My boyfriend doesn't get into sex
Question from a female sophomore at student at
Michigan State University: I feel that my
boyfriend doesn't get into sex, or isn't turned on.
What can I do to make it better?
Dr. Caron's Answer: What do you want to
do? It sounds to me like you may have a fine
platonic relationship. One where you enjoy being
with this person, but you do not share sexual
experiences. How does your boyfriend feel about
this? Is this something he is happy with? I suggest
you sit down together and discuss the relationship
openly and see if you are in agreement.
It might be important to examine if your
perception of his lack of interest has been this
way all along, or if this is something that you see
as a more recent change? That may help guide the
conversation you have with him. If he refuses to
talk about it, you'll have to think about your own
needs and options. For example, is it worth it to
stay in a relationship that is not meeting your
I am interested to know if you have been
together for quite awhile and this is something
that you have observed over time. If so, it is
important to recognize that anything that is
routine, which happens over and over again in the
same exact way, becomes boring or stale. Even sex.
If that is your situation, you may want to talk
about how you might spice up the relationship:
changing your positions, places, and times; adding
little surprises; doing the things that used to
turn you on which have now fallen to the side. It's
important to find ways to vary your experiences -
this means communicating and negotiating with your
Finally, recognize that loving relationships
thrive on mutual respect. I am not sure that you
can make anybody feel turned on and interested
because you're feeling turned on and interested.
Generally, "turn-ons" for men include caring,
touch, shared feelings, and the interest in mutual
respect. Best wishes.
© 2009, Sandra L.
* * *
It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the
lover. - Marge Piercy
American teens have the worst of all
worlds...Our children are bombarded and confronted
with sexual messages, sexual exploitation, and all
manner of sexual criticism. But our society is by
and large sexually illiterate. Faye Westheimer
Dr. Sandra L.
Caron is a professor of human sexuality at the
University of Maine. To submit a question to Dr.
Caron or chat with your peers visit
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