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May The former first lady who, remember, is now a private citizen, was notably absent from the January 20, 2025 inauguration of the current president and also bowed out of former President Jimmy Carter's funeral a week and a half earlier on January 9th, where she would have been seated next to that new president. "My decision to skip the inauguration -- you know what people don't realize or my decision to make choices at the beginning of this year that suited me, were met with such ridicule and criticism," she said. "People couldn't believe that I was saying 'no' for any other reason; they had to assume that my marriage was falling apart. While I'm here really trying to own my life and intentionally practice making the choice that was right for me." She went further, adding that she also meant to set an example for her daughters: "I want them to start practicing now the art of saying 'no.' Because I see it in them, pleasing, excelling, not wanting to take anything for granted, always showing gratitude, feeling like they're enough right now, right? It's a practice. It's a muscle that you have to build, because if you don't constantly build it, you don't develop it." "No" would have been enough. It didn't need to be explained to anyone. She chose not to attend and isn't involved in making public policy decisions that affect the country, like the current first lady who doesn't appear at many events. And "no" is enough for all of us. It's what other writers have called "the power of the positive no." "No" is enough, even if others expect us to explain ourselves. "No" is all we owe others. "No" is a clear setting of our boundaries. "No" is saying we disagree with the very ask, the assumptions it makes, their interpretation of scriptures and history, the prejudice of others, any need for buying into an argument that another is encouraging, or our feelings, and their pressure, that we're the ones who need to justify ourselves. But most of all, "no" communicates that we have taken a stand we believe in. "No" takes moral courage. And "no" is saying to the questioner that we're really sincere about what we're doing, we're not "wishy-washy" people just going along with what is currently politically calculated. There are many ways to say "no." When someone claims to be quoting the Bible against LGBTQ+ people, we can get into an argument over what it says or we can say: "No, I know a lot of people interpret that scripture that way, but I don't." Since everyone interprets it and many use the Bible to blame their prejudices on God so they don't have to feel responsible for them, a positive "no" of this sort breaks their pattern. One can then freely choose to explain or to just repeat "that's not how I interpret it" over and over again. One does not have to buy into an argument that might actually energize the one using the Bible as an addiction. When someone objects to anything about transgender people, arguing only goes so far. You can go as far as you want, but there's a point when "No" is the way to end the circling around in borrowed talking points from those who just want to argue to maintain their prejudice. "No, I disagree" would be enough. Anything else is extra. You don't have to be an expert on gender issues or even understand the depths and variety of what transgender means to those who so identify. "I believe them" is enough. Maybe it's time for adult LGBTQ+ children to stop preventing their parents from dealing with their transphobia and homophobia and say: "Mom, dad, if you want to be around me, you will have to accept me as I accept myself and love the people I love." I don't know -- maybe we still need their love enough not to be ready to say "No" as a fully-functioning adult. Part of the difficulty in "No" is as liberal, caring people we in fact do think that we have an obligation to explain ourselves. Of course, there is nothing stopping us from doing so if we choose, but there is nothing that says we owe an explanation to anyone, particularly those who'd prefer we don't exist. That feeling that we owe everyone explanations might come out of inner child memories that one can get hurt emotionally and physically for just saying no - we were taught that unless people understand us, we aren't safe from ridicule, rejection, and even physical harm. It might also indicate that our own feelings still require that we are understood in order to feel better about ourselves. Maybe we over-rate our responses as somehow crucial moments on which the whole LGBTQ+ liberation movement depends. Maybe it's a part of just wanting to be loved by someone. Maybe it's a perfectionist need. But, as Michelle Obama tells us, there is nothing wrong with just saying "No." "This couldn't be a grown woman just making a set of decisions for herself, right? But that's what society does to us. We start actually finally going, 'What am I doing? Who am I doing this for?'" Michelle Obama continued in the podcast. "And if it doesn't fit into the sort of stereotype of what people think we should do, then it gets labeled as something negative and horrible." "I feel like it's time for me to make some big girl decisions about my life and own it fully." Maybe it's time for all of us to do the same. © 2025 Robert N. Minor Other Issues, Books, Resources
Robert N. Minor, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus at the University of Kansas, is author of When Religion Is an Addiction; Scared Straight: Why It’s So Hard to Accept Gay People and Why It’s So Hard to Be Human; and Gay & Healthy in a Sick Society. Contact him at www.FairnessProject.org
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