Going From Non-Sexual to Sexual
Dear Dr. Neder:
I'm 33 years old and I was a virgin up until a
few weeks ago. I was waiting to meet the right
girl, and I finally did. But when I slept with her,
I couldn't cum. In fact, I had trouble getting a
full erection at all, and then I couldn't keep it
the one time I did.
My girlfriend is hot, and she even tried oral.
It felt great for a while, but then I started
getting a little bored when she stopped licking the
I was getting sick that weekend, but this has
happened to us before. My girlfriend says its okay,
but I know she's really disappointed, and I think
she might dump me.
Help, what do I do?!
Actually, I'm not surprised by this difficulty
at all. Here's the problem: you've spend the first
31 years of your life NOT being sexual with girls
until now, you finally have to perform.
I've seen this happen many times and I'm afraid
it's a terrible mistake! Waiting around for the
right girl simple programs your mind to not be the
otherwise sexual person you were born to be and now
you have to un-program your mind and you're going
to have to do it quickly! She's not going to wait
around for another 31 years while you reverse this
ridiculous education you've created for
I'm gong to help you here, but I'm not done
lecturing you yet... ;)
People have all sorts of crazy (frankly, stupid)
reasons for doing these things: religion,
emotionality, feminine bias, lack of opportunity
created, etc., etc. The problem is that they all
deny the foundational wiring built right into each
of us. Now, because of whatever reasoning you used,
your partner is suffering. That's a very poor
choice and as a first step to getting this solved,
you need to change your way of thinking about all
As another problem, you claim you found the
"right one". Of course, you've never been with
someone like her before and thus, you don't even
know if this is true! You can only hope - not
That puts one hell of a lot of pressure on you
to perform! You don't just flip a switch and become
a sexual person - you practice it your entire life.
What have you been practicing???
Yet another problem: your sexual experience has
been with the palm of your hand, not something so
soft as your lover's mouth or pussy. Yet MORE
practice of the wrong ilk!
So, you see, with all of this combined, you have
a lot to unlearn here.
Let's start with this: NO MORE masturbation for
awhile. You need to let that sexual tension build
up in you so that your partner has something to
work with. Once you get this solved, you can go
back to jerking off if you want to, but give it
Second, you're going to have to work on building
your own personal sexuality (something you've
avoided now for 31 years). You need to teach your
mind to sexualize women. (I can hear the gasps from
all the way over here!) Yes, that's exactly what I
mean - you need to start seeing your partner as a
sexual object - a sexual person. You subconscious
mind doesn't equate her with sex because you're
putting far too much onus on her as the "perfect
Unfortunately, she's really not and you've got
to see that. She's just a woman like any other. She
may have attributes you prefer but that's a very
different thing from being "perfect".
As you begin to make headway into this new path
for yourself, you're going to find that you also
start growing your sexuality and thus, your
response to your partner. Frankly, you have a lot
of work to do here but these difficulties are
entirely self-inflicted. It's time to
un-self-inflict them and come the healthy, sexual
person you were born to be. You deserve this, but
even more your partner deserves this.
© 2010, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,
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Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
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