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May
Defining Real Relationships
There are many different kinds of relationships,
and not all of them will make you happy. In fact,
many men are in relationships that make them
miserable. I know a man who is in a relationship
with a woman that runs around on him every chance
she gets. I know another whose wife will leave the
house and not come home until late at night, and
never thinks to call him to let him know where she
is and that she is going to be late.
In each case, these men sold themselves out in
order to stay in relationships that made them
miserable. The guy with the girlfriend put up with
it because of a promise he made to her never to
leave her. The guy with the wife put up with it
because of his marriage vows of “for better or
worse.” Men tolerate bad employers for fear of
losing their jobs. They stay in careers that they
despise for fear of not being able to pay the
mortgage and being thrown out into the street.
Many men live in misery because they are trying
to do the “right thing” around promises
they made when they were young and didn’t know
any better. And many men stick around “for the
sake of the children.” In my view, these men
are not in real relationships.
A real relationship is one where two or more
people are dealing with each other as equals and
where the result is greater happiness than if the
relationship didn’t exist. These
“quasi” relationships wind up not making
anybody happy, even the ones doing the bullying and
the running around.
It has been my experience that
quasi-relationships are almost never really
necessary, in spite of the fact that the people in
them absolutely believe that they have no choice.
They surround themselves with obligations and fears
of loss that they raise to the status of sacred
cows and then see something almost martyr-like in
their own suffering.
This series of columns which is based on my
book, “The Real Deal”, is for those men
who are sick and tired of the drama and are ready
to make a decision to have something better: real
relationships that hold the promise of something
more than martyrdom and grief. These are
relationships that can bring that most precious of
God’s gifts: happiness.
©2008, Irv Engel
* * *
One's life has value so long as one attributes
values to the life of others, by means of love,
friendship, indignation and compassion., - Simone
de Beauvoir
Irv Engel is a
successful salesman, builder, husband, father,
grandfather and friend. He loves to sing, dance and
is currently taking an art class to learn water
color painting. He is the creator and coordinator
of the Relationship Training Course for Men. This
book, The
Real Deal: A Guide to Achieving Successful and Real
Relationships,
is the result of hundreds of hours spent writing
down the lessons learned in a lifetime of marriage,
divorce, re-marriage and raising four kids. He
hosts free telephone conference coaching sessions
in the evening or on weekends.The conference is a
good way to find out about relationship coaching
and to ask any personal questions around your own
relationships without risk to your money or your
privacy. E-mail
him for phone number, access
code and schedule. Irv and Monica live in Lake
Forest, Calif. They have eleven grandchildren. They
have celebrated their thirty-fifth wedding
anniversary. www.committedrelationships.com
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