"Tell me how you were loved, and I’ll tell you how you make love"

This quote is from the book, "Mating in Captivity", by Esther Perel. The book is soon to be out in paperback. I really enjoy her work and others about how whatever our sexual desires and interests, they are based on our childhoods and pasts.

As we watch the public humiliation of Boxer Oscar De La Hoya I wonder why are we so fascinated by the sex lives of others? Especially when they deviate from the norm of what we see in the media?

Maybe because we are fascinated at all the twists and turns sexuality can take. Voyeurs at heart, people want to know what is happening behind closed bedroom doors.

But it is more than that. All of us have sexual interests and desires and we think ours might be odd or abnormal. We don't really know it because sex isn't talked about. Even if you don't have fetishes or kinky desires, no one really knows what sexual behavior, desires and fantasies are okay or not.

What are others doing? Does it work? Do they like it? Can they face themselves--or worse their partners--the next day? These are questions we have for others and for ourselves.

Now we have a new sex scandal--Oscar De La Hoya. I had never heard of him until this. A handsome man who might have a kinky sexual fetish. So what? I feel so much for him that I won't link or post to any of the sites that show him posing as "Goldie" for the camera. That is so disrespectful and mean. So what if this is his fetish? Why does this make news? And since it is making news then lets at least talk about it respectfully!

Straight Guise has taken on one part of the fascination in terms of straight men who have sex with men. And there are so many more--men and women-with complicated sexual fantasies and desires.

To read more go to Oscar De La Hoya Scandal

Authors Esther Perel, Michael Bader, Jack Morin and Robert Stoller help us make sense as to why we all have the kinds of sexual fetishes and interests that we do.

©2007 by Joe Kort

Related: Issues, Books

Psychotherapist Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985. He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a specific program involving communication exercises designed for couples to enhance their relationship and for singles to learn relationship skills. He also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and gay men who are struggling with specific sexual issues. His therapy services are for gays and lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and columns have appeared in The Detroit Free Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and other publications. Besides providing therapy for individuals and couples, he conducts a number of groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne State University's School of Social Work, he is doing more writing and workshops on a national level. He is the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their Lives. or

* Gaydar (gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular feature where gay readers can discover the many questions and hassles their straight counterparts--and themselves--must face!

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