Being
a Man

 

Getting the Ex Back


Hey Dennis!

I read one of your replies to a question and thought your response was excellent. Could you please could you help with this one?

I was in a relationship with my ex for just over a year, when we first started dating. I was finding it very hard to get her out on dates. She is a very attractive girl, but also has many friends so I may have been only seeing her one night a week for the first 1-2 months. I am a very successful young man with good looks and many people like me, but I was not used to this treatment, any way after about 2 months I ended the relationship, because I felt that we needed to spend more time together.

After a couple of weeks we got back together, and she moved into my place, things carried on pretty much how they were but we did get to spend more time together, we did come from totally different situations I was used to long term loving relationships and she was used to being single for years just having fun with her girlfriends. I know at times I probably came across as needy but surely relationships are about spending time together, right?

The next six months went ok, but I always felt second best and this just used to grate on me, she was very immature and often played games with me leaving me in no-win situations, I could play the games back but I just didn't want too.

About two months ago she went out on a Friday night with her friends, I called her the next morning to see if we could meet up and she said she was hung-over and just wanted to stay in (she was back living at her parents.) I said, "Well it would be nice for you to want to see me at some point over the weekend; maybe I'll see you Monday then." Her reply was, "There you go again - having a go at me!" So I just said "Let's just forget it!"

We didn't talk for a week, then I tried to contact her and she wouldn't talk to me on the phone and proceeded to just insult me by text! I held my own telling her how bad and selfish she can be at times. This went on for about 2 weeks

I thought I would leave her alone after that and have had no contact for over a month but I do miss her and want her back.

What shall I do?

Hello!

Thanks for your comments on a previous reply!

Here's something she's not telling you: she has lost interest, but just isn't mature enough to tell you so. So she's just hiding and trying to insult you trying to make you go away. In effect, she's too much of a coward, and frankly, a self-centered bitch (sorry, it's true) to tell you exactly what she's thinking.

First of all, let's consider one question: do you REALLY want her back, or do you just feel that you've lost and you want another chance at winning again. It appears that this girl is manipulative, non-communicative, self-centered and a game-player.

You on the other hand seem to be a good guy that is just looking for a good girl. What inside of you would make you want to chance this sort of pain? Just because she's attractive to you means very little. There are TONS of attractive girls out there and in fact, many of them are also great human beings. From your description, this is not something I'd ever say about your ex. Don't you deserve better than her? I think you do.

Here's a rule about women: they want to date "up". In other words, they want to believe that they are lucky to be with a particular guy. Your ex obviously doesn't feel lucky at all. She didn't even give you the courtesy of a goodbye as though she didn't owe you anything, and is even blaming you for her own bad behavior.

In order to make her want to change her mind (which you already know I think is a mistake), she has to feel some loss. What are the odds of that, do you think? As long as you're chasing her, they are absolutely zero. She knows she can have you whenever she wants, and thus, your "stock" is nothing.

Thus, the answer is to get out there and start dating every short skirt you can find. She has to feel that she's lost you or she won't have anything to win back.

There is an added benefit for you however: you get to see how women really are by dating other ones. You get to see how they treat someone that they care about and that cares about them. Your ex is not a good example of this at all.

What would happen then if you find some terrific woman that fits you in every other category that you adore? Do you think you'll forget about "Ms. It's-all-about-me"??? You bet you will.

Who is the "winner" then?

Best regards...

© 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Other Relationship Issues, Books

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Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty

Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World I and Being a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. Check out the discussion group at: groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman . Stay tuned for our new Internet TV Show - BAM TV - starting soon!



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