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Teach your Child to
Survive Grief
How do you recognize when trauma is life
threatening to your kid? What becomes the breaking
point in a child or a young adult and how can you
help? The tiny disappointments common to an adult
can become a reason to attempt suicide in a child
over eight and especially, for a teenager. Acne, a
broken heart, loss of a grandparent, parent or
friend, cut from the team, botched SAT exams, a
drug bust or arrest are so traumatic for a young
person that a parent would be wise to pay very
close attention.
Stress is a pervasive
pressure on your body that is like running an
engine relentlessly. Eventually, the weakest place
will begin to fail. As the body’s production
of hormones, brain chemicals, and metabolism become
affected, so does the thinking process. A child,
who has much less experience and vision to see
stress and disappointment as a transitory part of
life, may ruminate and obsess without end. Right
before your eyes, they could already be on their
way to mental illness because they refuse to eat
mandatory mental health foods like vegetables and
fruits or resting the mind by sleeping 8-10 hours a
night. Add worry or shock to this combination and
you may get some real stinking thinking. Throw in
drugs or alcohol to depress them even more and
suicide seems like an option in a kid who would
never have ever thought about it previously.
Children and teens often
believe that they must find a solution for their
problems immediately, not realizing that often,
time heals most pain. A child will attempt to
reduce the pain that they are feeling and soon it
is their most important goal. With their limited
life experience, they cannot conceive of an end to
their grief or know that they will recover soon.
If your child receives a
life blow, assume the worst and operate as if they
feel like giving up and not living another moment.
Try to listen to all their drama without escalating
emotionally yourself. They need a steady helper not
additional harsh treatment, fear or hysteria. This
is the wrong time to scold, “Take your hits
like a man!" as your father may have said to you.
Instead, baby them and take them for ice cream,
even if the are 24. Spend lots of time with them,
including taking a sick day from work to go fishing
or shopping. Your steady company will help them get
some needed perspective that life does move on even
after heartbreak, rejection or failure.
Until you die, there is
always another chance to be who you want to be,
find the right one or make up for past mistakes.
Never is life a throw away. Teach your child to
value his or her life and promise them an
opportunity in their future to recover their loss.
Whatever affected and hurt them today might be bad
enough to kill them even if you think it is little
problem. You must take them seriously. Some kids
hold it all in. The less they talk and act as if it
were no big deal, the more likely they are faking
and feeling much differently inside. If you feel
scared for them, get them to a cool professional
therapist who can help teach them to survive the
highs and lows of life. Above all, your job as a
good parent is to show them some love and respect
for their hurt right now, rather than later.
©2008, Molly
Barrow
* * *
Dr. Molly
Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is
the author of the new book, Matchlines:
A revolutionary New Way of looking at relationships
and making the right choices in
love. Shre your thoughts
with her at www.drmollybarrow.com/w2/index.php?page=contact
Molly is an authority on relationship and
psychological topics, a member of the American
Psychological Association and a licensed mental
health counselor. Dr. Molly has appeared as an
expert on NBC, PBS, KTLA, and in O Magazine,
Psychology Today, Newsday, MSN.com, Match.com,
Women's Health and Women's World. Take the new
relationship compatibility test, Match Lines
Systems for Successful Relationships for Singles,
Couples and Business at www.DrMollyBarrow.com.
Molly has a radio program, Your Relationship
Answers at www.blogtalkradio.com/drmollybarrow
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