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Is it Permissible to Call "Time Out" in the
Middle of Lovemaking?
Some people get angry or upset if a partner stops
in the middle of a passionate lovemaking session
and wants to discuss something. Is that true for
you or your partner? Do you prefer a non-stop
progression from kissing to touching to genital
contact without much conversation, or do you enjoy
occasional check-in conversations as part of your
intimacy?
Based on 23 years of counseling couples, I've
found there are 2 important things to consider
regarding the issue of "time outs" during
lovemaking. They are:
1) In general, it's best to have an occasional
how-to or choreography conversation during a quiet,
relaxed moment when you're not making love. Even if
you've been together for a while, there is always a
lot to learn and improve about how to respect each
other's sensual preferences and individual likes
and dislikes.
The best time to teach each other about what
kind of kissing, touching, orgasms, and afterglow
you each prefer is when you're taking a walk
together in nature, when you're having a phone
conversation about how much you're both looking
forward to your next time together, or when you're
having a relaxing conversation before or after a
hot-and-intense lovemaking session.
One of you can say, "I've always wanted to show
you my favorite way of being kissed." Or you can
suggest (without any criticism or harshness), "The
way I most prefer to be touched when we're making
love is..." Or you can confide to each other, "The
secret recipe that seems to bring me the most
amazing orgasms is when..." Then gently and
cooperatively brainstorm about what you each like
or dislike during lovemaking.
I've found that the couples who take a few
minutes each week or each month to exchange a few
non-judgmental comments about their lovemaking
preferences are continually expanding and improving
their closeness and intimacy, while the couples who
never talk about sex are usually falling into a
repetitive rut.
2) However, if in the middle of lovemaking, one
of you has something important to clear up that is
causing you to feel pained, uncomfortable,
distracted, disrespected, or emotionally distant,
it is a very good idea to call a brief time out to
get back on track. Simply say in a non-attacking
tone of voice, "I just need a minute to tell you
what's going on with me. I promise things will be
even more enjoyable once this gets cleared up." Or
calmly tell your partner, "I need a quick time out
so we can improve something that would make this
even more wonderful."
Then in a supportive way, explain what was
making you feel pained, uncomfortable, distracted,
or shut down. I've found in hundreds of couples
that these brief, cooperative time-out
conversations can quickly resolve problems that
would otherwise turn into messy resentments or
disastrously bad lovemaking. In fact, if you and
your partner are able to clear things up in a few
seconds by having one of these non-critical,
non-attacking brief time outs, you will be amazed
at how it adds to the intensity of your lovemaking.
Rather than spending minutes or hours feeling
distant or uncomfortable about something, you will
now have the freedom and trust to improve whatever
needs improving in a matter of seconds.
The first key to making one of these sexual
conversations successful is for the partner who is
offering a suggestion to do so in a loving and
non-judgmental way. Don't say, "You never this or
you always that." It's much more effective to say
enticingly, "There's an important secret I've
always wanted to share with you. Here's what I
think will make things even more exciting for both
of us..."
The second key to making one of these sexual
conversations successful is for the partner who is
receiving the suggestion to listen non-defensively
and to realize your partner just wants to improve
things. If your brain or your ego starts to feel
defensive and you find yourself wanting to say in a
testy voice, "Well, there are things I wish you
would do differently, too," stop yourself and
remind yourself, "The only reason my partner is
giving me this suggestion is to make things even
hotter between us. Listen up, dude, and if you're
smart you'll pick up on this important clue to what
your partner desires."
For example, if your partner tries to tell you
or show you exactly how she likes to be kissed,
don't get all defensive and say, "But my ex thought
I was a great kisser." That would be the quickest
way to turn this brief time-out into a long and
ugly clash. A better option is to say to yourself,
"Pay attention and you will learn exactly what
warms up this partner and what she's always wanted
you to figure out without any clues. Thank goodness
she's finally telling me the precise kissing style
that she finds most exciting. This brief
conversation is going to pay dividends over and
over again if I can replicate exactly the kind of
kiss she loves the most."
When your partner summons up the courage to tell
you what's working and what's not working about the
lovemaking you've been having together, it's not an
assessment of whether you're a good person or a
great lover. It's a chance for two unique human
beings to become even more intimate and more
passionate than they've ever been before.
©2006 Leonard
Felder
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship See
www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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