Compromise to Get Him Back or Bolt?
I've been dating a guy for 6 months. We were
inseparable we spend loads of time together. We get
along fantastic our families love each other. There
is one big problem. I had to move back to the town
I'm from which is where he lives. I noticed that he
didn't want me in his home when he isn't home.
He stated that he trusted me just not used to
being in a relationship seriously with someone.
Says I'm his first real relationship and he doesn't
want anyone snooping through his things. (an insult
at best) So when I stay over and he leaves 5 or 6
am sometimes on the weekends I have to get up and
I needed to stay with him for a week before my
apartment was ready and I had to wait for him to
come home from work before I got indoors. Some
nights I was in school so it was ok, but as you
should know it took a toll on me. I finally moved
into my own place.
The last straw was when I spent the night over
he didn't have to work but woke me up in the cold
and rain to take him to the Laundromat. He knows he
can drive my car to do something like that but he
wanted me to come because of his issues. I have let
this man use my car to visit his sick mom in the
hospital but had to stop because of his unfairness.
I feel bad but my car has nothing to do with him
seeing his mom.
Anyway once I took him to the Laundromat I got
so pissed at him (add the cold rain and me looking
a mess early in the morning) that I left. Then I
thought about it and went back to get him. He was
upset and said someone else was going to pick him
up. I met him at the house and asked for my things,
but he ignored me. The next week I told him I just
wanted my spare remote car key. He stated "I don't
understand you I've been working hard to give you a
good x-mas and you do this!" I know its true
because he always buys me gifts and already started
x-mas shopping for me.
I responded that I love the gifts but my dignity
and self respect means more to me. He said he'd
give it to me on 12/09 his next day off. On Monday
12/8 I got a text from him saying that he can't
give me the key on the 9th it has to be the 14
because he has to work, which is crap because we're
together all the time work or no work. I suggested
the mail once but I just let it go and told him
whenever he's ready is fine.
I feel so deeply for him but I feel undignified
when made to leave his house it is such a big
inconvenience for me. I don't need a key and full
access. I respect his privacy but I have to respect
myself. I'm prepared to break up but I don't want
I know exactly why he's doing this.
There are a few so-called "experts" that
recommend this very specific thing. He's been
listening to their "advice" and doesn't realize
that for them, it's about entertainment - NOT
practical life coaching. These entertainers (and
one in particular) use this shtick to address their
target markets and do so extremely well, I might
add. The problem is that it's just that: shtick.
Many guys don't get that and actually buy into it
I have to chuckle a little about this however.
No offense, but let's be absolutely realistic here:
over time, if you absolutely knew that you wouldn't
be caught and especially considering your current
insecurities (probably somewhat reasonable, I might
add), wouldn't you snoop a little?
Of course you would. Every woman would; so at
least on that front, he's right. My bigger concern
is with his need for absolutely privacy - and his
unreasonable demands to get it.
Here's what you need to do: Sit him down and
have a talk about this. Explain to him that in
order for your relationship to grow (rather than
decline) he's going to have to get over this fear.
Yes, you understand it and you're not going to
discuss whether it's reasonable or not; simply that
normal, healthy couples don't have these sorts of
issues between them. You want to have a normal,
healthy, mature relationship and none of these
expectations on his part are any of that. What that
ultimately translates to is that if you and he
can't come to an understanding about this, you're
going to have to find someone else that wants the
same things you do.
Remember: you're not his counselor, you're his
girlfriend. You're not here to make up for his past
insecurities or whether his mommy hugged him too
little or too much. He's an adult now and has to
deal with adult things if he wants an adult life.
You can't make him do this, but he needs to open
his eyes about it and realize what he loses - and
will continue to lose - if he doesn't get this
If he can't do that, you're going to need to
reconsider what you want and if you can get it
through this relationship.
If you might even show him this letter from an
unbiased (huh?) third party if you think it'll open
his eyes a little wider.
© 2010, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,
* * *
Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
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