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Dr. Sandra L. Caron is a professor of human
sexuality at the University of Maine. To submit a
question to Dr. Caron or chat with your peers visit
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Body Image
Desire/Arousal
Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender
Issues
He Goes so Deep He Hits
Bone
I have inverted
nipples
Importance of a
Condom
It is hard being a virgin in
college
Long Distant
Relationships
My boyfriend doesn't get
into sex
Painful Sex
Penis Size
Ovulation
& Sex
Safest Brand of
Condoms
Sexual
Function/Problems
Sexually Transmitted
Diseases
Soreness After
Sex
Why Do Women Always Want
Serious Commitments?
Resources
Related Issues: Sexuality,
Gay/Bi/Trans,
Teen
Sex , Talking
With Kids About Tough Issues
Journals
- on Sexual Abuse and Trauma
Periodicals -Gay/Bi
Books Sexuality,
Gay/bi,
and Transgender.
Sexually Transmitted
Diseases
Q from a Female, Senior Texas A&M: What
are the symptoms of genital warts?
A: Genital warts are determined by
visible inspection. HPV (human papilloma virus)
causes genital warts, which is a very common virus,
infecting about 1 out of every 4 sexually active
people. The warts typically appear on the genitals
as soft, pink, painless single or multiple growths
resembling a small cauliflower. In men, they may
appear on the penis, foreskin, and scrotum, and
within the urethra. In women, they may be found on
the vulva, in the vagina, and on the cervix. The
warts begin to appear 1-3 months after contact and
are diagnosed visibly at a health clinic
specializing in sexually transmitted infections.
They may be removed by freezing, burning,
dehydration with an electrical needle, or surgery.
Although such treatments may remove the warts,
please be aware that they do not rid the body of
the virus - so there may be recurrences.
Q from a Female, Senior student at the
University of Maine: Can you get genital herpes
from someone with a cold sore giving you oral
sex?
A: Yes. Genital herpes infection is
caused by exposure to the herpes simplex virus type
1 (HSV 1) or herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV 2)
through sexual contact. HSV 1 initially was
associated with oral infection (cold sores and
fever blisters around the mouth) and HSV 2 with
genital infection (blisters on the penis or vulva).
Over the past 30 years, however, the increased
popularity of oral sex has led to an almost equal
probability of transferring either form from mouth
to genitals and vice versa. The two viruses are not
different clinically, as both cause the same
painful symptoms. A person with blisters on the
mouth cannot only transfer the virus to another
person’s genitals, and vice versa, but a
person with herpes can transfer it to other parts
of his or her own body by touch, including the
eyes, as well (this is called autoinoculation). A
2-12 day incubation period follows transmission of
the virus. There is no cure, but there is treatment
to speed the healing of the painful blisters. An
estimated 20-30 million people are presently
infected with genital herpes in the U.S. You should
know that the virus can be easily spread by even a
quick, casual kiss and thus it should not be
assumed that a person with oral herpes got it from
performing oral sex. By the way, not all mouth
ulcers are caused by the herpes virus; they can
also be caused by bacteria, allergic reactions, or
autoimmune (canker sores) responses. However,
“fever blisters” and most cold sores are
herpes.
Body Image
Q from a Female, Sophomore Cal State -Fullerton:
Why are women made to feel unattractive if they
are average-looking as opposed to
model-looking.
A: If by "average-looking" you mean the
majority of women, then logically the majority must
be attractive since they attract others and the
human race continues. If only people who look like
models were attractive, the birth rate would drop
precipitously. Not all men look for the same
characteristics, despite the messages from the
media about the ideal female form. In fact, over
time the ideal changes. I have a friend who's rosy
gentle curves would make her an ideal in the 17th
century. Relax and look for a guy who's ideal is
not the media stereotype.
Sexual Function/Problems
Q from a Female, Sophomore student at Tennessee
State: Me and my boyfriend have been together
for 4 months. When we have sex I can't come. I
think I can do it but I'm not sure, this upsets my
boyfriend as he thinks I don't get pleasure from
sex with him but I do. Can you help me??
A: It is not uncommon for women to have
problems reaching orgasm early on in a sexual
relationship. It takes time to get to know what is
possible when the two of you are together. It
sounds like you need to spend some time finding out
what is pleasurable for you.
Are you comfortable touching your own body? Once
you know what feels good - you will be better able
to point your partner in the right direction. It's
also important to know that most women need direct
stimulation of the clitoris for orgasm to
occur.
As far as penis-in-vagina sex: this tends to be
an ineffective method for many women to reach
orgasm. The clitoris is located too far from the
vaginal opening to receive adequate stimulation
from thrusting alone. It is not surprising to hear
you have not reached orgasm this way. Your
boyfriend needs to know this and be educated as
well.
I suggest you begin by familiarizing yourself
with your own body. One book that has been helpful
for many women in your situation is, For Each
Other, by Lonnie Barbach (see suggested books on my
website). Her book discusses female anatomy,
pleasure, and touching, as well as how to
communicate your needs and desires to your partner.
I think your boyfriend would benefit from reading
this with you.
Remember: Every woman is unique. The only way he
will know how to please you is if you understand
yourself. Best wishes!
Q from a Female, Senior student at Miami
University: I am never able to fully attain an
orgasm. Whether with my boyfriend, or while
masturbating, I always reach the point where I feel
an orgasm coming, and then my body becomes
completely numb for a few moments. After, I feel
overly sensitive, as though I've just had an
orgasm.
What can I do to stop "freezing" and start
feeling the orgasm? I've had orgasms in the past,
but not in a few years. I've never experienced
anything sexually traumatic, and my relationship
with my boyfriend is very fulfilling, so what could
the problem be?
A: It is not uncommon for women to have
problems reaching orgasm. It takes time to get to
know your body and how it works - what feels good
and what is a turn-on. You say you reach a point
where things become numb. One suggestion is to move
toward orgasm more slowly. Another is to stimulate
the area around the clitoris rather than
directly. In fact, some women find that direct
stimulation of the clitoris is way too sensitive,
and they shut down. So try to begin by gently
stimulating the area around the clitoris, and then
"back off" every few minutes before returning to
stroking your clitoris. Allow yourself to build
toward the orgasm. The other suggestion is to
purchase a vibrator (sold as body massager in most
stores), and use that either alone or with your
partner to explore what feels good. One book I
would recommend is For Yourself, by Lonnie Barbach.
It may offer you some valuable insight.
Breaking Up/Relationship In
Crisis
Q from a Female, Junior student at University of
Florida: I broke up with my boyfriend over a
year ago, but I can't stop thinking about him. I've
dated other guys, but nobody seriously. Will I ever
get over him?
A: Probably. One year isn't really a long
time to still be thinking about your old boyfriend,
especially when you haven't established another
serious relationship. It's important to look at why
you still think about him. Is it the relationship
with him that you miss, or just having a
relationship? Why did you break up? Often times it
can be easier to remember the good times with your
boyfriend, while forgetting why the relationship
didn't work out. Remember: One of our tasks in life
is learning to let go. It's hard.
Why Do Women Always Want
Serious Commitments?
Question from a male junior at MIT: Why do
women always want serious commitments? I've never
been able to have just a casual dating relationship
with anyone I've ever dated.
Dr. Caron's Answer: I think it's true,
generally, that many (not all) women prefer
commitment to casual dating relationships. You
should be clear with yourself about what you want
in a relationship. If what you want is a casual
friendship without a commitment, it is important to
be clear about this both with yourself and the
women you meet and date. Sometimes men implicitly
make promises about "always being there" for the
other person without realizing it. Some examples of
"implicit" promises include statements such as,
"You're really special," "I've never met anyone
like you before," or "I can't wait to see you
again." Think through your initial relationships of
the past and see if you have made such promises,
either verbally or nonverbally, in order to enhance
you relationship at the time.
Ovulation
& Sex
Q from a Female, first-year student from Triton
College: How a girl can know when she's
ovulating? And if the girl does not have an orgasm
during sex, can she get pregnant even when she's
ovulating?
Dr. Caron's Answer:
In terms of your first question, it can be
really difficult to know when a girl is ovulating.
Many people say that ovulation takes place about
12-14 days before menstruation. That means you can
figure it out "after-the-fact" so to speak. For
example, if a woman has a 28-day cycle, she is
thought to ovulate around the 14th day. But this
clearly varies from girl to girl. To help determine
more precisely when ovulation takes place, you may
want to learn Natural Family Planning - in which
you take your basal body temperature each day and
record it on a chart, along with charting what your
cervical mucous looks like, and the feel of your
cervix. Over time, a girl will be able to determine
her ovulation as that time when her temperature
drops, her mucus looks like egg white, and her
cervix feels soft. It takes a bit of practice and a
few months to figure out -there are many good books
that explain it in greater detail. In terms of the
second question, a girl can get pregnant dur!
ing intercourse if she is ovulating and there is
semen ejaculated into/around the vagina. The sperm
and egg could care less if you enjoy the act or
not. So to answer your question: No, having an
orgasm is not necessary for pregnancy.
I have inverted nipples
Question from a freshman female at the
University of North Texas: This is not directly
about sex, but close enough. I have inverted
nipples and am so nervous about how other people
will react to them when I begin to get sexually
active. I know I should be "proud" of my body,
which I am, but I feel so strange and different. I
don't want guys to scream and run away. I heard
there is a surgery that can fix them. Is this true
and where can I get more information?
Dr. Caron's Answer: Despite what is
presented in the media, inverted nipples are
normal. Just as women's breasts come in all
different shapes and sizes, their nipples do as
well: they may be flat, raised, or inverted - all
are common. I believe you are in a good position to
educate your partner about how every body is unique
- and that includes yours. Just like belly buttons,
nipples also range in appearance. And I certainly
hope your partner will be interested in having a
relationship with you, not a body part!
If you are seriously interested in looking into
surgery in an attempt to alter your nipples, there
is plastic surgery. You can talk to a medical
doctor (such as a gynecologist or someone who
specializes in women's health) about this option.
However, be forewarned: it is very expensive, often
leads to loss of sensitivity and ability to become
aroused, and can also interfere with your ability
to breastfeed later on. Ask yourself: Is it really
worth it? I hope you will recognize the gift your
uniqueness and learn to accept and celebrate it
Question from a student at University of
Memphis: How long has abortion been legal? Up
to what month can a girl have an abortion?
Dr. Caron's Answer: In 1973 the Roe vs.
Wade decision legalized a woman's right to obtain
an abortion from a qualified physician. However,
what many people may not realize is that the
decision talked about this right in terms of
trimesters of pregnancy.
During the first trimester of pregnancy (when
over 90% of abortions are performed in this
country), a women can request (sometimes called
"demand") an abortion; however, during the second
trimester, she can only get an abortion with a
physician's consent. During the third trimester, an
abortion is only permitted in extreme cases - for
example, to save the life of the mother or when the
fetus has died in utero.
Desire/Arousal
Q from a Male, First-Year student at University
of Oklahoma: Can being in good physical
condition increase your desire to have sex?
A: There are many positive benefits to
being in good physical condition. Feeling fit helps
us feel better about a lot of things. We often feel
better about ourselves when we feel we look our
best. Being in good shape often leads to positive
feelings about life; our desire for many things
increases.
Q from a Female, Senior student at Syracuse
University: What can I do when I want to make
love, but my partner isn't "in the mood"? How can I
get him in the mood?
A: Loving relationships thrive on mutual
respect. I am not sure that you can make anybody
feel romantic and sexy just because that's the time
you're feeling romantic and sexy. Generally,
"turn-ons" for men include caring, touch, warm
shared feelings, and the interest in mutual
respect.
He Goes so Deep He Hits
Bone
Question from a sophomore female at the
University of Minnesota Duluth: When my
boyfriend and I were having sex he tried to reach,
go in as far as he could. Anyways, he touched
something in me that felt like a bone or something
solid, I felt it too. I thought it hurt or caused
some pressure that was extremely new to me. Do you
have any idea on what he was feeling and why I
could feel it too. Thanks for your time.
Dr. Caron's answer: I assume that what
you and he touched was your cervix. I often tell
students that if you reach up into your vagina you
will feel something that feels like the end of your
nose.... it is the base of the uterus. You may also
notice that it feels like it has a dimple. This is
the opening into the uterus (the cervical os) -
which is about the size of a pencil lead. It allows
menstrual flow to leave the uterus, and allows
sperm to enter the uterus on its way to the
fallopian tube to meet an egg.
If you feel the cervix at different times over
the course of a month, you will notice that it
changes from feeling very hard to feeling softer at
different times of the month. For example, around
ovulation (when a women releases an egg from her
ovary - usually occurs about 2 weeks before her
period), it will feel softer. In fact, one of the
things women do who are using Natural Family
Planning, is to record the changes in the cervix
(as well as temperature and mucous changes). I hope
this relieves some of your anxiety. You may also
find it useful to refer to a basic biology book to
understand the positioning and structure of all
your reproductive/sexual organs. Best wishes
Penis Size
Question from a senior male student at UCSD:
I've always wanted to have a longer penis, my
sexual partners hardly reach orgasm, is it the
performance or the size of my penis? If the size
doesn't matter, how can I improve it? If the size
really matters, then what is your advice?
Dr. Caron's answer: Woody Allen once said
that he was the only man he knew who suffered penis
envy. I think he was wrong. It's fairly common for
men to worry about their penis size. Some people
have suggested that since the growth of the penis
is one of the marks of puberty, somehow the
association between penis size and manhood is made.
Unfortunately, men's magazine's frequently
advertise penis enlargers which exploit male
anxieties (and don't work, by the way!). In it's
unerect or unaroused state the penis is usually
between 2-1/2 to 4 inches. In it's erect state the
penis is usually 5 to 7 inches. Some are slightly
smaller, some are slightly larger. It's important
to know there is no relationship between the size
of a man's penis and his ability to have sexual
intercourse or to excite his partner. A larger
penis will not make a woman have an orgasm any more
that a smaller one will. The clitoris is located
outside and above the entrance to the vagina.
Perhaps talking with your partner about what would
feel good to lead her to orgasm (in terms of
touching or techniques) would be helpful.
Long Distant
Relationships
Question from a freshman male student at
Berkeley College: My current girlfriend of 8
months is going away to Boston University. And she
wants to stay with me when she does go away...And
im afraid that she is going to play me, because
thats what people tell me all the time that when a
girl who dorms away and has a boyfriend, it really
doesnt last. She told me she is not that type of
girl to do that. And i asked her if she wants to be
single during her first year of college and she
said no...but i dont know if i know that she wont
play me when she goes away to college.
Dr. Caron's Answer: While long distance
relationships can be tough, some of the best ones
are based on a solid foundation of friendship -
which you are building with her now. I would trust
her when she says she wants to continue your
relationship rather than listen to what other
people who are outside your relationship are
saying. You are dating her - not them. While you
are right about how sometimes being apart does not
"make the heart grow fonder", on the other hand, a
relationship that has a solid foundation of trust,
honesty, love and caring can continue to flourish
despite the distance. While there are no guarantees
of faithfulness or longevity in any relationship -
whether she stayed with you on the west coast or
moved to the east coast by herself, it will be
important to keep the lines of communication open.
It may be useful to talk with her about how you are
going to handle the logistics of this relationship
- phoning, e-mail, visits, and spending school
breaks together, as well as the long term plans for
being together down the road. This may ease some
concerns you have about losing her. You may also
want to spend some time examining your own
expectations for a dating relationship. Perhaps you
would prefer to have a relationship with someone
who is physically located where you are - someone
to spend time with , play with, touch... it will be
important to explore your own desires for a
relationship and determine if a long-distance one
is suited for your needs as well. Best wishes.
It is hard being a virgin in
college
Question from a male sophomore at student at
the University of Tennessee -- Knoxville: It
strikes me odd, but for some reason, being a virgin
is a huge turn-off for most women that I meet. Why?
Do they think that since I am a virgin, no one else
wants me, so I'm worthless? Or, are they just
thinking with their sexual desires instead of their
head? Either way, it is hard being a virgin in
college. Thanks.
Dr. Caron's Answer: You're right - it can
be difficult being a virgin in college -when it
feels like “everyone is doing it” when in
fact, they are not. I think it has to do with the
messages we receive from the media about sexuality
and relationships, as well as peer pressure. For
example: If intimacy equals sex, as some believe,
then people who don't engage in sexual intercourse
are automatically defined as leading very dull
lives. With this argument, virginity is then a
state we want to leave. This view is too
simplistic, only serving to pressure people to have
sexual intercourse.
I think this is true especially when we look at
how we socialize boys. We give many, many messages
to boys as they are growing up to be competent, to
be knowledgeable, and to be in charge - in such
areas as sports, social performance, etc. As a
result, both men and women assume all guys are
supposed to know and be competent in everything -
even in sexual matters - before they have the
experience. If he is not experienced sexually, some
people (men and women) may view him as different
and ask “what is wrong with him?” when
there is nothing wrong at all.
It is important to remember that virginity, like
sexual activity, is a matter of choice. It sounds
like some of the women you have met have forgotten
this point. Some men and women choose to wait until
they are in what they consider a long-term
relationship before they become sexually involved
and some do not. Being a virgin does not mean you
are not sexual, or that you do not have an intimate
relationship; virginity is an acceptable
alternative to sexual intercourse. What is best for
you is for you alone to decide. Remember: You are
in charge of your own body.
Question from a male senior at the
University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign: I'm in
a relationship that has lasted almost a year. I
feel I am in love with my girlfriend but I am not
sexually attracted to her. We have even talked
about getting engaged and I'm wondering if our
relationship can last without the physical part
being there. Male, Senior
Dr. Caron’s Answer: It sounds like
you have a nice friendship going with this woman.
However, I don't believe you can have a
long-lasting romantic relationship with someone you
aren't attracted to. What is interesting is that
your question is almost the reverse of what many
people worry about who say, "All we have is sex,
sex, sex - Is that enough of a basis for a
long-term relationship?" I guess I'm wondering what
you would like in a relationship. Do you wish it
were different? Have you ever experienced sexual
attraction to another person you were involved
with? I am also concerned about why there is no
attraction? How does your partner feel about this?
Is she okay with the relationship as it stands? or
does she feel rejected? What are her expectations
for the future? Again, I am referring to sexual
attraction, not sexual activity; you can have one
without the other. I think sometimes people avoid
the sexual part to avoid intimacy or connection:
Since you know you won't be that close, you can
protect yourself - keep yourself at a physical and
emotional distance. I also wonder if part of your
lack of sexual attraction for your partner concerns
a fear of sex itself. Have you experienced some
type of trauma or hurt feelings around sex? I think
you are right to ask yourself now if this lack of
sexual attraction is going to be a concern for the
future. Ignoring it will not make it go away. These
are just some of the issues you may want to look at
with a professional. Talking with someone you can
trust will give you the perspective you need to
make important decisions. Including your partner in
these conversations will be essential. Good
luck!
My boyfriend doesn't get
into sex
Question from a female sophomore at student at
Michigan State University: I feel that my
boyfriend doesn't get into sex, or isn't turned on.
What can I do to make it better?
Dr. Caron's Answer: What do you want to
do? It sounds to me like you may have a fine
platonic relationship. One where you enjoy being
with this person, but you do not share sexual
experiences. How does your boyfriend feel about
this? Is this something he is happy with? I suggest
you sit down together and discuss the relationship
openly and see if you are in agreement.
It might be important to examine if your
perception of his lack of interest has been this
way all along, or if this is something that you see
as a more recent change? That may help guide the
conversation you have with him. If he refuses to
talk about it, you'll have to think about your own
needs and options. For example, is it worth it to
stay in a relationship that is not meeting your
needs?
I am interested to know if you have been
together for quite awhile and this is something
that you have observed over time. If so, it is
important to recognize that anything that is
routine, which happens over and over again in the
same exact way, becomes boring or stale. Even sex.
If that is your situation, you may want to talk
about how you might spice up the relationship:
changing your positions, places, and times; adding
little surprises; doing the things that used to
turn you on which have now fallen to the side. It's
important to find ways to vary your experiences -
this means communicating and negotiating with your
partner.
Finally, recognize that loving relationships
thrive on mutual respect. I am not sure that you
can make anybody feel turned on and interested
because you're feeling turned on and interested.
Generally, "turn-ons" for men include caring,
touch, shared feelings, and the interest in mutual
respect. Best wishes.
Soreness After Sex
Question from a male junior at student at York
College of Pennsylvania: After having sex, my
partner often complains that she is sore in the
area around the vagina, but she is constantly
telling me that I am gentle with her. What is it
that I could be doing wrong, or better, what is it
that I could be doing right?
Dr. Caron's Answer: Showing concern for
your partner sounds like something you are
certainly doing right!! For many women, lack of
lubrication can create soreness around the vaginal
opening - typically felt after intercourse. I
wonder if this is what is happening in your
situation. If so, this may indicate you might want
to spend more time on what some people call
"foreplay" - or outercourse - other things besides
just intercourse (oral sex, genital touching,
caressing). If she is sufficiently "turned on" but
finds that her lubrication is not as much as you
both desire, try purchasing a water-based lubricant
such as Astroglide or KY jelly. This should help
decrease any soreness caused by lack of
lubrication. If she still feels sore after
intercourse, have her visit a health care provider
for a gyn exam. Perhaps there is a slight yeast
infection building that is causing some irritation
- this will be easily treated.
Best wishes!
Question from a Male, Sophomore at University
of Connecticut: I've been a best friend with
this girl for two years. I'm starting to develop
stronger feelings for her now and I believe she
feels the same way. How do I break the ice and not
ruin the friendship if things don't work out?
Dr. Caron’s Answer: As with any
relationship, a person must often take risks to
move forward. Unfortunately, there are no
guarantees that things will work out. However, it
is helpful that you have already established a
friendship. But before you talk with her about how
you're feeling, I suggest you think about how
you'll feel if she says she just wants to continue
to be friends. Will you be able to continue the
friendship? I would guess that if your friendship
is important to both of you, you will be able to
work things out.
Painful Sex
Question from a female junior at student at the
University of Calgary:
I have a question for a friend of mine. He has
recently been dating this woman. She states that
she has never had an orgasm before. She has not had
sex in 2 years. When my friend and her went to have
intercourse, he said that it was very painful for
her. They tried Vaseline and lubrication from the
drugstore, but it didn't seem to alleviate the
pain. Any suggestions as to why or how they can
prevent future reoccurrences of this painful
event.
Dr. Caron's Answer: Your question raises
several issues. One issue is the pain this woman is
experiencing with intercourse. I would like to know
if she has always experienced pain, or if it is
just now with this new partner. If she has always
experienced pain, an appointment with a
gynecologist would be recommended to rule out a
physical concern. Assuming it is not physical, you
say they have tried lubricants but that did not
seem to help relieve the pain. The choice to use a
lubricant indicates a possible arousal issue. In
order for her own body to produce sufficient
lubrication, she needs to feel desire, trust, and
affection for her partner.
You say this is a new relationship. Perhaps
their emotional intimacy needs to be further
developed before they proceed with physical
intimacy. One suggestion is for them to try to
expand their definition of sex - thinking of it as
more than just intercourse. Certainly slowing
things down, focusing less on intercourse and
reaching orgasm, and more on the pleasure of giving
will help. It is also important that she have
control in the sexual situation so that should
penetration take place, she is guiding that process
and finding the position that is best for her.
[Note: Use of a water-based lubricant is
advised (e.g., Astroglide, K-Y jelly); oil-based
lubricants such as Vaseline are not
recommended.]
The other issue you raise is about her
inexperience (you say she has not had sex in
several years and she has never had an orgasm).
This can certainly relate to her lack of arousal,
and any anxiety or stress she may be placing on the
sexual aspect of their relationship. It sounds like
she (and maybe even he) does not know much about
her own sexual functioning. For example, some
people do not realize that the clitoris is
strategically located outside and above the vaginal
opening. For many women, stimulation around this
area is essential for reaching orgasm. Such
stimulation does not require intercourse or a
penis. It's important for a woman to first find out
for herself what feels good and then gently show
her partner. Many men (and women) have been told
that "real sex" means "penis-in-vagina" only; many
of us recognize that sex involves much more than
this.
Overall, I think there is something to be said
about the importance of this couple to talk to one
another openly about what they are experiencing.
Sexual communication is both an important and
necessary aspect of any relationship. Couples that
explore each other's need and desires enhance the
satisfaction experienced in an intimate
relationship. However, many couples choose to
overlook the possibilities that open communication
implies. Lack of or ineffective communication is a
leading cause of sexual dysfunction. Talking about
sex is not always easy, but it is necessary.
Communication not only alleviates anxiety, but also
heightens sexual pleasure. One might start by
asking, "What do you like?" or "What feels good to
you?" The bedroom may not be the best place to
start this conversation. Although communication is
sometimes difficult, it is essential to a healthy
and growing relationship.
Safest Brand of
Condoms
Question from a senior male student at Central
Washington University. What is the safest brand
of condoms to use? Also, if possible could you give
me a list of ratings that condoms got for being
safe?
Dr. Caron's Answer: There are more than
100 brands of condoms available in the United
States today. Latex condoms are the most effective
method for reducing the risk of infection from HIV
that cause AIDS, as well as other STDs. For people
who are sensitive to latex, polyurethane condoms
are a good alternative. Some condoms are
pre-lubricated. These lubricants do not increase
birth control or STD protection. Non-oil-based
lubricants, such as water or K-Y jelly, can be used
with latex or lambskin condoms. Do not use
oil-based lubricants with a latex condom (such as
petroleum jelly/Vaseline, lotions, or massage or
baby oil) because they can weaken the condom and
cause it to break.
The FDA, which regulates condoms as a medical
device, reviews production records and examines
stock at random. Should leaks turn up on 4 per 1000
condoms in a run, the entire lot is thrown out. It
is important to know that an estimated 2-5% of
condoms tear during use. Most of those failures are
thought to stem from misuse, not inherent product
flaws. That’s why the U.S. Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention provides directions on the
importance of consistent and correct use of
condoms, including: use a condom with every act of
intercourse from start to finish store in cool
place, check expiration date, open carefully, use a
new condom every time, put condom on erect penis
before it touches any part of partner’s body,
be sure to leave a reservoir tip, withdraw soon
after ejaculation while still erect.
Consumer Reports has also tested the
effectiveness of condoms. Their report in 1999
tested 30 models of latex condoms major brands and
small brands, in different sizes, textures, and
lubricants, some promoting extra thinness or
strength. Only 2 products of the 30 failed their
tests: Durex Pure Protection Spermicidally
Lubricated and Trojan Plus 2 Spermicidal so avoid
those 2 products!
All of the following passed their minimum burst
standards, as well as their higher threshold test,
so these would be brands to consider
purchasing:
Lubricated condoms that did well:
Beyond Seven, Class Act Ultra Thin &
Sensitive, Durex Extra Sensitive, and Trojan Ultra
Thin are thinner than most. Trojan Magnum is longer
and wider than most. Kimono Microthin is longer and
thinner than most. Lifestyles Vibra Ribbed, Trojan
Ultra Texture, and Trojan Ribbed are textured
condoms. Durex Enhanced Pleasure, Lifestyles Extra
Pleasure, and Trojan Ultra Pleasure are uniquely
shaped. Trojan Shared Sensation is textured and
uniquely shaped.
Unlubricated condoms that did well:
Trojan has a plain end; Trojan-Enz has a nipple
shaped reservoir like all other condoms in the
ratings.
Importance of a
Condom
Question from a female sophomore at Arizona
State University: I know it's important to ask
your sexual partner to wear a condom, but how
should I approach the issue? I'm not comfortable
discussing it.
Dr. Caron's Answer: Anyone you know well
enough to be sleeping with, you should know well
enough to talk about protection with. However, I
recognize that talking about sex has never been
easy. In fact, some people even think it's wrong or
that it ruins the mood. But in this age of "fatal
sexuality" - where people can die from unprotected
sexual intercourse - it is crucial that you talk
about using condoms. Forethought before Foreplay is
essential: Talk with your partner before you end up
in bed. You might try bringing up the subject by
saying, "Gee, I keep hearing all this stuff about
AIDS and safer sex. What do you think?" Or, "I'd
love to make love with you, but I'm worried about
disease." Talk about your need to have sex safely.
If he's a former Boy Scout, he'll understand the
concept of being prepared. If he's ever played
sports he'll understand how important it is to wear
protective gear before you play the game.
Question from a student at Fanshawe
College: In the heat of the moment, I forgot to
remove my tampon before me and my boyfriend had
sex...now it's gone...what do I do now?
Dr. Caron's Answer: If you are sure you
did not take it out before intercourse, then it is
not "gone" as you say - it is in there somewhere -
most likely pushed up/crammed to the top of your
vagina, next to your cervix. If you or your partner
are unable to reach it when you are squatting and
one of you inserts a finger into your vagina, I
suggest you seek some medical assistance. It is not
uncommon to have a woman contact a health center
and ask for assistance in removing a tampon. If you
just leave it there, it can create an environment
that leads to infection - and you will be seeking
medical assistance at that point to relieve the
infection. Better now than later. Best wishes!
© 2002, Sandra L. Caron
Resources
Related Issues: Sexuality,
Gay/Bi/Trans,
Teen
Sex , Talking
With Kids About Tough Issues
Journals
- on Sexual Abuse and Trauma
Periodicals -Gay/Bi
Books Sexuality,
Gay/bi,
and Transgender.
* * *
Sex is much bigger than genitals. It's a matter
of sensory awareness, living in the physical world
and reacting to it in a sensory way. - Camille
Paglia
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