Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Dear Dr. Neder:
My boyfriend and I have only been dating a year
and 2 months. I do really care for him and I pray
he cares for me as well.
Here is my concern, he has hidden things from me
before, and I have found out and now I'm getting
afraid he is doing it again.
He has promised me that he will tell me
everything but I have to pry information out of
This is very frustrating, and Im confused
as to a good way to handle this without breaking
the relationship off.
You know when you have to deliver bad news and
you know that the recipient isn't going to take it
well? That's what I'm feeling right now. You're not
going to like my advice at all.
My dear, I'm sorry to say, you're absolutely,
positively wrong here - 100%.
Demanding that he be "totally honest" with you
is simply setting him up for failure. It's too bad
that he doesn't know enough to not have agreed to
this in the first place, but that doesn't make him
wrong in trying to deliver it. The problem is YOUR
Let's dissect this a little: YOU want him to
divulge everything you think you might ever be
concerned with. You've snooped on him in the past
(wrong, wrong, wrong by the way!) and found things
you had no idea the meaning of. Because of this,
you want to make HIM the bad guy and now demand
something totally and completely unreasonable
simply because YOU don't trust YOURSELF to make
good decisions about things!
No matter how hard you try, you don't get to
make anyone else responsible for your insecurities.
That's why he can't possibly live up to this
"agreement" even though he made it! It's totally
and completely impossible! How is he ever going
1) Read your mind to know every little detail
that you might want to know so you can:
2) Judge him on every little move, action and
thought he might have, so that:
3) You can relax and feel "secure":
4) Which you never will anyway because security
has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else but
It can't possibly happen! You're setting him and
your relationship up for failure from the very
start. Why even be in such a relationship? The
problem here isn't about him at all - it's about
you and your insecurities. He can't help you with
that, YOU have to grow up and deal with realities
just like the rest of us have to. You don't get
some special consideration to be able to delegate
all this away to someone else! That's just
So, to answer your question: YES, you should
stay but you need to get the hell over this for
yourself. He's not the problem here, you are.
I'm afraid it's time to put on your big-girl
panties and come and sit at the adult's table.
See? Didn't I tell you that you were going to
hate my advice??? In that way, I started by doing
the exact same thing you did. I tried to give away
my responsibilities in how you feel with my very
It didn't work, did it?
Neither will your tactic of trying to make him
responsible for YOUR feelings either.
© 2009, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,
* * *
Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
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