a Man


Facebook Flirting Fails

Hey Doc:

A month ago I saw this girl at a dance party. We stared at each other for a very long time and the spark was obviously there, but I had to leave and she had friends next to her so I missed the chance to meet her.

Few days ago, I came across her profile on Facebook and guess what, we are at the same university! I sent her a friend request, explaining our early acquaintance and I told her I would be happy to take the first step for meeting her on Facebook since the chances of coming across with her and meeting her in person are very low.

She accepted my friend request without any response. Then I messaged her asking some questions about dance and her department, etc. She replied in a very friendly manner but surprisingly, she said she does not remember me! (Wow, how do you forget a person you have explicitly flirted with?)

At the same time, she left a flirtatious and funny comment under one of my photos, relating to another photo of me, which obviously made me think that she has been scanning through my profile.

After a few messages back and forth, I told her I would like to meet her in person and would like to know her better and I asked for her number. She replied "Of course, I would be glad to meet you, but you give me your number and I will message you."

I gave her my number, respecting her privacy. However, she hasn't messaged me for 2 days. I started to wonder if she is not interested although she said she would be happy to meet me.

The more surprising thing is, she keeps commenting on my status on Facebook in this 2 days period.

Is she playing games? Could you please give me an insight on what to do? Thank you.


So, you were waiting for the "perfect opportunity" to approach her and it never came. That figures - they never DO come! If you continue to wait for perfect opportunities, or even good ones without MAKING them for yourself, you're going to be one lonely guy!

Next point: OF COURSE she didn't message you! Regardless of what she said, it's not her job to move this forward, it's YOURS. You tried to give that up and put it in her hands. She's not going to call you or text you (god forbid anyway!) You could call this a "game", but it's one you've lost for lack of knowing what to do. Honestly, I can hardly blame her since you've set yourself up for all of this!

Here are some rules you'd better learn (and by the way, there are more of them than just this short list):

1) Perfect opportunities never come. Good ones rarely come.

2) You need to learn to MAKE opportunities with women because of this!

3) It's YOUR JOB to approach women - regardless of the eye contact or friends or whatever.

4) When you don't, they instantly think you're a coward.

5) Unfortunately, they are almost always right!

6) When you do approach them, you need to get DIGITS at the very least.

7) Using Facebook or technology of any kind works against you in all of this

8) Because it makes you look weak and cowardly in women's eyes.

9) When you give a woman your number this confirms weakness and cowardliness.

10) ...and for that reason alone, you're not likely to hear from this girl.

Now, your next question is: "how do I fix this?"

My answer: "You can't." How are you ever going to prove to this girl what you've been screaming at her all this time (weakness/cowardliness).

You have to work entirely from a point of powerlessness. If you contact her again via Facebook, the very best you can do is say, "Well, can we get together now? Pretty please?????"

Begging is never a good way to come off as masculine and powerful. What you should have done was to approach her when you had the chance. All of this would have been solved if you'd have just done that first. If she tried to pull that pre-test about you giving her your digits, you should have said, "Ok, no thanks. I'm only interested in girls that don't need to play that game. Obviously, if you can't give someone your phone number, you're never going to be dating anyway and I'm only interested in women that are serious and mature about these things."

If you had done that, she's have shoved her number in your hand so fast it'd make your head spin!

Best regards...

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© 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Other Relationship Issues, Books

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Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty

Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World I and Being a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to him by going to: for answers. Check out the discussion group at: . Stay tuned for our new Internet TV Show - BAM TV - starting soon!

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