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October
Technique #5: Speak Truth
We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better.
Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have
asked the same question: “How can I get women
to love me?”
Last month, we explored Technique #4: Integrity
Rules. Here is Technique #5:
Speak Truth
Okay guys, this is a tough one to admit: we are
basically cowards. We would rather not say anything
at all then tell the truth and have her get angry,
or sad, or upset, or leave us. So we stuff the
truth down inside and pretend it didn’t
happen, or we pretend to be interested in what
she’s saying, or we pretend that
everything’s really okay. She knows
intuitively when you are pretending, and she knows
when you are withholding something. Women always
know. Really. Don’t bullshit yourself into
thinking that you can keep a secret. If your woman
doesn't know what you’re withholding right
away, she will figure it out pretty quickly.
The truth is that women are as tough as men when
it comes to the truth. They might not like it in
the moment, and they may cry and fuss when they
hear it. It might make them sad, or mad, but
they'll appreciate that the truth was spoken. Being
a man of integrity means speaking the truth. This
includes the outer truth of what actually happened,
and your inner truth about what you think, how you
feel, and what you see.
We each have our own internal truth. It often
doesn’t match up with the other person’s
inner truth. We have to get used to that fact.
It’s uncomfortable to rub up against other
people’s wounds, opinions, righteousness,
preferences and sore spots. But rub we must.
It’s the only way to have integrity.
Women love men who tell the truth, even when it
hurts, because women love integrity more than they
love feeling good. A woman wants her man to be who
he is - not a malleable puppet, a people-pleaser, a
charlatan, or a wuss. Live your truth, be your
truth, and speak your truth, even when (especially
when) it’s uncomfortable.
Okay, this is easy advice to give, but what
about those really hard and nasty truths that would
definitely hurt her feelings, and cause her to run
out of the room screaming? “I can’t
really say “Your butt has gotten so big that
I'm disgusted by it,” can I? She would have a
fit, and throw me out, or worse!” No, you
shouldn’t say that, if you want to stay in
relationship.
There are other guidelines that can help make
telling the truth work. First, tell the truth about
YOU – about what’s going on for you.
Identify your own feelings (which women love) about
whatever is going on. Stay out of blame or finger
pointing. Take responsibility for what’s going
on, and speak the truth with as much kindness as
possible. Don't use the truth as a weapon to hurt
her. Here’s the way to say it with love:
“Honey, is this a good time to talk to you
about something that’s uncomfortable?”
(Get her assent. If it’s not a good time, make
an appointment and hold it until then.) “I've
been noticing that you're gaining weight, and
it’s making me feel concerned about you.
(Express your love and concern as a context for the
conversation.) I also notice that I’m very
uncomfortable even bringing up the subject because
you’re sensitive about it. (Show her that you
understand her feelings.) It's really important to
me that you look good and feel attractive. (Speak
the truth about what is important to you, but make
it about her.) I feel really attracted to you when
you feel and look good. (This lets her know that
you have a preference, and that you want her to be
attractive to you.) I know that’s what you
want, too. How can I support you in slimming back
down? (This is expressing your support, rather than
your judgment about her.) How about if we start
dieting and exercising together? (You’re
offering her something she wants – more
relationship time – as well as your
support.)”
Yes, she will feel hurt, but she will also feel
your care. She will get over the hurt, and she will
appreciate your loving care and the fact that you
are a man of truth. She will love you for it. The
love she feels will last much longer than the hurt,
which is momentary.
Many men just disappear when they’ve
decided not to date a woman anymore, because
they’re afraid to tell the truth. Women hate
this, because they’ve been waiting in
anticipation for that next call. Often, they make
up excuses for your lame behavior until they
suddenly realize you’re not going to call
again, and that you’re just another jerk.
There is a better way. Tell the truth. When you
determine that you just don’t want to date her
again, let her know, with care for her feelings.
Here’s a few samples: “I’ve enjoyed
getting to know you, but I'm just not feeling a
physical chemistry with you. So I won’t be
calling you again.” Or, “It’s been
fun, but I’ve gotten interested in dating
another woman, so I’m going to do that.”
DON’T add: “So I’ll call you,
okay?” or “Talk to you later!” If
it’s over, it’s over. The ultimate truth
is, you’re just not that into her. So let her
go – gently, gentlemanly. Don’t string
her along because you’re afraid of hurting
her. Better to hurt her and get it over with than
draw out the hurt for weeks or months.
Speak the truth, men. It’s a skill that
improves with practice. You’ll blow it
sometimes, and women will get mad at you. Take it
in stride, and learn to hone the skill. Next thing
you know, you’ll be more in alignment with
your true self, and you even start speaking the
truth to yourself.
When you implement these 14 techniques into your
life, you will be transformed into the kind of man
that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of
internal work, for example changing some of your
old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a
different point of view. Let me know of your
successes and your struggles, your thoughts,
suggestions and additions. I welcome your
emails.
Next month: Take Care of Yourself.
©2010 Lion
Goodman
* * *
Lion Goodman
is an executive coach and "evocateur" who helps
individuals create extraordinary success, happiness
and results in their lives. He is a
widely-published author, workshop leader, public
speaker, and a successful businessman. He has
studied and explored the realms of psychology,
spirituality, and business mastery for more than 35
years. He brings these decades of learning and
growth to others through his workshop,
“Everyday Awakening: Practical Techniques for
Waking Up Into Joy.” He is also a co-founder
of The Men’s Tribe in Northern California
which offers men an initiation into principle-based
living. He resides in the San Francisco Bay Area
with his partner, author and workshop leader Anodea
Judith. This series of articles are excerpts from
his e-book, “How To Get Women To Love
You,” which is available on his website:
www.everydayawakening.com
or lion@everydayawakening.com
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