Getting the Ex Back
I read one of your replies to a question and
thought your response was excellent. Could you
please could you help with this one?
I was in a relationship with my ex for just over
a year, when we first started dating. I was finding
it very hard to get her out on dates. She is a very
attractive girl, but also has many friends so I may
have been only seeing her one night a week for the
first 1-2 months. I am a very successful young man
with good looks and many people like me, but I was
not used to this treatment, any way after about 2
months I ended the relationship, because I felt
that we needed to spend more time together.
After a couple of weeks we got back together,
and she moved into my place, things carried on
pretty much how they were but we did get to spend
more time together, we did come from totally
different situations I was used to long term loving
relationships and she was used to being single for
years just having fun with her girlfriends. I know
at times I probably came across as needy but surely
relationships are about spending time together,
The next six months went ok, but I always felt
second best and this just used to grate on me, she
was very immature and often played games with me
leaving me in no-win situations, I could play the
games back but I just didn't want too.
About two months ago she went out on a Friday
night with her friends, I called her the next
morning to see if we could meet up and she said she
was hung-over and just wanted to stay in (she was
back living at her parents.) I said, "Well it would
be nice for you to want to see me at some point
over the weekend; maybe I'll see you Monday then."
Her reply was, "There you go again - having a go at
me!" So I just said "Let's just forget it!"
We didn't talk for a week, then I tried to
contact her and she wouldn't talk to me on the
phone and proceeded to just insult me by text! I
held my own telling her how bad and selfish she can
be at times. This went on for about 2 weeks
I thought I would leave her alone after that and
have had no contact for over a month but I do miss
her and want her back.
What shall I do?
Thanks for your comments on a previous
Here's something she's not telling you: she has
lost interest, but just isn't mature enough to tell
you so. So she's just hiding and trying to insult
you trying to make you go away. In effect, she's
too much of a coward, and frankly, a self-centered
bitch (sorry, it's true) to tell you exactly what
First of all, let's consider one question: do
you REALLY want her back, or do you just feel that
you've lost and you want another chance at winning
again. It appears that this girl is manipulative,
non-communicative, self-centered and a
You on the other hand seem to be a good guy that
is just looking for a good girl. What inside of you
would make you want to chance this sort of pain?
Just because she's attractive to you means very
little. There are TONS of attractive girls out
there and in fact, many of them are also great
human beings. From your description, this is not
something I'd ever say about your ex. Don't you
deserve better than her? I think you do.
Here's a rule about women: they want to date
"up". In other words, they want to believe that
they are lucky to be with a particular guy. Your ex
obviously doesn't feel lucky at all. She didn't
even give you the courtesy of a goodbye as though
she didn't owe you anything, and is even blaming
you for her own bad behavior.
In order to make her want to change her mind
(which you already know I think is a mistake), she
has to feel some loss. What are the odds of that,
do you think? As long as you're chasing her, they
are absolutely zero. She knows she can have you
whenever she wants, and thus, your "stock" is
Thus, the answer is to get out there and start
dating every short skirt you can find. She has to
feel that she's lost you or she won't have anything
to win back.
There is an added benefit for you however: you
get to see how women really are by dating other
ones. You get to see how they treat someone that
they care about and that cares about them. Your ex
is not a good example of this at all.
What would happen then if you find some terrific
woman that fits you in every other category that
you adore? Do you think you'll forget about "Ms.
It's-all-about-me"??? You bet you will.
Who is the "winner" then?
© 2009, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,
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Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
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