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Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love,
relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer
all letters. Write E-Mail
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
Already
Committed Could These Balls Be Yours,
By Chance? Doc: My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We fell in love right away and even moved in together (she was new in town). I'm 23 and she's 24. We had all these plans for the future and I even brought an engagement ring. She went on a business trip 3 months ago and when she came back she told we she needed a break to figure out who she is and what she wants. I found out that before she asked for the break she met a 26 year old guy who lives 2 hours from us. I asked her if she wanted to break up and she said no, she just needs space. Well the other guy started coming to see her and she has even gone to spend the whole weekend with him. I called this guy a couple of times because I was being stupid. She has really hurt me but I still love her so much. I'm afraid to give her the break she wants because she may forget what we once shared. I tell her lets not talk until she figures out what she wants and she says she still wants to talk and hang out with me. I don't know what to do? Does she still love me? Hello! I'm sorry to tell you this, no, she doesn't love you. If she did, how could she consider being with someone else while she's with you? Frankly, this is particularly dirty - she already has another "boyfriend" even though she's living with you and doesn't want YOU to move on, but wants that freedom herself! Sure, she doesn’t want to break up – she has you at home cleaning everything and paying the bills while she gets to go out and establish a new relationship. What a self-centered, using bitch! And then there's you - why in the hell would you put up with such a thing? She's going there spending weekends with him two hour away? Why would you ever tolerate such a thing? Because you "love" her? Where is your self-respect and dignity? Where are your balls? Oh, I know, they’re in her purse, right next to that love she claims to have for you. My brother, this isn’t “love”. It's time to wake up out of this "love fog" you've got and start seeing this for what it is. You're obviously under the impression that you can't do better than her, but let me assure you, she's nothing special. When she goes out and runs around on you still hoping that you'll hang around just in case her new boyfriend doesn't work out, you're as much to blame about all of this as she is - maybe more! Tell her that she can go have her weekend, then spend that time packing up all of her stuff and putting it on the doorstep to greet her when she comes home. Also be sure to change the locks and phone number. Then, you and your buddies can go out on Sunday night to celebrate and meet some much better women. Best regards... "Right-Sizing" Your
Relationship Dr. Neder My fiancé and I are to be married in 3 months. We've been having problems for the past year. We've been great friends for 10 years. We fight over trivial things, but she gets emotional and makes consistent put-downs about me, says she's depressed and unhappy with me. We both have tried desperately to make the relationship better - I went to relationship counseling and she attended a few times, but really wasn't interested in what the councilor had to say. She and I both have realized that our major quarrels are not about our initial fights, but the way in which we fight which we both agree goes like this. I will say or do something that makes her upset, she reacts with emotion, and starts calling me and my family all sorts of names, and I get defensive. I have tried to work on my part of the situation - not making her upset and not engaging in the argument, but when I try to back-off she gets more upset at me for not reacting. I'm in a catch-22. Moving in together 1 year ago may have been the worst thing we've ever done. I realize that this is our 'sort of' first year of marriage, with all the growing pains of getting used to someone else, but things haven't let up. I'm torn between going ahead with the wedding on the basis that outside of the piece of paper, we're already married and this is inevitable for all couples, or that I'm learning how this person really will treat me the rest of my life now, and I should get out because I can't accept this. She says I need to be more accepting that she is an emotional person and that she often says things she doesn't mean (I'm not nice, not hopeful over our future, constant put downs), but that is not good enough for me. All my efforts to make things better, the nights out, the days off spent together, the little things throughout the day that I try, all become null and void to her after our fights and she says she's equally happy and sad. She doesn't leave me because I think she loves me very much, and since she already views this relationship as a marriage, it would be like failing her, her marriage, and her families opinion of her (they don't think highly of divorce). Personally I don't know what to do. For 2 weeks we'll have a great time, then a major disaster sinks in that takes 2 days to fix. It's like clockwork, and has been for the last 8 months. I personally think that we should not be married until we fix these problems, but she thinks that putting off the marriage = the end of the relationship. I don't want to lose her, but I can't live with the constant emotional reactions and roller-coasters. I wish she would start to control herself and talk to me about her feelings. In my opinion she is surrendering control over the situation - she says it's the way she is and I have to accept this. I have no where else to turn, please help. Hello! I'm about to give you the most important piece of advice you'll ever receive, and I hope you take me seriously about it: don't marry this woman. My brother, you have a very severe problem on your hands. You're seeing only the tip of the iceberg right now. She's actually on her best behavior in looking forward to the marriage! Can you imagine what you're life is going to be like when she no longer has to worry about that little aspect, and she has everything she wants? This name-calling and put-downs are simply a symptom of a much greater problem - lack of maturity, respect, courtesy and consideration of you and your family. She is in love all right - with the idea of being married. To her, (and to many women) this means that they've "succeeded". Most all women define themselves, and their level of success by their relationships. If they reach the finish line (by being married), they feel worthwhile and successful. Men do something similar but with their jobs, not their relationships. Personally, I think being successful in your work life is contributing something of important value, and is a better indicator, but then, I digress. The bottom line is this: just because you moved in due to your pending marriage, it's not written in stone. In my latest book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" I talk about the concept of "up-sizing", "down-sizing" and "right-sizing" your relationship. The point of this discussion is to find the balance in your relationship that fits. Marriage and living together obviously doesn't fit your relationship, and marriage rarely makes a relationship "better" - only different. Trust me on this one: you're in a very bad situation right now that is only going to get worse by being married. The only time to be married is when: a) you want or already have kids, and b) you're absolutely sure you're in the most perfect, relationship you can have. No doubt you're getting a lot of pressure from all sides on this one - including her family. You need to put these pressures aside and see this for what it is. I suggest that you begin by calling off the wedding. This isn't going to be easy, but if you don't do something right now, you're going to wind up married to someone that just thinks you're trash - even though you've given her exactly what she wanted. Then, decide if you need to move out from each other to rebuild your relationship, (I think you do). Get set-up separately and begin working on the relationship problems. Don't just assume that they're not there because the stress is off. This needs some work, and continued counseling for BOTH of you may be the key. If you need more information on how to do this, check with "Being a Man in a Woman's World II". Best regards... Doc: I have a problem with women - not meeting them - just keeping things as "just sex" and nothing more. Every woman I seem to meet wants the relationship thing. Any suggestions? Hello! How many men would like to have your problems? Keeping things "just sex" (without using professionals) involves starting correctly up front. Frankly, most women are more interested in a relationship than just casual sex, but that’s not a rule. There are many women out there who are too busy for a relationship that still want sex. Obviously, these women are your primary targets. Let’s look at some of the options for sex-only relationships: One night stands ("ONS") Getting ONS’s isn’t as tough as you’d think. There are many women out there that are very good targets, but you have to be sure to have your skills in check. You should read (and re-read) "Being a Man in a Woman’s World II" for details on this - how and where to meet these women, how to approach and how to close the deals. It’ll also give you great information on how and where to work your magic. Friends (with "privileges") I’m sure you know how I feel about female "friends". However, there is at least one major benefit to a woman that only sees you as a friend - as long as she also sees you sexually. Keep in mind however that sex might very well ruin your relationship unless you work the ground rules up front, and even then, there are no guarantees. Sex-only relationships Finding women interested in sex-only relationships is more difficult because you have to go through a lot of women. There are clubs and even services that can help you here, but in general, you’re going to have to work these in the same way as ONS’s. Ex-girlfriends Have you considered going back to your ex’s? This is a great source of sex-only relationships! Of course, you broke up for a reason and you should be clear on the fact that you’re not interested in getting back together with her. You have quite a few options as to where to find sex-only relationships, and as long as everyone is on board, and you use protection every single time, there’s not too much wrong with these. If you’re looking for sex-only relationships, you should let your target know this up front. Having her find out later on (especially when she is looking for more with you) isn’t going to ingratiate you in her mind. Further, remember that women talk. If you spend much time in any particular area (such as a local bar or club), you’re going to get the reputation of a player pretty quickly, which will shut down many other great options. Be clear about your goals up front and save yourself months (years?) of hassles later on. I’d caution you however that if things get too serious for either of you, it’s time to move on. Best regards... Dr. Neder, I recently read an article on your webpage that is similar to my own situation, which should clue me in, but still I'm soliciting your advice. My girlfriend and I met in December and by February we were dating, exclusively. We fell in love very quickly and within six weeks she was no longer a virgin. Our relationship grew until approximately August when I learned several disturbing things about her. First I learned that her father abused her physically, sexually, and emotionally as a child. I always though something happened, but never knew the extent – which was huge. Despite the abuse she still swears to love her father very much, a clear sign of codependency. She was promiscuous during the entire time the abuse occurred never having sex but mostly giving head (about 40 guys in just a 2 year period), and allowing guys to do some crazy things to her. She was also assaulted by a group of guys including an ex-boyfriend and her now step brother. They pinned her against a car and started fingering her. Like victims will she froze. The second issue was that she had started talking to an ex-fling again and she claimed that it was only plutonic but it was evident that she was enjoying it and felt guilty. I asked her to end the contact with this guy and she agreed. The following day I discovered that she had been carrying on a “relationship” with him via email and that she would talk to him at night even after we had been together. Well after several discussions and her agreeing to end the relationship with him, I forgave her and we prepared for her departure to college. She moved at the end of August to attend college. What followed was a sequence of lies that continued through out our relationship. She never even told him that she had a boyfriend! After I confronted her, she tried to explain to that she never really loved him and that she just said that so he would still be interested. She said that she never wanted to be with him but played along for the attention. She said that she cheated on me during a college visit trip to the states, when she met up with this guy. He didn't even know that she had a boyfriend! She told me that she had sex with me to prove to me, but mostly to prove to herself, that she loved me. She also said that there were a couple of times that she didn't want to have sex but did because she felt obligated because she had cheated. After our discussion the future of our relationship was in jeopardy. Not because I was going to end it but because she was. She said that she had to decide whether or not she loved her pride more than me. We've made up since then and for the last two weeks or so, it's been good. I've forgiven her and I want to be together. But she doesn't seem to be going out of her way to prove to me that she loves me, she hasn't gone out of her way to earn back my trust, and I still feel like I'm putting more effort into the relationship than she is. I'm headed to Iraq in December, so the next time I see her is in November for 10 days, then the next time after that is in June for R&R for two weeks. We are destined to spend the next couple of years apart and I really want this to last forever, and she has said that she does as well. But lately I've just stressing out about it but I'm afraid to talk to her about it and I’ve been having nightmares. I don't know what to do. Hello! Well, you've got some great armchair psychology going on. Let me ask you this: are you this girl's boyfriend, or her therapist? Trust me: you can't be both. I'm not at all surprised that she doesn't seem to be investing in your trust. Why should she? She already has everything from you that she wants. There's no benefit to her to make you trust her at all! She has your love, she has your trust, she has your belief in her, she has your future, she even has your balls which she has had made into some nice earrings. You give these things away as though they had no value whatsoever. Guess what? To her, they don't. Let me stress this point: this woman isn't going to get "better" than she is right now. She's going to constantly be out for herself - her needs, her goals, her wants - all to the exclusion of yours. If she can prevent you from reaching your goals, all the better in her eyes as this gives even more value to her own! Is that really what you want in your relationships? I sincerely hope not! You need to wake up here and see what's really going on. Women that have good self-images and respect and consideration (even love) for the men they're with, don't act like this. Further, you can't love her care about her enough to make her change. Even worse, all of this is extremely unhealthy for you. If you want my advice, here it is: dump this bitch. Go get your balls back from her first, and then cut off all contact. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. Period. Move on with your life and seek out those women that are healthy and want to be with a healthy man. Don't try to "fix" someone that is fundamentally broken - especially when they themselves don't want to be fixed. Best regards... Hello Doc: I read you site about letting go in a broken relationship and want to ask you something about it. I am a married woman, 35 years old and have 2 children. My husband needs me more than I need him. For many years I felt alone and not always listened to by him. A year ago I met someone else and fell in love. He showed me how to live again and brought back all my feelings. He doesn't accept when I don't tell him what I'm thinking, and now realize I didn't share any of this with my husband because I didn't feel that he really cared. It fell to me he was too selfish to see things that were important to me. After going through therapy with my husband I left him and went to live with my new boyfriend for a couple of months. It felt so perfect, other than the guilt I felt for leaving my children. I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be and I felt sorry for my husband. I wasn’t sure if it was just my feelings of guilt or there was more. So finally I went back to my husband and kids. Now I’m not happy. I learned to express my feelings to him however. I told him that I don’t want sex because I don't feel it that it's good for me. This makes him very sad and he says, "We are married", ect. On the other site I feel so sorry. He is not a bad man, and is trying very hard to make me feel me better so I have to give him a chance. Also my children are happy that I'm home. Now I’m trying to see if my feelings for him will grow again by opening up. I’m hoping that I’ll finally know what to do. Do you have some advice for me? Hello! You feel that your husband was selfish because he didn't give you what you needed. Fine. What about YOUR selfishness?? You never even bothered to consider what your CHILDREN needed from you! They need to have mom and dad at home working through the problems so that they have a good environment in which to grow up! They didn't ask to be brought into this world - YOU decided that for them, and by doing so, you owe them everything - and they owe you nothing in the process. I'm sorry, but your selfishness towers over any that your husband has! Ok, you didn't write to me for a lashing (although it's highly appropriate here), let's look at your situation. When you decided to have children, you gave up the right to focus on your needs. That's the way it is. Until those kids are out of the house and on their own, they deserver 100% of your focus. Your needs come second - or third - if at all! You need to do whatever it is that will make your house a home for those kids. If that means that you need to fall in love with your husband again, I suggest you get working on it. Yes, your husband is obviously trying to make things work here too, but it takes you both. If you're only giving a half-hearted effort, it's not going to work. It's time to grow up and start to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and your needs. There are others in your life that deserve much more here. Best regards... I read on a website that you try to answer your email and I'm begging for some of your expert advice please. I am in serous need of some help because a girl I had really strong feelings for and with whom I've had a very close relationship and I have just had a crisis. About 1 1/2 years ago, I met a very cute and sweet 28 year old girl (I’m in my 50’s) and we began conversations, went on a few "dates" and began a relationship that has lasted until the day before yesterday. This relationship was carried on about twice a week for a few hours each time and included, as of late, some very intimate times, but not actual regular sex; lots of kissing, touching and rubbing, but never naked - we always wear underwear. When ever we are together she has the power to make me feel as if I am the only other person on the planet. She is incredibly intense and very physical and makes sure to be in physical contact with me all the time we are together. If we go out to dinner, she wraps an arm or leg with me for the whole time we are at the table and never lets go of me. My girlfriend is in a 7 year committed relationship with a real loser. He mentally abuses her and hasn't had a job for 2 years and she just calls him "a work in progress" and apparently loves him very much. He has a felony conviction for cocaine possession and served 5 years. She works long hours and brings home the money and he buys pot with it. He thinks I am just a good friend to her and doesn't know that she loves me and I love her. At first she spelled out a ton of rules about things she wouldn't or couldn't do with and for me and has, over time, systematically broken every one of them. I have never pressured her for actual sex, because I know it would make her very uncomfortable and I'm actually very happy with the high level of physical intimacy that we do have. One time she told me that she kisses me more often than her boyfriend. It seemed to bother her a little but not enough to decrease it any. Now, because her life is very complicated, I have been extremely patient and generous with my time and money and have solved a number of crisis' for her. I have always been kind and gentle with her and I am of a non-violent and non-threatening nature. She says many times that when she is with me she feels totally "safe" and it's what attracted her to me in the first place. I recently drove 100 miles to rescue her, her boyfriend, his kid, her kid (both of which usually live out of state, but were here for the summer) and their dog from a campground at a local lake when their car blew up on the boat ramp. I then loaned her a $1000 to fix the car so she could get to work. On average I give her about $1100 a month to help her out and to compensate her for the time she spends with me as she usually blows off work to see me and isn't getting paid. So here's the problem (as if there aren't enough problems already?) As I told you, I usually see her about twice a week. Sometimes, we have a date scheduled and something in her life makes her very late or not show up at all. She rarely calls me to say she can't make it and let's me hang for days before calling to make a new date. I can't call her because the boyfriend would get suspicious if I called her at home and she can't receive calls at work. When she does call, she often calls from work. Even when nothing is going wrong she makes me wait one to three hours past the time she said she'd be there. Often she shows up and says she had to run a few errands or make dinner or take a shower, all stuff that she could have planned better. Anyhow, she went on a 10 day trip without him (to take her kid back "home" to his father, who has custody) this last 2 weeks and I begged her to call me while she was gone so we could stay in touch. This has happened many times before. She never calls. Each time I have tried to tell her how much it hurts me to be taken so for granted and treated so casually. Of course she didn't call and I got totally blown out. She knows I will always be there for her when she gets back so, apparently, I'm just not important enough to think about when I'm not there. So, after numerous broken dates and no calls and very little apology, when I saw her two days ago, I told her that I just couldn't take the stress of feeling like she never thinks of me when we are not together. She had no trouble calling me when she was in trouble, but has never called or emailed just to say she was thinking of me. So I told her that I couldn't see her any more. The genuine joy and euphoria I feel when we are together are outweighed by the pain of her making it obvious that she just doesn't have the depth of feeling for me that I have for her. So I chose to end it and take the terrible pain all at once rather than die a little each time she blows me off. Now, I am so miserable, I just want to cry all day. I miss her terribly and don't know what to do. When I broke up with her, she was very upset and both of us cried and it was very emotional but she never said anything to indicate that she wanted to fight for me. So now I wish I hadn't done it, but it's too late. She said she'd pay me the $1000 as soon as she could, but I don't hold out much hope for anything. Sorry this was so long, I know you are busy, but this is the first love crisis I've had in 35 years and I'm a little out of practice. I just don't know how to cope with it. Hello! First, let me tell you this: I've heard this story - and been through it with many friends myself - many, many times. I know exactly what you're going through and even exactly how you feel. I'm going to help you here the best I can via email, but I strongly urge you to consider some personal coaching time as there's far more involved here than I can give you via email. You can get information on coaching from my website at: http://beingaman.com. Now, here are the facts that you're going to have to come to grips with: 1) This woman is a prostitute. That is what she is and what she does. Just because she only has one "client" (you) makes no difference. 2) This woman does NOT love you like you love her, and yes, I noticed how you avoided using that term. 3) The only reason that she spends any time with you is because you pay her and solve her problems for her. 4) She doesn't really give a shit about you, your life, your situation - only as far as how it affects her getting your money and support. 5) I don't care what she tells you or "shows" you or anything else. These points are exactly spot-on and you're going to have to come to grips with them. Tom, I know you don't want to hear any of this, but let me be absolutely frank here: you've been used, taken, had. The feelings that you have for her are absolutely NOT returned to you in any way. Until you wake up and get out of this love-induced cloud you're in, you're never going to get through this and heal. Trust me on this - I know what I'm talking about. The minute you dumped her, she began thinking about the next guy she could seduce in order to keep her income going. This is a business to her - that's all. She feels NOTHING, NADA, ZIP. You are bearing the brunt of all of this by yourself - she's already over you. My brother, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is the time you need to hear these things. This is the very first step on getting healthy again, and believe me: you are anything but healthy right now. You'll get there, but learning to accept these facts 100% is the very first step. Best regards... Who is REALLY the Problem
Here? Dear Doctor, I am not so sure you will answer mine, because I have tried to get answers elsewhere from other's and no one will touch it, but I will try and see. I just read your “Dazed and Confused” article and it helped me a bit too, but I have a situation that I would like to hear about from an outside, male point of view. For the record, I am female and this is about my boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months and a "friend" of his. Here it goes.......... On a Thursday night he calls me at 6pm to say he is going to a male friend’s house to work on a vehicle---I figure it is really out of character for him to go out so late, but believed him just the same. He says he will call me when he gets back. No call by 10pm, so I try to call him---no answer. I go to bed and sleep. The next morning I get up to go to his house, I find a card from a woman friend of his that is very provocative and sexually suggestive with him and how she likes it. Then I proceed to the bathroom to find a "used" condom in the trash. I call him on his cell phone immediately to tell him of my findings. He acts confused and says he has no idea what I am talking about, except the card in his room on his dresser. He owns up to that and says he forgot to throw it away. He tells me to leave things as they are and he will take care of them when he gets home. His phone records show that he called the female friend in the afternoon at 5pm and that she called him back at 6pm when we were on the phone. He said he had to take the call, it was his boss—so he lied here. I left to go to work and came back later to have him tell me that he had had friends that stopped by while he was out that Thursday night ---although, they supposedly did not tell him that they were stopping, nor did he "see" them. According to him, they borrowed the house to "play"; thus the condom. And for the card, he told me that his friend did give it to him and he told her that it was not appropriate as he and I are in a relationship. She stopped by to see him, before he left for the male friend's house after they spoke on the phone. He says he did NOT do anything with her and still says the same 2 months later. She became quite obsessed after that and started leaving notes around his house, so he had the locks changed to keep her out and supposedly "talked to her and told her to stop it!!" I was not allowed to be around when the phone call took place. He felt it would case too much conflict. Now, the lock has been changed and for 1 month he kept it locked but now he keeps "forgetting" to lock it and once he lost his keys in the driveway and did not go back to lock it, because he was "late" for work. I know the keys were not outside, they were on his desk, but I did not argue the point. Should I believe that he did NOTHING with this female friend that night? He did admit to being with her shortly before he and I got together. I am in love with him and I don't really want to end it, but I am not sure if I can keep going on with this, because I feel the lies are keeping us from being together completely. Yes, I do know that he has lied to me before and he knows I know. For example, he told me that another female friend of his knew about me, but when I called to talk to her if she knew me, she said she did not, so I asked him about this and he said he had kept me a secret from her. She lives in another town about 45 minutes away, so it was easy to keep me a secret from her. He apologized a few times for keeping me a secret and said that he felt his private life was HIS private life and she just did not need to know. But he did say he was sorry and he said he takes full blame for that Am I crazy for staying in this relationship? Am I the only one to try to make this work fully and monogamously? Please help me and tell me from your side. And please be bluntly and honest – I NEED that. Respectfully, Painfully in love, Hello! I answer every email I get - even the "tough" ones. However, I don't think you're going to like my answer. Let's begin here with you: what in the hell are you doing going to his house when he's not there, looking through his trash, checking his cell phone, reading his mail, calling his ex-girlfriends, etc.? You found some things you don't like - big deal. What I tell people is this: any "evidence" found during the commission of a crime is inadmissible! You have absolutely no idea what the context of any of this is! Perhaps his friends really DID come over and bang it out when he wasn't there. Perhaps he really DID call his "friend" and tell her those things, etc. I can see exactly why he lies to you. You've told him through your actions (and likely, words) that he can't be honest with you. Don't blame him for this - you've created it yourself. That's a terrible foundation for a "relationship". Now, let's deal with the trust issues: you're making a huge mistake here about what trust is and where it comes from. It DOES NOT come from what he does or says. It comes entirely from within you. Let me give you an example: if he were to promise to pick something up for you from the store, or to take your car in for an oil change, etc., would you "trust" him to do it? Of course you would. Here's why: because if he didn't do these things, so what? You'd just do them yourself and be fine with it. Here, you're expecting him to do and say things to make you trust him. Then, because you actually lack belief in yourself (specifically, the belief to be a good partner to him, the belief that he wants to be only with you, the belief that he is in love with you, etc.), you feel you have to sneak around behind his back and find evidence that frankly, isn't real evidence at all. The only real (read: absolute) evidence you can have is to actually find him with someone else. Now, all of this said, he may be running around behind your back. Frankly, neither you nor I know, but that really isn't the issue here. What is at issue are your goals. What do you want in your life? What do you want in your relationship? Do you want to be with someone that you love, trust, respect, etc., or do you want to be with someone you have none of these things for? If your current relationship isn't giving these things to you, don't sit around waiting to see if it eventually will. Make some decisions about your own life and go make them happen. If that involves having a sit-down with your boyfriend (I think it should), then do it, but don't expect him to try to make you feel right about things, and don't just make assumptions about his wants being the same as yours. Instead, really listen to what he wants and compare it to what you want. If they match, then you need to get started working on yourself to solve these issues you have with mistrust, spying, etc. If not, then its time to move on. Best regards... Dear Dr. Neder, I really need your advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems about my neediness and his independence. I have a hard time finding a balance. I'm the type who always enjoys quality time with my boyfriend every chance we get, however, he's the type who needs his space and likes to hang out with the guys. We don't see each every day, maybe twice a week and on the weekends. I'm trying to work on being more independent, and not have him be the source of my happiness. What can I do to be more independent and less needy? I know my insecurities cause a strain on our relationship. I think he'd rather spend time with his friends than spend time with me. I need to work on being more secure with myself. Please help me! Thank you so much. Hello! I agree. Seeing someone 4 days out of 7 - a majority - should be enough for you both to work on your relationship. The #1 thing you can do for yourself is to sit down and work on your goals. Right now, I'll bet you don't have any. There are 5 main areas of your life: relationship, physical (health), family and friends, spiritual and education/work. Have you sat down to really consider what your goals in these areas are? Each one should have at least one future goal attached. Some will have more - as many as 10 major goals for some people! That is a lot of work just determining what these goals are. But consider the work involved in getting there - that takes time and effort. Once you've established what these goals are, the next step is to set the plan to achieve them. What resources will you need? What people are important to accomplishing your goals? What new skills do you need? There are a hundred such questions you need to ask yourself. But setting these goals is only the first set; creating the plan is the second. Once this is done you have to actually get moving on accomplishing them! Determine your benchmarks - in other words, how will you know that you are moving along the path to accomplishing your goals and more important: how will you know when you've reached them? You might find that 3 days a week just isn't enough time to work on all these goals and that you actually need less time with your boyfriend. Further, this will help you change the focus of your life from your relationship (exclusively) to other things that are important to you. What's most important here however isn't just doing something - it's in whom you will become by setting out on the journey. That's what goals do - they change you and make you grow. In growing and becoming more, do you also think you'll become a better partner for your boyfriend? You bet. By the way - do you know the difference between a "dream" and a "goal"? Just two things: 1) a specific outcome (not "I want to make more money", but "I want to make an additional $1,200 per month") and 2) a specific timeframe ("I will earn an additional $1,200 per month by December, 2005." Best regards... Men - do you want a great way to get her "ready and receptive"? Learn to give a great massage! Touching her with strength and finesse says so many things about you - like you're going to spend some time on her - you're not going to just get in, get off and bolt. Not only will a great massage relax her, but it will help her get in the mood for more. If you want to be the guy she has to see again - give a great massage. Prepare the Area You want to be in a private, quite place with you give a sensual massage. Make sure that the phone is off the hook, and that you're not going to be bothered by the door, kids, animals, etc. Select some soothing music and turn off the lights except for lighting some candles - preferably scented. What, you don't have these at your place? This might be a good time to invest in a "Massage Kit". You're also going to need a couple of sheets - one to cover your work area, (you don't want massage oil staining your couch!), and another to cover her. If she feels "exposed" or cold she isn't going to relax and let you, ah, work - yeah work! So, as you work, uncover only the area you want to massage. Then, cover it again to keep the area warm. As you massage the skin, blood flows into that area. This blood causes the area to redden and to warm. You don't want this to turn to chill, so be sure to cover your finished areas. Finally, you should also have some water available. Many people feel thirsty after a massage. This is because working muscles causes all sorts of chemicals to be released into the body. Massage Methods You've probably heard of all types of massage techniques - Shiatsu, Swedish, Rolfing, etc., are all different types of massage with different goals. Don't worry about all of this. You don't need to focus on the type of massage - only the goal. Your goal should be to sooth and relax your er, victim! In the next sections, we'll explore this in greater detail. When you give a massage keep in mind the following points:
Now, let's explore each of these points: Massage Muscle, Not Skin Try this: rub your fingers gently over the skin of your arm. Now, press harder and move the skin without dragging your fingers across it. This is the difference between caressing and a massage. Remember that massages are for muscles below the skin - not for the skin itself. You want a deep, penetrating effect - not something superficial. This is because the nerves in the skin tire very quickly. Further, many people are ticklish - not just on their feet, but all over their bodies! You want a massage to be relaxing and focused - not an irritant! As well, you want to stay away from bones. By pressing hard on the skin just over a bone, you're going to cause pain - not pleasure (well, to some, pain IS pleasure - but that's another article!) Unless you know your human anatomy you're probably not going to know where your woman's bones are; so, before you begin rubbing an area, make sure that the tissue below the skin is soft. In fact, use the relatively softness to determine how hard to press. For example, press your fingers into your relaxed stomach. This softness tells you that there are no bones below your fingers - only organs. You don't want to press into an area like this very hard. On the other hand, when you press your fingers into your thigh, you can feel how firm the tissue feels here. This is because of the underlying bone. When you're massaging a woman's back, shoulders, legs or arms, look for this firmness as a good place to work. Work on Large Muscle Groups There are only a few of them in the body - mostly in the neck, back, shoulders and legs. By concentrating on the large muscle groups, not only is your massage more efficient - you are getting the largest source of body tension - but you're also preventing damage. On either side of the spine are large muscle groups (called "Latissimus Dorsi" if you care to know). These are the long, strong muscles that keep you standing up - and are great places to work. Again, you have to be careful here, because just underneath these muscles are the ribs - and you know how ticklish some people are here! Use Firm, Even Pressure Pressure that is too light or inconsistent (light, heavy and light again), can be as uncomfortable as too much pressure. Be sure to use an even amount - not too hard, and not too light when giving a massage. In fact, it is better to start out somewhat lightly and ask if she wants more. Gently increase your strength until she indicates that it is enough. Use a Lubricant You should never try anything but the most minor of massages without lubricating the skin. For example, if you want to rub her shoulders that's one thing. If you're going to give a skin-to-skin massage, always use a lubricant. Lubes help to both prepare the skin and to protect it. Don't use Vaseline or Wesson oil to massage her - you want the lubricant to be absorbed by the skin. You should also stay away from lubes that are absorbed too quickly like hand lotions. Why not pick up lightly scented massage oil - you'll definitely use it! Just Follow the Numbers Ok, so how do you progress? First, your lady should be undressed (oh - you dog you!) and lying on her stomach. Make sure her hair is out of the way of your "work area". Next, pick up the lubricant or oil you have selected and squeeze some onto your palm. Don't drip it directly on her skin - it may be cold. You can rub your hands together to warm both the oil and your skin. Even on a hot evening, try to make sure you're your hands warmer than the air. This difference helps remind her to relax. Next follow these steps:
Remember, once you start the massage, her skin will absorb the oil or lotion you applied to your hands. So, continue to re-lube regularly. Also, humans are "bilateral" - that is we have a balance between the right and left. Don't neglect one side for the other - keep things balanced. The "Master's" Massage Ready to graduate? Learn to give a great foot massage! When you're massaging someone's feet, you've got to be careful, as many women are ticklish here. If you drag your fingers over the feet lightly, she's liable to flinch - negating the work you've already done in getting her relaxed. When you work the feet remember that there are many areas - each with their own needs. So, start with the heel. Firmly grab her heel and push it up toward her leg, pull it down and work it side to side. The heel contains a number of very small, very strong muscles. Next, work your thumbs on the under side (called the "plantar" side) of her foot (in general, or unless she asks, avoid the top of the feet). Again, use deep slow pressure with the tips of your thumbs - don't do it too gently or it's going to feel like you're tickling her. Work the balls of her feet and in between her toes. Also, pull on each toe for about 10 seconds - don't jerk, just give a smooth, strong tug. In general the feet of even small women are very strong. They can take a much more intense massage than the rest of her, but be sure to watch her reactions. Further, ask her what she likes, and follow her directions! The Ending - The Beginning Once you've completed the massage, get a soft towel to wipe her body down. This is just to remove any remaining lotion or oil, and to let her know that the massage is over. What's That - She's Drooling?? Actually, professional massage therapists use sleep or even drooling as a sign they've done their job well. Don't take it as an insult - just realize she's really into what you're doing! Financial Accounting in
Relationships Dr. Neder, I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I am 27 and he is 31. My boyfriend has not slept home in his own apartment, which he shares with his brother, in almost 2 months. He likes the heat at 85. I like it at 70. My electric bill for my one-bedroom apartment came the other day, and it was $191. I was annoyed. I feel like he should pay for it. I also feel like he should be paying some of the rent if he's going to be staying at my house every night. Not to be too precocious, but the fact of the matter is, he's getting all the benefits of living with me: sex, my company, waited on hand and foot, and he's not paying for it! I'm annoyed at the very least. My friends say he should pay the difference in the electric bill. I don't think that's enough. I don't think we're ready to move in together, but I think he should be helping me out more. In his defense, he does bring me dinner every night and pick up soda and cat food and he owns a gas station so I get free gas. There are definite financial perks, but I feel like he's living with me for free. Can you advise? Thanks. Hello! If you want a roommate - and for this to become a business deal - stop being the "girlfriend" and start being a landlord. In regards to the "benefits" of sex and your company: that's pretty damn arrogant! You TOO are getting those benefits! If you weren't all you'd need to do is get fresh batteries for your vibrator and spend more time with your cat! As far as the electric bill, it sounds like you're more than compensated with the free gas, pet food, dinners, etc. If all you're looking for is a ledger accounting, pull out a sheet of paper and make a list, draw a balance and give him a bill - or pay your own half if goes his way. Relationships are rarely "equitable". In fact, it's usually the GUY that pays by far the most, not the girl. That doesn't mean that money has to exchange hands however. It means that there should be some trade-offs. For instance, if your boyfriend is buying you dinner every night, that's easily going to add up to far more than the electric bill. Thus, you're actually saving money here! If you wait on him "hand and foot", that's your choice - and your "investment" in this relationship. Things like rent, cable and other hard costs are things you'd have to pay anyway if he wasn't there, so no, you shouldn't expect him to pay for these things. If your utilities go way up, and you can't afford to pay for them - even though he's paying for other (much more expensive) things, then you have a financial problem that he's not going to solve for you! Look, I'm not trying to take the guy's side here, but it seems that YOU are in control of what happens. If you don't like it, boot his ass out and make him sleep at his own place. Don't trade sex and love for money. We have names for women like that and I don't think you're one of them. Best regards... Why are Beautiful Women
Crazy? Let's face it - sometimes we men thing ALL women are crazy! The fact is - everyone is crazy sometimes. Yes - even you (maybe ESPECIALLY you - you be the judge). That is, everyone does things that others perceive as crazy. Many women seem to be particularly prone to acts of craziness. Beautiful women are even more so. What makes beautiful women more likely to be crazy? The simple answer is, that they are given more opportunity to be crazy, and crazy behavior seems to be more readily accepted from them. That is, they learn crazy behavior and that they can get away with it. Further, we men often help them along by allowing (even encouraging) craziness in our relationships with them. Before we get too deeply into all of this, let's explore some concepts we'll use in a few moments: *"Crazy" verse "Neurotic" A psychologist friend of mine says, "Neurotics build castles in the sky,psychotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent!" It's important to differentiate "crazy" and "neurotic". Specifically, neurotic behavior can be thought of as individual actions that seem inappropriate, obsessive, or dangerous - particularly in the context of a situation. Crazy behavior is more of a lifestyle and usually involves psychotic activity. It affects almost every aspect of a person's life, and tends to directly impact those that come in contact with the crazy person. We've all heard jokes about "that time of the month" or "being one boy scout short of a jamboree", etc., but you really need to look closely at a new girlfriend's behavior to see how its going to impact you in the long run. You see, she will probably not start off showing you craziness early in your relationship. If she starts saying or doing crazy things when you first meet her, walk away and don't look back - this is the best she's going to be! Here are some examples of crazy behavior:
It is appropriate to note that men can be crazy too. However, because of societal pressures on men, they don't seem to be crazy (or neurotic) quite as frequently as women. In general crazy behavior is not tolerated as readily in men as in women. For the remainder of this article, we'll use the word "crazy" to refer to women that are neurotic or mildly crazy - not the clinically insane. Best Sex You'll Ever Have Yes - it's sad but true; you'll never have sex like the sex you get with crazy women. Why? It seems that acting crazy automatically reduces or eliminates concern for the views of others. They get "used to" being viewed by others and learn to ignore it, or even revel in the attention it brings. Thus, the crazy lady is more likely to be open to new ideas, especially sex. However, always remember that crazy women are not necessarily more sexual - this is a common misconception of the past. The one exception to this is the obsessive woman who focuses too heavily on what people think. However, this tends to be more of a self-image issue than true neurotic behavior. Crazy Is As Crazy Does Actions speak louder than words - it really doesn't matter what she says. In fact, unless you're well versed in translating "Womenese" into English, focus 90 to 95% of your attention on her actions. Watch what she does. Does she need to rub the body of an airplane before she boards it for good luck? Does she make weekly visits to a tarot card reader? Will she avoid making decisions until she gets the advice of "Boots", her cat? There are many highly intelligent women that are crazy. Why does this make a difference? Because, many of these intelligent women are also usually high-functioning. That is, they; despite their mental states, can proceed through life without severe barriers. They make others around them think that they are perfectly sane and rational. So much so that many people simply brush off their crazy behavior as eccentric. You Don't Have To Buy Into It! I have an adage that I live by - I ignore all neurotic statements made by normal people, and ANY statement made by neurotic people! Remember, regardless of how beautiful she is you don't have to put up with craziness - especially if it impacts your life! Can you change her? Well, if you're a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or other health care professional - maybe. The next question is, should you? Probably not. The time and effort in trying to change someone's behavior that has likely been learned over a lifetime is enormous. Ok, so what if you're already in a relationship with a crazy woman and you're committed to making it work? First, you should check you own motivations - I know too many men that spend their lives trying to fix their partner's problems. They do this first for their own sense of accomplishment. Then, when they fail it becomes something of a quest - they continue to beat their heads against the wall. If you still think you can change her, the very first thing you need to do is let her know that you will absolutely not accept any further crazy behavior - in other words, you expect her to act sane. When she beings an "episode", bring her back to reality and have her confirm it. For example, a black cat crosses your path and she freaks, say, "Honey, black cats have no meaning and we left superstition back in the last millennium - right?" Frankly, for some people it is next to impossible, especially if she really has some organic problem. Remember however, we're talking about neurotic women here, not the clinically insane. What do you do when she slips back into neurotic behavior? Bring the specific action to her attention immediately and remind her that you will not tolerate it. Then, take her home and tell her that when she decides to be rational, she can call you - but not before. In order for this to work, you're going to have to be consistent. If you let your guard down even once, you're opening the door for more of that zaniness, and you'll have to start back at square one. You should also get her into some type of counseling as quickly as you can. Many productive lives have been saved by a few sessions with someone trained to recognize and redirect neurotic behavior. Neurotic behavior can sometimes get worse if not treated. Many men, having originally gone for the "10's" are settling for the "7's", "8's" and "9's" in order to get away from all the drama. I also believe that this is at least one of the reasons why you see so many beautiful women on the arms of older guys (besides the obvious - money, power, etc.) These guys are better able to handle all the wackiness of being with these women. So, what's it going to be - a crazy trophy, or a
sane, down to earth pretty girl? You decide. Ok, so you've been on three dates together and you're ready for something a little bit more, er, "mature". How do you go about making that first move? This article will explore that important, terrifying step. Men: unless you're James Bond (by the way - you're not!) she probably isn't going to excuse herself and "slip into something more comfortable". If she does, it's probably going to be some flannel pajamas, slippers, and a bathrobe - a sign that she's ready for you to leave! Women expect that you know when to make your move. Further, they expect you to be sophisticated and smooth about it. Clumsy, boyish behavior doesn't fit with her image of being "swept off her feet", and you don't really want this critical step to end in laughter! The Rules First, let's explore the rules for The First Move: 1) Women control the speed of the relationship - and the sex - not men. 2) Women know if they'll sleep with you within 5 minutes of meeting you. 3) Even if a woman does go out with you, she won't tell you if she plans to sleep with you or not! 4) Women will usually NOT make the first move. 5) If you don't make the right move at the right time, the women will usually think you're weak, an oaf, gay, or just not interested. 6) Women and men view sex differently - women use sex to bond and create intimacy, men use sex to decide if they want to get more intimate. How to Make That "First Move" (for Men): Because of the rules stated above, you have to be somewhat careful of when and where to make your move. You want this to appear spontaneous, and, with the right preparation - you can! These seem to go against each other - prepare to be spontaneous? Yes - remember the 7 "P's": "Prior, Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance!" Give some thought to your moves before using them. This will help to make them appear more comfortable and therefore spontaneous. So, with that introduction, here are the steps: 1) Be sure you're ready - once you begin, you can't go back! Just like that move when you were in High School where you stretch and your arm "just happens" to wind up around your date's shoulder. Also, do you have a condom? You don't? Then forget it! Remember: "No glove - NO LOVE!" 2) Be reasonably sure she's ready. How do you know she's ready? You can't really be 100 percent sure, but you can get pretty close if you just pay attention. First, is she using the right body language? For example:
Also, has she just told you she has an early-morning meeting, or has relatives staying at her place? She is probably telling you that this isn't the right time. In short, be open to clues. 3) Make sure you're in the right place. Once you get things started, you don't want to have to stop and drive somewhere else. Why not get there and then make your move - you'll keep things from cooling off - and possibly a change of heart. Also, make sure that you're in a private setting - even if you're in the back seat of your car. Nothing spoils the mood like someone watching (well, unless you both are into that!) 4) Plan plenty of time Having an appointment in 30 minutes isn't going to create a romantic atmosphere. Be sure you have enough time to really spend getting you both ready. 5) Have a proper "buildup" You don't want to show up at her door, walk in and start putting on the moves. Poor form old buddy! Plan a simple, but romantic date. Don't go to the movies or the theatre - you need time to talk and establish a connection. 6) Ready? Ok, let's go So, what's the first thing you should do? Get your confidence up. Wait for a comfortable break in the conversation. Then, take her hands in yours, draw her close to you and gently kiss her on the lips. Don't shove your tongue down her throat, and don't kiss her like she's your grandmother. Make it linger just a little too long, and give her a chance to respond. You might also want to offer a back or foot massage - these are almost impossible to resist! 7) When she's ready to move, she'll usually let you know But, what if she doesn't? Some women let you take charge when they're ready. You can start by kissing her neck and gently nibbling on her lower lip. Brush your nose gently around hers. Explore her neck and face with yours. Run your hands around her back, then slowly to her ass. Note her reactions. 8) Don't go for the "goodies" until you've spent some time earning them! If you're in a hurry to get her out of her clothes, she'll assume that you're just as fast at everything else. Let things build on their own - at their own pace. Let them move along slowly, don't force them - or get in the way of them either! How to Make That "First Move" (for Women): Frankly, this is a lot easier for women. You probably already know what to do. Here's a checklist: 1) Make sure you're ready. If you're trying to seduce him just because you're afraid of losing him, you're not in the best place and should reconsider. Also, you should carry condoms on you. Remember - you both are responsible for preventing the spread of disease and unwanted children! 2) Don't worry about him - he's ready! 3) Ask him to go some place more private - like your place You don't really need to go into anything more than this - the invitation is all that's necessary. 4) Let him know that you're ready If you're not comfortable just telling him (few women are!), let him know in other ways. Use open body language, get close to him and use physical contact, lay your head on this chest, use eye contact, talk "sex", etc. 5) Important - give the conversation a break! This is the most often missed aspect of the first move. If he is politely listening to you and you go on and on without a break - where's he supposed to jump in? If you're nervous, this is especially difficult. Just try to be aware of your conversation. 6) There is nothing wrong with you making the first move You absolutely can put your hands on either side of his face and kiss him. In fact, some men actually wait for this because they don't know when to make a move themselves. You can even tell him that you're ready. 7) Feeling bold? I've had many women tell me that they were ready by standing up and stripping for me, or take off their blouse and turn to walk into the bedroom. I mean, how obvious do you need to get? If this doesn't work for him, you've got the wrong guy! 8) Help him along This is a strange thing to say, but many women don't understand that their men might not know what to do - or at least what you like. If you don't tell him (or subtly show him), how's he going to know? Believe me, men don't read minds! First-Sex Etiquette Many people don't know what to do after the first sexual experience with a new partner. At least the first time, don't plan to spend the night. Why not? If you do, you'll probably need your regular things for the morning - toothbrush, deodorant, denture cream, (just kidding!), etc. If you whip out the overnight kit, all of your work making this a spontaneous event will be lost. Also, don't just jump up grab your clothes and bolt! Spend some time cuddling or at least telling stories and having a laugh. This doesn't have to be deep and intimate - just spend some time saying that you enjoyed each other. You might want to grab some dessert out of the fridge, or watch the end of an old movie. Men - if you want an encore performance, this step is critical! Finally, have fun! This isn't the end - it's the
beginning! Doctor: What do men really want out of life? Do they really want to get married or do they just want to have sex with whomever until they get old or do they have to feel alone before they make the step into a relationship? What do men really think of women and what do they expect out of women? You hear a lot of points of views from women on how men should act and what they think they should do. I want to know a man's point of views on relationships, getting married and being alone. I have found out that a lot of groups that are for men and women only favor their own sex. And why do you tell men and women to have sex in their relationship if they are not married you know it causes one or the other to form an attachment or love which in turn hurts when the other doesn't feel the same way about you. Hello! Well, aren't we full of questions this morning! First, I don't believe that there is any one "model" that fits all men or all women. Everyone is different and is motivated by different things. With that said however, I do believe that marriage and commitment isn't as attractive to most men as it is to most women, and I think that's what the bulk of your questions are about. Men struggle every single day to meet the goals that are imposed on them by society. Sure, you're thinking, "Well, so do women!" but there's a difference. Men's impositions have been around for a long time and are actually the fabric of our society and culture. Women's are more "self-imposed". For instance, men are expected to hold down steady jobs, provide for themselves and their families and to do everything (including in relationships) with "honor". That means being up-front and direct. Women are under no such obligation! For instance, when a woman loses her job, she may be concerned, but it doesn't relate directly to her self-image. Men's jobs ARE directly related in this way. Men that don't provide for themselves and their families are looked down upon and ridiculed by society! I'm sure you even know of direct examples of this. Another example comes directly from relationships. I hear women say all the time, "Well, he wasn't up-front about things from the beginning..." ...and therefore he's a "dog" or a "pig" or something else. However, women are NEVER up-front about their intentions in relationships! Studies have continued to show that women have all sorts of tools they use to get guys to expose their agenda's up front without having to do so themselves! I've never heard any woman (or man for that matter) chastise a woman for this! In fact, it's even glorified and made to seem "cute" by the modern media! With commitment, consider that men and women view this very differently too. For example, women view commitment as security, future, family, love, closeness, support and many other "good" things. Men view commitment (and likewise, marriage) as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice, a life of toiling to meet the demands of that relationship, and many other "bad" things! These are very common feelings among most men. Yes, some men want to get married and yes, some men just want to have a lot of sexual partners throughout the rest of their lives. These are both valid goals, but it depends on the individual. Most women (not all) would prefer to enter into married arrangements and even our laws support women in doing so - against men! Men rarely come out ahead in divorces for instance, or family custody battles, or just about anything involved with dissolution. Frankly, with all the problems involved, I'm actually surprised that anyone gets married at all! As to why I tell people that they should have sex before getting married, it's because I believe that our sexualities are the most powerful part of our personalities. By learning about this so-powerful aspect of ourselves, we also learn about how we can function within married situations. People say that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, and I agree. However, it's in the top three! That makes it significant enough to stress it as a priority. Anyone that gets married without having explored the other person's (and their own) sexuality is simply assuming that an unhealthy relationship is acceptable, and that they'll handle the consequences when they come to them. That's absurd! Marriage isn't a passing thought - it's a life long commitment! Further, nobody falls in love because they have sex. That is a fallacy. If it were true, there'd be a lot fewer marriages, and a lot more vibrator sales! People (particularly women) ALLOW themselves to fall in love with an ideal - not the real person. This generally comes from an immature idea of sex and relationships - something that can be solved by exploring sex in a more healthy way! Considering the benefits a person gains through sexual experience I can't think of a better answer than to recommend and encourage it. Best regards... I have been dating a man for two years now. The first year was filled with cheating and lies (on his part - I am as loyal as they come). We moved in together after he did some soul searching and since then things have been great. I finally feel that I can trust him and actually have felt 95% sure of our relationship. I do everything for him that I can because I love it, in all areas of a relationship. However, over the past two weeks there have been a few things that have caused me some concern. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like "something’s up". He's not distant and nothing has changed, but I am getting that gut feeling over a few small things, like, the cell phone ringing and he isn't answering it saying it is a friend that he doesn’t want to talk to. Today when I met him for lunch he had a notepad on his desk and broke his arm to turn it over so I couldn't see it. I don't know what to do. It is affecting my behavior as he has asked me if something is wrong. I say nothing and "pretend" everything is fine. I am sick over it. What should I do? I think that I should continue to be wonderful and if something is up it will eventually surface, but I am feeling like a cow being let to slaughter. How would you handle this? Please help me!! Hello! First, you have no proof of anything - you're just feeling insecure about it. Is that really something to hinge the relationship on? I don't think so. It's not unusual to have feelings of insecurity at times. These will fade - unless you inflict them on the relationship! Then, you're going to have to deal with the mistrust issues on their own merit because you lack proof. Speaking of trust, let's discuss that for a moment: "Trust" is something that comes from inside of you - not outside. Nobody can "make you trust them." That just isn't how trust works. Let me give you a few examples: do you "trust" him to pick up something from the store when he promises? Do you "trust" him to meet you at the airport? Of course you do. You see, you "trust" not because you absolutely know a thing is going to happen. You "trust" because of the weight YOU put on that issue and how YOU can handle it if it doesn't work out. If he forgets to get bread, you can just run out and get it yourself, and your relationship will be saved. If he gets stuck in traffic, you'll pick up your cell phone and determine that he's on his way and you'll live happily ever after. Your trust for him within the relationship works the same way. When you know that you are the key component in your own happiness, nobody else can make that happen for you. Feelings of insecurity that creep in from time to time won't have an affect on your relationship because you trust yourself to make the right judgments and the right choices. If you actually determined that he was unfaithful to you, even that wouldn't affect your trust! The reason is that you'd say, (as I would, since you asked how I would handle this), "Too bad for him - going out for beer when he had champagne at home..." Then, you'd simply move on and find someone that appreciates champagne! The bottom line? Without proof, you don't know that anything either is or isn't going on. Simply suspecting someone isn't enough - everyone goes through periods of interest in other people outside of their relationships - even you. Being attracted to someone isn't the same as starting a relationship with them or having sex with them. It's a natural part of any growing relationship. Best regards... Being a Coward and Taking
It Slow Hey Doc: I met this really beautiful girl last semester. I'm about to turn 35 and she's about to turn 21. I asked her out, and things were going very well between the two of us. We were spending part of almost every day together, with weekends being almost all day. We were going places and having fun, and I even took her on a trip to see her favorite team play. Both of us had never been happier. This was the first relationship for her. I've browsed the Internet, and as far as flirting signals go, she gave me virtually all of them! Well, I wanted to go slow with this girl to show her and her parents I respected her. I met her parents Thanksgiving, and they both seemed to like me then...Not so after Christmas for some reason. They knew there was an age difference, as did she. Everybody seemed fine with it. Then, things started to go bad. I got very sick the first week of December. I was hoping to be able to kiss her about this time, but didn't want to give her my infection. I even gave her candy kisses when we went to the Christmas dance together and told her she could trade them in later for the real thing. She went home for Christmas and was gone for a month. When she returned, I noticed a change in how she was responding to me. In the middle of January, she gave me back the kisses, and demanded that I kiss her "for real". I was still a little sick but finally gave in and gave her a couple of light kisses on the lips. This was her very first kiss. I could tell she seemed disappointed. So I asked her about it. She said she wasn't, but I could tell she was by her body language. From there, everything went downhill. Literally. The next night, she told me she needed time & space, and that she didn't want to date anymore. After numerous calls to her and her avoiding me, I finally got a call from her dad telling me to leave her alone! Do you think it was a confidence issue, or her dad, or a combination of both? Thanks for your help. Hello! Congratulations - you've turned her into a lesbian! (just joking) This "take it slowly" attitude is your undoing. You've completely destroyed any chance you'll ever have with this woman out of that attitude. This is exactly where your lack of confidence was rooted out by her and her family. Women don't want to date other women (unless...well, you know), they want to date MEN. I get letters all the time from women that complain about this very fact. They crave the things that we are as men because it's so different from what they are. By taking it slow, what you're really saying is that you're a coward. You're afraid to move things along at a normal pace. Further, you don't really understand how women think or feel. They want to be swept off their feet by a man that knows what he wants and where he's going. You spent all sorts of time and money on her but never gave her what she really wanted. Do you know what differentiates a "date" from two friends getting together? A kiss! But, not that friendly kiss on the cheek - it's has to be a full mouth, romantic, expressive kiss. It has to say "Hey there's more here than just familiarity." This was her first experience with a pseudo-boyfriend, and it went very poorly. When she meets a real man, she's going to see how things should be - and why you actually harmed her first experience! Sorry ol' boy, that's the way it is. Her father and brother see this, and believe me, their not going to let her get even more of that treatment from you. My brother, do yourself a favor and get your education straightened out. Get a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and learn what the game is really all about. Until you do, you're going to be stuck in this same deadly cycle. I think you deserve more, don't you? Best regards... The "Independent
Woman" - A Recipe for Disaster Dear Dr., I am utterly confused. I met this 44-year-old bachelor a number of months ago. I was not looking for love but he was charming and it just happened. We went very fast because after 20 years of marriage, I did not know how to be a girlfriend just a wife (I am 38). We fought a lot during the first months mostly because he was trying to control me and being an independent woman I fought him. One day when I said I had it (which I did many times before out of fear I would say that so I could protect myself) he accepted and let me go. Three weeks later he called and asked me out to dinner. He said he wanted to be my best friend. Over the next 6 months...he has taken me out to dinner usually once a week...he threw me a surprise birthday party inviting all his friends (I am new so i do not have many friends) ... went on vacation with me and my children.....calls everyday.... but no sex during this period except for once during vacation. Two months ago he pulled back -- calling me everyday but refusing to see me. He gave me many excuses why he wasn’t seeing me. He doesn’t invite me to parties with him anymore (although he never tells me he is going to one – he says he has business meetings) and doesn’t invite me to hang out with him and his friends. After a month of not seeing him at his request, we finally saw each other and spent a wonderful night together. He stayed over but no sex! He said he is not rejecting me, and that it’s him (whatever that means). Do I just let this friendship continue and see where it goes? The problem with that is that I have a deep longing for him. I will not date or sleep with others while we have a chance because that is |
