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April
Were You Told Sex is Holy or Nasty?
One of the saddest things I've ever heard from a
counseling client is when I was told by a young man
in his 20's that his family drummed into him that
sex is nasty. The resulting sense of guilt, shame,
sneakiness, and dishonesty around his sex life ever
since had severely hampered his life and
relationships.
In a similar vein, you might recall Colorado
Senator Gary Hart who was running for President in
1988 but was put out of the race when he was
discovered having an affair with Donna Rice. He
said afterward that one of the reasons he couldn't
stop himself from having an affair (and harming his
marriage and political career) was that he was
raised in a very strict household where sex was
considered nasty and secretive (which made it all
the more compelling and hard-to-resist for
him).
I raise this issue of holiness or nastiness
because it seems to make an impact on so many men
and women who want to enjoy the beauty and
closeness of sensuality but who are filled with
thoughts and images that sex is bad or guilt-ridden
or sinful. Does that sound true about yourself or
someone you care about--were you raised with
negative images and harsh ideas that sex is wrong
or bad or sinful?
Sometimes you hear people say that these harsh
ideas about sex come from the bible. But nine years
ago I researched and wrote a book called "The Ten
Challenges" about the deeper meanings and original
Hebrew wordings of the Ten Commandments. For
instance, even the original Hebrew words for the
Ten Commandments don't say the word "commandments."
The original biblical words from Exodus 20 say
"Ahseret Hadibrot," which mean "the ten things" or
"the ten words." You can sense immediately that
those translations read more gently and lovingly.
In the King James version the Hebrew words that got
mistranslated into Greek then got mistranslated
into English as harsh "Thou shalt nots" and rigid
commandments. But it's quite possible that in the
original version they are more like profound and
wise principles for living rather than harsh "thou
shalt nots" for which you get struck down if you
mess up on one.
I spoke with hundreds of experts, scholars,
linguists, and clergy from a number of religious
and spiritual traditions about how they translate
The Ten Commandments, especially the ones about
sexuality, such as Do not commit adultery, Do not
covet your neighbor's partner, Do not steal (which
literally means "lo tignove--do not be sneaky or
trick someone with a false impression of who you
are"), Do not bear false witness or lie or gossip
to create a false advantage.
What I found out is that the original Hebrew
word for sexuality is "ya-da" which means to know
someone fully. Rabbis and scholars explained that
if you keep your sexuality superficial or focused
on body sensations or getting your way with another
person, you never really get to know someone fully
and you never get to be known fully. So what
holiness is about with regards to sexuality is to
let yourself be fully honest, vulnerable, and
trustworthy with another human being--to get to
know and accept each other's deeper selves,
including their complicated sexual selves.
Several Christian, Muslim and Buddhist scholars
and clergy also agreed with this sense of sex as
holy in so far as it lets us fully know the
richness of God's gifts to us. To appreciate the
beauty of the body, the beauty of a deep
relationship, and the joy of connecting with
someone you love is a holy act. When it becomes
sneaky, manipulative, dishonest, or exploitative,
that is when it becomes nasty.
In other words, sexuality is one of the greatest
opportunities for finding your way into the
powerful holy energies of the universe--but it has
to be treated carefully and in a deeply honest
relationship with someone you truly know and
appreciate at all levels, because otherwise it can
easily slip back into sneakiness, dishonesty,
manipulation, or exploitativeness which go against
the awesomeness for which sexuality is
intended.
Whatever your religious or spiritual beliefs (or
even if you are completely allergic to religion
altogether), I urge you to examine whether you are
carrying guilt-ridden or shame-filled thoughts into
your sex life. If so, you are much less likely to
be able to deeply enjoy these holy moments of fully
being at peace and in a state of joy and surrender
with another human being. If your mind is filled
with desires to conquer, manipulate, score, or
trick someone, you are very far away from the
pleasure of being fully known and fully appreciated
for who you are.
If you start to view sexuality as a holy and
wonderful part of life that gives you awe about the
greatness of God's creation (or the beauty of
nature if the word 'God' is uncomfortable for you),
you will probably find it enhances your sensuality
and the strength of your relationship. Instead of
feeling like a "bad person" who is about to get
caught and punished, you will begin to experience
sexuality as a "good person" who is growing closer
to your true essence through your exploration of
profound intimacy with another person.
©2009, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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