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Turning Down a "Friend" Hey Doc: I had a friend that is very important to me ask me out. I told him he was important, but just a friend. I didn't say "yes" to him because mostly I've been thinking about a couple of other guys, one in particular, that I want to go out with. They seemed to have shown signs that they might like me. One stares at me; smiles when I smile, always is asking me questions, which he doesn't really do with other people. The other I'm still looking into. (He held my hand longer than he should have when shaking a few times, for no reason, because he doesn't do that with other people.) I didn't want to ruin our friendship (I didn't explain that however because he didn't seem too upset). And then there is this other good friend that likes me, but I have no idea when he'll say something. I don't think I like him, but more of how he treats me and that he likes me. I don't know how I can say no to him, because he likes me a lot and it would hurt me hurting him. I've never seemed to have this many guys interested me at one time (and I may not be mentioning them all). So I'm a little naive even though I'm almost 21. Anyways, was I right in saying no to my one friend, possibly b/c of other guys? Hello! Let's start with a little reality here: you don't have any true male friends. What you have is guy(s) that want to date you but that are totally clueless on how to make anything happen with you. So, they become your friend, treat you really well, buy you dinners, give you gifts, listen to you when you're down and mopy and hope that you'll just somehow fall in love with them, do all their work for them and they won't have to take any risks of being rejected by you. I'm sorry, that's the truth. It's better that you get this straight in your head right now than to continue along this path thinking that things are otherwise, only to have to continue to hurt a bunch of "friends" down the road. You and I understand the difference, but, unfortunately, these guys don't. I suggest you give them my email address and website and have them contact me so that we can get them straightened out on all of this too. As to whether it's "right" to turn down your friend? Well, frankly, if you're not attracted to him, what else are you going to do? Are you going to just start throwing him "pity dates" which will eventually lead to "pity sex" and maybe even a "pity marriage"??? Of course not. The best answer is to realize up front why these guys want to be your friend rather than to assume that they're so fascinated by your stunning personality that they want to pal up; but in a case like this, you have to nip that in the bud after the fact. Just as you wouldn't cut a dog's tail off piece by piece, you shouldn't do that to your friend(s) either. Make it clear that you have no romantic interest in him/them and that they need to look elsewhere. Stringing them along is cruel and prevents them from meeting someone that they might have a chance with. If you're really a "friend" however, you could become a "wing-woman" for these guys, but that's an entirely different discussion. Best regards... © 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder Other Relationship Issues, Books Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's
World. Got a love,
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