a Man


Get Going, Get Confident

Hey Doc,

With Valentine’s Day coming up lately I have been noticing like most single guys how much this day sucks when you are well single. However due to a severe lack of self-confidence and a habit of picking the wrong type of girl I was thinking that it would be best to ask someone who has knowledge of this issue a few questions:

1. How does one build up the confidence to talk to a girl that they might be interested in?

2. Is there a way to at least get a small feeling that this girl might be the kind of girl that "you just know will be trouble" (ex. control freak, for lack of a better term "whore," or worst of all one who just feels sorry for you)?

3. Finally would there be anything else you would add to help me find someone who would at least give me the time of day (I'm not the most attractive guy in the world so I need every trick I can get)?


Frankly, V-Day sucks when you're in a relationship or married too, but I digress.

To your questions:

1) Lack of confidence isn't a condition - it's a passing event and that's exactly how you need to think about it. Consider this: when you're sitting around having dinner with mom and dad, do you lack confidence? What about when you're hanging out with your buddies. Do you feel unconfident then?

Of course not.

The reason you think you lack confidence is actually pretty simple: you actually lack education. That's a very different thing than lacking confidence wouldn't you say? More important, it gives you a direction; a plan, because once you gain that education, you're problems with confidence are going to be all but over!

Think about this. Let's say that you knew exactly what to say and what to do when you were around beautiful women. You would no longer have to worry about coming off as insecure of lacking confidence because you'd already have the answers. Isn't that a very different way to live than what you've experienced up until now?

So, the answer to your question is simple: gain education, turn that into experience and you'll lose the problems with confidence; pure and simple.

2) Absolutely there is! I talk a lot about how to spot different "female conditions" in my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". Most important however isn't avoiding these types of women at all; it's seeking out the ones that fit your goals.

Let's consider that point for a moment.

If you're spending your time trying to avoid certain women, you're actually missing all the great ones that are coming around you. Your mind can only focus on one thought at a time. You need to be focusing on exactly the type of women you want to attract rather than those you want to avoid. In order to do this however, you need a clear plan; a road map to follow. This comes from creating clear, specific relationship goals. If you don't have these, then the first woman that walks by is the "right one" simply because she fits your LACK of planning. Thus, your concern about avoiding the wrong women - it actually fits in perfectly with your (lack of a) plan!

3) Your looks have almost nothing to do with your success with women. That is another waste of energy to think so. My own research and that done by countless others continues to bear this out. Women rate other things as far, far more important than your looks! In fact, do you know where women place it in the order of importance? Number 8! Get that - 8! There are seven things that are MORE important than how you look!

It's those 7 things you need to be focusing on, not the 8th most important thing! So, what are those 7 things that are more important? Simple: 1) power, 2) confidence, 3) sense of humor, 4) "genuiness" 5) masculinity, 6) conversation skills, 7) style.

Every single one of those things are elements you can work on and improve easily, but again, it takes a concerted effort and a road map to get there.

I strongly encourage you to gain all of these things - and to learn how women REALLY think, speak and act rather than trying to impose your own beliefs on them and think that's going to help make you successful with them. It won't. Go take a look at my books. They are geared toward getting you to all of these things in the most direct and straightest path possible.

Best regards...

© 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Other Relationship Issues, Books

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Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty

Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World I and Being a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to him by going to: for answers. Check out the discussion group at: . Stay tuned for our new Internet TV Show - BAM TV - starting soon!

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