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Seven Tips for Getting
through the First Year of Marriage - An
interview
As a newlywed, you are new to the job. It’s
normal if you’re having a difficult time
adjusting and finding your groove. With patience
and diligence, you’ll improve. “Marriage
is an art and job, and you can learn the skills
that will help,” says Molly Barrow, a
counselor and author of the book, Matchlines: A
Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships
(ArcheBooks Publishing, April 2006). Here are some
of Barrow’s top tips in key areas of newlywed
life:
1. Accept
Conflict
Everyone argues. Barrow
warns that couples who think they can avoid
disagreements are acting childishly. The difference
between a couple with a solid relationship and one
that is on a rocky road is how they deal with
conflict. There’s always one spouse who wants
to resolve every issue immediately. But Barrow
suggests not doing that because it’s unfair to
the other partner. Instead, you should give your
spouse time to process your position, share his or
her position, and then “let it cook,”
says Barrow. She advises letting it cook for as
long as possible while maintaining a positive
attitude on your relationship. Eventually, she
says, a compromise will emerge.
2. Go Slow and
Steady
Give yourselves time to
get used to being married. Barrow says it may take
a year before you are settled into your new life.
“It’s rocky that first year,” she
says. “Any fights that you’re having are
probably the same ones you’ll have when
you’re 75 years old, and you’re not going
to solve them that first year.” That’s
okay. Sometimes, you have to simply agree to
disagree. Do not get frustrated if you're still
finding your way on your first anniversary.
3. Embrace Your
Differences
Often people are attracted
to one another for the things they have in common.
Their differences cause conflict. But Barrow says
they do more than that. The differences you have
bring excitement, interest, and can serve as an
introduction to new adventures and experiences for
your partner, she adds. In other words, you would
have a pretty boring relationship without them.
Quit wearing the same kinds of clothes and trying
to act like your partner. Instead, embrace and
pursue your unique self and share that person with
your spouse, and have him or her do the
same.
4. Build
Trust
More important than
intimacy, trust is a necessity to developing an
everlasting bond, says Barrow. Building trust is
simpler than you might think. “Mean what you
say and do what you promise,” says Barrow.
“Don’t let yourself be dominated into
making a promise you don’t intend to
keep.” In other words, if you know you never
want to live in a certain state, don’t tell
your spouse you’ll eventually move there. If
you say you’re going to be at home by 10 p.m.,
be home by 10 p.m. It’s that simple.
5. Brace Yourself for a
Lack of Romance
The bad news: Passion
dies. The good news: It makes a comeback. The truth
is that relationships are not all roses and
champagne all the time. No one can maintain that
kind of rush. When you pile on stress,
responsibilities, poor eating habits, and the
tediousness of everyday life, you will not be as
wild in bed as you once were, says Barrow.
“Lots of times in our society, it’s all
about the climax,” she says. “Pay more
attention to the journey and less to the ultimate
result or finish line.” Weather the storm,
make time for one another, and let nature take its
course. Eventually, you’ll land in each
other’s arms again.
6. Show Kindness to
Your In-Laws
Your spouse can not trade
in his or her parents, and criticizing them will
only cause hurt feelings. Barrow suggests letting
your in-laws spend as much time as they want with
your spouse, even if you don’t always join
them. You don’t have to love your in-laws, but
you have to tolerate them. Barrow says that it
helps to try to see the situation through their
eyes. “Some parents have a broken heart when
their children grow up and go away,” she says.
“It’s not all about you. The motivation
is probably love.” Have a little compassion
and give your in-laws a break.
7. Be
Realistic
Recognizing the natural
ebb and flow of a relationship will serve you well.
“Some days you wake up passionately in love,
and some days you wake up mad at the world,”
says Barrow. Realize your relationship is not
doomed just because you have a negative attitude
one day. It just means that you are human. Move on
and wait for the next day, when you wake up in love
-- and make the most of it.
©2010, Molly
Barrow
* * *
Dr. Molly
Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is
the author of the new book, Matchlines:
A revolutionary New Way of looking at relationships
and making the right choices in
love. She is an
authority on relationship and psychological topics,
a member of the American Psychological Association
and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly
has appeared as an expert on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in
O Magazine, Psychology Today, Newsday, MSN.com,
Match.com, Women's Health and Women's World. Please
visit: www.askdrmolly.com
or Take the new relationship compatibility test,
Match Lines Systems for Successful Relationships
for Singles, Couples and Business at
www.DrMollyBarrow.com.
Molly has a radio program, Your Relationship
Answers at www.blogtalkradio.com/drmollybarrow
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