How to Move On
Have you been having trouble moving on after
breaking up with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend?
This can be very difficult to do! Im going to
show you an incredibly powerful technique to help
you get healed quickly and permanently and to move
on so that you can find that next great love and
Why You Cant Move On
Why can it be so tough to move on? Often, it
depends on the circumstances of your breakup. For
instance, if your ex cheated on you, not only do
you feel alone, you often have a bruised ego, many
unresolved feelings, etc. Even worse, you will
likely replay the event of the breakup over and
over again in your mind with all those
powerful emotions attached only to continue
to reinforce the loss.
When you combine all of those powerful emotions
with a constant replay of events, you work not to
forget but to remember! Youre actually
programming your mind to reinforce the effects of
the breakup. Now it makes sense that you are having
trouble moving on!
The problem is that most people think you can
just stop doing this and itll go away. In
reality, that doesnt work. Let me illustrate
Lets play a quick game. I want you to
relax for a moment, sit comfortably and close your
eyes. While youre in that state, try to NOT
think of a white rabbit. I want you to really make
the effort to NOT think of that white rabbit. Give
yourself about 1-2 minutes and really try to NOT do
it. Go ahead and do it now. Ill
Ok, did you try it? If you did, you just
discovered something very important. You cant
do it! You cant NOT think of a thing.
Thats a very important lesson in how your
mind is wired. Its designed only to DO one
thing or another, not to NOT do it!
This also leads you directly to the next
What You Need to Do
Obviously, you have to first stop repeating the
breakup or the fight that led to the breakup or
that last phone call you had or whatever
youre repeating over and over again. However,
thats probably much easier said that
What you need is an ACTIVE technique to redirect
your mind and turn all that negative energy into
positive action. Im going to give you that
technique here. Its called the
If youve seen my show or read a few of my
articles, you now that I talk about this tool
regularly. Its just that powerful. What it
means is to take all of those powerful negative
images and redirect them into ones that will help
not hurt you. That is, to reframe
them into something you want.
Heres how it works:
First, get somewhere that you wont be
disturbed for about 10-15 minutes. You dont
want phones or friends or family stopping this
exercise once you get started or youll simply
wind up having to start all over again.
Sit down in a comfortable place and loosen any
tight clothing or shoes. Take a few deep breaths,
close your eyes and let your body relax. Muscular
tension is going to work against you, so let it go
Allow yourself to feel the pain, hurt,
frustration, anger or any other emotions that your
breakup has caused you. Beginning this feeling
process is an important part of the technique. If
youre numb to it, youre not going to be
able to use it to propel you out of the funk!
So, as you begin to remember these images
youll find that you actually start to see,
hear, smell, taste and feel them coming back to
life. Youre reliving them again in your
Now, lets take the first active step.
Notice how bright and loud and colorful and
pronounced all of these images are? Ok, lets
dial them down a bit. Turn down the brightness of
the image in your mind. Begin to let the color of
it fade and turn down the volume until its
just a weird muted mumble.
Watch the image fade to black-and-white and then
let it go out of focus. Just imagine your
experience of the event and the person themselves
fading out; not away however, just out.
Check your emotions now. Are you less anxious,
hurt, angry, etc.? Of course you are. Thats
Next, lets take that moving dull,
black-and-white, muted image and let it slowly
recede into the background. Watch the image get
smaller and smaller as it moves away from you.
Notice how your emotional experience is also
getting smaller as this happens? Great, youre
on your way.
Next, imagine the image flying over your head
and behind you. When you turn around to see it
(again, in your mind) it hides behind you. Note
again how it seems so far away now its
almost a distant memory, and so is your emotion of
Now, let that image go shooting up into the sky.
Watch it as it travels right out of the atmosphere
toward the sun, gaining speed as it flies. Finally,
it hits the sun and creates a beautiful burst of
color as it simply burns up and is gone. Take a
moment to enjoy the image.
Now, come back to your emotions (forget the
image now) and notice how you feel free and
relieved of the image, and for that matter, of all
those negative emotions themselves? Lets turn
that up next.
Allow yourself to really FEEL that relief. Enjoy
how it feels to be free of that image. In fact,
this is your reward for having done this exercise
so well! Enjoy it and turn it up. If you can add a
picture or sound to that feeling do so now and turn
those up as well. Let the colors and tones
intensify to create even greater pleasure and
Take a few moments to revel in this and when
youre done, take a deep breath and open your
eyes. Now, just realize that youre done and
ready to get back onto your day.
Keep in mind that one practice session
isnt going to remove all of this for you.
Youve likely been over the event youre
trying to eliminate hundreds of times. The good
news however is that; if you do this exercise every
day, 2-3 times a day, youre going to find
that within a week much of your emotional tie to it
is fading. Within 2-3 weeks, it will be all but
This will be a good time to start looking at
your relationship goals again or writing
them out for the first time. Part of healing is
getting started on the next chapter of your life.
Dont just float get going!
© 2010, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,
* * *
Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
for answers. Check out the discussion group at:
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