Avoiding the Dating Games
Hi Dr. Neder:
My problem is that I dont want to play the
dating game and I dont know how to avoid
Im not interested in the type of
relationship thats a sort of fragile peace
treaty after a war of conquest. When I consider
whats involved in the dating
gamedeception to up each persons
perceived social value, rudeness/flakiness to
increase hype or show lack of desperationI
think such behaviors provide a terrible basis for a
The relationship I would like, instead, is one
of a successful road trip. Perhaps conventional
gender roles would dictate that I be the
accelerator and she, brakes. Or, the roles could be
shared differently. The point, however, is that
shared roles would contribute synergistically to a
successful relationship (partnership).
I am in my late twenties and dated five girls in
the last year, each between 1-3 dates. I usually
start with great first dates: fluid conversations,
dilated pupils, increased smiling, and some
mirroring of my speech patterns, posture, and/or
other gestures, etc.
Three of them suggested we meet again even
before the date had ended. After that, its as
if theyre all struck with amnesia, also
becoming flaky or otherwise difficult to reach.
Subsequently, a week or two of hide-and-go-seek
ensues and Ive lost interest.
How do I be direct with a girl about not wanting
to play mind games without it sounding like an
How do I convey to her that honesty and
directness are appreciated, without her feeling
desperate or slutty for doing so?
Finally, what are some outwardly observable
attributes that I can look for in a woman as
predictors of empathy, intellect, and creativity? A
round butt and cleavage are poor predictors of the
more important qualities I look for in a woman. (I
dont know why it took me so long to realize
Any insight is appreciated.
Yes, I fully understand what you're saying here.
Wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to play all
these dumb games with women and could get right to
the things we all want?
Here's the problem however: these rules of
engagement were here long, long before I arrived. I
wish that women didn't think they needed all this
crap, but in reality, much of it is pre-wired into
them. I try to help them see they don't need it
with us guys (and frankly, this is exactly what
keeps them from understanding us; making us seem
"complicated" to them - their own wiring toward
these things!) but in fact, you're not going to
fight millions of years of evolution!
The key is to become a better player of these
games than the girls are (I can already hear the
girls reading this gasp!) In fact, if you can
out-game them, you can get past their own needs for
the games right up front and get to the normalized,
easy, fun relationship building you want much more
quickly - and with her total and complete
The problem is four-fold:
1) (As I've already said) much of these games
are pre-wired into women. They need to see that you
can play it in order to move to the next level with
you. Their own evolution requires at least some of
2) Very few men (especially today) actually
understand how these games work, know the rules,
know the moves, etc., and thus wind up getting
their teeth kicked in.
3) Unlike you, very few men even know what
questions to ask; thus, when they see/hear the
answers, they don't know what to do with them. Some
of the guys will try them out anyway and actually
start seeing the success they want, but in reality,
this isn't even most guys.
4) I can't possibly train you in all of this via
one or even one hundred of these messages. The good
news however is that I don't have to! It's all
contained in my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World I & II" and you can discover it all in
just a few weeks of study. The books go into many
things, but by far the most important is that they
talk about these games - what they are, why they
exist, how most men react to them and how you
should react to them instead. They also go into all
the short cuts you're looking for.
Women are really amazing creatures. If you're
enough of a man (and can communicate that to the
women you date) you'll be able to lead them right
past all of this craziness into where you want
things to go - and the women will absolutely love
you for it. That's because deep down, they don't
want to have to play these games with you any more
than you want to be played!
The challenge comes in learning how to be that
man, what the games are and how to deal with them
along the way. You also need to understand that
some of these games, (like "The Test") you CAN NOT
get around or avoid - EVER. You're going to HAVE to
deal with The Test in every single relationship you
ever encounter. Thus, don't wish or hope or even
try to slip past it. Learn instead how to recognize
and then vanquish it. If you do this, you'll
instantly become the men that women read about in
their own porn: romance novels.
Because of all of this, I'm afraid your
questions are misdirected. You're looking for a way
around the games rather than doing what any woman
will absolutely demand of you: plowing right
through them. You're not going to find that path
around, so stop right now looking for it.
As to your last question, interestingly, the
very fact that these women ARE playing these games
with you shows their hand. Trust me on this: they
won't bother playing them with guys they aren't
interested in. It's just as much work for them as
it is for you!
As I said before, learn the games, learn the
counter moves and play the game better than any
woman you meet can.
Then, (to usurp Rudyard Kipling:) "Yours is the
Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my
son!"..and will have the sorts of easy
relationships you really want to have, with the
sorts of women you really want to be with.
© 2009, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,
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Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
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