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Your Sexual Map
People say they can tell a lot about a person by
knowing their friends. Well, if you know your
sexual fantasies and desires, you know a lot about
yourself as a person. Sexual fantasies are a result
of your psychological makeup. They are not separate
they are a part of you—an extension of your
psyche. Sexual fantasies, however mundane or
bizarre, are attempts compensate for the guilt and
fear or worry each of us carries over from
childhood. In the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of
Sexual Fantasies, author Michael Bader states,
“the details of the fantasy sometimes offer
clues” into that persons childhood or history.
Bader is clear that he does not believe that
one’s orientation is shaped by childhood.
That, like temperament, is stable and unchanging.
But sexual arousal is imprinted from childhood.
In other words your peak erotic experiences and
fantasies have coded information about you that can
be helpful in understanding yourself better. It can
even help you find Mr. Right! All you have to do
decode the erotica of your desires. Our sexual map
is determined early on in childhood. We observe and
absorb how others love or neglect or abuse us and
that becomes our “love map”. This map
becomes a template for what we seek out for
pleasure in our adulthood.
In my work with men who suffer sexual addictions
and compulsions, it has been most helpful going
right to what turns them on the most sexually. Here
I discovered that sexual fantasies and desires can
help tell a lot about a person. As difficult as
that is for clients to talk about, once they reveal
their sexual fantasies and interests we find plenty
of information necessary to help them stop the
compulsive behavior. I’ve learned from sex
addicts that if you can uncover the disguised
material or story, the non-sexual parts of it, then
I’ve been able to help them a lot better. Now
I’m bringing this new theory and discovery to
even healthy fantasies and it’s not to
pathologize. It’s about knowing ourselves
better as gay men.
Most people, gay and straight alike, do not know
if their sexual fantasies are healthy or unhealthy.
While gay men are more inclined to act out their
sexual desires and fantasies more openly than their
heterosexual counterparts, there still lies
confusion as to what is positive and self-affirming
and what is not.
I think all sexual fantasies are healthy. There
are some that should never be acted on because they
might be putting the person who has them or someone
else at risk. For some men, they discover that
regular or preferred sex with escorts is a form of
“paying for love”. They were not loved as
children by their caregivers. Other men are
compelled to be dominated and spanked and take
orders in an effort to be disciplined in ways they
were not as a child. Others want to dominate and be
in charge as in life they feel helpless and
powerless. Some like to be humiliated by golden
showers, being spit on and verbally abused. This
could mean they struggle with maintaining a sense
of pride in one’s self.
This does not mean one has to stop the fantasies
or change their desires or behaviors. It does,
however, mean that if the issue is finding more
pride in one’s life, finding a way to be loved
without paying, and feeling more powerful and
making an impact on others in their environments
and relationships. This can provide a map in how to
improve your life.
There’s nothing wrong with that fantasy and
there’s nothing wrong with doing it. But what
I would want to help someone do is explore why they
have that fantasy. Not in a negative way but in a
positive way. What do your sexual fantasies and
desires mean about you?
©2009 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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