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The Problem with Dating Farm Animals
In his bathroom the dust and dirt has just accumulated over the year I've known him. He doesn't empty his garbage; even when it gets full he just keeps throwing stuff in the pile. I've even watched him throw something on the floor by the garbage can because that is where the rest have started to fall anyway. His office is the same way. He piles the garbage and keeps it going in a corner or something. There were spots all over the floors where his new puppy had peed. His counters are filthy. If he wipes them off there is still food stuck to the surface and grime slid across the counter (you can see where something was and that it was tried to be wiped up but just got smeared and then left). He doesn't sweep his floors or vacuum. That means the dog hair balls up all over everything. He has mentioned that she made another mess and I just can't imagine what he possibly did to clean it up. It makes me sick! He doesn't have pillow cases on his pillows so you can see all the stains from drooling or whatever else on the pillows so I generally don't use a pillow and force myself not to think about the rest of the bed. A blanket he tries to give me when I'm cold always stinks very, very badly so I don't use it. I make sure to be wearing an extra layer of clothing in efforts to avoid being near the blanket. His dog was recently in heat and there are blood stains on the floor. The stains have not been cleaned and it's now been a week since she stopped. He used to have cats in the basement. They pooped and peed all over the carpet down there. It was EVERYWHERE! It was very gross and he only recently cleaned that out because his son moved in. His cloths aren't regularly washed and he often wears the same shirt over and over again.There are many times that his cloths smell like he left them in the washer for days then just moved them to the dryer so they have the mildew/moldy smell to them. Then there's his bad breath. Now that you kind of have the point, what should I do about it? I've started to avoid going to his house and if we have to stop there quickly I wait outside. I haven't mentioned his breath but I don't want to kiss him like that. I sometimes avoid getting close or standing near him. I don't know what to do. I won't be with him much longer if this continues. Do I leave him? Do I stay? Do I tell him? How? Hello! Man! I've heard of people that were messy, but this guy is just a pig! There's a big difference between someone that is just "unkempt" and someone that is endangering the ozone layer! I fear for all of our safety! Perhaps this guy's place is the portal directly to hell or something! If there's anything good about all of this, at least it's far too filthy for rats to nest! Ok, sorry about all the jokes - I know this isn't funny to you! There are a wide range of conditions that people are willing to live in, but this guy's choice seems rather extreme and frankly, unhealthy. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to hang at his place. I suggest you take an escalated approach with him. First, by this point in your relationship, you should be close enough to be able to have quality discussions and this is a good one. Explain to him that you originally thought you could deal with his lack of sanitation, but that you've come to realize that it's a far bigger issue for you than you thought. Then, see what he says. There's a very big difference between not knowing how to "fix" his present situation and actually liking it. If he stands firm on this, you and he might not be a very good match! Perhaps he'd be better off with farm animals than people. On the other hand, perhaps this is just a very bad habit in which case, you can help him establish new, more healthy habits if he's willing to try it. I suggest you start by offering to help him clean things up over a weekend. I know you're not his maid, but consider that this is actually "relationship management" in order to avoid embarrassing visits by the health department. Once you get things cleaned, help him develop a schedule for basic things such as taking out the trash, washing his clothes, vacuuming, etc. Now, be aware that you shouldn't do these things yourself! This is his job as his investment in your relationship. He needs to develop these good habits and may never have learned them from his mother. You might also suggest that he hires a maid to come in twice a month. You'd be surprised at how much this can help. She'll at least do the basics every two weeks which will change his environment dramatically. Consider that you're not trying to change him here; you're just trying to save his life ;) More important you're trying to save this relationship. If he digs in his heels and refuses to make any changes, he's not the right guy for you, but even then, I can't imagine what woman would be "right". Best regards... © 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder Other Relationship Issues, Books Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's
World. Got a love,
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