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The Crucial Spark They Don't Teach in Sex
Ed
I had read many books and taken many courses in
order to become a therapist for counseling couples
on their sexual issues. But it wasn't until I
actually became a practicing psychologist that I
heard from numerous female clients a crucial secret
that had never been discussed in any of the sex ed
books and lectures.
The secret of what causes most women to feel
sexual again after a lull is quite fascinating. It
sounds a little strange at first, but it makes a
lot of sense if you think about it. Here's what it
is:
A woman was sitting in my office 14 feet away
from her husband, who was complaining that it had
been 10 months since they'd made love. The husband
turned to his wife and asked, "What the heck do I
have to do in order that you won't just say no like
you always say no." She looked back at him and
answered, "I have no idea. Life isn't fair, is
it?"
It looked like their sex life was going to
remain deader than Elvis. But I wasn't ready to
give up just yet. So I asked her, "Based on what
you know about what has made you feel sensual or
cuddly in the past, is there one thing your husband
could do this week that might make you feel a
little bit open sometime in the next few weeks to
being sensual with him again?"
The wife took a moment to think about the
question and then she replied, "There is one thing
that always seems to make me feel close to my
husband again. It sounds strange to say it, but
this is a therapy session. I might as well be
honest."
Then she took a deep breath and admitted, "The
thing that makes me feel like a sensual woman again
and a little bit interested in making love again is
when my husband fixes things that are broken around
the house."
The husband looked at her like she was crazy.
"What are you talking about?" he asked.
"I'm serious," she replied. "When you make the
extra effort to take some of the load off of me and
to help out and to show that we're teammates and
we're there for each other, it makes me feel
connected to you again. And when I feel connected
to you and I sense that you're helping out and I
don't have to do it all or be your mommie, I do get
sensual again."
She was not the only woman to comment that a
boyfriend or husband changing a light bulb or
fixing a broken drawer or cleaning out a messy
storage shed is somehow connected to making love.
In fact, during the past 24 years as a couples
counselor I have heard thousands of women tell me a
very similar phenomenon: when they feel cared for
and helped out by a man who doesn't have to be
begged to fix the things that are broken in the
house, she often feels sensual and connected again.
Why don't they teach this stuff in sex ed? Why
doesn't anyone say, "The beginning of foreplay is
the 'Honey Do' list that she's tired of begging you
about and that means so much to her sense of being
ignored or being cared for...
When you think about your own sex life, has it
occured to you that your partner tends to be more
cuddly and sensual when she feels you are helping
her and lightening her load. Or that she tends to
be turned off and short-fused when her 'Honey Do'
list keeps getting longer and longer because you
just can't seem to get around to it.
This mystery can solve a lot of the sexual
problems in long-term relationships. It's no
guarantee of sex, but it dramatically increases the
odds from 1,000 to 1 for those men who don't pitch
in at home, versus 3 to 1 for those men who do help
out without being begged.
Try it yourself and see if all these women are
revealing a sexual secret that is rarely known by
men. To make sure your partner feels loved and
cared for is the key to warming her up. That
long-neglected light bulb or that mess on the side
of the house is possibly the obstacle between you
and a lovely roll in the sheets. It's also the
difference between a partner who feels appreciated
and a partner who feels like snapping at you over
and over again. It's your choice, dude. You
decide which way you want your partner to feel.
©2005 Leonard
Felder
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship See
www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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