Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love,
relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer
all letters. Write E-Mail
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
Confidence - How to Show It -
Even If You Don't Have It
Cowboy Gets a Hoof To The
Don't Mess with a Good
Follow-Up On "How To Never
Be At A Loss For Words"
How To Never Be At A Loss
How to Sell - for the Single
It's Never Too Late To
Meeting that special
Men: Learn How To Be
Pass On Those
Overcoming Rejection - Handling
During a Crisis
10 Signs That It's Time to
The Value of Male
What Are Your Goals?
Girl-Friend or Girlfriend?
Why Do Men Fear
Other Relationship Issues,
Why Do Men Fear
Why does a guy bolt for the door, when he has
everything he wants? I seem to be getting a lot of
"I'm afraid of commitment", "We are too close", and
"You're great but I'm not ready"
I never even used the word "commitment"! It
seems that just because a woman wants to spend time
with her guy he thinks he going to lose his
freedom. How do you get them back after they
Men are very, very sensitive about anything that
even smacks of "commitment" (like I have to tell
YOU!) In fact, I actually get this question quite
The concept of commitment means something very
different to men and women. Women interpret
commitment as security, future, and possibly
marriage and children. From the time women are
little girls they are constantly given the image of
the white wedding, the house with the picket fence
and kids. In fact, if you really think about it
things like weddings, Valentine's Day, children -
all are really for the benefit of women! Women
(especially today) really have all the options. You
can move between careers, go back to school, stay
at home, leave a career to have kids, return to the
career, etc., etc., all without the absolute
responsibility of supporting the family.
Men on the other hand see commitment as
something quite different. To men, commitment (or
even the hint of it) means a lack of freedom! Why
is this so? Consider what happens to men socially.
Men pay 92% or more of all dating costs. They pay
74% of all family costs. A man has only one choice
when he leaves school - go to work and become
successful. The more he earns, the better women he
can attract! Commitment means that he has fewer
choices - in work, in women, in play, in time, and
in life. He can't just "up and leave" a job when he
is married. He has to think about his family. Thus,
when a man looks at commitment, he sees a lifetime
of struggle. On his own, he only has the pressures
he places on himself.
Once a guy "bolts", you've got some work to do
to get him back. Remember how he sees commitment.
Women intuitively understand that their goal is to
get a man to see the exchange of freedom for sex.
This really is your key. There has to be something
in your relationship that he wanted in the first
place, and you'll have to make sure he gets it!
As well, there is another important thing you
can do: realize that men are NOT monogamous. Yes, I
know that isn't what you want to hear. But consider
this, if you realize this up front, you're already
way ahead of the game! Thus, your goal shouldn't be
to get your guy to commit and be monogamous to you
- it should be to become the women for whom he
WANTS to be monogamous! Do you get the difference
One last point that is important: look at your
goals. Is your goal to be married? I tell women
this all the time - if all you want is to be
married, I'm sure you can find someone this weekend
that will marry you. So that shouldn't be a
problem. On the other hand, if you want someone of
quality that you love and that loves you back -
focus on THAT goal instead! Don't worry about the
"format" of the relationship - focus on the
If you're really interested in how men think, I
suggest you pick up a copy of my book, "Being a Man
in a Woman's' World". It was written for men - just
the way men talk to each other (when you girls
aren't around!) It should really give you some
insight into what goes on in men's minds.
Good luck, much love...
Pass On Those Leads!
Have you ever met someone that you might have been
interested in but changed your mind after a while?
Perhaps he or she wasn't your "type", or he or she
didn't really click with you or whatever. Or,
perhaps you have a friend that you think might work
well for someone else. Or, let's say that you met
someone and actually went out with him or her once
- maybe through a personal ad, or by being set-up
by a friend, but you found that they weren't what
you were looking for.
Why not pass this "lead" along to a friend?
We so often forget that we're not the only one
looking to meet someone new. If you know of someone
that might work for someone else, you don't really
have to play matchmaker (and get in the way); just
pass that lead along.
What To Do If You Have A Lead
Ok, so you know someone that another friend or
acquaintance may like - what do you do? You should
first approach both people and get their permission
before giving anyone personal information. Believe
it or not there IS a protocol for such things!
First, check with BOTH people. All you have to
do is tell them that you know someone that might
"fit" their personality, and ask if they'd be
interested in meeting that person. If not, just
drop it and move on.
If they are interested, ask the person what
information you can give to the other person. Is it
ok to give a home telephone number, or is an email
address acceptable? What about a person's last
name? Obviously, if someone isn't interested in
giving out any information, it's going to be
impossible to help him or her meet.
Once you have the first person's permission,
contact the second person quickly. Try to do this
with a week or two at the most. Nothing creates
more anxiety than expecting someone to call and
moving on a month or more later, only to find that
your information hasn't even been passed along
When you contact this second person, ask them if
they'd be interested in meeting someone that you
think would be a good match. If so, ask them what
information you can pass along, and give them the
information of the other person. If not, contact
the first person and explain why you couldn't pass
their information along.
Next, get the hell out of the way!
What To Do If You Get A Lead
If someone gives you a lead - even if you don't
think you'd be interested, you should contact this
person anyway. Why? Because your friend went out of
their way to try to help you! If you just ignore
it, don't expect any more leads from that
When you get a lead from someone - don't wait a
long time to contact the person! You should
probably contact them within a week or so. Why?
Because you don't know how long the person that
gave you the lead was sitting on it. What if
they've had it in their hands for 3 weeks? If you
wait another week - it will have been a month since
the first person was asked! Even if you're busy,
you should at least contact the person and say
hello. Explain to them that you're very busy right
now, but you'd be interested in meeting them
Finally, like any other cold contact, take
things slowly. Talk via email or by phone and get
to know the other person. Find out if they have the
same goals as you, and see if they match your
"plan". (You do have a relationship plan don't
you?) If and when you finally plan to meet, keep it
short and simple. Meet for coffee or a drink and
see if you "click". If not, don't be afraid to tell
the person how you feel or set another date!
Another question I get asked is if a person that
accepts a lead from someone is obligated to return
the lead. No, you are not. That doesn't mean that
you shouldn't return it if you can however. If
everyone passed these leads on, everyone would be
expanding their contact lists dramatically. And,
this is just another way to meet the person of your
Learning To Be A Sexual
I apologize if this is not an area of advice you
wish to tackle, but I thought I would come to you
with my question.
My girlfriend and I have a great relationship
going. We're completely in love and have a
wonderful time with each other. When it comes to
the conversation and emotional field of our union,
we're right on and connect with each other just
When it came to our sexual relationship, we both
decided, due to religious morality and social
conditions that we would not partake in the full
act of sex, but that we would "please" each other.
Being male, this task is nothing short of simple
for her and she makes me incredibly happy. But for
me, things are quite difficult.
Forgive me if I come off a little crude here,
but I don't really know any other way of conveying
this to you. She doesn't want me to go down on her
because she finds it uncomfortable and strange. She
likes it when I finger her, though, but I've never
been able to bring her to orgasm. In fact, she's
never had an orgasm.
I feel this is unfair to her and I wish I could
give her the same feeling I get when she pleases
me. Can you help me??
Actually, I'm happy to field this question! And,
by the way, nothing you've said is "crude". I don't
believe that ANYTHING about sex is crude! Further,
we're all friends here, so feel free to say
whatever you want, however you feel it is
I'm so pleased that you and your girlfriend have
such a great relationship. As you've found the
"three C's" are the key: Communication,
Commonality, and Connection. As long as you BOTH
agree on the point about sex, it's fine too. Many
couples have only one partner that feels that they
don't want to have sex. The other is then forced to
accept or lose out. As the saying goes, "The convoy
moves at the speed of the slowest ship." If you've
found a way to satisfy your needs without actual
sex, and you're both happy about it - great.
One other preliminary point; be aware that your
girlfriend can still get pregnant if you even place
your penis against her vagina; even if you don't
climax. This is because the penis emits a small
amount of fluid during sexual arousal and this can
contain hundreds of thousands of sperm cells -
enough to get her pregnant; so be careful here
Finally, I'm very gratified that you want to
satisfy your girlfriend. Many men are just "takers"
and either don't know that they should, or can
please their lovers. She is very lucky, and I hope
she appreciates this.
Ok, let's look at your specific issues.
Many women don't "warm" to oral sex
(cunnilingis) immediately. This is due to a number
of issues such as thinking that they're "dirty down
there", social and religious stigma, etc. Of
course, none of this is true, and in fact, the
vagina is one of the most sanitary parts of the
body due to its natural cleansing cycles. You might
want to discuss this with her, and even pick up any
of the hundreds of good books on female
An even bigger issue is that of her inability to
climax. Again, due to religious, family and social
pressures, inexperience, perceptions she may have
about her body, or any number of a hundred other
reasons, she may feel put off by sex, and probably
has difficulty in letting herself go and feel good.
As you may guess, this is an absolute prerequisite
to good sexual function.
I've always found it very, very sad that
religion and families do this to our women. Why
don't we celebrate our sexuality? If you care to
look at it this way, it IS given to us by God.
Humans are the only animals that have sex purely
for pleasure. This says something to me. Further,
it's the most powerful aspect of our personalities.
Somewhere back in history, religious leaders,
tribal leaders, parents, etc., found that if they
could get control of someone's sexuality, they
could control that person. This is the state many
people find themselves in today - controlled by and
obsessed with their sexuality.
So, what do you do about all of this? First,
your girlfriend (and perhaps you too!) needs to get
over any stigma she may have about her sexuality.
Again, it is a natural, healthy part of who we are
- it is something to be celebrated, not ignored. It
is a powerful aspect of us, and in many ways,
defines who we are. To deny it is to ignore that
part of ourselves.
Have you asked her about masturbation?
Specifically, does she masturbate, and if so, can
she bring herself to climax or even to feel "warm
and relaxed" as many women describe it. She knows
just what feels good to her. She can touch herself
"just right" and show you what she enjoys. I'm
assuming that you know your "female sexual anatomy"
here. Here's a link that describes it, but be
forwarded - it is graphic, and rather clinical!
Many women find that direct stimulation on her
clitoris to far too much and may cause discomfort
rather than pleasure. Thus, you want to ask your
girlfriend just what feels good to her. This is one
reason why many women find that oral sex is so
satisfying. The tongue is much softer than your
fingers are. Further, because it is very flexible
and sensitive, it is much easier for your tongue to
touch her "just right".
When you two are together, you might spend some
time cuddling, kissing and enjoying each other.
After a while of this, when she feels relaxed, sit
behind her on the bed with her sitting against your
body, between your legs and in your arms. Let her
lay her head against your shoulder, close her eyes
and touch herself. Take some time here - it isn't a
sprint. Let her explore her body in an accepting,
comforting and encouraging environment. Just let
her touch herself in the ways that feels best to
While this is going on, you can encourage her.
Tell her that you love her and you are so happy she
feels good. This encouragement is very powerful and
will help her to let go. You may find that after
awhile her face and chest will flush red. This is a
good sign that: 1) she is letting go and relaxing;
and 2) that she is getting close to release. Don't
try to force anything. Let her go as far as she
likes. If she climaxes, that's great. If not,
that's great too - you're bonding and being
together. This is the real key in the
If she finds that her fingers aren't enough
stimulation, you might want to buy her a vibrator.
You can even make this a fun outing! Go to a store
where they have these and look at the "toys" - just
like when you were kids. Of course, these are
"adult toys". Find something that is
non-threatening. A huge black penis-like vibrator
is NOT a good choice. Something small and pink
might be better. Don't try to direct her choice -
let her make it. Just continue to be supportive and
caring. Vibrators are great for many women because
they provide direct and constant stimulation in
ways that her fingers cannot.
After you've practiced this for a while, you're
going to find that she "learns" how to feel good.
She can even show you exactly what she does so that
you can do this for her too. Almost every woman
finds that she has to learn how to please herself
before she can have someone else do it for her.
This is as much a mind-game as it is a physical
one. There is a great book you might want to find
called "For Yourself", by Lonnie Barbach. Here's a
link to her website: www.sfsi.org/books/barbach.html
One last point is appropriate here; nobody - not
a doctor, not another woman, nobody, can actually
tell if your girlfriend is a virgin or not! I live
in Glendale, CA, where we have a large Armenian
population. This ethnic group heavily promotes
virginity before marriage. They even have
"specialists" that examine women to determine if
they are virgins before marriage. The problem here
is that no matter what they say, they can't really
tell!!! Go figure.
Don't Mess with a Good
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of a year
and a half due mostly to boredom. Then, I missed
her and decided to get back together. Now, she says
now that she doesn't love me anymore. From her
attitude, it seems to be true; otherwise she is
faking very well! I don't what to do! What can I do
to get her back?
First, she probably ISN'T faking it. It isn't
difficult for people to fall out of love. Honestly,
once a person loves someone else, they will always
love that person. On the other hand, that doesn't
mean that they LIKE the other person!
Can you win her back - yes, you probably can.
The real question is should you? Look back and try
to remember why you broke up with her in the first
place. Try to remember the emotions and feelings
because once you get back with her, they are going
to come rushing back. You'll be looking to break up
again and be right back in the same cycle. Believe
me, boredom IS a valid reason for breaking up
regardless of how minor it may seem after the fact.
If your motivation to get back together is just
sexual, then call it that. If you're looking to
re-establish the relationship, please consider what
I've already said.
Ok, so what can you do to rekindle the
relationship? First, you're going to have to get
past the hurt and rejection she feels. If your
breakup was recent (within the past 2 months or
so), you might want to wait for a while longer so
that the memory of the hurt can fade. If it is
longer than that, here's what you need to do.
First, write a letter. Take some time and try to
pack the excitement and fun you remember of the
beginning stages of the relationship into it.
Remind her of how well you two "worked" together,
and why you got together in the first place. You
should also address her hurt by telling her that
you understand how she feels and that you regret
having put her through this, but that your love and
consideration are the foundations on which you want
to rebuild the relationship.
After you send her this letter, give her a few
days to "digest" it. Then, call her and ask her to
meet you for coffee, or something - the location
and format aren't important, just avoid movies,
concerts, loud bars, etc. - you want to be able to
talk intimately. Here, bring her something that is
special just to her. Don't bring her flowers,
unless it's one of her favorite flowers. Even
better, try to remember something small and
inexpensive that she wanted. It will show that
you're thinking of her and her needs. At this
meeting, don't try to get her to commit - you're
really just courting her again. Use this time to
really try to re-connect with her. She may be angry
with you, but that will subside as you begin the
reconnection. Unless you're getting a ton of
"buying signals", don't try to get her back to her
(or your) place. Kiss her and tell her you'd like
to see her again. Make the date right there if
Your goal should be to have her remember why you
two were together in the first place. A year and a
half relationship tells me that you had something.
She may feel that now you've burned that bridge and
you're going to have to rebuild it. Remember, this
is going to be an uphill battle. If you decide to
pursue it you'd better be in for the long-haul as
it might take some time. As well, I suggest that
you pick up a copy of my book, 'Being a Man in a
Woman's World' as it covers a great deal about
relationships, and how to keep them working.
Take That Risk!
Many men and women aren't successful in meeting or
dating because they aren't willing to take a risk -
the risk to say "hello", the risk to say "yes", the
risk to ask for a phone number, the risk to set-up
a date, the risk to ask for what you want, etc.
They want everything in a nice risk-free, safe
container. I'm going to give you 10 reasons why you
should become a risk taker in a moment.
What does risk mean to you? Ultimately it means
to put yourself out there and open up to
opportunities. The Chinese use the same symbols to
mean "crisis" and opportunity. These literally
translate to "Crisis is an opportunity riding the
dangerous wind". If you're not taking advantage of
opportunity, you're actually using your actions to
When I talk about risk, I'm not suggesting that
your hurl yourself off a building at the end of a
rubber band. I'm talking about "measured risk" -
that risk that will bring you greater value than
you can lose. Dating is really all about this. It's
really about the opportunity to get something you
want that you don't already have while managing
Let's look at why you should take that risk:
If not now, when?
If you don't do something today to change the
way things are, tomorrow is going to be the same.
So will next week, next month, and next year. Of
course, if you're happy about the way things are,
then do nothing. On the other hand, what are you
waiting for? Get going!
You're not so special as to fail every time!
Sure, you're special bunky! But, you're not so
special that you can avoid success. The only way to
do fail is to give up, or to never get started
trying. So, you've got to get moving and active. Do
something - even a small thing. Then, do something
else. Once you get started, these actions become
habit and you'll find that you're doing something
to improve your life all the time.
You've got game!
If you're reading this on the Internet, you have
a wealth of information available to you right now.
Not only will this information help boost your
confidence, but you can make all of this a game.
Read what others have to say and find the advice
that seems to work for you. Try things and keep
score - this quickly becomes a game.
Your "Mark" Doesn't Want To Be Alone Anymore
Than You Do!
This is an important point that many people
miss. He or she doesn't want to be by themselves
the rest of their lives any more than you do. So,
you already have that leg-up - and something in
You're no safer trying to avoid risk than by
Studies show that danger is all around us. Who
would have thought that just sitting in your office
in a skyscraper, you'd be at risk of losing your
life? The victims of America's recent terrorist
attack understand this only too well.
So, what do you really risk by seeking not risk?
The possibility of not having what you really
wanted from your life. The knowledge that you
settled. The pain of watching others get what they
want while you don't.
Get what YOU want, or accept what life gives
Sure, it's "safe" to simply wait, but then you
have to take what you get - if anything. If you set
out to make things the way you want, you may fail,
but if you're goals are big enough, you're going to
succeed along the way!
For example, if you set your sights on hitting
the roof, you may only get the side of the
building. If you set your sights on the stars, you
may only get the moon! On the other hand, the stars
could be yours too! Not a bad trade off - a little
risk for a lot of gain.
You have a limited number of days here. Further,
you don't know how big (or small) that number is.
Of course, we all hope it is a very, very large
number. But, you can't really plan for that
effectively, and like the poet said, "tomorrow
never comes", all you have is today. Get going!
Put failure into perspective.
What does failure mean? Does it mean
embarrassment or does it mean the loss of an eye or
a limb. The risk I'm talking about is absolutely
minor. Maybe you'll get shot-down when you ask her
for a date or maybe he'll turn out to be a jerk if
you accept. But, what are the possible benefits?
You might make a new friend, get that number or
meet the mate you've been looking for.
Learn to succeed!
What if you could manage and reduce your risk?
What if you could reduce it to almost nothing? You
can! Arm yourself with information. Buy that book,
read that article, ask that question - in short,
get yourself educated.
On the other hand, don't WAIT until you ARE
educated. Some people use their education as an
excuse. They spend their lives collecting
information, but never learn how to use it. Do you
know that your doctor didn't really know how to
treat illness when he or she left school? They
spent all those years studying ABOUT diseases,
symptoms and cures. They didn't spent much time at
all learning HOW to cure. That's where you come in.
Every patient is a new experiment.
As well, every new person you meet is a new
experiment. Thus, gather up information, knowledge
and experience; keep track of what works and what
doesn't work - but GET TO WORK!
What do you have to lose?
Nobody likes to hear "no". Some people go out of
their way to avoid "no's", but not wise people.
Many salespeople actually make it their goal to get
a certain number of "no's" everyday. Why would the
focus on this? Because, if you're going after a
number of "no's", you can't help but get "yes's"
along the way.
Don't let fear rule your world - make it your
ally. What do you have to lose? Being alone on
Overcoming Rejection -
Those of you that have read my articles know that I
talk a lot about selling skills. That's because I
view dating much like selling. For example:
- Selling and Marketing - Dating
- Marketing plan - Dating plan
- Prospecting - Finding and meeting
- "Cold call" - Approaching someone for the
- "Warm call" - Setting up a date referred by
- The "pitch" - Establishing connection
- The "close" - Getting a number, getting a
- The "follow-up" - Moving on to the next
Over the years, I have trained hundreds of
salespeople and know that everyone can sell. As
well, I've worked with many, many people and know
that everyone can be successful at dating. By
looking at dating this way, you begin to see that
it really isn't just hit and miss - there really
are rules that work for anyone.
One of the most important elements of selling is
handling objections. This doesn't mean that you can
convince someone of something - that isn't what
selling is all about! Dating isn't either. You
can't really convince anyone to date you, to
establish a relationship with you, to sleep with
you, etc. What you can do is to make it worthwhile
for this person to make the decision on their
When you're dating someone, the best advice is
to always consider how hard you want to work. If
you've found the "immovable object" - that person
that just won't budge, why continue to pound on him
or her? It's by far easier to just move on and find
someone that "wants to buy what you're
On the other hand, there are some things you can
do to help get your "prospect" off the fence. In
fact, with many people, (particularly women), you
sometimes have to put some work in. Again, keep in
mind that you shouldn't work too hard - if someone
expects that much, you're "return" isn't usually
going to be worth it.
Let's examine some common objections and how to
Everyone has the same 168 hours a week. And,
whether you use them or not, they're gone. Because
of this, many people believe that they are really
busy. To them, they may be, but to others it may
have just been a wasted of 168 hours. This is a
often a matter of interpretation.
I know people that really get things done, and I
know people who waste a tremendous amount of time.
Every one of them thinks that they are busy. But,
consider this; if you want something - really want
it - you make time for it. If someone tells you
they don't have time to date you time really isn't
the issue, it's interest.
You may need to do some more selling. Suggest
that if they knew you better, they'd feel that the
hour or two spent with you was really
Objection: They don't "see" you that way or
you're a "friend"
This is a killer. If you've slipped into the
"friend" category, you've got an up-hill battle on
your hands. First, you've got to change that idea
in the person's head - especially with women. Women
organize men into two categories - boyfriend
material and everyone else.
If you're the "friend" you can say that you want
to use your closeness and understanding of her/him
as the cornerstone of your relationship. Say that
your friendship is ready to move to the next level
and that he or she may not see you that way yet,
but they will. Then, set a date to take the out -
but make it a date, not just two friends getting
together! Do all the things you'd do if you were
taking out a new person. This "new" person however
is one that you already have history with. Don't
let this history prevent you from doing the "date
things" that you'd normally do with someone
You may find that your "target" is reluctant to
set the initial date. Again, this may be difficult
to get past, but it is not insurmountable. Remind
him or her that they've been comfortable being with
you on other occasions and this one will be just as
comfortable. After all, you're just trying to see
if you work as a couple or not.
Objection: They're seeing someone
The person may be in a committed relationship,
but even this can be dealt with. You might want to
interject some humor. Try saying this: "So what -
are you some kind of fanatic or something?" Once
you've established some ease between you two, go
the next step and say, "I understand that you're
seeing other people right now, so am I. I just
think that we MAY have a spark we should
Keep it light and simple, and remember, it's
usually easier to steal someone else's boy- or
girlfriend than it is to keep one!
Objection: They can't afford to take you
Objections involving money - like time - are
never to real objection. That is, there is
something else you need to find. This is a question
of "value". For example, if I could absolutely
guarantee you a 50% return on your money, (and you
absolutely believed me), how much would you invest?
Would you take out a second mortgage on your home?
Would you borrow every single penny from your
friends and family that you could? Of course you
The problem here is that the person doesn't see
the value in taking you out. Thus, you can
eliminate this problem by going on the "zero-cost
date". For examples of free and inexpensive dates,
check this some of my recent articles on this site
or at: www.remingtonpublications.com/self_help.htm
If you're still getting resistance setting a
date, you need to look at other reasons.
Objection: They're afraid of you
Why are they afraid of you? Because they've been
hurt before? Because you remind them of the person
that killed their parents? What exactly does this
This objection, like the one above isn't really
about fear, it's about belief. You need to find out
why they don't believe you're intentions are good.
Here, you want to address their fears by showing
them that you're a reasonable, "safe" person and
give them the appearance of a way out.
Objection: Not interested or you're not their
The real question is WHY aren't they interested?
Could it be that you've just downed two garlic
cloves and a pint of vinegar? Have you spent the
entire evening making an ass of yourself?
You want to show this person why you're unique.
That doesn't mean that you can stand on your head
for 30 minutes at a stretch while finishing off a
six-pack. It means that you aren't just "one of the
boys/girls". Of course that also means that you
meet their "dating expectations". Look around you
and see the type of people they are with. Then,
show this person why you're just like them, only
Objection: No response or they don't
Too many people fear confrontation. Combine this
with poor manners (brought on by poor parenting -
you may want to contact this person's mother to
find out why!), and you've got a no-response type
of person. If you don't get a returned call you
should probably move on, happy that you didn't
waste another moment with a rude jerk.
If, on the other hand you're the adventurous
type, you can try this. Call the person up, but
don't leave messages on their answering machine or
voice mail. Wait for the person to answer. Then,
explain that you know that they're busy and wanted
to make it easier by suggesting a time and place to
meet. Then, have them open their calendars and
write it in. If they "forget" again, you know it's
not about being busy - they just lack social
Men: Learn How To Be
Recently, I've been getting more mail from women
complaining that men are sometimes put off when
women approach them. How ludicrous is this? Men,
you've had to do all the work for years. If some
women feel good enough about themselves to take on
some of the burden - why turn them down?
Many men feel intimidated by women that are
direct or even aggressive. It's time to get your
own ego in check. What's going on here? Are some
men so insecure that they feel intimidated by
forward women? Well, yes - this sometimes is the
case. On the other hand, many men are tied into the
"attitude relics" of the past - including that men
always have to make the first move.
To begin, let's look at why women DON'T approach
men. Here are a few reasons:
- Most women feel it's the man's job to do the
approaching (attitude relic)
- Women are sometimes even more uneasy about
approaching men than men are about approaching
- Many women have never learned how to
- Men often don't want to be approached and
react poorly to women that do
Women who approach men go through the same
anxiety that most men experience - if they approach
at all. So, the wise man will realize that he wants
women to approach him. The trick (as many women
know) is how to be approachable.
Being approachable is a combination of things.
The first key is to make eye contact. Women will
not approach a man whose eyes she can't see.
Averting one's eyes is a defensive posture and
tells people not to approach you. If she can't see
your eyes, she doesn't know if you're shy or
The second key is to smile. A smile doesn't have
to be a full-tooth grin. Just a pleasant relaxed
smile in coordination with eye contact is perfect.
This doesn't come naturally to many people and you
may need to practice this in a mirror to make it
so. Just look at yourself and picture the image you
want to express to others. Then, learn how it feels
to present that image on your face.
Eye contact and smiling may also have cultural
implications. In some cultures it is considered
rude to look someone in the eye. In others (such as
Japanese culture), any display of emotion can be
looked down upon. Thus, you should learn the local
customs especially when you're traveling and make
them work for you - not against you!
The third key is body language and posture. You
want to evaluate your body's posture. Slumping
shoulders, crossed arms and legs are "don't
approach" signals. Another "leave me alone" sign is
turning your back or shoulders away from someone -
or away from the center of activity. If you're
sitting at a bar, you are likely facing a wall.
Turn around and face the center of the room (or
somewhere away from the bar itself). Then, don't
slouch. Sit comfortably up-right with your
shoulders up, back straight and your arms and legs
unfolded, in a relaxed place - over the back of a
chair or on the bar for example. This posture
signals your "openness" to someone's approach.
If you're sitting on a bench or couch, don't sit
close to the edge (signaling your distance). Don't
sit directly in the middle either (showing your
ownership of the seat). Sit slightly to the side
with room on either side of you for someone else.
This is a universal sign that you can be
One great tool to use is to imagine someone you
respect entering a room. Think about James Bond or
John Wayne entering a party alone. They show
confidence, class, calm and comfort (the "4 C's"?).
This should be your goal as well. If you're not
sure how to act, stand or sit - imagine what they
would do in this particular situation.
Even if you do all of this, don't be
disappointed if you Don't get approached. The women
that will make the first move are rare - very rare.
If you're one of the lucky ones that get
approached, take advantage of this gift!
Whew! The first date was tough. The second was
easier - and more fun. The third found you in bed
with her. Somehow after 3 more dates, you two are a
couple. Now, something has come up that directly
affects or might even prevent your relationship
from moving forward - what do you do?
Why Can't a Woman Be More Like A Man?
From birth, women begin studying relationships.
This continues the rest of their lives. Men on the
other hand get very little relationship training
before "hitting the field". When relationship
issues come up, women expect men to handle them at
a woman's level. Frankly, men just don't have the
tools to do this. So, they end up making a bad
situation worse, committing to more than they
wanted to or worse yet, lying.
"The Test" is that unexpected, unexplained,
quirky situation inflicted on a man by a woman
right about this time in the new relationship. It
can take many forms - from not calling when she
promised, to "forgetting" a date, to pulling
something so egregious that it knocks the man right
off his chair.
Make no mistake about it - women learn to "test"
their men from very early in their relationship
training. Think not? My friend, then you just the
kind of guy that walks in front of the target! "The
Test" is so pervasive in the dating world that it
is even looked at with humor. In fact, it is so
common that most people (men AND women) don't even
realize that it happens! You've seen movies and
television, read books and articles, etc. where it
is dealt with as "that cute situation" a man is
placed in order to win his woman.
Do men test women? Yes - it sometimes happens,
but not very often. The reasons for this are: 1)
Men don't really know how to test women; 2) The
Test is designed to pre-qualify a love interest,
and frankly, men aren't choosy in the same ways as
women; and 3) Men use other techniques to win their
loves; and 4) Men often assume (incorrectly!) that
women think the same way they do. When men DO test
women, it is usually because of a low self-image or
they don't really have an interest in the woman in
the first place. Women test because of a desire to
be with the "right" man (Mr. Right)!
Women want men that can pass their tests. This
shows them that their man is strong and capable and
worthy of their affection. Fail the test and you're
either going to get more tests, or lose the woman
Recognizing The Test
How do you know when you're being tested?
Frankly it can be difficult - unless you pay very
close attention. I recommend that men ask
themselves first, "does this event make sense in
the context of the situation?" and second, "would
my best friend do this same thing?" If your answer
is "no" to these questions you're probably being
Tests take many forms but they all have the same
pattern. If you can begin to recognize the
patterns, you will see the tests when they come.
Here are the things to look for:
- Something that seems totally out of context
for her based on previous behavior
- Something that seems totally out of context
for the situation
- Your reaction (or lack of one) will likely
lead to a critical relationship "event" or other
- You are being expected to "jump through a
hoop" unnecessarily or for no apparent
- If you don't react, you're likely to loose
respect by her, or by others that she includes
in your test
There are far too many examples of tests to
cover them all here. For specifics check my website
at: www.remingtonpublications.com. Suffice it to
say that, if an unexpected situation meets any or
all of the above, you're probably getting The
Passing The Test
Tests are not problems to be solved. They are
situations created to determine how you will react.
Thus, try to keep in mind the following:
- You're not in the relationship to cater to
- You deserve respect and consideration in all
of your dealings with her
- You can expect that she will support you and
not cause you to look bad in front of your
friends, family, co-workers, etc.
- If you get angry, or loose your head, you'll
fail the test
- Your goal is to deal with it and put the
impetus on HER - let her next action be the
- Resolve up front to walk away things aren't
Whoops! You Blew The Test!
I've talked to many men that have failed their
tests miserably. What now? First, review what
happened. Don't get angry - understand that she
wants you to pass, but you're going to have to work
harder. Next, decide that you're going to be the
leader in your relationship - the "captain of your
ship" as it were. Thus, you'll be in position to
steer the test the next time it omes up. Finally,
be ready! You're going to get tested again!
Meeting that special
You've met many people in your life. How many of
them have been your ideal mate? Probably very few.
You may have dated someone very attractive, only to
find that they don't seem so wonderful after you
get to know them. If you're going to find Mr. or
Ms. Right, you're probably going to have to go
through a number of people - possibly a large
Here are some ideas on how to increase your
contacts and find your partner:
- Decide what you want in a partner. Most
people spend more time planning their vacations
than they spend planning their lives!
- Be open and aware of people around you where
ever you go. You never know when you might meet
someone that fits your profile. Also, be
prepared to say "hello".
- Don't discount any particular method of
meeting other singles. Chat rooms, personal ads,
singles organizations, classes, etc., are all
good ways. You're going to need a large number
of contacts to find the few that fit your
- When you go out, dress! This doesn't mean
that you always need to dress like you're going
clubbing - just dress decently. Don't go to the
store in sweats with your hair in curlers, and
don't go to the bookstore in ratty shorts and a
t-shirt with holes.
- Practice saying "hello" - to everyone. When
you're on an elevator, or passing someone in the
street. First, make eye contact and smile, and
then say "hello". This is great practice for
when it will be needed.
- Let your friends and family know that you're
looking to meet someone. They may know someone
from work or socially whom they think would work
well as a match. Don't be too picky - you'd be
surprised how well your friends know you.
- Get a hobby! By having other things you're
interested in, you become a more interesting
person. As well, you'll find many organizations
that provide information on those hobbies and
might meet something through them.
- Be open - many people unconscientiously
close themselves off to others by averting their
eyes, crossing their arms, and turning
themselves away. Be aware of your body's posture
and use it to tell others that you're
- Finally, always protect yourself. Remember
that the person you meet on-line or in a
supermarket may or may not be the person you
first think they are!
Be open to new people, but don't give people
your home address until after you get to know
During a Crisis
Managing relationships when crisis hits is a
difficult task. You often get into things you
wouldn't otherwise or even use your relationship as
a way to console your feelings of helplessness,
anger and fear.
Here in California, I've seen this many times
happen during our earthquakes, fires and riots.
Even during the Gulf War, people naturally wanted
to help ease their suffering and often turn to
It's a good idea to draw off the strength of
those you love, and to share yours with them, but
be careful not to use the stress brought on by
crisis against your partner, or as an excuse to
over-commit. Let's look at both of these
Turning Your Anger, Fear or Anxiety Inward to
Some people don't handle crisis very well. This
isn't a bad thing - who in this country really gets
much chance to learn how? Frankly, up until now,
we've had it pretty good. Because of this, when a
crisis DOES hit, many are just not prepared.
Everyone hopes that they will act like a hero
during a crisis. Obviously, there are a relative
few that actually can. Of course, everyone wants to
be that person, but few get the chance to prepare
themselves, and even fewer have it in them
naturally. This lack of preparation leads to
overreaction, frustration, fear and anxiety. Many
people start to lash-out at those around them, and
often strike the person in closest reach - their
lover, wife, husband, or partner.
Dealing with this situation is a double-edged
sword - both from the standpoint of the person
inflicting the damage, and from the person
receiving it. How do you handle all the conflicting
emotions? Is there a way to vent them without
harming someone you love?
Yes - the first key however is to realize that
you're having difficulty dealing with the crisis.
During a crisis, you want to take extra care to
deal with all the conflicting emotions you may
feel. You may need to talk to someone.
You should also recognize that your partner
might be having his or her own issues. It's easy
(and natural) to turn your focus inward, but try
not to forget that he or she may be going through
many of the same things you are.
Using a Crisis as an Excuse to
We've seen this every time there is a major
event - be it a disaster like an earthquake, or a
war; people decide to step-up their plans or jump
into commitments they wouldn't otherwise make.
During both World Wars, the war in Vietnam, and
even as recent as the Gulf War, many people chose
to get engaged, married, pregnant, etc., before
leaving to separating. While this may seem
romantic, it is rarely a good idea. Why should a
crisis change the path of your relationship?
Of course, knowing that there is someone waiting
back home may make the distance seem less
important, but consider what may happen when you
return. Perhaps this person has changed their
minds. Maybe they only agreed to this to appease
the person leaving, etc. There are hundreds of
reasons why someone may decide to agree to change
If you're the one staying home, you too may be
tempted to change your relationship. Consider that,
while your partner is away, many things may change
- for both of you. The promises you make today may
not be practical in a few weeks, months or even
What Should You Do Right Now?
If you haven't already, try to define your
relationship to yourself. Be brutally honest - not
wistfully unaware! If you're in the relationship
for convenience or because you just don't have the
heart to break it off, realize that. On the other
hand, if you're building your relationship to a
goal, accept that and define the goal even more
clearly. Also try to view your relationship (as
clearly as possible) from your partner's eyes, but
don't feel compelled to share this with your
partner however. You're building a personal
definition only. Then, do nothing.
What? I hear you asking, "If I'm going through
the effort to really define my relationship, why
shouldn't I do something about it?" Because, you
need to have a stable platform to work from. You
need to understand that your definition of the
relationship may be colored by your emotions of the
crisis. However, if you don't give (or haven't up
until now given), your relationship some meaning or
purpose for existing, you can't easily decide the
best way to act within it.
Unfortunately, too many people live lives as
"wandering generalities". That is, they do all the
things most of us do, but they tend to wander; to
and from their jobs, with their friends; and in
their relationships. Thus, without some definition,
any action is the right one - even inflicting
unintentional harm or over-committing to future
Try to keep your relationship on a consistent
path. Do the same things you did before the crisis.
Go to movies or rent them if that's what you're
used to doing. Spend time together but don't think
you have to force yourselves together more often or
for longer periods than before. There has never
been a more important time to "live for today",
because you don't know what tomorrow will
What Should You Do In The Long-Term?
It's ok to have plans - even to make them during
a crisis. However, be careful not to act on them
until you're in a more rational time and place. By
taking the previous step and defining your
relationship (for yourself), you at least have a
yardstick to measure it by.
What if you already have future plans for your
relationship? Don't change them - in fact, don't
change anything about your life. Don't take money
out of the bank or stock market, don't cancel plans
with friends or family, and don't make major
changes to your relationship plans.
Everyone in the world is affected by this recent
cowardly act. Some are affected in deep, profound
ways. Remember, you don't have to go through this
alone. In fact, you owe it to your loved ones and
yourself to insure you have the strength to move
ahead with your life.
As President Bush as said, this is going to be a
"dirty war". We are going to grow up as a nation
and need to grow up as individuals. This involves
learning new, more effective coping skills. Here
are some resources you might want to use in helping
to cope with this tragedy:
- FBI Tip website
- World Trade Center Survivor Database
- Justice Department phone line to provide
information to families about victims and
services for survivors: 1.800.331.0075
- American Red Cross appeals for blood:
- Cash donations to the Red Cross:
- Cash donations to the Salvation Army:
- Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA):
- FEMA Nation Map of Regional Offices
- North American Center for Emergency
- Disaster Area Missing Person Search
- Web pages set up for WTC Crisis folks to
- Doctors who want to volunteer their help:
services, coping information, forums,
hotlines, emergency and crisis hotlines
- Victims of Crime Resource Center:
- How You Can Help suggestions from
- National Center for Post Traumatic Stress
- isting of
- Disaster Mental Health Handouts
- Steps You Can Take To Cope In Stressful
- Coping With the Aftermath of a Disaster
- What to Tell Children About Terrorist
- Sudden Deaths: A Survival Guide for Family
- Craig's list Disaster Forum
Follow-Up On "How To Never
Be At A Loss For Words" (From July
30-August 5 )
I hope you can help! I have two
1) I have just read your previous article, "How
Not to Be At a Loss for Words". However, when I'm
with a woman, I just CANNOT think of what to say. I
wind up just saying "uh-huh" much of the time and
it just kills me. My friends say that I'm a nice,
funny guy. But around women, I just wind up being
quiet. Any suggestion is appreciated.
2) As a result of the above, I have never had a
long-term relationship with a woman - nothing
beyond a few dates or one-night stands. The hardest
part is what to say to a date when they ask about
past girlfriends. I certainly don't want to say
I've never had one. I'm 42 and am by no means a bad
looking guy. In fact, many say I'm very good
looking. I hope you can give me an answer what to
say in this situation. Obviously the whole
situation puts my confidence at close to zero.
Hello Talk Soup!
There is nothing so easy, nor so difficult as
conversation. It's easy when you understand WHY
people communicate [insert suspenseful music
here], which I'll get to in a minute. It's
difficult because few of us ever learn this
Next to my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", (plug, plug!) the best book I've ever read
is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by
Dale Carnegie. The question should never be "Have
you read this book?" The question should be "How
many times have you read this book?" It is full of
valuable insight and understanding into this
critical skill: learning to communicate.
Let me cut to the chase. The key to
communicating with a woman (or anyone else for that
matter) is this: people are primarily interested in
themselves. Go back and re-read that sentence 3-4
times until it really sinks in. This goes for you
and me too! Everyone does the same thing: they
spend 20% of their time listening to you, and 80%
thinking about their own experiences related to
what's being said. In fact, I'm not sure if women
don't spend 95% of their time on themselves!
Ok, knowing that key, here's how you use it.
Your date is interested in what? She's
"...primarily interested in herself." Say that to
yourself a few times. I call this "knowing your
customer". The other key to all of this is "sell
what your customer is buying!" If she's interested
in herself, then sell her that! When she talks
about her work, focus on her work. When she talks
about her cat "Boots" focus on her love of cats!
When she talks about the rising price of latex, ask
her about her fetish wardrobe (well, not on the
Here's a "dirty little secret" about the women
we date: if they're under 45, they likely haven't
read a newspaper or seen a news program in the past
year. So, you can't talk about "current political
events". To them, a current event is the release of
a new shade of lipstick. And, let's face it; you
probably aren't up to speed on this. So don't try.
Instead, learn to get HER TO DO THE TALKING. You're
going to be amazed at what a great
conversationalist YOU'LL become when she rolls on
How do you do this? By learning to ask "open
ended" questions. You read my article, so you know
what these are. If not, go back and read it again.
In fact, why not pick up a copy of my book, and get
the whole picture? It will also answer your second
So, when she starts telling you about that
"luscious" shade of lavender that Eve Whoever just
released, you ask her, "So, why does lavender work
with your skin tone?" When she tells you that Boots
scared off her last boyfriend by using his leg as a
scratching pole, ask her, "Where did you get your
love of animals?" Practice this - you can get so
good at it, you can keep her talking all night long
- right up to your bedroom!
Regarding your second question, here's my rule:
never cop to ANYTHING about your love life. Period.
Believe me, it'll come back to haunt you and no
good will ever come of it! So, here's what I do.
Now, understand, I've dated A LOT. I've had many,
many girlfriends and many more lovers. I'm not
bragging here (ok, maybe a little!) But my point is
this: I sure as hell don't want to tell any girl
about my love life, and frankly, they don't want to
hear it either.
So, when they ask about your previous love life,
do what I do. Say, "Oh, there have been HUN-DREDS!"
Then roll your eyes, smile, and go back to the
above rule - ask her about hers! Say, "What about
YOU? How many have YOU had?" (Note: women almost
NEVER tell the truth here). And let her ramble on.
After awhile this becomes a game to see how long
you can keep her going. More important, you're
gathering valuable information all the while. Use
this information to determine if SHE'S good enough
to be around YOU!
Once you master all of this, you're going to
find that your confidence will grow as well. You'll
begin to learn that YOU really can have power over
the women you date! Believe me, this isn't just a
confidence builder - it's an aphrodisiac!
Good luck, much love...
Cowboy Gets a Hoof To The
Last Saturday night I decided to go to a country
bar. As I walked to the back of the building, a
really attractive woman grabbed my arm and said
with a pretty smile "Would you please save me at
least one dance?" After a while the band was
playing a slow song and I immediately asked her to
dance. While dancing she told me that she had a
premonition from God to come to the dance hall and
the reason He gave her that premonition was He
wanted her and I to meet.
After the song was over, she asked if I'd sit
with her and her friends, and kept telling me how
happy she was that she met me. We danced several
more dances and with each one she would get closer
and closer holding me tighter each time. A girl
came in selling individual roses and I bought her
one. She told me she would never throw it away.
When it was time for the place to close, she gave
me her phone number and asked for me to call
Sunday night I called her and she told me how
great I looked to her and she was so glad that she
met me. She agreed to meet me during the week for
dinner. She said if I called her on Monday night
she would tell me what night would be good for her.
Well, when I called her on Monday, she told me that
her daughter was working late all week and she
needed to be home for her. I said that's no
Next she tells me that she's throwing a birthday
party for her Mom on this Sunday and has all this
preparation to do. I told her that I would love to
help her with it just to be able to share each
other's company. She told me she's call to let me
know. I heard nothing from her on Tuesday so I call
her Wednesday and ask her if she would still like
me to help her. All of a sudden I got the cold
shoulder. She says that she's going to handle
everything right at the local church. Now I ask her
when will I see you again? She says she doesn't
know and gave me more excuses. She told me that if
she gets an opening she'll let me know.
To make matters worse, earlier today had flowers
and a romantic note sent to her before we had a
chance to talk! I just can't believe how this
woman's emotions turned so quickly. I don't think I
have a chance anymore. I would sure like to hear
your thoughts on this one!
Well, your first mistake was going to a country
bar! Ok, I'm just kidding. Actually, I see two
fatal flaws here: 1) "Nice Guy" syndrome, and 2)
"Too Much Too Soon". Allow me to explain.
This woman was all over you like a ton of bricks
from the start. This is usually not a good sign. I
mean, why so much attention and focus so soon? Why
did she pick YOU out of the crowd? You have no way
of knowing, but SHE may be the problem - at least
in the beginning. Perhaps she just got out of a
long relationship and is looking for someone to
dump on - or someone to boost her sagging ego. You
certainly filled both of those bills! Or, maybe
she's just beautiful and crazy (check this link for
While you're there, click on the "Self Help" link
on the left-hand side for more information.
This immediate attention should have been a clue
- remember, women are relationship experts. They
spend their entire lives studying the art and
science of relationships. Because of this, they
know just how to time things to get what they want.
In this case, this woman sure got what she wanted!
So, let's examine the two fatal flaws:
1) "Nice Guy" syndrome. It's sad, but true.
Women don't go out looking for nice guys. Most are
attracted to jerks. Why? Because nice guys just
seem to be willing to do anything - like drop their
life's plans for a woman. Unfortunately, country
bars are full of these guys - it's almost a
stereotype! Take a look at those Black Angus
commercials as an example of what I'm talking about
- the simple cowboy and the beautiful woman - she
kicks hell out of him; telling him what boots to
wear, wanting to talk about their "relationship",
etc., and he plays right into like an idiot. Oh -
how cute! Oh - how insulting!!
You see, women don't look for nice guys because
they are just too ready to drop everything and jump
for a woman. The women that I talk to (and I get so
much mail from them!) all say the same things. They
want a man that is strong, confident, has a
direction, and is a contributing, participating
part of their relationships - not the guy that is
willing to change his entire life to win them. The
man that is willing to just drop everything is NOT
the man they want to hook up with. So, why are they
attracted to jerks? "The Jerk" is a man that
already has a direction - and, he won't change it
for anyone. In other words, he is self-focused and
directed. He knows where he wants to go and doesn't
mind making things fit that mold - including the
women he dates. Women find this irresistible.
You, on the other hand cleared your week
starting from the night after you met her, and were
all ready to jump into her life. She's probably
thinking, "Geez - doesn't this guy have anything
else to do?" Then, you answered this question by
being available to help her with her mom's birthday
party! This sounds like something that she'd ask
her girlfriends to do. Believe me, women prefer to
jump into YOUR life, not the other way around.
2) "Too Much Too Soon". Women spend a lot of
time thinking about their relationships. Even if
they don't have one at that particular time. They
dream of the men they crave, of how their lives
will be when they find them, etc. Women have a
built-in mechanism to help "custom fit" men into
their dreams. This is a good thing for men - if
they know how to play it. In order to take
advantage of this mechanism, you have to give her
time to use it. Not only did you call her the next
day, and the day after that (at her direction), but
when you didn't get a call the next day and called
her again on Wednesday! She just has to be
wondering why you're so desperate!
Further, you never gave her time to miss you.
She was busy with her life, and you kept
interrupting it. She never had any "down time" to
think about you - and she doesn't even have a
relationship with you yet! She'd have to wonder
what it would be like if she WERE involved with
Ok, what can you do now? Frankly, you've
probably blown her out of the water. When she gets
the flowers, that's just going to seal the coffin.
Is there any way you can prevent them from being
delivered? I'd sure try anything I could think of
to stop them, including bribing the delivery boy.
In fact, you should probably avoid her all
If you have even the remotest chance of
salvaging this situation; you're going to have to
get scarce - very scarce. Of course, you shouldn't
call her again for the next month or so. Yes, I
know that seems like a long time, but bear with me.
IF she calls, don't return her phone calls - at
least not for a week or two. Especially, don't
answer your phone on the weekend - this is what
voice mail is for! Your friends and family will
understand if you call them back. You just don't
want to appear "available" to her - you've already
made that mistake once.
If you see her at the club, here's what you
should do. Walk up to her with a "glad to see you"
look, and say "Hey - it's good to see you again!"
Then, kiss her on the forehead and WALK AWAY! Don't
try to strike up a conversation, and don't give her
time to respond. Just go find someone (anyone) else
to dance with. What if she comes up and wants to
talk to you? Try to keep it short, light and
detached. If it were me, I'd be checking out every
short skirt that walked by. By doing this you're
sending a message (in her language!), that you're
moving on, and if she wants it, SHE'S going to have
to earn it. Not only is this a better situation for
you, but it is the only situation that will work
for her. Here's a little known fact: women want to
do the chasing. Yes, I know that you've been told
that men do the chasing. After the first "Hello"
it's the woman that wants to be the aggressor.
Now, after that month has passed, you may want
to call her just to say "Hello", and check on her
mother's birthday party. If she's willing to talk
to you, try to keep it short and light - no heavy
conversations about relationships, don't ask her
out, don't tell her you'll call her, don't ask her
to call you, and for God's sake - don't compliment
her! She has to have something to shoot for. The
only point of this call is to put you back in her
mind. Then, be thankful if she calls you again
10 Signs That It's Time to
Sometimes, good things end. That's just the way
life is. Sometimes, bad things continue due to
neglect or fear. This ISN'T the way life should
I continue to tell people, the problem isn't
that there are too many divorces - there are too
many marriages! So many people hook up with
partners that are (or become) unhealthy for them,
then find that they can't bring themselves to break
it off - sometimes out of fear of being alone,
sometimes through convincing by their friends or
family, sometimes through concern of how they will
look, sometimes through simple neglect, etc.
When should a relationship break up? Simple:
when it no longer provides benefit to one or both
partners. In other words, if you aren't getting
what you want or need from being with someone, or
if you recognize that your partner isn't getting
what they want or need it's time to move on.
I've had some people say to me, "Isn't that a
little selfish - what about the person you're
dumping?" To this I answer, "How can it be good for
someone to stay with a person that doesn't want to
be with him or her? After all, how low does your
self-esteem (let alone your self-respect) have to
be to want to do this? It is by far much healthier
to go about finding the relationship that works for
you - that gives you what you need, than to
apathetically cling to something that isn't
fulfilling. Life is too short or this, and you
So, how do you know when to break off your
relationship? Here are 10 signs to watch for. Note
that most people encounter one, two or more of
these things periodically. However if they you're
finding that you experience more than a few
consistently - over a longer period, it's probably
time to move on:
10. You no longer look forward to spending time
alone with your partner. You may still have a good
sex life (or not!) but actually talking to your
partner seems like a chore. If spending time alone
with your partner seems like a prison sentence you
may be up for a parole.
9. You begin comparing your partner to
others. This is particularly true when other
people seem more appealing to you. We all find
others - often those we don't have - attractive. If
however, you find that you're comparing specific
traits - a person's voice, their neatness, they way
they carry themselves, etc., against others;
especially things your partner can't change - you
should re-evaluate your relationship.
8. You criticize or "micro-manage" your
partner If you're always concerned that your
partner's socks aren't exactly right for his pants,
or that she wears too much make-up, or that he or
she just can't seem to take their responsibilities
seriously, don't look at them - look at yourself.
People that are in love tend to look beyond minor
annoyances to the bigger picture. If you're having
trouble doing this you may want to work on your
7. You start trying to change your partner. Many
people fall in love with people that excite them,
but find that this excitement isn't good for them
in the long term. On the other hand, they may find
someone "stable" that doesn't provide enough
variety in their relationship. If you find that
you're constantly trying to convert your partner
from the person you fell in love with, it may be
time to bolt.
6. You re-connect with ex lovers It's one
thing to send an ex-girlfriend a birthday card. It
is entirely another to take her out for dinner and
a movie "just to catch up". The trick here is to be
honest about your motivations. If you had the
chance to sleep with him or her, would you? Are you
looking for approval or an ego-boost from him or
her? Have you forgotten why you broke up in the
5. His or her jokes are no longer funny Of
course, you may have heard them 1,000 times, but
people in love tend to look beyond this
repetitiveness. They see that their partner is
being humorous, not how funny something is or
4. You're doing all the giving - or all the
getting. Relationships are about mutual benefit. If
one partner is benefiting over the other, the
relationship isn't healthy. This doesn't mean that
everything should be exactly balanced. For example,
just because one partner spends $50 on a birthday
present, that the other should spend exactly that
amount. Nor does it mean that both partners should
always split a dinner check. If one person pays all
the time, and the other doesn't at least cook a few
meals, there is something wrong - and unhealthy
about the relationship.
3. You constantly find ways to include others in
your activities. Always including others indicates
that you're not looking forward to being alone with
your partner. Of course, you need time with your
friends, but if you never have private time, or the
only time you're alone is when you're having sex,
perhaps the problem is in the company.
2. Your friends no longer like being around you
when you're with your partner. Your friends
don't have to dislike your partner - perhaps they
don't like what affect your partner has one YOU!
Consider that your relationship with your friends
is at least as important in the long run as your
relationship with your partner. In fact, it may be
MORE important as they will see you as you really
are, and will be there even if he or she isn't - IF
you treat them right!
1. You no longer feel good about yourself. At
first, this seems like a strange warning sign about
your relationship, but think about how you felt
when you first hooked up with your partner. You
felt great - about yourself and your world. If this
is now lacking where it was there before, you may
want to look at your relationship.
Confidence - How to Show It
- Even If You Don't Have It
Many of the women I talk to say the same thing: of
all the things they find attractive in a man,
confidence is #1. The wise man will understand this
and use it to his advantage. If you're going to
have any level of success with women, you're going
to have to be confident, or learn to fake it. This
article will explore men's confidence - what it is,
how it appears and how to fake it.
"Confident" verses "Cocky"
To begin this discussion, let's look at the
difference between "confident" and "cocky". On the
surface, they appear to be almost the same thing -
and in fact, they come from the same place, and
hold much the same outward appearance. However, a
cocky person's subtle quirks are easily exposed by,
and a real turn-off to women - exactly the opposite
of what you want. So, how do we differentiate
confident from cocky? The difference ultimately is
the internal motivation. People who really are
confident show it easily. Those that try to appear
confident (without some coaching) come off as
Women are masters at picking up the difference,
so it's tough to disguise. But - it CAN be done!
We'll explore that in a few minutes. First, let's
look at some differences in traits between the
confident and the cocky man:
- Trait The Confident Man The Cocky Man
- Posture Comfortably erect Slouching or too
- Eyes Look right into her eyes Shifting
around - not into her eyes
- Hands Relaxed, at the sides, on table, etc.
Constantly touching something or himself
- Speech Relaxed, slow and specific Strained,
tense, choppy, fast and too loud or soft
- Talks about Her, others and things in
- Face Pleasant, easy expression Facial
"ticks" or odd expressions
- A Plan Has one! Doesn't think he needs
Of course, you want to focus on the traits shown
by the confident man, not the cocky one. The more
you think about them the easier it is to adopt
them. This is the way the mind works. It can only
hold one thought at a time and reacts to
everything. For example, if you thing about your
nose, while you're trying to concentrate on her,
you're going to start feeling it itch. So, fill
your mind with other things - things that build
So, practice being confident, and watch out for
or correct any cocky behavior.
How to Fake Confidence
1) Dress and groom yourself well Dress better
than the best-dressed person you expect to meet. If
you don't, you'll feel inferior subconsciously
which will manifest itself as nervousness
outwardly. Also, make sure you're properly groomed.
You do this for the obvious reasons just stated,
but even more important - if you're not well
groomed, you give any woman you meet a reason to
look at you more closely - and, women can be
critical enough without your help! She'll start to
pick up small details that translate in her mind
into your lack of confidence. By grooming yourself
well, (including your hair, nails, moustache and
beard, ear and nose hair, eyebrows, and having a
good shine on your shoes) you won't have to worry
about this on top of everything else.
2) Build it up from inside Confidence is very
difficult to fake, so you're going to have to help
yourself by adopting a confidence "physiology" What
does this mean? Specifically, by creating thoughts
of confidence in your mind, your body will react
and display that confidence. So many of the "quirks
of confidence" come out in very small things - like
an almost imperceptible smile from the corner of
your mouth or the brightness in your eyes. These
are all subconscious indications of confidence. You
want as many of these coming through as
First, give yourself an easy pep talk. Tell
yourself, "I look great today!" and "I feel good
about myself." These seem silly at first, but
consider that your subconscious mind doesn't know
the difference between reality and the things you
tell yourself - if you do it with conviction. Of
course, you're going to have to actually think you
DO look good, so give yourself a leg-up and dress
well, be well groomed, etc. Then, when you look in
the mirror and say you look good, your brain adds
the thought, "Yep - he's right!"
Next, run some confidence-building thoughts
through your mind. To do this, get into a
comfortable, quiet place - your living room or
bedroom is best, but even your car will do - sit
quietly for a moment and relax. Try to remember a
time that you felt totally comfortable and
confident. Try to remember the exact feelings you
had and then recreate them. Try to feel exactly
like you did when you felt calm, comfortable and
confident. Now, with these feelings in place,
imagine walking up to a woman you've never met and
saying "Hello". If you lose the feelings, go back
and recreate them and try again. Continue this
until you can keep the feelings going while
imagining talking to a new woman.
What you're doing here is programming your mind
for success. You're telling your mind in the most
direct way possible what you expect of it. It will
respond if you give it the right messages clearly
enough. Most of us spend time thinking of the worst
thing that could happen. Then, what happens? The
worst thing! Don't do this to yourself. Use your
mind to build positive experiences and
3) Remember the term "Calm Confidence" One of
the most obvious signals to a person's lack of
confidence is in their nervousness. A confident
person is usually calm and has easy, natural
gestures and mannerisms. By adopting the correct
physiology through the techniques just discussed
you will add greatly to this. However, pay
attention to your actions (but don't dwell!) and,
if you find that you're gestures become erratic or
large, play them down. Focus on the calm confidence
you're trying to show.
4) Hold a drink in your LEFT hand! First,
holding a drink (even if it's only water) gives you
something to do with your hands and prevents you
from fidgeting. This is important: always hold a
drink in your left hand - not your right! Why?
Because drinks, being cold will give your hand a
cold, clammy, wet feel - a dead giveaway to
5) Don't smoke before or while meeting someone
Many people use smoking as a relaxing activity and
falsely believe that it makes them calm. In fact,
cigarette smoke is a stimulant. If you smoke before
you meet someone your physiology will change,
giving off all kinds of signs of being nervous
- Increased blood pressure
- "Flushed" face and hands
- Constricted pupils
- Dry mouth
And a hundred other signals - any one or two of
which are enough to set off red flags in her head.
Further, it gives you "smoker's breath". Women
constantly report that bad breath is one of their
On the other hand, if you are a smoker and you
don't keep the nicotine level high enough in your
blood stream, you're going to get minor withdrawal
symptoms including the "shakes" - another giveaway.
So the answer is to have your smokes well before
you plan to meet someone. Then, brush your teeth,
use mouthwash, etc. to help eliminate the breath
problems. Your body will have a chance to even out
the nicotine levels and return you to a more
You should never smoke while you're meeting
someone new. Why not? First, there is a heavy
backlash against smoking these days - sometimes
even by smokers themselves! Having your prospective
woman complain about smoke in her face is not a
good sign. Second, holding a cigarette in a nervous
hand amplifies any shaking you may have - no matter
how minor. Third, it really doesn't look very cool
to have a burning weed hanging out of your mouth,
regardless of what the ads say!
Remember: it is never inappropriate NOT to
6) Limit the coffee, tea, sodas and other
stimulants Just like with smoking, these increase
your nervous signals. One cup of coffee may help
clear a fogged mind, but an entire pot is going to
make you wired. So too with sodas and even candy -
many contain high levels of caffeine, and should be
7) Shut the hell up! Nervous people just yammer
on about only things they know about. By being
quiet, other than to ask "leading questions" (those
that require more than just a "yes" or "no"
answer), you let her do most of the talking. Not
only does this help to conceal your nervousness, it
also gives her another focus - herself. You'd be
surprised how great a "conversationalist" you
become by letting the other person do all the
Obviously, you can't go on and on without saying
something, but don't confuse a speech with a
response. Especially when you first meet someone,
you just need to make contact and focus on your
goal - getting the home phone number. It doesn't
take many conversation tools to do this. Further,
she is probably better at talking than you are
anyway. Let some mystery help you along to your
8) Practice. Many people spend years perfecting
their crafts. Consider making a speech; very few
people are born good public speakers. However,
wouldn't it be easier to speak in public about
something you already know well rather than about
something you don't? And, wouldn't it be even
easier if you had hours of practice beforehand? Of
course! You can practice these confidence-building
techniques anytime and you'll find that they
eventually become second nature.
Making It By Faking It
Wow, what happened? Once you've faked it for a
while, you're going to find something strange -
you'll actually become confident! Certainly, your
newfound success will help here, but it is really
much more than this. Like I said before, when you
adopt a confidence philosophy, your body begins
changing it's physiology! With enough practice,
you're going to find that it becomes second nature
- not because you're getting good at faking it (you
are by the way), but your body begins to accept it
as fact! And, guess what - you actually become a
more confident person.
Your mind and body don't know what is real and
what's not. Do you doubt this? Then how do you
explain the success of commercials? By repetitive
viewing or listening, we begin to remember products
and eventually buy them. Just as well, by
repetitively changing our philosophies, and
therefore our physiologies, we are actually
changing ourselves. It makes you wonder; if a
30-second commercial can change your perception or
memory about a product, what can a 60-minute
television program change?
So, here's this article's lesson: "fake it until
you make it!"
The Value of Male
Hi Dr. Neder,
I really enjoy your articles; they help me out
quite a bit, thank you!
I have a question that concerns my friends and
my ex. I met a nice girl and we hit it off quite
well to the point we decided to see each other
exclusively. Unfortunately, things didn't work out
and after two months of trying to be
boyfriend/girlfriend, we split up and haven't
talked to each other since.
My friends got along well with my ex and they
all commented how disappointed they were that we
couldn't be together. But it got to the point that
they asked me for her phone number so they can go
out and do stuff together. I gave out her number
with reluctance but I never vocalized it at that
Now, my ex is seeing someone new and some of my
friends have met him and think he's terrific. They
don't talk about it with me directly, but when
we're in a group atmosphere or whatever they go on
and on about how wonderful this guy is.
I'll be honest. I don't like this at all! I
don't have any problems with any of ex's going out
again, but do I really have to be subject to it? Do
I have to be reminded about my failed romance all
the time? I feel like my friends are betraying me
in a way, once I spoke out and said I didn't really
want to hear about it, but they just reply to grow
up and get over it already. I feel like I'm being
compared and I'm coming out on the losing end.
Do I have a right to feel this way? I just don't
think my friends are truly acting like my
I appreciate any insight you may have.
What kind of friends are these? Not the kind
worthy of your friendship in my opinion!
What the hell are THEY thinking? They obviously
don't respect you or your friendship with them. Why
would they: 1) ask for her number; 2) spend even a
single moment with her and 3) talk about her and
her new boyfriend in front of you? It's not you
that needs to grow up - it's them.
There is nothing more important to us men than
our friends. If we treat them right, our friends
will be there through our dates, girlfriends, and
ex- (or present) wives, and they'll understand when
things go wrong as it did with this woman. Further,
our friends will be there for us when we're ready
to go "back out on the hunt" to find the next one.
They'll understand that male friends help THEM get
dates too. In my opinion, these guys have lost one
of theirs. Worse yet, they don't understand the
value of their friends.
Friendship in many ways is much more important
that a relationship with a woman. Your male friends
understand you in a way that your girlfriends never
will. They see who you are without all the added
emotionality and embellishment that women bring.
They are critical, but that criticalness helps us
to be better men. Next to our fathers, our friends
are our greatest opportunity to learn to be the men
that we are. If I were stuck in a Mexican prison
one day, I'd call my best friend to help before I
called a girlfriend!
What's the primary difference between your male
buddy and your girlfriend? You and your buddy can
sit on the couch and watch a ball game without
speaking a word for 2 hours and not think your
relationship is in jeopardy!
Here's a little rule I follow. When I first meet
a woman for the first 5-6 dates, I don't introduce
her to my friends, family, business associates,
etc. No exceptions. I see this as a reward for
being a good girlfriend and a critical step in our
relationship. I'm very interested in meeting hers
however, although I don't push her on the issue as
I respect her privacy as well. Here's a little
secret that most women understand but few men seem
to: if she can bond with your friends, she can much
more easily control YOU through them.
In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", I
talk about the value of male friends. I suggest you
pick up a copy of it and commit it to memory. Then,
pick up a copy for your friends and give it to them
with a copy of this letter. It will be your last,
magnanimous gesture to your parting friendship!
Then, find some friends worthy of you.
Good luck, much love...
How to Sell - for the Single
I am a 39-year-old mother of 4 children,
divorced and trying to find the 6 "right mate". How
do I go about not scaring men off?
Your question actually has two answers. The
first one is simple: find men that aren't scared
off by your 4 children! There are men out there
looking for ready-made families, however they
aren't the majority!
The second answer is much more complicated. If
you've seen our website, you may have come across
the article to men on dating single mothers
where I advise men to steer-clear. This isn't a jab
against single mothers. It is a warning for men
that might not otherwise know the pitfalls. Let's
face it - with 4 kids, I don't know when you have
time to date, let alone foster a relationship with
a man! This is at least a juggling act.
So, on to your question. The answer is to become
marketable! In fact, you want to place yourself
into the best possible situation. Absolutely forget
the "loves me just as I am" concept. I hear this
all too often from women - they don't want to
change or grow - they just want to find the guy
that will take them exactly like they are. Of
course, these are the same women that become bitter
and lonely in their old age. Don't do this - let me
give you an example:
Imagine the person that invents a new product.
He really believes in it for doing whatever it
does. In fact, he sticks to it without testing the
market, and just jumps right in to begin selling it
on his enthusiasm alone. Now, it may be the best
thing since sliced bread, but nobody buys it. Why?
Because it isn't packaged correctly, it's too
expensive, it's too difficult to use, it doesn't
solve a particular problem, etc., etc. So, years go
by and the guy eventually winds up in bankruptcy
because he isn't willing to fix his invention to
fit his market. Who won? Well, he got his product
out, but it didn't sell. So, his product failed,
his market never benefited, and he lost.
So many of the women I talk to are like this
guy. They don't want to change anything, and hold
on with white knuckles to things just as they are.
They expect that some man some day will find them
and love them for who they are. Maybe this will
happen, but it is a 1 in 1000 chance. You have the
added challenge of your ready-made family. In
short, if you aren't willing to change some of the
things about yourself, you're not going to find
So, what do you have to change? Since I don't
know you, I can't really say specifically. Instead,
let's look at what your "customer" wants to buy.
Then, all you have to do is become "marketable",
create a "marketing plan", and start selling your
product (you!) Here we go:
Consider your "target customer". He's a single
man, in a particular age range, of some level of
stability and is interested in a relationship.
Also, he isn't scared off by 4 kids. In fact, he
loves kids. So, what is this customer looking for?
He probably likes the idea of having a family and a
wife - or at least a girlfriend (don't worry about
the marriage thing right now). This is a woman that
makes him feel good about himself. Perhaps she's a
homebody, or maybe she's career minded. Maybe she's
looking to the best for the family as a whole, and
loves the idea of supporting him in his career.
Note, that I'm not recommending any particular
thing here - I'm only making suppositions - you
have to (get to?) decide what this man is looking
What you're trying to do here is to determine
what the man you're looking for ultimately wants.
Then, all you have to do is become that woman!
Consider this: what he doesn't want is a woman that
has no time for him; that tears down his
self-esteem; that nags him; or that just views him
as a paycheck. He wants a partner. (Believe me, men
don't want to be alone the rest of their lives
anymore than you do!) He wants a lover. He wants a
friend. He wants a teammate. Consider objectively -
what things about you match your prospective mate's
goals? Also consider, what things about you DON'T
support your his goals? You might want to enlist
the help of a trusted friend here. Have her (don't
ask a man - he probably won't know!) help you with
The other aspect of marketability is being
approachable. Do you sit with your head buried in a
paper, or with your arms and legs crossed? Do you
fail to make eye contact with people? Do you hide
off in a corner at parties? In short, you've got to
make yourself appear approachable by men. This
doesn't mean that you have to "throw yourself" out
there. Just be easily approachable - don't seem
"dangerous". Also, consider that you don't know
when you'll meet a man that piques your interest,
so always dress well when you go out.
*Your "Marketing Plan":
Most people spend more time planning their
vacations than they do their lives. Isn't this
ridiculous? You too need to spend some time
designing your life. This plan must be committed to
paper. Spend some time here and really think
through what you are looking for. We began the
process in the last section (becoming marketable),
but you need to expand on this. Consider, what does
he do for a living? Where is he from? What are his
political views? In short, you need to describe
this man to the "nth" degree - be absolutely
Once you've decided on who your man is, next
decide how you're going to go about meeting him.
Where is he? How are you going to increase your
contacts so that you and he cross paths? Exploit
every possible option you may have. Bars, health
clubs, etc., are only a very few places. Of course,
men are all over - all you have to do is be where
Your plan should also include an "educational"
element. You're going to have to learn what your
prospective man looks for in women that he
approaches. Then, you want to be that woman. There
is a ton of information here. Start collecting it
and adjusting your own persona to match. Learn to
make eye contact and to smile if you don't do this
Once you get your plan worked out - go work your
plan! You need to meet a number of men - possibly a
large number. Don't turn down any possible source
of leads. Tell your friends and your family that
you're actively seeking a partner. You'd be
surprised how well they know you and what you're
looking for. But, don't prequalify anyone. You
really don't know who's going to match your plan
until you talk with him. Also, you should use every
other tool available to you. Use the Internet -
there are a ton of singles areas on the web that
match people. Use your local area papers - many
have personals sections. Consider your work (but be
careful) - who here might match? What about your
kid's school - there are probably single parents
involved there as well. You might want to take a
class or two (try to think of where men might
You also need to learn the basic skills of
flirting. Learn to look at everyone you pass and
smile at them. These are the basic skills you need
to meet someone. Men won't approach you if you
don't look approachable. Adopt a pleasant, calm and
confident manner - this is as attractive to men as
it is to women! In short, become a student of these
skills and practice using them everyday.
I also suggest you pick up a copy of my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World". It is written for
men, but it goes into all of this in great depth
and I get reports from women all the time about how
they've benefited from it's information. Then, let
me know how things turn out.
Good luck, much love...
How To Never Be At A Loss
Do you ever get "tongue-tied" when you're talking
to someone - especially someone you're interested
in? Next to public speaking, this is the most
common fear people have. But, fear be gone! We're
going to solve this problem once and for all!
To Be a Better Speaker -
An amazing thing happens when you learn to
listen - you become a better conversationalist!
It's a fact of communications - you've got to learn
Listening is an active task - it doesn't mean
simply saying "uh huh" ever few seconds or nodding
your head. You've got to actually pay attention to
the person speaking. Why? Because you're going to
use their conversation to keep things
Also, if you're at all interested in this
person, you show it with your body language and
your ability to listen to them. If you're not
listening, this person will detect it right
Starting Conversations. How do you start a
conversation with someone that you're interested in
meeting? This is one of the most common questions I
get. People don't really just want to break the ice
without having some way to continue, as this is
There has to be some "pay off" to making the
first move. So, how do you do this without coming
off like a stalker? First, forget using a
Something like, "Did it hurt when you fell out
of heaven?" is just going to make you look foolish
and seem like you don't have anything else to say.
Your prospective dialog partner is probably going
to feel awkward as well. This isn't a good way to
Instead, find something you have in common. If
you're at a wedding, try asking the other person if
they are a friend of the bride or groom. At a
coffee house, ask this person if they've tried the
caramel latte here. At the gym ask them if they've
found a particular exercise useful.
In general, you should avoid complimenting
someone. Why? Because, when you compliment someone
you don't know, all you can focus on is how he or
she looks. "You have beautiful eyes" is a nice
thing to say, but the person has no control over
this. They we're born this way. Many people feel
uncomfortable when attention is drawn to their
appearance. Thus, avoid compliments when you first
meet someone new.
For example, at the beach, you might ask this
person, "With a tan like that, you must be a
surfer," (this isn't complimentary - it's
observational), "ever ride the waves in
To keep a conversation going, you need to learn
to ask open-ended questions. These are questions
that have more than a "yes or no" answer to them.
For example, "Hey, nice place huh?" is a
closed-ended question, begging the response, "sure,
what ever." On other hand asking, "Great place -
what do you like most about coming here?" is
open-ended. If gives the person the chance to
express their opinions.
The other key to open-ended questions is to keep
things somewhat focused. Don't expect the person
you're talking to "jump through hoops." If you meet
someone in church and ask, "So, why to YOU believe
there is a God?" you're asking too much of the
person. Try to stay more focused and keep it
simple. A better question might be, "Why do you
come to this church?"
What to Do With Lulls in a
Some pauses are natural in conversation. When
they go too long, they become uncomfortable. This
is where the art of listening really comes in
handy. If you've been listening to what the other
person has said, you have something to begin the
next round of communication.
Instead of spending nervous seconds thinking
about what you want to say to someone. Relax, and
listen to them. Use THEIR conversation to keep
things going. You can ask someone about something
they've said, and this is by far easier than trying
to come up with something on your own.
By using open-ended questions based on what they
say, you can keep a conversation going almost
forever. However, remember, this is a conversation
not an interrogation! Thus, you don't want to "pick
apart" everything someone says. Just keep it light
and easy. "Yeah - I know what you mean" can go a
Nothing is more annoying to a speaker than being
interrupted. If you don't want to have the
conversation in the first place, don't start! All
conversations have a natural "cadence" or rhythm.
This is similar to the waves at the ocean. All
surfers know that waves come in "sets". These sets
are combinations of large and small waves, and
repeat. So too, do conversations. You want to time
your interjections during the valleys of the
At the end of a set is a longer pause where the
natural rhythm of the conversation slows down. This
is the point to watch for. You can use this to ask
another open-ended question, or to "close" the
conversation (such as asking for a home
Don't Dominate The Conversation
Everyone knows people who take one deep breath
and just continue a string of sentences that lasts
an hour. They have no natural cadence to their
conversation. So, here's a checklist to keep in
mind when YOU are the speaker:
- Get a clear thought of what you want to
- Take a moment and think through the best
(usually the shortest!) way to say it.
- Say what you want.
- Pay attention! If you're the only one having
said more than a single sentence for the past 2
minutes, if your listener is getting glassy eyed
or is no longer paying attention - give it a
- Get your listener involved by asking them
what THEY think about the subject.
- Now, shut up and practice your listening
Communication with a Purpose
When you meet someone new you should have a
goal. If you're trying to get the person's phone
number then keep that goal in mind. If you're
trying to make a new friend, you've got to find
something in common. If you're just trying to pass
the time, you're approach to communication will be
When you meet someone new, try to keep your
conversations short. A comfortable timeframe is
about 2 to 5 minutes. This may seem like too little
time to make a connection, but you'd be surprised
what you can do in this time. For example, this
article is over 1100 words long, and probably took
you about this time to read it. Now, look what
we've done in that short period of time!
What Are Your Goals?
Girl-Friend or Girlfriend?
What's up Doc?
I have a friend who I've gotten very close to in
the past few months and I think I'm falling in love
with her. I haven't said anything to her about how
I feel because I'm not sure if the time is right.
You see, she was seeing this dude for a while but
have since been in a holding pattern. I don't think
they have officially "Broken Up" but I can see it
coming. I love our friendship and would hate to
screw it up by jumping the gun. Do I wait or do I
express my feelings? I feel some strong vibes that
she may be interested in me but she won't act upon
it. How can I reel this one in???
Here's a sad-but-true fact: it's easier to steal
someone else's girl than to keep your own!
Of course, this may work to your advantage, but
consider this: if, for any reason this DOESN'T work
out, you're definitely going to lose this girl as a
friend. On the other hand, women don't really make
good friends for men anyway. Why not? Because, in
most cases, women's male friends are really just
like boyfriends; she'll call to bend your ear when
she's been hurt by her boyfriend, she'll call you
to fix her car or if she needs a ride somewhere,
she'll borrow money - in short she'll treat you
just like a boyfriend - all without the sex!
Another thing to consider: While it may be
easier to steal a girl than keep one, by far the
most difficult thing is to turn a female friend
into a girlfriend. Why? Because, as her "friend"
she doesn't "see you that way". I don't care what
vibes you're getting. After all, if she is: 1)
having trouble with her current boyfriend, and 2)
she's interested in you - then, why hasn't she made
a move, or at least let you know that she's
interested? You see, women control the speed and
direction of the relationship. That's just the way
it is. Men have been falsely told that it is THEY
who do this. Wrong, my brother. Don't fall into
Ok, so are you doomed to admire her from afar?
No, but here's what you're going to have to do.
1) Get over the friendship. If you are
interested in pursing a relationship with her,
you're going to first have to give up the
friendship. If you're not willing to do this,
2) Help her see her current boyfriend's, er,
problems! Well-placed phrases like, "Gee honey, you
really don't deserve that kind of treatment!", "You
deserve so much better than that!" and "You know,
I'd never treat someone I loved like that!", etc.,
will go a long way to driving the message home.
3) You've got to change her thinking. Women
organize men into two categories: boyfriends and
everyone else. Right now, you're in the "everyone
else" category - right smack-dab where you don't
want to be! Thus, you've got to get her to start
seeing you as boyfriend material.
How do you begin item #3? Simple - start ACTING
like the boyfriend. Call her up one day and say,
"Hey - it's me. I don't know what plans you have
for Saturday night, but cancel them - I'm taking
you to a nice sunset dinner." Be somewhat subtle,
but firm. If she tells you she's got something else
planned, just repeat, "I don't care - just cancel
it and I'll pick you up at [whatever
time]." Women absolutely LOVE this bold,
powerful approach. Believe me, I get letters from
Two other points. First, don't take her to a
movie, concert or show on your first 3-4 dates. Why
not? Because you're going to use this time to talk
to her. Not as her friend, but as her lover. Find
out about her deep-down. Get to know about her
wants, her needs, etc. Find out exactly what she
DOESN'T like about her boyfriend, etc. In short -
focus on her.
The second point? Make sure you give her at
least a goodnight kiss! If you don't do this
starting with your very first date; she's going to
think you've just become the very nice friend that
takes her to dinner - and you're back to square
one. In fact, you're worse-off than before! Also,
if she balks, she's telling you that she doesn't
see you this way. Again - two choices: accept it
and get scarce - give her time to miss you and
hopefully time to begin seeing the possibilities;
or begin working to counter her reluctance. Say
things like, "I understand you don't see me this
way YET - but I know you very well, and this will
be the cornerstone of our relationship."
Good luck, much love
It's Never Too Late To
I am 39, never married, and rarely dated. I am
trying to get on my feet career and finance wise,
but it is hard because I don't date or look
aggressively enough to satisfy my semi-superiors in
the corporate world. I want a relationship, but I
am not out going enough.
While there are some people that are "naturally
outgoing" most of us have to work on it. You are
right to associate some outwardness with dating, as
there is a direct relationship between them. We'll
explore this in a moment so bear with me.
First, let's talk about what women want. Not
what "popular opinion" says they want, but what
they really want. Through my book, "Being a Man in
a Woman's World", I get a lot of mail from readers
- both from men AND women. The women continue to
tell me the same things - they want men that are
confident, strong and have a solid direction.
The problem with "popular opinion" is that it is
based on the wrong questions. We hear all the time
that women want good-looking, wealthy men with
large penises. These are based on questions like,
"Is a man's attractiveness important to you?" What
a stupid question! Of course it is, but it doesn't
ask the two most important aspects of the question;
1) "HOW important are looks to you?" and 2) "WHAT
do you find MOST attractive in a man?" Thus, most
men are confused about just what women really
This all began with a "feminization" of society
- about 35 years ago. You and I have been through
that period when we "thought" that women wanted
"sensitive" and "caring" men. Too many of us still
believe this, but let me say my female readers
don't agree. Women don't want men that are
"feminized" - that's why they have girlfriends!
Ok, so what about you? I have asked hundreds of
women this question: "What do you find MOST
attractive in a man?" They continue to tell me the
same thing: CONFIDENCE. Could it really be that
simple? The answer of course is "yes and no". Women
look for confidence in the initial approach. As
you're already aware, it is our (men's)
responsibility to make this first contact. Thus, if
you carry yourself with confidence and act as
though you EXPECT a woman to be thrilled to meet
you, she will be! Note that I said "confidence" and
not "cockiness". There is a fine line, but cocky
men turn-off women.
Calvin, you first need to work on an approach
but it's easy to get started. Begin by simply
making eye contact with everyone you encounter.
Don't worry if they seem to "look through you" -
their reaction isn't important. You're only trying
to establish a pattern of success here. Once this
feels comfortable add a simple smile. Next, when
this begins to feel comfortable, add a "hello". As
you practice these skills, they become ingrained
and feel begin to natural. At this point you are
ready to begin meeting women because these are the
skills you need - making eye contact, smiling,
saying hello - and doing it with ease and
Along with your career goals have you set any
relationship goals? Most people spend more time
planning their vacations than they spend planning
their lives. In my book, I cover this planning
process in depth and highly recommend that you pick
up a copy of it then commit it to memory. It also
covers many other aspects of dating that you're
going to need including communications, meeting
women, and "handling your success" which discusses
problems between your new mate and the rest of your
Get started today - believe me, you'll be
surprised at how easy it all really is! But, if you
don't do something today, tomorrow will be the
same. If you don't do something this week, next
week will be just like this one, etc. So, get going
- you can do it!
Moving In Together
This week, let's explore the issues involved in
moving in with your significant other.
Some people view this as a prelude to getting
married; others see it as a natural "next step"
without a further goal. Either way, this is a big
commitment on the part of both parties. Of course,
I'm talking about setting up house as a couple, not
simply sharing housing costs as roommates.
Before you just jump right in and set-up house,
you'd better consider what you're really doing
here. Moving in together is just like getting
married without the format commitment. This is a
big step - one you shouldn't take lightly. Just
like you shouldn't jump into a marriage, you
shouldn't jump into living together.
There are many good reasons to move in together
- security, finances, emotional support, etc.; but
the primary reason should be to take your
relationship to that next level. Many couples do
this as a precursor to getting married - something
of a "test drive". In fact, I can't imagine why
anyone would get married to someone that they
haven't lived with first.
Consider, however that statistics show there is
a slight increase in the likelihood of divorce
among couples that live together before marriage. I
believe that this is because many couples find that
they aren't as compatible as they first thought,
and go ahead with the marriage anyway because that
was the goal of moving in together in the first
If a couple's goal of moving in together is to
test a possible marriage, this should be a clear
understanding up front. There should be goals and
each partner should have the freedom to say that
they are or aren't comfortable getting married.
This doesn't mean that the relationship has to
break up however! Many relationships work just fine
when they aren't constant live-in's. This needs to
be understood up front. Just because you can't live
with someone doesn't mean that you can't love him
or her - and continue seeing each other from
How to Get Started
So, how do you go about setting this up? First -
TALK! I've seen too many couples that just agree to
move in together like roommates and then try to
work out the details after the move. Don't do this!
Both you and your lover deserve the luxury of
having the details worked out in advance. Spend
some time, and commit your agreements to paper (see
below for some links that may help here). This
doesn't have to be a formal, notarized document -
just something you can refer to now and in the
future when questions arise - and they WILL
Next, consider your present situation. If one or
both of you own a home, you may want to rent one or
both of them out and establish a "neutral ground"
for the new relationship. On the other hand it may
be preferable to move into one home and sell the
other. Consider all the factors in making this
decision: length of time left on the mortgages or
leases, the monthly payments, upkeep costs, taxes,
size and age of the home, condo or apartment, and
of course; location, location, location!
Next, consider your possessions. If you're
moving into one partner's place, it isn't
reasonable for the partner moving to just throw
everything away and move in. There is going to have
to be some type of "merger" of property. What isn't
brought into the new home may be placed in storage.
Further, things that were there before the move-in
may also be put in storage to make room for the new
things. The key to making this work is compromise
from both partners. Few people want their things
removed, or to have to do without things they are
used to. So, find a balance that works before the
Before all this happens, both partners should
mark their things so that they know who owns what.
I recommend that you both create written
inventories of what you have - including what is
going into your "love nest", what is going into
storage, and what is being sold or given away. Yes
- I know this isn't very romantic, but consider
what you're really doing here - you're creating a
business relationship as well as an emotional one.
Both things that will be brought into the house as
well as things that will be stored should be
marked. If you have duplicate things (which is
quite likely), you may want to have a garage sale
or simply give them away. Remember however, that if
things don't work out, you're going to want to have
them back or replace them.
Frankly, there are too many other possible
issues to consider than can be listed in a single
article. However, some of the things you should
decide up front include:
- Who is responsible for what chores?
- What about kids - those that live with you
and those that visit?
- What about pets - if both people have pets,
are they compatible?
- Who decides on decorating?
- What about space and closet needs?
- Will you have separate telephones,
- What about office space? If one or both of
you work from home, you may need to separate
- What about privacy? Moving in together
doesn't mean that you have to open up every
possible aspect of your life.
- What about solitude - most of us need some
"alone time" just to remain sane.
Moving in together is as much a financial
consideration as it is an emotional one. One
partner usually earns more than the other, and may
be expected to cover a larger share of the
expenses. This is fine, but there is likely to be
some expectation of return from the partner
contributing less - usually in household work.
What about bank accounts? You might want to
check with an accountant and/or attorney to decide
what works best for your particular situation.
However, I strongly recommend that you don't merge
all of your accounts into joint accounts. If one or
more joint accounts make sense for your particular
situation, you may want to keep your existing
accounts and create one or two others: a checking
account (for paying bills) and a savings/investment
account. Then both partners contribute their share
into the account(s) from which bills are paid,
investments made, assets are purchased, etc.
Correcting the Mistake
Oh brother! This is much more difficult than
making the initial decision to move in together!
Thus, it is much better to have not done it in the
first place. Of course, that piece of wisdom
doesn't help you much if you've already done it.
So, let's look at the things you need to know:
Moving out can be just as traumatic as getting a
divorce - especially if you've been together
awhile. Consider, that you've probably purchased
things together, have joint bills, and possibly
joint bank accounts. All of these have to be split.
Further, at least one partner has to move (possibly
both partners), and set-up a new home elsewhere.
And, of course, there is all the emotion
During the time you've been together, you've
both enjoyed a number of benefits - probably two
incomes, two people supporting the household, two
people paying the bills, etc. Usually, one partner
makes more than the other and contributes more
financially. Sometimes, the other partner makes up
for this by performing additional work. Sometimes
however, this isn't the case - and most times, both
partners feel that they have contributed more than
I recommend that you forget all of this and
concentrate on the process of the splitting up the
household. Consider that the person moving is going
to need funds to get set-up again. How you split
your assets is up to you, but I suggest this: be
generous in the giving, meager in the expecting,
and appreciative in the receiving. Yes - easier
said than done, but it will go a long way to
getting this split finished. If you're still going
to stay together as a couple after all this, it
will probably be much simpler than if you're
breaking up the relationship. Remember: you got
together in the first place. There was something
you saw in the other person. Concentrate on the
benefits you've both gained and try, try to make it
easier on your partner - they deserve at least this
Also, don't bring friends into this breakup.
They will be traumatized by it all anyway. There is
no need to make it more difficult for them (and
ultimately for yourself). You may want to ask them
to help you move, but don't expect them to hate or
dislike your (ex-)partner. They will have probably
established a relationship with this person, and
deserve the same respect for it, that they have
given you. In short, don't try to pit your friends
against your ex.
Moving in with your lover is a tricky,
problematic event. Unfortunately, love isn't enough
to make it work. Consider my 7 "P's": "Proper,
prior planning prevents piss-poor performance". I
know it isn't romantic, but I strongly urge you to
create a "Cohabitation Agreement". This doesn't
have to be 50 pages long, nor cost you thousands in
attorney fees. Here are links to a couple of simple
ones on the Internet: (or do your own search if you
You may want to download one or both of these
documents and modify them to suit your needs. After
you've set the "ground rules", you might want to
have a lawyer review it to make sure that it will
continue to protect you and your partner.
There is a wealth of information on the web
about the issues I've discussed in this article.
You might want to go to your favorite search engine
and look for web pages that discuss "Cohabitation"
or "living together" and see what you can find. As
long as both partners have a good understanding of
the other's goals and expectations in moving in
together, the possible pitfalls, and the benefits,
this can be one of the most wonderful experiences
of your life.
© 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Other Relationship Issues,