I'm Tired of Being "Too Shy"!
I'm 33 years old and only had a few
relationships in my life. Any women I did date felt
like I was settling since I didn't have the self
esteem to get the women I really wanted. I believed
very attractive women were too good for me or
always interested in some other guy. Looks are not
really the problem for me as I'm tall and in shape.
I get smiles and second glances from time to time
but I just freeze up and only nod hello.
The other day I walked into the bank and a
beautiful female teller had that obvious look like
"Wow, he's hot!" Then when I tried to start a
conversation, the girl was just shy and it didn't
go anywhere. Maybe next time, I'll get the courage
to ask her a question like 'How was your weekend'
to get her to talk.
My biggest, twisted problem is when I go out
with friends I hope that a girl will come up to me.
I try to tell myself a thousand times that it does
NOT work that way. I am more of a mellow, quiet
guy, not the life of the party. I am always much
more comfortable one on one with people. But when I
talk one on one with a pretty woman, I smile a lot,
but more in a shy way. Girls may see it as cute,
but in a very sweet, little brother type of way. A
lot of times a girl would seem interested at first,
and after knowing me a little, they would say,
"He's harmless", and feel they could have me
anytime if they wanted to.
Anyway, I just really want to develop and
portray more masculine energy and confidence in
myself. I don't want to come off as passive or
weak. I'm so tired of being so intimidated by
attractive women and I'm going to do something
about it if it kills me. I'm not getting any
younger! These other guys out there are no better
than me, their just more relaxed and more
experienced. I do go to the gym which helps with my
overall confidence and maintain positive energy.
Anyway, what advice can you give as far as working
Thanks for your input!
I couldn't be more pleased to hear that you're
fed up with the life you've chosen.
("What did that jackass just say? 'Chosen'? I
didn't CHOOSE to be shy!")
Yes you DID choose it; and stop daydreaming.
You've been choosing it for the last 33 years. I
think that is long enough, don't you? More on this
in a moment.
Let's begin with this, little factoid: In fact,
great women WILL approach you, but ONLY if they
know you could approach them first if you wanted
to! Think about that statement for a bit. I have an
e-book on my website entitled "How to Get Women to
Approach You" that describes this in great depth,
but the very first key is in knowing you could do
all the work yourself. This was a real epiphany for
me. When I realized this fact, it totally changed
my dating life. I have women approaching me all the
time when they didn't before! It happened again
just last weekend when I was out on a date with
another girl for instance.
I also had to learn how to do these things
(approach, build attraction, close, etc.) myself
FIRST. This is exactly where you are now; standing
at the threshold of the door to that answer. Turn
the knob, and let's go inside, shall we?
I said in the beginning that you CHOSE to be
shy. That is a fact. Nobody is "born shy" - they
come to it from any number of directions; whether
it's from over-bearing parents or siblings that
tease each other unmercifully or idiot kids at
school or being dumped hard by a boy or girlfriend,
everyone REACTS to those things; in by the very
reaction, chooses one path or the other.
Now, you're choosing a different path.
Let's talk about being shy for a moment. Think
about this: you're not shy all the time, are you?
Of course not, nobody ever is! There are many times
when you're bold and confident. Likewise, I get
letters from people all the time that ask me how to
be confident. They get the same answer you're
getting now: nobody is confident all the time
either. Instead, you get to borrow it any time you
Both of these are choices, and you're soon going
to realize that you can CHOOSE to be confident any
damn time you want!
("Shit! Could it really be this easy, or is this
doctor guy just blowing smoke up my ass?")
Pay attention in class and stop
Yes, it can really be that easy.
There is a key you're missing in order to start
building that confidence. Think about the times
when you feel confident. What's the difference
between them and the times when you don't feel
confident? It all boils down to one answer:
knowledge; more specifically: education.
You feel most confident when you're in
situations where you know the subject or situation
itself very, very well. This is called "confidence
When you walked into the bank and saw that
pretty girl, you were "out of your element." Let's
say instead that you worked there and were that
girl's boss. Would you still have felt as shy? Of
That is true in every situation you've ever been
("I hate people that think they know
Stop wondering and stay with me here...
When you know exactly how to walk up to a girl
and draw HER out of her shyness; when you know
exactly how to speak to her to build rapport and
connection; when you no longer worry about whether
she's attracted to you or not because you can BUILD
that attraction any time and to any level you want;
do you really think you'll still be shy around
Of course not!!
So, there it is. All you need is some education.
I suggest you get started because the bell has
already rung and you're already late for class. Go
check out my websites (http://beingaman.com and
http://beingaman.tv) and get started on building
that knowledge base. There are a ton of resources
there - many of them free - from books to CD's to
articles to a very active discussion group. As soon
as you do, you're instantly solving your shyness
problem and replacing it with simple, pure
confidence that you pull out any time you want or
The challenge however is just getting started
doing it. So, don't be challenged or shy any more:
© 2010, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,
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Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
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