|
One person, One partner
After Massachusetts legalized marriage for gays and
lesbians earlier this year, my partner Mike and I
decided to plan our summer vacation in Provincetown
and tie the legal knot after 11 years together.
This wasn’t our first marriage, however. And
there were no divorces in between—we were
never married to anyone else. And the other 49
marriages we intend to have will be the same: one
state at a time.
This statement sounds like either a riddle or
the life of Elizabeth Taylor or Zsa Zsa Gabor. The
truth is, we were religiously wed under Reform
Judaism in the fall of 2000. Our family and friends
joined us, and for us it was a romantic, emotional,
affectionate and spiritual day. However, as we all
know, it was not legal. Under Reform Judaism, all
we had to do was agree to raise our dog Jewish and
we assured the rabbi she would have a “Bark
Mitzvah.” For us, though, this marriage was
political. We want to be a part of the process of
legalizing marriage for gays by being a part of the
process as it unfolds. As in the movie, 50 First
Dates, we’re intending 49 more first
marriages.
Ironically, only four hours after our legal
nuptials in Massachusetts, we learned that
California had nullified the 4,000 marriages they
licensed over the summer. What a letdown! And we
knew that of course the minute we returned to
Michigan, our license would be nullified as well.
But we didn’t care. We wanted to go through
the process anyway.
Before arriving in Provincetown, we contacted
Massachusetts officials, who told us to have our
blood work done. On our arrival, we began telling
people that we were there to be legally married.
Store owners, cab drivers and even people in
restaurants were slipping us the names and phone
numbers of those who will perform gay marriages for
out-of-towners, but telling us to keep it on the
QT. It was like being in the middle of a mystery
novel, but to be honest, it actually made us feel
like second-class citizens.
At town hall, we decided to just go in quietly
and complete the paperwork. Everyone behind the
counter immediately congratulated us. So much for
keeping a low profile! But we didn’t need one.
We were ushered to a room where a lesbian couple
from New York was filling out the same forms. They
were very nice, and all four of us laughed and
joked about how this felt so adult, so “grown
up.”
I thought about two books I’ve read, Why
You Should Give A Damn About Gay Marriage by Davina
Kotulaski and Gay Marriage by John Rauch. Both
speak about how we, as gays and lesbians, are
forbidden from joining the adult fraternity of
married couples. I resent that to no end, and
resented it even more after reading them. I
particularly like the way Rauch puts it:
“Marriage confers status: to be married, in
the eyes of society, is to be grown up. Marriage
creates stakes: someone depends on you. Marriage
creates a safe harbor for sex. Marriage put two
heads together, pooling experience and braking
impulsiveness…We all need domesticating, not
in the veterinary sense but in a more literal,
human sense: We need a home. We are different
people when we have a home: more stable, more
productive, more mature, less self-obsessed, less
impatient, less anxious.”
He points out that even if you’re not
married, the sheer prospect of marriage is a great
domesticator. “If you hope to get
married,” he writes, “and if your friends
and peers hope to get married, you will socialize
and date more carefully…you make yourself
marriage material.” I am 41 years old, and
have been an adult for long enough that I deserve
to be treated like one.
When Mike and I turned in the paperwork for our
marriage license, pride and honor overwhelmed me.
We fell in love with each other all over again.
Just as when we married religiously before, now
doing it again, legally, brings back the romantic
times of our early experience together. Marriage is
a way to re-romanticize your relationship! We were
so excited about this political adventure of ours
now turning into an emotional and romantic one
again that we decided to buy more rings! Yes, gay
men and jewelry jokes aside, we decided that our
initial bands had been engagement rings. Now, our
diamond rings from our religious ceremony would
become our formal religious rings and our new rings
would be our legal rings. We’re making up gay
etiquette as we go along!
Entering the jewelry store where we found what
we wanted, we discovered that newspapers around
Massachusetts had nicknamed it “the Gay
Tiffany’s.” A couple who had been
together for 52 years bought their rings here, and
appeared on “Good Morning America,” as
did these jewelers, who sold them the rings and
showed us their photo and pictures of others who
bought rings from their store and married in
P-town. I actually started crying as I looked at
the picture of these two men who waited 52 years to
make it legal! Then when they took our picture, I
was filled with pride and honor.
After we bought the rings, we now had to wait
three days for the license to become official, and
meanwhile, find ourselves a justice of the peace.
We called several and left messages, then found one
who answered her phone when I called. I could hear
her smoking like a chimney as she talked
incessantly about the injustice to gays and how she
loved being part of this momentous occasion for us.
She scheduled our appointment for April 12,
Thursday—right after we picked up our
license.
The day came. We took photos going to town hall,
going in, picking up our license, and coming back
down the stairs holding our license. I have to tell
you, holding that piece of paper meant so much to
me!
We met the minister, who in person was as nice
and pleasant as she’d been on the phone. A
lesbian couple and their friends cheered us on as
we kissed, following the minister’s prompting.
It felt right. It was right. We were applauded at
shows when asked by Lesbian comic Kate Clinton,
Margaret Cho, and a drag queen (who did a really
bad Cher!) if anyone got married while in
P-town.
And there we were, legally married. For the
remaining two days of our trip, we were legal kin!
Getting married was a politically and romantically
joyous experience. I cannot wait for our next 49
chances.
©2009 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2023, Gordon Clay
|
