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March
Why Should I Listen?
So what does it mean to “Listen” to a
woman? How can I possibly do it as nothing they say
seems to interest me? What’s in it for me if I
were to become a better listener? And why do they
need me to listen to them in the first place?
Listening and being listened to for women is an
ancient survival mechanism. When all of us were
members of a hunter-gatherer society, there was
never a guarantee that when a woman’s man went
off on the hunt that he would ever be heard from
again. So men were a very iffy source of security
for a woman, who needed security in order to raise
her children.
The survival mechanism that women created was to
get in tight with the other women in the community.
They did this by doing things together: cooking,
gathering, grinding the grain, and gossiping and
sharing food. They were doing all of the basic
things necessary to create interpersonal
relationships. If they hadn’t done all that,
there wouldn’t even be anything called
civilization because it was women that created all
of the interpersonal skills. Talking and listening
became their thing. They had to be good at it in
order to survive.
What they did was build up a deep well of good
feelings among the other women through their
talking and sharing. Then, if the dreaded day came
when their man didn’t come home, they could
draw on that good-will by going to the other women
for what they needed: food, shelter, clothing and
protection.
So if it weren’t for talking, listening and
feelings, none of us would be where we are today.
The chances are good that we wouldn’t even
have survived as a species. In other words, all of
this is good, not negative. Since talking and being
listened to represent security to women at a very
primitive level, and since security is their
“prime directive”, needed for raising
their children which guarantees the very existence
of the human race, it makes sense for every man to
learn how to listen.
For men, I think that our prime directive is to
have “peace and quiet” in our home lives.
We hate the moods, the sarcasm, the arctic
temperatures and the icy silences. So you want to
learn how to listen because, “If mama
ain’t happy – ain’t nobody
happy”.
We men can focus on a goal. We’re the
hunters remember? We’re good at locking in on
a target, blocking out everything else and zeroing
in. So now that you know what the goal is, a little
sanity in your life, you can use all of your
hunting skills to become a world-class listener. A
hunter focuses on the target, he doesn’t allow
anything to distract him, no superfluous thoughts
enter his mind, and he can remain still for long
periods of time. Nothing else matters except the
goal. That is a description of an excellent
listener.
The rewards are phenomenal: A happy woman who is
more than glad to share herself fully and
completely in every way. This is the women that
most men dream of, and it’s all within your
reach.
©2010, Irv Engel
* * *
One's life has value so long as one attributes
values to the life of others, by means of love,
friendship, indignation and compassion., - Simone
de Beauvoir
Irv Engel is a
successful salesman, builder, husband, father,
grandfather and friend. He loves to sing, dance and
is currently taking an art class to learn water
color painting. He is the creator and coordinator
of the Relationship Training Course for Men. This
book, The
Real Deal: A Guide to Achieving Successful and Real
Relationships,
is the result of hundreds of hours spent writing
down the lessons learned in a lifetime of marriage,
divorce, re-marriage and raising four kids. He
hosts free telephone conference coaching sessions
in the evening or on weekends.The conference is a
good way to find out about relationship coaching
and to ask any personal questions around your own
relationships without risk to your money or your
privacy. E-mail
him for phone number, access
code and schedule. Irv and Monica live in Lake
Forest, Calif. They have eleven grandchildren. They
have celebrated their thirty-fifth wedding
anniversary. www.committedrelationships.com
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