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Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love,
relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer
all letters. Write E-Mail
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
At a Loss For Being
Selfish Hello, I'm having some trouble here and would appreciate any advice you have. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, he is my first and only boyfriend, and I am his first and only girlfriend. During our 6 years together, he was nothing but sweet, loyal, passionate, and adoring of me. He was very committed to me but I was always scared of commitment and told him that getting a career is more important than getting married. I have left him twice in the past for another guy, out of stupidity and temptation, and last year I left him for another guy for 8 months. Each time I did this, he begged for me to take him back, and when I did come to my senses and come back, he would play hard to get and act like I had to beg for him. 3 months ago, I left him to move to the other end of the country, something that hurt him terribly. I stayed there for 2 months and for the first month; he would call me everyday and tell me he loved me. Then, once I decided to return because I missed him so much and was finally ready to settle down with him, he told me that he needed some time apart to be on his own and get his businesses in order and he wanted to be single and with his buddies and he stopped calling me. Now I am back in my hometown and he is still not calling me. I will call him once in a while to say "Hi" but he hardly returns my calls. We decided to meet up and watch a hockey game recently, and then 2 days later, he flaunts this new girl he's seeing in my face at a bar, and I got angry with him. Now, he acts very cold and without feeling, like he's put his feelings aside and he's put up a wall. In 1 month, he has transformed into the absolute opposite of who he has always been. I spilled my heart and soul out to him, telling him that I will do anything to make this relationship work, but he brushes it off. Now he's seeing some other chick, which is 35 years old, (he's 24). He says he loves me, and he keeps asking why it was ok for me to do this last year and why I can't let him move on. I know that he is speaking out of pain and hurt, but he won't even talk to me about what's happening. The worst part is how disrespectful he is to me when he's in public with his friends. He ignores me like I'm just some girl he was seeing for a month or so, and if he knows that I will be at a certain bar, he will show up with that woman, and flirt with her and dance with her right in front of me. I try to ignore it, but I always end up leaving the bar in tears. I don't understand how and why he is treating me this terribly. It's one thing to want to break up, but still be respectful to me, and it's another to completely humiliate me over and over again. I know I need to stop calling him, but I don't want him to think I don't care for him anymore. How can he go from a 6-year relationship to another girl in 1 month? Can you explain to me his sudden behavior because he's not telling me anything? Should I stay away from the places he hangs out? And most importantly, what's the best way for me to proceed in order to leave things open for reconciliation? I want him back so bad, I gave up everything out west to come back home to him and he knows this. I just want to spend the rest of my life making him feel as special as he made me feel for the last 6 years. Please help, I don't want to make the wrong moves and hurt this situation anymore than it has been. Is there any salvation for this relationship and will he snap out of this coldness and tell me what's going on? Thank you so much for listening. Hello! Please tell me you're kidding me - right?
Let's see here. You had a terrific relationship
with a caring, loving guy but it wasn't very
important to you, so you left him and started
seeing other guys. Then, you even left town and
moved all the way across the country. Now, you're
back and you want to be with him again, but you're
hurt because he won't be the same, lovely,
wonderful guy he was because you kept dumping all
over him. What in the hell are you thinking anyway?
I'm surprised he even talks to you at all! The only
reason I can think of for it is that he is so
inexperienced that he doesn't know that there are
women out there that WILL treat him properly and
with respect. I don't care how much he wanted the
relationship in the past; frankly, you don't
deserve him! What could you ever do now that would
make for the way you've treated him? He's being far
nicer to you than you deserve in my opinion. If
you'd done this to me, I would never talk to you
again - ever. At least he'll talk to you. This
might be a good time to go sit by yourself for a
while and think about what you really want in your
life. Your actions here border on abuse and if you
ever want someone of quality in your life again,
someone that loves you, and cares for you, you'd
better get yourself straightened out. A person like
this is a treasure that you earn. You got lucky the
first time, but don't expect it to happen again.
With a LOT of work on your selfish self, you may
get another chance in the future with someone else.
Get started right away. Best regards... Speak Up! - Getting What You
Want in Bed (for Women) I get a lot of reader mail. Much of it from women, complains about how men don't know how to please thier girlfriends. I always have the same response - what have YOU done about it? Too many women feel that men should "just know" how to please a woman in bed. This is just plain rediculous! I'm convinced that there is no such thing as a "natural born lover". Making love is a skill that is learned (for both men AND women by the way - very few women are really good lovers - men just happen to be less picky about most of it!) Further, every woman is a brand new classroom. Often, the things that worked for one woman don't work for another. Here's the reality: if you aren't getting what you want from your partner - it's YOUR fault and YOUR responsibility! Why Women Don't Tell Many women feel that "coaching" their partners would hurt their egos; and for some this may be true. If so, you may have to be more careful, but you don't have to put up with a lousy lover! You can broach the subject easily by first asking him what HE wants. As he's telling you, make mental notes - you can use the help too, believe me! Women are NOT natural lovers either. Many, many women just lay there waiting to have things done to them and then claim that they really know how to please a man. Sorry sister - it ain't necessarily so! After he's given you the litany of things he likes, feel free to tell him that you have things you want too. He'll understand and probably want to know more - much more! If he doesn't, what are you doing with him in the first place? Other women feel that he "should just know." How's he going to know what you want if you don't tell him? Should he just try everything until he happens upon the thing you really want? That's just stupid. What man is going to spend all that time trying everything, getting shot down on most of it to try to find what you want? If you take this approach, don't be hurt or surprised if he brings home another woman to try a threesome - just in case that's what you want! Many times, I've asked lovers what they do and don't like in bed. The most common answer is, "oh, I like just about everything!" Hogwash! When a man asks you this, he isn't interested in your "range" of sexual interest - he really wants to know what things you enjoy. You should be thrilled if your lover askes. Many don't know that they should! If you don't know the answer to this question yourself, you've got some work to do. If You Don't Say It, Don't Expect It! If he hasn't found your hot button(s) and you haven't told him about them he isn't going to know. Period. You've got to speak up! Women's sexual response is rather more complicated than men's. Sure, it's easy for YOU to know what YOU want - but not for him. You've got to drop your guard a little and let him in on the secret. Again, you don't need to be concerned by what you say - he's probably going to be really into anything you come up with. Men are almost always willing to try new things. As one of my female friends says, "That's why I like men - my fantasies are their playground!" Don't Be Ashamed or Afraid Women, you'd be surprised by how open your man probably is to new ideas. Want to be tied up and ravished? Most men would jump at the chance! Would you like to get better oral sex? Most men are very willing to help. Is he too fast or too slow? Why not say so - but do it in a sensitive, caring way with the goal of improving your sex life. I have a friend that that had a fantasy about being a slave girl on a ship. She told her boyfriend who, a few months later rented a sailboat (he was an avid sailor), and, on a warm summer day, sailed her to the middle of nowhere, lashed her to the mast, stripped her and ravished her - more than fullfilling her fantasy (and starting a bunch more!) In fact, it was so good for her, she still can't stop telling the story to just about anyone that will listen! Your man is probably very interested in what turns you on, so frankly, you have very little (if any!) risk in telling him. Don't Expect Him to Jump Through Hoops When you tell him about yours, don't set the bar too high. Some women's fantasies are quite complex, involving props, sets, lighting, etc. For example, if you've always wanted to join the "mile-high club", don't expect him to rush out and get his pilot's license so that he can fulfill your fantasy. If you really want this fantasy to come true, and the bathrooms on those commercial flights are just too cramped, YOU may have to get YOUR pilot's license, or be more creative! You may have to help him along. Oral sex is a good example. Simply telling him you like it isn't going to get you oral the way you want it. He's likely to just dive right in. He probably doesn't understand the kind of build-up you need before getting that most inimate of kisses. Take some time and make him understand. This is the time to be specific about things - after all, it's your satisfaction we're talking about here! If You Don't Know, You Can't Tell It Do you fantasize? Almost every women asked this question by her man say's "no", as though it would make her a slut or something if she did. The fact is, almost everyone fantasizes - and does so regularly. Whether it's while having sex or masturbating, sitting in class or at work, driving in your car, or whatever - fantasizing is common - very, very common. So, drop the embarrassment and fear! There is nothing wrong with fantasizing - in fact most psychologist feel that it is a normal, healthy way of exploring your own sexuality. One of the reasons why women are reluctant to
discuss they needs in bed is that many of them
simply don't know themselves. Whether through
repression, embarrassement, fear, bad experiences,
or whatever, many women never allow themselves to
explore their sexual side. I have to wonder what
these women are waiting for! There is little that
makes a person feel so alive as sex. You are as
deeply "inside" as you can get as well as outside
at the same time. Why waste this tremendous gift? I
can tell you that your lover doesn't want you
to! More on Dating Two (or more)
Women at a Time Dear Dr., I really learned a lot from your article entitled "Dating Two (or More) women at the Same Time". I have a few questions though and I'd really appreciate it if you could give me some advice on this. I recently started dating a woman. I like her but I know she's not the woman for me in the long run. She's concerned and tells me she really doesn't want to see me with other women. She teases me by implying I have all kinds of women that are interested in me (which isn't true). When this happens, I'm really not sure what to say. I don't want to hurt her feelings, nor seem like my life is revolving around just her or that I don't have any options. When she says this, I just smile and tell her how cute she is. How would you handle this? Although I don't have much experience in dating two or more women at the same time, I would like to. At least until I find one I really want to commit to. While I have learned a lot, I'm still basically a nice guy (but no longer a pushover) and I really don't want to lie to the women I date. Several of my friends feel that the right thing to do is to tell each woman up front that I do date other women so I can never be accused of lying to them, deceiving them, or setting myself up for them going Psycho on me. What is your opinion on this? What's the best thing to say? What's a guideline on when this conversation should take place? When I get a call at home, or on my cell phone from another woman, how should I handle it? How should I address the caller and how should I word it when I have to say Where I'm at and with whom? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much! Hello! First, you need to realize that this
woman is trying to make you responsible for her
insecurity. In other words, by implying all that
about other women, she's setting you up to knock
you down. She senses that you're not as committed
to her as she wants so that if she finds you're
dating other women, she can come back and say tell
you what an asshole you are, and "How dare you take
advantage of her trust like that!", etc., etc. You
need to realize that you are NOT responsible for
her emotional well-being - even if you care for
her. She is an adult and is the only one with that
responsibility - she cannot deny it, give it away,
or simply expect anyone else carry this
responsibility. Women do this all the time however.
In the very language she uses, she thinks that she
can guilt you into being only with her. My brother,
not only are you NOT responsible for her
insecurity, you are not obligated to uphold her
expectations (or wishes) for you out of any sense
of duty, honor or responsibility - as long as you
haven't lied to her. I believe that a man's word is
his bond. So, don't agree - even under duress - to
only dating her. Instead, do just what you've been
doing. Treat it as funny, while realizing that you
have your own path, and she has hers. If you DO
meet other women you want to date, for God's sake -
DON'T TELL HER and DON'T LET HER FIND OUT! Many men
do this: they leave little clues around for a woman
to "discover", and believe me; she's looking
constantly for them. She'll notice even small
things like a different color hair in your car! Not
only would it get very messy if she found anything
incriminating, but frankly if you do care about
her, don't set her up to be hurt. You have
responsibilities in dating multiple women, so be a
man, and do what you have to do to protect her
along with yourself. As well, don't get backed into
a corner and become forced to lie to her, or worse,
over commit. Decide that if she DOES back you into
a verbal corner, making you state that you either
are or are not dating someone else, that you'll
have a plan on what to say. Here's what often
happens: a woman will build an artificial situation
that you'll have to deal with, (this, by the way is
called "The Test" - see my book, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World" for more on this), then it will
result in some anger or hurt on her part, (don't
worry, this is all part of The Test). However,
she's going to turn this around into something
where you have to jump through an emotional hoop.
Women do this because they know intuitively that us
men are usually not ready to handle it. Thus, we
can only do one of two things: lie or over commit.
You, my brother, have to be ready for this and deal
with it cleanly and quickly. Always remember that
you have no specific agreement with her to be
monogamous, or to not date other women. Nor will
you make such an agreement! If you get backed into
a corner, you've got to pull this out of your hat
and be ready. Simply state it clearly, plainly, and
without emotion, "I'm sorry, we have no agreement
to be exclusive, and I'm not ready to make one." Be
clear and to the point. As to when this
conversation should take place, realize that she is
going to assume that you're a monogamous couple far
earlier than you will. That's why she's setting you
up right now! She's trying to imply that you are
exclusive, and if you fall into this trap, she's
going to have ammunition if you aren't, so don't
let that happen. Instead, just keep doing what
you're doing - ducking the punches. If you get a
call anywhere from another women when you're with
her, just say on the phone, "I'm sorry, I'm busy
right now and can't talk to you right now." Then,
claim to her that work called, or one of your
buddies, and that you "...wanted to give your
entire attention to her right now..." Even better,
don't carry your cell phone, or answer your home
phone when you're with her. In fact, turn your
answering machine to silent unless you're by
yourself. Vince, believe me, you have the right to
handle your relationships however you want. Beyond
the commitments you've made to her, your time and
freedom are yours. You just have to do some extra
planning and organizing if you want to be
successful at dating multiple women. Best
regards... Why Are Men Obsessed With
Porn? Hi, I need to understand why some men have are overly obsessed with porn. Is it that he is imagining he is having sex with them? Please tell me it like it is! Thank you Hello! Wouldn't it be nice if there were a one-sentence
answer to that question? The fact is it is rather
more complicated. However, let me try to help you
understand. To understand this, you have to know
one important key about men: men are NOT monogamous
by nature. This isn't my fact by the way; it was
here when I arrived! It is actually one of the
reasons why humans have been so successful a
species! You see, in any animal species where there
are few offspring born, and the infant mortality
rate is high (as it is with gerbils, whales, dogs,
giraffes and humans), the males are "wired" to seek
multiple females for mating. This is how they help
to insure that their genes get passed on to the
next generation. Interestingly, females are
programmed to "pair bond" - that is, to try to
create and sustain a monogamous relationship! By
having a second adult around to protect, gather
food, and raise their young, this is how females
help to insure that THEIR genes get passed along as
well! In actuality pair bonding is a relatively new
thing to humans - we've only been doing it for
5,000 years! Since we've been on this planet, (6
million years), we've been doing it "nature's way"
for 99.92% of the time we've been here! So, what
does this have to do with porn? You see, men
(males) are compelled to try to mate with as many
women (females) as possible. However, they want to
try to meet the expectations of society by staying
in committed, monogamous relationships too. Thus,
porn becomes a safe outlet for men's natural
instincts. By viewing porn, they satisfy their
programming while maintaining their commitments to
their women. You shouldn't be threatened by your
man viewing porn any more than he should be
threatened by you reading romance novels! In fact,
it's his way of dealing with his natural
programming; just as expecting him to be monogamous
and committed to you is yours. Let's talk about the
monogamy part, as it is important to your implied
question. As I mentioned, men are not monogamous by
nature. BUT - we can CHOOSE to be. So, don't try to
force your man to be monogamous - you're just going
against nature, and his natural programming, and
you know what happens when you try to fight nature
- nature wins! Instead, simply be the woman for
whom he chooses to be monogamous! Best
regards... Hi Doc, Hello, I have a question for you. Back in July 2000, I met this girl from Germany. She was an exchange student that my uncle hosted for a whole year. My uncle lived in California and brought her back home. When I saw her I couldn't believe it. I felt like I knew her before I even spoke to her. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever met. I took her for a walk one night and tried to tell her just how I felt but I couldn't find the words to say. The way I feel is absolutely indescribable. She told me that she really likes me a lot but not exactly the same as I liked her. The night before she left to go back to Germany I stayed up the entire night writing. Then I gave all 21 pages to her just before she left. It told her to never forget me and explained how I felt about her. Later in an email, she told me that it made her almost cry. Everything I told her was straight from my heart and usually I am shy around most girls, but with her I felt like she was easy to talk to and easy to approach. For the first time in my life I actually found something very special. Then the fall of 2001 came and my uncle was killed in an accident. She called me and told me she was coming. She flew all the way from Germany to be with my family and me. That's the kind of person she is. When she came I held her close told her how special she was to me. I think she understood a little better about how I feel. I am in college now with a German/Business major, and she is going to a German University - the same university that I'll go to during my year of study abroad. Someday I hope to be working there in Germany. I'd give up anything for this girl. She's so special and I had the thought of asking her to marry me running through my head, but I know that she's not ready for that. I respect her enough to not rush things. She told me she doesn't feel so strongly about me as I do for her. I honestly believe if we spent more time together things would grow between us. We are already close but I think we could get A LOT closer. I think she is afraid of the distance between us right now. I have thought about nobody else as far as girls in 2 going on 3 years. Now I think there has to be something there. In fact I feel just as strongly about my feelings as I did when we first met in 2000. Let me know what you think and be honest about it. THANKS!!!! Hello! Ok my brother, honesty is what you're going to
get. You've got nothing but problems with this
"relationship" and in fact it is all in your mind.
She has so much told you that she isn't interested
in you, even if she is a very, very nice person.
You can't love her enough to make her love you
back. She has to want this for herself, and she has
told you that she doesn't. My brother, you're in
college. This is the time you should be growing
your experience with girls and instead, you're in
love with someone half way around the world. Who
knows how many perfect women you've passed by
waiting for someone that you'll never have? Whether
you're in your town or hers makes no difference,
you're not in her heart the same way she is in
yours. Understand this, I've been exactly where you
are right now. I fully understand what you're going
through, but you've got a delusional situation
going on. You've got to come to grips with the fact
that you're not going to be with this girl in the
way you want. That is a fact. As soon as you get it
into your head, you can start healing, but not one
minute before. I'm sorry if this letter is harsh,
but you need a real dose of reality. There is no
magic in love; in fact, in it's most clinical
sense, it is just a chemical process going on in
your brain. The good news is that you can deal with
it, get over it, and save it for someone that DOES
want the same thing you do. And, that person will
come along too - you just have to be open to her
when she appears. Good luck, much love... Hi Doc, I have heard about the "G spot", but I don't know where it is. How do I stimulate it? I would very much appreciate some guidance on this issue. thank you! Hello! Not everyone even believes that the "g-spot"
exists. I do however, based on my experience, and
most women agree with me on this. The "g-spot", (or
"Gaffenburg Spot"), is an anatomical structure
located inside the vagina, usually about an inch to
2 inches inside. If the woman is lying on her back,
it is located on the top wall of the vagina. You
can find it by inserting one or two fingers into
the vagina with you palm facing up, and curling
your fingers upward to point back at you. (Be sure
to have your nails trimmed!) What you'll find is a
"fleshy" area roughly about the size of a quarter
that has very specialized nerves, much like the
clitoris. Many women report that this spot
generates huge orgasms - even "female ejaculations"
- a very good thing. One way to really work a woman
is you insert your finger into her vagina and
stroke this area, or move your finger in and out
while applying pressure to this area, and lick her
clitoris at the same time. Keep in mind that every
woman is different. Some are so sensitive that they
can't take this much stimulation, and others
absolutely need it. Ask your girl what she prefers,
and experiment! Good luck, much love... Hello, I would like your opinion about an approach I plan on using on a girl. She is very hot, but of course I wasn't going to tell her the say thing most guys do, ("Oh!, Your so beautiful.") I realize that it is best to NOT shower girls with compliments, but I do want to get her interest, and make her think I make her feel special. Actually, I want a lot more than that, but I think you get what I'm saying. She is a hairdresser, and she says she "adores life and never loses optimism". I was going to compliment her hair, saying that she looked like a queen with her hair like that (she had it done up in a fancy do), and that perhaps she'd look even more elegant with it down by saying, "It reveals the lustrous color of your hair. You have very beautiful hair." She describes herself as a "common girl", so that might add a different twist to the compliment that she looks like a queen with her hair like that. I figured this is a meaningful compliment that she will appreciate, since she is a hairdresser and obviously cares a lot about her hair, and that it won't come across as bland like "You're so pretty." Hopefully it will create some interest and attraction - and at the same time I am not making myself appear desperate by making it sound like I would do anything in the world to sleep with her. I was also going to say, "You seem to have an equally beautiful outlook on life. I can tell this not only because you mentioned it, but because of your warm smile. I bet you could brighten a dark room and make a sad person happy to be alive". Again, I'm trying to avoid sounding like I am drooling over her. Does it sound obvious that I am complimenting her hair because she is a hairdresser, and her smile because she said she never loses optimism? Perhaps I am missing something. Perhaps these are lame compliments, and maybe they are a bad idea. I'd appreciate your honest opinion please. Hello! You're absolutely right about compliments - DO NOT give them. Every guy does that and every girl is wary to it. Further, if she's an "attention whore" you're just going to play right into her game. Along that line, I'd absolutely avoid the "queen compliment". This isn't a powerful position to come from. Could you imagine James Bond, or Tom Cruise's character in "Top Gun" using something like this? Of course not! You want an approach that is direct and powerful, not weak. You should ALWAYS stay away from complimenting someone's physical features. After all - they didn't do anything to get them - they were born with them. Thus, this is always the weakest position to take, and is seen as such by women. As well, I'd stay away from her hairdo - one of the other hairdressers probably gave it to her! If you absolutely must compliment her (I still recommend against this), do it in an off-handed way. Here are two examples: 1) Say, "You look like you have an evil side to you! [pause] Are you into something dark, or is that just how you protect your soft side?" This will get the conversation going so that she can tell you about her - always a good thing. 2) Say, "You know, you seem like a nice person to date, but you're a little older than most of the women I send time with!" Let's look at this last one. Here's what is going on: the reason why you can use this is that it is a pseudo-compliment, but a challenge at the same time. "Older than" is a challenge to her. You see, you've already told her that you'd consider dating her and that she will have to seem "younger". This is what you want to do - give her something to strive for! You'd be surprised how often this works. Of course, with both of these "approaches" you're going to have to have something behind them. In the first case, you'll need to be ready for her to say either "Yes, I do", or "No, I do not" and have somewhere else to go with it. You can finish up with, "You seem like a very interesting lady. Give me your home phone number and I'll call you sometime for a drink to continue this." With the second, you also want to "close". Here's an example: regardless of what she says, or even if she gets indignant, just say, "Well, ok - I'll tell you what. Give me your home phone number, and I'll call you sometime and you can see if you can prove that you're really younger than you seem." My brother, it's not just in the approach, it's in the close too. Never use a compliment as an approach - it sends the wrong message, and makes you look weak. For more, check out "Being a Man in a Woman's World". Good luck, much love... Doctor: Does a cheating man ever change? Is "Once a cheater always a cheater?" true? If you take him back will he be faithful to you from now on? Hello! If you've read any of my other articles or my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", you know that I don't believe in the word "cheating". This is because, by it's very definition, EVERY man is a "cheater". The word doesn't really describe the situation properly. You see, by nature's design, (not mine) men are not monogamous in the first place. In any animal species where few offspring are born, and the infant mortality rate is high (as it is in tigers, squirrels AND humans), males are pre-programmed to try to have sex with as many females as possible in order to pass on their genes to the next generation. The concept of "pair-bonds" is actually a very new feature of our society! If you consider that humans have been on this planet for about 1.6 million years, (some scientists are beginning to think it's actually much longer - about 7.5 million years!), and we've been pair-bonding only for about 5,000 years, that means that we've been doing things a different way for fully 99.69% of the time we've been here! So, what does that have to do with your question? This: it gives you a great tool to help your situation. You see, while men aren't monogamous, we can CHOOSE to be! In fact, many do. So, here's the key to your situation: simply be the women for whom your man chooses to be monogamous! Many "relationship experts" use this "once a cheater, always a cheater" statement because they don't really understand the situation. Consider, that infidelity happens in many relationships. That doesn't mean that the male (or female for that matter) is always going to cheat. For many it's a one-time thing. Most often it occurs because the person is looking for something they are not already getting. I don't know the situation in your particular relationship, but I know this: your man can choose monogamy over polygamy if he wants to - many, many men do. He just has to have the right motivation to do so. So, the question becomes this: what does it take for him to be monogamous? I don't know the specific answer, and right now, neither do you. That doesn't mean that you can't know it however. Consider that if you become the woman that gives him everything he wants in his relationship, he's not going to be looking elsewhere to have it fulfilled. How are you going to know what these things are? Ask him! But, when you ask him, don't just sit down and say, "Ok, tell me all the things I have to do to keep you from cheating." You're not going to get anywhere with this. Instead, strive to understand him and his needs. Get to know what things he finds important in himself and in his relationship. Then, all you need to do is simply adopt these things within yourself. Good luck, much love... Doc: There's this girl at school who is a real knockout. She and I really hit it off, and I want to ask her out on a date. I've given that up now however. There's another guy that's really good looking and smooth that's been spending time with her. I used to be quite close with her, and now it feels like he's taken her away from me, and I'm too shy to compete with this guy. Is there anything I can do? Hello! If you're too shy, then just lie down, do nothing, and be alone the rest of your life. My brother, I fully understand how you feel, but you aren't going to use the "shy guy" crap with me. I know how much anxiety this can give you, but you're just going to have to get over it as it's going to affect you the rest of your life negatively if you don't. The good news is that you CAN get over it! You're don't have to be shy the rest of your life and just suffer with whatever life gives you. You can actually take what you want, (and leave the rest to the other "shy guys" out there!) You do this by getting yourself educated. I suggest that you read my book as a very good start. In addition, decide right now that you're not going to use being shy as an excuse any more. Just stop it. It's time to grow up and be a man. If you're not sure how to do this, that's ok - that's what the education will give you. But, don't let that stop you either. Find a "role model" whose persona you can adopt. I like James Bond or Tom Cruise's character in "Top Gun". These are great models to follow. Then, fake it until you make it! Just because this guy has already taken the first step doesn't mean that you're out. After all, it's HER decision - not his! Just go up to her and say, "You know, we need to spend some time together and get to know each other. Let's have coffee this week. How's either Thursday or Saturday?" Believe me my brother - it really IS that simple! Take a few small steps, get a few successes and watch your confidence level soar! Good luck, much love... Dear Dr. Neder, I met a wonderful girl in beginning of 2002 in San Francisco on a trip from my home in Los Angeles. It felt really natural being around her. She is highly educated and graduated from the one of the best law schools in the country. She is very personable, a flirt, has high standards, good moral value, educated, mature, decisive, over-analyzing, and very courageously bold. Not to brag but the same goes for me. We both respect our Middle Eastern culture but grew up in a somewhat secular lifestyle. We hit it off great but I had to leave after a few days. She wrote and we started the socialization process. We spent hours on the phone every night and spoke about everything and shared the same passions for nearly everything in life. Man, I thought to myself I am not going mess this prospect up. I never had met a girl like her before. I fell in love with her almost instantly. Three months into our process of getting to know each other and opening the way for a prospective relationship, things went sour. It happened when I asked if she wanted to me to visit her. All of a sudden she disappeared for two weeks, no phone calls and no emails. All of a sudden she reemerged and started dropping subtle hints about her disinterest in me. About six months after I met her, I wrote a very personal email to her to which I received a phone call from her. She says her intuition told her I was not the guy for her. She said that during those two weeks she realized that there was no romantic spark with me. I've asked a few friends about this situation. One said, "I am sure she will decide to give your relationship a chance." Another friend said, "Don't let her go if she means so much to you!" What do I think? I think they are both right! My heart agrees and says go after her. My intellect says it's her loss if she does not allow for a prospect. I promised her that I would try to be the best friend she ever had. I care too much about her to put her in a awkward situation of having to fend off my advances. I am going to concentrate on being her best friend without ulterior intentions. She deserves the best and I am the best friend she can have and more if she desires it. However, my feelings for her are not diminishing. I am absolutely confused and don't know where to turn. Help! Hello! My brother, while I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope you really feel it burn. I hope that this searing pain is going to be ingrained in you forever so that you never forget this lesson: you must NEVER become a woman's friend unless that is ALL you ever want with her. Period. You've got yourself into a terrible situation because: 1) You're her friend; this means that you will NEVER be anything else to her. 2) She controls all the cards - not you. 3) This is a long-distance relationship. How often do I try to talk people out of this? 4) About a thousand more reasons why that I won't bother to go into here. The reason why you want to "...be the best friend she ever had..." is that you're hoping to "work it from the inside". That is, you're hoping that by "being there for her" and that she'll see what a great guy you are and fall in love with you. This ONLY happens in movies - it isn't going to happen for you here. This isn't realistic. I understand that it's difficult to see what IS real, so I'm going to help you. First, stop this madness right now! Because of the way you feel, you can never be this "friend" to her. Not only will your emotional demands be far too great on her, but she's always going to know you have these ulterior motives and will constantly be guarding herself against them. That's the way it is. Next, you've got to cease contact with her. Until you do this (either by your own hand, or hers), you're never going to get over this. You've got to get started on healing as soon as possible. Until you do, this is just going to linger and you're going to continue to fade. Here's something else you need to consider. I too live here in the Los Angeles area. You've found someone that you believe is your "soul mate", who happens to live in San Francisco. There are 34.5 million people that live in California; 9.6 million of which live in Los Angeles County. San Francisco County has 770 thousand people. Are you really convinced that you could never find anyone as good (or even better) than this woman when there are over 12 times as many people right in your own backyard? Believe me, you don't have just one soul mate, in fact, you have thousands - maybe even 10's of thousands or even 100's of thousands! You've focused all your energy on a single person. While I understand why you've done this, don't delude yourself into thinking that she is the only one. While you're pining away waiting for her to call you, you're missing all the others that are passing you by! It sounds like your friends are solidly behind you here and you should lean on them during this transition period. Let them help you get out there and work on the healing. In addition, this would be a good time to pick up and read, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" as it's going to give you new tools to help prevent this from ever happening again. Good luck, much love... Dear Dr. Neder: I am recently out of a fairly long-term relationship, (4 1/2 years). We have lived together for this time and are currently living together. My ex-girlfriend broke it off with me about a month and a half ago. I'm still not sure exactly why as she has never been able to communicate this to me. We have always had a strong bond and a genuine love for one another. Last year, she moved out because she had more stress than she could handle and didn't know how to deal with it. At the time her Grandmother was very sick and she, a recent college grad was unable to find any work. She slipped into depression and withdrew from me in every possible way. After 4 months of living separately and having found a new job she wanted to return and all was well. Three months or so passed and the job that paid well but did not challenge or reward her otherwise was now a major source of unhappiness for her. Once again I was shut out. We agreed to read a book about healing relationship problems. I read the book and finished all of the exercises and felt really optimistic about our future. She never read the book, (which was her idea), and claimed she didn't have the emotional energy. I decided to move out at the end of this month and still intend to. I did not see or speak to her for three weeks and was just beginning to feel accepting of the circumstances when, she asked to spend the day with me on Sunday and I agreed. We had a nice day but I feel it has really set me back emotionally. I want nothing more than to work things out and eventually get married. However I don't know if she sincerely wants to repair our relationship or just be friends, which I know I am not capable of at the moment. Do you think I should press for her to know her intentions or just let things play themselves out at the risk of having to deal with it all again later? Sincere regards Hello! I see men make this mistake all the time - they want to take responsibility for someone else's feelings, emotions and bad behavior so that they can "repair" them. Your ex seems to have a lot of drama going on in her life - most of it self-inflicted. She also knows that you're there to put on the big red nose and floppy shoes anytime she's feeling blue. Further, she can come and go as she pleases - all without any complaint from you! What I see here isn't a problem with the relationship - I see a focus problem. Her focus is her, and YOUR focus is her! This is a good time to start focusing on yourself instead. It sounds like the situation is simply pushing you - who should be the "director" of the relationship - around. You're at the mercy of every emotional flip-flop she has, and rather than taking a stand and expecting her to pull her own weight, you're moving out. Ok, so what should you do about all of this? First, I'd strongly suggest that you get "Being a Man in a Woman's World" to see how women WANT their men to act. I can tell you this: it's not how you're acting right now. Second, you've got to decide that if you're going to move out - it's for good - not for HER good! Any action you take at this point should be only for YOUR benefit - she's made her (poor) decisions for herself. You need to make some for yourself too. At this point, I wouldn't recommend that you consider marriage. Could you imagine being married and being in this same situation? That would be a living hell. Third, you need to get a perspective of what a "healthy" relationship looks like. Again, the book will help you here too, but I'd suggest that you start meeting some new women - some that aren't so focused on their own "issues" that they can't see there is a worthwhile person with whom they can share their lives. This woman doesn't sound like one of these at all! If you want to turn things around, you've got to change your perspective. Stop living to make things right with her and start living to seek what's best for you. Believe me, she's doing this, and apparently has been since you moved in together. Women write to me all the time and tell me that they want men that have a strong direction in their lives and in their relationships. Your direction here has been all about her - what she wants, if she's sad, her need for entertainment, etc., etc. Healthy relationships are all about being more of the good things you already are because of them. Good luck, much love... Doctor: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year & a half now. We both feel that we are truly each other's soul mates and the relationship we have is a special one that only comes once in a lifetime. But, just like any other couple we have had our rough times and "tests" to see if we are really destined to be with each other. Eight months into our relationship we started experiencing the normal daily fights and tensions couples go through. And during that time I was under the influence of Depo-Provera, a form of birth control that lasts for 3 months and has a big effect on a woman's emotions. During that time I would cry for almost anything and I know it would aggravate my partner. Even though I would remind him that it was out of my control, he would still not believe me and think I was just blaming it on the shot. I recently found out that during that time (exactly 1 month) he was seeing someone else. When I confronted him about it, of course he denied it at first, but then he started crying and he told me the truth about the matter and how sorry he was and that he doesn't know how he could have done that to me at a time I needed him the most. He reminds me that it was almost a year ago and he did not feel anything for her nor engage in any sexual activities with her (I called her to confirm this by the way). Now he realizes that the shot did influence the way I was acting and he says he made the biggest mistake of his life and he is extremely sorry for it and he will make it up to me. I broke up with him and made him suffer for a whole week, but I can't deny the fact that I still love him and he has showed me he is sorry. My problem is this: now that we are together again how do I learn to trust him and know that he will not hurt me? He claims that he has learned his lesson and the thought of loosing me just drives him crazy! Everyone tells me to forget about that incident and forgive him, but I just don't want it to happen again. HELP ME PLEASE!!! How can I trust him again and get back the beautiful relationship we once had? Hello! If you're looking for a relationship where there are absolute assurances that you won't be hurt, you need to forget it and just accept the fact that you'll be alone the rest of your life. My dear, there just isn't such a thing. It's impossible to have for yourself or to expect anyone to promise you. Regarding "trust" let me ask you a question: do you "trust" him to get something up from the store that he said he would? Do you "trust" him to pick you up when he as promised? Do you "trust" him to not steal your money, and to not burn your house down? My point is this: trust is a matter of degree. You've asked me how you can learn to trust him again. The fact is, you already do. Let's look at things a little differently. Just like you said, you "...broke up with him and made him suffer for a whole week." This doesn't sound like love to me. It sounds like revenge. Worse yet, you did this for what? He didn't even sleep with her! You confirmed that yourself! All of this drama has come about just because he spent time with her any maybe even kissed her? I think your actions are cruel and not that of someone that loves someone else. Despite what you think, or what you wish - you can't "own" another person. Even a married person is free to make his or her own choices. You can't make him do anything and in fact, have caused damage to your own relationship by trying to "punish" him. My question is: how can he trust YOU? The only place you can look for trust is within yourself. You need to see things from a different perspective - that YOU are in control only of YOU - nobody else. Taking responsibility for oneself is the highest way to live. Trying to make others do that for you is the lowest. You deserve better than this. Don't place your well being in someone else's hands. What if he doesn't live up to it? Instead, come to the realization that you are worthy of his fidelity, and expect him to abide by it. If you don't get it, you'll understand that you've simply made a mistake in your belief of who he is, and you can move on to find someone that DOES meet it, with you head high, and your self-esteem intact. Good luck, much love... Ok, so you've been on three dates together and you're ready for something a little bit more, er, "mature". How do you go about making that first move? This article will explore that important, terrifying step. Men: unless you're James Bond (by the way - you're not!) she probably isn't going to excuse herself and "slip into something more comfortable". If she does, it's probably going to be some flannel pajamas, slippers, and a bathrobe - a sign that she's ready for you to leave! Women expect that you know when to make your move. Further, they expect you to be sophisticated and smooth about it. Clumsy, boyish behavior doesn't fit with her image of being "swept off her feet", and you don't really want this critical step to end in laughter! The Rules First, let's explore the rules for The First Move: 1) Women control the speed of the relationship - and the sex - not men. 2) Women know if they'll sleep with you within 5 minutes of meeting you. 3) Even if a woman does go out with you, she won't tell you if she plans to sleep with you or not! 4) Women will usually NOT make the first move. 5) If you don't make the right move at the right time, the women will usually think you're weak, an oaf, gay, or just not interested. 6) Women and men view sex differently - women use sex to bond and create intimacy, men use sex to decide if they want to get more intimate. How to Make That "First Move" (for Men): Because of the rules stated above, you have to be somewhat careful of when and where to make your move. You want this to appear spontaneous, and, with the right preparation - you can! These seem to go against each other - prepare to be spontaneous? Yes - remember the 7 "P's": "Prior, Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance!" Give some thought to your moves before using them. This will help to make them appear more comfortable and therefore spontaneous. So, with that introduction, here are the steps: 1) Be sure you're ready - once you begin, you can't go back! Just like that move when you were in High School where you stretch and your arm "just happens" to wind up around your date's shoulder. Also, do you have a condom? You don't? Then forget it! Remember: "No glove - NO LOVE!" 2) Be reasonably sure she's ready. How do you know she's ready? You can't really be 100 percent sure, but you can get pretty close if you just pay attention. First, is she using the right body language? For example:
Also, has she just told you she has an early-morning meeting, or has relatives staying at her place? She is probably telling you that this isn't the right time. In short, be open to clues. 3) Make sure you're in the right place. Once you get things started, you don't want to have to stop and drive somewhere else. Why not get there and then make your move - you'll keep things from cooling off - and possibly a change of heart. Also, make sure that you're in a private setting - even if you're in the back seat of your car. Nothing spoils the mood like someone watching (well, unless you both are into that!) 4) Plan plenty of time Having an appointment in 30 minutes isn't going to create a romantic atmosphere. Be sure you have enough time to really spend getting you both ready. 5) Have a proper "buildup" You don't want to show up at her door, walk in and start putting on the moves. Poor form old buddy! Plan a simple, but romantic date. Don't go to the movies or the theatre - you need time to talk and establish a connection. 6) Ready? Ok, let's go So, what's the first thing you should do? Get your confidence up. Wait for a comfortable break in the conversation. Then, take her hands in yours, draw her close to you and gently kiss her on the lips. Don't shove your tongue down her throat, and don't kiss her like she's your grandmother. Make it linger just a little too long, and give her a chance to respond. You might also want to offer a back or foot massage - these are almost impossible to resist! 7) When she's ready to move, she'll usually let you know But, what if she doesn't? Some women let you take charge when they're ready. You can start by kissing her neck and gently nibbling on her lower lip. Brush your nose gently around hers. Explore her neck and face with yours. Run your hands around her back, then slowly to her ass. Note her reactions. 8) Don't go for the "goodies" until you've spent some time earning them! If you're in a hurry to get her out of her clothes, she'll assume that you're just as fast at everything else. Let things build on their own - at their own pace. Let them move along slowly, don't force them - or get in the way of them either! How to Make That "First Move" (for Women): Frankly, this is a lot easier for women. You probably already know what to do. Here's a checklist: 1) Make sure you're ready. If you're trying to seduce him just because you're afraid of losing him, you're not in the best place and should reconsider. Also, you should carry condoms on you. Remember - you both are responsible for preventing the spread of disease and unwanted children! 2) Don't worry about him - he's ready! 3) Ask him to go some place more private - like your place You don't really need to go into anything more than this - the invitation is all that's necessary. 4) Let him know that you're ready If you're not comfortable just telling him (few women are!), let him know in other ways. Use open body language, get close to him and use physical contact, lay your head on this chest, use eye contact, talk "sex", etc. 5) Important - give the conversation a break! This is the most often missed aspect of the first move. If he is politely listening to you and you go on and on without a break - where's he supposed to jump in? If you're nervous, this is especially difficult. Just try to be aware of your conversation. 6) There is nothing wrong with you making the first move You absolutely can put your hands on either side of his face and kiss him. In fact, some men actually wait for this because they don't know when to make a move themselves. You can even tell him that you're ready. 7) Feeling bold? I've had many women tell me that they were ready by standing up and stripping for me, or take off their blouse and turn to walk into the bedroom. I mean, how obvious do you need to get? If this doesn't work for him, you've got the wrong guy! 8) Help him along This is a strange thing to say, but many women don't understand that their men might not know what to do - or at least what you like. If you don't tell him (or subtly show him), how's he going to know? Believe me, men don't read minds! First-Sex Etiquette Many people don't know what to do after the first sexual experience with a new partner. At least the first time, don't plan to spend the night. Why not? If you do, you'll probably need your regular things for the morning - toothbrush, deodorant, denture cream, (just kidding!), etc. If you whip out the overnight kit, all of your work making this a spontaneous event will be lost. Also, don't just jump up grab your clothes and bolt! Spend some time cuddling or at least telling stories and having a laugh. This doesn't have to be deep and intimate - just spend some time saying that you enjoyed each other. You might want to grab some dessert out of the fridge, or watch the end of an old movie. Men - if you want an encore performance, this step is critical! Finally, have fun! This isn't the end - it's the
beginning! Why are Beautiful Women
Crazy? Let's face it - sometimes we men thing ALL women are crazy! The fact is - everyone is crazy sometimes. Yes - even you (maybe ESPECIALLY you - you be the judge). That is, everyone does things that others perceive as crazy. Many women seem to be particularly prone to acts of craziness. Beautiful women are even more so. What makes beautiful women more likely to be crazy? The simple answer is, that they are given more opportunity to be crazy, and crazy behavior seems to be more readily accepted from them. That is, they learn crazy behavior and that they can get away with it. Further, we men often help them along by allowing (even encouraging) craziness in our relationships with them. Before we get too deeply into all of this, let's explore some concepts we'll use in a few moments: *"Crazy" verse "Neurotic" A psychologist friend of mine says, "Neurotics build castles in the sky,psychotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent!" It's important to differentiate "crazy" and "neurotic". Specifically, neurotic behavior can be thought of as individual actions that seem inappropriate, obsessive, or dangerous - particularly in the context of a situation. Crazy behavior is more of a lifestyle and usually involves psychotic activity. It affects almost every aspect of a person's life, and tends to directly impact those that come in contact with the crazy person. We've all heard jokes about "that time of the month" or "being one boy scout short of a jamboree", etc., but you really need to look closely at a new girlfriend's behavior to see how its going to impact you in the long run. You see, she will probably not start off showing you craziness early in your relationship. If she starts saying or doing crazy things when you first meet her, walk away and don't look back - this is the best she's going to be! Here are some examples of crazy behavior:
It is appropriate to note that men can be crazy too. However, because of societal pressures on men, they don't seem to be crazy (or neurotic) quite as frequently as women. In general crazy behavior is not tolerated as readily in men as in women. For the remainder of this article, we'll use the word "crazy" to refer to women that are neurotic or mildly crazy - not the clinically insane. Best Sex You'll Ever Have Yes - it's sad but true; you'll never have sex like the sex you get with crazy women. Why? It seems that acting crazy automatically reduces or eliminates concern for the views of others. They get "used to" being viewed by others and learn to ignore it, or even revel in the attention it brings. Thus, the crazy lady is more likely to be open to new ideas, especially sex. However, always remember that crazy women are not necessarily more sexual - this is a common misconception of the past. The one exception to this is the obsessive woman who focuses too heavily on what people think. However, this tends to be more of a self-image issue than true neurotic behavior. Crazy Is As Crazy Does Actions speak louder than words - it really doesn't matter what she says. In fact, unless you're well versed in translating "Womenese" into English, focus 90 to 95% of your attention on her actions. Watch what she does. Does she need to rub the body of an airplane before she boards it for good luck? Does she make weekly visits to a tarot card reader? Will she avoid making decisions until she gets the advice of "Boots", her cat? There are many highly intelligent women that are crazy. Why does this make a difference? Because, many of these intelligent women are also usually high-functioning. That is, they; despite their mental states, can proceed through life without severe barriers. They make others around them think that they are perfectly sane and rational. So much so that many people simply brush off their crazy behavior as eccentric. You Don't Have To Buy Into It! I have an adage that I live by - I ignore all neurotic statements made by normal people, and ANY statement made by neurotic people! Remember, regardless of how beautiful she is you don't have to put up with craziness - especially if it impacts your life! Can you change her? Well, if you're a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or other health care professional - maybe. The next question is, should you? Probably not. The time and effort in trying to change someone's behavior that has likely been learned over a lifetime is enormous. Ok, so what if you're already in a relationship with a crazy woman and you're committed to making it work? First, you should check you own motivations - I know too many men that spend their lives trying to fix their partner's problems. They do this first for their own sense of accomplishment. Then, when they fail it becomes something of a quest - they continue to beat their heads against the wall. If you still think you can change her, the very first thing you need to do is let her know that you will absolutely not accept any further crazy behavior - in other words, you expect her to act sane. When she beings an "episode", bring her back to reality and have her confirm it. For example, a black cat crosses your path and she freaks, say, "Honey, black cats have no meaning and we left superstition back in the last millennium - right?" Frankly, for some people it is next to impossible, especially if she really has some organic problem. Remember however, we're talking about neurotic women here, not the clinically insane. What do you do when she slips back into neurotic behavior? Bring the specific action to her attention immediately and remind her that you will not tolerate it. Then, take her home and tell her that when she decides to be rational, she can call you - but not before. In order for this to work, you're going to have to be consistent. If you let your guard down even once, you're opening the door for more of that zaniness, and you'll have to start back at square one. You should also get her into some type of counseling as quickly as you can. Many productive lives have been saved by a few sessions with someone trained to recognize and redirect neurotic behavior. Neurotic behavior can sometimes get worse if not treated. Many men, having originally gone for the "10's" are settling for the "7's", "8's" and "9's" in order to get away from all the drama. I also believe that this is at least one of the reasons why you see so many beautiful women on the arms of older guys (besides the obvious - money, power, etc.) These guys are better able to handle all the wackiness of being with these women. So, what's it going to be - a crazy trophy, or a
sane, down to earth pretty girl? You decide. Greetings, For the past 3 years or so I've been involved with a girl whom I just can't seem to get to the next level with. Currently we live 50 miles apart. She is a recovering drug addict living in a recovery house. Seems to me that the only reason she keeps me around for is financial support. The only time she calls me is when she needs cash. I see her maybe once a week and sex is an ancient and mysterious issue. It's been over a year since we were intimate, and we've had our chances. She claims she has no desire for it. Of course I take this very personally and it's gotten to the point where it doesn't even faze me anymore. I do not want to feel this way, I like sex very much but with this girl I don't see much coming my way. Being she is not around I've had a few chances to go out with other girls but my conscience won't let me. She says she loves me but I beg to differ. I mean to me she is like having another kid. She is very immature for her age (31) She has a lot of problems brought on by her drug use. (HIV, hepatitis, depression, etc.) In the beginning I pitied her but now I've gotten sick of her game (the illnesses) and how she tries to use people. Every time I make a move to let go my heart gets in the way. I don't mind helping people but I've gone far and beyond the call of duty with this girl. I'm living her life - not mine. How do I get this cat off my back porch once and for all? I don't want to hurt her but I guess there is no other way. She'll get over it and we'll both be better off. The chances of her changing for me are slim to none. I have no other choice but to let her go, right? Tired of being used Hello "Tired"! For God's sake! What the hell are you thinking??? Ok, let's summarize your situation here: 1) She's a (recovering) drug addict Jack - you're an asshole. There, I said it. I regret it, and am sorry to be so brutish, but it's true. What are you thinking? The most beautiful woman on the planet couldn't even make these negatives worthwhile! Just please tell me that you haven't been doing this for months, let alone years! What should you do? First, find her telephone number, her address, and anything she's ever given you. Next, pile them all up in the backyard, douse liberally with gasoline, add one flaming match and have yourself a "freedom bonfire". Absolutely DO NOT, under any circumstance contact this woman again! I don't care what her story is, what she needs, what she promises you - nothing. In psychological parlance, you are an "enabler" - someone that makes it possible for another with an addictive personality to live in his or her addiction. It sounds like she's simply traded one addiction (drugs) for another (abusing you). This woman has her problems, but the REAL problem is you! Why do you think you have to live like this? What makes you believe that there is anything healthy in all of this? My brother, you seem like a nice guy - too nice. You deserve something healthy and worthwhile - and this situation ain't it! Do you want to see how men with a healthy self-image, and ones that really care about women think, act and live? Pick up a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World", then READ IT! You might also want to consult a therapist for a couple of sessions just to see why you have the ability to accept this abuse. You are either blinded by your need for her, or your need for abuse. Believe me, you don't need it or deserve it. Next, get yourself out there and start meeting some new people - but only those that are stable. You're going to be amazed at how much your life turns around when you're immersed in the mentally healthy. Good luck, much love... Doctor: I just read your article "Breaking Up", and I found it to be very useful. It help me to understand a little of what I am going through and how to go about ending the relationship. My boyfriend and I have been involved now for 4 yrs. Our problem is sex - he is not a very affectionate person and believes you should not make love all the time. So we only make love once every 3 to 5 months or more depending on our schedules. We do not kiss much unless I ask, hold hands or make any physical contact. I myself, am a very affectionate person and need to have that contact in order to feel that he still loves me and wants to be with me. Now because of this I feel very distant from him and tend to want to venture off with other men, to fill the void that he does not satisfy. Should I break up our relationship and move on? I tried talking to him about it, but he thinks I am going thorough a phase and I will get over it soon, so he does not listen to me or make any changes. Help! What should I do? Is their any way I can get through to him? Or is it just not meant to be? Dazed & Confused Hello Dazed! I'll let you in on a little secret about men - some men lose interest in their partners sexually. No, its true! As I discuss in my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", men have a biological propensity to seek multiple sex partners. This way (as it is with any species that produces few offspring), he insures that his genes are passed on to the next generation. Up until the beginning of the 20th century, the infant mortality rate was about 50%. So, to counter this low birth rate with a high death rate, nature spent 1.6 billion years building the desire in men to have multiple partners. By seeking multiple partners, men help to insure that at least some of their offspring survive. For reasons that don't deal with your question, very few women posses this same drive. Some men have turned this "hunting instinct" into something else - the innate desire to find multiple partners causes them to lose sexual interest in their current partner. I hear this from many of my readers, so you're not alone. Interestingly, this doesn't seem to have much to do with love - he probably still loves you (in his way). Further, when you're apart for any length of time, his interest in you probably grows tremendously. I'll bet that when you first started going out together, you and he we're banging it out just about every night. Then, slowly this frequency began to drop, where now you're having sex only about once every 3 to 5 months - and he is asking for less! Its obvious from your letter that you need the physical closeness. For many people physical closeness is absolutely necessary for mental health! In my book, in the section under "Communication" I discuss a number of communication types. From your description, I'll bet you're a "physical sexual" and your boyfriend is an "emotional sexual". Without going into all the details, suffice it to say that, you use your physicalness - your body - to protect your emotions, and you crave physical connection to support your emotions. Your boyfriend does the opposite. Ok, that's enough science - so, what do you do? First, you need to recognize that you're not going "get over" your need for physical expression. That's like saying that your dog is going to "get over" the need to be furry! On the other hand you're probably not going to change him to be more physical either. You're going to need to make a decision here. You really have three choices: 1) live with things the way they are, realizing that his interest in sex and physical closeness will continue to wane while yours doesn't; 2) split with him and find another partner; or 3) stay with him and try again to discuss your needs, and, if not met, satisfy them elsewhere. You're already living in situation #1, so I can't really give you any advice here. You've read my article on breaking up, so you know about this as well. Thus, I'll discuss the last option. If you choose this, (and, it is wrought with problems!), let me offer some ideas: You're going to need to make a stand here. Find a time when you're not interrupting something else - you want your boyfriend's full attention. Tell him that you're unhappy with the sexual and physical part of your relationship with him. Tell him you still love him, but feel compelled to satisfy your physical needs. Explain that you're not going to "get over it". Then, be quiet and listen to, and watch his reactions. Is he committed to making a difference? Is he genuinely concerned about you and your needs? If so, does he actually make the effort over the next few weeks and months? If things again begin to drop off, is he willing to discuss it with you and try to deal with it? If not, and you choose to venture outside your relationship here's what you need to do. First - USE PROTECTION!!! Don't assume that your new partner will handle this - you take the lead. This is an absolute must - no excuses. It is your responsibility. Get some condoms (hidden so that he will NOT find them!), and use them every time - no exceptions. Second - don't tell your boyfriend, or allow him find out about it! Let me explain this. Many people use their straying as an excuse to inflict damage and hurt on their non-conforming partner. Others feel guilt and try to relieve their own guilt by "coming clean". In either case, the unknowing partner is always damaged and the perpetrating partner is never cleansed. If you choose this path, you have the absolute responsibility to protect your primary partner. You may choose to stray because you love yourself, but protect him because you love him. Don't cause further harm to someone else - if you choose this path, you must also choose the responsibility it holds. You have much to consider here. Notice, that in the last paragraph, I haven't used the word "cheat". I purposely avoid this word because I don't believe in it. I believe that there are circumstances that affect every relationship beyond any outside person's understanding of it. To judge a situation you're not directly involved with is to assume you know everything about it and view it with an open mind - quite arrogant. You (and your boyfriend) are the only ones capable of judging your relationship - not me or anyone else. Our society preaches monogamy and curses "outside adventures", but offers no acceptable alternative. Further, it doesn't recognize the huge number of dynamics involved in every relationship. By the way, men are not the only ones who venture outside of a primary relationship. Women explore outside possibilities just as often as men, but they do so for different reasons. Even when we're in a committed, monogamous
relationship, we're still on our own. You can't own
or control another person in the long run, but you
can control your own happiness and health. In fact,
it is your responsibility to do this. I wish this
happiness for you in whatever decision you make.
Please let me know how things turn out. What is the best way to handle a chick that is being rude or saying smart-assed shit to you? I would think that if you just walk away from them you look like a pussy.... Any advice? Hello! In my experience, people (even women!) usually aren't rude without some reason. For example, if you approach some woman and she reacts badly, the problem isn't you (as long as you were reasonably respectful and courteous) the problem was with the woman. You have no way of knowing what kind of day she had. Perhaps you the 8th guy that hit on her that day, or maybe she just broke up with her 5-year boyfriend. So, the first point is this: don't worry or be bothered by it if she's rude! Just realize that she's in a bad place, and that it's not your fault. Maybe her mother never bothered to teach her any manners. In fact, you can even go the other way - give her kindness back. Here's a great example: One time, I was in a restaurant with a date. The restaurant was full, and the waitress was hopping just to keep up. When she walked up to the table, I asked her a question. Her response? "Did you read the menu??" Now, I could have reacted and threw it back in her face. Instead, I said, "Look, it's very busy in here, and you're obviously under a lot of pressure. Everyone seems to get hungry at the same time! We're going to be here for a while, and are not in a hurry. Why don't you take care of some of the other people with less time, and we'll be here when you're ready." She stopped and looked at me, paused, and said, "I'm sorry for being rude, it's really been a day here. What was it you wanted to know?" So I persisted, "No, that's ok - go get some of the pressure off, we're not in any hurry." She came back with, "No, really, I'm very sorry and want to help you." We got great service from that point on, and she even made a point to stop me on our way out and thank me again for being so understanding! In a first-meeting situation, you can use exactly this tack too - just say something like, "Look, I'm sorry you're irritated - I really don't know what your day has been like. I just thought I might try to brighten it a little. I hope things get better for you." Then walk away with your pride intact. Let's look at another situation, you're chatting up some girl at a bar, or elsewhere, she seems interested, but is trying to bust your chops. This is a completely different situation entirely. She's trying to throw you off-balance, but is expressing interest as well. Here, you want to try to use humor. Humor is difficult for many people - some are just not funny! You can learn to be funny, but it takes practice. For example, if she were sitting with her friends and tried something like that with me, I'd look at her friends and in a loud-whisper say, "Yeah - I remember MY first beer too!" Perhaps she says something like, "I don't talk to strangers!" My response? "Well, how do you know I'm a stranger if you've never met me?" Humor can go a long way. The last point is that you can't just rely on one or two approaches to determine how women will react to you. It's a man's job to make the initial approach. It may seem unfair, but that's the way the game is played. You've got to go through many, many of these to gain the experience to handle them. One idea that I teach guys in my "Hunting Sessions" is called the "20 No's". This means that you go out over a week or two and actively seek 20 "No's" from women. Why would you do that? Because; even as special as you are, you're not so special as to fail every single time! Dispersed among those 20 "no's", will be at least a few "yes's"! So what if you get 20 no's, when you've got 5 yes's to work on? To summarize, first, don't be bothered by someone's rudeness - that isn't your problem. Your problem is to learn basic social skills and to use them. The second point is to be somewhat prepared for situations through study and experience. The last point? Dating is a numbers game. Use the numbers to get the success you want! Good luck, much love... How Do I Get Her Out Of His
Life? Doctor: My ex-husband and I have been divorced 3 years. We were married 13 years and have 2 children. For the last 8 months we have started having sex again. He has a girlfriend that almost lives with him, but will not tell her he is seeing me. I have tried to tell her this but she won't believe me. I want to get our family back together but I'm not sure how to show him that this is the best thing. How do I get her out of the picture, so that nobody else gets hurt? Hello! Obviously, I don't know your family situations, but you might want to ask yourself, if getting everything back together is REALLY the best thing. After all, you divorced for some reason. Just because you're having sex again doesn't mean that the relationship will work again. Putting two people together in a live-in arrangement adds tremendous amounts of stress to the relationship, (as you already know!) I think you've done the wrong thing by going to his girlfriend. Frankly, you don't "own" him or his relationships! If you're not getting what you want from him your choice is to move on and find someone that DOES give you what you need. Sticking your nose into his relationship is a bad, problematic thing and frankly, you should butt-out. |
