Wake Up or
Break Up
 

December
Did You Know the "Honey Do List" is the Beginning of Foreplay?


There's a crucial secret about female sexuality that I didn't learn in high school, college, or even graduate school. They didn't teach it in any sex therapy courses that I took after I became a licensed psychologist. Nor will you read about it in any standard textbooks on the subject of sexuality. But it's a make-or-break secret that can mean the difference between a wonderful sex-life with your long-term partner or a bitter wall between the two of you.

We all know that most men get turned on quickly. All it takes is a visual stimulus--a glimpse of an undergarment or a gentle touch in the right places. Or just one erotic thought passing through his mind and he's ready to roll in the sheets.

However, most women warm up much slower and in many cases not at all. The secret to female sexuality that was revealed to me several hundred times by couples I was counseling in my office is the following:

--Most women need to see a partner pitching in around the home and then she slowly will beginthe gradual process of feeling loved, feelingcared for, and feeling intimate.

Or as one female client explained to hermhusband several years ago in my office, "Dude, didn't you know that the 'honey do list' of chores is the beginning of foreplay? If you help out with child-care or cleaning up after a meal or changing a light bulb, I start to think of you as a great protector, a loving partner, and a reliable source of strength. That usually starts my sense of intimacy to begin heating up a bit, especially if you pitch in voluntarily BEFORE I have to beg or get all bitchy and fed up, which invariably shuts down any sexual feelings I might have been starting to build."

If this is the first time you've heard about the mysterious connection between the "Honey Do List" and the beginnings of foreplay, or if you don't believe me, please go ask the women in your life. You will find that several or most of the women you ask will admit to you that when a man pitches in lovingly, she feels like being warm and cozy with him. On the other hand, when she has to beg, whine, yell or scream in order to get him to change a light bulb or fix the leaky faucet in the baby's bathroom, she finds herself shutting down and preferring a romance novel rather than the uncooperative lump of flesh with his remote control clicker on the couch.

Since most couples sooner or later have a major disparity between how often he wants to make love and how often she has the energy or inclination to make love, this precious secret of female sexuality needs to be taken quite seriously. It doesn't guarantee that two light bulbs, one faucet, and changing the baby's diaper will get you lucky tonight. But if night after night you consistently show your caring, your consideration, your tenderness, and your warmth toward your spouse and kids, you will be amazed at how much the sexual wall between you and your mate will start to melt. If you and your partner have differing sex drives, don't argue or fight about it. Just look around and see what needs your help and considerateness around the house, and pretty soon you, too, will be convinced that the quicker you complete the items on the "Honey Do List," the more likely you will be to have some wonderful lovemaking again with your beautiful but frequently tired partner.

Good luck!

©2008, Leonard Felder

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Leonard Felder is a licensed psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer and recognized expert on how to improve personal relationships, his books have sold more than 1 million copies. His latest book is Wake Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to Strengthening Your Relationship He has appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have been together since 1980, and they hare the parents of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail or www.wakeuporbreakup.com



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