Technique #11: Show Up
We all want love. Lots of it. The more the better.
Throughout recorded history, men of all ages have
asked the same question: How can I get women
to love me?
Last month, we explored Technique #10: Enjoy
Her. Here is Technique #1
Women constantly complain to each other about
how their men don't show up. There are the obvious
Errors of Not Showing Up such as when
you say you will meet her somewhere and dont
arrive. There are also times when you arent
showing up when you ARE with her. In the corporate
world, they have two words for this phenomenon:
Absenteeism, which is when an employee doesnt
show up for work, and Presenteeism, which is when
the employee shows up physically, but remains
unproductive because they havent shown up
mentally. When you are with a woman, show up fully.
The most egregious examples of NOT showing up
- Being late for a date and not apologizing,
or providing a lame excuse.
- Being with her physically but your mind and
attention are somewhere else: on the TV, on your
own troubles, or on another woman walking
- Saying you'll call and then not
- Not calling her for three days or more.
- Not taking care of yourself and your own
needs, then resenting her for the time she wants
to spend with you.
- Showing up angry, pre-occupied, depressed,
or wanting to be somewhere else.
All of these actions scream at a woman I
don't care about you. Many women will make
excuses for you for awhile, because they love you.
Eventually, they realize that you are really just a
jerk (a man who doesnt care about women).
Either show up, or tell the truth that you're not
going to show up. A woman would rather hear the
truth than have you make a promise and not keep it.
Women deserve your respect. All people deserve
respect, but any woman who will put up with you
really deserves respect.
Showing up means bringing every part you to the
present moment, rather than burying the parts you
would rather hide. It means being present with all
of your feelings (even the bad ones), all of your
attention, and all of your thoughts. It means being
willing to experience anything and everything in
the moment, rather than avoiding certain
circumstances or interactions. It means being real,
and speaking your truth.
She may not like everything you show up with,
but its more important to be solid inside
yourself than to lose yourself by trying to please
her. She wants that fullness of your presence more
than anything. Look her in the eyes when you talk
to her. Be willing to engage in conflict (we all
have our differences), but fight fair and keep
loving her all the way through it.
Showing up also means cleaning up after
yourself. Youre human. You make mistakes.
Clean up whatever mess you made. You dont
have to make a big deal out of it. Just say:
I did it. Im really sorry. Ill do
my best to not do it again. Or: I didnt
do what I said I would do. I will make a new
promise, and I will do it by this date
Or: Ill make it up to you by
specific, and make it good for her). Then,
check in with her: Does that clear it for
you? Or is there something else youre need,
or something else youre upset
If you notice that youre not showing up in
a particular situation, the best thing to do is to
admit it to her (she already knows anyway). Try
saying, Honey, I really want to be here with
you, but Im finding myself distracted and
uncomfortable. I need to go away and take care of
myself. I will come back and be with you ____
(Provide a specific time and then keep your
promise.). Is there anything you need from me
before I go? This is a type of showing
up when you cant show up. Your honesty
and integrity means a lot more to her than your
Showing up also means showing up for yourself.
There is a way to care for yourself, and for your
own needs, that goes beyond narcissism and egotism.
If you honestly assess your own needs, wants and
desires, and you dive deeply intoyour own
motivations and your underlying beliefs, you will
be working the soil that is necessary before you
plant the seeds of your future. If you really show
up for yourself, youll become more able to
show up for her. And when you show up for her, you
can count on her showing up fully for you, with all
When you implement these 15 techniques into your
life, you will be transformed into the kind of man
that women love. Some of these shifts take a lot of
internal work, for example changing some of your
old habits. Some of them are as easy as adopting a
different point of view. Let me know of your
successes and your struggles, your thoughts,
suggestions and additions. I welcome your
Next Month: Then What?
* * *
is an executive coach and "evocateur" who helps
individuals create extraordinary success, happiness
and results in their lives. He is a
widely-published author, workshop leader, public
speaker, and a successful businessman. He has
studied and explored the realms of psychology,
spirituality, and business mastery for more than 35
years. He brings these decades of learning and
growth to others through his workshop,
Everyday Awakening: Practical Techniques for
Waking Up Into Joy. He is also a co-founder
of The Mens Tribe in Northern California
which offers men an initiation into principle-based
living. He resides in the San Francisco Bay Area
with his partner, author and workshop leader Anodea
Judith. This series of articles are excerpts from
his e-book, How To Get Women To Love
You, which is available on his website:
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
©1996-2019, Gordon Clay