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Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love,
relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer
all letters. Write E-Mail
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
A Case Where Truth
Doesn’t Hurt Hi Doc: I am seeking an answer to a dilemma. If you call a person you are dating and they don't answer, but you leave a message, and that person doesn't call you back after several attempts is that person wrong; especially after wondering if you still have a relationship? After a month, I received an answer to my latest e-mail to her. My e-mail told her how much I missed her you and wanted to know if we still have a relationship. Then I made the mistake of spilling my guts about my deep feelings for her in hope that she would reconsider. Her reply was, "I am seeing someone else. He lives close by and he is nice. I hope you find happiness. I don't mean to be blunt, but would like to still remain friends." When we last saw one another she said she needed time to think things out, but didn't bother telling me she was seeing someone else. I felt like a fool by spilling my guts to her in my e-mail so I replied to her, "Hope your happy...have a nice life"; and worse yet, all of this happened today on my birthday! I felt like crying but didn't. Instead, I got very angry and felt cheated and deceived. I treated her like gold and this is the thanks I get! I have lost 3 more women to similar circumstances in the past few months. I am 52 years old, divorced, have no kids, and find dating at this age, that women are more selfish, heartless and anything else that defines a "bitch". Am I wrong? Please give me some guidance to this repeating nightmare. Thanks for your time. What am I doing wrong? Hello! The better question is, "What am I doing RIGHT?" The answer: not much! I too am sorry to be so blunt, but at 52 you have a lot of education you've missed along the way. You seem to believe that at your age (and the age of the women you date) that you should be past all of the rituals and games. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. There are very well-defined practices that we all have in our courtship. If you don't follow them, you're going to get dumped for someone that does follow them. Let's take just a moment and consider why these rituals exist. In most cultures on the planet, men pursue and women select. That's the first rule of the game. However, let's say that you're at a meat counter and you're looking over the steaks for tonight's dinner. Which one do you choose? You probably select the best piece of meat in the best cut you can afford. It's pretty simple. Let's get past all the romantic fluff and consider that women work this way too when it comes to selecting men. In effect, they select the best man that they can attract. However, what criteria do they use to make this selection? Certainly things like health, stability, financial wherewithal, height, looks, etc. come into play, but most men make the mistake of thinking that these are the most important criteria. In fact, they are not. What's most important is the guy that knows how the game is played and is willing to "do the dance." Here's a fundamental rule that I talk about in my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II": women don't want to be chased by a man; they want to DO the chasing. In other words, women want to find someone they consider to be stronger than they are in fundamental ways. They want to "date up." You prove yourself to be this guy simply by having the things she's looking for in her partner, AND playing the game. Here's your challenge however: she's much, much better at this game than you are! She's spent her entire life studying every nuance and subtlety of it while you've (and most every other guy out there) learned very little, if anything. You are coming to this game without an education and expecting to play it as well as she does. That's a sure way to failure! I suggest that you start changing your way of thinking and get that education under your belt right away. There's no reason why you shouldn't have the woman (or women?) you want. All you need to do is to learn the game and to start playing it. When you're ready to get started, check out my website for much more: Best regards... Hi there, I was surfing the net and came upon a website in which you answered some interesting questions. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and things are good between us. I know for sure that he is in the stage of life where he wants to settle down when he finds the right one. He made that clear to me very early in the relationship that he is marriage minded. I really love this guy and like I said we do have a good relationship. However, he never tells me how he feels about me. He treats me well but he never says the sweet things that I need to hear. He buys me things, makes time for me and does put me first though. Only once he told me that he missed me after he went away on a weekend business trip. I am a vocal person and I say how I feel about him all the time, and I get no response in return! When I ask him how he feels about me he says "I'm not good at saying things, but I know I will when I get married to the woman for me. The one gift I will give my wife is “I love you. I have never said that to anyone before and I want my wife to be the first one." Here is my issue: its not that I want him to tell me he loves me; I know he definitely has feelings for me (although I do love him but I've never told him) I want to know how he feels about me. How can I make him be more vocal? We discuss marriage on a generic level. I know for sure I want to marry him but when I ask him if he sees me in his future he says he doesn't know as yet. How do get him to marry me? Should I just be more patient? By him not telling me how he feels...and him knowing that I'm so into him makes me feel as though I don't know where I stand. I want to be a wife and mother and I want that with him. What should I do because I don't want to hang on to a man's coat tails? Hello! Different people use different communication "systems" in order to express themselves. There are three basic systems: "visual" ("show me"), "auditory" ("tell me") and "kinesthetic" ("make me feel it") types of people. It's obvious what's going on here: you are an "auditory" and he is a "visual". When we first get together with someone new, we use every communication system we have (all of us have all three, a primary, secondary and tertiary choice), but after a while, we tend to revert to the system that is most familiar to us. This is what's happening with your relationship. In effect, your boyfriend is telling you that he's going to start using all those other systems once he's married, but in fact, that's not likely! People generally prefer to use their primary system when they feel love as it's the most easily understood and therefore easily used. You have a few choices here: 1) You can learn these important rules of communication systems and learn to understand that when he "shows you" he loves you, it's the same as when he says it - or even tells you how he feels. 2) You can help him to better understand that you need to hear him express his feelings in order to feel loved yourself. 3) You can do both! Obviously, I recommend that #3 is your best choice! However, any of them require that you get educated about how communication systems work. I suggest you get him a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World" as it goes into all of this in great depth. Further, I also suggest that you check my website for details on how to get your man to be more vocal about his place in your relationship. You can go here and find an article about how to "Get A Man to Answer Relationship Questions": beingaman.com/articles.asp. Once you understand these issues, you'll be in a much better place to deal with them. Best regards... Physically Close,
Emotionally Distant Dear Dr. Neder, I read your answer on 'Trust' on the Internet and I hope you can help me. I am engaged to be married this December. The problem is I feel that my fiancé is not emotionally available to me during love making. I know she has been emotionally hurt by her past boyfriend seven years ago when she caught him going out with another girl. Deep down inside I think she loves me but I can't seem to sense the emotional connection when we make love. She basically gets straight to the point of what needs to be done during love making and get it over with. I feel like I am the female in the relationship where I need her to kiss, look and make love to me passionately. My reasoning for going forward with the marriage are: 1. I do love her. I know her feelings for me are genuine. I ended other relationships in the past for this very reason: I didn't feel the emotional connection. 2. I think she has been hurt in the past so this is her subconscious way of dealing with that. But then again, we are getting married! What is there to be afraid? 3. She doesn't have a lot of experience so she doesn't know how to express herself. I don't think it takes experience to express oneself emotionally. I am not looking for great love making skills here. I am simply looking for that gaze; that intimate kiss, etc. I can't recall the last time we looked each other in the eyes. I have brought this up with her before but was met with angry replies: "I don't want to be told what to do" and "Everyone expresses themselves differently" etc. I just don't understand why she would be so upset over this. To me it simply means that we are able to share our preferences and needs. Isn't that what marriage is all about; to get to know each other's needs, likes and dislikes and make compromises? Please give me some advice on what to do. Hello! Let's get this straight right here, right now: you are NOT responsible for what her ex-boyfriend(s) did or didn't do! Thus, if that's the excuse as to why she's "emotionally distant", both of you need to get over it right now. She's an adult, and as such, needs to deal with her past hurts on her own. You neither caused them nor are you the therapist that will solve them - especially 7 years later! In fact, if you're going to marry this girl, I think you have every right to expect great loving making skills and intimacy! What has she been doing with her love life, just going through the motions like she seems to be now? What a terrible waste! Worse yet, if you're going to be her husband, then doesn't she think you deserve her best skills and closeness? Even more so, don't you think that she needs to be emotionally present with you - especially in bed? I should as hell do! You've got some very screwed up ideas on what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship, (let alone a marriage!) Let me set you straight on this: 1) Both you and your fiancé owe the other your emotional health and maturity. Without this, your marriage is never going to survive. I don't care how much you love her. 2) Both of your sexual experience up to this point should be leading you to giving the other the very best you have to offer. Neither of you should be holding back! That little habit is going to translate very directly into the marriage. 3) You've probably heard that sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage, but let me assure you of this: it's in the top 3! 4) Neither of you is responsible for the other's past. Likewise, neither of you should be trying to "fix" the other's past. 5) As a couple, you need to get the communication issues worked out BEFORE you get married! Right now, you don't seem to be able to communicate with her about this, or if you do, she doesn't seem to be getting it. Finally, marriage is difficult enough without adding all of this to the mix. I strongly urge you to get this worked out right away BEFORE you get married - even if you need to postpone the wedding. This isn't just going to solve itself. Best regards... Hello, I recently got back into the dating scene, and have met interesting people. One guy in particular caught my attention. The problem is that during the first month we would speak constantly and had great chemistry. Neither of us made any plans to go out, because we wanted to take it slow. When we finally made plans something always came up on either part. The 2nd month everything started to die off, but now things are starting to pick up, not how I would like. He calls me to tell me about his week and to ask about my projects, and suddenly I won't hear from him for weeks, then calls on the weekends past 10:30pm. We usually meet up and seem to be are attracted to each other but I'm afraid he might only want one thing. How do I know? I am so new to this! P.S. We are both in our 20's and both of us got out of long term relationships I have also stopped calling, but when he calls I don't act bitter. Thanks Hello! Man! Do I see this disaster-in-the-making a lot or what? So, you "both" decided on "taking it slow", eh? Frankly, I'll bet that you told him you wanted to take it slow, and he simply agreed out of fear that he'd lose you. That is absolutely in the "top 10 stupid dating ideas" if ever there were stupid dating ideas! What exactly do you think you gain by taking it slow, or taking it fast or taking it anyway but how the relationship itself is just supposed to progress? Answer: nothing. Ok, now let's get something else cleared up here: yes, he absolutely wants to have sex with you. There, I said it. Pretty earth-shattering, isn't it? Did the lights blink on and off at your house when you read that? It's so amazing to almost be unbelievable! Leslie, take a deep breath and let's get past all the fear and anxiety here. This isn't brain surgery, and nobody's going to die. It's just dating, that's all. You (NOT him) get to decide if and when you have sex. You might have all sorts of reasons why you don't want to sleep with him right away from being afraid of looking like a slut to feeling used to something in your past; but again, you get to decide when it's right for you. However, consider that he gets to decide when he's waited long enough and therein lies the trade off. By trying to "take it slow" you're in effect, trying to manipulate both him and this situation to last as long as you want it to last until you decide that you want more - or to break it off if you don't. In effect, you want to keep him on the line until YOU get or don't get whatever you want; if you ever figure that out. Isn't that really the same thing as him wanted sex with you? Answer: yes, it is. Let me give you a slightly different way of looking at dating. It requires you to do some work up front, but it'll make your life dramatically easier. Here's what you should do: 1) Sit down and figure out what you really want from your dating/relationship life. Is it just to date a lot of guys? Is it to find a "soul mate"? Is it to have lots of experiences, or just have fun? Whatever your goals, you have to be absolutely specific here. Start by looking at how your life will be when you find exactly what you want. Use that model to work backwards and decide what traits you need in a man in order to have that. 2) As you meet guys, determine how they fit your model. If they don't fit, you don't have to waste your time (or theirs) and can simply move on. If they do fit, then find out what their model is, and see if you fit it. If so, start getting to know each other better and see how it works. Obviously, this requires you to have some goals, but it will definitely help you avoid situations like this one. The final point to make is this: do you think this guy fits your goals? It doesn't seem like it from what you've said. It might be time to move on and find someone that does. Best regards... What We Have Here Is a
Failure to Communicate! Hey Doc: I've been attending Massage Therapy class with this girl, and I really like her, but she won't give me anything except one word answers to anything I ask her! We've worked on each other here and there, but not actively. I usually ask her how she's doing, after long periods of separation like I do for everyone I see. For instance I'll say "How's it going?" in the morning when class begins, and I'll say "How are you?" after lunch or something like that. She'll only give me a one word answer, stuff like "Fine." or "Okay." and she'll just keep moving by. She won't stop to talk to me, or even look at me, like most people do. I can be outgoing, but sometimes I'm shy and secluded myself. Is there something wrong with me, my approach or tactics? I consider myself a real person, in the sense I don't pretend to be something I'm not. I actually care what this girl has to say, but I can't get her to talk to me. She seems sort of shy, herself, but I'm still not sure how to go about even striking up a conversation with her. Any help with this problem would definitely be most appreciated, even if it gets me a slap in the face. Hello! "What we have here, is a failure to communicate!" (From the movie, "Cool-Hand Luke") Let's start by getting the first question on your mind out of the way: "Is she interested, or not?" My answer: maybe. Maybe this girl is terribly shy and just doesn't know how to act around you. Maybe this girl is brain-dead and has difficulty putting two words together. Maybe this girl has no interest and all and you disgust her, so she avoids contact with you by limiting her vocabulary. Obviously, there's no way to really know what's going on in her head. In fact, women are notoriously good at keeping their real intentions and beliefs hidden. Knowing this fact however is a real benefit for anyone that has ever been interested in a girl! Since you usually won't know up front what a woman's interest in you is, you have only one way to play it - as though she *IS* interested and you simply have to bring that out in her. If you misinterpret her interest, so what? You both can simply move on, (my term: "NEXT!"); no harm, no foul. So, let's move on to your second question: is there something wrong? My answer: maybe, but not likely. I don't know you and can't say if there's something wrong with you. I sincerely doubt that there is however. What I can say is that there's definitely something wrong with your approach. What you're doing is asking her "close-ended" questions. These are questions that can be answered in one- or two-word statements. When she says things like "fine" and "okay", she's avoiding anything that's very deep and meaningful. Why would she do this? Simple: because it fits the types of questions you're asking her. What you want to do instead is learn to ask "open-ended questions." These are simply questions that can't be answered with a one- or two-word answer. Let me give you some examples of open-ended questions: "Why did you decide to study massage?" "What's your favorite technique?" "What kind of practice do you intend to do after school?"...etc. These are questions that both require half-a-brain's worth of thought to answer, and that will get you something more. If she comes back with another short answer, or says "I don't know...", then you don't have much to work with and would probably be best to move on. If she dives right in and starts to answer your question with even a little enthusiasm, she's telling you (indirectly) that she's got some level of interest. Again, you won't know how much and that's why you still need to play this right, but at least you'll know that something's there, and you can tell her that you'd like to hear more about it over a drink one evening. Best regards.. In a Sea of Messages, This
One’s Mixed Hello Doctor, I need your advice on a little dilemma of mine. There is this guy that I've known for quite some time now. It started off with just getting together for drinks and then a couple times for dinner, but it's been over a year and I don't know where we stand; whether he just wants to be friends or something more. Around our second or third time getting together last year, he brought up the topic of relationships. He mentioned that he has been in a 10 year on-again, off-again relationship with this girl. I asked about his status at that time. He replied that they're just friends now, but, that she says he's the one for her. Somehow, I got the impression that it was his nice way of telling me that he's not interested in anything more than just friends with me (that was just my assumption), but we continued to get together on a few more occasions, but nothing ever happened. I decided on my own that we were just going to remain friends (I didn't want to keep my hopes up for anything more). However, every time I saw him; be it at a group outing or just the two of us, I still felt that bit of attraction towards him. I never said anything and just acted like a casual friend because I couldn't stand the thought of rejection. It wasn't until a few months ago when we were hanging out together like all the other times and having a fabulous evening. He completely took me by surprise towards the end of the night and kissed me. He said that he waited all night to do that. After that, we both left without saying anything more. An entire weekend went by and no word from him. The following week, I received an e-mail from him asking me about my weekend and some mentions about the kiss. He asked me what I thought of it and if he was too forward with me. I responded by saying that I didn't think he was too forward, but I'm glad it happened the way it did. A month goes by and I still haven't heard anything from him, no e-mails or even a call. But then I saw him again at one of our group outings which he came over to say hello. However, for the rest of the night, we didn't talk at all. It wasn't until I was leaving that I went over to him to say good-bye and he asked me when we are going to hang out again. It threw me off and I didn't know how to respond, except by saying-- anytime, just e-mail me. The entire summer goes by and nothing from him. We met up once again at another one of our group outings 3 months later. This time I spotted him and attempted to say hello first. After that, he did not leave my side for the entire night. I thought everything was going so well. We had so much to talk about and even mentioned about that very night he kissed me, except we never mentioned the 'kiss'. I made a comment about him having a few too many drinks that night and whether he remembers anything. He replied that he remembers everything vividly. I was so close to asking him about what happened that night and why he kissed me. I guess I sort of wanted to hear from him whether he wanted this to be more than a friendship or it was just a spur-of-the-moment feeling he had when he kissed me. But I completely chickened out and never asked. So basically, the whole night went great, at least I thought so. You could definitely sense the attraction between us. But what bothered me the most and left me with questions was when he left. All he did was to give me a peck and a hug and took off. This happened about a little over a week ago. I can't tell if he's interested or not. Should I just forget about him and move on? Also, I wanted to contact him (through e-mail) to see if he'd like to get together. He's always been the one to e-mail me first and initiate getting together in the past. I on the other hand, have never contacted him first. Maybe I should at least make the move just this time and go from there? Because 'if' we do get together this time, would it be wise to ask him what really happened that night with the kiss. What should I do? Please help. Hello! So, let me get this straight: you are attracted to him, but you act completely indifferent when you're around him. He even kisses you (likely a HUGE step for him) and even asks you about it later on and you're dishwater-dull about it. Even now, you're not 100% sure of his feelings so instead of doing something to find out, you do nothing but lay out a plan for him to follow in your mind (contacting you via email, asking to hang out, etc.), but do nothing about it - including telling him! Can you say "mixed messages"? I knew you could! Here's what's going on: Yes, he's interested. He'd never have kissed you in the first place if he weren't. Then, he'd never have asked you about it later. Unfortunately, this guy is obviously not one of my students and doesn't know what in the hell to do from here! He probably figures that you're just not interested and has moved on. So, what should you do? You better start by deciding once and for all if you're interested in him or not. He's not going to just come riding up on his white horse, sweep you off your feet and lock you up in his castle on top of the hill! He's waiting for you to show him something - anything - that is a positive response to what he feels is a very obvious signal. But instead, what does he get back? Static. White noise. Email him and tell him you want to get together. Don't wait for him to do this - he has already done this many times. It's way past time for YOU to reciprocate. When you DO get together with him, kiss him back for God's sake! Climb in his lap and give him a big, sensuous kiss. Express to him in something close to his language that you're interested too. You might even tell him directly that you would like to start seeing him more often or even try working on something more because you both are obviously attracted to each other. If you continue doing what you're doing now, he's going to quickly lose interest. In fact, I'm surprised he's even hung in there this long. Best regards... What's up brother? I'm a 24 year-old man in the process of reading your 2nd book again. I've come a long way but am trying to get a better grasp on some of the conversation stuff, and trying to program myself act more "manly." Anyway, there's a girl at work who I just discovered is single and who's since been increasingly flirty with me. Without being to presumptuous, I think I even caught her talking on the phone about me today. We've get along well and she's told me last Saturday that she thinks I'm hot, so naturally my "don't be a dumbass" alarm went off. Though a nice girl, she is definitely a socializer and a big gossip queen which makes me skeptical about her intentions (i.e. possible Attention Whore?). Likewise, this works against my perception of an "ideal woman." I'm not asking you to analyze her intentions; I know you're no mind reader. However, I am asking you're opinion. How much of a challenge is necessary to remain valuable and not come off as an easy close? My interpretation is that she may be trying to get me to chase her (something I don't want to do and am very afraid of). Nonetheless, I see the situation similar the "when to call a woman after getting her number" dilemma. Ask her out too soon, I'm anxious. But too late, I'm nervous. Is it time to grab the bull by the horns, or should I hold out a bit so she can build me up in her mind? I'm thinking the former, but I want to be confident in my decision. Also, how much concern should I have for her "social butterfly" personality, especially since we work together? Please help, Hello! If she's overly gossipy at work, this might work against you. One of your first jobs; assuming you take her out, is to have a talk with her about discretion. Explain that you wouldn't be going out with her if you believed she was going to discuss it at work and that you expect her to keep her mouth shut and to be discrete. You need to get moving on this right away. As soon as a woman shows you interest - especially in a situation where you see her regularly such as work - you need to move on that. If you wait, you look like you're uneasy with it. This is a turn off to women. Remember: women want that feeling of being swept off her feet. By acting quickly, you're telling her that you're no-bullshit and that she's going to have to do something about it or lose out. When you ask her out (actually, TELL her you two are going out), give her two dates/times when you're available. If she doesn't take one of them, just say, "Ok" and turn and walk away. This is a powerful, dramatic event - especially if she's given to being an Attention Whore. In effect, you give her attention and then you take it right away. This tells her that she has to follow YOUR program in order to get what she wants. Then, avoid her until she DOES start following your program! The best part of this is that it calls her hand. If she's only interested in your attention, you'll know it right up front! If she's interested in more, she'll be anxious to go out with you. Then, you can handle things accordingly. Best regards... Dear Dr. Neder: I am an African female who has very short hair and for these reasons, I feel that men are intimidated by me. I am 5'0 feet tall and very petite with a voluptuous body. Aside from my looks however, my speaking abilities are very polished and I also major in Math and Computer Science. I have been told that I am a very beautiful woman but for some reasons all the good looking guys my age won't approach me let alone look at me. I end up attracting the ones I do not like. The guys I do like often times do not seem to be interested in me. What should I do? Hello! There are two issues with being approached - and being "approachable". The first is that it doesn't really matter how you look! Almost everyone is attractive to someone else. That's something of a prerequisite for the approach. However, what's even more important is being approachable. I can't tell you how many women I see just out running around (not at bars or clubs) that have their eyes down, never look at anyone else, smile or make any sort of human contact, are all wrapped up, looking like secret agents - then they don't understand why men don't approach them! So, the first rule is to be approachable. But, how do you do that? Here are some suggestions:
There are a ton of other body-language signals you can use, and for a complete discussion of these, I'll refer you to my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II". Wait, I mentioned TWO issues about being approached, so what's the second? Simple: learn to DO the approaching yourself too! Today, there's nothing wrong with women approaching men. Not only does this NOT seem like a terribly aggressive action, it's easy and simple to do. There are very few men today that don't enjoy being approached, and let's face it, if you meet one of these guys, are you really that interested in dating him in the first place? Women can use the same approach methods that men use. For much more on this please visit my website. Best regards... Would Setting Him Up Be
Wrong? A few months ago my boyfriend cheated on me. I stayed with him because I saw he was truly sorry. I look back now, and honestly regret not giving him time without me, to see how life would be without me even for a few days. He is starting to act like he doesn’t care as much again. I wish he would crawl after me, and in a way, do anything to have me. Even though, right now, he already does have me. So my point is, would it be totally wrong of me to set him up to see if he would cheat on me again? I have this gorgeous co-worker who would act as the other girl. If he did, it would be the end of our relationship because there’s not an hour that goes by every day that i don’t think about what happened a few months ago. I love him to death but it still hurts me so much. The girl he cheated on me with is friends with my friends, so i see her a lot. I can’t help but think about it all the time and he knows how bad it hurts me, but I still think he would do it again. PLEASE HELP! Would that be wrong on my part? Hello! Let's start by talking about you. Where is your self-esteem? I can tell you - it's in the toilet. Now, before you go, "Yep! That's right - it's because of my boyfriend..." I'm going to stop you. Nobody's self-esteem is about anyone else. It's always about ourselves. We make choices in our lives and choose to view ourselves in specific ways. We sometimes compare ourselves to others and then try to measure our own worth against that view of how we measure up. The problem with this is that we can't possibly measure up! Each of us is a unique combination of attributes that don't exist in anyone else, anywhere. You seem to think that your trust for your boyfriend is something he either gives you or he doesn't. That's not at all what trust is! Trust (like self-esteem) comes from inside. Even if he "passed" this little test, you're still not going to trust him simply because you don't trust yourself. Your own self-esteem is so low that you can't trust him or anyone. Likewise, relationships are fragile things. If you do something like this your relationship is going to suffer even further regardless of the outcome. It's already on the skids and you might as well just end it right here rather than trying to do further harm. This harm would not only be to him and your relationship, but especially to you. I strongly suggest you don't do this. Instead, start focusing on yourself. What makes you think that something like this would ever be ok? Why are you so insecure that you'd have to test another human being in this way? Ultimately this is about revenge, not trust or security. Likewise, it totally lacks the other important aspect of relationships: respect. Since you don't respect yourself, you don't feel the need to treat him or the relationship with respect. Start with you instead of him. Work on your own self-esteem and you're going to find that as that grows, so do your options. Best regards... Dear Dr. Neder, I am 23 years old and just got my Bachelors degree from university. My boyfriend is 28 years old and doing a postdoctoral fellowship at my university. We have been dating for 7 months. (I mentioned this background to let you know that our relationship is more than a transient high school romance.) During this time, we went through a lot: From arguing and fighting to having beautiful memories. He expresses so much love for me and has mentioned that we are in the road to marriage. Currently, our relationship is going very well and we love each other very much. But there is one thing that bothers me. About 2 months in our relationship he told me: "you'll see what type of a guy I am; I like to give presents and gifts every WEEK to my girlfriend because I love giving presents." As you see he raised my level of expectation at the beginning of the relationship and yet didn't get me much throughout the relationship. He bought me a jewelry container in the shape of a love box, a little souvenir statue from one of his trips, some chocolates souvenir from another trip, a little wish card, and has taken me to dinner in a restaurant to celebrate my acceptance to grad-school. In the last two times that we went out, we had a great time and the next day he would send me a thank you email. But that is it. This all happened in a 7 month period. He is a professor at university so I know he does not have financial hardship. He is also very mature so I can't say that he just said something without thinking. It also seemed to me that he was talking from experience with his ex-girlfriend 5 years ago. I want you to know that I am not the type of girl who lets the guy spend all his money on me: I have paid for both of us in many occasions from restaurants to theatres. Please don't get me wrong: I am not looking for expensive gifts, but I can't help of being bothered by what he told me and what he actually did. I am a person who enjoys little, simple things in life so even a 10$ necklace will do it for me. We were once talking about presents and I was in the middle of saying :"yes, I think you are also the type of man who like to give gifts, because I remember you once told me that...." and he suddenly interrupted me, as if he was embarrassed, and said: "yes, yes, I remember what I said, don't say anything, ....." I thought maybe he had got me a nice gift and doesn't want me to think that it was because of my reminder that he got it. But then time showed that he hadn't got me anything. So I don't know how to explain his reaction. Overall, I am upset that he doesn't give me presents. I know he loves me and wants to marry me. But as a girl, I like to see an expression of his love as well. Do you think my concern is valid? Isn't it true that gifts from boyfriends are demonstrations of their love? Should I ask him about the reason? I am sort of reluctant to do so because then I'll be pushing him to get me gifts and it'll no longer be spontaneous. But how should I make him know of my concern? Thank You, Hello! When people start new relationships, they do everything they can think of to show their interest in the other person. For instance, they tell them they are interested, they show them they are interested by doing thoughtful things; they touch to show interest, etc. In short, they use every method they can think of to express how they feel. Each person has a "preferred method" or "modality" of being shown this love and interest however. Some people need to hear someone say "I love you" in order to feel loved. Others need touch and closeness and still others have to be shown. It's not that those that prefer touching don't want to hear the words too, it's just that we each have a "primary modality" that makes us feel most loved. As the relationship progresses however, a person tends to revert to the modality that he or she prefers simply because it seems so direct and specific. You are likely a "show me you love me" type of person. Your boyfriend on the other hand is likely one of the other modalities. Thus, if you were to ask him if he thinks that he expresses his love for you, he'd say, "Absolutely! Don't you remember when I [insert his last expression of love here]..." Frankly, I'm against gift giving as a method to show love. It's tied to a financial arrangement rather than something less cold. If you really need to have money spent on you to feel that your boyfriend loves you, I'd suggest you re-think that position. If you disagree with this, I suggest you sit down with a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page. Now, list everything you've spent on him on one side, and everything he's spent on you on the other. Then, draw a balance at the bottom. If it doesn't match, (for instance, you haven't spend the same amount on him), then I'd ask you: why don't you love him as much as he loves you? How romantic! That doesn't mean that a little gift here or there isn't a nice gesture, but why does it have to be based around money specifically? You mentioned that he's dropped you little notes here and there. Isn't that a loving expression? I'll bet he's done other things that are loving expressions too, and if you stop and think about them, you'll begin to realize just what they mean. So, what's the answer here? Is he a liar because he didn't give you as many gifts as you expected him too? Are you a gold-digger just waiting to fill your closets with things? Neither of these is true. You both simply have different ways of expressing your love for each other. I suggest that you talk to him and explain that you like being shown how someone feels for you. Little expressions of love and caring go a long way, and you need them regularly. Expand your acceptance of what these expressions are, and if he does something like this - even if he doesn't pay a dime for it - see it for the loving expression it is. But, don't do this unless you're also willing to find out what makes *him* feel loved too! Ask him what things you do that make him feel close and loved by you and start working on yourself to insure he gets as much of this as he gives you. Now that's a ledger that balances. Best regards... Hey Doc: I was going out with this 24-year-old girl for about 3 months. We enjoyed our time together but she fell for me pretty hard. Since it was only 3 months, I believe that her feelings were mostly infatuation, but I'm not sure now. I panicked and broke up with her because I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment. I feel like I will hurt her later because I am not that experienced and still want to enjoy other women. Don't get me wrong, she was everything that I would need in a girlfriend, but my mind is not ready for a serious relationship with anyone. But I still love her company more than with most of my friends. I don't want to let go of her friendship, but I also don't want to give her false hope by enjoying her company too much. She says that she feels hurt, but she understands where I am coming from and knows that we can only be friends. She has reassured me that I don't need to worry about her in that aspect, but I still do. We like doing a lot of the same things, which makes our time together very enjoyable whether we are intimate or not. Is this wrong? Am I giving her false hope, even though we have reached a mutual understanding about where the friendship stands? Should I believe her when she says that she knows we can never be together? I mean it was only three months, and she's not a little girl. If she can bear this, I would love to still be her friend and kick with her without a relationship/commitment. What to do? Thanks! Hello! When you break up with someone; even if it's only been a short or informal dating relationship, you shouldn't give her false hopes by agreeing to be her "friend". People need some time to heal after these breakups and that takes distance. The person doing the breakup will often offer the friendship in order to help ease the pain, but in fact, this usually just gives false hope that things might turn back into a relationship again. In your case however, she seems mostly fine with the "friends with benefits" arrangement. You seem to be concerned for her well-being and have made it clear that things are not going to go any further. I suggest that you might continue this on a trial basis, but keep your eyes open for signs that she's not handling things very well. Some of the things to look for include:
Here's the bottom line: as you both continue in this "relationship" one of you is likely to find someone else you either want to date or start a relationship with. As soon as that happens, it's likely going to put a hitch in the current plans. When that happens, you're going to wind up in another breakup where all the drama starts over again. Frankly, this is a scenario that can play out over and over again and will eventually hurt someone - likely her, but maybe you! This would be the time to fully end the relationship and move on for everyone's benefit. Best regards... Hello, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 11 months. Just the other day he tells me that he thinks we should just remain friends and nothing more. Two days later he called me and we talked about our relationship and he told me that I do make him happy and he enjoys our time together, but that he doesn't ever want to get married and he thought it was better to let me go now then waste my time and hurt me more later. I replied that I don't think in absolutes and avoid words like “always” and “never”. I further explained that marriage isn't something I want now, but can't say I wouldn't want later in life. I think you spend your life looking for people who compliment and enhance your life and he does that for me, and from what he's said I do that for him. I know that and agree with your statements that there are tons of men out there who would marry me now or in 2 years from now, but I can't say they would make me as happy or share the qualities that my current boyfriend does. I have wanted to tell him that I love him and haven't because I think there is that small part of me that feels he might not say yes. Then what do I do, stay with someone even though they don't feel the same way? Will he ever feel that way even if he doesn't now despite saying that he cares about me very much? Is there the possibility that one day he might change his mind and want to be married? Will he want to be married to me? I know life if one big game of chance-- I'm confused on whether to stay knowing that if at some point I want to get married and he doesn't that our relationship will end and I'll still be hurt...... or do I walk away now? I appreciate any advice or words of enlightenment you can give me. Hello! Man! There are a lot of questions there! Unfortunately, most of them would mean that I'd have to either read his mind or see into the future, and I don't do either of these. I'm good, but not THAT good! Your boyfriend seems to have hinged everything on whether or not he's going to get married. That's a pretty poor excuse in my opinion, and it reminds me of a story: One day a farmer walks over to his neighbor's farm and asks to borrow some rope. The neighbor says, "Sorry, I can't lend it to you, I need it to tie up my milk." The farmer thinks about this for a moment and says, "Wait, you don't need rope to tie up milk!" to which the neighbor says, "Well, you're right, but when a man doesn't want to do something, one excuse is as good as another." This seems to be the story with your boyfriend. The "getting married" thing seems only like an excuse for the fact that he wants something else in his life, (I don't know what that is by the way). You need to pin him down on this and not accept that as an answer. If he tells you being married isn't his goal, just tell him that it's not yours either! What you want (or what you SHOULD want) is a great relationship with someone you love and respect. The format isn't important. If he then gives you other excuses, go back to the farmer story above and realize it’s time to move on. When a man doesn't want to do a thing, any excuse is as good as any other! Best regards... Doctor: I am what I thought was the best-possible relationship but now wonder what happened. I have been with this man for 1 1/2 years. He has been separated from the mother of his two children (never married to her) now for 2 years, yet she continues to be very present in our relationship. They talk all the time, which he explains is to discuss things about the kids such as his visitation, misbehaving at school, poor attitudes, etc. She calls him all the time; sometimes with nice messages, other times just outright crude and hateful. The past week has been hell. She is now calling me or she has the children call to tell me he does not love me, she calls me a bitch and so on. He doesn’t acknowledge any of this. I will say I know her well and she is capable of lying to get what she wants. She even sat outside of my house the other night until he came home and they talked. He feels guilty because she had the children with her, which she uses every chance she gets. His visitation with them only happens when she says rather than as stated in the court order. He tells me she wants him to come back and also said he needed time to think yet he also says he does not want to go back to that life. The last several years of their relationship was nasty – she threw him out every three months or so, then would let him come back but he slept on the couch. They didn’t even have sex! He keeps telling me everything will be ok but he has to deal with her in his own way. All of this is causing me to feel very unsure of the relationship. What is there to think about? Am I in love with a man who no longer loves me? Where do I go from here? Hello! Frankly, it seems that the answers are already in your head. The real question is this: do you really want to live this way? Do you think that love will survive this for much longer? Personally, I don't. You have a right to not have your relationship influenced by an outside party - even if that party is the mother of his kids. However, he has to take responsibility for that right just as you do. Unless he's willing to do this, there isn't much you can do. The first step is to sit down and decide for yourself what you really want and need here. Try to imagine what relationships between you and your boyfriend, your boyfriend and his ex, her and you and the kids, etc. are involved and how the best scenario would play out. When you get that image firmly in your mind, you're ready for the next step. Now, have a talk with him. Explain how his relationship with this woman is destroying the one he has with you. Tell him that you aren't going to live like this any more (you're not, right? After all, what's going to be left once the other woman destroys this?) Tell him that he has responsibilities to you and your relationship just as he does to his kids and this woman. Try to work with him to craft a plan where he can have enough contact to see his kids, but that he avoids her the best he can. Don't simply give him an ultimatum; work with him to develop this plan. That way he's directly involved with it and will take "ownership" of it. Likewise, I suggest you come up with a plan when variations occur as they ultimately will. For instance, he may have to go see her when he picks up the kids, or they may have "family gatherings" together, etc. I suggest that you should always be invited to these - and that you go even if it's uncomfortable. If you and he aren't able to make all of this work, you may need to cut your losses and move on, but at least give this plan a try first. Best regards... Hi Dr. Neder! Whenever I might meet a woman and things look good, like we're talking pleasantly, (and this is right at the first or second meeting) all of a sudden I start to feel "self-conscious". I can explain exactly what I mean by this: it is the exact same feeling I imagine I would have had if, when I was about 13 and masturbating in my room late at night, and someone would have peeked through my curtains and seen me. I become utterly wrapped up (in my thinking) that this casual encounter, with it's casual talk is OBVIOUSLY sexual, and also it's OBVIOUSLY sexual to any casual bystander, whether that might be someone near us who is shopping in the same store, or whoever. This has grown now to the point where I cannot relax and continue the conversation in a casual manner. I might think in my head, "Oh, I should just say to her right now, 'Hey, you wanna go screw?'" I’m not at all relaxed, and I get all pent up with anxiety. Help! Hello! This probably isn't as tough a problem as you think it is. What's actually going on is that you've been spending time (probably years) actually practicing and reinforcing this behavior. It probably started by happening once or twice, then you started getting fretful about it (believing it was coming on again) and added additional weight and emotion to it which gave it more importance. Thus, your mind continues to bring it forward every time. Actually, the solution isn't really that tough. There are just a few things you need to practice to get over all of this. If you're consistent, this will not only go away, but will actually enhance your skills with women! Here are the steps: 1) Relax! Don't make this problem any bigger than it really is. It probably seems huge right now, but it's not. You're going to get it solved once and for all, so don't give it any more worth in your mind than it's really due (which is almost nothing) 2) Start to believe that you're going to get over it. See yourself (in your mind) as having complete confidence with women and being completely calm and relaxed while you're talking to them. That thing that used to happen is now a distant memory. 3) When you feel like this feeling is starting to come on, "reframe" that energy into something else. Simply redirect it into being excited to actually score with this woman instead of feeling embarrassed. You'll need to practice this in your mind over and over again. Try to sit in a comfortable, quiet place and just walk through it in your mind. Imagine looking at the woman through your own eyes, talking with her, having her laugh at your jokes, etc. Then, imagine that feeling of self-consciousness coming on. Really try to experience it just as you would when talking to a woman. Then, at the instant that you get the feeling, turn it around into powerful confidence! Imagine smiling at her slightly like you know you're going to score and even saying to her "Wow - it's so obvious that you're turned on by me!" These are powerful images and you're effectively reframing one bad practice into a new one! Do this over and over again until it seems like second nature. You really need to practice this. For much more on reframing check out my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" - it goes into this and many other concepts about power and confidence in great detail. 4) Since this usually happens after you've talked to a woman for a while, you might be able to use some negative reinforcement. Here's how this works: carry a rubber band around with you at all times. Never allow yourself to be without it in your pocket. When you're talking to a woman (or in fact, at any time you have these thoughts), excuse yourself and hit the bathroom. Take that rubber band out of your pocket and for just an instant, relive the negative thought. The instant you feel it, stretch the rubber band between your thumb and first finger, place this against your front thigh, pull it back and give yourself a painful pop with it! This is the punishment phase of the exercise. Next, reframe that thought into something more powerful and confident. Actually imagine going back to this woman with a new attitude and talking to her without this burden. Then, while you're living that good, positive feeling, rub the pain out of your leg. This is the positive reinforcement phase of the exercise. 5) Finally, if you find that any of this isn't working for you, you might be mildly obsessed with this negative image and might need to visit a therapist (psychologist or hypnotherapist) in order to get help with this reframe. If so, and you're in the Los Angeles area, let me know and I'll refer you to someone I trust. These tools will really work for you if you practice them consistently. You don't have to live like this anymore - go get it solved! Best regards... Finding Out What Your
"Type" Is Hello! I read your article on the web ("Getting Women to Approach You"). So here’s a question: I met this girl a few months ago and we have started going out. She is very pretty and can have anyone she wants. I on the other hand go right past all that and treat her like a person with ALL the flaws anyone else has, (right down to noticing a pimple), instead of complimenting her. She is obviously not used to this kind of treatment which is more lighthearted and fun, not clingy or desperate and it attracted her big time. We've been on a couple of superficial dates now and I want to get to know her more. The funny thing part is, she just doesn’t turn me on! Amazing, huh? For some reason she seems hesitant of me getting to know her. We know very little about each other and I want to take it further. Frankly if something doesn't happen soon, I am going to have to let her go. My feeling is she has some sort of trust issue EVEN though she has other male friends she hangs out with. So, what do you think? Is this a problem with trust, or maybe just straight up fear of letting her real self come out? Hello! First of all, it sounds like you've done a good job with her - congratulations so far. However, this has nothing to do with "trust" at all. It has everything to do with "type". So, she's a beauty, but you just don't find that you're attracted to her. The first question is: why not? Here's the most likely reason: she's not your "type". One of the biggest mistakes that guys make is to assume that any beautiful woman is their "type" when in fact, most of them are not! You're finding this out right now. While she's nice to look at, she doesn't otherwise have what you need to be interested in her. Now the questions become: 1) is she really the person you are looking for, and 2) if not, can you turn her into that person? Of course, before you answer this question, you have to answer another: what exactly DO you want in a woman? My brother, you need to have clear, written relationship goals, just like you have goals for other areas of your life. If you don't know what you want, the very first woman that walks by is the right one! However, looking for beautiful women isn't enough. We guys tend focus very heavily on looks. Sure, you want someone that you're visually attracted to, but once you get over the way a woman looks, what then? Is she interesting to talk to? Are you proud of her and what she believes? Can you respect the things she does and her accomplishments - even if you don't agree with them? Does she want the same things you want out of life and relationships? It's unfortunate but most truly beautiful women seem to have ignored their own intelligence and "well-roundedness". They have focused most of their attention on those looks because it has earned them the most attention. For example, how many "8's", "9's" and "10's" do you think have actually read through a newspaper in the past 5 years? Frankly, very, very few of them! In my newest book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" I deal with this very situation - how to know if a woman is your "type". In fact, I created a "Rating Instrument" that will help clear this up. What's even better is that the Rating Instrument is available for download from my website for free! This tool will help you look at this (or any women) in 10 different areas with looks being only one of them! I suggest you go to the website and scroll down
a page or so (beingaman.com
Best regards... Hello, Dr. Neder: I’ve had a boyfriend for just over 1 year. For approximately the first 10 months of our relationship, he was seeing another girl as friends. I wanted to believe him but had doubts because he didn't tell me he was often with her and spent a lot of time with her. I was never invited into their friendship. I asked to be included, but was met with evasive answers and just no at times. After a while, I insisted that either he include me (I had met the girl one time in the first 6 months for 10 minutes, then my boyfriend decided to leave). I still haven't ever talked with the gal. Now, he says that he does not see her. That may be so. I'm not sure. Now, I feel that I am in a relationship that has no commitment. I want to get married some day to the right guy, or at least to a guy that wants a long-time life long relationship and friendship. I can see that my guy has commitment issues with me. I don't want to waste my life. I'm 41, I've been with boyfriends for up to 3 years and then the relationships have dissolved. I feel that I've done things the wrong way. My boyfriend is a good guy. I think he doesn't want to commit; wants freedom, and probably wants to see other gals, at least as pals. Maybe more, I'm not sure. I know that he did lie to me last summer about a gal he spent a weekend with. After he got home, he told the truth. He said that he didn't want to lie to me; he did it because I got so upset about the other girl. He and I talked today. I suggested that we should both think about if we really want to have commitment. He knows that I do. He's not sure. What should I do? I just don't want to waste years of my life hanging around with him and maybe not meeting someone who wants to settle down. Thank you so much! Hello! "Wasted your life"???? You've had a number of good - to very good - relationships, and simply because you aren't married, you've "wasted your life"? I think that's INCREDIBLY short sighted! Look, if you want to get married, why don't you just go out next weekend and talk to every guy you see and ask them to marry you? You seem like a nice person, and I'm sure you can find a guy that would agree. Then, you can get married and be happy, right? Then, you life wouldn't be a "waste", right? Don't be ridiculous. Being married isn't when your life begins. In fact, marriage shouldn't be your goal anyway! It should be to find a great guy and build a solid, loving, caring relationship in whatever format fits the situation. Putting too much focus on being married, and not enough on the quality of the relationship itself will get you exactly what you've gotten so far - a boyfriend that is evasive, non-committal, etc. Now, with that as an introduction, let's get to your question. Women see marriage very differently from us guys. For women, marriage means family, status, relationship success (not really, but that's how many women see it), security, future, etc. Men on the other hand see marriage as pressure, responsibility, loss of freedom, loss of choice, etc. When you compare these views of marriage, it's not difficult to see why men won't often "commit" to marriage! However, many men do agree to get married. So, what's the difference? Simple: men can choose this relationship format when they are with a woman that meets everything they want in a partner. What is that? Frankly, I don't know as it's different for every man. Your job should be to find out exactly what your guy needs in order to make that commitment, then, simple BE that woman! Many women will hear that and say, "Well, I want him to love me for ME!" In other words, they don't want to change, grow or give anything to the man in order for him to want to give up his freedom for her. That's short-sighted thinking, and will lead to being unmarried for the rest of her life. I suggest you get started on discovering exactly what your man wants/needs in order to be willing to make this commitment to you, and then, become this woman. Best regards... Dear Sir, I have a huge problem with my girlfriend. I really like her, but I don't feel love. I am afraid that, at age 25 I will never be in love again unless I brake up with her. I don't enjoy sex with her - I'm always thinking that, "Oh, God I have to have sex with her tonight!" I feel sexual desire towards other women, but not with her. We have sex once a week. Further, she doesn't shave, and I just can't seem to get myself to talk to her about it. The other issue is concerning partying. I don't like going out with her to parties. I enjoy the evening with my friends, but when she is with me I feel stressed, and I can't be myself. This is terrible. And we (or rather I) don't talk about it. I need some help! Thank you and best regards Let's see here: you don't enjoy sex with her, you're afraid to talk to her about things you want (like her shaving), you don't like to be seen with her at parties - what the hell are you doing with her in the first place??? Many times, we want something new in our lives, but we're afraid of losing something we currently have; "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" as the saying goes. Let me tell you a little secret of life and love: the "Law of Vacuum". There are many "natural laws" in the universe. Gravity is one of them. You can stand on a roof and proclaim that you don't believe in gravity; but, as soon as you step off, you're going to get a healthy dose of it! Like gravity, the sun will rise tomorrow, you're going to get another paper-cut someday, and someone will release another gawd-awful Robin Williams movie - all whether you like it or not. One more of these "Immutable Laws of the Universe" is the "Law of Vacuum" which states, "Nature abhors a vacuum; and, if possible, will fill it." What does this mean? It means that nature has a way of filling its voids. Whenever nature detects a vacuum, it attempts to fill it with something. However, if no vacuum exists, no filling is needed and therefore nature goes off to perform some other task like cleaning out a trailor-park with a tornado. Take a look at your closet. Do you have clothes you haven't worn for over a year? Get rid of them! Give them away to charity or simply toss them. What about your garage? Is it full of things you don't need? Dump them! How about your personal growth? Does it look more like a 3-day old beard? You're probably filling it with television, rather than making it open and available to be filled with other, more worthwhile things. In short, get rid of the dead wood! At first, this seems extreme, but instead you're just making use of nature's law of vacuum. You closet will be magically filled with new clothes once the old things are gone, your garage will not stay empty long, and your personal growth will start again once the TV is off. Do you doubt this? Then, I ask you to think of the last time you cleaned house - where you threw everything away. Is your house barren today? I doubt it. You probably have more things now than you did before the house cleaning! This is the Law of Vacuum at work. So, what about your girlfriend? Let's face it, you probably want someone you can enjoy sex with, take to parties, etc., Why not just set her free? Don't worry about love. Once you make room for it, and focus on it as a goal, nature will go about filling that void for you. If you need some help on breaking up, check this link to a recent article I wrote that may help: www.remingtonpublications.com/breaking_up.htm. Once you create a vacuum, you then have to make use of another of nature's immutable laws: the "Law of Asking". Here's how this works: "Ask and Thou Shalt Receive" (I think I read that in a book somewhere). What that book didn't say is, (but was implied) is "Ask intelligently!" That is, you need a clear and concise picture in your mind of what you want before you try to go after it. As I discuss in my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", you've got to get an absolute picture of what your life will be like when you've found the girl of your dreams. You need to describe who she is in every detail. Be specific and spend some time here. You don't want to use the Law of Asking to fill your love-void with someone like the girl you have now - that would be unpleasant! You might want to pick up a copy of the book and commit it to memory. It will lead you right through the process of creating your "love plan", and putting that plan into action. Go forth, my brother - make use of nature's immutable laws to fill your life with the love you need, and let me know how things turn out. Good luck, much love... Doc: Hi. I’d like to hear your thoughts on the subject of interracial dating. I’m a young black male that has always dated women of my own race. Partly out of personal growth in my attitudes, as well as an admitted curiosity, I’ve recently been noticing, and have a great attraction for white women. I’ve never approached, nor dated a girl from another race before, and I was wondering if you could tell me if there is anything I should say or do differently to approach them. I’m about to go into uncharted territory, and I guess I have a little fear of the unknown. Unfortunately, we don’t exactly live in a society that’s very open minded. If I’m successful in dating a woman that happens to be white, I’m willing to put up with all of the stares and snide comments, just as long as we are happy, and deal with the challenges it brings together. Any help or advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much in advance. Hello! I encourage you fully to explore women of all nationalities and races! When you find someone that is attractive to you, what does it really matter what race they are? Ok, that's rather simplistic, but in fact, it's accurate - as we shall see in a moment. There are certainly those that won't agree with me and it doesn't matter what part of the world they live in. Some people have a problem with dating outside their own race. Of course, most often that problem is for OTHERS rather than themselves. If they found someone of another race to be attractive, they would probably make an exception. Even some parents have difficulties with their children dating someone outside of their race, religion, socio-economic class, neighborhood, close family, (kidding), etc. This is due to a mistaken belief that somehow people of similar backgrounds will have a greater chance of success. Interestingly, many studies have shown that it's exactly the differences that often make for a better relationship! Consider this: [oh no! here comes the science] throughout human history, there have been periods where huge numbers of people have been wiped out due to plague, climate changes, environmental disasters, and the like. According to current research in the human genome, scientists have discovered that every person on the planet today has likely come from a core group of just 2,000 individuals producing only about 1,000 unique genetic systems! That means that genetically, you're the exact same as every 1,000th person! Now, if you do the math, with 6.4 billion people on Earth. That would mean that you have 6,400,000 twins! What's even more interesting is that the genetic differences between the races is almost imperceptible. In other words, race is actually a matter a person's perception - not reality. Where your ancestors lived had something to do with how you look, (dark skin, light skin, brown eyes, blue eyes, etc.) but even that changes as genetic individuals "diversify" over time. Today, there really isn't such a thing as a "pure" race of people! As to how to approach white women consider this: how do you approach women in general; not "white" women, but any woman? There will be some women that will be very interested in meeting you as a black man, and there will be some women that won't be - just like black women! Do everything you're doing now and don't bother yourself with race. Concern yourself with the quality of the people you're approaching - that has much greater bearing on your success. Best regards. Is He Jerking Me By
Jerking Off? Doctor: I need some clarification. My husband has masturbated taking a bath when I am ten feet away in bed. This upset me because I was right there and I felt as if he did not desire me or if he picked fantasy with masturbation over have sexual intercourse with his wife. I have been trying for the longest time to get my husband to openly tell me; without me asking, when he masturbates because it turns me on and I want to know his fantasies. It seems as if he has a problem with being intimately open in that manner, but yet he will masturbate in front of me when we are intimate. I am so confused that I am starting to think my husband is addicted to masturbating. I have also asked myself if he has a sexual orientation problem. Before we got married I asked him to stop looking at porn on the internet and he said ok. Well I was on the computer one day and found a few down loaded porn movies. Well, I confronted him by asking him if he had been going to those sites or not and he bluntly lied to my face. Then I told him, come see I have something to show you. Then he blew up. Also, when husband and wife watch a porn movie together and then have sex, is the husband enjoying and thinking of his wife or not? I know it is only natural to find someone attractive, but I think that going to the extent of thinking of them and getting off is wrong and some what cheating in a marriage. Well, I think you know what I mean. Hello! Let's see here, you confront him, complain to him, henpeck him, nag him, spy on him and you're surprised that he is underground about all of this? What in the hell are you thinking???? You have a very severe insecurity issue going on here. Yes, I already know what you're thinking, "But *he* caused it!" No my dear, he didn't cause it - you obviously had it before he met you. This has nothing to do with him - it has everything to do with you. More on this in a moment. Let's deal with the masturbation issue first. Many people (both men and women) sometimes prefer masturbation over sex. Frankly, it's just easier and quicker! 90% of the time, men do most - if not all - of the work during sex. Many women feel it's fine to just lie there and be "done". If a guy's going to have to do all the work anyway, it's often just easier to do one job rather than two - or more. Let's face it; you girls are very complicated when it comes to sex. All of this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or find you sexy. In fact, it has nothing to do with that at all. It's just a matter of convenience. Further, when you're spending your time concentrating on someone else, it's very difficult to work on your own sexuality! That is what private masturbation can be all about - growing one's own sexuality. Now, let's talk about the porn, fantasies, etc. If you've read many of my articles, you're going to learn something very important: men are not monogamous. That's just the way it is. Neither your husband, me, your father, or any other man is monogamous by nature. That's the way we're wired. However, we can CHOOSE to be. This is obviously what your husband has chosen. By looking at pornography and fantasizing away from you, he's not treating you or your relationship with disrespect at all. In fact, he's helping to insure that his promise about being monogamous to you is kept! Porn and fantasy are safe ways for men to explore our polygamous natures while still being faithful to our partners. Stop seeing this as a threat, and start seeing it as the benefit to your marriage that it is! For you to set him up to fail by spying on him, asking him about it and then busting him on it, all you're really doing is telling him that he has to be better at hiding it all! Is that really what you want: for your husband to work even harder hiding it from you, or would you rather have him bring it out in the open and feel comfortable with it - and you? I thought so. Now, back to you: If you think you're going to be able to nag him into only doing sex the way you want, forget it. What you're actually doing is killing off your own sex life with him! Do you think all of this makes you sexier in his eyes? Don't count on it. You're actually pushing him further and further away by introducing all sorts of added stress into your marriage. Here's my suggestion: (warning: this is going to mean that you're going to have to grow up): let up on him completely about the porn and masturbation. In fact, you should even encourage it. Tell him that you've come to your senses about it, and you want your sex life together to be rich and full, and that you realize that anything that helps him with his own sexuality also helps your sex life together. At the same time, I suggest that you feel free to masturbate too. Use this time to grow your own sexuality. Trust me, you need it. Then, when you get together and have sex, make it fun! Take away the pressure and get back to the exploring that you use to have when you first got together. Have lots of great, powerful, playful, fun sex, and feel free to masturbate together if you enjoy that. Find out (again) what he wants in the bedroom, and tell him what you want too - even if it seems "unusual". Frankly, there's nothing "unusual" in sex - it's all been done before. Give him room and freedom to enjoy himself and it will all come back to you in bed. Finally, start working on yourself. You don't need to feel under attack by any of this. It can be a very powerful way to grow your marriage - or you can continue to do what you've been doing all along and work to break it down. The choice is yours. Best regar |
