Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love,
relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer
all letters. Write E-Mail
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
At a Loss For Being
Being "Daddy" Without The
You Love If You Don't "Like"?
Do I Have A Chance With
Everybody Has A
Finding the "G
Get Over Being
Getting Over Social
Handling a Difficult
Have Confidence - Fake it
Until You Make It!
Help Me Please
He's Hot, He's Cold, and
He's Hot Again!
How Do I Get Her Out Of His
How to Help Him be
It's Time to Get Moving
In Love At A
Making the First
More on Dating Two (or more)
Women at a Time
My Man Doesn't Want
Playing the Game with a Game
Problems With Single Mothers
Selling Skills = Dating
She Doesn't Need
She Won't Stop Kissing
Speak Up! - Getting What You
Want in Bed (for Women)
10 Ways to Know When
Your Relationship Is "Right"
You Can't "Own"
When NOT to Get
When Your Lover's
Mother Gets In The Way
Where to Find
Wonderful Women or Magnificent Men
Why are Beautiful Women
Why Are Men Obsessed With
Other Relationship Issues,
At a Loss For Being
I'm having some trouble here and would
appreciate any advice you have. I have been with my
boyfriend for 6 years now, he is my first and only
boyfriend, and I am his first and only girlfriend.
During our 6 years together, he was nothing but
sweet, loyal, passionate, and adoring of me. He was
very committed to me but I was always scared of
commitment and told him that getting a career is
more important than getting married. I have left
him twice in the past for another guy, out of
stupidity and temptation, and last year I left him
for another guy for 8 months. Each time I did this,
he begged for me to take him back, and when I did
come to my senses and come back, he would play hard
to get and act like I had to beg for him. 3 months
ago, I left him to move to the other end of the
country, something that hurt him terribly. I stayed
there for 2 months and for the first month; he
would call me everyday and tell me he loved me.
Then, once I decided to return because I missed him
so much and was finally ready to settle down with
him, he told me that he needed some time apart to
be on his own and get his businesses in order and
he wanted to be single and with his buddies and he
stopped calling me. Now I am back in my hometown
and he is still not calling me. I will call him
once in a while to say "Hi" but he hardly returns
my calls. We decided to meet up and watch a hockey
game recently, and then 2 days later, he flaunts
this new girl he's seeing in my face at a bar, and
I got angry with him. Now, he acts very cold and
without feeling, like he's put his feelings aside
and he's put up a wall. In 1 month, he has
transformed into the absolute opposite of who he
has always been. I spilled my heart and soul out to
him, telling him that I will do anything to make
this relationship work, but he brushes it off. Now
he's seeing some other chick, which is 35 years
old, (he's 24). He says he loves me, and he keeps
asking why it was ok for me to do this last year
and why I can't let him move on. I know that he is
speaking out of pain and hurt, but he won't even
talk to me about what's happening. The worst part
is how disrespectful he is to me when he's in
public with his friends. He ignores me like I'm
just some girl he was seeing for a month or so, and
if he knows that I will be at a certain bar, he
will show up with that woman, and flirt with her
and dance with her right in front of me. I try to
ignore it, but I always end up leaving the bar in
tears. I don't understand how and why he is
treating me this terribly. It's one thing to want
to break up, but still be respectful to me, and
it's another to completely humiliate me over and
over again. I know I need to stop calling him, but
I don't want him to think I don't care for him
anymore. How can he go from a 6-year relationship
to another girl in 1 month? Can you explain to me
his sudden behavior because he's not telling me
anything? Should I stay away from the places he
hangs out? And most importantly, what's the best
way for me to proceed in order to leave things open
for reconciliation? I want him back so bad, I gave
up everything out west to come back home to him and
he knows this. I just want to spend the rest of my
life making him feel as special as he made me feel
for the last 6 years. Please help, I don't want to
make the wrong moves and hurt this situation
anymore than it has been. Is there any salvation
for this relationship and will he snap out of this
coldness and tell me what's going on? Thank you so
much for listening.
Hello! Please tell me you're kidding me - right?
Let's see here. You had a terrific relationship
with a caring, loving guy but it wasn't very
important to you, so you left him and started
seeing other guys. Then, you even left town and
moved all the way across the country. Now, you're
back and you want to be with him again, but you're
hurt because he won't be the same, lovely,
wonderful guy he was because you kept dumping all
over him. What in the hell are you thinking anyway?
I'm surprised he even talks to you at all! The only
reason I can think of for it is that he is so
inexperienced that he doesn't know that there are
women out there that WILL treat him properly and
with respect. I don't care how much he wanted the
relationship in the past; frankly, you don't
deserve him! What could you ever do now that would
make for the way you've treated him? He's being far
nicer to you than you deserve in my opinion. If
you'd done this to me, I would never talk to you
again - ever. At least he'll talk to you. This
might be a good time to go sit by yourself for a
while and think about what you really want in your
life. Your actions here border on abuse and if you
ever want someone of quality in your life again,
someone that loves you, and cares for you, you'd
better get yourself straightened out. A person like
this is a treasure that you earn. You got lucky the
first time, but don't expect it to happen again.
With a LOT of work on your selfish self, you may
get another chance in the future with someone else.
Get started right away. Best regards...
Speak Up! - Getting What You
Want in Bed (for Women)
I get a lot of reader mail. Much of it from women,
complains about how men don't know how to please
thier girlfriends. I always have the same response
- what have YOU done about it?
Too many women feel that men should "just know"
how to please a woman in bed. This is just plain
rediculous! I'm convinced that there is no such
thing as a "natural born lover". Making love is a
skill that is learned (for both men AND women by
the way - very few women are really good lovers -
men just happen to be less picky about most of it!)
Further, every woman is a brand new classroom.
Often, the things that worked for one woman don't
work for another.
Here's the reality: if you aren't getting what
you want from your partner - it's YOUR fault and
Why Women Don't Tell
Many women feel that "coaching" their partners
would hurt their egos; and for some this may be
true. If so, you may have to be more careful, but
you don't have to put up with a lousy lover! You
can broach the subject easily by first asking him
what HE wants. As he's telling you, make mental
notes - you can use the help too, believe me! Women
are NOT natural lovers either. Many, many women
just lay there waiting to have things done to them
and then claim that they really know how to please
a man. Sorry sister - it ain't necessarily so!
After he's given you the litany of things he
likes, feel free to tell him that you have things
you want too. He'll understand and probably want to
know more - much more! If he doesn't, what are you
doing with him in the first place?
Other women feel that he "should just know."
How's he going to know what you want if you don't
tell him? Should he just try everything until he
happens upon the thing you really want? That's just
stupid. What man is going to spend all that time
trying everything, getting shot down on most of it
to try to find what you want? If you take this
approach, don't be hurt or surprised if he brings
home another woman to try a threesome - just in
case that's what you want!
Many times, I've asked lovers what they do and
don't like in bed. The most common answer is, "oh,
I like just about everything!" Hogwash! When a man
asks you this, he isn't interested in your "range"
of sexual interest - he really wants to know what
things you enjoy. You should be thrilled if your
lover askes. Many don't know that they should! If
you don't know the answer to this question
yourself, you've got some work to do.
If You Don't Say It, Don't Expect It!
If he hasn't found your hot button(s) and you
haven't told him about them he isn't going to know.
Period. You've got to speak up! Women's sexual
response is rather more complicated than men's.
Sure, it's easy for YOU to know what YOU want - but
not for him. You've got to drop your guard a little
and let him in on the secret.
Again, you don't need to be concerned by what
you say - he's probably going to be really into
anything you come up with. Men are almost always
willing to try new things. As one of my female
friends says, "That's why I like men - my fantasies
are their playground!"
Don't Be Ashamed or Afraid
Women, you'd be surprised by how open your man
probably is to new ideas. Want to be tied up and
ravished? Most men would jump at the chance! Would
you like to get better oral sex? Most men are very
willing to help. Is he too fast or too slow? Why
not say so - but do it in a sensitive, caring way
with the goal of improving your sex life.
I have a friend that that had a fantasy about
being a slave girl on a ship. She told her
boyfriend who, a few months later rented a sailboat
(he was an avid sailor), and, on a warm summer day,
sailed her to the middle of nowhere, lashed her to
the mast, stripped her and ravished her - more than
fullfilling her fantasy (and starting a bunch
more!) In fact, it was so good for her, she still
can't stop telling the story to just about anyone
that will listen!
Your man is probably very interested in what
turns you on, so frankly, you have very little (if
any!) risk in telling him.
Don't Expect Him to Jump Through
When you tell him about yours, don't set the bar
too high. Some women's fantasies are quite complex,
involving props, sets, lighting, etc. For example,
if you've always wanted to join the "mile-high
club", don't expect him to rush out and get his
pilot's license so that he can fulfill your
fantasy. If you really want this fantasy to come
true, and the bathrooms on those commercial flights
are just too cramped, YOU may have to get YOUR
pilot's license, or be more creative!
You may have to help him along. Oral sex is a
good example. Simply telling him you like it isn't
going to get you oral the way you want it. He's
likely to just dive right in. He probably doesn't
understand the kind of build-up you need before
getting that most inimate of kisses. Take some time
and make him understand. This is the time to be
specific about things - after all, it's your
satisfaction we're talking about here!
If You Don't Know, You Can't Tell It
Do you fantasize? Almost every women asked this
question by her man say's "no", as though it would
make her a slut or something if she did. The fact
is, almost everyone fantasizes - and does so
regularly. Whether it's while having sex or
masturbating, sitting in class or at work, driving
in your car, or whatever - fantasizing is common -
very, very common. So, drop the embarrassment and
fear! There is nothing wrong with fantasizing - in
fact most psychologist feel that it is a normal,
healthy way of exploring your own sexuality.
One of the reasons why women are reluctant to
discuss they needs in bed is that many of them
simply don't know themselves. Whether through
repression, embarrassement, fear, bad experiences,
or whatever, many women never allow themselves to
explore their sexual side. I have to wonder what
these women are waiting for! There is little that
makes a person feel so alive as sex. You are as
deeply "inside" as you can get as well as outside
at the same time. Why waste this tremendous gift? I
can tell you that your lover doesn't want you
More on Dating Two (or more)
Women at a Time
I really learned a lot from your article
entitled "Dating Two (or More) women at the Same
Time". I have a few questions though and I'd really
appreciate it if you could give me some advice on
this. I recently started dating a woman. I like her
but I know she's not the woman for me in the long
run. She's concerned and tells me she really
doesn't want to see me with other women. She teases
me by implying I have all kinds of women that are
interested in me (which isn't true). When this
happens, I'm really not sure what to say. I don't
want to hurt her feelings, nor seem like my life is
revolving around just her or that I don't have any
options. When she says this, I just smile and tell
her how cute she is. How would you handle this?
Although I don't have much experience in dating two
or more women at the same time, I would like to. At
least until I find one I really want to commit to.
While I have learned a lot, I'm still basically a
nice guy (but no longer a pushover) and I really
don't want to lie to the women I date. Several of
my friends feel that the right thing to do is to
tell each woman up front that I do date other women
so I can never be accused of lying to them,
deceiving them, or setting myself up for them going
Psycho on me. What is your opinion on this? What's
the best thing to say? What's a guideline on when
this conversation should take place? When I get a
call at home, or on my cell phone from another
woman, how should I handle it? How should I address
the caller and how should I word it when I have to
say Where I'm at and with whom? Any advice would be
Thank you so much!
Hello! First, you need to realize that this
woman is trying to make you responsible for her
insecurity. In other words, by implying all that
about other women, she's setting you up to knock
you down. She senses that you're not as committed
to her as she wants so that if she finds you're
dating other women, she can come back and say tell
you what an asshole you are, and "How dare you take
advantage of her trust like that!", etc., etc. You
need to realize that you are NOT responsible for
her emotional well-being - even if you care for
her. She is an adult and is the only one with that
responsibility - she cannot deny it, give it away,
or simply expect anyone else carry this
responsibility. Women do this all the time however.
In the very language she uses, she thinks that she
can guilt you into being only with her. My brother,
not only are you NOT responsible for her
insecurity, you are not obligated to uphold her
expectations (or wishes) for you out of any sense
of duty, honor or responsibility - as long as you
haven't lied to her. I believe that a man's word is
his bond. So, don't agree - even under duress - to
only dating her. Instead, do just what you've been
doing. Treat it as funny, while realizing that you
have your own path, and she has hers. If you DO
meet other women you want to date, for God's sake -
DON'T TELL HER and DON'T LET HER FIND OUT! Many men
do this: they leave little clues around for a woman
to "discover", and believe me; she's looking
constantly for them. She'll notice even small
things like a different color hair in your car! Not
only would it get very messy if she found anything
incriminating, but frankly if you do care about
her, don't set her up to be hurt. You have
responsibilities in dating multiple women, so be a
man, and do what you have to do to protect her
along with yourself. As well, don't get backed into
a corner and become forced to lie to her, or worse,
over commit. Decide that if she DOES back you into
a verbal corner, making you state that you either
are or are not dating someone else, that you'll
have a plan on what to say. Here's what often
happens: a woman will build an artificial situation
that you'll have to deal with, (this, by the way is
called "The Test" - see my book, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World" for more on this), then it will
result in some anger or hurt on her part, (don't
worry, this is all part of The Test). However,
she's going to turn this around into something
where you have to jump through an emotional hoop.
Women do this because they know intuitively that us
men are usually not ready to handle it. Thus, we
can only do one of two things: lie or over commit.
You, my brother, have to be ready for this and deal
with it cleanly and quickly. Always remember that
you have no specific agreement with her to be
monogamous, or to not date other women. Nor will
you make such an agreement! If you get backed into
a corner, you've got to pull this out of your hat
and be ready. Simply state it clearly, plainly, and
without emotion, "I'm sorry, we have no agreement
to be exclusive, and I'm not ready to make one." Be
clear and to the point. As to when this
conversation should take place, realize that she is
going to assume that you're a monogamous couple far
earlier than you will. That's why she's setting you
up right now! She's trying to imply that you are
exclusive, and if you fall into this trap, she's
going to have ammunition if you aren't, so don't
let that happen. Instead, just keep doing what
you're doing - ducking the punches. If you get a
call anywhere from another women when you're with
her, just say on the phone, "I'm sorry, I'm busy
right now and can't talk to you right now." Then,
claim to her that work called, or one of your
buddies, and that you "...wanted to give your
entire attention to her right now..." Even better,
don't carry your cell phone, or answer your home
phone when you're with her. In fact, turn your
answering machine to silent unless you're by
yourself. Vince, believe me, you have the right to
handle your relationships however you want. Beyond
the commitments you've made to her, your time and
freedom are yours. You just have to do some extra
planning and organizing if you want to be
successful at dating multiple women. Best
Why Are Men Obsessed With
I need to understand why some men have are
overly obsessed with porn. Is it that he is
imagining he is having sex with them? Please tell
me it like it is! Thank you
Wouldn't it be nice if there were a one-sentence
answer to that question? The fact is it is rather
more complicated. However, let me try to help you
understand. To understand this, you have to know
one important key about men: men are NOT monogamous
by nature. This isn't my fact by the way; it was
here when I arrived! It is actually one of the
reasons why humans have been so successful a
species! You see, in any animal species where there
are few offspring born, and the infant mortality
rate is high (as it is with gerbils, whales, dogs,
giraffes and humans), the males are "wired" to seek
multiple females for mating. This is how they help
to insure that their genes get passed on to the
next generation. Interestingly, females are
programmed to "pair bond" - that is, to try to
create and sustain a monogamous relationship! By
having a second adult around to protect, gather
food, and raise their young, this is how females
help to insure that THEIR genes get passed along as
well! In actuality pair bonding is a relatively new
thing to humans - we've only been doing it for
5,000 years! Since we've been on this planet, (6
million years), we've been doing it "nature's way"
for 99.92% of the time we've been here! So, what
does this have to do with porn? You see, men
(males) are compelled to try to mate with as many
women (females) as possible. However, they want to
try to meet the expectations of society by staying
in committed, monogamous relationships too. Thus,
porn becomes a safe outlet for men's natural
instincts. By viewing porn, they satisfy their
programming while maintaining their commitments to
their women. You shouldn't be threatened by your
man viewing porn any more than he should be
threatened by you reading romance novels! In fact,
it's his way of dealing with his natural
programming; just as expecting him to be monogamous
and committed to you is yours. Let's talk about the
monogamy part, as it is important to your implied
question. As I mentioned, men are not monogamous by
nature. BUT - we can CHOOSE to be. So, don't try to
force your man to be monogamous - you're just going
against nature, and his natural programming, and
you know what happens when you try to fight nature
- nature wins! Instead, simply be the woman for
whom he chooses to be monogamous! Best
Hello, I have a question for you. Back in July
2000, I met this girl from Germany. She was an
exchange student that my uncle hosted for a whole
year. My uncle lived in California and brought her
back home. When I saw her I couldn't believe it. I
felt like I knew her before I even spoke to her.
She is the most beautiful girl I have ever met. I
took her for a walk one night and tried to tell her
just how I felt but I couldn't find the words to
say. The way I feel is absolutely indescribable.
She told me that she really likes me a lot but not
exactly the same as I liked her. The night before
she left to go back to Germany I stayed up the
entire night writing. Then I gave all 21 pages to
her just before she left. It told her to never
forget me and explained how I felt about her. Later
in an email, she told me that it made her almost
cry. Everything I told her was straight from my
heart and usually I am shy around most girls, but
with her I felt like she was easy to talk to and
easy to approach. For the first time in my life I
actually found something very special. Then the
fall of 2001 came and my uncle was killed in an
accident. She called me and told me she was coming.
She flew all the way from Germany to be with my
family and me. That's the kind of person she is.
When she came I held her close told her how special
she was to me. I think she understood a little
better about how I feel. I am in college now with a
German/Business major, and she is going to a German
University - the same university that I'll go to
during my year of study abroad. Someday I hope to
be working there in Germany. I'd give up anything
for this girl. She's so special and I had the
thought of asking her to marry me running through
my head, but I know that she's not ready for that.
I respect her enough to not rush things. She told
me she doesn't feel so strongly about me as I do
for her. I honestly believe if we spent more time
together things would grow between us. We are
already close but I think we could get A LOT
closer. I think she is afraid of the distance
between us right now. I have thought about nobody
else as far as girls in 2 going on 3 years. Now I
think there has to be something there. In fact I
feel just as strongly about my feelings as I did
when we first met in 2000. Let me know what you
think and be honest about it. THANKS!!!!
Ok my brother, honesty is what you're going to
get. You've got nothing but problems with this
"relationship" and in fact it is all in your mind.
She has so much told you that she isn't interested
in you, even if she is a very, very nice person.
You can't love her enough to make her love you
back. She has to want this for herself, and she has
told you that she doesn't. My brother, you're in
college. This is the time you should be growing
your experience with girls and instead, you're in
love with someone half way around the world. Who
knows how many perfect women you've passed by
waiting for someone that you'll never have? Whether
you're in your town or hers makes no difference,
you're not in her heart the same way she is in
yours. Understand this, I've been exactly where you
are right now. I fully understand what you're going
through, but you've got a delusional situation
going on. You've got to come to grips with the fact
that you're not going to be with this girl in the
way you want. That is a fact. As soon as you get it
into your head, you can start healing, but not one
minute before. I'm sorry if this letter is harsh,
but you need a real dose of reality. There is no
magic in love; in fact, in it's most clinical
sense, it is just a chemical process going on in
your brain. The good news is that you can deal with
it, get over it, and save it for someone that DOES
want the same thing you do. And, that person will
come along too - you just have to be open to her
when she appears. Good luck, much love...
Finding the "G Spot"
I have heard about the "G spot", but I don't
know where it is. How do I stimulate it? I would
very much appreciate some guidance on this issue.
Not everyone even believes that the "g-spot"
exists. I do however, based on my experience, and
most women agree with me on this. The "g-spot", (or
"Gaffenburg Spot"), is an anatomical structure
located inside the vagina, usually about an inch to
2 inches inside. If the woman is lying on her back,
it is located on the top wall of the vagina. You
can find it by inserting one or two fingers into
the vagina with you palm facing up, and curling
your fingers upward to point back at you. (Be sure
to have your nails trimmed!) What you'll find is a
"fleshy" area roughly about the size of a quarter
that has very specialized nerves, much like the
clitoris. Many women report that this spot
generates huge orgasms - even "female ejaculations"
- a very good thing. One way to really work a woman
is you insert your finger into her vagina and
stroke this area, or move your finger in and out
while applying pressure to this area, and lick her
clitoris at the same time. Keep in mind that every
woman is different. Some are so sensitive that they
can't take this much stimulation, and others
absolutely need it. Ask your girl what she prefers,
and experiment! Good luck, much love...
Exploring the Approach
I would like your opinion about an approach I
plan on using on a girl. She is very hot, but of
course I wasn't going to tell her the say thing
most guys do, ("Oh!, Your so beautiful.")
I realize that it is best to NOT shower girls
with compliments, but I do want to get her
interest, and make her think I make her feel
special. Actually, I want a lot more than that, but
I think you get what I'm saying.
She is a hairdresser, and she says she "adores
life and never loses optimism". I was going to
compliment her hair, saying that she looked like a
queen with her hair like that (she had it done up
in a fancy do), and that perhaps she'd look even
more elegant with it down by saying, "It reveals
the lustrous color of your hair. You have very
beautiful hair." She describes herself as a "common
girl", so that might add a different twist to the
compliment that she looks like a queen with her
hair like that.
I figured this is a meaningful compliment that
she will appreciate, since she is a hairdresser and
obviously cares a lot about her hair, and that it
won't come across as bland like "You're so pretty."
Hopefully it will create some interest and
attraction - and at the same time I am not making
myself appear desperate by making it sound like I
would do anything in the world to sleep with
I was also going to say, "You seem to have an
equally beautiful outlook on life. I can tell this
not only because you mentioned it, but because of
your warm smile. I bet you could brighten a dark
room and make a sad person happy to be alive".
Again, I'm trying to avoid sounding like I am
drooling over her.
Does it sound obvious that I am complimenting
her hair because she is a hairdresser, and her
smile because she said she never loses optimism?
Perhaps I am missing something. Perhaps these are
lame compliments, and maybe they are a bad
I'd appreciate your honest opinion please.
You're absolutely right about compliments - DO
NOT give them. Every guy does that and every girl
is wary to it. Further, if she's an "attention
whore" you're just going to play right into her
Along that line, I'd absolutely avoid the "queen
compliment". This isn't a powerful position to come
from. Could you imagine James Bond, or Tom Cruise's
character in "Top Gun" using something like this?
Of course not! You want an approach that is direct
and powerful, not weak.
You should ALWAYS stay away from complimenting
someone's physical features. After all - they
didn't do anything to get them - they were born
with them. Thus, this is always the weakest
position to take, and is seen as such by women. As
well, I'd stay away from her hairdo - one of the
other hairdressers probably gave it to her!
If you absolutely must compliment her (I still
recommend against this), do it in an off-handed
way. Here are two examples:
1) Say, "You look like you have an evil side to
you! [pause] Are you into something dark,
or is that just how you protect your soft side?"
This will get the conversation going so that she
can tell you about her - always a good thing.
2) Say, "You know, you seem like a nice person
to date, but you're a little older than most of the
women I send time with!"
Let's look at this last one. Here's what is
going on: the reason why you can use this is that
it is a pseudo-compliment, but a challenge at the
same time. "Older than" is a challenge to her. You
see, you've already told her that you'd consider
dating her and that she will have to seem
"younger". This is what you want to do - give her
something to strive for! You'd be surprised how
often this works.
Of course, with both of these "approaches"
you're going to have to have something behind them.
In the first case, you'll need to be ready for her
to say either "Yes, I do", or "No, I do not" and
have somewhere else to go with it. You can finish
up with, "You seem like a very interesting lady.
Give me your home phone number and I'll call you
sometime for a drink to continue this."
With the second, you also want to "close".
Here's an example: regardless of what she says, or
even if she gets indignant, just say, "Well, ok -
I'll tell you what. Give me your home phone number,
and I'll call you sometime and you can see if you
can prove that you're really younger than you
My brother, it's not just in the approach, it's
in the close too. Never use a compliment as an
approach - it sends the wrong message, and makes
you look weak. For more, check out "Being a Man in
a Woman's World".
Good luck, much love...
How to Help Him be
Does a cheating man ever change? Is "Once a
cheater always a cheater?" true? If you take him
back will he be faithful to you from now on?
If you've read any of my other articles or my
book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", you know
that I don't believe in the word "cheating". This
is because, by it's very definition, EVERY man is a
"cheater". The word doesn't really describe the
situation properly. You see, by nature's design,
(not mine) men are not monogamous in the first
In any animal species where few offspring are
born, and the infant mortality rate is high (as it
is in tigers, squirrels AND humans), males are
pre-programmed to try to have sex with as many
females as possible in order to pass on their genes
to the next generation.
The concept of "pair-bonds" is actually a very
new feature of our society! If you consider that
humans have been on this planet for about 1.6
million years, (some scientists are beginning to
think it's actually much longer - about 7.5 million
years!), and we've been pair-bonding only for about
5,000 years, that means that we've been doing
things a different way for fully 99.69% of the time
we've been here!
So, what does that have to do with your
This: it gives you a great tool to help your
situation. You see, while men aren't monogamous, we
can CHOOSE to be! In fact, many do. So, here's the
key to your situation: simply be the women for whom
your man chooses to be monogamous!
Many "relationship experts" use this "once a
cheater, always a cheater" statement because they
don't really understand the situation. Consider,
that infidelity happens in many relationships. That
doesn't mean that the male (or female for that
matter) is always going to cheat. For many it's a
one-time thing. Most often it occurs because the
person is looking for something they are not
I don't know the situation in your particular
relationship, but I know this: your man can choose
monogamy over polygamy if he wants to - many, many
men do. He just has to have the right motivation to
So, the question becomes this: what does it take
for him to be monogamous? I don't know the specific
answer, and right now, neither do you. That doesn't
mean that you can't know it however. Consider that
if you become the woman that gives him everything
he wants in his relationship, he's not going to be
looking elsewhere to have it fulfilled.
How are you going to know what these things are?
Ask him! But, when you ask him, don't just sit down
and say, "Ok, tell me all the things I have to do
to keep you from cheating." You're not going to get
anywhere with this. Instead, strive to understand
him and his needs. Get to know what things he finds
important in himself and in his relationship.
Then, all you need to do is simply adopt these
things within yourself.
Good luck, much love...
Get Over Being Shy!!
There's this girl at school who is a real
knockout. She and I really hit it off, and I want
to ask her out on a date. I've given that up now
however. There's another guy that's really good
looking and smooth that's been spending time with
I used to be quite close with her, and now it
feels like he's taken her away from me, and I'm too
shy to compete with this guy.
Is there anything I can do?
If you're too shy, then just lie down, do
nothing, and be alone the rest of your life.
My brother, I fully understand how you feel, but
you aren't going to use the "shy guy" crap with me.
I know how much anxiety this can give you, but
you're just going to have to get over it as it's
going to affect you the rest of your life
negatively if you don't.
The good news is that you CAN get over it!
You're don't have to be shy the rest of your life
and just suffer with whatever life gives you. You
can actually take what you want, (and leave the
rest to the other "shy guys" out there!)
You do this by getting yourself educated. I
suggest that you read my book as a very good start.
In addition, decide right now that you're not going
to use being shy as an excuse any more. Just stop
it. It's time to grow up and be a man. If you're
not sure how to do this, that's ok - that's what
the education will give you. But, don't let that
stop you either.
Find a "role model" whose persona you can adopt.
I like James Bond or Tom Cruise's character in "Top
Gun". These are great models to follow. Then, fake
it until you make it!
Just because this guy has already taken the
first step doesn't mean that you're out. After all,
it's HER decision - not his! Just go up to her and
say, "You know, we need to spend some time together
and get to know each other. Let's have coffee this
week. How's either Thursday or Saturday?"
Believe me my brother - it really IS that
simple! Take a few small steps, get a few successes
and watch your confidence level soar!
Good luck, much love...
In Love At A Distance
Dear Dr. Neder,
I met a wonderful girl in beginning of 2002 in
San Francisco on a trip from my home in Los
Angeles. It felt really natural being around her.
She is highly educated and graduated from the one
of the best law schools in the country. She is very
personable, a flirt, has high standards, good moral
value, educated, mature, decisive, over-analyzing,
and very courageously bold. Not to brag but the
same goes for me. We both respect our Middle
Eastern culture but grew up in a somewhat secular
We hit it off great but I had to leave after a
few days. She wrote and we started the
socialization process. We spent hours on the phone
every night and spoke about everything and shared
the same passions for nearly everything in
Man, I thought to myself I am not going mess
this prospect up. I never had met a girl like her
before. I fell in love with her almost
Three months into our process of getting to know
each other and opening the way for a prospective
relationship, things went sour. It happened when I
asked if she wanted to me to visit her. All of a
sudden she disappeared for two weeks, no phone
calls and no emails.
All of a sudden she reemerged and started
dropping subtle hints about her disinterest in me.
About six months after I met her, I wrote a very
personal email to her to which I received a phone
call from her. She says her intuition told her I
was not the guy for her. She said that during those
two weeks she realized that there was no romantic
spark with me.
I've asked a few friends about this situation.
One said, "I am sure she will decide to give your
relationship a chance." Another friend said, "Don't
let her go if she means so much to you!"
What do I think? I think they are both right! My
heart agrees and says go after her. My intellect
says it's her loss if she does not allow for a
prospect. I promised her that I would try to be the
best friend she ever had. I care too much about her
to put her in a awkward situation of having to fend
off my advances.
I am going to concentrate on being her best
friend without ulterior intentions. She deserves
the best and I am the best friend she can have and
more if she desires it. However, my feelings for
her are not diminishing.
I am absolutely confused and don't know where to
My brother, while I'm sorry you're going through
this, I hope you really feel it burn. I hope that
this searing pain is going to be ingrained in you
forever so that you never forget this lesson: you
must NEVER become a woman's friend unless that is
ALL you ever want with her. Period.
You've got yourself into a terrible situation
1) You're her friend; this means that you will
NEVER be anything else to her.
2) She controls all the cards - not you.
3) This is a long-distance relationship. How
often do I try to talk people out of this?
4) About a thousand more reasons why that I
won't bother to go into here.
The reason why you want to "...be the best
friend she ever had..." is that you're hoping to
"work it from the inside". That is, you're hoping
that by "being there for her" and that she'll see
what a great guy you are and fall in love with you.
This ONLY happens in movies - it isn't going to
happen for you here. This isn't realistic.
I understand that it's difficult to see what IS
real, so I'm going to help you. First, stop this
madness right now! Because of the way you feel, you
can never be this "friend" to her. Not only will
your emotional demands be far too great on her, but
she's always going to know you have these ulterior
motives and will constantly be guarding herself
against them. That's the way it is.
Next, you've got to cease contact with her.
Until you do this (either by your own hand, or
hers), you're never going to get over this. You've
got to get started on healing as soon as possible.
Until you do, this is just going to linger and
you're going to continue to fade.
Here's something else you need to consider. I
too live here in the Los Angeles area. You've found
someone that you believe is your "soul mate", who
happens to live in San Francisco. There are 34.5
million people that live in California; 9.6 million
of which live in Los Angeles County. San Francisco
County has 770 thousand people. Are you really
convinced that you could never find anyone as good
(or even better) than this woman when there are
over 12 times as many people right in your own
Believe me, you don't have just one soul mate,
in fact, you have thousands - maybe even 10's of
thousands or even 100's of thousands! You've
focused all your energy on a single person. While I
understand why you've done this, don't delude
yourself into thinking that she is the only one.
While you're pining away waiting for her to call
you, you're missing all the others that are passing
It sounds like your friends are solidly behind
you here and you should lean on them during this
transition period. Let them help you get out there
and work on the healing. In addition, this would be
a good time to pick up and read, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World" as it's going to give you new tools
to help prevent this from ever happening again.
Good luck, much love...
Focus on Yourself
Dear Dr. Neder:
I am recently out of a fairly long-term
relationship, (4 1/2 years). We have lived together
for this time and are currently living together. My
ex-girlfriend broke it off with me about a month
and a half ago. I'm still not sure exactly why as
she has never been able to communicate this to me.
We have always had a strong bond and a genuine love
for one another.
Last year, she moved out because she had more
stress than she could handle and didn't know how to
deal with it. At the time her Grandmother was very
sick and she, a recent college grad was unable to
find any work. She slipped into depression and
withdrew from me in every possible way. After 4
months of living separately and having found a new
job she wanted to return and all was well.
Three months or so passed and the job that paid
well but did not challenge or reward her otherwise
was now a major source of unhappiness for her. Once
again I was shut out. We agreed to read a book
about healing relationship problems. I read the
book and finished all of the exercises and felt
really optimistic about our future. She never read
the book, (which was her idea), and claimed she
didn't have the emotional energy.
I decided to move out at the end of this month
and still intend to. I did not see or speak to her
for three weeks and was just beginning to feel
accepting of the circumstances when, she asked to
spend the day with me on Sunday and I agreed. We
had a nice day but I feel it has really set me back
emotionally. I want nothing more than to work
things out and eventually get married. However I
don't know if she sincerely wants to repair our
relationship or just be friends, which I know I am
not capable of at the moment. Do you think I should
press for her to know her intentions or just let
things play themselves out at the risk of having to
deal with it all again later?
I see men make this mistake all the time - they
want to take responsibility for someone else's
feelings, emotions and bad behavior so that they
can "repair" them.
Your ex seems to have a lot of drama going on in
her life - most of it self-inflicted. She also
knows that you're there to put on the big red nose
and floppy shoes anytime she's feeling blue.
Further, she can come and go as she pleases - all
without any complaint from you! What I see here
isn't a problem with the relationship - I see a
focus problem. Her focus is her, and YOUR focus is
This is a good time to start focusing on
yourself instead. It sounds like the situation is
simply pushing you - who should be the "director"
of the relationship - around. You're at the mercy
of every emotional flip-flop she has, and rather
than taking a stand and expecting her to pull her
own weight, you're moving out.
Ok, so what should you do about all of this?
First, I'd strongly suggest that you get "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" to see how women WANT
their men to act. I can tell you this: it's not how
you're acting right now.
Second, you've got to decide that if you're
going to move out - it's for good - not for HER
good! Any action you take at this point should be
only for YOUR benefit - she's made her (poor)
decisions for herself. You need to make some for
yourself too. At this point, I wouldn't recommend
that you consider marriage. Could you imagine being
married and being in this same situation? That
would be a living hell.
Third, you need to get a perspective of what a
"healthy" relationship looks like. Again, the book
will help you here too, but I'd suggest that you
start meeting some new women - some that aren't so
focused on their own "issues" that they can't see
there is a worthwhile person with whom they can
share their lives. This woman doesn't sound like
one of these at all!
If you want to turn things around, you've got to
change your perspective. Stop living to make things
right with her and start living to seek what's best
for you. Believe me, she's doing this, and
apparently has been since you moved in together.
Women write to me all the time and tell me that
they want men that have a strong direction in their
lives and in their relationships. Your direction
here has been all about her - what she wants, if
she's sad, her need for entertainment, etc.,
Healthy relationships are all about being more
of the good things you already are because of
Good luck, much love...
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year
& a half now. We both feel that we are truly
each other's soul mates and the relationship we
have is a special one that only comes once in a
lifetime. But, just like any other couple we have
had our rough times and "tests" to see if we are
really destined to be with each other.
Eight months into our relationship we started
experiencing the normal daily fights and tensions
couples go through. And during that time I was
under the influence of Depo-Provera, a form of
birth control that lasts for 3 months and has a big
effect on a woman's emotions. During that time I
would cry for almost anything and I know it would
aggravate my partner. Even though I would remind
him that it was out of my control, he would still
not believe me and think I was just blaming it on
the shot. I recently found out that during that
time (exactly 1 month) he was seeing someone
When I confronted him about it, of course he
denied it at first, but then he started crying and
he told me the truth about the matter and how sorry
he was and that he doesn't know how he could have
done that to me at a time I needed him the most. He
reminds me that it was almost a year ago and he did
not feel anything for her nor engage in any sexual
activities with her (I called her to confirm this
by the way).
Now he realizes that the shot did influence the
way I was acting and he says he made the biggest
mistake of his life and he is extremely sorry for
it and he will make it up to me. I broke up with
him and made him suffer for a whole week, but I
can't deny the fact that I still love him and he
has showed me he is sorry.
My problem is this: now that we are together
again how do I learn to trust him and know that he
will not hurt me? He claims that he has learned his
lesson and the thought of loosing me just drives
him crazy! Everyone tells me to forget about that
incident and forgive him, but I just don't want it
to happen again.
HELP ME PLEASE!!! How can I trust him again and
get back the beautiful relationship we once
If you're looking for a relationship where there
are absolute assurances that you won't be hurt, you
need to forget it and just accept the fact that
you'll be alone the rest of your life. My dear,
there just isn't such a thing. It's impossible to
have for yourself or to expect anyone to promise
Regarding "trust" let me ask you a question: do
you "trust" him to get something up from the store
that he said he would? Do you "trust" him to pick
you up when he as promised? Do you "trust" him to
not steal your money, and to not burn your house
down? My point is this: trust is a matter of
degree. You've asked me how you can learn to trust
him again. The fact is, you already do.
Let's look at things a little differently. Just
like you said, you "...broke up with him and made
him suffer for a whole week." This doesn't sound
like love to me. It sounds like revenge. Worse yet,
you did this for what? He didn't even sleep with
her! You confirmed that yourself! All of this drama
has come about just because he spent time with her
any maybe even kissed her? I think your actions are
cruel and not that of someone that loves someone
Despite what you think, or what you wish - you
can't "own" another person. Even a married person
is free to make his or her own choices. You can't
make him do anything and in fact, have caused
damage to your own relationship by trying to
"punish" him. My question is: how can he trust
The only place you can look for trust is within
yourself. You need to see things from a different
perspective - that YOU are in control only of YOU -
nobody else. Taking responsibility for oneself is
the highest way to live. Trying to make others do
that for you is the lowest. You deserve better than
Don't place your well being in someone else's
hands. What if he doesn't live up to it? Instead,
come to the realization that you are worthy of his
fidelity, and expect him to abide by it. If you
don't get it, you'll understand that you've simply
made a mistake in your belief of who he is, and you
can move on to find someone that DOES meet it, with
you head high, and your self-esteem intact.
Good luck, much love...
Making the First Move
Ok, so you've been on three dates together and
you're ready for something a little bit more, er,
"mature". How do you go about making that first
move? This article will explore that important,
Men: unless you're James Bond (by the way -
you're not!) she probably isn't going to excuse
herself and "slip into something more comfortable".
If she does, it's probably going to be some flannel
pajamas, slippers, and a bathrobe - a sign that
she's ready for you to leave!
Women expect that you know when to make your
move. Further, they expect you to be sophisticated
and smooth about it. Clumsy, boyish behavior
doesn't fit with her image of being "swept off her
feet", and you don't really want this critical step
to end in laughter!
First, let's explore the rules for The First
1) Women control the speed of the relationship -
and the sex - not men.
2) Women know if they'll sleep with you within 5
minutes of meeting you.
3) Even if a woman does go out with you, she
won't tell you if she plans to sleep with you or
4) Women will usually NOT make the first
5) If you don't make the right move at the right
time, the women will usually think you're weak, an
oaf, gay, or just not interested.
6) Women and men view sex differently - women
use sex to bond and create intimacy, men use sex to
decide if they want to get more intimate.
How to Make That "First Move" (for
Because of the rules stated above, you have to
be somewhat careful of when and where to make your
move. You want this to appear spontaneous, and,
with the right preparation - you can! These seem to
go against each other - prepare to be spontaneous?
Yes - remember the 7 "P's": "Prior, Proper Planning
Prevents Piss-Poor Performance!"
Give some thought to your moves before using
them. This will help to make them appear more
comfortable and therefore spontaneous. So, with
that introduction, here are the steps:
1) Be sure you're ready - once you begin, you
can't go back! Just like that move when you were in
High School where you stretch and your arm "just
happens" to wind up around your date's shoulder.
Also, do you have a condom? You don't? Then forget
it! Remember: "No glove - NO LOVE!"
2) Be reasonably sure she's ready. How do you
know she's ready? You can't really be 100 percent
sure, but you can get pretty close if you just pay
attention. First, is she using the right body
language? For example:
- Touching you both accidentally and on
- Sitting or leaning against you
- Looking right into your eyes, examining your
face - especially your mouth
- Leaning toward you as you speak?
- Using an "open posture" - arms uncrossed;
legs open, or if crossed, not excluding
- Playing with her hair, exposing her palms
and wrists to you?
Also, has she just told you she has an
early-morning meeting, or has relatives staying at
her place? She is probably telling you that this
isn't the right time. In short, be open to
3) Make sure you're in the right place. Once you
get things started, you don't want to have to stop
and drive somewhere else. Why not get there and
then make your move - you'll keep things from
cooling off - and possibly a change of heart. Also,
make sure that you're in a private setting - even
if you're in the back seat of your car. Nothing
spoils the mood like someone watching (well, unless
you both are into that!)
4) Plan plenty of time Having an appointment in
30 minutes isn't going to create a romantic
atmosphere. Be sure you have enough time to really
spend getting you both ready.
5) Have a proper "buildup" You don't want to
show up at her door, walk in and start putting on
the moves. Poor form old buddy! Plan a simple, but
romantic date. Don't go to the movies or the
theatre - you need time to talk and establish a
6) Ready? Ok, let's go So, what's the first
thing you should do? Get your confidence up. Wait
for a comfortable break in the conversation. Then,
take her hands in yours, draw her close to you and
gently kiss her on the lips. Don't shove your
tongue down her throat, and don't kiss her like
she's your grandmother. Make it linger just a
little too long, and give her a chance to respond.
You might also want to offer a back or foot massage
- these are almost impossible to resist!
7) When she's ready to move, she'll usually let
you know But, what if she doesn't? Some women let
you take charge when they're ready. You can start
by kissing her neck and gently nibbling on her
lower lip. Brush your nose gently around hers.
Explore her neck and face with yours. Run your
hands around her back, then slowly to her ass. Note
8) Don't go for the "goodies" until you've spent
some time earning them! If you're in a hurry to get
her out of her clothes, she'll assume that you're
just as fast at everything else. Let things build
on their own - at their own pace. Let them move
along slowly, don't force them - or get in the way
of them either!
How to Make That "First Move" (for
Frankly, this is a lot easier for women. You
probably already know what to do. Here's a
1) Make sure you're ready. If you're trying to
seduce him just because you're afraid of losing
him, you're not in the best place and should
reconsider. Also, you should carry condoms on you.
Remember - you both are responsible for preventing
the spread of disease and unwanted children!
2) Don't worry about him - he's ready!
3) Ask him to go some place more private - like
your place You don't really need to go into
anything more than this - the invitation is all
4) Let him know that you're ready If you're not
comfortable just telling him (few women are!), let
him know in other ways. Use open body language, get
close to him and use physical contact, lay your
head on this chest, use eye contact, talk "sex",
5) Important - give the conversation a break!
This is the most often missed aspect of the first
move. If he is politely listening to you and you go
on and on without a break - where's he supposed to
jump in? If you're nervous, this is especially
difficult. Just try to be aware of your
6) There is nothing wrong with you making the
first move You absolutely can put your hands on
either side of his face and kiss him. In fact, some
men actually wait for this because they don't know
when to make a move themselves. You can even tell
him that you're ready.
7) Feeling bold? I've had many women tell me
that they were ready by standing up and stripping
for me, or take off their blouse and turn to walk
into the bedroom. I mean, how obvious do you need
to get? If this doesn't work for him, you've got
the wrong guy!
8) Help him along This is a strange thing to
say, but many women don't understand that their men
might not know what to do - or at least what you
like. If you don't tell him (or subtly show him),
how's he going to know? Believe me, men don't read
Many people don't know what to do after the
first sexual experience with a new partner. At
least the first time, don't plan to spend the
night. Why not? If you do, you'll probably need
your regular things for the morning - toothbrush,
deodorant, denture cream, (just kidding!), etc. If
you whip out the overnight kit, all of your work
making this a spontaneous event will be lost.
Also, don't just jump up grab your clothes and
bolt! Spend some time cuddling or at least telling
stories and having a laugh. This doesn't have to be
deep and intimate - just spend some time saying
that you enjoyed each other. You might want to grab
some dessert out of the fridge, or watch the end of
an old movie. Men - if you want an encore
performance, this step is critical!
Finally, have fun! This isn't the end - it's the
Why are Beautiful Women
Let's face it - sometimes we men thing ALL women
are crazy! The fact is - everyone is crazy
sometimes. Yes - even you (maybe ESPECIALLY you -
you be the judge). That is, everyone does things
that others perceive as crazy. Many women seem to
be particularly prone to acts of craziness.
Beautiful women are even more so.
What makes beautiful women more likely to be
crazy? The simple answer is, that they are given
more opportunity to be crazy, and crazy behavior
seems to be more readily accepted from them. That
is, they learn crazy behavior and that they can get
away with it. Further, we men often help them along
by allowing (even encouraging) craziness in our
relationships with them.
Before we get too deeply into all of this, let's
explore some concepts we'll use in a few
*"Crazy" verse "Neurotic"
A psychologist friend of mine says, "Neurotics
build castles in the sky,psychotics live in them,
and psychologists collect the rent!"
It's important to differentiate "crazy" and
"neurotic". Specifically, neurotic behavior can be
thought of as individual actions that seem
inappropriate, obsessive, or dangerous -
particularly in the context of a situation. Crazy
behavior is more of a lifestyle and usually
involves psychotic activity. It affects almost
every aspect of a person's life, and tends to
directly impact those that come in contact with the
We've all heard jokes about "that time of the
month" or "being one boy scout short of a
jamboree", etc., but you really need to look
closely at a new girlfriend's behavior to see how
its going to impact you in the long run. You see,
she will probably not start off showing you
craziness early in your relationship. If she starts
saying or doing crazy things when you first meet
her, walk away and don't look back - this is the
best she's going to be!
Here are some examples of crazy behavior:
- Everything is fine until all of a sudden,
she goes into a raging fit over nothing
- She goes through your personal things and
then goes ballistic when she finds something
inconsequential (note: she shouldn't be looking
through anything of yours in the first place -
nor should you!)
- She is obsessed with purchasing the perfect
belt, handbag or pair of shoes, when she already
has closets full of them at home
- Her mood changes constantly
- She is consumed by the fear that someone is
watching her, has put a curse on her, or is
going to get into a car accident
- She showers 3 times a day, but never works
It is appropriate to note that men can be crazy
too. However, because of societal pressures on men,
they don't seem to be crazy (or neurotic) quite as
frequently as women. In general crazy behavior is
not tolerated as readily in men as in women.
For the remainder of this article, we'll use the
word "crazy" to refer to women that are neurotic or
mildly crazy - not the clinically insane.
Best Sex You'll Ever Have
Yes - it's sad but true; you'll never have sex
like the sex you get with crazy women. Why? It
seems that acting crazy automatically reduces or
eliminates concern for the views of others. They
get "used to" being viewed by others and learn to
ignore it, or even revel in the attention it
brings. Thus, the crazy lady is more likely to be
open to new ideas, especially sex. However, always
remember that crazy women are not necessarily more
sexual - this is a common misconception of the
The one exception to this is the obsessive woman
who focuses too heavily on what people think.
However, this tends to be more of a self-image
issue than true neurotic behavior.
Crazy Is As Crazy Does
Actions speak louder than words - it really
doesn't matter what she says. In fact, unless
you're well versed in translating "Womenese" into
English, focus 90 to 95% of your attention on her
actions. Watch what she does. Does she need to rub
the body of an airplane before she boards it for
good luck? Does she make weekly visits to a tarot
card reader? Will she avoid making decisions until
she gets the advice of "Boots", her cat?
There are many highly intelligent women that are
crazy. Why does this make a difference? Because,
many of these intelligent women are also usually
high-functioning. That is, they; despite their
mental states, can proceed through life without
severe barriers. They make others around them think
that they are perfectly sane and rational. So much
so that many people simply brush off their crazy
behavior as eccentric.
You Don't Have To Buy Into It!
I have an adage that I live by - I ignore all
neurotic statements made by normal people, and ANY
statement made by neurotic people! Remember,
regardless of how beautiful she is you don't have
to put up with craziness - especially if it impacts
Can you change her? Well, if you're a clinical
psychologist, psychiatrist, or other health care
professional - maybe. The next question is, should
you? Probably not. The time and effort in trying to
change someone's behavior that has likely been
learned over a lifetime is enormous.
Ok, so what if you're already in a relationship
with a crazy woman and you're committed to making
it work? First, you should check you own
motivations - I know too many men that spend their
lives trying to fix their partner's problems. They
do this first for their own sense of
accomplishment. Then, when they fail it becomes
something of a quest - they continue to beat their
heads against the wall.
If you still think you can change her, the very
first thing you need to do is let her know that you
will absolutely not accept any further crazy
behavior - in other words, you expect her to act
sane. When she beings an "episode", bring her back
to reality and have her confirm it. For example, a
black cat crosses your path and she freaks, say,
"Honey, black cats have no meaning and we left
superstition back in the last millennium - right?"
Frankly, for some people it is next to impossible,
especially if she really has some organic problem.
Remember however, we're talking about neurotic
women here, not the clinically insane.
What do you do when she slips back into neurotic
behavior? Bring the specific action to her
attention immediately and remind her that you will
not tolerate it. Then, take her home and tell her
that when she decides to be rational, she can call
you - but not before. In order for this to work,
you're going to have to be consistent. If you let
your guard down even once, you're opening the door
for more of that zaniness, and you'll have to start
back at square one.
You should also get her into some type of
counseling as quickly as you can. Many productive
lives have been saved by a few sessions with
someone trained to recognize and redirect neurotic
behavior. Neurotic behavior can sometimes get worse
if not treated.
Many men, having originally gone for the "10's"
are settling for the "7's", "8's" and "9's" in
order to get away from all the drama. I also
believe that this is at least one of the reasons
why you see so many beautiful women on the arms of
older guys (besides the obvious - money, power,
etc.) These guys are better able to handle all the
wackiness of being with these women.
So, what's it going to be - a crazy trophy, or a
sane, down to earth pretty girl? You decide.
Stop Being Used!
For the past 3 years or so I've been involved
with a girl whom I just can't seem to get to the
next level with. Currently we live 50 miles apart.
She is a recovering drug addict living in a
Seems to me that the only reason she keeps me
around for is financial support.
The only time she calls me is when she needs
cash. I see her maybe once a week and sex is an
ancient and mysterious issue. It's been over a year
since we were intimate, and we've had our chances.
She claims she has no desire for it.
Of course I take this very personally and it's
gotten to the point where it doesn't even faze me
anymore. I do not want to feel this way, I like sex
very much but with this girl I don't see much
coming my way.
Being she is not around I've had a few chances
to go out with other girls but my conscience won't
let me. She says she loves me but I beg to differ.
I mean to me she is like having another kid. She is
very immature for her age (31) She has a lot of
problems brought on by her drug use. (HIV,
hepatitis, depression, etc.)
In the beginning I pitied her but now I've
gotten sick of her game (the illnesses) and how she
tries to use people. Every time I make a move to
let go my heart gets in the way. I don't mind
helping people but I've gone far and beyond the
call of duty with this girl. I'm living her life -
How do I get this cat off my back porch once and
for all? I don't want to hurt her but I guess there
is no other way. She'll get over it and we'll both
be better off. The chances of her changing for me
are slim to none. I have no other choice but to let
her go, right?
Tired of being used
For God's sake! What the hell are you
Ok, let's summarize your situation here:
1) She's a (recovering) drug addict
2) She lives in a halfway house
3) She's a long distance away from you (50
4) You only see her once a week
5) You suspect that she's only seeing you because
you give her money, and presumably gifts
6) You give her emotional support
7) You have no sex life with her, and she isn't
interested in one with you
8) You have no real emotional life, other than
supporting all her drama
9) She's HIV positive, has hepatitis, and is a
Oh, yeah, one more thing: you're in love with
Jack - you're an asshole.
There, I said it. I regret it, and am sorry to
be so brutish, but it's true.
What are you thinking? The most beautiful woman
on the planet couldn't even make these negatives
worthwhile! Just please tell me that you haven't
been doing this for months, let alone years!
What should you do? First, find her telephone
number, her address, and anything she's ever given
you. Next, pile them all up in the backyard, douse
liberally with gasoline, add one flaming match and
have yourself a "freedom bonfire". Absolutely DO
NOT, under any circumstance contact this woman
again! I don't care what her story is, what she
needs, what she promises you - nothing. In
psychological parlance, you are an "enabler" -
someone that makes it possible for another with an
addictive personality to live in his or her
addiction. It sounds like she's simply traded one
addiction (drugs) for another (abusing you).
This woman has her problems, but the REAL
problem is you! Why do you think you have to live
like this? What makes you believe that there is
anything healthy in all of this? My brother, you
seem like a nice guy - too nice. You deserve
something healthy and worthwhile - and this
situation ain't it!
Do you want to see how men with a healthy
self-image, and ones that really care about women
think, act and live? Pick up a copy of "Being a Man
in a Woman's World", then READ IT!
You might also want to consult a therapist for a
couple of sessions just to see why you have the
ability to accept this abuse. You are either
blinded by your need for her, or your need for
abuse. Believe me, you don't need it or deserve
Next, get yourself out there and start meeting
some new people - but only those that are stable.
You're going to be amazed at how much your life
turns around when you're immersed in the mentally
Good luck, much love...
My Man Doesn't Want Sex!
I just read your article "Breaking Up", and I
found it to be very useful. It help me to
understand a little of what I am going through and
how to go about ending the relationship. My
boyfriend and I have been involved now for 4 yrs.
Our problem is sex - he is not a very affectionate
person and believes you should not make love all
the time. So we only make love once every 3 to 5
months or more depending on our schedules. We do
not kiss much unless I ask, hold hands or make any
physical contact. I myself, am a very affectionate
person and need to have that contact in order to
feel that he still loves me and wants to be with
me. Now because of this I feel very distant from
him and tend to want to venture off with other men,
to fill the void that he does not satisfy. Should I
break up our relationship and move on? I tried
talking to him about it, but he thinks I am going
thorough a phase and I will get over it soon, so he
does not listen to me or make any changes. Help!
What should I do? Is their any way I can get
through to him? Or is it just not meant to be?
Dazed & Confused
I'll let you in on a little secret about men -
some men lose interest in their partners sexually.
No, its true!
As I discuss in my book, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World", men have a biological propensity to
seek multiple sex partners. This way (as it is with
any species that produces few offspring), he
insures that his genes are passed on to the next
generation. Up until the beginning of the 20th
century, the infant mortality rate was about 50%.
So, to counter this low birth rate with a high
death rate, nature spent 1.6 billion years building
the desire in men to have multiple partners. By
seeking multiple partners, men help to insure that
at least some of their offspring survive. For
reasons that don't deal with your question, very
few women posses this same drive.
Some men have turned this "hunting instinct"
into something else - the innate desire to find
multiple partners causes them to lose sexual
interest in their current partner. I hear this from
many of my readers, so you're not alone.
Interestingly, this doesn't seem to have much to do
with love - he probably still loves you (in his
way). Further, when you're apart for any length of
time, his interest in you probably grows
I'll bet that when you first started going out
together, you and he we're banging it out just
about every night. Then, slowly this frequency
began to drop, where now you're having sex only
about once every 3 to 5 months - and he is asking
Its obvious from your letter that you need the
physical closeness. For many people physical
closeness is absolutely necessary for mental
health! In my book, in the section under
"Communication" I discuss a number of communication
types. From your description, I'll bet you're a
"physical sexual" and your boyfriend is an
"emotional sexual". Without going into all the
details, suffice it to say that, you use your
physicalness - your body - to protect your
emotions, and you crave physical connection to
support your emotions. Your boyfriend does the
Ok, that's enough science - so, what do you
First, you need to recognize that you're not
going "get over" your need for physical expression.
That's like saying that your dog is going to "get
over" the need to be furry! On the other hand
you're probably not going to change him to be more
You're going to need to make a decision here.
You really have three choices:
1) live with things the way they are, realizing
that his interest in sex and physical closeness
will continue to wane while yours doesn't; 2) split
with him and find another partner; or 3) stay with
him and try again to discuss your needs, and, if
not met, satisfy them elsewhere.
You're already living in situation #1, so I
can't really give you any advice here. You've read
my article on breaking up, so you know about this
as well. Thus, I'll discuss the last option. If you
choose this, (and, it is wrought with problems!),
let me offer some ideas:
You're going to need to make a stand here. Find
a time when you're not interrupting something else
- you want your boyfriend's full attention. Tell
him that you're unhappy with the sexual and
physical part of your relationship with him. Tell
him you still love him, but feel compelled to
satisfy your physical needs. Explain that you're
not going to "get over it". Then, be quiet and
listen to, and watch his reactions.
Is he committed to making a difference? Is he
genuinely concerned about you and your needs? If
so, does he actually make the effort over the next
few weeks and months? If things again begin to drop
off, is he willing to discuss it with you and try
to deal with it? If not, and you choose to venture
outside your relationship here's what you need to
First - USE PROTECTION!!! Don't assume that your
new partner will handle this - you take the lead.
This is an absolute must - no excuses. It is your
responsibility. Get some condoms (hidden so that he
will NOT find them!), and use them every time - no
Second - don't tell your boyfriend, or allow him
find out about it! Let me explain this. Many people
use their straying as an excuse to inflict damage
and hurt on their non-conforming partner. Others
feel guilt and try to relieve their own guilt by
"coming clean". In either case, the unknowing
partner is always damaged and the perpetrating
partner is never cleansed. If you choose this path,
you have the absolute responsibility to protect
your primary partner. You may choose to stray
because you love yourself, but protect him because
you love him. Don't cause further harm to someone
else - if you choose this path, you must also
choose the responsibility it holds. You have much
to consider here.
Notice, that in the last paragraph, I haven't
used the word "cheat". I purposely avoid this word
because I don't believe in it. I believe that there
are circumstances that affect every relationship
beyond any outside person's understanding of it. To
judge a situation you're not directly involved with
is to assume you know everything about it and view
it with an open mind - quite arrogant. You (and
your boyfriend) are the only ones capable of
judging your relationship - not me or anyone else.
Our society preaches monogamy and curses "outside
adventures", but offers no acceptable alternative.
Further, it doesn't recognize the huge number of
dynamics involved in every relationship. By the
way, men are not the only ones who venture outside
of a primary relationship. Women explore outside
possibilities just as often as men, but they do so
for different reasons.
Even when we're in a committed, monogamous
relationship, we're still on our own. You can't own
or control another person in the long run, but you
can control your own happiness and health. In fact,
it is your responsibility to do this. I wish this
happiness for you in whatever decision you make.
Please let me know how things turn out.
Handling a Difficult
What is the best way to handle a chick that is
being rude or saying smart-assed shit to you? I
would think that if you just walk away from them
you look like a pussy.... Any advice?
In my experience, people (even women!) usually
aren't rude without some reason. For example, if
you approach some woman and she reacts badly, the
problem isn't you (as long as you were reasonably
respectful and courteous) the problem was with the
woman. You have no way of knowing what kind of day
she had. Perhaps you the 8th guy that hit on her
that day, or maybe she just broke up with her
So, the first point is this: don't worry or be
bothered by it if she's rude! Just realize that
she's in a bad place, and that it's not your fault.
Maybe her mother never bothered to teach her any
manners. In fact, you can even go the other way -
give her kindness back. Here's a great example:
One time, I was in a restaurant with a date. The
restaurant was full, and the waitress was hopping
just to keep up. When she walked up to the table, I
asked her a question. Her response? "Did you read
the menu??" Now, I could have reacted and threw it
back in her face. Instead, I said, "Look, it's very
busy in here, and you're obviously under a lot of
pressure. Everyone seems to get hungry at the same
time! We're going to be here for a while, and are
not in a hurry. Why don't you take care of some of
the other people with less time, and we'll be here
when you're ready."
She stopped and looked at me, paused, and said,
"I'm sorry for being rude, it's really been a day
here. What was it you wanted to know?" So I
persisted, "No, that's ok - go get some of the
pressure off, we're not in any hurry." She came
back with, "No, really, I'm very sorry and want to
help you." We got great service from that point on,
and she even made a point to stop me on our way out
and thank me again for being so understanding!
In a first-meeting situation, you can use
exactly this tack too - just say something like,
"Look, I'm sorry you're irritated - I really don't
know what your day has been like. I just thought I
might try to brighten it a little. I hope things
get better for you." Then walk away with your pride
Let's look at another situation, you're chatting
up some girl at a bar, or elsewhere, she seems
interested, but is trying to bust your chops. This
is a completely different situation entirely. She's
trying to throw you off-balance, but is expressing
interest as well. Here, you want to try to use
Humor is difficult for many people - some are
just not funny! You can learn to be funny, but it
takes practice. For example, if she were sitting
with her friends and tried something like that with
me, I'd look at her friends and in a loud-whisper
say, "Yeah - I remember MY first beer too!"
Perhaps she says something like, "I don't talk
to strangers!" My response? "Well, how do you know
I'm a stranger if you've never met me?" Humor can
go a long way.
The last point is that you can't just rely on
one or two approaches to determine how women will
react to you. It's a man's job to make the initial
approach. It may seem unfair, but that's the way
the game is played. You've got to go through many,
many of these to gain the experience to handle
One idea that I teach guys in my "Hunting
Sessions" is called the "20 No's". This means that
you go out over a week or two and actively seek 20
"No's" from women. Why would you do that? Because;
even as special as you are, you're not so special
as to fail every single time! Dispersed among those
20 "no's", will be at least a few "yes's"! So what
if you get 20 no's, when you've got 5 yes's to work
To summarize, first, don't be bothered by
someone's rudeness - that isn't your problem. Your
problem is to learn basic social skills and to use
them. The second point is to be somewhat prepared
for situations through study and experience. The
last point? Dating is a numbers game. Use the
numbers to get the success you want!
Good luck, much love...
How Do I Get Her Out Of His
My ex-husband and I have been divorced 3 years.
We were married 13 years and have 2 children. For
the last 8 months we have started having sex again.
He has a girlfriend that almost lives with him, but
will not tell her he is seeing me. I have tried to
tell her this but she won't believe me.
I want to get our family back together but I'm
not sure how to show him that this is the best
thing. How do I get her out of the picture, so that
nobody else gets hurt?
Obviously, I don't know your family situations,
but you might want to ask yourself, if getting
everything back together is REALLY the best thing.
After all, you divorced for some reason. Just
because you're having sex again doesn't mean that
the relationship will work again. Putting two
people together in a live-in arrangement adds
tremendous amounts of stress to the relationship,
(as you already know!)
I think you've done the wrong thing by going to
his girlfriend. Frankly, you don't "own" him or his
relationships! If you're not getting what you want
from him your choice is to move on and find someone
that DOES give you what you need. Sticking your
nose into his relationship is a bad, problematic
thing and frankly, you should butt-out.
Thus, you can't get her "out of the picture" -
that is his choice. If he doesn't see the need or
the benefit, he won't make that decision. You can't
create things for his life; you can only do so for
Good luck, much love...
The Problems With Single
I just read the article "Read and Heed" on your
website concerning dating a single mom. www.beingaman.com/dating_single_mothers.htm
It seems to be saying dating a single mom is a
terrible thing and men should keep away at all
costs. If a man is truly in love with a woman, he
will accept the children just to be with her.
Besides, the children will eventually grow up and
move out of the house (hopefully) and then the
relationship can continue on.
Finding someone you want to spend the rest of
your life with is not all that easy. For a man to
let go of a woman just because she has kids is a
shame, he may be the one missing out on something
great. Sure there would be challenges, but I think
two adults who love each other can figure out
something to make it work. I guess I'm just trying
to say not to completely discourage men who may
have found someone they really like but has
Thanks for your comments!
You're right-on on your analysis of my article
"Read and Heed". I encourage men to stay away from
dating single mothers at all costs. Yes, I know
this doesn't seem fair, but consider it from
another point of view: relationships are very
difficult as it is. Adding kids to the mix raises
this difficulty exponentially. Further, the laws in
this country can actually make a man liable for
100% of the child's expenses even though he isn't
the father! This happens all the time. Unfair? You
bet! But that's the way things are in this
"feminized world" we live in today. Until we get
this changed (unlikely to be soon), this is the #1
reason why men should avoid dating single
Let's look at you as the mother of this kid. You
didn't mention if you were married to the child's
father, but it is becoming much more common for
women to (stupidly) have children without being
married first. Even celebrities like Madonna,
Calista Flockhart, and Rosy O'Donnell are "doing
it". What a great example this sets for people who
look up to celebrities! I actually had a very well
known author (female) tell me that if a woman's
body is capable of bearing children, she has every
right to do it - with or without a father, and
society just has to deal with that fact!
So, let's say that you weren't married when you
got pregnant, for the sake of this discussion. What
does the man already know about you? First, that
you make poor, selfish decisions about your kids.
You see, having children outside of marriage is bad
for the kids - it has been proved over and over
again. You can't replace the father's importance in
your child's life.
You probably have to work, (or be on welfare) to
support them, which means that you aren't around
for most of the time. What time you ARE there has
to be dedicated to these kids, not to your
boyfriend. Don't you think he should know that up
front? After all, is that really fair to him? He
didn't make the decision for you to have kids - you
What if you're divorced? This is a similar
issue. Let me explain: What this tells a guy is
that you pick the wrong men, or that even when
you're in a critical situation (like being a
parent), you can't keep the father around. Is the
father a jerk? Perhaps, but again - YOU picked
In either case, you chose to have this baby, and
for whatever reason the baby's father isn't around,
as he should be. This isn't a reflection on the men
you date from here on; it's a reflection on you.
I'm sorry, but it's true.
Remember: there is nothing so selfish as having
children in the first place! After all, the
children don't ask to be born - YOU decided that
FOR the child. For that reason, you owe them
everything - and every possibility for success in
this difficult world. By not having the father
around, these kids are already at a
Why would a man want that much trouble? Further,
just because the man loves the mother, that doesn't
mean that he's going to love the children, nor must
the children love the man! He has had nothing to do
with their upbringing thus far, and, depending on
your point of view, may have no involvement in
their future upbringing either!
Now, you're really going hate this: men with
kids aren't the challenge for women that women with
kids are for men! Why not? Because of many reasons
- Men rarely get sole custody of children in
divorces at the worst; they have shared custody,
and often not even that, and
- Men usually have some other "support" group
to watch the kids - when they're at work for
All of this considered, I stand by my article.
Having children is the most important decision you
will ever make in your life. Frankly, it affects
your life in profound ways - including your
relationships. You're just going to have to live
with the fact that your choices have impacted your
own possibility of getting - and keeping - a
fulfilling relationship; that that it's impossible,
but it is much more difficult. This isn't my rule -
it was here when I arrived.
Good luck, much love...
When NOT to Get Married
Dear Dr. Neder,
I am a 23-year-old woman engaged to marry a
wonderful 28-year-old man in a few months. We have
been dating mostly long distance for about 4 years,
but throughout that time I have had several other
"flings" and even one somewhat serious
relationship. He knows about all of these
indiscretions, and I have been faithful for the
past 9 months.
He surprised me with an engagement proposal a
few months ago. I truly love him and I can picture
us having a wonderful life together. Everything was
fine until I went out to dinner with one of my high
school male friends last week and he told me that
he loves me and does not think I should be getting
Unfortunately, I have been having second
thoughts for about the past week. It is not that I
want to date this friend at all. I can't tell
whether it is because I am scared of committing to
my fiancée fully or if I am just not ready
for marriage to him right now period. He is
everything I am looking for in a husband and
eventually a father for my children. I just need
some help in sorting out if these are normal
jitters or a sign that I need to call off the
If it were me, I'd call off the wedding. Yes, I
know that's probably not what you want to hear, but
I tell people this all the time: there aren't too
many divorces, there are too many marriages!
Let's look at your situation:
First, you've been with this guy in a
long-distance relationship. This is very bad,
because you only get to see his "good side", not
his everyday side. Until you really know a person
by being with them day in and day out, how do you
know that he's "everything you could ever want in a
husband"? That's an important decision to make
BEFORE you get married.
Next, you've had other relationships while
"being" with him. It doesn't sound like you're
really "with" him, despite the 9 months of
commitment. As said above, what are you "committed"
to: this guy, or your IMAGE of this guy?
The fact that you're getting jittery now is
normal, but in light of the other issues, I'd
SERIOUSLY reconsider your decision. It almost
sounds to me like you're in love with your unborn
children, and you see this guy as a way to get them
- rather than to have a great marriage that lasts
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If you truly loved him, you
wouldn't even consider being with anyone else.
Julie, there are only two reasons for getting
1. You are absolutely ready to have children, (I
believe that kids should only be brought into this
world in a committed marriage); or,
2. You're absolutely, unwaveringly sure, that
you're found the only man you're ever going to love
for the rest of your life.
That #2 is a killer! How are you ever going to
be sure unless you spend some REAL time
If you think that you're really ready to get
married, not just to have kids, but for the
benefits of getting married, why don't the two of
you just move in together for a year or two
If you decide that you want to do this, be sure
that you get a "cohabitation agreement" together,
and that you view this as a chance to "verify" that
you should be married. If this experiment doesn't
work out, you can still stay together as a couple
if you choose, but you'll have a much clearer
vision of where you are now, and where you'd be in
Here's an article on moving in together:
Good luck, much love...
Getting Over Social
I don't normally comment on sites, but I need to
say that your tips on dating, and relationships is
the best I've seen so far. It sounds like a good
combination of Psychology and common sense.
For years I thought my difficulty with women was
just intense nervousness, so I would just avoid the
situation, (you can imagine the results: ZERO!). I
was diagnosed with social phobia about 2 years ago.
Within the last year I've been going out to
acclimate myself socially (i.e. concerts, clubs,
etc.). I really like music! I've been using your
tips to at least start to try to date, but I don't
seem to be having much luck. I've been told I look
way too serious when out socially. Any advice would
be great. I'm also in recovery, so a few drinks to
"loosen up" are out of the question.
Thanks for the kind words - you know all you can
do is try, and you're never quite sure if you're
reaching anyone until someone says so!
You'd be surprised how common your problem
really is! Let's face it, nobody wants to get shot
down, and to some degree, we all have some amount
of "social phobia". The good news is that you CAN
get through all of this! If your problem is
organic, there are some new drugs on the market
that can really help.
However, it sounds like you've got just an
extreme case. So, let's look at how to deal with
First, recognize that dealing with any issue
isn't an over-night process. This will take some
time. You probably didn't get here in a single day,
and you're not going to get out of it in a single
day either. So, plan some time to work on this
issue, set some goals, establish milestones and
work to meet them. Here are the steps you want to
1) Get educated!
This is probably the most important step. And,
fortunately, it's the first. What will education do
for you? It gives you confidence. Have you ever
given a public presentation or speech? If you know
the subject well, you present well. If you don't,
all hell can break loose!
You've taken the first steps here by studying
the Internet. Have you also looked at my site?
(www.remingtonpublications.com) It is full of free
information that will also help you along here. In
addition, I strongly recommend that you pick up a
copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World". I
actually go into this very subject in the book as
well as give you some exercises to get your plan
worked out - the next step.
2) Get a plan together.
Do you know the difference between goals and
dreams? A time limit. That's all! You "dream" of
being confident in social situations and meeting
great women. By establishing a working plan with
time limits to achieve the elements of the plan,
you've actually set goals. Setting goals creates
magic in your mind - the point of the next
3) Begin to program your mind for success
By programming your mind, you are actually
giving it the tools to get past this phobia. Unless
you have an organic problem (highly unlikely!),
you've actually been using this step all along - to
fail! Believe me, you're not alone - many men do
this. They run "movies" in their minds of failing.
Like imagining walking up to a beautiful woman and
having her humiliate them. Or, thinking about what
they want and actually feeling anxiety.
These examples are probably exactly what you are
doing. In fact, MANY MEN DO THIS! Your mind is keen
on these types of images combined with emotions.
That's exactly the mechanism it uses to program
itself internally! If you're doing this anyway, why
not give it the RIGHT messages?
"The industry" calls this "guided visualization"
and here's an article that discusses how to do
You need to continue to practice this over at
least 3-4 weeks. It is a critical step. The
interesting thing is that your subconscious mind
(not knowing the difference between what is real,
and what is imagined with clarity) begins to
program itself for the outcomes you imagine!
4) Take small steps - achieve small successes
As you work through the mind-programming
exercises, you also need to give yourself small
successes that continue to grow. Here's how: start
with a goal and break it down into very small
steps. For example, you eventually want to get to
the point where you can easily ask a woman out and
have a great date. But, that's too big a chunk to
So, first begin by simply looking at yourself in
the mirror. Imagine what you look like to others.
Don't qualify how you look, just "see" yourself.
Look right into your eyes. This is going to be
uncomfortable at first, but don't worry - it will
get easier as you do it a few times. Next, learn to
stand straight, shoulders back, head up and look at
yourself that way. Practice this and try to think
about it when you're out walking around. Next, you
want to add a soft smile. You may need to practice
this for a while, as it often is natural when you
first start out. This "mirror exercise" should take
about a week if you do it twice every day.
Now, you're ready to move on. During this step,
you want to look at people. Just look at them -
even just for a split second. Don't worry about
making eye contact yet. Just look at them. Spend
about a week doing this until it feels
Next, extend this up and actually make eye
contact with them. No doubt you've been doing this
already, but you avert your eyes as soon as the
look at you. This time, make it last just a split
Next, combine everything so far - standing tall,
head square, looking at people, and making eye
contact. This might seem scary right now, but
consider that it looks very confident - exactly
where you want to go!
The next step is to add a natural smile when
someone catches your eye. You might want to do this
only with women as it may send the wrong signal in
some parts of the world!
Next, you're actually going to say "hello" or
"good afternoon" to people. Note that some of them
will avert their eyes from you (like you used to!),
some will actually grunt, and a few will say hello
back to you. Don't worry about their reactions - it
isn't important. What IS important is you
5) Turn these into bigger successes
If you've been doing the previous exercises, you
should be well on your way to the larger successes.
Just like before, take small steps. You want to
start by going to places that you were
uncomfortable in the past. Such as clubs, concerts,
etc. Your goal here isn't to pick up a woman - yet.
It's just to talk to a few people.
Use the tools you've been practicing and begin
to make eye contact, smile at women, and say
"hello". You might want to add something like
"Great club, huh?" or "I've head this band before -
great music!" Don't push too hard, but see if
anyone responds to you, (some will by the way!)
That's your new goal - and exactly what you need to
do to start meeting women, getting numbers, etc.,
6) Make success a habit
Forget the failures. Focus on the successes.
When you meet some pretty woman, say "hello" and
she say's "hello" back - reward yourself by feeling
good about it. That is your goal! It's ok to feel
good about yourself and by letting yourself -
you're actually ingraining the habit of success.
This is a critical step and should be added at
7) Review and adjust your plan
As you get successes, note what happened, what
you did, where you were, etc. You might even want
to keep a log or journal of this information. It is
your own transformation log. You can also throw in
new ideas that you come up with on your own, or
that you get from articles and books that you read
(remember step #1).
When you find something that works, add it to
your plan. Don't change your goals however. If
you've done the work up front, your goals should be
rock-solid. Your plans however may change regularly
as you gather new information - and new
8) NEVER GIVE UP!
You're going to have success and failures. That
just the way it works. But remember - it doesn't
matter! All these people you make contact with are
mealy experiments, and "class work". You're
training yourself. They are just "props" in all of
this - do don't worry about their reactions other
than to note them. You want to adjust your plan and
your approaches to something more effective for
YOU. Find what works, and don't give up.
Get to it ol' buddy. Believe me YOU CAN DO THIS!
Keep working on it, and let me know how your
progress is coming.
Good luck, much love...
When To Introduce Her To
I've had a couple of dates with a woman who
seems to have a lot of potential. What is your rule
of thumb for when and how to introduce her to my
friends? What sort of situations should I
Women understand the importance of a man's
friends AND family. My own rule of thumb is that
she doesn't meet them until after the 4th or 5th
date - and never before I sleep with her.
Why? Because women know that once they get "in"
with your friends, they can use them to manage you.
Here's an example:
Say your new woman and your friends really hit
it off. Very soon (if not immediately), your
friends will start inviting you AND her places.
This insures that you are with her (in her eyes).
Now, say you want to invite someone else. Your
friends are going to start asking questions. Thus,
you'll be more likely to take the previous girl
rather than a new one.
On the other hand, if she's up for it, I always
want to meet HER friends as early as possible. I
will charm them, make them laugh, buy them all a
drink or two, and generally get in good with them.
When I'm not with her, her friends will be telling
her what a great guy I am, (insert evil laugh).
The downside to this is that women are tighter
friends than men are. Your male friends may even
see her as "available" to them - and compete with
you for her! (Be careful whom you choose as
friends!) Thus, if you've got something solid going
with her BEFORE you bring her around your friends,
so much the better for you.
Regarding your buddies, make sure that you make
time for them without her too! Many men get all
wrapped up in the couple, and forget that they knew
their friends before she entered the picture. If
you take care of your buddies, they will always be
there when you need them. You can't always say the
same thing about girlfriends.
Good luck, much love...
When Your Lover's
Mother Gets In The Way
I need help! I'm, seeing a guy and everything in
our world seems right and amazing - except for my
boyfriend's mother. She seems to think I'm trying
to take him away from her! That's not what I want
at all. He has an incredible family that he loves
very much, but she is trying to ruin our
His mom has even gone so far as to expose some
of my private medical information to his out of
town relatives. I wrote her a carefully worded
letter explaining that I did not like what she did.
I even sent it to my boyfriend so he could see it
and know I wasn't being mean or accusatory. He
thought the letter was fine so I sent it. She went
through the roof after reading it and accused me of
being mean and hateful.
We have not spoken since then. I keep my mouth
shut most of the time when she says or does
something to upset me just because of my boyfriend.
I don't want him to be stuck in the middle of
things. How do I settle things with his mom to get
past this problem? It doesn't bother me if we're
If she can't accept us together, is there a way
to just get a little peace? When he tries to
discuss it with her, she sees no wrong in what she
has done. She just keeps saying that I'm trying to
put a wedge in between her and him.
Can you please help?
Yes, mothers can be quite a pain sometimes!
It sounds like you've done just about everything
you should from discussing it with your boyfriend
to reviewing the situation with your friends and
family. It sounds like your motives are
non-sinister, and that mom is just trying to create
some problems. Here's what I would do in the same
1) Re-evaluate your situation one more time and
make sure that there is nothing you're doing that
may be a further cause of this.
2) Talk to your boyfriend again. It is his
responsibility to deal with his mother. If he
can't, tell him to go get his testicles, put them
back in his pants and have a pow-wow with his
mother to get her off your back. He needs to tell
her that he won't tolerate this situation, as it is
SHE (mom) that is driving a wedge between them. If
he can't seem to find where he left his balls, have
it write to me, and I tell him where to look!
3) Have a talk with mom yourself. Drop by when
you know that she's free, bring some pastries and
hash out an understanding with her. Explain that
you LIKE their family (including her) and want
things to be good for everyone - including your
boyfriend's relationship with her. Say that you
understand how important her bond is with him, and
see that a lot of the things you love about him
have come from her. Tell her that if she feels
she's losing him (which she's not) that you can
help insure that she doesn't. You should also drop
the hint that you can also make things worse, but
you don't want to. Frankly, mom's an idiot for not
realizing this in the first place, and should be
trying to work with you to get on your good
4) If mom isn't able to see all of this, just
know you've done everything you can, and put it
behind you. The problem is hers, and frankly, you
hold the keys here. You get to decide how much time
your boyfriend spends with his mom, if he's "free"
or not, etc. Tell him not to tell his mother about
anything in your relationship because you don't
want it spread through the rest of the family (mom
has already proven that she can't keep your
secrets), and make him stick to it.
I know from personal experience what kind of
problem this is. If you've done everything here and
mom won't come around, it really isn't your problem
- it's hers. You can put it aside and move on
knowing that you've done everything you can. On the
other hand, you and she may even become friends
Good luck, much love...
Playing the Game with a
I recently met this girl that travels on the
same bus that I use, and we seemed to hit it off.
We saw each other every time I was going home and
she was leaving for school (we are both college
students, I'm 21 and she is 18). One day I asked
her for her phone number. She said, "I don't know,
I'll have to think about it". That was the signal
for me to move on. We saw each other a few more
times after that and talked. I made her laugh, and
she seemed shy around me. Sometimes she'd stare at
me, or would play with her hair when we talked. I
believe that these were flirting signals.
One day I "accidentally" passed through the
store where she works. She seemed happy to see me
and we talked for a while. I asked her, "Do you
remember the question I asked you on the bus one
day and you said that you would have to think about
it?" She said that she didn't so I reminded her
that I wanted to call her sometime, and before I
could finish the sentence she quickly wrote her
phone number on a receipt. As she handed it to me,
she said that she wasn't sure she was doing the
right thing. When I asked why she just shrugged,
and that makes me wonder, is she doing this because
she's shy, or is she just playing games?
I waited a few days and finally called her. She
had her phone off, so I left a message, and then
the two nights later she paged me and left one on
my voicemail. I called her the next day, and we
talked, but she had to leave, saying that she would
call me when she gets home, which she never did.
Now, I keep getting hang-ups on my voicemail, which
only started after I gave her my number, so if it's
her could it be a good thing?
A couple of days ago, she said that she got my
message and called to wish me a happy new year.
Funny thing is, I haven't called her since we last
1. Does it sound like she is truly interested?
When I talked to her last she said that she would
be interested in going out with me if I ever asked
2. She keeps paging and not saying anything. She
just hangs up. Then there is that weird one about
"getting my message and wishing me a happy new year
also" and I haven't called her at all (which I plan
to do in order to ask her out this week). I'm
wondering if these hang-ups are her subtle messages
for me to call her.
3. Thanks for your help and thanks for bearing
with this long letter
Confused in Daly City
GAME PLAYER! GAME PLAYER!
Actually, there's no way for me to know who's
calling you and hanging up. Why did you give her a
pager number in the first place? I climb on people
about this all the time. Don't give out a
voicemail-only number! That's why you have a
telephone. Are you sure she didn't give you one
Let's go back to the beginning. She said she'd
"have to think" about giving you her number? I
would have turned and walked that very minute.
She's telling you in no uncertain terms that she's
a game player. The messages are just more of this.
Frankly, you need to get this nailed down or move
on. She can keep this game going forever if she
wants. Is that what YOU want?
Next time you see her, ask her if the number she
gave you is voicemail-only. If so, just say, "Ok, I
don't have the time to keep up with these games.
I'm sorry that you don't want to talk to me" and
turn and walk away. If it is a real phone (that she
actually answers), ask her when she's home so you
can call her, but explain that you're not going to
carry on a relationship with her answering
Nick, stop this madness! This isn't the way
adults get together. She's playing you and you're
letting her. What do you want from her - messages
or a date? Nail her down to something firm, or move
on and find someone worthwhile. Game players are
never worth your time.
Good luck, much love...
Can You Love If You Don't
Hi Dr. Dennis,
Hoping you can lend some advice on this for me!
I had been dating a girl I attend school with for
the last six months. Unfortunately we were both at
different places, she wasn't ready for a serious
relationship and I was all too ready. We tried to
take it slow but ended up damaging each other with
fighting, insecurity and harsh words.
In the end, there was love in there somewhere
but not a lot of respect or even 'liking'. We went
through a series of breakups and finally decided to
just be friends and eliminate the stress and
pressure of trying to maintain this dysfunctional
relationship. We have been spending time together
In fact she calls almost every day, even days
that we see each other in classes. The fun is
coming back, the stress feels a little lighter and
this is only after two weeks or so! The problem is,
I am stuck being her friend and I still love her!
She knows this as I've told her, she wasn't quite
as deeply involved emotionally as me and now feels
that I'm 'needy' simply cause I fell for her (and
She doesn't feel any sexual desire for me.
Honestly, she must still be quite hurt and confused
from our fighting so I don't expect her too. She is
content to be friends as she said she feels
comfortable again, no pressure. She says sometimes
she wants to kiss me or touch me but isn't sure
what would be ok, for her own good as well as
Can this work out? We are so fun and alive
together and work well together but she is not
available emotionally or sexually for a
relationship due to the damage. Will we be able to
rebuild an intimate relationship through a
friendship? Even if she is wary? I'm in love with
this girl and want it to work out!
Thanks so much for your help and kind
Yes, this is an unadvertised aspect of dating -
you can be in love with someone without actually
liking him or her!
You're going to have to make a decision here -
what do you want from this girl - a friendship or a
relationship (including sex)? I'm sorry my brother,
you can't have both.
Depending on what you want, you're going to have
to go about things differently. Let's look at the
friendship option first:
Why would she want to be your friend? This is an
important question to get answered right away.
Consider this: by being your friend, and knowing
that you're in love with her - she holds all the
cards! She doesn't want a sexual relationship with
you right now, but she can keep you on the hook as
long as she wants. Further, she is completely free
to date (and sleep with) anyone she wants because,
after all, you're just "friends".
Later if she decides that she wants sex with you
again, she just has to call and she knows you'll be
on her doorstep like a panting puppy. The other
benefit she has by being your "friend" is that she
can call you anytime (like she already does) and
she knows she has someone to go out with on a
Saturday night if she wants an ego boost or just
needs someone to entertain her. You'll be that guy
with the big red nose and floppy shoes with just a
phone call from her! Additionally, if she has a
light bulb that needs to be replaced, needs a ride
somewhere, wants some help with something, she's
got you to call; her "friend".
Here's a fact you'd better get in your mind
right now: Women don't make good "friends" for men;
they simply become "sexless boyfriends";
Here's another: When women hold all the cards,
they know it and they don't respect the men over
whom they hold them.
Here one more: Women need to respect the men
And one last one: Women don't want to be chased
by men - they want to DO the chasing!
My brother, these aren't my rules - they were
here when I arrived.
Now, if you're interested in a relationship with
this woman, you're going to have to change your
strategy entirely. Bear with me here - I give this
advice to a lot of men, and it consistently works
(if anything will!) Here's what you're going to
have to do to have any future possibility with this
When I say "scarce", I mean don't return her
phone calls for at least a few days, don't pick up
the phone - especially on weekends - that's what
voice mail is for, and get yourself out there and
get some phone numbers!
Here's the gig: by getting yourself busy, not
only will you break the depression of sitting
around wondering why she won't sleep with you, but
by not being available to her, you instantly give
yourself "value" in her eyes. Remember those rules?
She wants to chase YOU - not the other way around.
If she begins to think you're moving on, she's
going to start putting greater emphasis on you and
YOUR needs - after all, she wants to win here. All
you're doing is giving her what she wants!
You might want to enlist the help of your
friends. Let them know what you're up to and see if
they can work with you. As I've said in many
articles, if you take care of your friends, they
will be there when you need them most - like right
When you DO call her back, or see her, keep it
brief and to the point. It's much better (for you)
to end a conversation yourself rather than trying
to keep her on the line. Leave HER wanting more. In
fact, you really don't want to initiate any calls.
Try to always be the one RETURNING the calls - this
give YOU back the control. Then, when you return
her calls (a few days later), ask what she wants.
She may say something like, "Well, I just wanted to
see you - I miss you." (A very good sign by the
way). Then, say, "Ok, when did you want to get
together, and what do you want to do?" Make HER do
the work here.
By doing this, you're creating great value for
yourself in her eyes. Further, when you DO get
together with her, make sure it's not just to go
out and see a movie (like "buddies"). Be sure to
kiss her, hold her hand - basically all the things
you'd do on a date. You might make some moves
toward the bedroom too. If she gives you any
resistance to this, just turn and say, "Well, ok -
I've got to go." And then leave!
After doing this a few times (if it's even
necessary), she may say, "Are you just interested
in me for sex?" To which you can tell her, "No, but
sex IS a part of a mature relationship between men
and woman." (If you don't feel comfortable saying
this to her, tell her I said so!), "If you're not
interested in a mature relationship, I'm not
interested either." The point of all this is to
keep HER on the run. She'll love you for it by the
way. But you've got to get this started right away.
Once you fall into the "Friend Zone" it is very,
very difficult to get out!
I strongly suggest that you pick up a copy of my
book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and commit
it to memory. You've made a number of grave
mistakes here that may actually prevent you from
EVER putting things back together with her. If
you're going to at all you're going to need some
new tools; what I call "male philosophy". Further,
you're going to need some new tools for your
future. Neither you nor I want you to ever have to
go through this again!
Good luck, much love...
He's Hot, He's Cold, and
He's Hot Again!
Dear Dr. Neder,
I've been in a relationship with a 48 year old
divorced man for what will be one year on
Valentine's Day. My problem is that my boyfriend
cannot tell me that he loves me. He has a history
of not being in love with previous girlfriends live
in or otherwise. His ex-wife left him for another
man and he had trouble admitting he ever loved
I'm in love with him now. I'm attracted to him
intellectually and physically. I also need his
support as a friend and as a lover. We have an
incredibly passionate sex life and he says he has
never experienced anyone like me before. I'm a
foreigner and I'm pursuing my career and I need all
the support I can get. I haven't been able to form
strong friendships in this big city because of its
nature but I do have definite goals for my
In august after 6 months of being together, he
was going to Europe for a family reunion and I told
him I loved him and that I think he loves me. He
said yes he does love me but is afraid of
commitment and marriage because of his dealings
with his ex-wife. One month later when he returned
to town over lunch I said, "I love you" not
expecting anything and he said, "I love you
Well one week later when we had an argument over
a business client of his he turned cold and then a
few days later over the phone said that he thinks
the problem is that he doesn't love me and that he
was just following me etc... We made up and got
In December he forgot my birthday, which is five
days before Christmas and left me out at Christmas.
After Christmas he suggested breaking up with me
and then didn't because when he saw me he was swept
away. Then 2 weeks ago he went out of town and he
called me because he missed me. When he came back
he even had someone bring me to his work when he
was working late.
So he recently injured himself and had leg
surgery this morning. Unbeknownst to me he decided
that no one was to be there for him at the hospital
etc. I asked why and I drew an answer out of him
which was, that he didn't want to owe anyone
anything and to let anyone(male or female) get
close to him. He said that that feeling was
worsening with age. So last night he came by to
tell me that maybe we shouldn't see each other
anymore because my depth of feeling is deeper than
his. He told me that it seemed like I missed him
more than his missed me when he went out of town.
He also said that when we made love a few days ago,
when he was climaxing I said, "tell me how you feel
about me" and he smiled nervously and couldn't
respond. He says something must be wrong with him
because how could he be in that situation and not
be able to say I love you. Of course we haven't
broken up again and last night he said (even while
wearing a cast) he might take me away for a few
I've asked him time and time again about why he
broke up with all his girlfriends. Why he would
live with someone for years and then decide that
she wasn't "the one." One woman was too stupid for
him; another woman was too neat etc. Whenever we
start to get closer he goes with it and then starts
to pull away. I asked why he's afraid of marriage
and finally he said that he's afraid of losing his
freedom. I personally just want to live together
for now and I've never been married so I don't get
the problem--I'm not aware of the restrictions. I
feel that he is afraid of letting go or something.
I don't know.
I've always felt that there was a seed of love
in him for me but now I don't understand what's
happening. I'm at the crossroads with everything in
my life and need to make a well founded decision.
This whole thing with him is wearing on me and I
must straighten things out. I can't help needing a
little love. Please help!
Thanks much doctor!
You both have a least a few issues going on
here! Let's start with his inability to commit.
Men and women view commitment very differently.
To you, it sounds like security, love, future,
closeness, etc. To men, it usually means
responsibility, lack of freedom, lack of options,
stress, etc. Frankly, it's amazing that men want to
commit - let alone get married - at all! These
aren't my rules - they were in place when I got
here! But, these facts remain. Add to this his bad
relationship history, self-image difficulties and
his inability to "share", and you've got a real
Now, let's look at your needs. As you know, men
and women speak different languages - they both
sound a lot like English, but they really are very
different. In fact, even specific words have
different meanings. Further, men and women each
speak different languages amongst themselves!
Confused? Hang in there...
You obviously have a need to hear the words "I
love you". To other people however, they need to
"see" that someone loves them, whereas other need
to "feel" the love. I won't bore you with all the
science behind this, but suffice it to say that
some people (like you and your boyfriend) are
"auditories" - needing to hear confirmation of
things. Others are "visuals", and others (like me)
In my book, Being
a Man in a Woman's World I go into this in
much greater depth, so I won't cover it here other
than to say that this is who you are. You might be
wondering if being auditory is good or bad.
Neither! It just "is". The bottom line is that you
have specific needs that aren't being met.
He also seems to have a need to control; and you
seem to have a need to BE controlled. Consider his
coming to you and suggesting that you two break it
off. But he doesn't! Why do you think he's doing
this? Why doesn't he just make up his mind and move
on it? Because, then he would lose you. Instead, by
keeping you "off balance" he has the control. Being
a "controller" or a "controlee" isn't necessarily
bad, but I'm sure you can imagine how this may play
out in future years. It will eventually bleed into
all other aspects of your life, including your
You should think long and hard about the
1) Are you willing to live your life always
unbalanced, and never quite reaching your
2) Are you able to let go to the point where he
has total control and you have none?
3) Is being with him more important than being
in a "healthy" relationship?
I need to add one more point here; that of
marriage. Society puts a lot of pressure on women
to be married. As you know, women often define
themselves by their relationships. A good
relationship means, "I'm a good person"; a bad
relationship means, "I'm a bad person". Obviously,
this is highly simplified, but it is true pretty
much along the cultures, (more science: it is based
on 1.6 million years of evolution).
I don't know what country you're from, or how
long you've been here, but frankly it doesn't
matter. These rules are as true here in Los
Angeles, as it is in Texas, Florida, Hawaii, or
Illinois, or anywhere else in the world. What I
tell women is this: don't focus on the goal of
being married. There is nothing wrong with that
goal particularly, but it isn't the most important
thing. Instead, focus on the quality of the
Is your relationship with him one of quality? Is
it giving you what you need? Obviously not. The
last question you need to ask is, "Can you make
your relationship with him the relationship you
want?" If the answer is 'no', it's time to move on
and find someone with whom you CAN have what you
want. After all, you deserve this!
Good luck, much love...
Where to Find
Wonderful Women or Magnificent Men
One of the questions that I get asked often is,
"Where do I meet a great man?" or "Where can I find
beautiful women?" as though there is a place where
all these people are kept.
Everybody knows about the club scene, the gym,
and coffee houses, but if you're hoping that one of
these will be your ticket out of single-city,
you're missing the real opportunities that are
Certainly, there are some places that are better
than others for meeting people. For example, if
you're looking for a woman to date, don't spend all
your time hanging around sports bars. If you're a
woman looking for a man, don't frequent sewing
classes. Yes, sometimes men and women and be found
at these places, but you're much better off
increasing your odds by being where you expect them
So where's the perfect place to meet someone of
the opposite sex? Frankly, everywhere, (except your
own living room!) The problem most people find is
really two separate issues:
1) They don't know what they're looking for, so
they don't know the right person when they find
2) They don't have any way pre-planned to meet
If you spend some time BEFORE you try to meet
someone, deciding what you're really looking for in
a partner, it's going to be much easier to
recognize that person when they show up.
In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I
present a series of exercises on just how to
accomplish this. For the purposes of this article
however, sit down and make a list of things you're
looking for in a partner. Try to be as specific as
possible and visualize who this person is, and what
they are all about. The more clearly you can "see"
this person, the more likely you'll actually find
him or her!
This works because it is a way of programming
your mind. By setting out the specifics of the
person you're looking for, you're telling parts of
your brain to be aware of people that may fit this
profile. It greatly increases the possibility of
finding that person.
The second point - that of having a way of
meeting someone is actually much easier than it
seems at first. This is true even if you're very
shy - but it takes practice.
Here are some final thoughts that will help:
Be open to meeting people - don't hide in a
corner with your arms crossed, and your eyes on the
Use eye contact and a natural smile to attract
people. If you're not comfortable with these -
Remember, people WANT to meet others - you
included. Don't feel like you're imposing on
someone just by saying hello.
Use all the tools available to you - referrals
from friends and family, "cold contacts", business
contacts, even the Internet.
If you're a woman, don't be too subtle - many
men don't know when you're interested in meeting
If you're a man, don't be too aggressive - many
women don't send the right signals, or send mixed
Selling Skills = Dating
I was deeply in love with a woman who said she
was deeply in loved with me. I wanted to marry her
and have kids with her after only being together
for 3 months. She said that she was also read to
settle down. After a couple of months and some
power play games (man vs. woman - i.e. control
issues). I began to take things more seriously and
start making arrangements to marry her. She in the
mean time started to lose interest in me. Twice,
she wanted to brake up with me, but reluctantly
agreed not to after some persuasion.
When she tried to break up with me the third
time, I decided to let her go. She said that she
really wants to move on with her life and date
other guys, but that we can be friends and I still
loves me. I told her I would not feel comfortable
taking one step backwards in our relationship. She
said, "So you can't be a friend but could be a
lover?" This didn't make much sense to me because I
was under the impression that we were both. She
said that I wasn't being fair by not agreeing to
remain her friend.
Is there any thing wrong with me in not wanting
to end up with only being friends with her? I just
want to bring total closure to this with out
feeling like I am the bad guy. I loved her very
much and it pains me that she has backed a way and
now wants to only settle with friendship. I think
it would be wise to bring closure, move on and just
keep the good memories.
I understand fully what you're going through.
Let me see if I can give you some perspective on
all of this and then some advice.
First, as you mentioned, just about 3 months
into the relationship, she began doing the "power
play" thing with you. You survived the first two
bouts of this but lost out on the third. She was
trying to tell you something here. These "power
plays" were what I have discovered as "The Test",
and write about in my book, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World". This is an absolutely textbook
It would take another book to go into all the
aspects of "The Test" here, and for details, I
strong recommend that you pick up a copy of "Being
a Man...". However, suffice it to say that a test
is exactly what you described - it is an artificial
situation created to see who is going to control
the relationship. She wanted someone that would
stand up to her and take control - that is, brave
risking losing the relationship for it. This is the
"Knight in Shining Armor" image, and is ultimately
what The Test is all about. Because she gave you 3
Tests, (2 more than some women would!) she then
felt sure you weren't what she was looking for and
fell out of love with you.
So, let's look at the "friends" issue. One of
the main reasons why women decide that they want to
be friends after all of this is that they don't
want to lose some connection - just in case she's
wrong about men! This is incredible, but true. She
wants to go out and see if she can find some other
guy that will actually pass her Tests. If she does,
(and there are some of us out here), she will still
be close enough to "rub your nose in it". This
whole "being fair about it" is a classic symptom
and the best evidence that what I'm saying is
So, should you be friends with her? Absolutely
not! First, she feels safe expecting this of you as
though she is the bigger person. Of course, she has
nothing to lose! You on the other hand have your
self-respect and dignity, your emotional well
being, etc. There is absolutely no risk to her in
expecting this of you! Further, if she doesn't find
that "Prince Charming", she can always fall back to
you! Does all this piss you off? Good! It
So, what do you do? First, if you really want to
understand The Test and be ready to pass the next
one, (and believe me if not her, someone else will
Test you), pick up my book and commit it to memory.
Second, DO NOT accept being her friend. In fact,
I'd go so far as to be insulted that she thinks
that she can keep you on that lead! If she wants a
pet, tell her to go to the pound.
Lastly, only you know if there is even the most
remote chance of being with her again. If so, stop
all contact with her right now. She's going to need
some time on her own - alone - to remember what a
great guy you are. Second, when she does call, you
need to be out and having a great time. This is
where you want to get your buddies to give you a
hand. Have them help you get out and start meeting
other women. If you've taken care of your
friendships, they will be there for you - and will
understand what you're going through. Especially,
don't answer the phone on weekends. Get scarce!
Your friends and family will understand if you
don't pick up and have to call them back.
Then, when she does call, be ready to pass her
Good luck my brother....
Do I Have A Chance With
Four years ago I met a man in the strangest way
possible - while driving home from vacation! He
pulled up next to me and just looked at me! He
handed me a CD through the window. It was a local
boy-band, and when I looked at the picture - he was
one of the band members! I finally turned off and
he continued driving ahead.
On the CD cover was an address, so I took a
chance and wrote to him. Shortly after this, I got
a call from him and we talked for a long time. He
wanted to meet, and I agreed. He came by to pick me
up a couple of days later and, because he didn't
want to be interrupted by fans, we drove 50 miles
to a restaurant way out of town.
Since I was in town only for a while, I
continued to write when I went home. He never wrote
back, so one day I got angry and wrote him a nasty
10-page letter. I didn't hear from him for a year,
and then one day he called! I was in shock! He
asked me when I was returning to his city, and I
was actually planning to be there in 3 days. When I
arrived, we began seeing each other, but never
alone - it was always with the other members of his
group, friends, fans, etc. I tried to get him to go
out by ourselves, but he kept saying that he just
didn't have the time.
During this, I discovered his email password and
began reading his email - even after I got back
home. He kept getting mail from girls that went to
his concerts that had only one thing on their minds
- sex. He stopped returning my emails and I lost
touch with him for another year. After awhile, he
dropped out of the music business and began working
in Foreign Relations. At the same time, he a number
of dating sights (I knew because of his email!) I
signed up for the same services, and began talking
After awhile of talking to him anonymously, I
told him who I was. He asked me if I was married
yet, and I told him the truth - no. Before my
confession, he was writing to me everyday, after
this, he stopped writing again, except very
infrequently. In one of his messages, he told me
that I knew him better than anyone else - like I
was his sister!
Being his sister is not really what I had in
mind, but after all these years of back and forth,
I'd really like to be with him and try to build
something. I told him about reading his email and
that I knew all that he had done, and he didn't
even get mad!
We continue to correspond, but he's told me some
things I didn't know before like that he is
divorced. I've asked him if we can get together,
but he doesn't respond to any of this. On the other
hand, he has told me a great deal about his
personal life and seemed to open up to me. Do you
think I have a chance with him? Either way, I just
want him to know that I care for him and don't want
anything bad for him at all.
Let me try to answer what I understand your
questions to be:
Does he care about you?
When a man cares about a woman, he tries to use
as much of his creativity as possible to show it.
Of course this includes spending time with her,
sending her notes, email, etc., to let her know
that he is thinking of her, calling, etc. Frankly,
I don't see much of this from your description. He
may care about you, but I doubt that he loves
Regarding what you can do to show him your
intention is not to hurt, and that you care:
You could continue to do what you are already
doing, but frankly, why? Are you hoping for a
future relationship with him? It doesn't sound like
that's his goal to me. I seems that you'd be much
better off just moving on.
I believe the bottom line is whether you want
this kind of up/down relationship with someone that
isn't really committed to you. Are you willing to
invest your emotional well being in something as
unorganized and uninvolved as all this? I don't
recommend it. You could spend years of your life
only to wind up with no more than you have right
I think you have another issue here too - trust.
Why did you start reading his personal email in the
first place? That is wrong, wrong, wrong! You don't
have the right to go through his personal things -
even his email - anymore than he does. You might
see it as innocent - just trying to find out what
he's thinking, but it is an invasion of
Good luck, much love...
Being "Daddy" Without
Hello Dr Neder,
I read your piece on Breaking Up with much
interest and seek your advice as offered in the
In about two months my partner and I will be
celebrating our three-year anniversary. Discussions
on marriage have started and I expect we will be
making decisions about our future together
Recently I have been experiencing doubt about
our relationship as we have being spending a
considerable time apart as my partner is studying
overseas. I care about her very deeply but am
concerned that this does not equate to love and am
struggling to define the difference between the
Unfortunately my partner's family is a mess and
the relationship with her separated parents is
shallow and unfulfilling for her. I suspect that I
am filling a father figure role, as I am six years
her senior (she is 25) and supporting her
financially so that she can study full time.
Deep down I do not respect her as an equal and
probably have taken on the father figure role out
of my own need to be needed. I know for my own
fulfillment that I need to have a partner that I
respect and consider equal. This has led me to
thoughts of breaking up.
Is there a way for us to re-balance the
relationships and change our current roles? Longer
term I am afraid that if we continue in our current
pattern I will feel trapped and alone in a
relationship that is one-way.
As I keep telling people, the problem is not
that there are too many divorces - there are too
People seem to get married for all of the wrong
reasons - and there are a ton of them. By contrast,
there are only two reasons that I can see to get
1) You've decided that nobody else now, or in
the future could ever be "the one" for you and
you're willing to put aside any possible future
interest in any else to make this so, (highly
unlikely by the way); or,
2) You want to start a family.
As you've already mentioned, you are probably in
this relationship for all the wrong reasons. I'm
deeply concerned that you're paying her tuition
overseas. This is bad all around. Why are you doing
this? She's 25 years old. Do you think that she
won't meet someone over there while she's away?
Not likely. Remember your own college days?
Sure, you wanted an education, but was that the
only thing you wanted? She's likely to return to
the states with her degree AND her new boyfriend!
Of course, you'll have paid the bill for it
You seem to have nailed the essence of the
relationship - she wants a "daddy" figure
(sugar-daddy?) and you want to be needed. This is
not a healthy foundation on which to build a
relationship! Neither is the "pay for play" model
by the way.
You see, people spend more time planning their
vacations than they spend planning their
relationships. Isn't this ridiculous? What you have
here is a relationship that has taken it's own
course without much "direction" from you. Now, as
things are getting serious, you're beginning to
re-evaluate your involvement in the relationship.
You should have done this before monogamy set
In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I
go into this planning process in depth, so I'm not
going to re-iterate it here (actually it spans 3
chapters of the book itself!) But suffice it to
say; first you've got to decide just what you want
- specifically and clearly. If you don't want to
get married, my brother - DON'T! No good can come
of it. Likewise, if you don't want to get married
to her - DON'T.
The first step is to sit down and really
determine what you want in your life. Until you do
this, you're always going to be at the mercy of
everyone else's ideas of just what's best for you.
This includes your girlfriend, your friends, your
girlfriend's parents, your parents, your minister,
your pet goldfish, etc., etc., etc. Next, look at
the relationship and see if there is hope of
getting these things from it. If not, it's time to
If you want to try to re-organize your present
relationship, you need to run (don't walk!) down to
your local bookstore (or go to our website) and get
my book. It is full of "male philosophy" on how to
begin to properly manage your relationship
including what it takes to direct and manage your
relationship in the long-term. It also covers how
to meet someone that better fits your needs.
My point here is not to give you a sales pitch,
but to give you some options. After 3 years of this
pattern, it's time to make some changes - either in
your relationship with her, or in yourself. Either
of these are going to take some work, but it's
worth it. Otherwise, you're just going to go from
this situation right into another just like it.
So, here's the bottom line:
1) Decide what you want from your life and your
2) Decide if you CAN get it from this current
3) If so, make it what you want by expecting the
change and implementing a plan (I'd start with
finding a new funding source for your girlfriend's
4) If not, get out and start meeting some new
people as your construct your "exit plan".
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You don't want to
find out 5 years from now that you're married to
someone that you shouldn't be, and those that meet
your needs are no longer in reach.
Good luck, my brother!
It's Time to Get Moving
I've put off going after girls for years. I was
shy, and I never had the courage to take the next
step: dating. There was a good dozen or so times in
high school when I could have done something, but I
choked. I think I was afraid of the commitment, and
I made all kinds of excuses.
Now, I'm 21 and I feel like it's really time to
start doing something about girls. I've tried to
change my attitude, and get over my shyness with
some success. My only obstacle is connecting with
some girls. I thought that it would be good to go
out with my buddies to do some prowling, but most
of my friends have stereotyped me as a prude, so
they aren't interested in helping. I'm slowly
changing that too. Plus, they think I'm too much of
Recently, I started playing squash with a new
buddy. He's in the same boat as me, so I feel like
we have something in common that we can work
together on. We've both agreed that we need to
start building a network of girls, but we don't
know where to find these girls. Maybe are standards
are too high? We thought that we could go cruising
and check out different kinds of places like
dinners and bars to start off. Comments?
Thanks for the comments on our site - we are
very proud of it and are working on a bunch of
updates that should be posted sometime in the next
month or so.
My first suggestion is that you need some tools
to get started. It's kind of like trying to build a
house. So you and your buddy show up on the
property one day and decide you probably need some
wood - so you go gather a bunch of it. Then, you
figure it's got to go up somehow and you start
stacking it. Of course, the wood doesn't fit
together, and you don't have anything to hold it
up, so it falls. Now, you've wasted an entire day
with nothing to show for it.
Dating is like this. You need tools, ideas and
techniques to make things happen. Consider this:
women are relationship experts - much more than we
men are. Would you jump in the ring with Mike Tyson
without one hell of a lot of preparation? I'd hope
not! Thus, you want to be prepared when you meet
women too - otherwise, they'll just blow you out of
One of the best things you can do to learn these
tools is to read my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", (sorry for the sales pitch, but it really
IS the best place to start!) Here, you'll get some
of the best ways to meet women, what to say to
them, how to get home phone numbers, how to set
dates, how to manage your time - especially when
dating 2 or more women at a time, how to structure
a relationship, and most important, how to know
what you're looking for in the first place. You can
get the book from our website, or you can also get
it from your local bookstores.
Regarding where to find women - EVERYWHERE!
Believe me, they don't keep beautiful, single women
in only one part of town. They are any- and
everywhere. So, rather of thinking you need to go
somewhere to meet them, have your tools in your
back pocket first. Then, when you DO meet them -
wherever you are - you're ready to get things
Lastly, regarding you and your friend working
together - it is a great idea. Once you both know
what you're looking for in women, you can begin
working together to find them. You do this by
switching off. One night your friend will help you
to meet someone, the next night; you will help him,
To do this, find a pair of women (they usually
travel in two's, three's and more's) where at least
one fits your (or your buddy's) "profile". Then,
your friend helps you separate the girl's friend(s)
from her so that you can move in and use your new
tools. It doesn't matter if the friend is
attractive or not. If she and your buddy hook up -
great, if not, he just "takes one for the team",
even getting her number if he can (for practice),
while you move in and get the target's number.
Then, the next night you switch off. Works
Good luck, much love...
She Won't Stop Kissing
I am in a serious relationship of over one year.
Over the course of our relationship, my girlfriend
and I have spent most of the time that we have been
together without the company of our respective
friends. Once in a while we are in a situation
where one of my girlfriend's male friends is coming
or going and her standard greeting or send off is a
kiss on the lips.
I don't kiss anyone on the lips other than my
girlfriend. I find it unsanitary. She obviously
doesn't. She does insist on all shoes being removed
in the apartment and street clothes not being worn
on the bed (even on top of the comforter).
I have gone along with her need to feel a sense
of cleanliness, but she refuses to discuss her
lip-planting all of these guys she is friends with.
She says that's just the way she is, and tells me
to get over it. I can't. I do not feel respected or
comfortable not to mention grossed out!
-Cold Sore Patrol
This is ABSOLUTELY a matter of respect (or
disrespect on her part)! Just like they say you're
having sex with every other partner your girlfriend
has had, you're also kissing them too! Further,
she's giving you the dreaded "Test"!
If you've read any of my articles, you know that
I talk about "The Test" all the time, and it is a
matter of utmost importance that you get it handled
once and for all, or it's just going to get worse!
Regardless of how she sees it, you don't feel
comfortable with it, and frankly, that's all that
To handle this you're going to have to put your
foot down and tell her, no more kissing other guys
on the lips - period. Further, if she kisses some
guy on the lips, you're not going to kiss her until
after she takes a bath! You should also have a long
talk with her regarding respect. (By the way - I
once got a chick I was dating to stop smoking by
doing this! She had to fully brush her teeth every
time she smoked before I would kiss her - outside
of course. What a pain in the ass!)
If this doesn't get you anywhere, you might want
to illicit some of your female friend's help - at
least those you'd want to tongue-kiss. Of course,
you've got to make sure you do this only in public,
and hopefully around her friends, as the
humiliation factor is the primary key.
The reason why this is so insidious (and she
knows it is!) is that she can easily come back with
"but we're only friends - YOU must be insecure!"
How do you defend that statement? This is why it is
so imperative to get corrected immediately. You
might also want to pick up a copy of my book,
"Being a Man in a woman's World" as it goes into
handling these kinds of tests in great depth.
Let me know how things turn out, my
Help Me Please Mine!
I have been with my fiancée for about 2
years now and our love life has diminished. I care
about nothing but pleasing her in bed. I want to
know every fantasy (no matter how exotic), she has.
I've tried talking to her about trying new things
like using toys or lingerie, but she has no
interest in any of these.
A few weeks ago I took her to an adult store for
her first time and let her look around. I hinted a
few things out that she might enjoy but it was
useless. She was ready to leave immediately. I love
her to death and want to be with her for eternity,
but I want our love life to get better.
Lately she has been trying to make love more
often to me than usual, but she always wants it her
way, (missionary). I have tried ordering lovemaking
videos to watch one time and she watched and that
was that. I can't even get her to look at nice
softcore porn. Also, she loves for me to go down on
her. I'll go down on her for hours at a time until
my lips are soar, and I cannot get her to go down
on me. It's like the joke around here. She refuses.
I've tried everything even not mentioning it for
3-4 months but still nothing.
Could you please help?
This sounds like a case of "selfish lover"
syndrome. Interestingly, it is more often men that
By this I mean, she wants it when she wants it,
how she wants it - or nothing. She doesn't sound
likes she's interested in pleasing you in bed at
all. Does she even bother to ask you if what she's
doing is working for you?
As you're probably already aware, women's sexual
response is much more complicated than men's.
Further, her sex drive can vacillate all over the
place - sometimes she's hot and other times she's
just not interested.
Many times, women's sex drive is influenced by
the relationship itself. If the relationship is
good, and she feels loved, the sex is good. If the
relationship isn't what she wants (or hopes for),
the sex can suffer. Of course, I don't know enough
about your relationship to say that this is the
case, but it is a possibility.
Another thing that can cause sexual problems is
outside relationships. I get many letters from guys
where the sex has dried-up, or has just become
boring only to find out she's actually seeing
someone "on the side" and focusing her sexual
energy there instead.
A final possibility is a chemical or emotional
one. Many women get involved with relationships and
gain weight, or just let themselves go. If she
doesn't feel good about herself, she will tend to
focus on things like, "I wonder if he thinks I'm
fat", or "What if he just wants me for sex, but
doesn't love me?", etc. Or, perhaps she's got some
other things on her mind that she hasn't talked to
Again, I don't know the particulars of your
relationship, but it sounds like you don't know all
of it either. I'd strongly recommend that you sit
down, turn off the TV and have a long,
heart-to-heart discussion. During this talk you
want to express to her that you're dissatisfied
with your sex life, and to find out how she feels
about it too. There must be some common ground you
can reach. If you can't find it, you may have to
either move on, or find it elsewhere.
The real key here is to have that talk, and
really get to the heart of the problem. Don't make
assumptions - make discoveries.
Good luck, much love...
Everybody Has A
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years
now and he is a wonderful man, and he plays Bass in
a band at this club. In the beginning his ex-wife
and her 2 kids use to go there to bother him. Last
weekend even his ex-mother in law and his ex's best
friend showed up! I know he wants nothing to do
with them, but he walked over and gave them all a
hug. That really hurt!
Later, they walked over to our table and told
him that his daughter is getting married and that
he should be there. He doesn't speak up to tell
them to leave us alone and that he wants nothing to
do with them anymore. Those weren't even his kids
to begin with.
Well, we ended up in a huge argument that night.
He always tells me that it doesn't matter and that
he will never go back to them, and I know that, but
I don't understand why won't he tell them he
doesn't want bothered anymore. And why does he
still hug them and treat them like friends? I feel
so uncomfortable going there anymore, but I love to
dance and I love to go and support him and his
I don't know what to do anymore. This has been
dragging on for too long without him saying
anything to them. I kept telling him that they are
NOT going to leave us alone unless he stops
associating with them. I don't want to start
trouble, but I'm tempted to say something to them
myself, but I thought he would stick up for them
and not me.
Confused and Frusterated!!
Hello "C & F"!
Oh no! Not another bass player! (I'm also a bass
player - and we're the WORST!!! - just
Everybody has a past - you, me and your
boyfriend. There is almost nothing you can about
that. Actually, the fact that he's friends with his
ex girlfriend's mother, friends, etc., should be a
GOOD thing to you!
As you already know, when a band plays a club,
the club owner is counting the number of bodies in
attendance. This is because bodies = sales; and
let's face it; he doesn't hire the band to promote
the arts! Thus, having your boyfriend's ex, her
family and friends is actually good for the band,
and therefore, your boyfriend.
I fully understand how you feel about his
friendliness toward them, and they may be coming:
1) to support the band; and 2) to get your goat;
both of which they have accomplished. However, your
boyfriend has made certain promises to you, and it
sounds like he is sticking to those promises.
Thus, you may just have to come to grips with
the fact that he has had relationships in the past
(just like you), and these people are part of this
life (just like you).
Here's another idea taken directly from an old
middle-eastern quote: "Draw your friends close, and
your enemies closer." What this means to you is,
why not get to know his ex's mother, her friends,
and even her! At least this way, they'll get to
know you, and perhaps even respect you. Yes, I know
it's much easier to be catty, but you'll gain so
much more - in their eyes, and your boyfriend's,
all while being able to deal with things "from the
Believe me, this isn't easy, but it just starts
with an introduction. The next time he plays and
any of them show up, just walk up, and say hello.
Introduce yourself if they don't know who you are,
and explain that you just wanted to get to know
them as a part of your boyfriend's past. Then, go
pick up your boyfriend's jaw from the floor.
Good luck, much love...
You Can't "Own"
I have been with the same guy for 9 months. He has
been married twice and has 4 children. The first 6
months things were really good. We became serious
and I fell in love with him and I told him so.
That's when things got crazy! He has never told me
he loves me but when I confront him about it, he
says he is scared of saying it because he thinks
things will go bad.
The past three months have been pure hell - a
rollercoaster. Three months ago he ran away scared.
I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks and then
he sent me an email and made his way back into my
life. The second time he just stayed away for a
week. I phoned him and we were okay again after
that. He keeps saying he doesn't want a girlfriend
because he doesn't want to get close. After the
second time he started to go to counseling. He was
doing really well until last Sunday when the same
thing happened again! This is a pattern for him. He
will probably call again once he gets out of his
gray period, and I want to know what you think
about this situation.
This sounds like a rollercoaster for sure!
Many women have all sorts of hang-ups too. For
men, the #1 hang-up is commitment. This is because
commitment has such a negative connotation for us.
For you girls, it means security, future, marriage,
etc. - in short, all of the good things in the
relationship. For us, it means responsibility,
problems, time away from our work and friends, and
a lack of freedom. I'm sure you've heard all this
before, but try to put yourself in a guy's shoes.
Try to imagine what we go through. Believe me,
those words; "I love you" are important to you, but
terrifying to us!
So, let's look at your particular situation.
First, if he isn't willing to commit to you, there
really isn't much you can do. From your
description, this sounds less like a simple fear,
and more like a religion! You said he's been in
counseling for this, but not whether he still is.
If so, you're going to have to realize that it's
going to take some time - possibly a long time, to
get over it all. Your real question should be "can
Unfortunately you can't own another person -
even through marriage. You can't set goals for him,
nor can you make him do anything he doesn't want to
do. If your goals are a stable, comfortable
relationship with a guy that's at ease with telling
you his feelings, this guy may not be the one for
On the other hand, if you're willing to wait
(possible a long time), and willing to live with
someone that doesn't want to commit, and won't tell
you that he loves you; this guy's a dream!
My point here is that you've got to decide what
YOU want in your life. You can't base it around
what someone else does or doesn't do. I understand
that this "on-again, off-again" relationship is
driving you crazy and you've had good things in the
past, but don't use THAT as a yardstick of the
future. As I tell people all the time, don't listen
to his (or her!) words - watch their actions!
One last thing you might want to do. *If* he
calls, and *if* he's still in counseling and *if*
he agrees to it; you might want to contact his
counselor and get a professional opinion on this
guy. That's a lot of *if's*, but *if* these things
come to pass, you might gain great insight into his
particular situation (and your possibility for a
future). However, I wouldn't count on these things.
Decide what YOU want in YOUR life and make them
happen for YOU!
Good luck, much love...
Have Confidence - Fake
it Until You Make It!
Hey, it's me again.
There is one thing I kind of struggle with, and
that is confidence.
Everyone knows they are attracted to confidence,
but what exactly is confidence? How do you show you
Hi "Me Again"!
You're absolutely right about confidence - it is
the #1 thing that women report as finding
attractive in men. In fact, I do a lot of
interviews around the country. Every time there is
a women host, or one working with the host, I
always ask her this: "What is the single thing you
find most attractive in the men you meet?" They
don't say, "money", "butts", "eyes", "cars", or
anything else most guys think. They always respond
Confidence is an interesting thing. It's hard to
fake having money if you don't have it. It's hard
to fake having a great body. It's EASY to fake
having confidence! Why? Because confidence is
really just two things:
1) Posture - both physical and mental; and,
2) Presence - your affect on people in the
Both of these can be faked very, very easily.
This is because people have a hard time telling the
difference between what is real and what is an
Let's take an example from the world of acting.
Actors talk about "breathing life into a
character", but for most of them, this is a bunch
of hooey. Most actors learn that all you really
have to do is just "walk the walk" and "talk the
talk" of the person bang portrayed. It is the rare
individual that can spot the difference between
going through the motions and actually becoming the
Confidence is like this too. If you simply adopt
the body language, and have a bright, engaging
personality - even if only for a little while, you
are perceived as having confidence! Of course, the
more you do this, the better at it you become, and
the more confidence you gain, becoming even better
at it, getting more confidence to get even better
This is a common rule of humankind. The problem
is that most of us use it to our detriment rather
than our benefit! We are scared, so we tend to
"act" differently than we really are; we avert our
eyes when we walk into a room, we act nervously
when we meet someone new. Guess what - this is
actually practicing to fake a lack of confidence!
Then, by faking this, we get better at it. Then, we
lose confidence in other situations, thereby
practicing that body language, and losing even more
So, how to you actually show confidence - even
when you don't have it. Again, take a clue from
acting: first, you imagine a situation where you've
felt completely confident - any situation will do.
You can then boost this by imagine a hero of yours
doing the same thing. For example, how would James
Bond act in the same situation?
Second, simply adopt that posture and presence!
Become that character - if only for an hour or so
in the situation where you lack confidence. This
isn't hard to do if you have a reasonably good
imagination! Further, by practicing this, you're
going to get better and better at it - and earn
more confidence at the same time.
The trick with confidence is to "fake it, until
you make it."
Good luck, much love...
10 Ways to Know When
Your Relationship Is "Right"
I spend much of my time pointing out where things
went wrong with this person's approach, or that
person's relationship, etc. I thought it might be
time to look at what makes a relationship "right".
That is, how do you know you're in a relationship
that can last? Here's my top 10:
10. You feel good about yourself and your
A good relationship makes you feel great. It
should fill in your "gaps" and make you feel whole.
It should give you emotional strength and help you
to feel that everything is ok - and will continue
to be. Another good sign is that you're better able
to survive disasters at work, at home, etc. - not
because you know someone will be there to solve
them, but because you know that YOU can.
9. You look forward to spending time
Far too many couples stay together out of habit.
They don't really look forward to being together
and try to find ways to avoid it. For example, they
always try to include other friends, go to an event
so that they'll have something to do, etc. Another
sign is fear of the "conversation lag" where nobody
has anything to say. If your relationship is
"right", you'll enjoy spending quality time
together - even when it's quiet.
8. You respect your partner, and "talk him or
Is there anyone that agrees with everything
someone else says or thinks? (I can tell you -
nobody agrees with everything I say!) There's no
reason you have to agree with everything your
partner says or thinks either. However, you should
RESPECT them for it - right or wrong.
Further, when you respect someone - really
respect them - you find yourself "talking them up"
to people. You say things like, "You know, my
girlfriend said something that I don't agree with,
but it really made me think" or "My husband really
knows about wood working - you should ask him about
What this really shows is your focus - if you
find you're always talking about yourself, you're
not focused on your partner - or the
7. You are really interested in what he or she
Along with respect, you'll find that you are
interested in your partner's thoughts on different
things - and you ask. You might have heard the
President of your company say something and you ask
your wife to get her take on it. Or, you may have
come up with an idea that you want your boyfriend
to think about - and you're not afraid of getting
6. You are aware of, but ignore their quirks
Everyone (even YOU bunky!) has his or her little
quirks. Your partner's quirks might even appear
cute to you, or at least harmless. If they're
getting to you, you should look more closely at
your relationship in general.
5. Problems don't make you think about breaking
All relationships have problems. It's natural
and healthy. However, if every time you fight you
feel ready to break up, you should re-think your
relationship. People that have good, solid
relationships see disagreements as a chance to
learn more about their lover, and to get closer.
Thus, they don't fear them, but they don't create
4. You aren't scared about losing him or her
Once you start investing your feelings in a
relationship you risk being hurt. This isn't my
rule - it's just the way it is. However, if you
dwell on the possibility of being hurt, you can't
really enjoy the relationship. Further, you
shouldn't be concerned that your lover isn't happy.
If the relationship is secure - you'll know it.
3. You're together "just because"
Many people start dating and then coordinate
their lives such that they have to be together -
either for finances, kids, family, work, the dog,
etc. Is there something keeping your relationship
together? If you're together just because you both
want to be, you've got a good reason to stay
together! If you're together because you have to
be, you'll likely to start having problems.
2. You appreciate other attractive people, but
aren't interested in them
There is someone more attractive than your
boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. I don't
care whom you're with! If your relationship is
good, you still like the way other people look, but
don't find it necessary to compare them to your
partner. After all ...
1. You are in love
If you don't know that you're in love, you're
not. Love is very difficult to explain, but one of
the best explanations I've seen is this:
"Love is when you are more concerned with the
well being, safety and happiness of someone else
than your own."
That's a pretty powerful idea, and something I
hope everyone gets to experience.
Good luck, much love...
She Doesn't Need
I read your article "What are your goals
Girl-Friend or girlfriend?" and it relates to my
situation. I met this girl a couple of years ago in
an art class, the signals were clear that we were
both interested in each other. We went out a few
times but I always held back from becoming too
intimate or talking about the possibility of being
boyfriend/girlfriend because she was leaving the
country in a month.
She invited me to visit her overseas, gave me
her address and number and asked me to write. We
wrote for a few months before I decided to go visit
her. I knew I was interested in her but was afraid
of falling in love for the wrong reasons, so I
decided to go but not cross the line with her - no
sex, no kissing, etc. I wasn't my usual self when I
was there - very reserved and not talkative. She
invited me to sleep in her bed with her but I was
again adamant about not crossing my line so I
didn't try anything.
After my vacation was over and I was leaving,
she tried to get me to tell her how I felt. I was
still afraid not really knowing how I felt yet and
having no more time with her. My feelings for her
grew and I decided I really liked her and needed to
tell her. So, I wrote her a letter. I called and we
spoke about it and she was very angry. She was
frustrated with me not opening up. She said my last
chance was when I was there and it's too late
I was planning on going back to see her
unannounced with flowers on New Years Eve to see if
I could change her mind. A friend of hers got wind
of this and tipped her off. She wrote back ending
the relationship and told me not to call her
because she doesn't see me as anything more than
just a friend. I hadn't heard from her for about 7
months when a letter arrived out of nowhere. We
started casually writing again. She told me she was
planning to come to the states that summer to
visit, and would be staying with a girlfriend of
When she arrived, we went out. We had a
wonderful time, talked and laughed but only as
friends. We spoke on the phone after she went back
to her country and explained my reasons for not
crossing the line. She told me she still sees me as
a friend however. I still feel that I want to be
with her. My plan is to build intimacy, trust and
closeness through email and phone calls.
Her birthday is coming up in December and I am
thinking of contacting a friend of hers to have her
arrange a surprise party and I'd show up and
surprise her. What do you suggest?
My brother, I'm sorry to tell you - you totally
pussed out! If you care to know, I can tell you
exactly what she's thinking - she was hoping for a
boyfriend, and she got another girlfriend instead.
In fact, that's exactly how she's treated you after
you went to Europe the first time. Sorry to be so
harsh, but someone has to. It might as well be me.
You have totally bought into the "feminization of
men" that I talk about so much in my interviews,
books, and articles.
Bobby, I get letters every single day from women
complaining about the same things you've done.
Women DO NOT want men that are "sensitive", "take
it slow" or "spend time getting to know them". They
want strong, confident men that have a direction
and are willing to make things the way THEY (the
men) want them to be. Women have had to take the
relationship lead for the past 35 years or so, and
frankly, they aren't happy about it. Believe me,
they tell me this all the time.
This girl isn't happy about your choices either.
If you DO put together the surprise birthday party,
don't YOU be surprised if she shows up with a
boyfriend! I mean, how much do you expect the poor
girl to take? Short of jumping on you she did
everything else. Why wouldn't she go the "extra
mile"? Because, she was disappointed with the idea
of being in a relationship with someone that
couldn't make any moves - let alone even the first
ones! You've made just about every mistake I can
think of, and a few new ones. If you ever want to
have a future with women, you've got to get this
Bobby, again, I'm sorry to be so harsh, but
you've got to get this mistaken (and misplaced)
sense of respect and courtesy corrected. You
haven't done her any favors, nor have you done
yourself any. No wonder she was so angry with you!
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't be respectful
when dealing with women, but you've taken this so
far to the extreme it's ridiculous! You'd better
get some direction. Unfortunately, it isn't her job
to "make the moves" - it's yours. That's the way it
is. She's given you every possible opportunity to
make them, and you've ignored each one.
So, what should you do? First, drop the "falling
in love with her for the wrong reasons", and "to
build intimacy, trust and share" plans. Yes, I know
that's what "popular media" says you should do. My
brother, you've been watching too much Oprah, and
the Lifetime Network. Women are just as confused
about what they want today as men, so at least
you're in good company. But, you can't use THEIR
messages as an example of how to deal with
relationships with them! Fathers and older brothers
are supposed to help you get this understanding,
but too often, they either aren't in the picture,
or have bought into all of this crap themselves.
Think of me as that older brother that's here to
help - finally.
To be honest with you, I doubt you have any more
chances with this girl. If she ever gives you
another chance, consider her that Saint of Saints!
Frankly, you're better choice is to find someone
local and begin pursing them with all the problems
I also believe that you have another issue going
on here - fear. Why did you choose so difficult a
target as someone living overseas? Are you thinking
about moving there or hoping that she'll move here?
She has a life there, just like you do here. I
doubt she's going to up and leave her friends, her
family and her life to rush off to the States and
be your buddy.
I think that you've been afraid to make your
move for fear of rejection. What if she turned you
down? An even bigger question is, what if anyone
turns you down? It's going to happen, if not now,
in the future, so what are you waiting for? Get
moving! Meet some new girls and start getting
I often give this advice to men: if you've got
problems being afraid of rejection, don't look for
"yes's", look for "no's". What do I mean by this?
Set a goal for yourself to get 3 "no's" from women
every week. Actively try to seek them out. Why
would any sane guy want to do this? Because, you
are special, my friend. However, you are not SO
special as to fail every single time! Scattered in
amongst those "no's" are going to be a bunch of
"yes's". Go back and re-read this paragraph.
Here's a quick summary of these thoughts:
1. Get your head on straight about women - in
short, get your testicles back in your pants where
they belong, and stop trying to make them do all
the work to protect your ego. You've got to get
into the game - don't sit on the sidelines!
2. Get your "relationship plan" completed,
(you'll learn all about this in my book), and get
your "seduction knowledge" up.
3. Get your relationship life on track - get
numbers and start dating! Stay with this girl as a
friend, but don't invest everything you have in
her. I doubt you have any further chances.
Bobby, I know I've taken this in a different
direction than you expected. However, the problem
isn't in HER reaction to YOUR actions - it's in
YOUR philosophy. Until you get this corrected,
you're never going to have anything going on with
this woman, or any other. Please mull over this and
let me know what you think.
Good luck, much love...
© 2002, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,