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December
Did You Know the "Honey Do List" is the Beginning
of Foreplay?
There's a crucial secret about female sexuality
that I didn't learn in high school, college, or
even graduate school. They didn't teach it in any
sex therapy courses that I took after I became a
licensed psychologist. Nor will you read about it
in any standard textbooks on the subject of
sexuality. But it's a make-or-break secret that can
mean the difference between a wonderful sex-life
with your long-term partner or a bitter wall
between the two of you.
We all know that most men get turned on quickly.
All it takes is a visual stimulus--a glimpse of an
undergarment or a gentle touch in the right places.
Or just one erotic thought passing through his mind
and he's ready to roll in the sheets.
However, most women warm up much slower and in
many cases not at all. The secret to female
sexuality that was revealed to me several hundred
times by couples I was counseling in my office is
the following:
--Most women need to see a partner pitching in
around the home and then she slowly will beginthe
gradual process of feeling loved, feelingcared for,
and feeling intimate.
Or as one female client explained to hermhusband
several years ago in my office, "Dude, didn't you
know that the 'honey do list' of chores is the
beginning of foreplay? If you help out with
child-care or cleaning up after a meal or changing
a light bulb, I start to think of you as a great
protector, a loving partner, and a reliable source
of strength. That usually starts my sense of
intimacy to begin heating up a bit, especially if
you pitch in voluntarily BEFORE I have to beg or
get all bitchy and fed up, which invariably shuts
down any sexual feelings I might have been starting
to build."
If this is the first time you've heard about the
mysterious connection between the "Honey Do List"
and the beginnings of foreplay, or if you don't
believe me, please go ask the women in your life.
You will find that several or most of the women you
ask will admit to you that when a man pitches in
lovingly, she feels like being warm and cozy with
him. On the other hand, when she has to beg, whine,
yell or scream in order to get him to change a
light bulb or fix the leaky faucet in the baby's
bathroom, she finds herself shutting down and
preferring a romance novel rather than the
uncooperative lump of flesh with his remote control
clicker on the couch.
Since most couples sooner or later have a major
disparity between how often he wants to make love
and how often she has the energy or inclination to
make love, this precious secret of female sexuality
needs to be taken quite seriously. It doesn't
guarantee that two light bulbs, one faucet, and
changing the baby's diaper will get you lucky
tonight. But if night after night you consistently
show your caring, your consideration, your
tenderness, and your warmth toward your spouse and
kids, you will be amazed at how much the sexual
wall between you and your mate will start to melt.
If you and your partner have differing sex drives,
don't argue or fight about it. Just look around and
see what needs your help and considerateness around
the house, and pretty soon you, too, will be
convinced that the quicker you complete the items
on the "Honey Do List," the more likely you will be
to have some wonderful lovemaking again with your
beautiful but frequently tired partner.
Good luck!
©2008, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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