Being
a Man
Archive
2003
 

Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer all letters. Write E-Mail for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com

The Big "O"
Communication
The "Friend" That Broke Up A Relationship
Help With Stuttering
How Can I Get Him Off the Fence?
How To Not Be "Clingy"
The "Insider Friend"
Is It Better to Give or Receive?
It's a Game - a Man's Game!
It’s Marriage Or Else!
Love Isn't An Excuse To Be Abused
Manipulation and Game Playing
Massage Revisited: The "Facial Massage"
Musings About More Mixed Messages
My "Friend" Wants More!
Pending Marriage Causes Concern
Ready to Jump In and Ruin Our Future!
The Sexless, Passionless Lifestyle
Testing by Proxy
That Elusive G-Spot!
Time to Kick Your "Inner Child's" Little Ass!
What To Do When You Just Can't Seem To Let Go
Where To Look To Find Your Balls!
Why Doesn't He Want What I Want?

Back 1

Ready to Jump In and Ruin Our Future!


I met my boyfriend on September 24th, 2003, a little over a month ago. From the first night we met we have been inseparable. After only a week I moved in with him. And everything is great and well I know I want to be with him and only him for the rest of my life, but I am 18 turning 19 in December, he is 24 and were both ready to settle down and get married and have KIDS!

We recently had sex and just yesterday I got my period and he got so depressed because he wants to have a baby. I tried to tell him that it's best that we wait until marriage to have kids, we tried to wait on having sex but sleeping in the same bed doesn't help the situation.

Well the question is are we rushing things a little too fast? He's saving every penny to get me a ring; he wants to ask my dad for his blessing and so on. I love him with all my heart I just don't want to rush into marriage so we can have KIDS! I'M ONLY 18 and I work 40 hours a week and go to college 9 hrs a week at night. When would I have time to raise a child right now? I'm just scared and I dont know how to tell him that he's rushing things.

And, how do I tell him NO more sex before marriage? I feel terrible about that. I wanted everything right. I know living with him doesn't sound good, but we couldn't stand to be apart.

Thanks

Hello!

Are you rushing things? How could you possibly NOT be rushing things? You've only known each other since September 24th - only about a month, you moved in together in just a week, you're already engaged and he's ready to start a family - oh, and you're only 18, and 24 respectively?????

What the hell are you thinking??? Further, why aren't your parents trying to help you see all of this?

Let's see if I can look into your future...yes...yes, it's getting clearer, now...I can see something there...Ah! There it is:

You get pregnant; have to give up your school, and likely your job. You both are going to live in a mobile home, (or worse, with one of your parents), and exist on food stamps. He's going to get bored in a few years, realizing that he's given up his own youth for a family and responsibility he wasn't ready for and decide to move on. You are now a single mother of one or more kids. Of course, your own education will have been discarded long ago, and you'll have to go back to work at any old job you can find to make ends meet while you raise your child alone. During this time you become jaded and angry with men and life in general - all because you were in a big rush.

If you really love this guy - and he really loves you back, why are you in such a hurry to just jump in and make all the wrong choices about your life? Doesn't your love deserve some good planning and careful consideration too? You've already made a huge number of really bad choices, isn't it about time you made some good ones? You have your entire life ahead of your to either build something incredible or to totally ruin. Guess which path you're on right now?

You need to have a discussion with your boyfriend and it's not going to be easy - believe me. However, you've taken all the easy choices up until now and not made any of the hard decisions, so this is exactly where you've landed. It's unfortunate, but by your own actions, your choices are limited.

What you need to do is this:

First, confirm to your boyfriend that you love him and are concerned that you make the right choices about your lives together.

Next, explain to him that until you have some of your own life goals under your belt you aren't ready for a marriage and family yet. That will change once you get your goals reached, but until then you're going to be unhappy about giving them up. He needs to understand this and if he loves you and cares about you he will.

Next, move out and get back on your own. Build your savings, finish your education, and get into your career - all while building the right relationship for you both. He needs to do exactly the same thing. This doesn't mean that you have to give up sex with your boyfriend, and in fact, I strongly urge you to NOT do this. Sex is one of the areas that you need to practice between you and he, and if you neglect it, you're going to find that your relationship suffers as well. HOWEVER: USE PROTECTION!!! Every single time - no exceptions. You HAVE to prevent an unwanted pregnancy at all costs! If you get preggers, you future is gone - trust me on this.

That means that you have to get on some form of birth control yourself (see my site for specifics: http://www.beingaman.com/birth_control_options.htm) and you must demand that he uses condoms every single time! "No glove...no love...no exceptions...no excuses!"

Finally, you and he should sit down and chart out your future - don't just rush headlong into it without some planning.

This means that you should decide that after your education is finished and your career is started, you then revisit the idea of being married. During that time you work on and build your relationship - believe me it takes work! If you truly love each other that love isn't going to fade, it's going to get better and better, but the rigors of marriage - especially so soon is going to do the exact opposite to you both.

Make some good decisions about your relationship and your future together, don't just jump into it hoping for the best - this never works!

I understand that at 19, all you see is your 19 years behind you, but in another 19 years, you're going to be 38 - even younger than I am, and you're going to have a very different perspective then. Don't waste those years with bad choices now. You and your boyfriend deserve much, much better. Feel free to share this letter with him if you think it will help.

Best regards...

The Sexless, Passionless Lifestyle


Hi there,

I ran across some articles that you wrote, and found on Remington Publications online and looked at the book, 'Being a Man in a Woman's World.' I have not as yet read your book but I am so interested in it that I am planning to purchase it today.

I am a 24-year-old virgin. I have chosen this for myself because I have not been able to find 'the one' person that is compatible with me as yet. And also then I still plan on waiting till I get married to have sex. Also I do not think that teasing a man is good, or turning him on just to let him down. So I do not engage in kissing, rubbing up on someone ect. My question for you is. When is it a good time to let men know about my ideals? I have been telling them straight up what I'm about. But this has lead to me being single so long. I need advice in this, because I'm confused in how to handle this now.

Secondly I have had only one boyfriend. This was when I was younger about 15-16 years old age. He respected my wishes and me. I was insecure about our relationship. I wondered why he was dating me when there were so many other beautiful women out there. So when a 'friend' told me he was cheating on me I believed her. Needless to say, It was a bad decision on my part. I have not stopped thinking about him. We lost touch when I cane off to college. But I have never stopped thinking about him.

What should I do? Please help me decide.

Hello!

Since you've written to me for my opinion, let me offer it: you are wrong, wrong, wrong about all of this! If you ever have another boyfriend with that attitude, you'd better consider yourself the luckiest woman on the planet! As to when you should tell someone about this decision, I think it should be within the first paragraph of meeting him!

I don't personally know of any man that would ever allow himself to enter into such a "relationship" and frankly, I often advise men to NOT do so! It is a very unhealthy, risky thing to do. If you've chosen this lifestyle, fine, but please don't expect another human being to "respect" you for it. It's just foolish.

Why do I say this? Simple. You have absolutely NO skills, because you've avoided learning them. What are you going to use to keep your husband "happy" in this fantasy relationship you imagine? Of all the things you need to learn, sexual/physical capability is among the most important! Believe me on this one! I don't know of any guy that is worthwhile that would accept such a ridiculous situation. You may find him, but I've never seen one.

So, you may find some guy that would tolerate a sexless, passionless, premarital relationship with you, but frankly, what are you telling him? Only one thing: he'd better expect a sexless, passionless marriage too. Now, don't write to me telling me that isn't the case, because frankly, you don't know! You don't have any experience to say either way. I have the experiences of my own highly sexual life, along with over 5,700 letters in the last few years!

If this is a religious decision, I strongly urge you to join a convent. This is the only practical way in which I believe you can have what you want. You can completely avoid sex, physicalness, passion, etc., and have a "marriage" with God instead.

Barring that, I think you'd better expect to be alone the rest of your life, but know that at least you stuck by your beliefs. Personally, I wish much, much better for you than this because I think you deserve it.

Best regards...

Communication


Hey Doc:

I'm looking for some advice on this girl I've been seeing. I took her out a couple of weeks ago. We got a bite to eat, played pool, had a few drinks, etc. and had kick ass time. We went back to her place and played around a bit. I stayed over, but had a mutual agreement for no sex the first time. I talked to her about every other night the following week on the phone, both of us making an equal effort to call but not be too "needy." We had made plans to go out again the following Saturday but settled for a Sunday movie because she ended up traveling for the holiday weekend.

Sunday went pretty good and I went back to her place to watch TV for a bit. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but when we started playing around, she wouldn't slip me the tongue like I expected. I wasn't trying to get laid by any means, but it would have been nice to make out a bit.

Do I just need to relax and act like it's no biggie? We're going out again Friday, probably dinner and a few drinks or live music. I could use some advice so I don't do something dumb and "drop the ball."

Help!

Hello!

What you have here is an issue of communication.

In my new book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II", I talk about both of these topics: learning to understand what she means by what she says, and the art of sexual conversion - moving a date from a friendly, fun time into the bedroom.

Let's deal with the communication issue.

It probably wasn't YOU that decided that you wouldn't sleep together on the first date, it was likely SHE that decided this and you simply agreed. Ok, fine if that's what you wanted. This usually is excused away by saying that you want something long-term with her and that's why you would be willing to wait. In fact, there is no such rule anywhere in the Universe! I get letters all the time from people that slept together on their first dates and stayed together or even got married.

How early you choose to sleep with someone has no bearing on the longevity of the relationship. This is instead a way for a woman to prevent you (she believes) from "not respecting her", or from thinking she's too easy. Of course us guys know that this is ridiculous. It's a "woman thing".

When you agreed to not sleep together on the first date (even though you both were obviously ready), there was something that you missed. It was a implication that YOU (as the man) had to do the sexual conversion during a subsequent date! Yes, I know that wasn't said, but in her mind, she believed she implied it! Remember, she doesn't want to come off as too easy, and if she let's you make all the moves, she's safe!

Thus, you'll have to decide when you're ready to convert, and when you're ready, to make the moves.

Time to Kick Your "Inner Child's" Little Ass!


Dear reader:

This week's article is a departure from my usual format where I answer a reader's specific question. This is my response to a reader that has written a number of times to tell me all about his failures with a certain woman, and women in general.

My first response was to direct him to get his education with women corrected. He then began sending all the reasons why he just couldn't reach his goals and why education wouldn't work for him.

I think that sometimes we all need a little kick in the ass to get back on track.

-DWN

Hey Brother!

Let's get past the bullshit here. You've written to me now a few times to tell me what a failure you are and why you just can't reach your goals with women. There is only one reason why any of this is true: it's your attitude. You've allowed yourself the luxury of being a failure so that you can feel sorry for yourself and hope that others will too. I don't work this way. In fact, you've taken the pussy's way out.

Now, don't write to me again telling me all the failures you've had in your life as though that's a reason why you can't succeed. That's just crap - a total cop-out, and an absolving of your responsibilities to yourself. The fact is you can succeed with this woman - or any other if you just decide you want to. But that means you're going to have to bite the bullet and get educated. You're going to have to accept responsibility for your success - and your failure, because believe me: it's only YOU that causes either. You might be "special" and "unique" but you aren't so special or unique that you can fail every single time - unless YOU set yourself up for it. Believe me, I see this happen every single day for guys much worse off than you - they cut the crap, grow up and start winning.

It's tough to be successful, but it's by far tougher to be a failure - especially when you finally realize that either is entirely up to you. Nobody outside of yourself has anything to do with this. YOU make the decisions to avoid education. YOU put yourself out there without help to get tromped on, and YOU revel in the pain YOU cause YOURSELF. But then, it's also YOU that has to decide YOU'VE had enough and are going to move past this.

Don't write to me again with your perceived failures. I'm not going to nurture that inner child of yours. Instead, I'm going to kick its little ass. Start your growth plan TODAY. Get a copy of my book and READ the damn thing! Do the exercises and start yourself on the road you really want - one of success with women. THEN we'll have something worthwhile to write about. Who knows, maybe I'll even put your story in my next book - but only if YOU do the work first!

Best regards...

 

The "Insider Friend"


Dr. Neder,

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 weeks now and we've had a few problems. We've worked most of them out, but there's one that just won't go away. There's this guy that has some attention issues (he's desperate for attention) and he's spending time with her, which pisses me off because I know what he feels about her.

Now, about a month ago my girlfriend asked me not to talk to this chick that she absolutely hates and so I said ok because I knew it made her very uncomfortable and I respect her feelings. Well, this guy makes me feel very uncomfortable when he's around her (which is more than when I'm with her because he's a bastard and it's bugging the crap out of me) and so I told her how I felt.

It's not that I didn't want them to stop talking, it's just they've spent more time then my girlfriend and I have. So I told her that I totally stopped talking to this chick because it made her feel uncomfortable and she gave me this line of bullshit, "You can't even compare them two!" I was simply telling her what made me uncomfortable and that she should respect that.

He's still being a bastard and I'm not sure if I should pull the plug or if there's some way to get this guy to spend less time with her and more time with his mother. So, if you could please help, I would greatly appreciate it, since you are the master of dating and relationships (and I'm being serious. I've read some of your stuff and it's awesome.) Just a little bit of advice please.

Hello!

You have an absolute right to not have your relationship with your girlfriend impacted by someone else. Unless your girlfriend is a psychologist, she can't help this guy and is foolish for trying. The guy is trying to "work it from the inside" by spending time with her and being her "friend". To your advantage however, very few women will ever date such a "friend" and you're probably safe, but that isn't the issue. Your girlfriend owes you and your relationship the respect it deserves.

I'd suggest this:

First, tell her that you are tired of the situation and this guy just wants to bang her. She'll deny it (women always do!) so you'll say, "Ok, let's give him a call, and you ask him if he'd sleep with you if he could." This should wake her up even without making the phone call!

Next, tell her that she has to make a choice. She's no counselor and can't help this jackass. He needs to seek that help elsewhere and she's just preventing him from doing so - a very cruel and selfish thing. Further, it's affecting your feelings for her. Either she gets her head straight about your relationship, or you're moving on so fast it will make it (her head) spin! No options.

Stop calling her if she does not absolutely agree with this 100% and act on it immediately. In fact, hand her the phone and let her get started with the correction that very minute.

My brother, you deserve the respect she owes you - just like you've given her. This isn't about balance - whether your giving up your friend for her was more or less than her doing the same for you - it was purely about respect for you and the relationship. Don't let her turn it into anything else.

Best regards...

Testing by Proxy


Dear Dr. Neder,

I have bought your book and enjoyed it greatly. I've always done well with the ladies and reading your book had taught me another trick or 10. I'm also of the though that it's a good idea to get other points of view and so I subscribe to a couple of other dating newsletters and the likes, but you're information has been the foundation for anything else that I read to work though.

In any case I have this question. I was in a long-term relationship with a very cute girl with one hell of a temper. She was a brat and I told her so on many occasions. I don't consider myself weak by any means so this was not the problem and I certainly passed all the "Tests" that were attempted on me. Long story short, enough was enough and my 2-year relationship ended on a very good and positive note. I know that sounds strange, but my Ex and I were always better suited to being buddies than anything else, it just so happens that it took us 2 years to figure it out. The sex was amazing and that alone was the glue that kept us together for such a long period.

It has now been two years since my ex and I have stopped being a couple and it's been about 1.5 years of honest to goodness friendship. Everything was fine until recently that is. You see, I have noticed that she is trying to "Test" me once again on certain small things. It's not very apparent but I'm pretty sure that this is what's happening.

The actual question I have is why are these tests happening. My Ex (now my friend) and her boyfriend are both people I consider my friends, she's more of a personal friend than he is but that's beside the point. They also seem to be happy and have been together for a year. He treats her differently from what she was used to with me. He gives into her demands and wishes every time; he apologizes for things that he doesn't need to apologize for etc. He exemplifies "wuss" behavior. I'm sure that you can guess that I didn't let her get away with walking all over me, when she asked me to do something, I would say no and if I thought it would be a nice thing to do I would do it but only when I decided to. I didn't burry her in compliments, in fact I gave very few. I busted on her a lot for silly things she did, etc. etc. etc.

As far as the tests are concerned, these days she has gone into old patterns in testing me by breaking a date. Nowadays they obviously aren't dates but just get-togethers. She tries to upset me to see my reactions on the silliest of topics. Basically every single "Feminine Test" on the "Books" she has been trying on me lately and I can't stress enough that this is something that has only manifested itself in the past two months.

I think I've just answered my own question but is it possible that she's trying to get back together with me? Also, if she is trying to get back with me then why does she want to get back together when we both agreed that we were like oil and water and parted literally as pals?

Thanks for all you do for us guys,

Hello!

First, congratulations on your success, and your obvious work on your own education! (Your diploma is in the mail!)

This is a very interesting phenomenon that I've seen a number of times with others and in my own life. The key elements are (1) you had a good sexual relationship; (2) that you are still friends; (3) that she is with a wussy guy now, and (4) that you passed her tests regularly.

What I think is actually going on is that she's "filling in the gaps" for her current boyfriend through your friendship, and is effectively testing you because he's failing! I've even come up with a term for this, "Testing by Proxy". In effect, she's getting her sex, companionship, support and maybe even love from her boyfriend, but she's still missing that masculine sense which she gets from you!

Interestingly, if you were to break up the friendship, two things would happen. First, she's probably break up with her boyfriend soon afterward. The reason for this is that she'd realize he wasn't giving her what she needed from him. That masculine part that she craves was coming from you!

The second thing that would happen is that she's start being attracted to you again. This need for the masculine counterpart in women is very strong. When women are with (or even around) men that can pass their Tests, they feel as through they can relax and be the feminine woman they imagine themselves to be. I've had many women actually tell me this!

If you ever wanted to start a sexual relationship with her again, this would be the exact way to go about it - break up your friendship first. In your case however, the downside to it is that you and she don't otherwise fit. You might consider a "friends with privileges" relationship if the sex was worth it, but then, I'm sure you already know how I feel about female friends.

Best regards...

How To Not Be "Clingy"


Hey Dennis,

What chemicals (or emotions) in your body cause you to naturally become clingy when you have sex with a woman or be with a woman, especially with one you like?

Now, I am full aware of the dangers of becoming clingy and attached and I've always been able to keep my emotions under control. I've been with several women but I recently met one I REALLY like and would consider keeping around for the long term. She is very unselfish, sexual, fun, exciting to be around, very physical, funny, beautiful, she is always looking to make me happy and get my approval, and she has confessed to liking me a lot and wanting to be with me and like I said, we've already had sex. She even introduced me to her family and she met mine as well. That type of woman is rare, as you know. But that's also why I continue talking to multiple women at the same time to keep from becoming "hooked" on any one woman and I am following "Being A Man..." to my utmost ability to make sure she DOES stay around for awhile.

I can't understand what causes you to have the urge to be clingy. She Tested me tonight by saying she was going to call but didn't. She claims to have "family" problems and that's why she cancelled our date, (but she DID give me 24 hours notice.) When I talk to her again, I'll be SURE to call her on it. She said, "I hope you're not mad I had to break our date" and I said: "No, not if you make it up to me".

So what is it that causes you to have the natural urge to become "attached" to certain women? And second, is there anything else you would like to add to "Being A Man..." to further help me pass this test with flying colors?

Thank you Doctor!

Hey Brother!

Actually, there are a number of chemicals that are at play, but I don't think you're asking for a biochemistry lesson here. In fact, the reason that people feel clingy tends to stem from insecurity more than anything else.

When a person is in love, they love what and who the other person is. That love exists whether the person is next to you or not! So love doesn't make you feel that way. Jealousy, insecurity, neediness and fear are the main emotions that cause that clingy-feeling.

If you're afraid of losing her you might want to hold on tighter, but as you already know, that just pushes her away even farther. The real trick is to know that you have options (as does she), and that you want to manage these options while you let her prove to you that she's someone that deserves you exclusively.

With this woman, everything sounds good so far. If you think you want her around for a while, start pruning the tree by getting rid of the 4's, 3's and eventually any 2's you have hanging around. I don't recommend that you do it all at once however. You want to ease your way into an LTR here because an abrupt change may be too obvious and actually might scare her away! After all, she's on the chase now, right where she wants to be.

Best regards...

The "Friend" That Broke Up A Relationship


Hi!

I'm 24 and I just recently had a bad breakup with a guy that I've been with for 3 years. The reason why we broke up is because he thinks I cheated on him, but I didn't!

The story is; I was talking to a male friend on the phone at his house (because I live with him) and he overheard everything that I said to my friend. The conversation was a sexual conversation, but I was just fooling around!

My ex-boyfriend doesn't believe me, and he thinks that I cheated with this guy because of the conversation. I can understand that he's pissed off. But, he doesn't want to talk to me or see me anymore he's telling all his friends that he's going to just forget about me.

I'm hurting really badly. What do I do? What do I say to convince him that I didn't cheat I was just fooling around with my friend? I want him back. Everybody makes mistakes and I think I deserve a second chance.

PLEASE HELP! I don't know what to do.

Hello!

First, let's look at what the real mistake is: it's not about the conversation at all, it's about having a male friend that is so close that you feel you can carry on these types of conversations! Let me explain:

You have the "right" (if you want to call it that) to talk to your "friends" about anything you damn well please. However, when you do this you risk harming other things that are important to you. Look at it like this: you have the "right" to drive your car into a bad neighborhood, park it unlocked, with the keys in it too. If it gets stolen, that wasn't "right" but it happened just the same, and now you get to suffer without the car.

Here's why your boyfriend is angry: your male "friend" is just trying to work himself into the action. Men don't choose women as "friends" unless they want something more. That is the way it is and you're going to have to first get yourself fully around that fact. If you even doubt this for one instant, give me his phone number and I'll ask him! But, you don't have to do that, I already know the truth.

Your boyfriend is angry because HE knows this fact too (all men do). By having such friends - and especially by having these kinds of conversations with them - you are just fueling the fire your boyfriend already knows exists.

Now, let's take it the next step: your boyfriend has the right to not have his relationship with you (or any woman) impacted by outsiders, and it's YOUR job to make sure that doesn't happen, just like it's his job to make sure that YOUR relationship with him isn't affected either. You didn't hold up your end of the bargain in his eyes, (he's right, by the way), and that is why he's angry.

Frankly, you've probably destroyed this relationship - maybe beyond repair. If you want to salvage it, you really have only one chance. Here's what you need to do:

1) Go talk to him - not on the phone or via email, but in person.
2) Explain that you now understand why he's angry where you didn't before.
3) Tell him that you are going to stop the "friendship" with this guy - or any that you are so close with and ask him to forgive you.
4) DO IT. Stop choosing your male "friends" over your relationship, and start treating it with the respect it deserves.

You've got to realize that your male friends aren't your "buddies". They want to bang you and work they're way to you from the inside. That's the only reason why they are your "friends". Sorry, that's just the way it is. Either treat your relationships with the respect they deserve, or don't plan to have many good ones.

Best regards...

Why Doesn't He Want What I Want?


I have a dating dilemma and hopefully you can help me.

I have been dating this man on and off for 1 1/2 years. The first 3-4 months of dating was dinner once twice a week, kissing and nothing else. Then I found out that he had a girlfriend. When I told him I knew. He said he wanted to continue seeing me but needed some time to wrap things up with his girlfriend.

He would call and leave me "missing, thinking of you messages" but the dates became less frequent; maybe once or twice a month. We always had a good time but I could not really be 100% myself knowing there was someone else.

He suggested meeting me in another city for a couple of days (due to our travel schedules) but at last minute cancelled. He wanted to reschedule to somewhere else to make it up to me. I first was ok with it, because it takes a awhile to unwind a situation, I then ran out of patience and told him how I felt and that I was getting frustrated waiting for a relationship.

Then I met a co-worker of his at a party, who told me things with the girlfriend had begun to cool down. I told this person, I was glad that I had yet to sleep with him. The next day I got a phone call, from my guy complaining about my conversation with his co-worker. He insisted on coming over.

When he got to my house, he stated he was not mad at me, and started kissing me. I did not say a word and went with it (due to how many times I told him what I wanted and how I felt) we had sex. Afterwards, I've received no phone call or anything. Four weeks went by and I could not take it anymore so I left a message or two letting him know I cant believe I waited this long and was feeling rejected, humiliated etc., etc. He called back once on my voice mail and left a message but didn't try again.

A couple of weeks passed and it was his birthday. I called to wish him a happy birthday but lost my nerve and hung up. He called back. We made a plan to meet for dinner. Over dinner, I asked him why he didn't call, he stated he left my house, happy, smile on his face etc., etc. but that he did not know what the next step was. He also said, I knew he was still involved with his girlfriend. He then told me that he never dated a girl with her act together and it scares him. He them drove me home and I asked to kiss him (he was being pretty passive) we then ended up having sex again.

So again, I waited and there was no phone call. It has been 2 weeks. I then left a couple of messages telling him I can't believe this his happening again. Shame on him the first time, shame on me the second time.

I just don't understand. What's wrong with me, or the vibe I give off to get this type of treatment? Why I don't deserve a call. Why do my words mean nothing?

Can you help clarify this for me?

Hello!

First of all, I think it's a little unfair to be so unhappy with him because he has a girlfriend! Let me explain: women do this all the time. They go from boyfriend to boyfriend something like crossing a stream by jumping from rock to rock. However, women expect men to be completely unencumbered before they pursue someone else. I know this isn't your question, but I raise the issue simply for perspective.

You also seem to put all the pressure on him to call you. Then, when you finally can't take it any more, you call him and blame him for not calling. What's wrong with you calling him in the first place? Just because he doesn't follow your particular script, doesn't mean that he's mistreating you.

There is another problem with this story. You continue to talk about what you and he said, but aren't paying attention to the actions. If he doesn't call you for weeks - or months on end - what exactly is he saying with that behavior? Frankly, that's a much more important clue than anything he says, or his responses to what you say.

You've got to make a decision for yourself and your life. Just what is it that you want? Do you want this kind of relationship where you don't know what's going on with someone, or do you want to be with someone that shows you via his actions that he wants to be with you? I'll bet it's the latter, and if so, you've also answered the question of what do to.

The real key to good relationships is simply to decide what you want up-front. Don't let someone else do that for you. Then, all you have to do is to measure the actions of someone against your goals and see if they fit. If they don't (as this case apparently doesn't), it's time to move on and find a situation that DOES fit.

Best regards...

That Elusive G-Spot!


I have tried everything that I have read, and been told to try when it comes to finding the g-spot. I have even bought toys to use on myself, but have had no luck at all.

I have been told were it is, and that if you feel like you have to pee, then you are doing the right thing, and to just let it go. When I do this the only thing that I get is pee (it's not a pretty picture!) I have even gone pee before hand, and I get the same out come, or lack there of.

Do you have any advice on how I can find my g-spot? I would hate to think that I am going to have to go all my life with out it. Please help me!!!

Thank you!

Hello! 

Don't get all wrapped up in your g-spot! Every woman is different. You might not have the same experience as other women with your own anatomy. Frankly, what's important isn't that you find it - or that you even have one; what's important is that your sexual response is healthy and that you are comfortable with your body!

In most women, the g-spot is a fleshy area about 1-1/2 to 2 inches inside the front wall of your vagina (if you were standing up). You can sometimes find it by inserting a finger inside you while lying on your back and curving it upwards. You may (or may not) find an area that has a slightly different sensation. I've never heard of anyone saying it felt like you had to pee, but again, every woman is different! 

Consider that some women are able to climax in a slightly different way from this type of stimulation. This climax sometimes includes an ejaculation of fluid that isn't urine at all, but is actually mostly water and other materials. I've had women riding me that came so hard they ejaculated and actually soaked the bed and me!

These are all normal physical reactions and if you have them, fine. If not, fine. The key isn't to be like everyone else. It's to be healthy and happy in the way that fits YOU.

Best regards...

Pending Marriage Causes Concern


Hi Doc,

There is the girl at work that I have become very attracted to. In fact, I think it may even be love! I've known her now for about a year.

We even went out for drinks one night only to find out that she has a boyfriend! So, I backed off a little, but we still spend all kinds of time at work talking, being friendly, we've even hugged a few times!

One day, she can in and was visibly depressed, so I asked her what was wrong. She held back, but when I pressed her on it, she told me that she and her boyfriend had a fight. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she thanked me, but declined. I told her that she had my number and she could call if she needed to. The next day, I found a message from her thanking me for my concern and for "helping" her through that rough time.

She never mentions her boyfriend, and from what I've heard, they never do anything together. They just seem to stay home, watch TV, and never go out on the weekends.

What should I do?

Hello!

Ok, let me clear up a couple of points here first:

1) Most all women have "boyfriends" when you first meet them. This is NORMAL. Unlike us guys that end one relationship before moving on to the next one (we are expected to do this from honor!), women move from boyfriend to boyfriend. Think of this like crossing a stream by jumping from rock to rock. Thus, boyfriends should never intimidate you!

2) You are horrifyingly close to being this woman's "friend". If you become her friend, you will NEVER be anything else to her!

3) You need to act immediately to prevent entering the "friend zone".

Here's how you do this:

Invite her out for some drinks, to play pool, etc. In general just to have some INEXPENSIVE fun. Don't take her to an elaborate dinner or anything expensive as you'll look like you're just trying to buy your way into her pants. Also, don't take her to a concert or a movie. You need some "face time" with her. Also, pick her up, don't plan to meet her there.

You want to take her to a place where you can get her talking about herself. Don't regale her with your stories. Your job here is to get her talking, and to establish connection. There are a number of communication tools you can use to do this which are far too extensive to cover in email. I strongly urge you to get a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and study them.

Once you've established connection, you absolutely need to kiss her. This is a critical element and starts everything off. I urge you to not wait until the end of the evening. If you do, you'll be showing that you're a coward not a man. One way to do this is to take a walk and then just stop, spin her around and pull her to you for a deep, passionate kiss. Do this for a minute or two, and then continue on like nothing happened.

Believe me, if you knock her socks off here, she's going to be over her old boyfriend so fast it will make your head spin.

Best regards..

Musings About More Mixed Messages


Hi,

I was reading one of your Internet responses to a relationship question, and hope you can help me with mine.

I met him at a weekly happy hour. We started as just friends but I noticed that he seemed to only want to hang around me at the happy hours. I knew he was not involvement material so recently out of a marriage, so I kept it light. Problem was the more time we hung together (every week) the more attached I became. Then I started kind of being a confidante to him and he shared a lot of his ex-wife stories. Even though we kept it "just friends" I could feel sexual tension between us. We then started flirting some (sexual innuendoes) and I am pretty sure he was attracted to me. We hung out so much at this happy hour group that others in the group asked if we were dating!

After a few months, I started getting frustrated that he never asked me out. I rationalized it by saying he was still raw from his divorce and he had also hinted he wasn't ready to date. One time he said he had "no trust in women" right now. One time he told me that he really didn't like this happy hour group and probably would not come at all if I did not go!

One night I had too much to drink, and he offered to take me to his place he did not want me to drive. He said I could even have my own room. We spent the night in the same bed. He started to make a move but I said no. After that it still seemed fine with him. We picked up as before being just friends. But as soon as we left this happy hour, it was like a wall went up and he never would let it extend beyond the confines of that.

Then 2 months ago, while at the happy hour his friend said something that bothered me. He said, "He is dying to have sex with you and he can't take it!" That upset me. The next day I e-mailed him and said that while I was attracted to him, I could not handle casual sex. I ended it with "don't e-mail me back, I don't want to discuss it more."

After that he stopped coming to the happy hours until last week. It had been 2 months since I last saw him. I could tell he was tense and he avoided eye contact. I stayed away and was talking to another guy most of the night.

As I left that night I ran into him in the parking lot talking to someone. He did not see me, so I tapped him on the shoulder and said "hi". He looked at me with the saddest eyes, and when I started to leave he stopped me and said, "Don't go, stay and talk awhile." First it was chitchat and then he said, "Is this all we are going to talk about!" I said, "I really don't know what to say." He said, "I was upset in that e-mail you sent me not allowing me to e-mail you back. Things have gotten really weird between us."

Well I then lost it and it all came out. I said, "look, I can no longer just do this buddy thing with you I am too attracted to you and I just can't do it anymore!" He said, "I can't go there right now, I just can't do it." He also said, "I can't cross the line with you and right now I only think of you as a friend."

I said, "Is it just me or everyone right now?" He said, "No it's not just you, I've done this to other women wanting to stay just friends." Then he said something rather startling to me, "I WOULD HAVE DONE IT WITH MY EX-WIFE TOO IF SHE HAD NOT PURSUED ME SO MUCH."

Once he told me that the last 2 relationships he was in, THEY pursued him, he did not pursue them. Is this a commitment problem? I thought perhaps he was just gun-shy, but are there deeper commitment issues? Everyone knows men like to be the pursuer, but it sounds the opposite with him?

Despite all this, I still feel as if he cares more than he is saying, or am I just crazy? I can't believe he just thinks of me "as a friend" when he's hung around me all these months? Do I have any hope of bringing him around? Any light you can shed on this man would be helpful!

Thanks, "Confused"

Hello "Confused"!

...or, should I say, "Hello, Ms. 'Mixed Message'"??

I don't know where to begin here. If HE had written to me instead of YOU, I'd have warned him to avoid you like the plague! Your behavior is classic "Attention Whore" activity!

It's blatantly obvious to me that:

1) You don't really understand men;

2) You want only what you want, only in the way you want it; and,

3) You think he's got to do all the work, and read your mind to make sure he does everything in just the right way.

I'm sorry if this seems brutal, but read on.

First, you need to understand the differences between how men and women view sex. You (as with most women) use sex to create intimacy and bonding. Men on the other hand use sex (initially) to determine IF THEY WANT to create intimacy and bonding! You went as far as to actually get into bed with him - the message being, "I'm interested in you and want to see if you are someone I want to have more with - let's have sex". Then, as soon as he reciprocated, you slammed him! How do you think he should feel?

Second, men don't necessarily want to be the "aggressors" in the relationship all the time. Women expect us to be so. Women don't approach men they are interested. Instead, they get "frustrated" when we don't read their minds and the very subtle signals they send out. Another example from your story: you angrily emailed him to tell him that you weren't interested in casual sex. Fine. Did you bother to tell him what you WERE interested in? And, I'm not talking about some inferred message - I'm saying "specifically".

Third, men communicate very differently from women. You've tried to send hints to him that you were interested in something more. Men don't read hints very well. In fact, many men don't read hints at all! You've got to be clear and specific in all your messages, or accept the fact that men aren't going to get them or are going to misinterpret them. That isn't my rule - it's just the way it is.

Especially with this man who is "gun shy" because of his divorce, and now with your game playing, is it any wonder he doesn't make any substantive moves? The few he has made have been met with you pulling back! I'm not giving him leeway to make his mistakes either, but if you are sending messages that aren't absolutely clear and specific, you have no right to be angry or frustrated by his lack of response!

If you are at all interested in this man, you'd better get your head on straight about this. Go back and look at your own actions. Try to be clear to yourself of what you want, and then try to communicate that to him.

For example, why not call him at work and ask him to meet you for a drink? (No - there's NOTHING wrong with a woman inviting a man for a drink!) Then, when you're together simply say something like:

"Look, we've been playing with each other for awhile now, and we're not getting anywhere. I realize that I've been part of this too and want to try to clear up my position. I'm interested in you as more than a 'happy hour' buddy. But, I'm not ready to just jump in the sack either. Why don't we go out on a few dates, get to know each other and see where it goes from there?"

The risk here is very low. Further, if he chooses to not accept your invitation (VERY unlikely!), you'll know just where he stands.

Good luck, much love...

How Can I Get Him Off the Fence?


Hi,

I have met what I believe to be the perfect guy for me. I met this guy that is everything I want in a man. The trouble is, he does not want a girlfriend or a relationship at this time.

He's been out of his long-term relationship for 2 years now and says he has put this wall around him that does not allow women in. We go places together, have a great time, and have sex together, (which he calls "Great Sex"), but he's not interested in having a girlfriend. He says he's been down that road.

I don't really want to hear that I need to look elsewhere because I have and there just isn't anyone remotely interesting to me like this guy is. We clicked right away. He says I'm very independent, he says I'll probably go back to one of my ex's (they do call and I tell him that) but I don't want to go back to any of them - I want him.

He says if what I want is a relationship instead of a friendship, I'll be waiting for quite a long time. He makes comments like "I need to find me a woman with money" (which I have...I make more than he does), and, "Sex is just sex it's not all it's cracked up to be, there's more to a relationship than sex." He said that after I made the comment that I don't sleep with my 'friends'. He even said we don't have to have sex anymore if it bothered me not being his 'girlfriend' and we actually did slept together without sex.

My question is: What strategy do I need to get this guy out from behind these walls he's put around himself?

He is pretty much a loner and is very happy that way. Although he says it gets pretty lonely. He says he wants to be married again someday, but it's like he doesn't trust the fact that I wouldn't leave him. He always says I could have anybody I wanted because of my looks and my body. What do I need to do to get him to come around and trust that we would be great together?

Please give me some solid advice on how to handle this situation so he and I can end up together and happy for once in our lives. Please don't tell me to move on and find someone else, there's no one out there and I really think this is the guy for me, he just is blind and afraid to trust that I'm the one for him.

Thanks for any help and advice you can offer me.

Hello!

I have a question for you: if you're really interested in this guy, why would you tell him that your ex's keep calling and you continue to carry on with them? What the hell are you thinking? If you're trying to make him jealous, your plan is going to backfire. Personally, I'd NEVER agree to start seeing someone exclusively if they were still involved with their ex's. Why would I, (or he) want that hassle?

Next, you've convinced yourself that there is no other guy out there for you. Frankly, that's just ridiculous. There are thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands of soul mates out there just for you. What you're really saying is that you've given up looking for them to focus on this one guy. That's fine if that's what you want, but remember - it's a CHOICE, not a FACT. You have choices here.

It doesn't sound like he's decided that he doesn't want a relationship, it sounds like he doesn't want a relationship with you. He apparently likes your company and enjoys having sex with you, but it doesn't sound like he's willing to commit.

You have three options:

 

1) Accept things as they are without expectation of something more,

2) Give up and move on, or,

3) Start moving on with the hope that your actions may spur him into some movement.

The first two are pretty self-explanatory, so I'll concentrate on the third option.

If you started dating other guys and became less available to him, you might get him off the fence. However, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that this move is risky. You risk losing both his love and his friendship. On the other hand, you'll have started getting on with your life and things won't seem as bleak. Of course, if you choose to do this, don't throw it in his face, (as with your ex's), instead, simply become "unexplainably unavailable". Try to cut your time with him down to once a week or even once every other week including phone calls. Be sure to mix it up however, as the point of this is to let him see that he misses you.

Julie, I have at least a little trouble with your foundations of assuming that he is the only guy for you, and that you've looked, etc. Finding quality people isn't easy for anyone, but to give up and try to invest everything in only one guy isn't a good idea.

The bottom line is this: if he doesn't want what you want, he isn't the right guy for you.

Good luck, much love...

What To Do When You Just Can't Seem To Let Go


Hi Dr. Neder:

I hope you have some good advice besides telling me to get over this woman. I'm doing my best on that (primarily by dating other women), but I really want this woman back if possible.

Here's the story - it's pretty bizarre:

I was with a woman for a number years. It was on again/off again, mostly because she would deal with problems by breaking up. (I never initiated a break up). Eventually, she would come back again. She wanted marriage and children and I admit I was afraid of marriage. She would get very emotional and raise her voice; we lost the ability to communicate about important issues, especially the topics of marriage and children.

She broke up with me again late last year. I was told she was very upset, crying all the time. I assumed she'd be back like always. Wrong - she met a guy, got engaged 3 weeks later, and married 3 months after that. The man she married was also on the rebound and it's an obvious case of two lonely people consoling each other. They are very incompatible; he's not her (or my) equal in any way. It's pretty certain she married him to get a family, to not feel lonely after breaking up with me and to show me something -- not out of real love. It's almost certain they will eventually divorce.

I've overcome my fear of marriage, and even proposed to her to marry me before they married. As I said, she is stubborn and even though it's pretty certain to everyone she still loves me (and has implied she "feels sorry for him"), she would rather die than admit she made a mistake and rushed into something.

I love the woman dearly and, though would not break up her marriage if it were a better situation for her. I really want her back in my life if possible. Obviously, sitting and waiting for them to divorce is not a healthy approach. Can you give me any suggestions other than just trying to forget her?

Hello!

I'm not going to lie to you just because you've asked - you deserve better than that. Get over her. Yes, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's the right advice. I also understand that you're still in love with her, and maybe this is the key to your freedom from her. I'm sorry, but this woman sounds like a real nut case. Suffice it to say that, while crazy women are the best sex you'll ever have, they will cause you nothing but problems otherwise.

You've been doing the right thing by dating other women. I just hope that you're not spending your time with them telling them all about this woman. They don't want to hear that. You might find that focusing on volumes of women will help you get over one. After all, having a supermarket to choose from will make a single brand much less important.

Ok, so on to the "key". Again, you're going to have to get over her. Get out of her life, and get her out of yours. If you have any property of hers, give it back - ever single bit. If she has anything of yours, get it back. No more telephone calls, letters, birthday cards, email, or anything else. You've got to wash your hands of her completely. After all, you wouldn't cut off a dog's tail piece by piece would you? Of course not - you'd do it all at once.

Next, spend one session (no more than 30 minutes) considering what it is about this woman that has a hold on you. Is it the sex? Is it her looks? Just what is it exactly. Write this down on a piece of paper - you're going to need it later. Be short and specific - no more than a paragraph.

One final tip that will help: carry a rubber band with you. Huh? A rubber band - why? Here's why: You need to stop the patterns that are making you want her. These patterns continue to get reinforced every time you think about her with someone else. She isn't going to leave him for you - and if she does, you'd better run! So, every time you slip back into thinking about her, take that rubber band between your thumb and first finger, place it against your thigh, pull it back and give yourself a nice pop with it.

Does this sound stupid? Believe me - it works. What you're trying to do here is to associate the thoughts of her with a negative stimulus - in this case the stinging on your leg. Be consistent - don't stop until you stop thinking about her.

The final step is the paper. You should use this as the beginning of a letter to yourself. Instead of being a sad remembrance of her, it will now become the basis for your new goal - that of finding someone new. You should spend a few days and describe the exact woman you want to find. Describe her in detail and don't cut corners. There is something magical that happens when you commit this to paper. Describe her looks, her height, her political affiliation, her likes and dislikes, her family, where does she come from, what does she eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, how intelligent is she, what does she read, etc., etc., etc. Remember to keep that rubber band handy - if you fall back to thinking of the previous woman, you know what to do!

My brother, you're going to have to move on with your life and accept that she is doing the same. Be thankful for the things you've learned in your association with her and find someone else that you'll love even more - and that is less crazy.

The Big "O"


I'm a woman, wondering about having an orgasm. How do you actually know if you're having one? How do you know if you're at your climax point of being stimulated if you've never had one before? When do you know you can't go any higher?

Thanks for all your help.

Hello!

As I'm sure you probably know, there are many women that have never had an orgasm. It seems unfair to me that some women can climax many, many times, and others have never had a single one!

The climax is actually an important physiological function! It helps to stimulate the nervous system and actually opens up communication channels within the body. It causes hormone production; it relieves stress and actually reduces pain due to its endorphin-releasing effect. In short the orgasm is very important!

So, how do you know if you've ever cum? If you're not sure, you probably haven't. It's not that you can pinpoint very specific sensations or feelings as different women often report different things. Some say that their climaxes are huge physical and emotional explosions and others say that they feel like electric waves washing through their bodies. Still others say it is just a "profound sense of well-being". It's no wonder there is such confusion about the female climax!

The first question to ask is: do you masturbate? Almost everyone does and it's an important aspect to a person's sexuality, but a few women (and even fewer men) don't. That is a big mistake because if you don't understand your own sexual response, how will anyone else? Further, how will you learn to communicate to someone what you need to reach climax, and when you've actually done it? Let's face it, there isn't a big red flag on your ass that goes up when you cum! So, if you don't masturbate yet, that's the first place to start. I won't go into all of the technique or issues around masturbating here as it's outside your particular question.

Next, if you do masturbate, what do you get from it? Is it just a sense of relief or relaxation, or is it a private place where you can explore fantasies? This is another critical key to understanding your own sexual response. Fantasies are rich and powerful ways to understand yourself. They have no other equal.

As far as being able to "turn it up" - that is, to increase the sensation and benefit of an orgasm, you first have to understand what in yourself produces them. You see, even when you're with a partner, your orgasm is something YOU create - not that someone else gives you! Once you understand this, and when you learn to manage your own sexual response, then you can begin to explore what things make them grow.

Many women find that vocalizing helps to improve their orgasms. Others find that breathing, (or not breathing!) makes it better. Some find that certain positions stimulate them in ways that produces better orgasms, or that certain kinds of sex (like oral sex) makes it work. Still others find that certain kinds of muscular tension improve the sensation. Every woman is different!

I actually have been with women that were non-orgasmic when I met them and became easily orgasmic once they began to understand their own sexual responses. I'm not bragging here - these women did this themselves - I only provided a loving, caring, accepting environment in which they could explore these things without guilt! Some of these women can even climax at will - just from being hugged or kissed for instance!

So, you have everything in you right now to take your own sexuality anywhere you want it to go. All you have to do is to open yourself up to the possibilities and start to discover what about you makes you go "Ohhhhhh!"

Best regards...

Is It Better to Give or Receive?


Dear Dr. Neder,

I have a question regarding the exchange of a phone number after meeting a female. In my way of thinking, my mother taught me it is better to give than to receive. Because of this I have a habit of giving my number to the female rather then asking for hers. The disadvantage to that is obvious; it puts her on control. She may never call, and there's nothing you can do about it. I thought about it for a minute then though and I said, "but if she calls then you know she has a genuine interest in you."

Do women prefer to give their number opposed to receiving a number? Or is there a difference either way? Traditionally I suppose the man calls the woman, but I've never been much of a traditionalist.

Thank you for your help!

Hello!

Did your mother also tell you that it was better to remain celibate than to actually have a sex life? Well, that's what giving your number to women is going to lead to!

The fact is that women won't call you back! There are a number of reasons behind this, but the fact remains despite the reasons. Women know it's YOUR job to call THEM, not the other way around. So much for equality, eh?

I was my doctor's office the other day and was chatting up his receptionist. She had just finished checking her messages on her cell phone and was visibly excited because some guy she had met a few days before left her a message. So, I asked her, "Are you going to call him back?" She said, "Oh no! I never call guys back!" So I then said, "But you obviously seem interested in him, why wouldn't you call back someone you want to see again?" She replied, "Because then he'd know I was interested in him!"

See what's happening here? She's really interested in this guy, but wants to keep him off balance and thus won't call him - she expects him to do all the work!

What you're doing is trying to avoid rejection, and frankly it's a good way to accomplish that goal. However, it's a very bad way to actually meet women and get dates. You're going to have to decide which is more important: your fear of rejection, or your need for companionship, love and sex.

Best regards...

My "Friend" Wants More!


Hey Doctor, maybe you can help me with what is probably a classic problem.

I've been friends with a girl in my university program for 3 years now, and while I was on studying abroad this past semester, she emailed me and said she wanted 'to give us a try' as a couple. She said she felt she didn't want to miss this opportunity. I had just started my exchange semester, and I didn't even want to think about it...firstly because I had met so many beautiful women so far on the trip, and secondly, because this girl was sooooo far away and I wouldn't even see her for another few months.

So I wrote back telling her that I was working out a lot of things in my life on this trip and although her suggestion was not a total shock, I could not start a relationship at the time under those circumstances. She wrote back and agreed that it was rather impulsive and that she supported what I was doing.

Now that I have returned home, I can't stop thinking about it. She is a very special girl. She has a lot of the attributes I look for...in fact, there was a time in our first year when I may have been interested, that is, before we became friends.

Now, I don't know what to do. Should I risk the friendship? I already feel awkward around her, because I know how she feels. She had been bottling those feelings up for a while. We have not spoken of the email face to face...I don't think that would be a good idea either because it would not serve a purpose unless I was asking her out or something.

What I want to know from you is that IF I decide to ask her out, how should I do it? Should I expect a 'YES'. Is it quite possible that she would say 'No'? Does it matter? I'm already at an advantage in a way, but would she feel disadvantaged if I asked her out because I already know she likes me. The way I figure it, I should take it from a 'fresh start' point of view; pretend that she never sent that email. That way, if she says no, I won't be confused and it would make her feel like she could say no if she wanted.

What do you think? What complicates this issue is the number of common friends we have - people talk, which makes life harder since we all study together and are all going into our final year.

Hello!

It's almost a given - as soon as a guy gets scarce, that "friend" he's been wanting to turn into something else finally gets the clue and does it first! I just wish guys would believe this, as your example (and tons of others show!)

You've asked if you should "risk the friendship", and obviously, I can't answer that specifically for you because I don't know what the "friendship" means to anyone involved, However, that said, if you move ahead with something more with her, the friendship will absolutely be over. There's no changing that fact. But then, so what? If all you're looking for is friendships and not relationships, do nothing.

You'll have to decide if you DO want something more, and if you want something more with this woman or not. If so, here's what you do next.

First, when you're alone with her, tell her to clear her Saturday night - don't ask her, just tell her - and say you'll pick her up at 7 pm (or whenever). Next, show up with a different attitude. This is now a date. When you pick her up, kiss her right then and there. Not only will this set the tone of the evening, but it will really throw her off balance - something she'll actually appreciate. If you need some tips on this, here's an article that will help: www.beingaman.com/the_opening_kiss.htm

During your date, go out, have fun, but don't go to the movies or a concert. You need some "face time" with her. You want to be romantic and close, but turn the conversation around to talk about how she sees a possible relationship with you. Ask her to describe it. It will be somewhat uncomfortable at first - that's normal, but don't leave things up in the air if you really want something with her. You're just trying to determine if you and she want the same things. By the way, making this a romantic date is a critical step - I call this "getting her into state", so that she can see, feel, hear, taste and smell what it would be like.

Finally, after you've talked about it, don't hesitate to discuss what you want to do with your friends! They are her friends too, and if you think they may not be conducive to building your relationship - especially early on - agree to hide it until it is something more solid.

Best regards...

Manipulation and Game Playing


Hi,

My ex-boyfriend and I have been going together ever since January of 1996 and just last March he broke up with me. I just can't figure out why we broke up. I can honestly say that he is my true love.

Throughout the years we have broken up like three times. I mean it was like we broke up today and get back together a day or week later, but this time was different. He doesn't want me to call or write him or any contact whatsoever. The only reason that comes to mind why he had broken up with me is probably because I didn't have sex with him when he had wanted it.

I told him that I didn't want to and he had asked me why. I simply said, "I had my reasons". He didn't say anything for a while and then like about few minutes later he had asked me again, but I still told him no. Later, he decided to end things with me. I had asked him why and he said that he "...had his reasons". I still want to be with him. What can I do in order to get him back? I am in love with him and everyday that goes by I think of him. Please help me!

Hello!

The phrase, "I have my reasons" is just blatant manipulation, pure and simple. I don't blame him for not wanting to put up with that game. I wouldn't either. If you or any woman had ever tried to pull that on me, I'd be out the door and into some other woman's bed faster than you could say it a second time!

My question to you is why play that game in the first place? And, don't tell me that it's ok because he said it back to you. That's just more game playing. Obviously, you had a sexual relationship, and now you're changing the rules all without explaining it to him? Frankly, in my opinion until you grow up, you don't deserve a long-term relationship with him or anyone!

If you want to ever get him back, (and frankly, I'm not sure you can do this now), you need to correct whatever it is inside of you that would cause you to do such a thing in the first place. You see, relationships are built on trust, closeness, openness and communication. That one little phrase says, "Well, I'm changing the rules - I no longer feel compelled to talk to you about how I feel, or why I feel it." That's absolutely, 100% wrong headed thinking!

If you choose to no longer have sex with him, that's your right, but don't expect him to just live with the situation. He has a say in it too, and that say is to do exactly what he did - move on to find someone that meets his needs. Even if you had a "valid reason", that's no excuse to pull this little game.

Once you get this corrected in yourself, you can then approach him, apologize and explain why you did it, and why you now know it was wrong. You owe him at least that much. If he takes you back, feel lucky. Frankly, my students, most of the men I know and me wouldn't - and believe me, it's not about the sex.

Best regards...

Love Isn't An Excuse To Be Abused


I have a dating problem.

I have known this woman for 1 1/2 years, met her family, care about them, was engaged to her although she broke it off, and I cant understand why.

She had known a man for about a year on the net before she met me, but when he came to town, she broke off with me, while she gave him $8,000 to fix a business problem she has. She has seen this man twice, and now it appears she may see him again, even though I believe the guy is a crook.

I love her dearly, and have been thru everything with her, and have loved her unconditionally. She has been married 3 times, but has always picked Jerks. She doesn't understand that I'm not like them.

I have a situation developing where I may leave in 2 days or two weeks and never see her again, although it will break my heart to do so.

Help!

Hello!

If I understand you correctly, she has been having a long-distance relationship with this guy via the Internet and now that he's in town appears to want more with him.

My brother, I have no idea why you'd tolerate such disrespect. Oh, that's right, you "love" her!

What in the hell are you thinking? If she saw this guy even once, I would have kicked her to the curb, and just let her rush headlong down that path to her own destruction. How obvious does it need to be that this guy is only interested in her money, not her? He's probably thinking that he might even get a little pussy out of the deal.

If she's too dumb (even after 3 other failed marriages) to see this, do you really need a person like that in your life? If you have the opportunity to move, I'd say take it. Then, move on and don't ever look back, while thanking your lucky stars that you didn't get any further into this train wreck.

If you wind up not leaving, and still want to pursue this relationship, you'd better put your foot down right now. This is a good time to use an ultimatum - tell her, "If you ever see this guy again, give him money, or have any interaction with him in any way, live, through the Internet or even by carrier pigeon, you are 100% out of my life. No exceptions, no excuses."

Please don't sit by while she takes advantage of your trust. That's not "love", that's just self-abuse. You deserve better - MUCH better. Dennis knows!

Best regards...

Help With Stuttering


Hey Doc!

I have a question.

First, little background on me: I am 18-year-old guy, had a few girlfriends, but none serious. I've been told by girls that I'm good looking and I catch girls checking me out almost every time I go out, but I have a problem that's been getting in the way of dating for years. I used to stutter when I was little for quite some time and at times heavily. Then when I was about 10 years old it improved greatly, but then my parents moved to US when I was 11-12 and I started stuttering again, because I had a second language to learn and it all got mixed up in my head.

Its not like I cant get out words, but about once a sentence I just cant get the first letter out for a sec or two and end up sounding stupid.

I was wondering if you could give me ANY tips on how to make my speech fluent.

It's the one thing that's been haunting me for my whole life and I'd really like to get rid of it while I'm relatively young. And it's the main reason I'm not experienced with girls, I'm just afraid that as soon as I start talking I'll get stuck and she'll think I'm slow or something...

Anyway, thanks in advance, hope to hear from you.

Hello,

First, you need to get rid of that belief that stuttering makes you sound stupid - nothing could be further from the truth! A lot of people stutter, and have all sorts of other speech impediments that don't reflect at all on them personally - including me!

One of the best tricks I've ever heard of to deal with stuttering comes from music. Have you never noticed that some singers stutter, but when they sing, they don't stutter at all? The reason why is that their brains "hear" the music before they say a single word.

If you slow down just a little and hear yourself say the sentence before you say actually say it, you'll find that you reduce the stuttering dramatically. This can be difficult to do when you're talking to a little honey, so you want to practice it now and get used to doing it.

What's even better is that by using this technique, you'll actually appear to be contemplating your response, and will actually look really intelligent!

Best regards...

Where To Look To Find Your Balls!


Dear Dr. Dennis:

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and I just recently broke up with her because her cousin told me that she was cheating on me with at least three other guys. Let me tell you about the relationship before we broke up.

For most of it, everything was going really good. We both loved each other and spent a lot of time together. We would talk every night and see each other at least 4 days a week. Though the time however, I caught her in a number of lies that she had no answer for. I had a feeling that she was cheating on me but I had no real proof so I couldn't really do anything about it.

One day all of a sudden she wanted to take "a break" not to see other people she said, but just to think if she really wanted to be with me. I was so shocked and hurt by this but I agreed to it and left her alone to think about our relationship and if she wants to continue it.

Then of Valentine's Day we went out and she told me that she missed me and loved me and wanted to continue our relationship, so we got back together. Then a little less then a month later she wanted to take another break. She said her reason was that she still wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me or not.

This was killing me and I didn't know what to do because I loved her so much and was really hurt by this. So about a week after that she called me, (we were still emailing each other every day throughout the break) and told me that she misses me like crazy and real wanted to see me. I went to see her and as soon as she saw me she just started crying. She told me that she loves me with all her heart and wanted to live with me, marry me, and have my kids.

We talked about stuff like this before but I didn't think she still felt like this so it felt really good to hear those words come out of here mouth again. The next day we talked and she told me again everything that she told me the night before so I knew she really meant it but she still wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me right now. Again I was really hurt because I wanted things to just go back to normal. We continued to email each other everyday and tell each other how much we loved each other and wanted to be together.

Then, one day her cousin called me. Her cousin and I had a good friendship, so it wasn't unusual for her to call and check in. When she called I told her that her cousin and I weren't together any more, but that I loved her and wanted to be with her. Then she dropped a bomb. She told me that I should ask her cousin what a "break" meant to her because my girlfriends was out seeing other people!

Then, she told me that my girlfriend even was seeing people while we were still together, and that she had felt very bad for me! She said that she knew of at least three other guys she had been sleeping with and one of them was her ex.

Hearing this broke my heart and I confronted my girlfriend. She confirmed what her cousin had said and then broke out into tears, telling me that she really loved me. It broke my heart to see her cry like that but she left me no other choice than to break up with her.

My problem is that I'm still in love with her and want to get back with her and she has told me that she still loves me and regrets ever going on these "breaks" and wanted to get back with me too. I talked to her cousin again and she told me that she's still having sex with one of the guys and that she doesn't know if my girlfriend could be faithful to me.

My question to you is that I really want to get back with her even though she cheated on me cause I still love her with all my heart so I don't know if I should just give it awhile and see what happens or should I try and get back with her right away? Right now we aren't talking, (we both decided that was best for now), but she told me that she wants me to go with her to her doctors appointment which happens to be on our 2yrs and 2month anniversary and that we could talk then.

Please help me decide if I should try and get back together with her or if should I just move on? I really love her and miss her so please help me.

Thank you Dr. Dennis!

Hello!

Holy shit! You are an absolute pussy! There, you made me say it; I hope you're happy!

My brother, why in the hell would you put up with this from her or any woman? She's out whoring around with other guys while you and she are together, or on a "break" or whatever the hell you want to call it, and you still want to get back with her? Don't be a jackass!

This woman has absolutely NO respect for you - let alone any love for you - and I don't care what she says or promises, she's a lying, using bitch! Her ACTIONS scream it, even if her words don't! She's really got the game down too! She can turn on the tears anytime she wants if she thinks that will get you to jump off a cliff.

Of course, you just make it very, very easy for her to do all of this! She walks all over you, decides when and where these "breaks" happen, and you just go along with the program like a happy little puppy!

It's time to go get your balls back from this woman and put them back in your pants where they belong. Check her purse, that's probably where you'll find them. Then, tell her in absolutely clear, and unambiguous terms that she needs to hit the streets because she doesn't deserve you!

Whatever you do, DO NOT go to that doctor's appointment with her either, and DO NOT have sex with her again! Here's why: she may very well be going to the doctor to find out if she's pregnant, and if she is, she's going to claim the baby is yours! How do I know this? Because you're the little boy that will do anything for her - even raise the kid that some other guy gave her, take care of her, pay all the bills, even watch the kid while she goes out and finds new saps to bang!

Get the hell out of this right now. Change your number and even MOVE if you have to! But, do not agree to see this lying tramp every again, and get your head on straight brother, you're headed for nothing but more heartache or even worse - much, much worse - with this woman!

Best regards...

It's a Game - a Man's Game!


Hey Doc:

First I'd like to mention that this site (http://beingaman.com/) is great! Straight and to the point, and no ads!

I'm a 22-year-old male; I've been single for a little over 3 months now from a 3-year relationship and first "intense" or real experience with a woman. I'm quite happy and comfortable with my new freedom but hope to eventually find someone interesting.

My problem is basically that I'm not the type of guy who goes the distance to meet women. I bartend on weekends and see/communicate with many interesting people but lack the confidence to actually ignite anything serious. Friends of mine usually break the ice for me. I am certainly not shy in general; most female friends of mine say I'm funny, smart, sexy, easy-going and very cool.

I guess I'm simply afraid of rejection. I suppose I become shy and retract quickly when I feel real potential, as if I don't want to spoil a good thing. The initial stage scares me because it is such a crucial one. Some of my friends say I intimidate women before they get to know me but most of the girls I've dated in the past have usually perused me and made the leap out of impatience. I know what I want; yet I need the security of being chased to avoid being gutsy. I don't like girls who play games; being 22 unfortunately exposes me to the type of women who don't care for being friends as well as lovers. How can I improve and/or have a personal technique, which would enable me to easily breakthrough the initial stages?

Hello!

Thanks for your comments on the site! While we have to do SOME marketing to pay for the site, in fact, 100% of it, and the discussion group groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman is absolutely free! We are dedicated to building a better man!

Your question is actually quite common! Let's face it, who wants to get rejected? But, you really have only a few choices here, since it's the guy's job to do the approaching! Unfair, but who ever said life was fair?

So, what you need to do is to start working your odds in a way that improve them. Here's how:

1) Get educated.

Sorry for the sales pitch, but you really should read, "Being a Man in a Woman's World". Consider this: the more knowledge you have about women, the better your odds are going to be. Remember, women are relationship experts - men are not. Women spend their entire lives studying this stuff; men spend very little if any. Further women are intolerant of men without game. So, key #1 is to get yourself educated.

2) Work the odds.

Most men make the mistake of selecting a single target and "working" her. That's a very poor choice! What if she doesn't work out? Then you're left with nothing. Instead, you should constantly be "rolling" 3, 4 or even 5 women at a time! You have a significant advantage here because of your job. You get to talk to women all the time! Use the advantages you have to improve your own odds.

3) You've got to ask for what you want.

If you don't ask, you're not going to get anywhere. Learn, practice, and always ask for the home number. In fact, when I finally figured this out years ago, I began asking every woman I met for her home phone number! I'd even pull up to a light, see a cute girl, motion for her to roll down her window and then ask for her number! You'd be surprised how often I got it! Even now, on occasion while I'm stuck here in Los Angeles traffic, I'll see a cutie next to me, and get her cell number! Then, I call her while we're both stuck and work her!

You see my brother; this is just a game - and a fun game at that! You're not going to get ever number you ask for, nor are you going to get a date with every woman you call. You're not even going to sleep with every woman you date. However, if you do something - anything, your odds are going to be much better than if you do nothing.

Best regards...

It’s Marriage Or Else!


Doc:

I am a 33-year-old woman who is raising a 9-year-old boy on my own. I moved in with my 36-year-old boyfriend 5 months ago. He made it clear to me that we would get married after I moved in. I told him it was very important to me.

Well, since then, he has come up with excuses and is "just not ready" now. He has been divorced for a couple years and has 2 small children, 6, and 7. I have lived with men before and I am now ready to make a commitment to a man and him the same for me. It would make the relationship more solid and trusting to me. I am always wondering why is he afraid? Why doesn't he want to marry me? I am constantly questioning myself as to why I stay.

After we dated a couple months (1 yr and 5 months now), I asked him if he wanted more children. He told me he didn't until he met me. Now he says he is getting a vasectomy. I just recently went off the pill and he isn't that "careful" for someone who definitely doesn't want more children. I have to be careful for my own sake I understand.

What I'm wondering I guess is if this man will always be afraid of another woman (myself) taking his money whether it's child support or alimony, house, etc IF we got divorced? I am not comfortable living with him with my child without being married. I know pressuring a man is never going to work, but I should be able to talk about these things without making him uncomfortable.

So, what should I do???? I know I should have never moved in in the first place, but if I move out to make a point, I don't think my feelings would be the same. I don’t want to be one of those girls I know that wastes years of my life waiting on a man to be ready for what I am.

Hello!

It sounds to me like you've pinned everything in the relationship on being married. I believe that is a poor choice! Why aren't you focusing on the quality of the relationship rather than the format? Believe me, marriage does not make a relationship more "secure", and in fact in many more than 1/2 the cases often does just the opposite. If you already had everything the relationship (and you) could want, and you both were excited about being hitched, I'd say you should go for it. These are obviously not the case in your situation, and to feel you've "wasted your life" on something that is not a marriage is unfortunate.

There are many differences between how men and women view marriage. To women, marriage usually means future, family, security and even success. To men, marriage means loss of freedom, loss of choice, responsibility and having a second partner to make every decision. What I find curious is that ANY man wants to be married in the first place!

Here are your options:

1) Decide that the quality of the relationship is what's important and that you want to make things work with this man in whatever format you both can and will feel comfortable.

2) Try to convince him that he has to marry you either through threats (to leave him for example), "accidentally" getting pregnant (a bad, BAD choice - please don't do this - get back on the pill, and insist he uses condoms - your children deserve much, MUCH better than this!), or offer some sort of compromise that he will feel comfortable with such as a prenuptial agreement where you split your assets as they rest pre-marriage.

3) Move out and try to find someone with the same goals you have.

As I've already mentioned, just getting married for it's own sake isn't a good idea, and he obviously feels the same way. If you absolutely have to be married to be happy, I'm sure you can find someone this weekend that will marry you, but is that really what you want? Focus on the quality of the relationship, and only when you have everything you want (and are sure your partner has everything he wants), move on to be married.

Best regards...

Massage Revisited: The "Facial Massage"


[Note: this article refers to an earlier article on giving a great massage. You can see that article at: www.beingaman.com/giving_a_great_massage.htm )

Hi Dr. Neder,

I am a woman, married 7 years, and was interested in giving my husband a 'good' massage. Normally when I try it doesn't work for one reason or another - it either tickles, is too hard, etc. I decided to look on the Internet for "how to give a massage" when I came across your article. Wow! Finally! Exactly what I was looking for and it did not take long to find. I am not one to read an entire article on the monitor but yours was definitely an exception. Needless to say, I really enjoyed it.

I have a question though, and was pleased to see your note at the bottom of your article saying that you answering all mail. Great!

Now for my question: I got a massage today and the therapist concluded with a facial massage. It put me to sleep. I was wondering if there is something about the technique that induces sleep, and if you know and/or could provide the steps (as you did in your article) to give a facial massage. I would love for my husband to konk out from a massage I give. It would be much better than the normal response of 'just forget it'. Anyhow, if you do not have this information, that is okay. I just mainly wanted you to know how much I enjoyed your article.

Thank you very much.

Hello!

Thank you so much for your comments on my article. Massage is such a great way to say, "I love you" as it's purely for your partner.

Beyond the relaxation, there are a number of reasons why people fall asleep during massage. It's important to understand that the muscles actually create a bunch of chemicals as they do their work - moving bones around. Many of the chemicals are actually toxic! That's the reason why drinking water is so important following a massage. Further, many of these chemicals can induce a sleepy state in the person being massaged.

Regarding a facial massage; keep in mind that there are "rings" of muscle that surround the eyes and the mouth. Other muscles lie just below and above the cheeks, and around the head. You can get to all of these in slow strokes that start at the corners of the mouth and end at the bottom of the ears, or that start in the middle of the forehead and end above the ears.

You want to use the "flats" of your fingers here - from the tip down to the 2nd knuckle to get the muscular bands. Try to avoid using the fingertips on the face as there are nerves that come out from the bone that are very sensitive to pressure.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the face is highly "vascular" - that is, there is a lot of blood flow in the face. This is one of the reasons why we blush. Because of this, if you spend too much time working a specific area, you can actually cause that area to swell. Swelling should always be considered a bad thing! So, keep moving and don't focus on any single area.

One other point about pressure: there are three sets of nerves that come out from small holes in the bones of the face toward the middle: right where the eyebrows start (by the bridge of the nose), right under the outside edge of the nostrils and directly below the mouth. Too much direct pressure here causes pain, so avoid these areas.

Also, don't forget the top of the head, around the back, and the very top of the neck. These places can take very deep pressure with the fingertips - and they feel great!

Good luck, much love...

© 2003, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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