Should I Give Up Relationships To Have a
I recently started a graduate (doctorate)
program where I have to keep a 3.5 GPA or else I
will get kicked out. It's kind of a conditional
thing...err sort of. So no guarantees I'm going to
get my doctorate. You know what I mean. Also you
can't get any C, D, or F grades. So basically this
year I have to be really focused on studying and
schoolwork and not be distracted from it. The thing
is though I have been really lonely for a long time
and the last few years have been really hard for me
because I haven't had a boyfriend. The last time I
kissed a guy was...oh jeez I can't even
But now that the situation that I'm in with
school and stuff, would you say it's wiser for me
to lay off the dating scene for these few years?
Because relationships, dating, and breakups really
are a lot of drama and they can really mess up your
grades. And I don't want to get kicked out of
Also...since I'm going to be an educated career
woman, what are the types of men I should date.
Everyone tells me that men are intimidated by women
who are more educated and make much more money than
them because then they dont feel like as much of a
breadwinner (which I will be most likely) but I
wonder is there really a truth to that...or do guys
want women as successful as they are?
OH yeah and last question - when a man leaves a
woman (his wife, girlfriend whatever) for another
woman - what have you seen in your experience to be
the main reason? Money, careers, fights, sex,
conflict of interest, difference in personal
values, race, religion, etc...What do you think are
the BIG reasons?
Also...is it the same reason women leave men for
other men or different reasons? I'm just asking
what have YOU seen in your life experience?
Well now, are YOU full of questions today??
Regarding your degree; certainly sometimes one
thing takes precedence in our lives over others. If
you feel that dating or relationships will prevent
you from meeting your GPA requirement, than I
certainly agree that you should avoid those
However, consider this: when you get to the end
of your life do you think you'll be most happy that
you got your degree or that you have warm,
fulfilling, loving relationships? You see, it's the
friends and lovers we make throughout our lives
that give it real definition. If you put that on
hold, you're actually stunting your
emotional/relationship/sexual growth and I think
that would be tragic.
Do you believe you can't balance these things
enough to have them both? If not I just think
you're not trying hard enough.
Regarding careered, degreed women intimidating
men: no, this is mostly a fallacy held over from
years ago. Men today aren't intimidated by
accomplished women; but on the other hand, women
have a very real problem dating men that are
less-accomplished than they are.
I've been doing work on this very concept over
the past few years and will write about it in my
up-coming book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World
III". It's something I call the "Power Gradient".
It's a little complicated, but it works like this:
in general, women have a built-in need to date
"up", into greater power than they themselves
posses. Power is measured in many ways and can be
different from woman to woman, but the facts
As you gain greater accomplishment you also gain
greater power. What this does is serve to limit
your available dating pool since fewer and fewer
men are perceived as having greater accomplishment
(power) than you have.
Interestingly, this works just the opposite for
men! Men don't care as much about power and use
other criteria to select a mate. Thus, a woman's
power is of little consequence while his own is of
great importance. The more powerful he becomes, the
greater his own dating pool is!
The point of all of this is simply that your
status will have much to do with finding that mate
in the future. This is all the more reason to find
him (or them?) now, before you reach your academic
and career goals.
Regarding men leaving women: While there is no
main reason, the far most common reason men leave
their women is sex. Of course everything else in
the couple's life adds to this, but be clear on
this point: any woman that wants to have a
successful relationship had better grow her skills
as far as she possibly can. It is the rare man that
will leave a situation where he's getting not only
the quantity but the type of sex he needs.
Now here's the problem with this: almost every
woman believes she's incredible in bed, and in
fact, very, very few really are! My own experience
puts this at about 10% (and trust me, I've been
with many, many women!) From my research, most men
say about 25% of the women they've been with have
any real skills!
Why the disconnect? Simple: men will tell you
anything they have to in order to have sex with
you. They'll even lie and tell you that you're
great when you're not and will not even expect you
to get better or grow! They are often just happy
that they're getting sex in the first place.
Thus, there's little motivation for you to learn
these skills while in a relationship! Further,
women don't put much emphasis on sex as being an
important relationship skill and thus, often don't
bother to study and practice. They even believe
that this is the man's job anyway so they focus on
Very, very bad choice for any woman that
actually wants to keep her man around!
As to the reason that women leave, yes it's
different. Although sex can be an important factor,
it's far more common for women to leave when they
perceive that the man has lost his power (see
above) in whatever way she interprets it. A close
second however is loss of affection, closeness,
passion and intimacy as this translates to the same
boredom men feel in sex.
© 2009, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,
* * *
Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
for answers. Check out the discussion group at:
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