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Covert Sexual Abuse of the Gay Male Culture,
Leading to Sexual Addiction
In treating and helping sexually addicted gay men,
we must understand how homophobic acts constitute
covert cultural sexual abuse. Lacking this
understanding, we can't heal what I believe
contributes to the development and continuation of
sexual addiction among gay men. For this article,
I’ll argue that the claim that “being gay
is nothing more than just a matter of sex” is
covert cultural sexual abuse. And just as with
sexual abuse survivors, as a result of this covert
sexual abuse, the world can become overly
sexualized for gay men. Over time, many of them
grow to believe the homophobic assertion that gay
equals sex, and thus become prime candidates for
sexual addiction.
Heterosexism is defined as the assumption that
everyone is (or should be) heterosexual; the belief
that homosexuality is subordinate and that
heterosexuality is superior, or somehow more
“mature.” In “Healing from Cultural
Victimization: Recovery from Shame due to
Heterosexism,” Joseph H. Niesen, Ph.D.,
details the painful effects of sexual/physical
abuse—and heterosexism, which he defines as
“a form of cultural victimization that
oppresses gay/lesbian/bisexual persons.” He
states that this stymies individual growth and
development, just as [in] individuals who
have been sexually/physically abused.”
In fact, most of the literature on sexual
addiction reports that a high percentage of sex
addicts have been sexually abused as children.
Various writers have reported different
percentages, all of them high. In his book, Don't
Call It Love, Patrick Carnes reports that an
estimated 81% of sex addicts are victims of
childhood sexual abuse. In a 1994 article in the
Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity Journal, Mark
Schwartz, and William H. Masters, explore how the
development of sexual addiction is fused with
earlier sexual development in childhood, and
examine various ways in which traumatizing sexual
abuse may later promote compulsive sexual
behaviors. “Deviant sexual arousal and
compulsivity symptoms,” they state, result
from “the influence of stigma and trauma to
unfolding sexuality.” Writing about how
deviant arousal manifests during adolescence, they
see sexual-acting out as a survival mechanism,
developed to cope with their “need to depend
on other people [who] they fear can injure
or destroy them.” The symptoms, they explain,
“become functional in dealing with anxiety,
depression, loneliness and myriad other emotions,
and thereby become ‘both necessary and
distressing.’
Overt sexual abuse involves actual touching;
examples include inappropriate holding, kissing,
sexual fondling, masturbation, oral sex and forced
sexual activity. But sexual abuse and sexual
addiction don’t necessarily involve physical
contact. In Don't Call It Love, Carnes talks about
forms of abuse in which there’s no touching of
any kind, sexual or otherwise. He gives the example
of a father becoming turned on while talking to his
daughter about her developing breasts. The
daughter, feeling violated, vainly tries to change
the subject. Even though physical touching is never
involved, Carnes still considers the father guilty
of sexual abuse.
Covert sex does not involve physical touch;
Carnes gives the examples of flirtations and
suggestive language, propositioning, household
voyeurism/exhibitionism, sexualizing language and
preoccupation with sexual development. I believe
the gay male community is the victim of indirect,
covert abuse, and that some individuals develop
sexual addiction as a result.
One definition of sexual abuse in general is
when any person dominates and exploits another
sexually—violating trust and the implicit
promise of protection. Typically, someone who sees
himself as “in control” uses his status
to control, misuse, degrade, humiliate, or even
hurt others—who, by inference, are always
inferior. Society's judging gay men for our sex
acts alone and even passing laws against same-sex
attraction is covert abuse. A dominant
perpetrator—uncle, stepfather, or half-bother
who's familiar, trusted, and seemingly
all-powerful—can easily lure a boy into a
sexual relationship and force him to comply.
Indeed, many studies confirm that in cases of rape,
the basic motive is not sex, but power. The
abuser's ideal target is a child who's still naive,
lacking the “immune system” of emotional
and intellectual experience that tells him when
he's being violated—and when he should resist
and say no!
Consider the gay boys and adolescents lured by
heterosexist society into a sexual
compliance—forced to role-play at being
heterosexual. This parallels the sexual abuse of
children. In Now That I Am Out, What Do I Do? Brian
McNaught writes that “most gay people have
been enormously, if not consciously, traumatized by
the social pressure they felt to identify and
behave as [. . .] heterosexual, even though
such pressure is not classified as sexual abuse by
experts in the field. Imagine how today’s
society would respond if heterosexual 13- to
19-year-olds were forced to date someone of the
same sex. What would the reaction be if they were
expected to hold hands, slow dance, hug, kiss and
say, ‘I love you’ to someone to whom they
were not—and could not—be sexually
attracted? The public would be outraged! Adult
supervisors would be sent to prison. Youthful
“perpetrators” would be expelled from
school. Years of therapy would be prescribed for
the innocent victims of such abuse. Volumes would
be written about the long-term effect of such
abhorrent socialization (as today we lament the
ill-conceived efforts to turn left-handed people
into right-handed ones). Yet, that’s part of
the everyday life of gay teenagers. And
there’s no comparable public concern, much
less outcry, about the traumatizing effects on
their sexuality.”
Many of my gay male clients express severe grief
for what they were told, as children, about
homosexuality at church or synagogue, in school,
and in their families. Many report listening to
ministers preach against homosexuality as an
“abomination” and “evil.” Every
day, gays and lesbians are daily bombarded by
newspapers, TV, and religious zealots who believe
homosexuality is an abomination. Imagine the trauma
felt by gay boys or lesbian girls—lacking
emotional and intellectual maturity, as all
children do—when they see those they admire,
in charge of their welfare, protesting against
homosexuality; and realize that they're one of
those very people these homophobic authority
figures are talking about! This is covert sexual
abuse, an assault aimed directly at one’s
sexual orientation and sexuality.
Heterosexuals diagnosed as sexually addicted
often have histories of overt and/or covert sexual
abuse. They’ve been taught to believe that
they are hopelessly flawed, that their affection is
inappropriately sexualized. Confused about their
sexuality, they come to believe that the world is
unsafe and dangerous, and learn to keep sexual
secrets. This is the same experience of those who
grow up gay in our society, paralleling overt forms
of sexual abuse and leading to the core beliefs
which, Carne says, contribute to the development of
sexual addiction: 1) I am basically bad and
unworthy; 2) No one would love me if they really
knew me 3) My needs are never going to be met if I
have to rely on others; and 4) Sex is my most
important need.
Unfortunately, as a result of their covert
cultural sexual abuse, gay men are especially
vulnerable to sexual addiction. Given this
information, a therapist is better equipped to help
more effectively with their recovery. It also helps
gay men learn that there’s nothing inherently
wrong with being gay; the problem is what
heterosexist society has inflicted on them. By
recognizing this, they—like the survivors of
sexual abuse— can shed the victimization and
empower themselves.
©2010 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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