a Man


Sex or More?


There's this guy at work that I've really hit it off with. We've been flirting lots but have also chatted lots and I started falling for him and thought he felt the same. We'd been texting and the other night we'd both been drinking, him out with his mates, me at home. When he got back into our town from his night out he rang and asked me to meet him, which I did, and we had a very steamy night. We didn't sleep together, but we couldn't keep our hands off each other and it was incredible. I was so happy. Well since then he has been far less chatty and seems uncomfortable unless we begin talking about sex, in which case he gets very horny and insistent that he wants to see me again.

This is great. It's great to be desired and I had such a wonderful time, there's so much chemistry between us. But I'm slightly worried that I shouldn't have been so physical with him straight away as I'm worried that actually he only wants me for sex. He's expressed that he doesn't really want a relationship now, but I thought that he was just anxious about getting into anything serious. But now I'm wondering whether he truly does just want me for the physical side of things.

I've really started falling for him. Neither of us has had a serious relationship before. I know it takes time to build up to a proper relationship, but he hasn't actually shown much interest in taking me out or going on a date. I thought he would but now he knows he can have me physically I'm not so sure.

Of course this has only been going on for a few days now. As I said, I like him a lot and I don't want to miss out on what could be great fun, but I really don't think I want a relationship based purely on sex. I don't think it'll do my self-esteem any good and I'm really ready to find someone who I can spend time with. But it's only been a few days and so I don't want to scare him off by telling him this, if in fact he would be interested in dating me and is just taking time to come round to the idea.

So I guess I'm asking, do I go along with all the physical stuff (which is actually fantastic for what it is!) and hope that he expresses more of an interest in seeing me as someone to date. Or do I cut it off now before it becomes a habit? I don't want to scare him away by talking about relationships, but I don't think I want just casual sex....I just don't know how he sees me.


Just as you said, it's only been a few days. This isn't enough time to establish any boundaries or rules for being with him.

Here's something you need to understand about men: whereas you come to relationships from the emotional connection (at least in the beginning) we guys come to them from the physical side. Initially, sex is the 800 pound gorilla in the room!

Women use early sex to bond and create an intimacy between someone in the context of a relationship, but guys are different in this regard. We use sex to determine if we WANT TO create bonding and intimacy with you. You need to realize that fact and combine it with knowing that there is a timeframe involved. If, after some period of time (and it's different for every guy) we don't get the physical out of the way, you'll lose access to our emotional beings. That is when it becomes "just sex". We'll still have sex with you, but you'll never again have access to our hearts.

I get letters from women that make this mistake all the time. They hold a guy off for months waiting for a strong emotional connection (their personal, selfish needs) only to find that when they finally sleep with the guy, he bolts. Why? Simple: they missed his window of opportunity. The guy gets they physical needs met and then sees he's never going to have anything emotional with the girl and moves on. She's left to believe however that all the wanted was the sex! Not so! He wanted more, but lost the ability to have it with this girl.

There's nothing wrong with having sex purely for sex's sake. Of course, you need to be emotionally mature enough to handle it, but I don't sense that's too big an issue for you. That is a valid reason to being a physical relationship with this guy if he turns you on. However, having sex in order to have a relationship isn't reasonable. You can't trade one for another.

Neither you nor I can know what his interests or goals with you are. If you hold him to take you out on a date in order to get sex, he'll do it, but wouldn't you rather see what you can build as a team? If you're good with the physical aspect, go get it out of the way and then start seeing what you can build together. If he believes he's going to have to be more than sex partner to you if he wants to keep you, don't you think he's going to step up?

On the other side, give him a reason to step up! Start dating some other guys too. Have some options here for yourself - and some reason for him to move forward at the same time.

Best regards...

© 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty

Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World I and Being a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to him by going to: for answers. Check out the discussion group at: . Stay tuned for our new Internet TV Show - BAM TV - starting soon!

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