Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love,
relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer
all letters. Write E-Mail
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
The Big "O"
The "Friend" That Broke
Up A Relationship
How Can I Get Him Off
How To Not Be
Is It Better to Give or
It's a Game - a Man's
Its Marriage Or
Love Isn't An Excuse
To Be Abused
Massage Revisited: The
Musings About More Mixed
My "Friend" Wants
Ready to Jump In and
Ruin Our Future!
The Sexless, Passionless
Time to Kick Your "Inner
Child's" Little Ass!
What To Do When You Just
Can't Seem To Let Go
Where To Look To Find
Why Doesn't He Want
What I Want?
Ready to Jump In and
Ruin Our Future!
I met my boyfriend on September 24th, 2003, a
little over a month ago. From the first night we
met we have been inseparable. After only a week I
moved in with him. And everything is great and well
I know I want to be with him and only him for the
rest of my life, but I am 18 turning 19 in
December, he is 24 and were both ready to settle
down and get married and have KIDS!
We recently had sex and just yesterday I got my
period and he got so depressed because he wants to
have a baby. I tried to tell him that it's best
that we wait until marriage to have kids, we tried
to wait on having sex but sleeping in the same bed
doesn't help the situation.
Well the question is are we rushing things a
little too fast? He's saving every penny to get me
a ring; he wants to ask my dad for his blessing and
so on. I love him with all my heart I just don't
want to rush into marriage so we can have KIDS! I'M
ONLY 18 and I work 40 hours a week and go to
college 9 hrs a week at night. When would I have
time to raise a child right now? I'm just scared
and I dont know how to tell him that he's rushing
And, how do I tell him NO more sex before
marriage? I feel terrible about that. I wanted
everything right. I know living with him doesn't
sound good, but we couldn't stand to be apart.
Are you rushing things? How could you possibly
NOT be rushing things? You've only known each other
since September 24th - only about a month, you
moved in together in just a week, you're already
engaged and he's ready to start a family - oh, and
you're only 18, and 24 respectively?????
What the hell are you thinking??? Further, why
aren't your parents trying to help you see all of
Let's see if I can look into your
future...yes...yes, it's getting clearer, now...I
can see something there...Ah! There it is:
You get pregnant; have to give up your school,
and likely your job. You both are going to live in
a mobile home, (or worse, with one of your
parents), and exist on food stamps. He's going to
get bored in a few years, realizing that he's given
up his own youth for a family and responsibility he
wasn't ready for and decide to move on. You are now
a single mother of one or more kids. Of course,
your own education will have been discarded long
ago, and you'll have to go back to work at any old
job you can find to make ends meet while you raise
your child alone. During this time you become jaded
and angry with men and life in general - all
because you were in a big rush.
If you really love this guy - and he really
loves you back, why are you in such a hurry to just
jump in and make all the wrong choices about your
life? Doesn't your love deserve some good planning
and careful consideration too? You've already made
a huge number of really bad choices, isn't it about
time you made some good ones? You have your entire
life ahead of your to either build something
incredible or to totally ruin. Guess which path
you're on right now?
You need to have a discussion with your
boyfriend and it's not going to be easy - believe
me. However, you've taken all the easy choices up
until now and not made any of the hard decisions,
so this is exactly where you've landed. It's
unfortunate, but by your own actions, your choices
What you need to do is this:
First, confirm to your boyfriend that you love
him and are concerned that you make the right
choices about your lives together.
Next, explain to him that until you have some of
your own life goals under your belt you aren't
ready for a marriage and family yet. That will
change once you get your goals reached, but until
then you're going to be unhappy about giving them
up. He needs to understand this and if he loves you
and cares about you he will.
Next, move out and get back on your own. Build
your savings, finish your education, and get into
your career - all while building the right
relationship for you both. He needs to do exactly
the same thing. This doesn't mean that you have to
give up sex with your boyfriend, and in fact, I
strongly urge you to NOT do this. Sex is one of the
areas that you need to practice between you and he,
and if you neglect it, you're going to find that
your relationship suffers as well. HOWEVER: USE
PROTECTION!!! Every single time - no exceptions.
You HAVE to prevent an unwanted pregnancy at all
costs! If you get preggers, you future is gone -
trust me on this.
That means that you have to get on some form of
birth control yourself (see my site for specifics:
and you must demand that he uses condoms every
single time! "No glove...no love...no
Finally, you and he should sit down and chart
out your future - don't just rush headlong into it
without some planning.
This means that you should decide that after
your education is finished and your career is
started, you then revisit the idea of being
married. During that time you work on and build
your relationship - believe me it takes work! If
you truly love each other that love isn't going to
fade, it's going to get better and better, but the
rigors of marriage - especially so soon is going to
do the exact opposite to you both.
Make some good decisions about your relationship
and your future together, don't just jump into it
hoping for the best - this never works!
I understand that at 19, all you see is your 19
years behind you, but in another 19 years, you're
going to be 38 - even younger than I am, and you're
going to have a very different perspective then.
Don't waste those years with bad choices now. You
and your boyfriend deserve much, much better. Feel
free to share this letter with him if you think it
The Sexless, Passionless
I ran across some articles that you wrote, and
found on Remington Publications online and looked
at the book, 'Being a Man in a Woman's World.' I
have not as yet read your book but I am so
interested in it that I am planning to purchase it
I am a 24-year-old virgin. I have chosen this
for myself because I have not been able to find
'the one' person that is compatible with me as yet.
And also then I still plan on waiting till I get
married to have sex. Also I do not think that
teasing a man is good, or turning him on just to
let him down. So I do not engage in kissing,
rubbing up on someone ect. My question for you is.
When is it a good time to let men know about my
ideals? I have been telling them straight up what
I'm about. But this has lead to me being single so
long. I need advice in this, because I'm confused
in how to handle this now.
Secondly I have had only one boyfriend. This was
when I was younger about 15-16 years old age. He
respected my wishes and me. I was insecure about
our relationship. I wondered why he was dating me
when there were so many other beautiful women out
there. So when a 'friend' told me he was cheating
on me I believed her. Needless to say, It was a bad
decision on my part. I have not stopped thinking
about him. We lost touch when I cane off to
college. But I have never stopped thinking about
What should I do? Please help me decide.
Since you've written to me for my opinion, let
me offer it: you are wrong, wrong, wrong about all
of this! If you ever have another boyfriend with
that attitude, you'd better consider yourself the
luckiest woman on the planet! As to when you should
tell someone about this decision, I think it should
be within the first paragraph of meeting him!
I don't personally know of any man that would
ever allow himself to enter into such a
"relationship" and frankly, I often advise men to
NOT do so! It is a very unhealthy, risky thing to
do. If you've chosen this lifestyle, fine, but
please don't expect another human being to
"respect" you for it. It's just foolish.
Why do I say this? Simple. You have absolutely
NO skills, because you've avoided learning them.
What are you going to use to keep your husband
"happy" in this fantasy relationship you imagine?
Of all the things you need to learn,
sexual/physical capability is among the most
important! Believe me on this one! I don't know of
any guy that is worthwhile that would accept such a
ridiculous situation. You may find him, but I've
never seen one.
So, you may find some guy that would tolerate a
sexless, passionless, premarital relationship with
you, but frankly, what are you telling him? Only
one thing: he'd better expect a sexless,
passionless marriage too. Now, don't write to me
telling me that isn't the case, because frankly,
you don't know! You don't have any experience to
say either way. I have the experiences of my own
highly sexual life, along with over 5,700 letters
in the last few years!
If this is a religious decision, I strongly urge
you to join a convent. This is the only practical
way in which I believe you can have what you want.
You can completely avoid sex, physicalness,
passion, etc., and have a "marriage" with God
Barring that, I think you'd better expect to be
alone the rest of your life, but know that at least
you stuck by your beliefs. Personally, I wish much,
much better for you than this because I think you
I'm looking for some advice on this girl I've
been seeing. I took her out a couple of weeks ago.
We got a bite to eat, played pool, had a few
drinks, etc. and had kick ass time. We went back to
her place and played around a bit. I stayed over,
but had a mutual agreement for no sex the first
time. I talked to her about every other night the
following week on the phone, both of us making an
equal effort to call but not be too "needy." We had
made plans to go out again the following Saturday
but settled for a Sunday movie because she ended up
traveling for the holiday weekend.
Sunday went pretty good and I went back to her
place to watch TV for a bit. Maybe I'm reading into
it too much, but when we started playing around,
she wouldn't slip me the tongue like I expected. I
wasn't trying to get laid by any means, but it
would have been nice to make out a bit.
Do I just need to relax and act like it's no
biggie? We're going out again Friday, probably
dinner and a few drinks or live music. I could use
some advice so I don't do something dumb and "drop
What you have here is an issue of
In my new book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World
II", I talk about both of these topics: learning to
understand what she means by what she says, and the
art of sexual conversion - moving a date from a
friendly, fun time into the bedroom.
Let's deal with the communication issue.
It probably wasn't YOU that decided that you
wouldn't sleep together on the first date, it was
likely SHE that decided this and you simply agreed.
Ok, fine if that's what you wanted. This usually is
excused away by saying that you want something
long-term with her and that's why you would be
willing to wait. In fact, there is no such rule
anywhere in the Universe! I get letters all the
time from people that slept together on their first
dates and stayed together or even got married.
How early you choose to sleep with someone has
no bearing on the longevity of the relationship.
This is instead a way for a woman to prevent you
(she believes) from "not respecting her", or from
thinking she's too easy. Of course us guys know
that this is ridiculous. It's a "woman thing".
When you agreed to not sleep together on the
first date (even though you both were obviously
ready), there was something that you missed. It was
a implication that YOU (as the man) had to do the
sexual conversion during a subsequent date! Yes, I
know that wasn't said, but in her mind, she
believed she implied it! Remember, she doesn't want
to come off as too easy, and if she let's you make
all the moves, she's safe!
Thus, you'll have to decide when you're ready to
convert, and when you're ready, to make the
Time to Kick Your "Inner
Child's" Little Ass!
This week's article is a departure from my usual
format where I answer a reader's specific question.
This is my response to a reader that has written a
number of times to tell me all about his failures
with a certain woman, and women in general.
My first response was to direct him to get his
education with women corrected. He then began
sending all the reasons why he just couldn't reach
his goals and why education wouldn't work for
I think that sometimes we all need a little kick
in the ass to get back on track.
Let's get past the bullshit here. You've written
to me now a few times to tell me what a failure you
are and why you just can't reach your goals with
women. There is only one reason why any of this is
true: it's your attitude. You've allowed yourself
the luxury of being a failure so that you can feel
sorry for yourself and hope that others will too. I
don't work this way. In fact, you've taken the
pussy's way out.
Now, don't write to me again telling me all the
failures you've had in your life as though that's a
reason why you can't succeed. That's just crap - a
total cop-out, and an absolving of your
responsibilities to yourself. The fact is you can
succeed with this woman - or any other if you just
decide you want to. But that means you're going to
have to bite the bullet and get educated. You're
going to have to accept responsibility for your
success - and your failure, because believe me:
it's only YOU that causes either. You might be
"special" and "unique" but you aren't so special or
unique that you can fail every single time - unless
YOU set yourself up for it. Believe me, I see this
happen every single day for guys much worse off
than you - they cut the crap, grow up and start
It's tough to be successful, but it's by far
tougher to be a failure - especially when you
finally realize that either is entirely up to you.
Nobody outside of yourself has anything to do with
this. YOU make the decisions to avoid education.
YOU put yourself out there without help to get
tromped on, and YOU revel in the pain YOU cause
YOURSELF. But then, it's also YOU that has to
decide YOU'VE had enough and are going to move past
Don't write to me again with your perceived
failures. I'm not going to nurture that inner child
of yours. Instead, I'm going to kick its little
ass. Start your growth plan TODAY. Get a copy of my
book and READ the damn thing! Do the exercises and
start yourself on the road you really want - one of
success with women. THEN we'll have something
worthwhile to write about. Who knows, maybe I'll
even put your story in my next book - but only if
YOU do the work first!
The "Insider Friend"
I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 weeks
now and we've had a few problems. We've worked most
of them out, but there's one that just won't go
away. There's this guy that has some attention
issues (he's desperate for attention) and he's
spending time with her, which pisses me off because
I know what he feels about her.
Now, about a month ago my girlfriend asked me
not to talk to this chick that she absolutely hates
and so I said ok because I knew it made her very
uncomfortable and I respect her feelings. Well,
this guy makes me feel very uncomfortable when he's
around her (which is more than when I'm with her
because he's a bastard and it's bugging the crap
out of me) and so I told her how I felt.
It's not that I didn't want them to stop
talking, it's just they've spent more time then my
girlfriend and I have. So I told her that I totally
stopped talking to this chick because it made her
feel uncomfortable and she gave me this line of
bullshit, "You can't even compare them two!" I was
simply telling her what made me uncomfortable and
that she should respect that.
He's still being a bastard and I'm not sure if I
should pull the plug or if there's some way to get
this guy to spend less time with her and more time
with his mother. So, if you could please help, I
would greatly appreciate it, since you are the
master of dating and relationships (and I'm being
serious. I've read some of your stuff and it's
awesome.) Just a little bit of advice please.
You have an absolute right to not have your
relationship with your girlfriend impacted by
someone else. Unless your girlfriend is a
psychologist, she can't help this guy and is
foolish for trying. The guy is trying to "work it
from the inside" by spending time with her and
being her "friend". To your advantage however, very
few women will ever date such a "friend" and you're
probably safe, but that isn't the issue. Your
girlfriend owes you and your relationship the
respect it deserves.
I'd suggest this:
First, tell her that you are tired of the
situation and this guy just wants to bang her.
She'll deny it (women always do!) so you'll say,
"Ok, let's give him a call, and you ask him if he'd
sleep with you if he could." This should wake her
up even without making the phone call!
Next, tell her that she has to make a choice.
She's no counselor and can't help this jackass. He
needs to seek that help elsewhere and she's just
preventing him from doing so - a very cruel and
selfish thing. Further, it's affecting your
feelings for her. Either she gets her head straight
about your relationship, or you're moving on so
fast it will make it (her head) spin! No
Stop calling her if she does not absolutely
agree with this 100% and act on it immediately. In
fact, hand her the phone and let her get started
with the correction that very minute.
My brother, you deserve the respect she owes you
- just like you've given her. This isn't about
balance - whether your giving up your friend for
her was more or less than her doing the same for
you - it was purely about respect for you and the
relationship. Don't let her turn it into anything
Testing by Proxy
Dear Dr. Neder,
I have bought your book and enjoyed it greatly.
I've always done well with the ladies and reading
your book had taught me another trick or 10. I'm
also of the though that it's a good idea to get
other points of view and so I subscribe to a couple
of other dating newsletters and the likes, but
you're information has been the foundation for
anything else that I read to work though.
In any case I have this question. I was in a
long-term relationship with a very cute girl with
one hell of a temper. She was a brat and I told her
so on many occasions. I don't consider myself weak
by any means so this was not the problem and I
certainly passed all the "Tests" that were
attempted on me. Long story short, enough was
enough and my 2-year relationship ended on a very
good and positive note. I know that sounds strange,
but my Ex and I were always better suited to being
buddies than anything else, it just so happens that
it took us 2 years to figure it out. The sex was
amazing and that alone was the glue that kept us
together for such a long period.
It has now been two years since my ex and I have
stopped being a couple and it's been about 1.5
years of honest to goodness friendship. Everything
was fine until recently that is. You see, I have
noticed that she is trying to "Test" me once again
on certain small things. It's not very apparent but
I'm pretty sure that this is what's happening.
The actual question I have is why are these
tests happening. My Ex (now my friend) and her
boyfriend are both people I consider my friends,
she's more of a personal friend than he is but
that's beside the point. They also seem to be happy
and have been together for a year. He treats her
differently from what she was used to with me. He
gives into her demands and wishes every time; he
apologizes for things that he doesn't need to
apologize for etc. He exemplifies "wuss" behavior.
I'm sure that you can guess that I didn't let her
get away with walking all over me, when she asked
me to do something, I would say no and if I thought
it would be a nice thing to do I would do it but
only when I decided to. I didn't burry her in
compliments, in fact I gave very few. I busted on
her a lot for silly things she did, etc. etc.
As far as the tests are concerned, these days
she has gone into old patterns in testing me by
breaking a date. Nowadays they obviously aren't
dates but just get-togethers. She tries to upset me
to see my reactions on the silliest of topics.
Basically every single "Feminine Test" on the
"Books" she has been trying on me lately and I
can't stress enough that this is something that has
only manifested itself in the past two months.
I think I've just answered my own question but
is it possible that she's trying to get back
together with me? Also, if she is trying to get
back with me then why does she want to get back
together when we both agreed that we were like oil
and water and parted literally as pals?
Thanks for all you do for us guys,
First, congratulations on your success, and your
obvious work on your own education! (Your diploma
is in the mail!)
This is a very interesting phenomenon that I've
seen a number of times with others and in my own
life. The key elements are (1) you had a good
sexual relationship; (2) that you are still
friends; (3) that she is with a wussy guy now, and
(4) that you passed her tests regularly.
What I think is actually going on is that she's
"filling in the gaps" for her current boyfriend
through your friendship, and is effectively testing
you because he's failing! I've even come up with a
term for this, "Testing by Proxy". In effect, she's
getting her sex, companionship, support and maybe
even love from her boyfriend, but she's still
missing that masculine sense which she gets from
Interestingly, if you were to break up the
friendship, two things would happen. First, she's
probably break up with her boyfriend soon
afterward. The reason for this is that she'd
realize he wasn't giving her what she needed from
him. That masculine part that she craves was coming
The second thing that would happen is that she's
start being attracted to you again. This need for
the masculine counterpart in women is very strong.
When women are with (or even around) men that can
pass their Tests, they feel as through they can
relax and be the feminine woman they imagine
themselves to be. I've had many women actually tell
If you ever wanted to start a sexual
relationship with her again, this would be the
exact way to go about it - break up your friendship
first. In your case however, the downside to it is
that you and she don't otherwise fit. You might
consider a "friends with privileges" relationship
if the sex was worth it, but then, I'm sure you
already know how I feel about female friends.
How To Not Be "Clingy"
What chemicals (or emotions) in your body cause
you to naturally become clingy when you have sex
with a woman or be with a woman, especially with
one you like?
Now, I am full aware of the dangers of becoming
clingy and attached and I've always been able to
keep my emotions under control. I've been with
several women but I recently met one I REALLY like
and would consider keeping around for the long
term. She is very unselfish, sexual, fun, exciting
to be around, very physical, funny, beautiful, she
is always looking to make me happy and get my
approval, and she has confessed to liking me a lot
and wanting to be with me and like I said, we've
already had sex. She even introduced me to her
family and she met mine as well. That type of woman
is rare, as you know. But that's also why I
continue talking to multiple women at the same time
to keep from becoming "hooked" on any one woman and
I am following "Being A Man..." to my utmost
ability to make sure she DOES stay around for
I can't understand what causes you to have the
urge to be clingy. She Tested me tonight by saying
she was going to call but didn't. She claims to
have "family" problems and that's why she cancelled
our date, (but she DID give me 24 hours notice.)
When I talk to her again, I'll be SURE to call her
on it. She said, "I hope you're not mad I had to
break our date" and I said: "No, not if you make it
up to me".
So what is it that causes you to have the
natural urge to become "attached" to certain women?
And second, is there anything else you would like
to add to "Being A Man..." to further help me pass
this test with flying colors?
Thank you Doctor!
Actually, there are a number of chemicals that
are at play, but I don't think you're asking for a
biochemistry lesson here. In fact, the reason that
people feel clingy tends to stem from insecurity
more than anything else.
When a person is in love, they love what and who
the other person is. That love exists whether the
person is next to you or not! So love doesn't make
you feel that way. Jealousy, insecurity, neediness
and fear are the main emotions that cause that
If you're afraid of losing her you might want to
hold on tighter, but as you already know, that just
pushes her away even farther. The real trick is to
know that you have options (as does she), and that
you want to manage these options while you let her
prove to you that she's someone that deserves you
With this woman, everything sounds good so far.
If you think you want her around for a while, start
pruning the tree by getting rid of the 4's, 3's and
eventually any 2's you have hanging around. I don't
recommend that you do it all at once however. You
want to ease your way into an LTR here because an
abrupt change may be too obvious and actually might
scare her away! After all, she's on the chase now,
right where she wants to be.
The "Friend" That Broke
Up A Relationship
I'm 24 and I just recently had a bad breakup
with a guy that I've been with for 3 years. The
reason why we broke up is because he thinks I
cheated on him, but I didn't!
The story is; I was talking to a male friend on
the phone at his house (because I live with him)
and he overheard everything that I said to my
friend. The conversation was a sexual conversation,
but I was just fooling around!
My ex-boyfriend doesn't believe me, and he
thinks that I cheated with this guy because of the
conversation. I can understand that he's pissed
off. But, he doesn't want to talk to me or see me
anymore he's telling all his friends that he's
going to just forget about me.
I'm hurting really badly. What do I do? What do
I say to convince him that I didn't cheat I was
just fooling around with my friend? I want him
back. Everybody makes mistakes and I think I
deserve a second chance.
PLEASE HELP! I don't know what to do.
First, let's look at what the real mistake is:
it's not about the conversation at all, it's about
having a male friend that is so close that you feel
you can carry on these types of conversations! Let
You have the "right" (if you want to call it
that) to talk to your "friends" about anything you
damn well please. However, when you do this you
risk harming other things that are important to
you. Look at it like this: you have the "right" to
drive your car into a bad neighborhood, park it
unlocked, with the keys in it too. If it gets
stolen, that wasn't "right" but it happened just
the same, and now you get to suffer without the
Here's why your boyfriend is angry: your male
"friend" is just trying to work himself into the
action. Men don't choose women as "friends" unless
they want something more. That is the way it is and
you're going to have to first get yourself fully
around that fact. If you even doubt this for one
instant, give me his phone number and I'll ask him!
But, you don't have to do that, I already know the
Your boyfriend is angry because HE knows this
fact too (all men do). By having such friends - and
especially by having these kinds of conversations
with them - you are just fueling the fire your
boyfriend already knows exists.
Now, let's take it the next step: your boyfriend
has the right to not have his relationship with you
(or any woman) impacted by outsiders, and it's YOUR
job to make sure that doesn't happen, just like
it's his job to make sure that YOUR relationship
with him isn't affected either. You didn't hold up
your end of the bargain in his eyes, (he's right,
by the way), and that is why he's angry.
Frankly, you've probably destroyed this
relationship - maybe beyond repair. If you want to
salvage it, you really have only one chance. Here's
what you need to do:
1) Go talk to him - not on the phone or via
email, but in person.
2) Explain that you now understand why he's angry
where you didn't before.
3) Tell him that you are going to stop the
"friendship" with this guy - or any that you are so
close with and ask him to forgive you.
4) DO IT. Stop choosing your male "friends" over
your relationship, and start treating it with the
respect it deserves.
You've got to realize that your male friends
aren't your "buddies". They want to bang you and
work they're way to you from the inside. That's the
only reason why they are your "friends". Sorry,
that's just the way it is. Either treat your
relationships with the respect they deserve, or
don't plan to have many good ones.
Why Doesn't He Want
What I Want?
I have a dating dilemma and hopefully you can help
I have been dating this man on and off for 1 1/2
years. The first 3-4 months of dating was dinner
once twice a week, kissing and nothing else. Then I
found out that he had a girlfriend. When I told him
I knew. He said he wanted to continue seeing me but
needed some time to wrap things up with his
He would call and leave me "missing, thinking of
you messages" but the dates became less frequent;
maybe once or twice a month. We always had a good
time but I could not really be 100% myself knowing
there was someone else.
He suggested meeting me in another city for a
couple of days (due to our travel schedules) but at
last minute cancelled. He wanted to reschedule to
somewhere else to make it up to me. I first was ok
with it, because it takes a awhile to unwind a
situation, I then ran out of patience and told him
how I felt and that I was getting frustrated
waiting for a relationship.
Then I met a co-worker of his at a party, who
told me things with the girlfriend had begun to
cool down. I told this person, I was glad that I
had yet to sleep with him. The next day I got a
phone call, from my guy complaining about my
conversation with his co-worker. He insisted on
When he got to my house, he stated he was not
mad at me, and started kissing me. I did not say a
word and went with it (due to how many times I told
him what I wanted and how I felt) we had sex.
Afterwards, I've received no phone call or
anything. Four weeks went by and I could not take
it anymore so I left a message or two letting him
know I cant believe I waited this long and was
feeling rejected, humiliated etc., etc. He called
back once on my voice mail and left a message but
didn't try again.
A couple of weeks passed and it was his
birthday. I called to wish him a happy birthday but
lost my nerve and hung up. He called back. We made
a plan to meet for dinner. Over dinner, I asked him
why he didn't call, he stated he left my house,
happy, smile on his face etc., etc. but that he did
not know what the next step was. He also said, I
knew he was still involved with his girlfriend. He
then told me that he never dated a girl with her
act together and it scares him. He them drove me
home and I asked to kiss him (he was being pretty
passive) we then ended up having sex again.
So again, I waited and there was no phone call.
It has been 2 weeks. I then left a couple of
messages telling him I can't believe this his
happening again. Shame on him the first time, shame
on me the second time.
I just don't understand. What's wrong with me,
or the vibe I give off to get this type of
treatment? Why I don't deserve a call. Why do my
words mean nothing?
Can you help clarify this for me?
First of all, I think it's a little unfair to be
so unhappy with him because he has a girlfriend!
Let me explain: women do this all the time. They go
from boyfriend to boyfriend something like crossing
a stream by jumping from rock to rock. However,
women expect men to be completely unencumbered
before they pursue someone else. I know this isn't
your question, but I raise the issue simply for
You also seem to put all the pressure on him to
call you. Then, when you finally can't take it any
more, you call him and blame him for not calling.
What's wrong with you calling him in the first
place? Just because he doesn't follow your
particular script, doesn't mean that he's
There is another problem with this story. You
continue to talk about what you and he said, but
aren't paying attention to the actions. If he
doesn't call you for weeks - or months on end -
what exactly is he saying with that behavior?
Frankly, that's a much more important clue than
anything he says, or his responses to what you
You've got to make a decision for yourself and
your life. Just what is it that you want? Do you
want this kind of relationship where you don't know
what's going on with someone, or do you want to be
with someone that shows you via his actions that he
wants to be with you? I'll bet it's the latter, and
if so, you've also answered the question of what do
The real key to good relationships is simply to
decide what you want up-front. Don't let someone
else do that for you. Then, all you have to do is
to measure the actions of someone against your
goals and see if they fit. If they don't (as this
case apparently doesn't), it's time to move on and
find a situation that DOES fit.
That Elusive G-Spot!
I have tried everything that I have read, and been
told to try when it comes to finding the g-spot. I
have even bought toys to use on myself, but have
had no luck at all.
I have been told were it is, and that if you
feel like you have to pee, then you are doing the
right thing, and to just let it go. When I do this
the only thing that I get is pee (it's not a pretty
picture!) I have even gone pee before hand, and I
get the same out come, or lack there of.
Do you have any advice on how I can find my
g-spot? I would hate to think that I am going to
have to go all my life with out it. Please help
Don't get all wrapped up in your g-spot! Every
woman is different. You might not have the same
experience as other women with your own anatomy.
Frankly, what's important isn't that you find it -
or that you even have one; what's important is that
your sexual response is healthy and that you are
comfortable with your body!
In most women, the g-spot is a fleshy area about
1-1/2 to 2 inches inside the front wall of your
vagina (if you were standing up). You can sometimes
find it by inserting a finger inside you while
lying on your back and curving it upwards. You may
(or may not) find an area that has a slightly
different sensation. I've never heard of anyone
saying it felt like you had to pee, but again,
every woman is different!
Consider that some women are able to climax in a
slightly different way from this type of
stimulation. This climax sometimes includes an
ejaculation of fluid that isn't urine at all, but
is actually mostly water and other materials. I've
had women riding me that came so hard they
ejaculated and actually soaked the bed and me!
These are all normal physical reactions and if
you have them, fine. If not, fine. The key isn't to
be like everyone else. It's to be healthy and happy
in the way that fits YOU.
There is the girl at work that I have become
very attracted to. In fact, I think it may even be
love! I've known her now for about a year.
We even went out for drinks one night only to
find out that she has a boyfriend! So, I backed off
a little, but we still spend all kinds of time at
work talking, being friendly, we've even hugged a
One day, she can in and was visibly depressed,
so I asked her what was wrong. She held back, but
when I pressed her on it, she told me that she and
her boyfriend had a fight. I asked her if she
wanted to talk about it and she thanked me, but
declined. I told her that she had my number and she
could call if she needed to. The next day, I found
a message from her thanking me for my concern and
for "helping" her through that rough time.
She never mentions her boyfriend, and from what
I've heard, they never do anything together. They
just seem to stay home, watch TV, and never go out
on the weekends.
What should I do?
Ok, let me clear up a couple of points here
1) Most all women have "boyfriends" when you
first meet them. This is NORMAL. Unlike us guys
that end one relationship before moving on to the
next one (we are expected to do this from honor!),
women move from boyfriend to boyfriend. Think of
this like crossing a stream by jumping from rock to
rock. Thus, boyfriends should never intimidate
2) You are horrifyingly close to being this
woman's "friend". If you become her friend, you
will NEVER be anything else to her!
3) You need to act immediately to prevent
entering the "friend zone".
Here's how you do this:
Invite her out for some drinks, to play pool,
etc. In general just to have some INEXPENSIVE fun.
Don't take her to an elaborate dinner or anything
expensive as you'll look like you're just trying to
buy your way into her pants. Also, don't take her
to a concert or a movie. You need some "face time"
with her. Also, pick her up, don't plan to meet her
You want to take her to a place where you can
get her talking about herself. Don't regale her
with your stories. Your job here is to get her
talking, and to establish connection. There are a
number of communication tools you can use to do
this which are far too extensive to cover in email.
I strongly urge you to get a copy of "Being a Man
in a Woman's World" and study them.
Once you've established connection, you
absolutely need to kiss her. This is a critical
element and starts everything off. I urge you to
not wait until the end of the evening. If you do,
you'll be showing that you're a coward not a man.
One way to do this is to take a walk and then just
stop, spin her around and pull her to you for a
deep, passionate kiss. Do this for a minute or two,
and then continue on like nothing happened.
Believe me, if you knock her socks off here,
she's going to be over her old boyfriend so fast it
will make your head spin.
Musings About More Mixed
I was reading one of your Internet responses to
a relationship question, and hope you can help me
I met him at a weekly happy hour. We started as
just friends but I noticed that he seemed to only
want to hang around me at the happy hours. I knew
he was not involvement material so recently out of
a marriage, so I kept it light. Problem was the
more time we hung together (every week) the more
attached I became. Then I started kind of being a
confidante to him and he shared a lot of his
ex-wife stories. Even though we kept it "just
friends" I could feel sexual tension between us. We
then started flirting some (sexual innuendoes) and
I am pretty sure he was attracted to me. We hung
out so much at this happy hour group that others in
the group asked if we were dating!
After a few months, I started getting frustrated
that he never asked me out. I rationalized it by
saying he was still raw from his divorce and he had
also hinted he wasn't ready to date. One time he
said he had "no trust in women" right now. One time
he told me that he really didn't like this happy
hour group and probably would not come at all if I
did not go!
One night I had too much to drink, and he
offered to take me to his place he did not want me
to drive. He said I could even have my own room. We
spent the night in the same bed. He started to make
a move but I said no. After that it still seemed
fine with him. We picked up as before being just
friends. But as soon as we left this happy hour, it
was like a wall went up and he never would let it
extend beyond the confines of that.
Then 2 months ago, while at the happy hour his
friend said something that bothered me. He said,
"He is dying to have sex with you and he can't take
it!" That upset me. The next day I e-mailed him and
said that while I was attracted to him, I could not
handle casual sex. I ended it with "don't e-mail me
back, I don't want to discuss it more."
After that he stopped coming to the happy hours
until last week. It had been 2 months since I last
saw him. I could tell he was tense and he avoided
eye contact. I stayed away and was talking to
another guy most of the night.
As I left that night I ran into him in the
parking lot talking to someone. He did not see me,
so I tapped him on the shoulder and said "hi". He
looked at me with the saddest eyes, and when I
started to leave he stopped me and said, "Don't go,
stay and talk awhile." First it was chitchat and
then he said, "Is this all we are going to talk
about!" I said, "I really don't know what to say."
He said, "I was upset in that e-mail you sent me
not allowing me to e-mail you back. Things have
gotten really weird between us."
Well I then lost it and it all came out. I said,
"look, I can no longer just do this buddy thing
with you I am too attracted to you and I just can't
do it anymore!" He said, "I can't go there right
now, I just can't do it." He also said, "I can't
cross the line with you and right now I only think
of you as a friend."
I said, "Is it just me or everyone right now?"
He said, "No it's not just you, I've done this to
other women wanting to stay just friends." Then he
said something rather startling to me, "I WOULD
HAVE DONE IT WITH MY EX-WIFE TOO IF SHE HAD NOT
PURSUED ME SO MUCH."
Once he told me that the last 2 relationships he
was in, THEY pursued him, he did not pursue them.
Is this a commitment problem? I thought perhaps he
was just gun-shy, but are there deeper commitment
issues? Everyone knows men like to be the pursuer,
but it sounds the opposite with him?
Despite all this, I still feel as if he cares
more than he is saying, or am I just crazy? I can't
believe he just thinks of me "as a friend" when
he's hung around me all these months? Do I have any
hope of bringing him around? Any light you can shed
on this man would be helpful!
...or, should I say, "Hello, Ms. 'Mixed
I don't know where to begin here. If HE had
written to me instead of YOU, I'd have warned him
to avoid you like the plague! Your behavior is
classic "Attention Whore" activity!
It's blatantly obvious to me that:
1) You don't really understand men;
2) You want only what you want, only in the way
you want it; and,
3) You think he's got to do all the work, and
read your mind to make sure he does everything in
just the right way.
I'm sorry if this seems brutal, but read on.
First, you need to understand the differences
between how men and women view sex. You (as with
most women) use sex to create intimacy and bonding.
Men on the other hand use sex (initially) to
determine IF THEY WANT to create intimacy and
bonding! You went as far as to actually get into
bed with him - the message being, "I'm interested
in you and want to see if you are someone I want to
have more with - let's have sex". Then, as soon as
he reciprocated, you slammed him! How do you think
he should feel?
Second, men don't necessarily want to be the
"aggressors" in the relationship all the time.
Women expect us to be so. Women don't approach men
they are interested. Instead, they get "frustrated"
when we don't read their minds and the very subtle
signals they send out. Another example from your
story: you angrily emailed him to tell him that you
weren't interested in casual sex. Fine. Did you
bother to tell him what you WERE interested in?
And, I'm not talking about some inferred message -
I'm saying "specifically".
Third, men communicate very differently from
women. You've tried to send hints to him that you
were interested in something more. Men don't read
hints very well. In fact, many men don't read hints
at all! You've got to be clear and specific in all
your messages, or accept the fact that men aren't
going to get them or are going to misinterpret
them. That isn't my rule - it's just the way it
Especially with this man who is "gun shy"
because of his divorce, and now with your game
playing, is it any wonder he doesn't make any
substantive moves? The few he has made have been
met with you pulling back! I'm not giving him
leeway to make his mistakes either, but if you are
sending messages that aren't absolutely clear and
specific, you have no right to be angry or
frustrated by his lack of response!
If you are at all interested in this man, you'd
better get your head on straight about this. Go
back and look at your own actions. Try to be clear
to yourself of what you want, and then try to
communicate that to him.
For example, why not call him at work and ask
him to meet you for a drink? (No - there's NOTHING
wrong with a woman inviting a man for a drink!)
Then, when you're together simply say something
"Look, we've been playing with each other for
awhile now, and we're not getting anywhere. I
realize that I've been part of this too and want to
try to clear up my position. I'm interested in you
as more than a 'happy hour' buddy. But, I'm not
ready to just jump in the sack either. Why don't we
go out on a few dates, get to know each other and
see where it goes from there?"
The risk here is very low. Further, if he
chooses to not accept your invitation (VERY
unlikely!), you'll know just where he stands.
Good luck, much love...
How Can I Get Him Off
I have met what I believe to be the perfect guy
for me. I met this guy that is everything I want in
a man. The trouble is, he does not want a
girlfriend or a relationship at this time.
He's been out of his long-term relationship for
2 years now and says he has put this wall around
him that does not allow women in. We go places
together, have a great time, and have sex together,
(which he calls "Great Sex"), but he's not
interested in having a girlfriend. He says he's
been down that road.
I don't really want to hear that I need to look
elsewhere because I have and there just isn't
anyone remotely interesting to me like this guy is.
We clicked right away. He says I'm very
independent, he says I'll probably go back to one
of my ex's (they do call and I tell him that) but I
don't want to go back to any of them - I want
He says if what I want is a relationship instead
of a friendship, I'll be waiting for quite a long
time. He makes comments like "I need to find me a
woman with money" (which I have...I make more than
he does), and, "Sex is just sex it's not all it's
cracked up to be, there's more to a relationship
than sex." He said that after I made the comment
that I don't sleep with my 'friends'. He even said
we don't have to have sex anymore if it bothered me
not being his 'girlfriend' and we actually did
slept together without sex.
My question is: What strategy do I need to get
this guy out from behind these walls he's put
He is pretty much a loner and is very happy that
way. Although he says it gets pretty lonely. He
says he wants to be married again someday, but it's
like he doesn't trust the fact that I wouldn't
leave him. He always says I could have anybody I
wanted because of my looks and my body. What do I
need to do to get him to come around and trust that
we would be great together?
Please give me some solid advice on how to
handle this situation so he and I can end up
together and happy for once in our lives. Please
don't tell me to move on and find someone else,
there's no one out there and I really think this is
the guy for me, he just is blind and afraid to
trust that I'm the one for him.
Thanks for any help and advice you can offer
I have a question for you: if you're really
interested in this guy, why would you tell him that
your ex's keep calling and you continue to carry on
with them? What the hell are you thinking? If
you're trying to make him jealous, your plan is
going to backfire. Personally, I'd NEVER agree to
start seeing someone exclusively if they were still
involved with their ex's. Why would I, (or he) want
Next, you've convinced yourself that there is no
other guy out there for you. Frankly, that's just
ridiculous. There are thousands, maybe even
hundreds of thousands of soul mates out there just
for you. What you're really saying is that you've
given up looking for them to focus on this one guy.
That's fine if that's what you want, but remember -
it's a CHOICE, not a FACT. You have choices
It doesn't sound like he's decided that he
doesn't want a relationship, it sounds like he
doesn't want a relationship with you. He apparently
likes your company and enjoys having sex with you,
but it doesn't sound like he's willing to
You have three options:
1) Accept things as they are without expectation
of something more,
2) Give up and move on, or,
3) Start moving on with the hope that your
actions may spur him into some movement.
The first two are pretty self-explanatory, so
I'll concentrate on the third option.
If you started dating other guys and became less
available to him, you might get him off the fence.
However, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that
this move is risky. You risk losing both his love
and his friendship. On the other hand, you'll have
started getting on with your life and things won't
seem as bleak. Of course, if you choose to do this,
don't throw it in his face, (as with your ex's),
instead, simply become "unexplainably unavailable".
Try to cut your time with him down to once a week
or even once every other week including phone
calls. Be sure to mix it up however, as the point
of this is to let him see that he misses you.
Julie, I have at least a little trouble with
your foundations of assuming that he is the only
guy for you, and that you've looked, etc. Finding
quality people isn't easy for anyone, but to give
up and try to invest everything in only one guy
isn't a good idea.
The bottom line is this: if he doesn't want what
you want, he isn't the right guy for you.
Good luck, much love...
What To Do When You Just
Can't Seem To Let Go
Hi Dr. Neder:
I hope you have some good advice besides telling
me to get over this woman. I'm doing my best on
that (primarily by dating other women), but I
really want this woman back if possible.
Here's the story - it's pretty bizarre:
I was with a woman for a number years. It was on
again/off again, mostly because she would deal with
problems by breaking up. (I never initiated a break
up). Eventually, she would come back again. She
wanted marriage and children and I admit I was
afraid of marriage. She would get very emotional
and raise her voice; we lost the ability to
communicate about important issues, especially the
topics of marriage and children.
She broke up with me again late last year. I was
told she was very upset, crying all the time. I
assumed she'd be back like always. Wrong - she met
a guy, got engaged 3 weeks later, and married 3
months after that. The man she married was also on
the rebound and it's an obvious case of two lonely
people consoling each other. They are very
incompatible; he's not her (or my) equal in any
way. It's pretty certain she married him to get a
family, to not feel lonely after breaking up with
me and to show me something -- not out of real
love. It's almost certain they will eventually
I've overcome my fear of marriage, and even
proposed to her to marry me before they married. As
I said, she is stubborn and even though it's pretty
certain to everyone she still loves me (and has
implied she "feels sorry for him"), she would
rather die than admit she made a mistake and rushed
I love the woman dearly and, though would not
break up her marriage if it were a better situation
for her. I really want her back in my life if
possible. Obviously, sitting and waiting for them
to divorce is not a healthy approach. Can you give
me any suggestions other than just trying to forget
I'm not going to lie to you just because you've
asked - you deserve better than that. Get over her.
Yes, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but
it's the right advice. I also understand that
you're still in love with her, and maybe this is
the key to your freedom from her. I'm sorry, but
this woman sounds like a real nut case. Suffice it
to say that, while crazy women are the best sex
you'll ever have, they will cause you nothing but
You've been doing the right thing by dating
other women. I just hope that you're not spending
your time with them telling them all about this
woman. They don't want to hear that. You might find
that focusing on volumes of women will help you get
over one. After all, having a supermarket to choose
from will make a single brand much less
Ok, so on to the "key". Again, you're going to
have to get over her. Get out of her life, and get
her out of yours. If you have any property of hers,
give it back - ever single bit. If she has anything
of yours, get it back. No more telephone calls,
letters, birthday cards, email, or anything else.
You've got to wash your hands of her completely.
After all, you wouldn't cut off a dog's tail piece
by piece would you? Of course not - you'd do it all
Next, spend one session (no more than 30
minutes) considering what it is about this woman
that has a hold on you. Is it the sex? Is it her
looks? Just what is it exactly. Write this down on
a piece of paper - you're going to need it later.
Be short and specific - no more than a
One final tip that will help: carry a rubber
band with you. Huh? A rubber band - why? Here's
why: You need to stop the patterns that are making
you want her. These patterns continue to get
reinforced every time you think about her with
someone else. She isn't going to leave him for you
- and if she does, you'd better run! So, every time
you slip back into thinking about her, take that
rubber band between your thumb and first finger,
place it against your thigh, pull it back and give
yourself a nice pop with it.
Does this sound stupid? Believe me - it works.
What you're trying to do here is to associate the
thoughts of her with a negative stimulus - in this
case the stinging on your leg. Be consistent -
don't stop until you stop thinking about her.
The final step is the paper. You should use this
as the beginning of a letter to yourself. Instead
of being a sad remembrance of her, it will now
become the basis for your new goal - that of
finding someone new. You should spend a few days
and describe the exact woman you want to find.
Describe her in detail and don't cut corners. There
is something magical that happens when you commit
this to paper. Describe her looks, her height, her
political affiliation, her likes and dislikes, her
family, where does she come from, what does she eat
for breakfast, lunch and dinner, how intelligent is
she, what does she read, etc., etc., etc. Remember
to keep that rubber band handy - if you fall back
to thinking of the previous woman, you know what to
My brother, you're going to have to move on with
your life and accept that she is doing the same. Be
thankful for the things you've learned in your
association with her and find someone else that
you'll love even more - and that is less crazy.
The Big "O"
I'm a woman, wondering about having an orgasm. How
do you actually know if you're having one? How do
you know if you're at your climax point of being
stimulated if you've never had one before? When do
you know you can't go any higher?
Thanks for all your help.
As I'm sure you probably know, there are many
women that have never had an orgasm. It seems
unfair to me that some women can climax many, many
times, and others have never had a single one!
The climax is actually an important
physiological function! It helps to stimulate the
nervous system and actually opens up communication
channels within the body. It causes hormone
production; it relieves stress and actually reduces
pain due to its endorphin-releasing effect. In
short the orgasm is very important!
So, how do you know if you've ever cum? If
you're not sure, you probably haven't. It's not
that you can pinpoint very specific sensations or
feelings as different women often report different
things. Some say that their climaxes are huge
physical and emotional explosions and others say
that they feel like electric waves washing through
their bodies. Still others say it is just a
"profound sense of well-being". It's no wonder
there is such confusion about the female
The first question to ask is: do you masturbate?
Almost everyone does and it's an important aspect
to a person's sexuality, but a few women (and even
fewer men) don't. That is a big mistake because if
you don't understand your own sexual response, how
will anyone else? Further, how will you learn to
communicate to someone what you need to reach
climax, and when you've actually done it? Let's
face it, there isn't a big red flag on your ass
that goes up when you cum! So, if you don't
masturbate yet, that's the first place to start. I
won't go into all of the technique or issues around
masturbating here as it's outside your particular
Next, if you do masturbate, what do you get from
it? Is it just a sense of relief or relaxation, or
is it a private place where you can explore
fantasies? This is another critical key to
understanding your own sexual response. Fantasies
are rich and powerful ways to understand yourself.
They have no other equal.
As far as being able to "turn it up" - that is,
to increase the sensation and benefit of an orgasm,
you first have to understand what in yourself
produces them. You see, even when you're with a
partner, your orgasm is something YOU create - not
that someone else gives you! Once you understand
this, and when you learn to manage your own sexual
response, then you can begin to explore what things
make them grow.
Many women find that vocalizing helps to improve
their orgasms. Others find that breathing, (or not
breathing!) makes it better. Some find that certain
positions stimulate them in ways that produces
better orgasms, or that certain kinds of sex (like
oral sex) makes it work. Still others find that
certain kinds of muscular tension improve the
sensation. Every woman is different!
I actually have been with women that were
non-orgasmic when I met them and became easily
orgasmic once they began to understand their own
sexual responses. I'm not bragging here - these
women did this themselves - I only provided a
loving, caring, accepting environment in which they
could explore these things without guilt! Some of
these women can even climax at will - just from
being hugged or kissed for instance!
So, you have everything in you right now to take
your own sexuality anywhere you want it to go. All
you have to do is to open yourself up to the
possibilities and start to discover what about you
makes you go "Ohhhhhh!"
Is It Better to Give or
Dear Dr. Neder,
I have a question regarding the exchange of a
phone number after meeting a female. In my way of
thinking, my mother taught me it is better to give
than to receive. Because of this I have a habit of
giving my number to the female rather then asking
for hers. The disadvantage to that is obvious; it
puts her on control. She may never call, and
there's nothing you can do about it. I thought
about it for a minute then though and I said, "but
if she calls then you know she has a genuine
interest in you."
Do women prefer to give their number opposed to
receiving a number? Or is there a difference either
way? Traditionally I suppose the man calls the
woman, but I've never been much of a
Thank you for your help!
Did your mother also tell you that it was better
to remain celibate than to actually have a sex
life? Well, that's what giving your number to women
is going to lead to!
The fact is that women won't call you back!
There are a number of reasons behind this, but the
fact remains despite the reasons. Women know it's
YOUR job to call THEM, not the other way around. So
much for equality, eh?
I was my doctor's office the other day and was
chatting up his receptionist. She had just finished
checking her messages on her cell phone and was
visibly excited because some guy she had met a few
days before left her a message. So, I asked her,
"Are you going to call him back?" She said, "Oh no!
I never call guys back!" So I then said, "But you
obviously seem interested in him, why wouldn't you
call back someone you want to see again?" She
replied, "Because then he'd know I was interested
See what's happening here? She's really
interested in this guy, but wants to keep him off
balance and thus won't call him - she expects him
to do all the work!
What you're doing is trying to avoid rejection,
and frankly it's a good way to accomplish that
goal. However, it's a very bad way to actually meet
women and get dates. You're going to have to decide
which is more important: your fear of rejection, or
your need for companionship, love and sex.
My "Friend" Wants
Hey Doctor, maybe you can help me with what is
probably a classic problem.
I've been friends with a girl in my university
program for 3 years now, and while I was on
studying abroad this past semester, she emailed me
and said she wanted 'to give us a try' as a couple.
She said she felt she didn't want to miss this
opportunity. I had just started my exchange
semester, and I didn't even want to think about
it...firstly because I had met so many beautiful
women so far on the trip, and secondly, because
this girl was sooooo far away and I wouldn't even
see her for another few months.
So I wrote back telling her that I was working
out a lot of things in my life on this trip and
although her suggestion was not a total shock, I
could not start a relationship at the time under
those circumstances. She wrote back and agreed that
it was rather impulsive and that she supported what
I was doing.
Now that I have returned home, I can't stop
thinking about it. She is a very special girl. She
has a lot of the attributes I look for...in fact,
there was a time in our first year when I may have
been interested, that is, before we became
Now, I don't know what to do. Should I risk the
friendship? I already feel awkward around her,
because I know how she feels. She had been bottling
those feelings up for a while. We have not spoken
of the email face to face...I don't think that
would be a good idea either because it would not
serve a purpose unless I was asking her out or
What I want to know from you is that IF I decide
to ask her out, how should I do it? Should I expect
a 'YES'. Is it quite possible that she would say
'No'? Does it matter? I'm already at an advantage
in a way, but would she feel disadvantaged if I
asked her out because I already know she likes me.
The way I figure it, I should take it from a 'fresh
start' point of view; pretend that she never sent
that email. That way, if she says no, I won't be
confused and it would make her feel like she could
say no if she wanted.
What do you think? What complicates this issue
is the number of common friends we have - people
talk, which makes life harder since we all study
together and are all going into our final year.
It's almost a given - as soon as a guy gets
scarce, that "friend" he's been wanting to turn
into something else finally gets the clue and does
it first! I just wish guys would believe this, as
your example (and tons of others show!)
You've asked if you should "risk the
friendship", and obviously, I can't answer that
specifically for you because I don't know what the
"friendship" means to anyone involved, However,
that said, if you move ahead with something more
with her, the friendship will absolutely be over.
There's no changing that fact. But then, so what?
If all you're looking for is friendships and not
relationships, do nothing.
You'll have to decide if you DO want something
more, and if you want something more with this
woman or not. If so, here's what you do next.
First, when you're alone with her, tell her to
clear her Saturday night - don't ask her, just tell
her - and say you'll pick her up at 7 pm (or
whenever). Next, show up with a different attitude.
This is now a date. When you pick her up, kiss her
right then and there. Not only will this set the
tone of the evening, but it will really throw her
off balance - something she'll actually appreciate.
If you need some tips on this, here's an article
that will help: www.beingaman.com/the_opening_kiss.htm
During your date, go out, have fun, but don't go
to the movies or a concert. You need some "face
time" with her. You want to be romantic and close,
but turn the conversation around to talk about how
she sees a possible relationship with you. Ask her
to describe it. It will be somewhat uncomfortable
at first - that's normal, but don't leave things up
in the air if you really want something with her.
You're just trying to determine if you and she want
the same things. By the way, making this a romantic
date is a critical step - I call this "getting her
into state", so that she can see, feel, hear, taste
and smell what it would be like.
Finally, after you've talked about it, don't
hesitate to discuss what you want to do with your
friends! They are her friends too, and if you think
they may not be conducive to building your
relationship - especially early on - agree to hide
it until it is something more solid.
My ex-boyfriend and I have been going together
ever since January of 1996 and just last March he
broke up with me. I just can't figure out why we
broke up. I can honestly say that he is my true
Throughout the years we have broken up like
three times. I mean it was like we broke up today
and get back together a day or week later, but this
time was different. He doesn't want me to call or
write him or any contact whatsoever. The only
reason that comes to mind why he had broken up with
me is probably because I didn't have sex with him
when he had wanted it.
I told him that I didn't want to and he had
asked me why. I simply said, "I had my reasons". He
didn't say anything for a while and then like about
few minutes later he had asked me again, but I
still told him no. Later, he decided to end things
with me. I had asked him why and he said that he
"...had his reasons". I still want to be with him.
What can I do in order to get him back? I am in
love with him and everyday that goes by I think of
him. Please help me!
The phrase, "I have my reasons" is just blatant
manipulation, pure and simple. I don't blame him
for not wanting to put up with that game. I
wouldn't either. If you or any woman had ever tried
to pull that on me, I'd be out the door and into
some other woman's bed faster than you could say it
a second time!
My question to you is why play that game in the
first place? And, don't tell me that it's ok
because he said it back to you. That's just more
game playing. Obviously, you had a sexual
relationship, and now you're changing the rules all
without explaining it to him? Frankly, in my
opinion until you grow up, you don't deserve a
long-term relationship with him or anyone!
If you want to ever get him back, (and frankly,
I'm not sure you can do this now), you need to
correct whatever it is inside of you that would
cause you to do such a thing in the first place.
You see, relationships are built on trust,
closeness, openness and communication. That one
little phrase says, "Well, I'm changing the rules -
I no longer feel compelled to talk to you about how
I feel, or why I feel it." That's absolutely, 100%
wrong headed thinking!
If you choose to no longer have sex with him,
that's your right, but don't expect him to just
live with the situation. He has a say in it too,
and that say is to do exactly what he did - move on
to find someone that meets his needs. Even if you
had a "valid reason", that's no excuse to pull this
Once you get this corrected in yourself, you can
then approach him, apologize and explain why you
did it, and why you now know it was wrong. You owe
him at least that much. If he takes you back, feel
lucky. Frankly, my students, most of the men I know
and me wouldn't - and believe me, it's not about
Love Isn't An Excuse
To Be Abused
I have a dating problem.
I have known this woman for 1 1/2 years, met her
family, care about them, was engaged to her
although she broke it off, and I cant understand
She had known a man for about a year on the net
before she met me, but when he came to town, she
broke off with me, while she gave him $8,000 to fix
a business problem she has. She has seen this man
twice, and now it appears she may see him again,
even though I believe the guy is a crook.
I love her dearly, and have been thru everything
with her, and have loved her unconditionally. She
has been married 3 times, but has always picked
Jerks. She doesn't understand that I'm not like
I have a situation developing where I may leave
in 2 days or two weeks and never see her again,
although it will break my heart to do so.
If I understand you correctly, she has been
having a long-distance relationship with this guy
via the Internet and now that he's in town appears
to want more with him.
My brother, I have no idea why you'd tolerate
such disrespect. Oh, that's right, you "love"
What in the hell are you thinking? If she saw
this guy even once, I would have kicked her to the
curb, and just let her rush headlong down that path
to her own destruction. How obvious does it need to
be that this guy is only interested in her money,
not her? He's probably thinking that he might even
get a little pussy out of the deal.
If she's too dumb (even after 3 other failed
marriages) to see this, do you really need a person
like that in your life? If you have the opportunity
to move, I'd say take it. Then, move on and don't
ever look back, while thanking your lucky stars
that you didn't get any further into this train
If you wind up not leaving, and still want to
pursue this relationship, you'd better put your
foot down right now. This is a good time to use an
ultimatum - tell her, "If you ever see this guy
again, give him money, or have any interaction with
him in any way, live, through the Internet or even
by carrier pigeon, you are 100% out of my life. No
exceptions, no excuses."
Please don't sit by while she takes advantage of
your trust. That's not "love", that's just
self-abuse. You deserve better - MUCH better.
I have a question.
First, little background on me: I am 18-year-old
guy, had a few girlfriends, but none serious. I've
been told by girls that I'm good looking and I
catch girls checking me out almost every time I go
out, but I have a problem that's been getting in
the way of dating for years. I used to stutter when
I was little for quite some time and at times
heavily. Then when I was about 10 years old it
improved greatly, but then my parents moved to US
when I was 11-12 and I started stuttering again,
because I had a second language to learn and it all
got mixed up in my head.
Its not like I cant get out words, but about
once a sentence I just cant get the first letter
out for a sec or two and end up sounding
I was wondering if you could give me ANY tips on
how to make my speech fluent.
It's the one thing that's been haunting me for
my whole life and I'd really like to get rid of it
while I'm relatively young. And it's the main
reason I'm not experienced with girls, I'm just
afraid that as soon as I start talking I'll get
stuck and she'll think I'm slow or something...
Anyway, thanks in advance, hope to hear from
First, you need to get rid of that belief that
stuttering makes you sound stupid - nothing could
be further from the truth! A lot of people stutter,
and have all sorts of other speech impediments that
don't reflect at all on them personally - including
One of the best tricks I've ever heard of to
deal with stuttering comes from music. Have you
never noticed that some singers stutter, but when
they sing, they don't stutter at all? The reason
why is that their brains "hear" the music before
they say a single word.
If you slow down just a little and hear yourself
say the sentence before you say actually say it,
you'll find that you reduce the stuttering
dramatically. This can be difficult to do when
you're talking to a little honey, so you want to
practice it now and get used to doing it.
What's even better is that by using this
technique, you'll actually appear to be
contemplating your response, and will actually look
Where To Look To Find
Dear Dr. Dennis:
I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and
I just recently broke up with her because her
cousin told me that she was cheating on me with at
least three other guys. Let me tell you about the
relationship before we broke up.
For most of it, everything was going really
good. We both loved each other and spent a lot of
time together. We would talk every night and see
each other at least 4 days a week. Though the time
however, I caught her in a number of lies that she
had no answer for. I had a feeling that she was
cheating on me but I had no real proof so I
couldn't really do anything about it.
One day all of a sudden she wanted to take "a
break" not to see other people she said, but just
to think if she really wanted to be with me. I was
so shocked and hurt by this but I agreed to it and
left her alone to think about our relationship and
if she wants to continue it.
Then of Valentine's Day we went out and she told
me that she missed me and loved me and wanted to
continue our relationship, so we got back together.
Then a little less then a month later she wanted to
take another break. She said her reason was that
she still wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me
This was killing me and I didn't know what to do
because I loved her so much and was really hurt by
this. So about a week after that she called me, (we
were still emailing each other every day throughout
the break) and told me that she misses me like
crazy and real wanted to see me. I went to see her
and as soon as she saw me she just started crying.
She told me that she loves me with all her heart
and wanted to live with me, marry me, and have my
We talked about stuff like this before but I
didn't think she still felt like this so it felt
really good to hear those words come out of here
mouth again. The next day we talked and she told me
again everything that she told me the night before
so I knew she really meant it but she still wasn't
sure if she wanted to be with me right now. Again I
was really hurt because I wanted things to just go
back to normal. We continued to email each other
everyday and tell each other how much we loved each
other and wanted to be together.
Then, one day her cousin called me. Her cousin
and I had a good friendship, so it wasn't unusual
for her to call and check in. When she called I
told her that her cousin and I weren't together any
more, but that I loved her and wanted to be with
her. Then she dropped a bomb. She told me that I
should ask her cousin what a "break" meant to her
because my girlfriends was out seeing other
Then, she told me that my girlfriend even was
seeing people while we were still together, and
that she had felt very bad for me! She said that
she knew of at least three other guys she had been
sleeping with and one of them was her ex.
Hearing this broke my heart and I confronted my
girlfriend. She confirmed what her cousin had said
and then broke out into tears, telling me that she
really loved me. It broke my heart to see her cry
like that but she left me no other choice than to
break up with her.
My problem is that I'm still in love with her
and want to get back with her and she has told me
that she still loves me and regrets ever going on
these "breaks" and wanted to get back with me too.
I talked to her cousin again and she told me that
she's still having sex with one of the guys and
that she doesn't know if my girlfriend could be
faithful to me.
My question to you is that I really want to get
back with her even though she cheated on me cause I
still love her with all my heart so I don't know if
I should just give it awhile and see what happens
or should I try and get back with her right away?
Right now we aren't talking, (we both decided that
was best for now), but she told me that she wants
me to go with her to her doctors appointment which
happens to be on our 2yrs and 2month anniversary
and that we could talk then.
Please help me decide if I should try and get
back together with her or if should I just move on?
I really love her and miss her so please help
Thank you Dr. Dennis!
Holy shit! You are an absolute pussy! There, you
made me say it; I hope you're happy!
My brother, why in the hell would you put up
with this from her or any woman? She's out whoring
around with other guys while you and she are
together, or on a "break" or whatever the hell you
want to call it, and you still want to get back
with her? Don't be a jackass!
This woman has absolutely NO respect for you -
let alone any love for you - and I don't care what
she says or promises, she's a lying, using bitch!
Her ACTIONS scream it, even if her words don't!
She's really got the game down too! She can turn on
the tears anytime she wants if she thinks that will
get you to jump off a cliff.
Of course, you just make it very, very easy for
her to do all of this! She walks all over you,
decides when and where these "breaks" happen, and
you just go along with the program like a happy
It's time to go get your balls back from this
woman and put them back in your pants where they
belong. Check her purse, that's probably where
you'll find them. Then, tell her in absolutely
clear, and unambiguous terms that she needs to hit
the streets because she doesn't deserve you!
Whatever you do, DO NOT go to that doctor's
appointment with her either, and DO NOT have sex
with her again! Here's why: she may very well be
going to the doctor to find out if she's pregnant,
and if she is, she's going to claim the baby is
yours! How do I know this? Because you're the
little boy that will do anything for her - even
raise the kid that some other guy gave her, take
care of her, pay all the bills, even watch the kid
while she goes out and finds new saps to bang!
Get the hell out of this right now. Change your
number and even MOVE if you have to! But, do not
agree to see this lying tramp every again, and get
your head on straight brother, you're headed for
nothing but more heartache or even worse - much,
much worse - with this woman!
It's a Game - a Man's
First I'd like to mention that this site
(http://beingaman.com/) is great! Straight and to
the point, and no ads!
I'm a 22-year-old male; I've been single for a
little over 3 months now from a 3-year relationship
and first "intense" or real experience with a
woman. I'm quite happy and comfortable with my new
freedom but hope to eventually find someone
My problem is basically that I'm not the type of
guy who goes the distance to meet women. I bartend
on weekends and see/communicate with many
interesting people but lack the confidence to
actually ignite anything serious. Friends of mine
usually break the ice for me. I am certainly not
shy in general; most female friends of mine say I'm
funny, smart, sexy, easy-going and very cool.
I guess I'm simply afraid of rejection. I
suppose I become shy and retract quickly when I
feel real potential, as if I don't want to spoil a
good thing. The initial stage scares me because it
is such a crucial one. Some of my friends say I
intimidate women before they get to know me but
most of the girls I've dated in the past have
usually perused me and made the leap out of
impatience. I know what I want; yet I need the
security of being chased to avoid being gutsy. I
don't like girls who play games; being 22
unfortunately exposes me to the type of women who
don't care for being friends as well as lovers. How
can I improve and/or have a personal technique,
which would enable me to easily breakthrough the
Thanks for your comments on the site! While we
have to do SOME marketing to pay for the site, in
fact, 100% of it, and the discussion group
is absolutely free! We are dedicated to building a
Your question is actually quite common! Let's
face it, who wants to get rejected? But, you really
have only a few choices here, since it's the guy's
job to do the approaching! Unfair, but who ever
said life was fair?
So, what you need to do is to start working your
odds in a way that improve them. Here's how:
1) Get educated.
Sorry for the sales pitch, but you really should
read, "Being a Man in a Woman's World". Consider
this: the more knowledge you have about women, the
better your odds are going to be. Remember, women
are relationship experts - men are not. Women spend
their entire lives studying this stuff; men spend
very little if any. Further women are intolerant of
men without game. So, key #1 is to get yourself
2) Work the odds.
Most men make the mistake of selecting a single
target and "working" her. That's a very poor
choice! What if she doesn't work out? Then you're
left with nothing. Instead, you should constantly
be "rolling" 3, 4 or even 5 women at a time! You
have a significant advantage here because of your
job. You get to talk to women all the time! Use the
advantages you have to improve your own odds.
3) You've got to ask for what you want.
If you don't ask, you're not going to get
anywhere. Learn, practice, and always ask for the
home number. In fact, when I finally figured this
out years ago, I began asking every woman I met for
her home phone number! I'd even pull up to a light,
see a cute girl, motion for her to roll down her
window and then ask for her number! You'd be
surprised how often I got it! Even now, on occasion
while I'm stuck here in Los Angeles traffic, I'll
see a cutie next to me, and get her cell number!
Then, I call her while we're both stuck and work
You see my brother; this is just a game - and a
fun game at that! You're not going to get ever
number you ask for, nor are you going to get a date
with every woman you call. You're not even going to
sleep with every woman you date. However, if you do
something - anything, your odds are going to be
much better than if you do nothing.
Its Marriage Or
I am a 33-year-old woman who is raising a
9-year-old boy on my own. I moved in with my
36-year-old boyfriend 5 months ago. He made it
clear to me that we would get married after I moved
in. I told him it was very important to me.
Well, since then, he has come up with excuses
and is "just not ready" now. He has been divorced
for a couple years and has 2 small children, 6, and
7. I have lived with men before and I am now ready
to make a commitment to a man and him the same for
me. It would make the relationship more solid and
trusting to me. I am always wondering why is he
afraid? Why doesn't he want to marry me? I am
constantly questioning myself as to why I stay.
After we dated a couple months (1 yr and 5
months now), I asked him if he wanted more
children. He told me he didn't until he met me. Now
he says he is getting a vasectomy. I just recently
went off the pill and he isn't that "careful" for
someone who definitely doesn't want more children.
I have to be careful for my own sake I
What I'm wondering I guess is if this man will
always be afraid of another woman (myself) taking
his money whether it's child support or alimony,
house, etc IF we got divorced? I am not comfortable
living with him with my child without being
married. I know pressuring a man is never going to
work, but I should be able to talk about these
things without making him uncomfortable.
So, what should I do???? I know I should have
never moved in in the first place, but if I move
out to make a point, I don't think my feelings
would be the same. I dont want to be one of
those girls I know that wastes years of my life
waiting on a man to be ready for what I am.
It sounds to me like you've pinned everything in
the relationship on being married. I believe that
is a poor choice! Why aren't you focusing on the
quality of the relationship rather than the format?
Believe me, marriage does not make a relationship
more "secure", and in fact in many more than 1/2
the cases often does just the opposite. If you
already had everything the relationship (and you)
could want, and you both were excited about being
hitched, I'd say you should go for it. These are
obviously not the case in your situation, and to
feel you've "wasted your life" on something that is
not a marriage is unfortunate.
There are many differences between how men and
women view marriage. To women, marriage usually
means future, family, security and even success. To
men, marriage means loss of freedom, loss of
choice, responsibility and having a second partner
to make every decision. What I find curious is that
ANY man wants to be married in the first place!
Here are your options:
1) Decide that the quality of the relationship
is what's important and that you want to make
things work with this man in whatever format you
both can and will feel comfortable.
2) Try to convince him that he has to marry you
either through threats (to leave him for example),
"accidentally" getting pregnant (a bad, BAD choice
- please don't do this - get back on the pill, and
insist he uses condoms - your children deserve
much, MUCH better than this!), or offer some sort
of compromise that he will feel comfortable with
such as a prenuptial agreement where you split your
assets as they rest pre-marriage.
3) Move out and try to find someone with the
same goals you have.
As I've already mentioned, just getting married
for it's own sake isn't a good idea, and he
obviously feels the same way. If you absolutely
have to be married to be happy, I'm sure you can
find someone this weekend that will marry you, but
is that really what you want? Focus on the quality
of the relationship, and only when you have
everything you want (and are sure your partner has
everything he wants), move on to be married.
The "Facial Massage"
[Note: this article refers to an earlier
article on giving a great massage. You can see that
article at: www.beingaman.com/giving_a_great_massage.htm
Hi Dr. Neder,
I am a woman, married 7 years, and was
interested in giving my husband a 'good' massage.
Normally when I try it doesn't work for one reason
or another - it either tickles, is too hard, etc. I
decided to look on the Internet for "how to give a
massage" when I came across your article. Wow!
Finally! Exactly what I was looking for and it did
not take long to find. I am not one to read an
entire article on the monitor but yours was
definitely an exception. Needless to say, I really
I have a question though, and was pleased to see
your note at the bottom of your article saying that
you answering all mail. Great!
Now for my question: I got a massage today and
the therapist concluded with a facial massage. It
put me to sleep. I was wondering if there is
something about the technique that induces sleep,
and if you know and/or could provide the steps (as
you did in your article) to give a facial massage.
I would love for my husband to konk out from a
massage I give. It would be much better than the
normal response of 'just forget it'. Anyhow, if you
do not have this information, that is okay. I just
mainly wanted you to know how much I enjoyed your
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much for your comments on my
article. Massage is such a great way to say, "I
love you" as it's purely for your partner.
Beyond the relaxation, there are a number of
reasons why people fall asleep during massage. It's
important to understand that the muscles actually
create a bunch of chemicals as they do their work -
moving bones around. Many of the chemicals are
actually toxic! That's the reason why drinking
water is so important following a massage. Further,
many of these chemicals can induce a sleepy state
in the person being massaged.
Regarding a facial massage; keep in mind that
there are "rings" of muscle that surround the eyes
and the mouth. Other muscles lie just below and
above the cheeks, and around the head. You can get
to all of these in slow strokes that start at the
corners of the mouth and end at the bottom of the
ears, or that start in the middle of the forehead
and end above the ears.
You want to use the "flats" of your fingers here
- from the tip down to the 2nd knuckle to get the
muscular bands. Try to avoid using the fingertips
on the face as there are nerves that come out from
the bone that are very sensitive to pressure.
Another thing to keep in mind is that the face
is highly "vascular" - that is, there is a lot of
blood flow in the face. This is one of the reasons
why we blush. Because of this, if you spend too
much time working a specific area, you can actually
cause that area to swell. Swelling should always be
considered a bad thing! So, keep moving and don't
focus on any single area.
One other point about pressure: there are three
sets of nerves that come out from small holes in
the bones of the face toward the middle: right
where the eyebrows start (by the bridge of the
nose), right under the outside edge of the nostrils
and directly below the mouth. Too much direct
pressure here causes pain, so avoid these
Also, don't forget the top of the head, around
the back, and the very top of the neck. These
places can take very deep pressure with the
fingertips - and they feel great!
Good luck, much love...
© 2003, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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