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Rapture or Rupture? You Choose!
I’d like to say more about the Turtle and the
Hailstorm in terms of why and how these two types
meet up, and how they need each other to form a
relationship. (From last
week's column.)
Turtles are the partners who use minimizing as a
defense to protect themselves from emotions that
feel unsafe or extremely uncomfortable. Their goal
is not to hurt others with their Turtling, but
rather to stay connected to themselves and to the
Hailstorm—and this imploding and going inward
is the best way they know. Uncomfortable with long
conversations, they prefer to keep things short and
sweet. That’s how they stay attached to
themselves and to their partners. This doesn’t
necessarily mean they are meek, shy or introverted.
That’s more of a social style that either the
Turtle or the Hailstorm might adopt.
Hailstorms are the maximizers. Although they too
are uncomfortable with their feelings, their
defense is to express them—immediately!
Maximizers fear that their partners, usually
Turtles, will reject and abandon them. As a means
of protest, and sometimes to get the Turtle’s
attention, they become louder, more verbal and
bigger than life. The Hailstorm’s way of
protesting overwhelming feelings of rejection and
hurt is to explode with emotions and talk
incessantly, threaten to leave the relationship,
and/or use their moods in an effort to make contact
with their Turtle partners. Being maximizers
doesn’t mean they are extroverts who socialize
with ease. Being the life of a party is a social
style, not an emotional style.
Rapture
At first, the two fall through the doorway of
romantic love with each other. Turtle tells
Hailstorm, “You are so alive, passionate,
vibrant and compassionate,” referring to the
outward emotions he observes in the Hailstorm.
Hailstorm tells Turtle, “You’re so
calming, thoughtful, introspective and relaxing to
be around,” referring to the inward way the
Turtle handles his emotions. To begin with, this is
seen in a positive context. Over time, however,
once romantic love ends and the power
struggle—the second stage of
relationships—begins, neither the Turtle nor
the Hailstorm finds these traits likeable or
attractive.
The fact is, both Turtle and Hailstorm have met
in each other the parts of themselves they have
lost and buried. Most Turtles want to emote more
and become more verbal. Most Hailstorms would like
to calm down and handle situations without
exploding. But, neither is conscious of this, nor
do they know how to do it. The Turtle lost his
ability to be more emotional during childhood, when
strong emotions weren’t blessed or honored,
and the family message was, “Don’t
feel.” Hailstorms often lost their ability to
be calm and emotionally contained in families and
cultures that valued the display of strong emotions
and discouraged passive behavior. So each enters
the other’s life to bring online his own lost
parts and buried self.
Rupture
Turtles-and-Hailstorm couples come to my office
or my workshops, believing they are mismatched.
Each arrives feeling superior and desiring to shine
a spotlight on the other’s shortcomings.
Turtles often strut in, enjoying the knowledge that
their Hailstorm will eventually show up and start
hailing. Then they can point and say, “See
what an abusive, mean, angry person I’m
with?” Meanwhile, the Hailstorms’ best
hope is for their partner to sit there quietly and
be passive-aggressive, so that I can see what an
abusive, mean and angry Turtle they’re
with.
Until they begin their couples work, they do not
realize that each of them is a different side of
the same coin.
- Both desire contact and connection with each
other.
- Both are trying to preserve and defend their
emotional selves.
- Both are trying to recapture their lost
selves.
And yet, each is scaring the other to death!
Turtle is scaring Hailstorm by appearing to be
disinterested. Hailstorm is showering Turtle with
too much emotion, more than he can handle.
The reason why all of this causes rupture for
the couple is that neither Turtle nor Hailstorm
knows what to do. After the romantic love period,
nature leaves them both on their own to figure out
the rest. I often say that’s why Imago
Therapists were created!
As in the Turtle and Hailstorm scenario, each
feels that to change and make the other happy is
humiliating and will only confirm that they
themselves are the “bad guy.” The truth
is, both need to stretch and needn’t wholly
change their stripes.
Here, adapted from Imago Relationship Therapy,
are 10 Smart Things for maintaining rapture, and
not rupture, in your relationships:
1. Ask your partner for an appointment to
talk about conflictual conversations: Never
start talking about frustrations or angry matters
unless you and your partner have both agreed on the
right time to do it. Typically, Hailstorms force a
conversation about “issues” without the
consent of their Turtle partners. But few Turtles
are eager to ask for appointments, since they are
typically stifling their own feelings.
2. Informed Consent: Even if your partner
has consented, never start talking about a
frustration with without first telling him what
that frustration is. Both of you should be on the
same page, knowing what the topic is and when it
will be discussed.
3. Don’t wait more than 24 hours to
discuss a frustration: Turtles are seldom ready
to talk about whatever their Hailstorms want to
address. Thus, Hailstorms often feel they’re
being rejected or pushed away, and they take it
personally. It’s not personal at all. Rather,
its just the Turtles trying to manage strong
feelings and emotions with his protective shell.
But often the Turtle could take days or weeks, if
ever, to discuss the conflict. So the rule is never
to not wait more than 24 hours. It is a good
stretch for the hailstorm to wait and not have
impulsive conflict-ridden discussion immediately. A
time out can be a good thing for Hailstorm.
4. If you’re the one who declined the
appointment, you be the one to suggest when would
be a good time: This is something I recommend
to couples. Both personally and professionally,
I’ve found that whether the Turtle or the
Hailstorm initiates an appointment and their
partner says no, the partner told no feels
rejected. It’s painful to keep coming back,
asking, “Is this a good time?” or
“How about now?.” It’s like begging!
If you’ve declined, maybe just to avoid the
topic or for whatever reason, then you should be
the one to return and say, “Okay, I’m
ready now” or, “I still don’t feel
ready—can we do it tomorrow?.”
5. Both individuals should do some
stretching: This is different from changing. By
stretching, you become willing to give more of what
your partner wants. In so doing, you’re giving
something to yourself as well. Hailstorms learn to
contain their bigger, stronger emotions and
don’t need to become loud and volatile over
every conflict. They can learn to “chill
out,” trusting that a calm approach will be
effective since Turtles need less reactivity. And
for their part, Turtles need to learn that they
needn’t protect themselves by always staying
inward and detached. Their Hailstorm is teaching
them about connectedness, in which emotions are a
natural part of the conflict and that they can feel
perfectly safe.
6. Use safe and effective dialogue:
Particularly when a conflict is emotionally
charged, Imago Relationship Therapy offers several
effective ways to dialogue with a partner. And I
recommend you pick up Harville Hendrix’s book,
Getting the Love You Want to see how you can use
the Intentional Dialogue.
7. Reduce reactivity: Most conflicts
don’t go well because of both partner’s
reactivity. It’s important that you both wait
until the reactivity subsides considerably. Not
that the frustration or conflict has to be gone,
but if either of you is defensive and
over-reactive, you’re not going to be able to
hear each other.
8. Avoid criticizing: We all tend to
think that if we point out our partner’s
shortcomings, we’ll get what we need. When
you’re angry at your partner, it’s easy
to be critical. But we teach in Imago that
“Criticism kills love.” In fact, this
sets it up so that you will not get what you need
and want.
9. Stick to one topic: Most couples
usually start to argue over one topic.
Then—either out of weakness, because he fears
he’s losing; or out of overconfidence on the
assumption that he’s winning—one will
change the field of battle. It’s imperative to
stay on one frustration for your entire dialogue.
If you have another topic to discuss, fine! But
save that one for another appointment, at another
time.
10. Stay away from judgment: It’s so
easy to sit in judgment over your partner and tell
him who and what you think he is. The problem is,
90 percent of that judgment is about you, and only
10 percent is really about him! Judgment of anyone
else is really not relevant, much less helpful in
achieving rapture. it’s so much more effective
to work on—and change—yourself , so stay
in judgment about yourself.
©2009 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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