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The Crucial Spark They Don't Teach in Sex Ed


I had read many books and taken many courses in order to become a therapist for counseling couples on their sexual issues. But it wasn't until I actually became a practicing psychologist that I heard from numerous female clients a crucial secret that had never been discussed in any of the sex ed books and lectures.

The secret of what causes most women to feel sexual again after a lull is quite fascinating. It sounds a little strange at first, but it makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Here's what it is:

A woman was sitting in my office 14 feet away from her husband, who was complaining that it had been 10 months since they'd made love. The husband turned to his wife and asked, "What the heck do I have to do in order that you won't just say no like you always say no." She looked back at him and answered, "I have no idea. Life isn't fair, is it?"

It looked like their sex life was going to remain deader than Elvis. But I wasn't ready to give up just yet. So I asked her, "Based on what you know about what has made you feel sensual or cuddly in the past, is there one thing your husband could do this week that might make you feel a little bit open sometime in the next few weeks to being sensual with him again?"

The wife took a moment to think about the question and then she replied, "There is one thing that always seems to make me feel close to my husband again. It sounds strange to say it, but this is a therapy session. I might as well be honest."

Then she took a deep breath and admitted, "The thing that makes me feel like a sensual woman again and a little bit interested in making love again is when my husband fixes things that are broken around the house."

The husband looked at her like she was crazy. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

"I'm serious," she replied. "When you make the extra effort to take some of the load off of me and to help out and to show that we're teammates and we're there for each other, it makes me feel connected to you again. And when I feel connected to you and I sense that you're helping out and I don't have to do it all or be your mommie, I do get sensual again."

She was not the only woman to comment that a boyfriend or husband changing a light bulb or fixing a broken drawer or cleaning out a messy storage shed is somehow connected to making love. In fact, during the past 24 years as a couples counselor I have heard thousands of women tell me a very similar phenomenon: when they feel cared for and helped out by a man who doesn't have to be begged to fix the things that are broken in the house, she often feels sensual and connected again.

Why don't they teach this stuff in sex ed? Why doesn't anyone say, "The beginning of foreplay is the 'Honey Do' list that she's tired of begging you about and that means so much to her sense of being ignored or being cared for...

When you think about your own sex life, has it occured to you that your partner tends to be more cuddly and sensual when she feels you are helping her and lightening her load. Or that she tends to be turned off and short-fused when her 'Honey Do' list keeps getting longer and longer because you just can't seem to get around to it.

This mystery can solve a lot of the sexual problems in long-term relationships. It's no guarantee of sex, but it dramatically increases the odds from 1,000 to 1 for those men who don't pitch in at home, versus 3 to 1 for those men who do help out without being begged.

Try it yourself and see if all these women are revealing a sexual secret that is rarely known by men. To make sure your partner feels loved and cared for is the key to warming her up. That long-neglected light bulb or that mess on the side of the house is possibly the obstacle between you and a lovely roll in the sheets. It's also the difference between a partner who feels appreciated and a partner who feels like snapping at you over and over again. It's your choice, dude. You decide which way you want your partner to feel.

©2005 Leonard Felder

Leonard Felder is a licensed psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer and recognized expert on how to improve personal relationships, his books have sold more than 1 million copies. His latest book is Wake Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to Strengthening Your Relationship See www.wakeuporbreakup.com



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