Sex Talk

When you run into someone who raped you?

Question from a female senior wants to know: How should I react to meeting the guy that "date-raped" me three years ago? Should I hate him? Try to be civil? What should I do? It is upsetting to see him.

Dr. Caron's Answer: I think you should do what feels right to you - be honest with yourself. Naturally, you have some very negative feelings. I would not encourage you to pretend that everything is just fine between the two of you. In fact, I would make it clear that things are NOT OKAY between you. I'm curious: Does he realize what he did to you and how it has affected you? Some women I have worked with in the past have found it helpful to write the guy a letter - spelling out exactly how the rape affected them. Also, have you ever talked to anyone about this? If not, I would recommend you call your local counseling center to meet with one of their staff or, if you prefer to be more anonymous, you could call your local Rape Response Service. Many women find it helpful to talk to someone who can offer support. It sounds like a very uncomfortable situation to be in. I'm sorry you have to deal with it at all.

© 2010, Sandra L. Caron

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It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover. - Marge Piercy

American teens have the worst of all worlds...Our children are bombarded and confronted with sexual messages, sexual exploitation, and all manner of sexual criticism. But our society is by and large sexually illiterate. Faye Westheimer

Dr. Sandra L. Caron is a professor of human sexuality at the University of Maine. To submit a question to Dr. Caron or chat with your peers visit Got a question for Dr. Caron? Visit and ask away! Get a guaranteed personal and confidential response to your question: or E-Mail

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