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Why You Should Live With Her First, BEFORE
You Marry Her
You would think that couples living together first
before getting married would stand a better chance
in having a happy and healthy marriage. They get to
see how one another acts after so long of living
together 24/7. After all, it’s just common
sense, isn’t it? But not according to many
Ph.D.’s studying marriage and family life. But
not that many Ph.D.’s use their commons sense.
They’re college educated, but it doesn’t
mean much if they don’t use their common
sense.
In 2004, a Penn State University study found
that living together before marriage is, in fact,
linked to higher rates of separation and divorce.
Research psychologist Catherine Cohan, a co-author
of the study, says the data suggest it has a lot to
do with the easy-out situation living together
provides, as well as with the type of people who
choose to live together before marriage. "Evidence
indicates that people who live together have more
liberal attitudes toward divorce, are less
religious and lead unconventional lifestyles," she
says. Often, people who choose to live together do
so for convenience, not love. Living together is so
strongly associated with divorce, Cohan says, that
"if you take two identical twins, with all things
being equal, the twin that lived together before
marriage is twice as likely to get divorced as the
other twin."
Cohan is right on much of what she said, but
let’s not say that living together first is a
bad idea just because of these kinds of couples who
are getting a divorce. I mean, come on.
Back in 2004, a major study and research program
was put together by Ph.D.’s from the
University of Wisconsin. It showed that a higher
divorce rate existed among couples living together
before marriage.
Many such studies have been conducted by
Ph.D’s, but, here is where they aren’t
using any common sense. That stat is probably true,
but it’s only because more married couples
lived together first, as opposed to the ones who
didn’t.
It’s estimated that at least three times
more couples live together first. So, for example:
You have 9,000 couples who lived together first,
where as you have 3,000 couples who didn’t. If
you look at the divorces from those 12,000 couples,
then of course you are going to get a higher rate
of live-ins who got a divorce. It’s just
common sense.
Also, could it be that many couples living
together are the ones who are more likely to get a
divorce anyway? The simple fact of living together
is just a coincidence related to divorce, rather
than the actual cause.
Another such study came out in 2004 from the
University of Denver. The Ph.D’s came up with
two reasons why live-ins land up getting a
divorce.
1.) Once a couple starts living together,
it’s harder to break up the relationship.
Either the man or the woman isn’t really that
happy and satisfied, but since he or she spent so
much time living with their significant other,
buying furnishings together, maybe having a child,
etc., that person is more reluctant to leave. They
have “settled.” They let themselves get
in deeper and deeper, and the next thing they know,
they are at the alter hoping for the best.
2.) Many feel pressured to get married, because
they have been living together for so long. Between
the significant other and / or the family, that
person relents. It’s usually the men who are
pressured. Many cases are when it’s both the
man and the woman who are pressured into marriage
by their families. Ph.D.’s aren’t much
for common sense, but they are correct on these two
things.
They are right. Those are the main reasons why
live-ins who get married often land up getting a
divorce. Living together first isn’t what
causes a divorce, it’s the couples themselves
who aren’t thinking. Again, let’s
don’t throw out the idea of living together
first before getting married just because so many
couples don’t think before walking down that
aisle.
A lot of people don’t really pay attention
to what their mate is really like inside, and, if
he / she will make a great spouse, for life. They
tend to ignore the little things that bother each
other. Then, after time, those little things turn
into bigger things. Those little things are part of
what tears a marriage apart. It’s like a
windshield with a tiny little crack in it. If it
isn’t fixed, as time goes on that little crack
will become bigger, and bigger, and bigger, until
finally the windshield has to be thrown out. Just
like the marriage. It doesn’t even matter if
they aren’t living together, because they are
more than likely destined to get a divorce anyway,
because, they weren’t meant to be together for
the rest of their lives.
An unbelievable amount of live-in couples say
that the problems they are having are too
insignificant, and that “things will
improve” after they get married. Again,
let’s not throw out the idea of living
together first because of couples like these.
Not one Ph.D. has bothered to mention any of
this when they came up with their so-called
“research” and them saying that couples
should not live together first. As usual, they
don’t use common sense.
Having weekend sleep-overs won’t work
either because most of the time one or both will be
on their good behavior, and, it’s not long
enough. A weekend sleep-over is far different from
every single day. So, what about those couples who
change after they tie the knot? … Yes, there
are many, many couples who have lived together
first and then later married, only to get a divorce
soon after, because, “things changed.”
They have only themselves to blame.
Things Change After Getting
Married/Testing One Another/Many Couples Compromise
By Getting Engaged While Living
Together
Perhaps you have heard of the saying,
“things change after getting married”?
Ph.D’s say that another reason why so many
live-in couples get a divorce is because things
change after getting married. Just minutes before
walking down that aisle or after getting married,
the thought of, “we are now going to spend the
rest of our lives together” hits one of them
or both of them at the same time. It sinks in. But
what difference dos it make if they are living
together or not? That realization of living
together for the rest of their lives is still going
to hit them, regardless.
Many, NOT ALL, people actually do change when
living together for a certain amount of time. Think
about it: Two human beings living together 24/7.
Practically all people do change, whether it is for
the better or for the worse. That is what living
together will conclude for a couple, whether it
will turn for the worse or for the better.
Isn’t it better to say, "she wasn't like
this before we moved in," than, "she wasn't like
this before we married"?
This is where getting engaged while living
together is such a great idea. It’s a great
test to see if they are REALLY ready for
this…FOR LIFE! Call it a “reality
check,” if you will.
If he wants to live together first before
getting married, and she doesn’t, or vice
versa, they can compromise. They can live together
for, say, six months, and then get engaged. That
way they are one step closer to being more
committed. If the partner refuses even that, they
aren’t being fair. They aren’t even
willing to compromise. Now THAT is a red flag
waving, JUST from that. After all, a marriage is
about compromising, and if the partner can’t
even compromise on that one, well, they better
think long and hard before getting married.
Some of you may be saying, “Well, I
don’t want to test my girlfriend. A
relationship is not about testing one another.
It’s about love and commitment.”
One woman said to me, if you go into it as a
trial, or to test one another, that's what it will
be... and then maybe it is more likely to fail, but
if you do things for the right reasons there's no
real reason to think it will.
A couple can go into it as a trial / a test, AND
for love. You may not realize this, but it is about
both. It’s about seeing if the both of them
are really ready for a lifetime of commitment, AND
it’s about love. Listen, you may be turned off
by the word “test” or “trial,”
but let’s face it, it IS about testing. It IS
about a trial to see if they are right for one
another. A couple needs to know if they are really
ready for a lifetime commitment. Many couples say
to one another, “let’s test one another
to see if we are right for one another,”
whether it be living together or whatever. There is
nothing wrong in that. It is for the right
reason.
Living together first is the first test. Getting
engaged and setting a date a year or so later to
get married to see if “things change” is
the second test. Living together while engaged for
that year, or whatever the time amount is, is the
last test. You can love one another and still see
if you are right for one another.
You may be ready, but don’t you want to
know if she is REALLY ready for it also?
That’s all you need, is a (yet another)
divorce down the road. Think about it!
If you aren’t ready for marriage but you
want your future girlfriend to move in with you,
but she has different views, explain it to her the
same way it was explained to you here. If she still
isn’t convinced, nothing will. Date other
women until you find the one with common sense.
See Perry's other weekly
columns on Dating
or Sex.
Perry
Rose is a syndicated freelance writer for singles
on sex, dating and relationships. He is also the
author of, All About Men: Another Damn Book For
Women About Men. & Women and Sex And
Dating, For The Single Man published by
Intimacy Books. From first getting dates from
complete strangers, to finding that right person to
be with, Intimacy Books has interviewed single men
and women on what they like and want from one
another. The findings were published in Women,
Sex and Dating, for the Single Man. Their site
is bettersexbetterdating.com
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