Technique #10: Please Her
We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better.
Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have
asked the same question: How can I get women
to love me?
Last month, we explored Technique #9: Love
Women. Here is Technique #10:
This may be news to some of you: Her needs are
more important than your needs. At least to her. If
you want to sustain and enhance your relationship,
find ways to make her needs more important than
yours. Not all the time, but often enough. If you
want a woman to love you, put your attention on
what she wants and needs. Sometimes she will tell
you what she wants and needs, but most of the time
she expects you to read her mind and figure it out.
Yes, it's unfair, but that's the deal.
It turns out that when you DO put your attention
on her, and DO try to figure out (or perceive) her
wants and needs, you'll be right much of the time,
and wrong some of the time. But you'll win her love
ALL of the time if you're trying, because that
means you're giving her the most precious gift of
all - your attention.
If you're focused on getting your own needs
fulfilled most of the time (and many of us will
admit that this is true 99% of the time), you'll
miss out on pleasing her. When a woman is pleased,
she opens her heart, and her love pours out, and
she showers it on you. The more time you focus on
her needs, wants, and desires, the more you will be
loved. Although it is counter-intuitive, the more
you focus on her, the better it is for you. Then,
the more you are loved the more filled up you feel,
and the more life energy, attention, and joy you
have to bring to the rest of your life
including to her! This is the definition of a
positive feedback loop.
The negative feedback loop works equally well.
You withdraw your attention from her, and she
closes her heart. This makes her less attractive to
you, so you withdraw your energy and attention
further. This causes her to become bitchy and very
unattractive. You then start looking at other
women, which she resents and feels hurt by, so she
finds ways to be passive aggressive.
And so on, until you split up.
Pleasing a woman is not difficult. In fact, it
is a simple series of small steps. Give her the
gift of your attention. Feel how she is feeling. Be
compassionate when she is hurting. Listen a lot.
Many small moves are better than one big move.
Bring her a surprise gift of one flower for no
reason (not a bouquet). Leave a love note on her
mirror. Call her on the phone when she least
expects it (not at 2 am when you're stumbling out
of a bar). Dress up when you take her out, and work
as hard at looking good for her as she works at
looking good for you. Call her girlfriends and ask
them (secretly) what she would really like.
(Theyll secretly tell her that you called,
which will please her.) Kiss her suddenly and
passionately in an unlikely public place (standing
in line for a movie, or in the aisle of a grocery
store). Hold her hand when you're walking. These
small gestures will please her. They let her know
in many ways that you care about her. She will look
for ways to please you in return.
Women often do not know what they need or want.
Most of the time, they are a bundle of emotions,
thoughts, feelings, and sensations that change from
moment to moment. No wonder we dont
understand them. They are not understandable.
However, you have something that she
doesnt have: a penetrating awareness that can
see through the storm going on inside of her.
This is a characteristic of masculine
consciousness. It takes a little practice, but it
The next time she is being bitchy, or confused,
or hormonal, or withdrawing, imagine that your
consciousness is like a powerful lighthouse with a
penetrating beam of light that can cut through fog.
Extend this penetrating awareness deeply into her
core, past what she looks like, past what she is
saying, and past what she is feeling. Look into the
very depths of her and ask yourself the question,
What does she really need right now?
Take whatever answer you get and act on it
She might need a big strong hug that
doesnt let her go despite her resistance.
When you hold a woman strongly, she may resist at
first, but dont buy into her resistance. Keep
holding her firmly. At some point, she will melt,
and she may break down and cry. This is a good
thing. Keep holding her through it. (This is not
100% foolproof. If she is screaming at you to let
her go, take this as a sign to either lighten up or
let her go and try something else. Try asking,
What do you need right now? She may or
may not know, but shell appreciate that you
If shes withdrawing or angry, and you see
that she needs to be loved, act like a lover and
pick her up and take her to the bed and make love
to her. Your penetrating consciousness is much more
likely to be accurate than her protests.
However, dont be an idiot. If what you are
doing isnt working to change her state, do
something else. But dont take your attention
off of her. What she needs more than anything is
your attention and your desire to please her.
When you care, you can express your concern in a
thousand ways. When a woman feels cared for, she
becomes generous with her energy, and she opens
like a flower. The time you spend caring will
return to you a thousand fold. Heres a
surprising fact: physical objects also change when
you care for them. If you have houseplants, see
what happens when you express your care and
concern, noticing them and talking to them (out of
sight of other people!). You probably already care
for your automobile, and have noticed that it runs
better than if you neglect it. Care for the objects
in your house. Care for strangers. Care for the
world. It is a powerful act that is guaranteed to
create magic in your life.
When you implement these 15 techniques into your
life, you will be transformed into the kind of man
that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of
internal work, for example changing some of your
old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a
different point of view. Let me know of your
successes and your struggles, your thoughts,
suggestions and additions. I welcome your
Next Month: Enjoy Her
* * *
is an executive coach and "evocateur" who helps
individuals create extraordinary success, happiness
and results in their lives. He is a
widely-published author, workshop leader, public
speaker, and a successful businessman. He has
studied and explored the realms of psychology,
spirituality, and business mastery for more than 35
years. He brings these decades of learning and
growth to others through his workshop,
Everyday Awakening: Practical Techniques for
Waking Up Into Joy. He is also a co-founder
of The Mens Tribe in Northern California
which offers men an initiation into principle-based
living. He resides in the San Francisco Bay Area
with his partner, author and workshop leader Anodea
Judith. This series of articles are excerpts from
his e-book, How To Get Women To Love
You, which is available on his website:
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
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