Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love,
relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer
all letters. Write E-Mail
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
Am I Sabotaging My
The Art of
Being a Coward and Taking It
"Sexual Conversion" Part II
Could These Balls Be Yours, By
Creating A Void To Be
Dating Two (or More) Women
At The Same Time
Dating While Still
Being In a Relationship
Dating With A.D.D.
Fear, As a
Financial Accounting in
Get Over It
Giving a Great
How Do I "Divorce The
How to Keep it "Just
How to Manage The
Costs of Dating
I Cant Get Him To
Woman" - A Recipe for Disaster
Is He Jerking Me By
Is She Just a
Knowledge *IS* Power -
When You Have It!
Learning to Be A
Learning To Be A
Living Together Before
Making the First
My Flaky Girl
Notes on Working Bars and
The Selfish Woman
The Test" and "The
What Do Men Really
Likelihood of Finding Your "Soul
Why are Beautiful Women
Why are Men So ...
Women Better Lovers?
Its Really About
Who is REALLY the Problem
Is She Just a Habit?
You and she are a couple and have been dating for
awhile. You've fallen into a pattern that seems
comfortable and even safe. Sure, you fight once in
a while, but you have fun too.
The only problem is that you're bored and you're
wondering what else you're missing out there.
It's easy to fall into dating someone out of
habit, especially when you consider what you have
to do in order to meet someone new. You have to
meet someone, learn about them, go through all the
courting rituals, handle problems, spend time,
money and emotional energy and rebuild a new
Do you and she have the same goals? Do you both
enjoy the same activities? Are you sexually
compatible? There are a thousand and one
considerations with each new person you meet!
The end of the year is a good time to start
reconsidering your goals and direction. You might
create "New Year's resolutions", but I suggest you
build goals instead. Resolutions tend to be vague.
For instance; "I'm finally going to lose that 30
pounds, and have the hernia fixed." It doesn't
mention when you're going to do these things.
Goals on the other hand are very specific and
have a timeframe for their accomplishment. By
looking at your goals before New Year's day, you're
pro-actively crafting next year to fit your needs,
not simply hoping for something better.
So, how do you decide if she's just a habit?
First, sit down and think about what you want in
your relationship life. What are you looking for
and how will you feel, think, act and be when you
get it? How does that image apply to your current
If it's substantially different, you might very
well be in a habit with her. This may be a good
time to re-evaluate that relationship and consider
breaking out to find a new one. You're going to
have to determine if you have the skills you need
to do this and again, the first of the year is a
great time to begin the work of gaining these
The real key to this however is to have clear,
written goals of what and whom you're looking for
and to craft this into a plan. Be sure to include a
timeframe for this plan too! Otherwise it's simply
a dream and you'll never get started on
My Flaky Girl Problem
I got together with this girl almost two months
ago. She seemed really shy and nervous, but she was
gorgeous. I am really good looking and have a lot
going for myself career wise. We seemed to really
have a good time. Anyway, we've made plans multiple
times; she stood me up once, and cancelled three
other times. We talk on the phone maybe once a week
for minutes at a time.
I spoke to her last Tuesday and got really
annoyed at her, and basically told her she needs to
have fun with her life. She stays at home working
on her business and school and hasn't been out
since. That day I called her three times, and just
unloaded the meaning of life speech on her. I was
confident and carefree in my approach and even told
her, look if you're not interested that's fine. And
she came back saying she was. She called me that
night and thanked me profusely for my speech
telling me I was AMAZING! She said she really
wanted to get to know me, and Friday was worked for
her. I called her Friday and no answer, left a
message and she stood me up.
I know she is interested; otherwise I would have
walked away in a sec. She did say something about
having commitment issues. She has been single for 2
years after a 6 year relationship (She's 26 and I
am 28). I think she is scared. And when it comes
time to meet me she freaks. How do I get through to
her? Does your Blitzkrieg theory apply in this
First of all, the "Blitzkrieg" technique
isn't going to work with this girl until you can
actually get to see her and spend some time with
her. This is where you're making your mistakes - in
setting these dates. Why would you agree to see her
on a Friday and then call to confirm? All that does
is give her a way out - and prove that you don't
have the game she hopes you do.
I can't give you all the details here as they
are many, and I strongly encourage you to read
"Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" for the
whole story, but let me give you some information
on setting dates with flakes:
First, when you're on the phone set the date and
be absolutely clear and firm about it. No "I'll see
you around 8 or so..." or "Let's meet at the
mall..." etc. You have to be absolutely specific
and clear. "I'll meet you at 8:10pm sharp."
Likewise, with a flake, NEVER accept meeting her
anywhere except her own front door. It's far too
easy to "forget" or to claim that you meant "...the
OTHER mall..." etc. She knows exactly where she
lives and there's no confusion about it. In
addition, this gives you the ability to convert
your date into more later (beingaman.com/articleviewer.asp?ID=285
You also need to be much more specific on your
expectations of her. Right now, her actions have no
cost! If she's interested in you (which she appears
to be - when you stand up to her and stop taking
her crap!) she's going to be afraid of losing you
through her bad behavior. If you let her slide on
this, she'll start to see you and your interest in
her as worth exactly what she has to put into it -
You probably don't even call her on any of this!
Instead, you put up with it and make excuses for
her ("Well, she's really busy..." or "She's really
scared.") That's really screwed up. I don't care
how beautiful she is (beingaman.com/articleviewer.asp?ID=388
this type of behavior is unacceptable. Your time
and interest is worth a tremendous amount, and
frankly, there are far too many great, beautiful
women out there to both with this sort of game.
Knowledge *IS* Power -
When You Have It!
I feel like I'm in a nose-dive trying to pull
the nose of the plane up. In reality, I think it
already crashed but I'm denying it.
My girlfriend and I had been together 3 years.
We had our ups and downs and broke up once for a
few weeks. In August of this year, I was going to
propose to her when she told me she had cheated on
me the night before. She told me I didn't deserve
it, but that she was going to again that night. I
broke up with her. Her fling last a few weeks.
We were at odds from August through October. I
should also tell you that we are both under
contract to sing with the with the city opera
company through February, so we are working with
each other almost every night. A few weeks ago, at
a pre-determined time we got together to
re-evaluate. I've been in love with her the whole
time. We mutually decided to work, slowly and
steadily, towards getting back together.
That was great for about 9 days when she
suddenly cooled, said she felt trapped after
talking about it with her counselor and wanted to
only have contact at rehearsal. 2 days later she
says she still loves me, but that one of the
soloists from out of town asked her out. She
accepted. I went out with my friends after
rehearsal, and when I went home (we live next door
to each other) I saw his car outside her front door
--at 2:30am. The front window was open so I looked
in to see her naked on top of him give him a bj! I
knocked on the door until she came out and
confronted her, she was defensive and told me to
leave or she'd call the police.
We're not together, obviously, and I am trying
to move on. But how the hell can I do it having to
see her each night--now with him? I run into her,
and him, and rehearsals each night, and then go
home and it's the same. I feel trapped and
surrounded. And at the same time she still says she
loves me. She's acting like a whore and doing it
front of the rest of the opera company, some of
which ask me about it. The production we're doing
right now is Pagliacci--if you're not familiar with
it it's kind of the same story as what I just
wrote. The guy she hooked up with is the character
in the opera that splits up the other two....I'm
living it and having to watch it. Last night I
almost didn't think I was going to make it through
What are your thoughts? What can I do to help
How ironic. Actually, I'm a big opera fan from
years back and Pagliacci is one of my
There have been a number of mistakes made here
on your part, starting with the intent to propose.
It's pretty obvious that she didn't see things the
same way and in my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World II" I talk about how to know when to propose
- and when not too. This was an obvious case of
when not too.
Likewise, as soon as she flat-out told you her
plan to sleep with someone else (and of course that
it had already happened without your knowledge),
you should have dumped her sorry ass right then,
right there. Frankly, much of your pain now is
simply because you haven't taken the initiative to
do what you need to do in the first place. You even
feel humiliation at being mistreated by her
(perhaps rightfully so), only to try to hang on
rather than making her own up to her
responsibilities to you as her partner. You even
went so far as to give her freedom to do whatever
the hell she damn well pleases to do!
So, with that, let's talk about the recovery
First off, I hope to hell that you're not ever
planning on taking this self-centered, using,
cheating bitch back! If you are, you can just
reading stop right here. There's nothing more I can
do for you.
On the other hand, your healing will come from
taking back control of your life and deciding that
you will never give it up again to a woman. Putting
that much faith in a woman seems like a romantic
idea and in fact, so much of our popular culture
and media depict this very act! How cute. The
problem with it is that women are by far better at
these things than men are. They spend their entire
lives studying relationships and all their nuances.
It seems chivalras to give them these freedoms
until they use them against us as did your ex.
What I suggest you do is to first sit down and
work through your relationship goals. Take that
control back by crafting your future and how your
relationships are going to work from now on. Decide
exactly what you want, and in doing so, why this
woman isn't worthy of your consideration. That will
feel very good!
Then, set about crafting a plan to begin
building those relationships! Don't worry or even
consider her in any way. She's creating her own
hell; you just don't have to be a part of it any
longer. Get to work on all of this right now. If
you need some help here, I strongly urge you to
consult my books, as they will lead you right
through the process.
This is a case where knowledge really IS
How Do I "Divorce The Ex"?
I live in New Jersey and got engaged 7 months
ago. My fiancé lives in Colorado and his
ex-wife lives in Las Vegas with his 6 year old
daughter. My fiancé divorced his ex-wife 5
years ago due to her infidelity. I am having a real
hard time accepting his ex-wife coming over to his
home in Colorado to bring his daughter. It's ok to
bring his daughter but his ex-wife should sleep
over in a hotel not his home. He assures me it's
only a friendship but he is has his ex to stay at
his home because of his daughter.
It really bothers me since last summer his ex
asked him if they can work things out since they
have a child together. Of course he told her
no. I even asked if theyve been
intimate since the divorce, and he says that they
have not. She knows we are engaged but he has not
told her about our wedding date next February
Next Saturday I will go to visit my
fiancée for 5 days and will meet his ex and
his daughter who arrive on Tuesday. I have to come
back to Jersey on Thanksgiving morning to have
dinner with my son (17 years old).
I can not understand why his ex- has to stay for
Thanksgiving at my fiancé's home. I really
don't know how I am going to deal with this. My
fiancé's neighbor told me it was odd the
first time she saw his ex-wife back at home but
after meeting her, she saw only a friendship
between them. It is extremely difficult to have a
long distance relationship and this issue doesn't
I feel that my fiancé is not being
respectful of my feelings. He insisted I will
change my opinion as soon as I meet his ex. He did
say, Please do no became her friend because
his ex-wife is a liar and a manipulator
and that I should keep my distance from her. I keep
telling him, how can I keep my distance while she
will stay in the same home?
Have you ever heard anything like this before? I
know my fiancé loves me and I love him too
but it is very awkward situation.
In fact, I've heard this rather often. This is
the problem with people in divorces, with kids, and
long-distance relationships - of which you have
Your fiancé has every right to maintain a
relationship with his daughter. Since she's so
young, it doesn't make sense to put her on a plane
by herself and it obviously doesn't make sense for
him to fly to pick her up and then fly to return
her. Having mom come out with her is the logical
answer, (other than him flying to see them, of
course) and frankly, I'm pleasantly surprised that
she is willing to do this! That's a good mom for
whatever her reasons, as she's insuring that her
daughter and her daughter's father keep their
As to your situation, the real problem here is
the distance. Since you're getting married in
February, my question is where are you both going
to live? This is a temporary separation, and if
you're so concerned about it, why don't you move in
together - or at least move close to each other.
That way you'd instantly relieve the problem of the
long-distance issue. Most of your mistrust of the
situation is from the distance. When she's there,
you obviously have no way of knowing what's going
on, so instead, you make up all sorts of scenarios
in your mind.
Frankly, you have no reason to mistrust him or
the situation here. It sounds like everyone is
giving you every reason to believe that he's
telling you the truth. He's even committed to marry
you! You're going to meet her and the daughter in a
few weeks as well, and it sounds like that is going
to help to put your mind at ease.
I suggest you relax and see what is really going
on when you're there. Don't create problems that
don't already exist. Instead, deal with real
problems, as these will always be there.
Dear Dr. Neder:
I began a relationship with a married man on the
internet over 2 1/2 years ago. I appreciated his
ideas of family and relationships. He told me his
marriage was over and subsequently we had a meeting
face to face within three months. The first time he
made love to me he told me he loved me and I said I
love you to him. I love him very much, after four
days we left California where I resided and I moved
to New York where he resides to live with him.
We are very close, he knows me like no other man
has ever known me. I love him very much, the
infatuation has worn off and now it is a real
relationship. He asked me to marry him and I took
him seriously but now I see it is never going to
happen. I am devastated by it. He is still married
and has done nothing to obtain a divorce, even
though he says he wants one, he has many excuses;
financial obligation, mortgage, insurance,
groceries, all utility bills, cable, gasoline
medical and dental bills, the list is endless, so
he would pay less if he were divorced but he says
his wife won't take care of the bills so he has to
Okay I understand but why not get a divorce and
continue to do what he is doing? He has contacted
an attorney friend to prepare documents, but he has
not filed for divorce with the paperwork he has
I have cried, pleaded, begged, argued, and my
efforts are useless. I am beginning to realize it
isn't that he doesn't want a divorce; he doesn't
want to marry me.
I cannot express to you the heartache I feel
over all of this I don't know what to do, my only
option is one day to just leave but at this time I
cannot bring myself to do this, Im not a perfect
woman but I want to be able to prevent this kind of
heartache in the future.
What is wrong with me? I do everything for him,
I take care of him, help him in his office, make
his breakfast and dinner every day during the week,
if he comes home late I make dinner at 10:00pm at
night, I take care of his children on the weekends
while he and his wife work at separate places of
course, but I feel she works on the weekend to get
away from her children while I am there all day
Saturday to care for them. He has seven children
four at home, ages 7-15years, the youngest is
Autistic and he is difficult to care for but I do
it. I have recently told him I can no longer
baby-sit on the weekend because I have to get out
and get a life, I have been here for 2 1/2 years
and I don't have any friends which is not typical
behavior for me, part of the reason is I am tied
down every weekend by his children and because I am
so ashamed of my lifestyle I don't want anyone to
know that I am a mistress, even though he insists I
am not I know what I am.
In any event, when I told him I could not longer
baby-sit on the weekend he told me we would have to
break up. I felt my world crashing in and I have
come to the reality that he has no intention of
marrying me. At first I was angry with him, now I
have accepted it knowing the truth I have no
intention of harassing him anymore to get a
I have an eleven year old son, who is very
unhappy that we are in this position.
Please tell me what you think.
I think you've created one hell of a mess for
As I began to read your letter, I started to
think you were putting your emphasis in the wrong
place - being married. As I constantly tell people,
there aren't too many divorces, there are too many
marriages! In fact, women often push for marriage
even if the relationship isn't perfect - or isn't
even good for that matter. Then, they wind up
married and unhappy and lives start getting damaged
all over the place; the man's, the woman's, kids,
families, etc. In fact, what is important isn't the
"format" of the relationship at all - it's the
As I finished reading your letter, I began to
realize the problem here is simply you. You threw
away the life you had in California for some dream
without any background for it. You moved after 4
days? Doesn't your son and your own life deserve
better consideration than that? It obviously didn't
when you made the decision.
Now, you're available for sex and companionship,
to cook and clean for him, and you're his kid's
nanny. Let me guess - you also don't work. He
supports you and pays your bills too. That's a
pretty good deal for this guy (and his wife, by the
way!) But you're not happy with it now. I don't
blame him for threatening to break up with you if
you don't stay status quo. He's got everything he
wants! Why would he want to lose that?
The real question is this: what do you want? Do
you want to be a person that is owned by this guy,
or do you want to finally have a life? You made
this decision once before and you choose poorly. I
suggest you make the decision again and choose
wisely this time. You have a choice, but it's not
about what he does or doesn't do at all. It's about
First dates sometimes offer a range of emotion from
thrilling to terrifying!
Here are some tips that will help things go
- Be on time! Timeliness is expected, but
being late (or too early) makes a bad
impression. If you can't help being a little
late, call before the expected arrival
- (for men) Do a "personal check" before the
date - are your fingernails clean, hair neat,
clothes ironed, shoes polished, and any odors
under control (including breath)? Women look at
these things and are aware if they aren't in
check. You should be too!
- (for women) Don't overdo the make-up or
perfume! In most cases, a little goes a long
- Don't go to the movies, the theatre, or a
concert on your first date - you want to be able
to talk and get to know this person.
- Don't "pull out all the stops" - keep it
simple. The first date is more of an interview
than an event.
- (for men) Listen! Don't spend all your time
talking about things you already know. Your goal
here is to find out about your date.
- Have something to talk about - read a
newspaper or magazine of general interest. Try
to find common things you both share.
- Keep an open mind and don't argue. You don't
have to agree with everything your date says,
but where you differ, offer an alternative idea
rather than discounting it, and if you don't
know something ask!
- Remind yourself that your not nervous,
you're just excited. Calm confidence is very
- Have fun! That's the idea of the first
How to Manage The
Costs of Dating
I am really interested in paying protocols and
dating. I went on two dates this past weekend and I
spent nearly half my paycheck. I'm not kidding! The
cost of living where I am is EXPENSIVE. I'm not
looking for high maintenance women, but I also
don't want to be cheap.
Help me out here.
Hello "Big Spender"!
This is the most insidious part of dating! Women
complain all the time about the "wage gap", but
never consider that men pay 92% of all dating
costs! You're also quite correct - if you don't pay
for the date, you're going to look cheap. For this
same reason, you don't want to use coupons or 1/2
off deals, etc. This is definitely grounds for
denying a second (or third, forth, etc.) date! So,
what do you do?
In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I
talk about this specific issue (and tons more!) and
recommend that you pick up a copy of it. Consider
what you're going out with a woman for in the first
place - you're trying to get to know her. You're
trying to see if this is a woman you want to get to
know better. Thus, taking her to an expensive
restaurant and a concert negates the effect you're
trying to achieve. It also sends the wrong message.
For example, if you drop $100 on a single date,
what are you going to do the next time? Drop $200,
then $300, etc.?
You want your dates (especially the first few)
to be casual. Don't bring flowers or candy, in
fact, I recommend that you give her no gifts until
you've been naked together! And then, perhaps a
card might be nice. There actually are many
inexpensive dating ideas; here are just a few of
- "Quarter" Date - cost: $10 - Buy a roll of
quarters and spend the day trying to spend them
- Exacta Date - cost: $30 - Go to the local
track (free or inexpensive entrance), get a
couple of hot dogs and sodas ($10), pick up a
betting paper ($2) and bet on 9 $2 exactas
($18). If you win, go spend it on
- Sitcom Date - Cost: $0 - If you're in an
area where the shoot TV programs (like LA,
Canada, etc.) you can get tickets to the taping
of a show.
- Picnic Date - Cost: $20 - Pick up a bunch of
snacks (cheese, crackers, cookies, etc.) and a
bottle of wine. Find a nice quiet beach or
- City Tour - Cost: some gas - get a map of
your local cities and find some places you've
never been. Then - go visit them.
Frankly, there are a ton more. Being creative
helps enormously. Keep in mind that you're trying
to accomplish two things: 1) Have some "face time"
with the girl - just to get to know her; and 2)
keep your costs down. You can do all of this just
over coffee (about $5!)
Although you're going to have to pay for your
dates with these girls, as you get to know them,
they should return something back to you. If
everything is one-way - find someone else! That
doesn't mean that they have to match you dollar for
dollar, but you should be getting some benefit from
dating them. For example, having a meal cooked for
you once in a while is great. You can also have
them help you pick out your wardrobe - women are
really good at this, AND will help you look better
in OTHER women's eyes! They can help you decorate
your place, etc.
Some of my female readers get this wrong. I've
had a number of them write, "Of course he should
pay for things - he's getting ME!" Wrong! She's
getting HIM too! If you meet someone that thinks
like this - dump her and move on. Any woman with
this attitude isn't worth your time - let some
other poor sucker pick up that check.
Bottom line, any relationship you set up should
deliver you as much benefit to you as it gives
Good luck, much love...
Hello Dr. Neder,
I have been reading some of your online advice
and enjoy your practical and no-nonsense approach.
I am hoping you can help me out with a problem I
I am a 40 year old woman, with wonderful and
supportive family and friends, my own successful
business, as well as many varied hobbies and
interests. I am blessed with a rich and rewarding
Now I am at a wonderful point in my life. I have
more than many dare dream of, except someone to
share it with. I don't lack for interested men but
it always turns out the same. Things start off well
and then after two to three months, they back off
and just want to be friends. I am on friendly terms
with almost all my former boyfriends. A couple of
them are among my closest friends. What is
frustrating to me is the fact that I was able to
maintain several long term relationships over the
years that I was struggling with my self esteem
issues but am unable to even get one off the ground
since I have resolved them.
With every break-up I have been told over and
over that I am wonderful person, I haven't done
anything wrong, and they think the world of me. I
don't know if they are trying not to hurt my
feelings but common sense says that if you
repeatedly have the same outcome from different
scenarios... look for the common denominator. In
this case, that would be me.
Recently, I had a rather candid conversation
with a friend (who is also an ex) and what he had
to say was that I am perfect. He said
that between my personality, intelligence,
emotional and financial stability, humor, looks,
and sexuality, he thought he had hit the dating
jackpot. On paper, I was everything he could dream
of in a woman but ultimately it was what broke us
After several months he began to feel that I
didn't need him. He felt that I had it so
"together" that there really wasn't anything he
could add to my life. This wasn't true from my
perspective. There was a lot that he added to my
life and I did my best to let him know how wanted
and appreciated he was. He said that I was too good
at everything and while on one hand he really
admired that, on the other hand, in spite of being
very feminine, it made me seem more like "one of
the guys" than a girlfriend.
It's a little hard for me to grasp. I am
attentive and affectionate. I have no problem
expressing my appreciation of my partners both
physically and verbally. Still, I don't seem to be
getting the message through to them or perhaps I am
misunderstanding what message they are hoping for.
Clearly, there is something I am just not
If you have some advice on how I can resolve
this problem, I would greatly appreciate it.
Obviously, I don't know you or your situation.
However, I've got a very good feeling about the
problem here as I see it quite often. It's
something I've written about extensively in my new
book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" - the
"Independent Woman" syndrome. Let me explain.
Today, women are getting a barrage of messages
from every form of media regarding the value and
quality of women; and indeed, women are very
important, capable and of value. This in itself
isn't a bad thing, except for the fact that it's
been taken to the extreme. Today, women are
supposed to be "independent". In addition to this,
men are actually viewed today as superfluous and
unnecessary or even evil!
There are so many examples of this in every
aspect of our lives today and results aren't good.
Take a look at TV for instance. Men are constantly
portrayed as bumblers, fools, dolts, incompetents,
second-players, the butt of jokes, abusers,
cheaters, homosexuals, etc., while women are shows
as strong, achieving, primary characters. Let me
ask you this: if a 30-second commercial can sell
you a product with repeated viewing, what can
repeated viewing, listening, reading of a 30- or
60-minute lifestyle do?
You can imagine that few men either: 1) want to
be viewed this way, or 2) really are this way.
However, this, (and many, many other examples I
won't get into) have lead to the "Independent
Woman" syndrome. This is where women tell
themselves - and everyone around them, that they
don't "need" men. In fact, women DO need men - just
like men need women. The result has not been good
for American women. In fact, there is a huge
movement by men to actually boycott American women
for just this reason!
I constantly warn my students away from
Independent women for this and many other
Despite what the media would have you believe,
here are the facts. Men and women:
- Need each other.
- BOTH are important to a successful society
and neither is superfluous.
- BOTH have something of importance to
- Are different and bring different things to
- Don't compete with each other, but
compliment each other in their own sexual
Keep in mind that men are being fed these images
as well in a steady stream. That's why men THINK
they want an Independent woman, only to later
realize (like about 2-3 months later?) that they
aren't happy when they find them.
So, you may be asking, "What's the alternative?"
It's a little thing I call the "Inter-dependent
This is where both parties realize that the
other has special, unique qualities that they bring
to the relationship and they spend their time
glorifying those qualities - not trying to be more
of what the other person is. They believe and even
state that they have needs in their lives and that
they are thrilled to have found someone that helps
to fill those needs. They revel in their partner's
capabilities while still being proud of their own.
They focus on their strengths while accepting their
weaknesses because that's where they bond between
them is formed; in effect, by having those
weaknesses filled by another, equally-worthwhile
Compare your own recent relationships to this
example. I'll bet you'll find that this is exactly
where they fall apart. Why would a man want to be
with someone that doesn't feel they need them? Why
would a man want to be with someone that thinks
she's fully complete within herself and sees them
as superfluous? Why would a man want to be with a
woman that doesn't respect or appreciate his
contributions and unique, masculine abilities? Is
the pattern starting to come clear?
One last point: don't confuse the
Inter-dependent relationship with the co-dependent
one. Co-dependent relationships are where one
partner gives up their own persona and throws
themselves fully into the relationship, being
absorbed by it. My "model" allows a person to be
powerful within themselves and still find the
fulfillment that only a healthy, worthwhile
relationship - between two healthy and worthwhile
people - can offer.
Could These Balls Be Yours,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 2
years. We fell in love right away and even moved in
together (she was new in town). I'm 23 and she's
24. We had all these plans for the future and I
even brought an engagement ring.
She went on a business trip 3 months ago and
when she came back she told we she needed a break
to figure out who she is and what she wants. I
found out that before she asked for the break she
met a 26 year old guy who lives 2 hours from us. I
asked her if she wanted to break up and she said
no, she just needs space.
Well the other guy started coming to see her and
she has even gone to spend the whole weekend with
him. I called this guy a couple of times because I
was being stupid.
She has really hurt me but I still love her so
much. I'm afraid to give her the break she wants
because she may forget what we once shared. I tell
her lets not talk until she figures out what she
wants and she says she still wants to talk and hang
out with me. I don't know what to do? Does she
still love me?
I'm sorry to tell you this, no, she doesn't love
you. If she did, how could she consider being with
someone else while she's with you?
Frankly, this is particularly dirty - she
already has another "boyfriend" even though she's
living with you and doesn't want YOU to move on,
but wants that freedom herself! Sure, she
doesnt want to break up she has you at
home cleaning everything and paying the bills while
she gets to go out and establish a new
relationship. What a self-centered, using
And then there's you - why in the hell would you
put up with such a thing? She's going there
spending weekends with him two hour away? Why would
you ever tolerate such a thing? Because you "love"
her? Where is your self-respect and dignity? Where
are your balls? Oh, I know, theyre in her
purse, right next to that love she claims to have
for you. My brother, this isnt
It's time to wake up out of this "love fog"
you've got and start seeing this for what it is.
You're obviously under the impression that you
can't do better than her, but let me assure you,
she's nothing special. When she goes out and runs
around on you still hoping that you'll hang around
just in case her new boyfriend doesn't work out,
you're as much to blame about all of this as she is
- maybe more!
Tell her that she can go have her weekend, then
spend that time packing up all of her stuff and
putting it on the doorstep to greet her when she
comes home. Also be sure to change the locks and
phone number. Then, you and your buddies can go out
on Sunday night to celebrate and meet some much
Fear, As a Motivator
You most likely already know why I'm emailing
you so I'll get to the point.
I have a problem with a girl. I've sunk so low
as to looking articles up on the internet because I
care about her so much that I don't want to screw
it up. She's one year my junior and we are in the
same music class, playing the same instrument, and
are currently working together on a small ensemble
with another girl.
She's really pretty and I've known her for just
over a year. The problem is. I can't talk to her
the way I want to. Sure, I seem cool and composed
right now, but that's because I communicate easier
through the keyboard than I do verbally.
Unfortunately, I dont know her email
I don't make friends easily, and that's part of
my problem. No matter what the outcome, I truly
don't want to lose her as a friend. But I'm dead
scared that if I tell her that I like her she'll
start avoiding me and she wont want to be my
friend. I'm really at a loss. I don't know what to
do about this. It's starting to affect me
negatively. I'm stressed out about many things
other than this as well. But my mind keeps drifting
back to her.
I care about her a lot. And I like her on more
than a physical level. What it comes down to is
this: what the hell can I do?
Thanks for your time...
You've "...sunk so low..."??? Remember: I WRITE
those articles! I don't think its "low" at all.
Where in the hell are you going to get this
information if you haven't found it yet???? I think
the Internet is a great place to get information if
you're careful about what information you seek, and
whom you get it from.
Ok, get this through your thick skull: you can
either have her as a "friend" or you can have her
as a "girlfriend". You can't have both. If you're
afraid of losing her friendship, then you're just
going to have to love her from afar and never, ever
tell her about it or do anything about it ever. If
you do, you're going to lose her friendship
permanently. That's the way it is.
On the other hand, you might actually get her as
What is it that you want? If the friendship is
so important, you can stop reading this reply right
here. Now you know what you to do - nothing.
On the other hand, if you DO want something more
with her, you're going to have to get over this
idea of the friendship. In fact, women don't make
good "friends" for us guys. They never have, and
they never will. That is the fact.
If you want to have something more with her,
you're also going to have to get over your fears.
Fear will prevent you from doing all sorts of
things in your life - including having the
relationships you want. If that's ok with you, be
my guest and enjoy all the fear you want. You don't
need my help on that one!
Being afraid, being shy, being a pussy, etc.,
are all ways you prevent yourself from getting what
you want in life. You're either going to live the
life of "quite desperation" or you're going to go
out and take what you want from it. As a young man
you have the luxury of choice right now, but that's
not going to get you anywhere with this girl - and
she knows it.
Women are pre-programmed to seek out men - not
little boys. That means that as a "man" you're
going to need to do the things to move this
forward, such as asking her out. That may seem
pretty scary at first, but how scary is the idea of
not having her instead? Frankly, you may have
already sunk into the "friend zone" with her. I
suggest that you get moving and stop being
Just tell her that you've enjoyed getting to
know her and would like to know her better on a
personal level - starting with this next weekend.
Tell her that you'll pick her up on Friday night to
© 2002, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,