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"Tell me how you were loved, and I’ll
tell you how you make love"
This quote is from the book, "Mating in Captivity",
by Esther Perel. The book is soon to be out in
paperback. I really enjoy her work and others about
how whatever our sexual desires and interests, they
are based on our childhoods and pasts.
As we watch the public humiliation of Boxer
Oscar De La Hoya I wonder why are we so fascinated
by the sex lives of others? Especially when they
deviate from the norm of what we see in the
media?
Maybe because we are fascinated at all the
twists and turns sexuality can take. Voyeurs at
heart, people want to know what is happening behind
closed bedroom doors.
But it is more than that. All of us have sexual
interests and desires and we think ours might be
odd or abnormal. We don't really know it because
sex isn't talked about. Even if you don't have
fetishes or kinky desires, no one really knows what
sexual behavior, desires and fantasies are okay or
not.
What are others doing? Does it work? Do they
like it? Can they face themselves--or worse their
partners--the next day? These are questions we have
for others and for ourselves.
Now we have a new sex scandal--Oscar De La Hoya.
I had never heard of him until this. A handsome man
who might have a kinky sexual fetish. So what? I
feel so much for him that I won't link or post to
any of the sites that show him posing as "Goldie"
for the camera. That is so disrespectful and mean.
So what if this is his fetish? Why does this make
news? And since it is making news then lets at
least talk about it respectfully!
Straight Guise has taken on one part of the
fascination in terms of straight men who have sex
with men. And there are so many more--men and
women-with complicated sexual fantasies and
desires.
To read more go to Oscar
De La Hoya Scandal 
Authors Esther Perel, Michael Bader, Jack Morin
and Robert Stoller help us make sense as to why we
all have the kinds of sexual fetishes and interests
that we do.
©2007 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives.
www.joekort.com
or joekort@joekort.com
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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