How to get Women
to Love You

Technique #7: Get Over Yourself

We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better. Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have asked the same question: “How can I get women to love me?”

Last month, we explored Technique #6: Take Care of Yourself. Here is Technique #7:

Get Over Yourself

Okay, you’ve explored yourself, taken a few workshops and yoga classes, learned to Salsa, and found your spirituality. Now, get over yourself. Men can become absorbed in almost anything, from watching a ball game to fixing a sink. Men can become obsessed with their own image (the gym is full of this type), or with their spirituality (“Fly boys” are the spiritual types who will happily spend hours meditating or hanging out with gurus but have no grounding in the real world of money and work). Men can become obsessed about a single academic topic or a specialized field of knowledge (baseball statistics, automotive specifications, or making money in the stock market). Women love men of depth, but not if it’s a depth in only in one dimension. Nor do they want to be with a man who only focuses on himself. My ex-wife once said, “You are most self-absorbed person I’ve ever met.” At the time, I thought that was ridiculous. Looking back twenty years, I suspect she was right.

Father Thomas Keating, a Benedictine monk, observed: “The American way is to first feel good about yourself, and then feel good about others. But spiritual traditions say it’s really the other way around – that you develop a sense of goodness by giving of yourself.” Any act of nobility – from giving a homeless person money to picking up and comforting a child who has fallen down, reminds us that we are more than just a mind trapped in a body. We are all connected at some deep level – what Jung described as the “Collective Unconscious.” When you reach out beyond yourself, when you make a contribution to others without thinking about what it gets you, your soul is deepened, and you are ennobled. This nobility – getting over yourself – is very attractive to women, who tend to be that way automatically.

Women know that they are connected to each other and to the world. They are born without boundaries and their work in the world is to learn to establish good boundaries. As men, we are born naturally boundaried. Our work is to loosen, open, and make flexible our boundaries so we can feel and see our connection to others. Doing good things for others, whether for an individual, a group, or a charity, is something that makes you feel good about yourself, and it makes you more attractive to others. If you start off volunteering only for ego reasons (to meet women or to get praise or to feel good), that’s okay. Eventually, you will get to know, down in your bones, that there is a wider purpose to your life. You will become authentically generous. Women will love you for it. Start getting over yourself.

When you implement these 14 techniques into your life, you will be transformed into the kind of man that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of internal work, for example changing some of your old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a different point of view. Let me know of your successes and your struggles, your thoughts, suggestions and additions. I welcome your emails.

Next month: Love Women.

©2009 Lion Goodman

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Lion Goodman is an executive coach and "evocateur" who helps individuals create extraordinary success, happiness and results in their lives. He is a widely-published author, workshop leader, public speaker, and a successful businessman. He has studied and explored the realms of psychology, spirituality, and business mastery for more than 35 years. He brings these decades of learning and growth to others through his workshop, “Everyday Awakening: Practical Techniques for Waking Up Into Joy.” He is also a co-founder of The Men’s Tribe in Northern California which offers men an initiation into principle-based living. He resides in the San Francisco Bay Area with his partner, author and workshop leader Anodea Judith. This series of articles are excerpts from his e-book, “How To Get Women To Love You,” which is available on his website: or

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