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May
What to do When You're Tempted to Stray
I have never met a man who wasn't tempted at one
time or another to have an affair. It doesn't
matter if you're in a great relationship or a
difficult relationship. Or whether you have a great
sex life with your partner or a nonexistent sex
life with your partner. The urge will surely visit
you sooner or later.
The good news is that this urge to stray doesn't
mean you are a bad person or that you're
necessarily going to be acting on the urge and
creating drama in your life. All it means is that
you're alive and curious.
Based on what I've seen during 23 years of
counseling can work most successfully for men who
are in a committed relationship and who have the
occasional urge to stray, here are 4 things to
consider:
1) Use the excitement and curiosity you feel
about a new person to recharge your excitement and
curiosity about the partner you have started to
take for granted. That means as soon as you get an
urge to flirt with or jump on the bones of someone
outside of your primary relationship, you simply
need to take a breath, catch yourself, and say, "If
I were meeting my long-term partner for the first
time at a seminar or a party, what would I find
fascinating about this unique individual? What
would I find sensual and attractive? What would I
find intriguing and mysterious? What would I find
to be solid and substantial and of high integrity?
What would I find to be a great reason to pursue
this individual (who happens to be your long-term
partner)?" In other words, use your curiosity and
imagination where it can do the most good--by
focusing on the person who is already your partner
and not by acting out a temporary crush on someone
you don't really know in depth.
2) Use the urge to stray as a wake-up call that
you and your partner need a tune-up or a major
overhaul in your relationship. Just as every garden
and every car will need occasional maintenance, so
does every relationship. You and your partner might
need a vacation together, a date night that hasn't
been arranged for too many months, a chance to
create adventures and teamwork again. The urge to
stray (especially if you don't obsess about it) is
a wonderful wake-up call that says, "I need some
newness and vitality in my life again. What can my
partner and I do that will make us feel young,
creative, and energetic again with each other?"
3) If you are a spiritual or religious person
(or even if you're not very spiritual or
religious), use the urge to stray as a chance to
feel gratitude for being alive. In the mystical
tradition of Judaism, there is a wonderful prayer
that a man is told to say to himself when he finds
himself briefly turned on by someone other than his
partner. The prayer is, "Thank you God (or creative
Source) for all the beauty that you've brought into
this world." By quickly turning the urge into a
reminder that all of life's beauty comes from a
higher Source, it frees you up to make good
conscious choices about what is your true purpose
in life. Is your true purpose in life to have a
messy affair which will probably cause tremendous
pain and loss of trust for your spouse and your
kids? Or is your true purpose to appreciate the
beauty all around you and then to make sure you
handle your sexuality in a caring and responsible
way?
4) If you find yourself unable to stop thinking
about someone with whom you are tempted to stray,
make sure you seek counseling to find out what's
going on inside you. Many men discover in
counseling tremendous wisdom about themselves after
an urge to stray. Some find that they are afraid to
be truly known by any one person and so they run
away from long-term partners in order to try out
their moves on someone new who doesn't really know
them. Other men find they have had trouble sticking
with things in life and this is one more chance to
see if they are able to learn how to
stay-the-course at something profound and
important. Other men find out that they were raised
in such a restrictive or guilt-ridden home that
they feel rebellious and sneaky about sex, which
can destroy any good relationship unless they seek
help to break that habit. Other men find out they
are still trying to make up for the lack of sexual
success they experienced in junior high or high
school, which isn't fair to your spouse or your
kids who really shouldn't suffer for the fact that
you couldn't "get any" when you were younger. Other
men discover they have trouble appreciating
themselves or others and are always looking for
"something better." Whatever your particular reason
for wanting to stray, it can be the source of
tremendous personal growth if you take these urges
to a therapist rather than to a motel.
©2008, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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