Being
a Man

 

Men and “The Hunt” Explained


I get lots of letters about all sorts of dating, sex and relationship problems every day. It’s interesting that they so often fall into clearly defined categories.

One of the most common comes from women that follow various prescribed paths only to find that they prevent or destroy their relationships. The majority of these paths seem to come from what I call “mass-think”. More specifically, these are ideas that; while totally incorrect, continue to be shared as “fact” mostly among women. They are actually, anything BUT fact, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Just this morning I received a response from a woman whose question I answered yesterday. She chided me for being “wrong” since she had “…read lots of other’s advice that said just the opposite…”

Interestingly, it was that very advice that got her into trouble in the first place!

By following this mass-think, she was going down the exact same failed path that so many other women follow, yet as often as I hear about how ineffective these beliefs are, so many continue to promote them and so few want to believe differently – and correctly.

Interestingly, many men fall into these failed belief patterns too; not because the actually follow the pattern, but instead, they just happen to be victims themselves of the avalanche of this same mass-think. I even hear men that even spout it themselves without knowing any better, but when you actually witness what they do and ask them why – well, it’s exactly the opposite.

I’m in the “what really works” business, not the mass-think business. Thus, if you are fully comfortable and don’t want to change the way you think, act or are, you’d probably best stop reading right here. On the other hand, if you want to learn a little secret that you have NEVER heard before, please read on. Just be forewarned…

Today’s topic: men and “the hunt”. More specifically, how women react to their belief that men “…love the hunt…” and that is somehow linked to women’s success in the dating world.

It’s no surprise that women spend much of their lives seeking out and acquiring knowledge about men, dating and relationships. Much of this information comes (unfortunately) from other women and thus, there are many misunderstandings about men and what motivates us.

In fact, men *do* love the hunt! The problem however is that women don’t really know what that is!

You can instantly see the disconnect here. If you are a woman and you’re trying to use methods that address men’s need to hunt, but don’t know what it really is, then you’re very likely to do what my previous reader did – simply listen to other women’s mistaken beliefs and respond to those in a “me too” fashion.

Let’s talk about what the hunt really is by using an actual hunt (for live game) as an example.

There are actually two parts to any hunt. There’s the “tracking and hunting” part, and then, there’s the kill. The differences between these two parts should be obvious. (Right?)

When applied to dating and relationships, this is where you girls (and some guys!) get it wrong.

You think that by playing hard to get, being evasive, using misdirection, speaking in double-meaning, being vague, etc., that you’re increasing the challenge of the hunt and thus, increasing your perceived value to men. This is supposed to make the man work harder and become more interested in you as a potential partner. It’s supposed to make him more willing to following YOUR game plan and do all the things you read about in romance novels.

Unfortunately, this simply isn’t the case.

What you don’t understand is that by the time we’ve found you, “the hunt” is over! We’re no longer on “the hunt”. We’re on the “kill” portion of our program.

In other words, we’re not interested in reaping the rewards for all our hard work!

If you’re the girl that tries to extend out that kill and some other, easier prey comes along, guess who’s going to become our new focus? Answer: it’s not you.

That’s a pretty tragic mistake, don’t you think? Yet, I constantly see women making it day in and day out.

These otherwise-great women lose the guy because they don’t understand this all-important rule of hunting – that the hunt doesn’t actually involve them! By the time we actually find you, the hunt is over.

I see this happening all the time. When I point out this fact to women I often get the argument, “Well, other people [read: “women”] have said this works!” This leads me to have to point out that if it didn’t work for this one, it’s not going to work for others either.

That’s both tragic and sad. But for a little education, these women could have actually had the relationship they wanted with the guy they’ve always dreamed of. Instead, they have to work twice as hard trying to repair the damage in order to try to recreate the relationship hope to have!

There are many obvious symptoms of this tragedy by the way. If you see these, you’ll instantly know why they are happening.

The guy:

  • Never calls
  • Becomes evasive and doesn’t return phone calls
  • Doesn’t seem to be available or trying to set-up real dates
  • Doesn’t seem interested in getting to know you as a person
  • Only calls late at night because he just happened to be “free” (and usually, drunk)
  • Doesn’t seem to be as open about his emotions as he was in the beginning
  • Seems distracted by every other person and aspect of his life rather than you

…and about 100 other symptoms resulting in you never actually landing the guy in the first place.

This would be a good time to re-think your game plan. If you’re hoping to get some guy “on the hunt” or “on the chase”, you’re already too late in the game.

I know this sounds like I’m just trying to make it easier for us guys and frankly, that is the net effect of this. However, what I’m really trying to do is to make it easier for you girls!

What you think are us playing games with you isn’t that at all. We’re simply reacting (poorly) to your games instead.

So, what’s the alternative?

The answer is so simple, it’s going to make your head spin: actually be available and interested and engaging.

No, this DOES NOT make you look desperate! We guys simply don’t think this way! Remember: we’ve already spent all this time and effort hunting you down. If you make it difficult (or impossible!) to actually get the prize we were looking for, we’ll find other, easier prey.

Best regards...

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© 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Other Relationship Issues, Books

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Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty

Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World I and Being a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. Check out the discussion group at: groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman . Stay tuned for our new Internet TV Show - BAM TV - starting soon!



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