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The
New Intimacy '01
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Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the
issue of Relationships. This section is an archive of a
weekly column featured daily on our homepage by husband and
wife psychology team, Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski.
They live in Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5 PM and
Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com.
They are the bestselling authors of "The
New Intimacy" and "Opening
to Love 365 Days a Year." Visit their website at
www.thenewintimacy.com
For their free weekly email newsletter, send email to
thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com
You can write us with questions about your personal
relationship. We print one letter a week with our answer.
You can reach us at: thenewintimacy-list-owner@mail-list.com
Archive 2000. Updated
9/30/01.
October 1-7
September 24-30
September 17-23
September 10-16
September
3-9
August 27-September 2
August 20-26
August 13-19
August 6-12
July 30-August 5
July 23-29
July 16-22
July 9-15
July 2-8
June 25-July 1
June 18-24
June 11-17
June 4-10
May 28-June 3
May
21-27
May 14-20
May 7-13
April 30-May 6
April 23-29
April 16-22
April 9-15
April 2-8
March 26-April 1
March 19-25
March 12-18
March 5-11
February 26 - March 4
February 19-25
February 12-18
February 5-11, 2001
January 29-February 4
January 22-28
January 15-21
January 8-14
January 1-7
See Books,
Issues
October 1-7
Loving Endearments
The stereotype of men tells us that they are incapable of
being nurturing, attentive, and supportive. Well we're
always delighted to share stories about men that counter
such a crippling image which isn't just crippling for men
but for women as well.
This endearment was submitted by our subscriber
Sharon.
I have the most wonderful man in the world. Fred and I
have a 4-year-old daughter, Logan, and I have two sons from
a previous marriage, Justin, 18, and Perry, almost 16. Fred
and I have been together for almost nine years.
When I was 35 years old, I was pregnant with our
daughter. Fred stuck by me my entire pregnancy. He was so
excited that I was pregnant and he just couldn't believe it.
He did not think he could have any children.
All through my moaning and groaning and getting larger
during my pregnancy, Fred was there for anything and
everything. I had a scheduled C-section for delivery of our
daughter, Logan, on St. Patrick's Day in 1997. He never left
my side the entire time I was in the hospital. He did
everything for me.
No one had ever treated me that well in my whole life. It
felt so real and so special for Fred to "be there" for me
like that in so many different ways. I will always love him
for that. I will love him for all the things he did for me
and for all the love he showed me at one of the times I
needed him most.
Thank God for Fred.
The New Intimacy
In the old intimacy, very often one spouse unilaterally
dictated how certain aspects their life would be and the
other spouse would singularly dictate the rest. For example,
he might take care of their finances. She would know nothing
about their assets/investments, or on the other hand, their
indebtedness. She might make all the decisions about how
their house was to be decorated and he would then live
according to her taste.
In the new intimacy the couple jointly co-creates their
life. Both people are involved in major decisions and many
of the small ones.
We've been having our upstairs floors worked on. Jim has
really wanted the old planks laid bare. Judith was willing
to see what it would look like since she'd never lived with
hard wood floors.
A surprise came when Jim pulled back the old grey carpet.
The floors were painted colonial blue! Then we learned that
was popular in the past when people had no money for rugs or
carpets.
The magic of differences continues when we are preparing
for the day of the sanding. How do we deal with the terrible
noise and dust and then the horrible smells of polyurethane?
Jim would just play it by ear from the moment the floor guy
arrived. Judith wanted to know what to plan for where we'd
stay, what work to take with us, where we might go during
the days to take care of things we needed to get done and
what might be fun, like visiting the old mansions on the
banks of the Hudson River down near Poughkeepsie.
On the other hand, Judith would have let the floor guy
fill in some small holes (3" by 10") in the flooring and as
well as leave it to him to deal with the large cracks
between some of the planks. Jim has made sure that those
holes were filled and he did it perfectly. He will also make
sure that the man has a clear idea of what we want the
finished product to look like before we depart. And he made
sure that everything was protected with sheets of thick
plastic taped around all of the doors to the rooms where
work wouldn't be done.
We went together to find a local B & B that would be
inexpensive and yet charming. Then we talked through the
general plans and then used our natural skills and
inclinations to work as a team to get ready for the floor
event.. Judith organized the work to take with us and Jim
prepared the floors. No one dictating. No one left in the
dark about what would happen. No need to argue. No need to
get in each other's way. Yet each of us was contributing and
helping to make the best of the disruptive situation.
That's an example of the practical, everyday romance in
the magic of differences that is at the core of the new
intimacy.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
I am 20 years old and I believe I have found the one I
want to spend my life with. He is 22 and the type of person
who looks at the big picture. I take things moment by
moment. We are like silver and gold, very opposite. I am
extremely sensitive and like to talk about things and he
keeps everything inside unless I push him. I don't want to
do that but I want him to open up to me. He says he loves me
too and doesn't ever want to let me go. The problem is he
attends one of the best art schools in the country down in
Florida and I am in school up here in New Hampshire. The
relationship becomes so stressful at times because of the
distance. We try to make time for each other when there
isn't any. But I have never been so sure of anything in my
life, he is the one for me. Right now we are "taking a
break" from the stress and trying to start over. He wants to
get back together when he comes home this summer. I was
wondering if you could give me some advice on what I should
do. When we are together it is amazing, but when we are
apart we argue. I would move to Florida but he said he would
never ask me to do that. We have been through so much
together already. He supports me in everything. I was
diagnosed with depression/panic disorder and have been
suicidal in the past. But he has stuck with me anyway and
loves me for who I am. I believe this relationship is worth
fighting for but I am lost on how to do it.
Sincerely,
Lost in NH when my heart is in FL
Dear Lost,
First of all you are not arguing because you are apart.
That you are apart geographically is merely a fact of life.
So the first question is, what are you really arguing about
that gets triggered by being apart? Second, if you are both
so certain about one another, why are you broken up?
Do you argue from feeling insecure? Are you suspicious of
one another going out with other people? Do you demand that
contact be made by phone and/or email when neither of you
really has the time? What is it that distracts you from the
reality of your two different school situations, such that
you argue instead of making the most of your time apart?
Now, the fact is you cannot get back together and "start
over". You must live your relationship in current time and
deal with your history of arguing.
Given the inclusion of your diagnosis of depression/panic
disorder and feeling suicidal, we want to stress the need
for you to look to your family of origin for the root causes
of these feelings. How weren't you made to feel safe as a
child? How were you expected to meet your parents' needs,
rather than your own? At least from your side of the
arguing, we're betting this is where you will find the root
source for your discomfort and upset.
And if you are not currently in therapy, we strongly
suggest you see a very experienced therapist who specializes
in helping people emotionally leave their home of origin. By
that we mean that you need to develop a mature, independent
sense of your identity, instead of carrying around your
childhood programming as if it is the world you live in
now.
Please let us know your response to our answer.
Judith & Jim
© 2001 The New Intimacy
September 24-30
Loving Endearments
This endearment was submitted by our subscriber Jodi.
I met WJ through the Internet. We exchanged e-mails every
day and got along great. We met in person 3 months later and
spent 8 hours together. We didn't want the day to end! We
kept seeing each other and one month later, I was in the
hospital for abdominal surgery. I was there for 16 days and
that's when I found out how special WJ really was. He came
to visit one day and brought his laptop. Then he hooked it
up to the phone line so I could check my e-mail! He knew
that I check it every day and I wouldn't be able to for a
long time...unless he helped. He also stayed past midnight
several times because he knew I'm a nightowl and there were
no visiting hours. Here's the topper, there I was at my most
unattractive and he says, "Sure, you have a nose tube and
your hair is all greasy, but you're still pretty." Romantic,
huh?
It's almost 2 years later, I'm healthy, and we're still
together.
The New Intimacy
Without communication there can be no intimacy. For
communication to be meaningful you and your partner have to
make your thoughts and feelings available to one another.
And then, you must be willing to hear each other in terms of
the other's experience. By that we mean each of you must
grant the other the validity of their experience. That
doesn't mean you have to agree or even like what your
partner is saying, feeling, doing. But to truly communicate,
to permit intimacy to flourish, you must let your partner be
who your partner is and visa versa.
Here's an example from our lives.
We've been in the middle of a heat wave. The locals tell
us they haven't seen such heat over so long a span of days
for years. Judith finds this kind of humid heat intolerable.
We actually think she may be allergic to it. So we bought
two window air-conditioners. One for Jim's office and one
for Judith's. Jim decided he'd install Judith's as soon as
we brought them home.
Judith's initial response was to ask him if he shouldn't
hire someone to do it. Jim refused and eventually got it to
work. Judith was deeply impressed. Now here's the point.
Judith had seen her father, time and again, try and fail
to do mechanical thugs around the house. She watched her
mother's resignation when he decided to yet again do
something and she would scorn him behind his back.
After Jim secured the A/C and had it running, Judith
realized how she had unconsciously assumed Jim would fail.
Her suggestion to hire a handyman was not out of affection
but out of an unconscious presumption of Jim's incompetence.
That's why she was so impressed when he succeeded and why
she felt chagrined in realizing what she had been feeling.
Judith knew she had to confess her fears and distrust to
Jim.
Under the circumstances her feelings were understandable
and the intimacy between us deepened. That could not have
happened without Judith's willingness to reveal her true
feelings and Jim's willingness to hear her without taking it
personally. That doesn't always happen but, when it does, it
allows for the richest communication and the sweetest
emotional intimacy possible.
In this sense it really is true that the truth will set
you free.
Trust your truth. Listen to your partner's truth. Only
then can you build trust in your relationship so that you
can open more and more to what you have and receive more and
more from it.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
I have an interesting question for you that has been on
my mind for a while now. My husband and I have been married
for four years and are not having any problems. Recently
some friends of ours, who are also married, told us that
they are swingers. Meaning that they sleep with other
couples. I have to admit that it does sound interesting but
my husband and I are reluctant for obvious reasons. We want
a stranger's opinion on this subject and would like to hear
from you. Thank you,
Curious in Arkansas
Dear Curious,
If, as you say, "it does sound interesting," then we are
curious as to what you mean by the "obvious reasons." If by
that you mean being awkward and having sex with someone
other than your spouse, then what, we ask, sounds
interesting? If you do this the awkwardness will fade in
time like everything and anything that is new until it is
not. But that doesn't seem to be the point.
Rather than ask us, you should trust your reluctance.
Look into it. What is your reluctance telling you you would
have to lose if you went ahead?
Could it be that the "obvious reasons" are that you might
lose each other? Or are you afraid you might enjoy it, which
is an entirely different issue and will send you into a vast
unknown?
One of Jim's philosophy teachers once said, "Whenever
anyone says something like 'It's obvious that. . . .' or 'It
should be clear that. beware. That is where they are hiding
the fact that they aren't sure of what they are saying."
Look into your obvious reasons and listen to your
reluctance. Yes there are those who swing. And among that
group there are marriages that have lasted for years. But
this has nothing to do with your reluctance.
Something inside of each of you is reluctant, call it
your soul if that word works for you, is trying to get your
attention. Listen. There is much at stake here.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
September 17-23
Loving Endearments
This endearment was submitted by our subscriber
Heather.
How wonderful to know others have discovered the magic
that comes from just writing a little note. We were married
just two months after I turned 18, and next February will be
our 7th anniversary. Our first married Valentine's day, we'd
just moved and the fees & deposits had left us broke,
but I was still determined to have a romantic surprise
waiting for him when he got home. I dug up some plastic
mini-Easter eggs from the previous year, and in every one I
put a little note about why I was in love with him; a memory
of a moment we'd shared, a thank you for something special
he did for me, a wish for our future, and all the things I
found irresistible about him. I hid them all over the house,
and never told him to look, but sure enough he found several
that first night, and since I hide eggs pretty well, he
found many more over the next few weeks. Six years later, I
still do this for him. I tape notes all over the house,
write love letters for him to read after a long day at work,
and make signs for birthdays and anniversaries and tape them
to the front of the house so he (and everyone else) can read
"I love you sweetie!" when driving up the street. We always
keep a dry-erase marker in the bathroom so we can write each
other messages on the mirror. Sometimes I worry about how
we'd manage to keep romance alive after several years of
marriage, but when I see the growing stack of my notes and
letters in his sock drawer, I know I have nothing to worry
about. Happily married.
Heather
If you have an endearment you would like to share send it
to us at jksjes@hotmail.com.
The New Intimacy
In the old intimacy, romantic relationships were
choreographed by sex role expectations. Since both men and
women had to conform themselves to fit into the roles they
were taught to play, they often experienced a kind of
emptiness instead of the passionate connection they hoped
would be theirs.
In the new intimacy, sex role stereotypes are obsolete.
Romantic relationships are now choreographed and co-created
by the needs and wants and sincere feelings of the two
individuals involved.
In the drama of yesteryear cliched emotions very often
passed for real, heartfelt love. Now the true romance of
intimate one-of-a-kind love is experienced in all of the
large and small in-the-moment body-based feelings as well as
in the spiritually meaningful commitment to learn and grow
together. Growth fueled by love moves both people toward
increased freedom to reveal themselves whole-heartedly --
which is a form of holiness.
In the fourteen years we've been together, we've seen
each other go through some very difficult emotional states,
some lasting several days, some even weeks. In the old
intimacy, most couples would have just tolerated one another
during these kinds of experiences -- if they had felt free
to show what they were really feeling at all. Instead, we
feel enriched by the journey of accompanying one another
into the darkness that is always the birth place of new
awareness, new freedom to be who we really are.
Rather than act out a stereotype, which will make you a
stereotype, pay attention to what you feel that is real. Ask
yourself why you believe you cannot show feelings that are
true to you and express your true thoughts. What do you
believe would happen? And what value is there in hiding
behind a performance, which is what you do when you choose
to act out a stereotype. You hide. You prevent who you are
from being loved which will eventually cause you to feel
unloved and, of course, you will blame your spouse.
If love is what you want, then allow yourself to be loved
for who you are. After all, who else can you be loved for. A
performance? No way.
Please have the courage to give your mate the opportunity
to love more and more of you.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant with our
daughter. I love him dearly. It's just that all I seem to
think about is that I don't know what to do. How will I ever
be able to trust him again. I feel as though I should cheat
on him so he can feel the hurt I feel. I just don't know
what to do. I really want our marriage to work our. What do
I do?
TX
Dear TX,
Though he cheated while you were pregnant, and that is
reprehensible, have you talked with him about it? What was
he doing? Does he have so little awareness of the
consequences of his actions? What did he want? What was he
trying to accomplish? If it was sex, then why did he have to
go to someone else? Was he not satisfied with the lovemaking
between you? If not, why not, and what can the two of you do
about it? If he was satisfied, then what other motivation
did he have? Power? Trying to get away with something?
You say you want your marriage to work. Well, then what
you must do is find out why he did what he did? That's for
starters. Then you must determine if he wants the marriage
the way you do. If you don't do this, then you will never be
on secure ground. You must know where he stands.
You must also explore your own feelings and desires.
Depending upon what he says, do you still want the
marriage?
In any case, the marriage you had is over. What was is no
longer. If you stay together, you must co-create a new
marriage based upon new understandings and new commitments.
In a sense, you must remarry.
But do not, do not have an affair in spite. You will feel
terrible afterwards and you will have gained nothing. An eye
for an eye leaves both people half blind. And teaches your
child that cheating and revenge are what to expect in their
marriage.
Can you ever trust him again? He will have to earn
it.
At the same time, you must deal with your hurt by letting
him know how deeply you were wounded and what the effects of
his thoughtlessness were.
This need not break you two apart,. It can be a deep
wake-up call to get serious about the connection you have.
And make sure you discover together what the dis-connect was
that led the way to his cheating.
Finally, it would probably be best if you two saw a
counselor, someone who can help each of you sort out your
thoughts and feelings and help you both come to terms with
what all happened and what needs to happen for you both to
commit to a trustworthy love now.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
September 10-16
Loving Endearments
We are in the process of having one of our rooms re-done.
We're removing the carpets and exposing the old wide-beam
wood plank floors. We will have them stripped and sanded and
brought back to their natural color and grain. In an old
house like ours, that means an extra helping of dust.
Jim's brain works in a way that doesn't think of those
kinds of details, you know, dust and the like. He's thinking
about how to paint and wallpaper that room before the floor
sander arrives.
Well we had to move some of our clothing, mostly Jim's --
out of that room and some of it is stuffed into a corner of
our bedroom which is right across the hall.
Without saying anything, Judith covered those clothes
with an old bed sheet to keep them protected from the dust
that will get kicked up.
As soon as Jim saw that, he knew exactly what she had
done and why and was very grateful. In part for having his
clothes protected, but more so for the absence of any
criticism from Judith for not having thought of it himself.
She knows him, accepts him (not all of the time), and has no
need to make a big deal of his shortfalls (most of the
time).
Judith had no need to call attention to herself and that
made her endearment even more endearing.
The New Intimacy
Every now and then an angel appears in our lives and
blesses us with his or her presence and inspiration. We met
just such an angel last weekend.
We were in Philadelphia giving a keynote presentation and
a workshop and we met Ed Thornton. He signs his email E.T.
which is proof that he's an angel.
He told us about his marriage to Linda. Here's their
story.
She knew she had cancer and so did he and that she was
terminal. One afternoon she called him and said "we have to
talk." Ed told us he cringed when he heard those ominous
words. That evening, at dinner, Linda told him that the one
thing she wanted to accomplish before she left this earth
was to be married to Ed. He said, "Are you proposing?" She
thought for a second and said, "I guess I am." He responded
with, "Well, in that case, I accept."
They were married for two and one half years and during
the ceremony she had to wear a wig because of the effects of
chemotherapy.
They had a Quaker wedding. No minister. No Priest.
Quakers believe that the Divine Spirit is present in all of
us and, in that sense, we are all ministers. So Linda and Ed
married each other by saying "We unite ourselves in
marriage." Those who were present signed a marriage
certificate as witnesses.
They wrote their own vows and Ed gave us permission to
share them with you. Here is some of what they said.
Ed: Linda, I want to love you without possessing,
appreciate you without qualifying, unite with you without
intruding in your space, ask of you without demanding or
expecting . . . I promise to be gentle with myself so I can
be gentle with you. . . With my love and affection I want to
truly enrich your life. I offer patience, persistence and
perseverence.
Linda: I intend to be gentle with you Ed, to be a loyal
friend, lover and confidante. To not withhold things from
you, but to share myself honestly, openly and from my heart.
I commit to take care of myself to have the energy to be
there for you . . . I promise to acknowledge my mistakes . .
. be demonstrative in my love and affection and bring humor,
passion and integrity to our marriage.
They said: Together we pledge to be faithful and to make
our marriage the top priority of all our activities . . We
promise to look for the good in each other . . .to try to
resolve conflicts quickly . . .our motto is forgive and
forget . . . Within our marriage we promise to take
responsibility for fully loving and nurturing ourselves and
each other.
And with that, they were man and wife.
Two and one-half years later, Linda died in Ed's
arms.
Ed was glowing as he told us the story. So happy to have
known, loved and lived with Linda for the time that they
had.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
I am 20, male and I have never had sex. My parents have
very strong beliefs that sex should be kept for marriage.
However, ever since I went to college I have questioned the
wisdom of that many times, though I never crossed the line.
I also feel that since it would be wrong for me to have sex
with somebody why should I even start dating anybody. I know
a lot of people want sex after a while and my standard would
be disappointing to them. What can you say from your
experience in counseling about this subject? I have heard so
many explanations for both choices that it only makes things
more confusing.
Dear Confused,
In our culture, sex is overly burdened with expectations
and fantasies as well as rules and regulations. One side
preaches celibacy. The other wants no judgment, no
interference, as though engaging in sex has no consequences.
And we're sure you've heard those arguments and some in
between.
You say you have questioned your parents' beliefs about
sex and marriage, so something in you is stirring to at
least explore alternatives, without, as you indicate,
actually making love with anyone.
But you must kook at what you wrote. You believe that
having sex would be wrong. Do you? Really? Or are you simply
struggling with peer pressure? Or perhaps what you think is
peer pressure? Or perhaps only being an obedient son?
What you need is a way to determine what is most
important to you. You need to place your question in a
context that will compel you to face what you hold most
dear. Here are a few suggestions.
What would you advise your own son if he was faced with
your dilemma?
Or, what if your choice, to wait or not, was to be used
as the moral and ethical standard for all people your age.
What would you choose with that responsibility as a
determining guide?
Or imagine you are at the end of your life looking back.
What would you like to see? That you waited? Or that you
decided not to wait?
Your struggle is very fundamental because, no matter how
you rationalize your final decision, to do or not to do,
there are ultimately only two choices. You can't finesse
this one with brilliant arguments or clever spin. This is an
either/or choice which always puts us in a position to be
initiated through the struggle to make our decision and then
launches us into a particular way of being in the world.
Sören Kierkegaard, a European existential
philosopher wrote about the process of making life altering
decisions. He said that we build a mountain of fact, stand
in top of it and then leap to faith. He didn't mean
religion. He meant that whatever our choice, we cannot
predict the consequences. There will be some that will be
negative. So we choose and live what comes.
You must go into your heart and let it lead. And
remember, your heart cannot provide everything. But if you
lead with your heart you will have the strength to stand up
under whatever comes to you. And, in the end, that is the
prize of the struggle.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
September 3-9
Loving Endearments
When Judith was a kid her family spent many a summer
vacation on an old farm with relatives in Redding, CA.
Besides an indoor bathroom, this farm still had a two-hole
outhouse which everyone used in good weather -- not
necessarily with someone else -- but because it had no door
and overlooked a beautiful valley. (People yelled ahead to
check out occupancy.)
Ever since we moved to our 200 year old farmhouse sixteen
months ago, Judith has wanted an outhouse by our pond. You
can't any longer use them, but Judith has wanted one for the
nostalgia and how fun they look.
Friends of ours, Bob and Magdalena, provided the unusual
blessing of giving us an old outhouse that has been on their
property since forever and they didn't want it. That
terrific surprise happened a couple of months ago -- but it
still had to be moved -- and we had to prepare the space for
it -- where -- as a future reading and meditation cubby --
with the door open you can look out on the pond and on to a
wonderful stream that separates our land from the
neighbors.
A man down the road agreed to move it in his truck but we
didn't exactly know when this would be.
This morning Jim came into Judith's office and told her
she needed to come outside with him. Why? He wouldn't say.
When we were about to make the turn out of our garage (which
used to be the barn) Jim instructed Judith to close her eyes
and then guided her across the back yard.. Then Jim stopped
her, turned her in a specific direction and said -- "Ok,
open your eyes!"
Well, Judith let out a huge shriek -- there sat her own,
real outhouse right where she wanted it!!! Timmy and Kelly,
our neighbors, and their two children, Branden and Morgan,
had surprise delivered it last night when we were in town --
and Jim had just noticed it out a window before he called
Judith outside!
Sure he could have just told Judith to look out the
window -- but why miss the romance of creating a delightful
surprise!!
How can you surprise the one you love this weekend?
The New Intimacy
Judith's delight with the new/old outhouse is unbounded.
She's like a child who's received something she'd been
waiting for for a long time. But that's what makes her such
a pleasure to be with -- her capacity for genuine delight
which stems form her alive and lively curiosity.
Curiosity! It's one of the most powerful experiences we
have as human beings. Think about it. When we are genuinely
curious, we are open to possibilities. The world becomes a
menu we can explore and choose from. And through our
curiosity we get to extend beyond ourselves where the new
awaits.
One of the most lethal dangers for any relationship is
when we take things for granted. We assume. That means that
we believe we know beforehand what's going to happen, how
our partner is going to respond, and so we don;'t have to
pay attention. We don't have to be curious.
Have you ever heard somebody say something like, "Well,
you know how she is." or "That's just him. He's always that
way." They assume they know all there is to know about the
other person.
So they stop looking. They stop listening. They stop
hearing. In short, the connection disappears and they just
plain stop. Then their relationship dies and they blame each
other.
In all fairness, it's so easy to take ourselves and one
another for granted. We do get into habitual behaviors and
we are to some degree predictable. If we weren't,
relationships might be way too much work if not impossible.
But love and intimacy are not free. There is a cost. Your
attention and care.
You wouldn't buy potted plants and never water them. You
wouldn't buy a car and never tune it. Life requires our
participation. We have to care if we want things to
thrive.
That's where curiosity comes in. We make the choice to
pay attention. We let those we love know that we want to
know them. We let them know we want them to know us. We open
ourselves and we ask them to open to us. But if they aren't
paying attention, why bother? If we aren't willing to extend
an interest, why should they bother?
What do you want to know about your lover, partner,
spouse? Not just as an exercise, but really want to know.
And what would you like your lover, partner, spouse to know
about you that he or she doesn't yet?
Even thinking about these questions stimulates curiosity,
about your self and your partner. And, when you bring your
interest to the one you love, what a compliment that is.
what a recognition of the other person as someone you value
and want to be more intimate with.
Judith's capacity for opening to the new, for being
genuinely curious, helps keep what we have alive and
unpredictable. When that couples with Jim's particular ways
of being curious, well, we can't ever take each other for
granted.
Finally, curiosity is one of the finest aphrodisiacs you
can find and it's available to you at any time!
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
I have recently begun a relationship with a man who lives
600 miles away from me. We met on a Christian dating site on
the Internet. I don't ordinarily write people who live so
far away, as a long-distance romance was the last thing I
was looking for, but his note to me was so wonderful that I
couldn't resist looking up his profile and responding in
kind to his thoughtful letter.
I flew to his city to meet him in person, after only 2
short weeks of continual emails and endless phone calls, and
we fell for each other in a big way. Everything about each
of us just seemed to "fit" with the other perfectly. Our
personalities, our romantic natures, our thoughtfulness for
each other, our senses of humor, even our heights (he's
6'4", I'm 5'11"). But 2 days later I found myself on a plane
on my way home...alone.
He and I had a wonderful talk the following day about
where we each stood in our relationship and we agreed that
we could see other people while we were apart, but that we
would each keep the other one's best interests at heart when
doing so. That way, the pain of being alone wouldn't be as
apparent.
My question to you is, how can a couple keep a
relationship alive across so many miles? If you're only
physically seeing each other once a month or so, how do you
truly get to know each other well enough to determine
whether or not to continue on to the next level?
I'm much better in person than I am on the phone (as I am
a very affectionate and physical person), so it's hard for
me to be as happy having a relationship with a telephone and
a keyboard as I would be having my honey here to hold as we
talked.
Any advice from you would be very much appreciated. Thank
you so much!
Dear love-at-a-distance,
First of all, congratulations that this relationship is
still alive and worthwhile. When we began reading your
letter we fully expected you to say it fell apart and you
don't know why. But that's not the case.
The danger with long-distance relationships that work is
the intensity that builds up between meetings. So much has
to happen in a short time that it's often too much of a
demand on what you have. So, first, be aware of and talk
about not needing to pack one month into two days. That
won't work because it cannot happen. If you don't keep that
in mind, then your brief visits can become growingly
disappointing and place an unnecessary burden on the
difficulty you have to begin with.
Also, do not withhold your "negative" feelings, perhaps
anger at being apart; loneliness and longing; frustration
with how things are. You are in a trying situation and you
cannot pretty it up by pretending never to feel bad about
it. The more you release to one another the more openness
there will be and the more freedom and ease you can create
for the time you are together.
Of course, the loving feelings you have must be expressed
as well, but they won't get in the way.
Yes, being close and physical in important. However,
you've accepted this relationship with its physical
limitations. Ask yourself why? What's the benefit now to you
and him? What do God, the Universe, or your own unconscious
minds have in store for you that is best expressed by a
relationship over a distance? In other words, don't step
away from the reality you're faced with, embrace it, delve
into it, look for the promise and potential it contains. In
other words, trust that what is happening is right. All you
need do is discover the rightness. As you do, the romance
between you should grow from soil that is rich and fruitful.
Then the distance will become a gift and your love will
become more and more a treasure.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
August 27-September 2
Loving Endearments
First of all, thanks for all the work you do to keep the
new intimacy newsletter going. I know it takes a great deal
of time and energy, even if it is extremely rewarding as
well.
My husband and I are both in our early 40's, we've been
married for a whole 6 months...LOL!!! But seriously, we both
feel so very blessed that we have found one another at this
late date in our lives.
After the commercialism and expense of the Christmas
season and the expense of our wedding...and my husband's
birthday being on the same day as our wedding ...and several
birthdays of family and friends in January we decided that
we would not spend more than $10.00 on one another for
Valentines....but we would use our creativity to come up
with something special for one another.
For my husband, I cut up strips of paper (like those in
fortune cookies). On each strip I wrote what I love, admire,
respect, and treasure in him, or small love quotes, or a
free coupon for a massage, car cleaning, 20 minutes of
snuggling, etc.
I rolled them into tiny scrolls and put them in a heart
shaped tin container. I also made a Valentines card
explaining that inside the container were daily vitamins for
the heart. My husband loves it. Every morning he opens his
heart-vitamin for the day and shares it with me. Then he
puts it in his shirt pocket and carries it with him
throughout the day. At the end of the day he tapes it into a
book where he's collecting them.
It's been such a hit that although initially I'd only
made about 60 days worth I've continued to make them each
month. After 4 months I'm discovering that it is not just
something I give him, but also something I find great joy in
myself.
For me, my husband bought a journal. Each day he writes a
love quote at the top of one of the pages. Underneath he
writes his thoughts and feelings about the quote, how it
applies, or doesn't apply, to us. At the very end of the
page he writes a short one or two sentences about what we
did on that day that he enjoyed.
I LOVE THIS!!!! Some of the quotes are funny, deep,
thought provoking, serious, and romantic. I find such a
thrill reading them and find that I look forward to it all
day. Sometimes I go back to past days and read what was
written there and remember what we were doing on that day.
IT IS TRULY A HEART BOOST. And, no matter how busy our lives
get, my husband takes the time to write that day,
demonstrating a great deal of commitment.
Thank you for allowing me to share our story, and again
for all the great work you guys do to keep The New Intimacy
going. It has integrity and a great message.....(kind of
rare these days).
Blessings,
Lisa, a subscriber
The New Intimacy
We've had a number of requests to repeat a list of what
intimacy is and is not that we published before. Since we're
in the middle of a crunch to get several projects completed,
we're taking this opportunity to repeat the column.
Here it is.
Many people imagine intimacy to mean sex. In fact, that
is what most people mean when they use the word.
Some people understand intimacy to be primarily about
talking and sharing.
Others are afraid of the whole idea, concerned they will
lose themselves if they open up and allow themselves to be
touched.
And there are those who have no response.
For us the experience of intimacy is very basic and very
deep within human consciousness. So here are some things
intimacy is and is not for you to ponder.
- Intimacy is generous.
- Intimacy is consistent.
- Intimacy can be trusted.
- Intimacy is born of testing.
- Intimacy requires discernment.
- Intimacy is relaxed and secure.
- Intimacy is a creative experience.
- Intimacy is the opposite of isolation.
- Intimacy fosters growth and new life.
- Intimacy is interdependent it takes two.
- Intimacy does not have to do with control.
- Intimacy requires curiosity about the other.
- Intimacy does not condemn, reject, or abandon.
- Intimacy is spontaneous and will be
unpredictable.
- Intimacy is not focused on changing the other
person.
- Intimacy can only occur with a respect for
differences.
Finally, to be intimate is to allow yourself to be seen
and willing to see what the other person is showing you.
That takes strength of commitment, security in yourself, an
ability to respond sensitively and creatively, and a
willingness to enter into the unknown that exists between
you.
This is a list to inspire your thinking.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We have
moved twice, built a practice, a home, she had 3 job
changes, and we had two children all in this time. We have
changed some from when we first started dating. She feels
empty and worries about having a hallow marriage. She is
contemplating divorce. These feelings have developed because
we are different and I do not communicate to the level she
needs. I want to learn how and develop a great relationship
built on love, friendship, and intimacy. I would like to get
that help. I want my wife, children, and a marriage. Thank
you for your direction.
Dear Wanting,
We first want to acknowledge how demanding your life has
been for the both of you. Two moves, a practice, home, jobs
and kids all in five years is a stress that many
relationships could not withstand. So, that the two of you
are still together is to be applauded..
Now, with regard to your wife's concern about a "hollow
marriage," no doubt the demands have taken your focus off of
each other, and no doubt that was a disappointment to her.
No doubt the reality of what she chose to participate in
clashed pretty severely with her fantasy of what a marriage
was supposed to be.
One of the greatest dangers for people entering into
marriage, even for those who've been divorced and are
re-marrying, is the clash between what they imagine and
expect a marriage is "supposed to be" and the reality of
marriage as it turns out to be. Marriages are as unique as
people and every marriage is a unique co-creation of both
people. Neither party is innocent in the outcome. So the
"hollowness" of the marriage has been made, in half, by your
wife.
You say you do not communicate to the level she needs.
Why not? If you hold that position, then it's just an excuse
for not changing. If you want the marriage, you will have to
change the way you communicate so that she feels seen and
heard.
The question is, what does "to the level she needs" mean?
If you are closed and not forthcoming, you'll need to learn
to open up and make yourself emotionally available. That's
learnable. And, by the way, when you do, she will have to
open up reciprocally or it will not work.
However, if what's going on is that the level she needs
is being dictated by a fantasy of what "should" be, then no
level of communication will work unless you become her.
Fantasies are perfect because we create them that way. They
are also solitary creations in which no one interferes with
what we want. Real life is an amalgam of both people
involved, and now that includes the kids, the house, and
everything else that impacts your life togther.
So are her demands reasonable? Or is she hiding from real
intimacy with you by blaming you for her emptiness, rather
than looking at her inability to receive what you give
her?
Bottom line, she is co-responsible for the "hollow
marriage." If she doesn't recognize that, she will leave
you, marry again and do the same thing with someone else and
with different details. You two should see someone who can
help you unravel what's happened.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
August 20-26
Loving Endearments
After reading Judith and Jim's loving endearments to one
another about the watermelon, I wanted to share an
endearment about something my boyfriend recently did for me
Dan is 40 and divorced, I am 37 and twice divorced). Wed
live in Colorado.
Dan: Becky spoke of the new Krispy Kreme donut shop that
recently opened up in our town. We haven't had a moment to
get over there and the lines have been to crazy to wait no
matter the hour of the day.
Becky: Dan is from Minnesota, to try a warm Krispy
Kreme.
Dan: I went on business to Omaha, Nebraska and there I
drove Krispy Kreme donut shop. I simply had to stop and get
some donuts for myself to try these crazy donuts that
everyone in Denver was going nuts about. As was the rumor,
they were delicious. I called Becky from Omaha and told her
I had finally tasted a Krispy Kreme and how good these
donuts tasted. Becky was disappointed, she wasn't with me
for my 'first' Krispy Kreme experience at age 40. On my way
back to Denver I decided to stop and pick up some Krispy
Kreams to take back to Becky.
Becky: Dan called me from his home and told me he brought
me back Krispy Kreams! I couldn't believe it! Dan
transported two donuts in his briefcase from Omaha and
protected those donuts with his life to bring them all the
way back to Denver and to me. I went over to his place that
night and there they were, two Krispy Kream donuts, smashed,
but nevertheless, they were the best two donuts I had ever
put in my mouth. He had remembered such a small detail and
wanted to share the experience with me. I swear, if the
plane had landed on a deserted island with no food in sight,
he would not have eaten those donuts...
I have to tell you, Dan buys me flowers and treats me
like a princess but nothing could ever have meant more to me
than the thought of his bringing me those Krispy Kreme
donuts from Omaha. Hands down, that is the most thoughtful
thing anyone has ever done for me.
The New Intimacy
Many of you tell us how you enjoy hearing about our life
here in the country. So we'll tell you about Jim's new
weed-wacker. Now, how does that relate to The New Intimacy?
Well, it might not, if Judith hadn't needed to talk to
herself about some of her knee-jerk responses.
But some background first. When we moved here last year,
to a 200 year-old farm house on 2 acres with a pond, the
property hadn't been kept up at all. The house was in pretty
good shape but the growth on the land, except for a small
yard, was wild and way out of control.
So last year we hired people to trim trees and take out
dead ones and brush-hog the back of the property -- cutting
down all the weeds and heavier overgrowth.
This year Jim bought a weed-wacker and he is in country
heaven as he goes out most every day to do battle with the
weeds that want to re-take the place. Meanwhile, Judith
noticed thoughts like, "He's just like a boy with a toy,"
"He ought to be doing more of the serious work we need to
get done."
Whoa!!!!! Unconscious old thoughts about men's work,
learned at mom's knee, were popping up to interfere with all
the fun Jim was having if Judith didn't catch herself and
rethink the situation.
So first she shared her inner sabateur with Jim so that
we both could keep an eye on her. Then she determined to
notice not only Jim's wonderful fun, but to focus on the
increased beauty on the property when the weeds are kept
under control. That was all the ammunition she needed to
create new intimacy with Jim, the "Super-Weed-Wacker," and
to get a kick out of his excitement, rather than try to kill
it.
And to support him further she's going to buy him some
goggles this weekend to protect his eyes from the stones
that pop up when the wacker sends them flying.
Without loving awareness, the weed-wacker could have been
the catalyst for some stupid fights. But instead, it's a fun
new member of the family and a source of joy for both of
us.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
Thank you for your interesting columns. I'm learning from
them.
Here's.my question:.How do I keep the romance in this
relationship really alive and burning. My boyfriend lives
back home in Africa and I study in England, and will be for
a couple of years. We do love each other very much, and do
hope for marriage soon when the Lord gives a GO!
It's challenging sustaining our love over the miles, but
we are trying thru emails, and occasional phone calls, not
to mention the costs involved.
I would like my relationship to be alive and full of
vigor. I kindly request suggestions.
Also I happen to be pursuing my medical career, hoping to
complete in 2 years, and hopefully be married. My boyfriend
is not in the medical profession, but we've been alerted how
busy it can all be. I'm kind of finding it hard picturing
myself with a family, married and my career, I don't want to
scare him off with this busy career. I do happen to be the
family type and would like to spend time with my family when
married. Any suggestions.
Thank you.
Parted by Miles
Dear Parted by Miles,
First of all, you can't scare him off with a busy
schedule if what you have is real love. Nor can the miles
between you dampen the spirit in your hearts if you are both
determined to be together when you finish school. And you
are already staying in touch through email and phone
calls.
So we think there must be more to your request for help
than you have shared with us.
Perhaps it is your discomfort about being the one who is
out of your country and not your man. Or perhaps it's your
fear that you are being more ambitious than your boyfriend.
We can only guess.
The fact is that many, many women have demanding careers
and families. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Many would
tell you Yes! In fact, in one-third of married couples in
the U.S. the woman earns more than the man. And certainly
many of these couples are having children. So there's no
reason you can't do it as well. Unless there's more to your
concerns than you've told us.
Please let us know.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
August 13-19
Loving Endearments
Even the simplest moment is an opportunity for real
romance, the kind of romance that's available everyday.
JUDITH: This afternoon I went to the dentist and then to
the market. I saw seedless watermelons on sale and bought
two. I know Jim loves seedless watermelon and I was very
pleased to be bringing them home for him and us.
JIM: When Judith arrived she said "I have a treat.
They're in the car." I went to the cars and saw that they
were huge. As I brought them in Judith told me they were on
sale. Okay, so where's the romance?
JUDITH: I was delighted to see Jim's delight with the
seedless treasures. He smiled and was truly appreciative.
JIM: And I know Judith loves a bargain. I imagined her
delight in finding such large watermelons at so good a
price. We stood together in the kitchen sweetly appreciating
each other for what pleased and pleasured us. That's
real romance. Genuinely felt love and affection in the midst
of a very daily event. You don't have to look for fireworks
to feel romance. It's all around you everyday, in the small
delights that convey your ongoing love for your partner and
for your relationship.
The New Intimacy
We want to continue with the idea of intimacy contained
in a simple everyday event.
For example, the simple handshake. That common gesture,
recognized throughout the world, happens countless times a
day. It is so common that we take it for granted. But a
moment's thought reveals that, when a handshake is sincere,
it is both complex and complete while being exquisitely
simple.
First, it is an act of giving. You extend your hand to
another as a means of greeting. You reach out as an
expression of strength or tenderness, as a way of making
yourself available.
At the same time, you accept the other person's hand as a
way of welcoming, of recognizing, of affirming.
In one and the same moment, you give yourself and accept
the other, and you do it without thinking. Both of you,
giving and receiving, open and available, connected and
intimate.
Why do we write about this? To heighten your awareness,
and ours, to the many times and many ways we make contact
with one another without truly appreciating what is going
on. We miss the subtle which is before our very eyes. And
then we are trapped into looking for that which is
emotionally intense as the only feeling-filled experience
that catches our attention.
Have you been in a movie theater recently and felt
bombarded by the sound level? That's an example of the need
to ratchet up the intensity as a way of feeling alive.
How many people break off their relationships because
"the thrill is gone?" They yearn for the beginning-time when
it was impossible to miss the newness.
You've heard the complaint that the older we get the less
wonder there is in life. That's followed by the wish to be
like a child, with the hope of being dazzled again with
awe.
We confuse that childlike wonder with the need to have
emotionally large experiences. In other words, if we don't
get knocked out of our socks, like a child seeing something
for the very first time, whatever we're experiencing is too
familiar to be interesting. Then we're forced to emotionally
rev up our experiences to make them meaningful. Yet the
awesomeness is everywhere around us, when we learn to look
to the subtle, the simple and the daily.
To keep romance alive, begin looking to the ordinary, to
that which is around you every day. Then ask yourself
"What's going on here that I haven't paid attention to?" At
first you probably won't see much difference. But that's
just a matter of habit. As you continue to open to what is
not readily apparent you will begin to see more and more and
more. Then the wonder returns. Not as childlike wonder, but
as an adult mature wonder.
When you make a sincere commitment to open your eyes,
mind and heart, then even a simple handshake will bring you
joy and the awareness that your life is filled with pleasure
and meaning, even in the hard times.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
My life basically consists of taking care of my children
(19 months and 5 months old ), my grandfather ( almost 80
years old ), my husband and of course myself. I wake up
every morning, get the kids ready to go to the sitters and
get myself ready and out the door by 7:20 a.m. On the days
my husband opens at his work I have to help him get ready
too. I work from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Mon-Fri. After work I go
pick up the kids from the sitters and if my husband opens I
go pick him up then go home. When I get home I immediately
make dinner, get the kids cleaned up and ready for bed. I
then wash the dishes and put them away and get myself ready
for bed. I have to clean on the weekends.
My grandfather is almost blind and can't see the messes
he makes, so I have to clean up after him. My husband hardly
helps me voluntarily. I have to ask him for his help almost
all the time. We get along pretty well, but I wish he would
put himself in my shoes.
We are going through a bankruptcy because we put
ourselves on too much debt before we got married.
My questions are... How do I find time to take care of
myself so I can be a better wife and mother? What do I need
to change about myself to get my husband to understand where
I'm coming from? How can I show my husband that I love and
respect him for who he is?
My husband and I are both 23 yrs. old and I am going to
start school in the fall, but he doesn't know what he wants
to do with his life. How can I encourage him to be the head
of the household and help him figure out what he wants to do
for the rest of his life? I feel really lost and
helpless.
Sincerely, Loving Wife and Mother
Dear Wife and Mother,
The only way to find the answers to your questions -- is
to talk with your husband, ask questions to see how he
understands the workload in the house, and insist on talking
and investigating until the two of you understand one
another and know your goals in life. This may take weeks,
months, even years. But you must be persistent or you will
both lapse back into the lack of focus and unrealistic
expectations of life that got you into debt before you were
even married.
Be firm and respectful of your husband, but do not back
down about your need for him to handle ½ of the house
and kids and your grandfather. Period. Somehow you learned
to take care of everyone but yourself. Is that what your
parents required of you? Is that what you learned at church?
Wherever it came from, it is a poor model of womanhood for
your kids and it enables your husband to remain a boy.
Your relationship needs to be on equal footing for there
to be hope of a good future between the two of you --
otherwise you will strangle your love and life with
resentment and anger. Don't do it. You are young, so you may
need to grow considerable backbone in order to deal more
effectively with the challenges you face.
We support you in doing so!!!
© 2001 The New Intimacy
August 6-12
Loving Endearments
You can offer an endearment to strangers.
Recently we were driving home when, about one hundred
feet ahead of us a deer sprang from the woods. As it was
coming down from its leap it landed on the hood of a brand
new car, was thrown about fifteen feet into the air and onto
the medium, and then leapt up and darted away. The deer was
no doubt shocked, but it was obviously unhurt.
The driver pulled her car to the side and, as we passed,
we decided to stop. Judith got out and walked to the other
car to see an older woman driving and a three year old child
in a safety seat in back. The child was wide-eyed and the
driver was alright.
"Thank you for stopping," she said as she pulled Judith
close to protect her from the traffic.
"We were concerned for you," Judith said.
"Thank you so very much for caring," the woman smiled.
"We're a bit shocked but alright."
As Judith was about to return to our car, the woman
tugged at her arm and said again, "Thank you so very much
for caring."
We will never see her again. But we will remain a small
part of one another's lives forever.
That's the power of an endearment. They are always
remembered, always cherished, and always create a real sense
of connection.
The New Intimacy
At the heart of the new intimacy is the capacity to
consciously open yourself and take in more and more of who
your partner truly is. That's much easier when what you want
to take in is familiar, something you already know and like.
But when it comes to differences, ranging from those that
are mildly dissimilar, to those that are foreign, or those
you've been forbidden to even consider, then love may no
longer be so easy or even so attractive.
Simply put, loving someone who is like you is love, but
it's elementary and will remain relatively superficial.
Loving someone who is different is a love that requires
commitment and consciousness and care. It can take you into
profound realms of personal growth and remain a life long
adventure.
The more you are willing to learn, to extend yourself
beyond what you've known, beyond what you are accustomed to,
you will be opening yourself to the vast panorama of life
and love.
That kind of openness was very rare as recently as one
hundred years ago. People hardly moved away from home. They
married someone from the same community, whose lifestyle and
values were like their own. Their roles were clear and set
by tradition.
Today, many of us move away from where we were born and
raised. We meet people who are very different from those we
knew growing up. What we want and expect from intimacy and
relationship is far less determined by rigid social
guidelines and more the result of our personal desires. That
means we now have to rely on our own knowledge, experience
and consciousness to discover what we want and how we will
conduct our lives.
It is vitally important today to bring a strong sense of
identity to our relationships, because increasingly we are
free to make personal choices and are responsible for
managing the consequences. A strong, healthy identity will
allow you to stop experiencing differences as tiresome, even
threatening so you can come to respect and cherish them as
the exciting blessings they are.
Creating and sustaining a fulfilling love relationship is
one of the most important things we do in life. Yet almost
no one receives any preparation. Would you send your child
to a school with unprepared teachers? Would you take your
car to an untrained mechanic? Would you trust your surgery
to someone whose only credential is an intense longing to be
a doctor? Yet, with twenty-five dollars for the license and
a willing minister or judge, anybody can leap into a trial
by fire -- get married and have kids, all on the dream of
"happily ever after."
We live in very challenging times, so we need to have
compassion for ourselves. But there is much we can learn to
make loving and being loved more rewarding and deeply
fulfilling.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
I have had a relationship with someone for 5 years. We
have been living together for 1 year. He goes to Cancun
every year with his male friends and refuses to take me. He
feels that he needs this time to chill with his male friends
and then he also wants a separate vacation with me. I can't
get him to agree to stop going to Cancun alone.
This summer he is planning to go again and we had a huge
fight and he does not care -- he is still going. According
to him he needs this every year. I have never gone on a
vacation without him but I feel that it is time. I am
planning an all inclusive trip for a week to Punta Cana in
the Dominican Republic alone. Now I know that this is not
good for the relationship but I do not find a way to get him
to understand that we are a family and that he can no longer
go on vacation with male friends.
According to him he is not sleeping with anyone but what
do I know. I feel that this is the only way to get him to
understand that what he is doing is wrong. Help, how would
you resolve this? I have not told him that I want to go
alone. A part of me just wants to surprise him and tell him
a day before I leave because, I know that he will make me
feel guilty about going alone or it might make things
worse.
Please Help!
Dear Help,
You are stuck in a classic power struggle. Although
Cancun and Punta Cana seem to be the issue, what is really
at stake here is each of your unwillingness to change your
minds.
He refuses to consider your needs and even withstands a
huge fight to maintain his position. You insist that going
away with his male friends is wrong and that he can no
longer do that. And neither of you has the care to sit down
and sincerely listen to the other. In short, you are at
war.
You say you don't know whether or not he is sleeping with
anyone, even after he's told you he's not. After fiver
years, have there been any other clues that might lead you
to not believe him? Or is it just about this vacation
fight?
If in fact he is not sleeping with anyone, what exactly
is the problem with going away with his guy friends? Why
does he have to chill every year without you? Do you know?
Really know?
Are you enraged because he will not take you? If he is
truly going away with the guys, do you really want to be the
only female there? Imagine you going away with the girls and
his insisting that he be included? Would you want that?
About your going to Punta Cana. If you spring it on him
as a power play, yes that will probably make things worse.
Why? Because it is just another punch in this fight you are
both carrying on.
Look, there is more here than separate vacations and,
given what you've written, neither one of you are addressing
the underlying issues.
Both of you are defending something you consider
precious. What is so important here to you? What is so
critical for him? And look to your feelings about it rather
than who goes where with whom.
You seem to feel unwanted and abandoned by him with
regard to this issue. He appears to feel smothered by you so
he needs to get away. Your responses are typical for your
genders.
We strongly suggest you get some counseling around this
so that when things flare up there is a reasonable third
party who can help you through the hurts.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
July 30-August 5
Loving Endearments
Growing up as children we are often told that our anger
is inappropriate, inaccurate, and unwanted. So we are left
to repress that which is natural to us and even worse to
decide there is something wrong with us for even having the
feelings. Then as adults our anger comes out sideways,
passive/aggressively, or as abuse both to ourselves and
others, along with a debilitating guilt accompanied by a
sense that there si something bad at the level of our
soul.
One of the deepest and most healing loving endearments
two people can give to one another is to respect their anger
because it is conveying something that needs to be said and
heard.
JIM: We have learned to respect and treat one another's
anger seriously, because we trust that whenever anger arises
or erupts something needs attention.
JUDITH: That's the value of anger. It announces, loud and
clear, that some hurt has occurred. This is critical t
understanding the real meaning of anger. It is almost never
about the content. For example, it is almost never about not
having taken the garbage out, or not checking with one
another about something important.
JIM: It is most often about feeling ignored, not
respected, being taken for granted, not being listened to,
feeling
unwanted, feeling less-than, feeling overlooked,
unappreciated, not included, or some other experience of
being hurt. That's the foundation of the anger and that's
what must be dealt with.
JUDITH: So, taking each other's anger seriously, means
you take each other seriously, and, after all, isn't that
what you want ---- really.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim:
I am turning 34 next week and I am single, and somewhat
sad at the idea that I still don't have a serious
relationship that may lead to marriage. I have always wanted
to get married, it's such a cultural expectation for me, but
also a personal wish. Based on my choice of partners, I
acknowledge that I select men who are scared of commitment
and really reluctant to move toward marriage. Usually I am
the one who brings up the idea of marriage -- making them
feel "pressured" by my desire for marriage. I departed from
my boyfriend, right after Christmas, because he also said
that he did not want to marry at this time and why string me
along if he doesn't know that marriage will happen in the
future. We had been together for seven months and he had me
meet his family for the holidays. I don't ask for marriage
now, but I do see it for myself in the future. The minute I
say this to men, they seem to leave. Am I sabotaging my
relationships by voicing my interest to get married? I have
been unable to attract a long-term partner into my life. I
know that marriage is scary but I am willing and able to
enter into a committed relationship, regardless of fear and
any insecurities I might have -- but I don't meet men who
want to go in that direction with me. What must I do? If I
am setting myself up for disappointment, then I need to
figure out how to stop that. I really want to be committedto
someone who wants to settle down. I really don't want to
enter another relationship that leads to "just being
friends" --What must I do, think or adjust in order to
invite a partner into my life?
Dear Still Single:
You ask "Am I sabotaging my relationships by voicing my
interest to get married?" This is a wrong question. Why?
Because it keeps you focused on the men and their behaviors.
You place all of the power and responsibility for what
happens with them and then say -- "The minute I say this to
men, (i.e. your desire for marriage) they seem to leave."
What you are overlooking is your admission that you select
men who are afraid of commitment. Your assessment maybe
accurate. They may be afraid, as you say. But you keep
choosing them!
So, who's afraid of commitment? Are you really, really,
willing to enter a committed relationship? The evidence
would not seem to support what you believe about yourself.
We live our priorities. That is a fact of life. Sometimes
those priorities are unconscious. When they are, they drive
us to repeat patterns. When those patterns go against what
we say we want, we can be assured that an unconscious
process is in charge.You say you want to be committed but do
not choose appropriate partners. What are you in allegiance
to that results in the choices you are making? There is a
value in choosing men who won't work out. What is it? This
is the question you must answer.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
July 30-August 5
Loving Endearments
Growing up as children we are often told that our anger is
inappropriate, inaccurate, and unwanted. So we are left to
repress that which is natural to us and even worse to decide
there is something wrong with us for even having the
feelings. Then as adults our anger comes out sideways,
passive/aggressively, or as abuse both to ourselves and
others, along with a debilitating guilt accompanied by a
sense that there si something bad at the level of our
soul.
One of the deepest and most healing loving endearments
two people can give to one another is to respect their anger
because it is conveying something that needs to be said and
heard.
JIM: We have learned to respect and treat one another's
anger seriously, because we trust that whenever anger arises
or erupts something needs attention.
JUDITH: That's the value of anger. It announces, loud and
clear, that some hurt has occurred. This is critical t
understanding the real meaning of anger. It is almost never
about the content. For example, it is almost never about not
having taken the garbage out, or not checking with one
another about something important.
JIM: It is most often about feeling ignored, not
respected, being taken for granted, not being listened to,
feeling
unwanted, feeling less-than, feeling overlooked,
unappreciated, not included, or some other experience of
being hurt. That's the foundation of the anger and that's
what must be dealt with.
JUDITH: So, taking each other's anger seriously, means
you take each other seriously, and, after all, isn't that
what you want ---- really.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim:
I am turning 34 next week and I am single, and somewhat
sad at the idea that I still don't have a serious
relationship that may lead to marriage. I have always wanted
to get married, it's such a cultural expectation for me, but
also a personal wish. Based on my choice of partners, I
acknowledge that I select men who are scared of commitment
and really reluctant to move toward marriage. Usually I am
the one who brings up the idea of marriage -- making them
feel "pressured" by my desire for marriage. I departed from
my boyfriend, right after Christmas, because he also said
that he did not want to marry at this time and why string me
along if he doesn't know that marriage will happen in the
future. We had been together for seven months and he had me
meet his family for the holidays. I don't ask for marriage
now, but I do see it for myself in the future. The minute I
say this to men, they seem to leave. Am I sabotaging my
relationships by voicing my interest to get married? I have
been unable to attract a long-term partner into my life. I
know that marriage is scary but I am willing and able to
enter into a committed relationship, regardless of fear and
any insecurities I might have -- but I don't meet men who
want to go in that direction with me. What must I do? If I
am setting myself up for disappointment, then I need to
figure out how to stop that. I really want to be committedto
someone who wants to settle down. I really don't want to
enter another relationship that leads to "just being
friends" --What must I do, think or adjust in order to
invite a partner into my life?
Dear Still Single:
You ask "Am I sabotaging my relationships by voicing my
interest to get married?" This is a wrong question. Why?
Because it keeps you focused on the men and their behaviors.
You place all of the power and responsibility for what
happens with them and then say -- "The minute I say this to
men, (i.e. your desire for marriage) they seem to leave."
What you are overlooking is your admission that you select
men who are afraid of commitment. Your assessment maybe
accurate. They may be afraid, as you say. But you keep
choosing them!
July 23-29
Loving Endearments
Taking delight in your partner, your lover your mate, is
definitely a loving endearment.
JIM: Yesterday afternoon we were in a video production
studio editing what's called a media reel. It's made up of a
series of clips from television shows we've been on like The
View, 48 Hours, Mars & Venus, and others.
JUDITH: We are preparing it for this fall when our next
book -- Be Loved For Who You Really Are -- will be
published. We will use it in our media promotions. Editing,
for those of you who've never done it, is very exacting,
slow and can be tedious.
JIM: As we were working, Judith, sitting next to me,
began to do leg exercises. She would raise her feet making
her calves parallel with the floor and set them
down.
JUDITH: Although I loved what we were doing, there were
moments when we had to wait for the editor to do something
technically, so I thought I'd use the time
productively.
JIM: At first I thought she was just stretching, but
after two or three leg raises, I knew she was exercising. I
was delighted. There she was, being inventive as well as
turning down-time into something valuable for her.
JUDITH: Jim smiled and I knew he was appreciating my
mini-workout.
JIM: I was. And I was admiring the way she goes about her
life. A smile, a gesture, a small word can communicate
your delight to your partner and both of you can enjoy the
pleasure of being lovingly endearing with one another.
It doesn't take much.
The New Intimacy
The notion of "dependence" gets a very bad rap inour
culture. The truth is, we are all dependent upon one
another. That's the only way we can survive.
And yes, there are those who have so little sense of self
that they need to feel clingingly close with others to feel
in the least way secure. This is not dependence but
desperation.
Real dependence is at the core a mature character,
someone who is strong, self-confident and resilient and yet
humble enough to know he or she does not, in fact cannot, go
it alone.
This is especially important in intimate relationships.
Over time two people come to need one another -- not just
for the day-to-day tasks and chores, but for something far
deeper. Their very being together becomes a subtle tapestry
woven from their individual identities into the "we" they
become. That "we" cannot thrive without each of them
investing heartfully into what they each have chosen to
create.
As your relationship becomes significant to you, you need
your partner. You depend upon your partner. And in so doing,
who you are becomes a composite of each of you individually
as well as the couple, the "we" you also are.
In the climactic moment of the film, "Jerry McGuire," Tom
Cruise says to Rene Zellwieger, "You complete me." There is
a real truth to that line. We do complete one another, even
though we may not be able to articulate just how, and that's
where dependence comes in.
To admit dependence as part of who you are is to add to
the completion of yourself, because dependence is part of
the very fabric of this life. We cannot survive without it,
let alone flourish.
So -- how are you dependent upon the one you love? How is
he or she dependent upon you? How can you celebrate the ways
you need each other?
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
This is my first time asking advice on my relationship. I
guess after 12 years I didn't feel I needed help.
What I'm having a problem with is that my husband drove
trucks over the road for a while. Now I kind of expected him
to fool around but what kind of puzzled me is that he gave
me permission to fool around on him.
The other thing is that he is kind of getting kinkier as
he gets older. Is this normal? I mean for him to go from
normal standard love making to just out and out raunchy sex?
Don't get me wrong! It's interesting to say the least but
I'm still puzzled as to why.
He's 43 going on 18. Does that make any sense? Is he
going through a mid-life crisis or something? I'm just
afraid that he is being too open-minded and I'm going to be
the one getting hurt in some way. Please advise.
Dear Puzzled,
You ask if this is a mid-life crisis. In a way it is. The
simplest way to understand a mid-life crisis is to realize
at 43 your husband is old enough to see that many of his
youthful dreams are not going to materialize. He's old
enough to know who he is and to suffer some regrets for
things that might have been.
It is not abnormal for some men (and women too) to
stretch themselves way beyond what they're accustomed to in
order to stave off the feelings of constraint that can
accompany mid-life recognitions. You've surely heard of the
45 year old guy who starts chasing 20 year old skirts, or
the 45 year old woman who suddenly finds younger men to her
liking. That rarely has anything to do with sex and more to
do with resisting the aging process.
So, regarding your husband, have you talked with him
about his new sexual appetite? Have you told him your fears
about being hurt? Have you asked him what hes after
with his new sexual interests? It also seems like you are
enjoying some of what's going on and if you weren't
concerned with getting hurt, you might enjoy it even
further. Have you talked with him about that?
Please let him know how you are feeling. Tell him you're
afraid. Invite him into your concerns. He may open your mind
while you are opening his about how you feel.
Is there risk involved? Sure. But there's even more risk
if you two aren't emotionally and spiritually intimate while
your sex life is changing.
Talk with him. Let him know. And find out what's in his
heart.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
July 16-22
Loving Endearments
JIM: Last week my mother visited us for three days. She
is 85 and has lived her entire life in the house she now
occupies in Detroit.
JUDITH: Jim has lived in four different states and in
both urban and rural settings. There is a very large
difference in the way he and his mother experience the
world.
Sincere respect of differences is the foundation of any
loving endearment.
JIM: For Sunday brunch, we took my other to the Tavern at
Beekman Arms in Rhinebeck, NY the oldest inn in the United
States. We knew she would be stretching well beyond what
she's accustomed to.
JUDITH: Although she had a good time, she clearly felt
awkward and unsure of what to do. So we eased her concerns
by asking her what she was feeling, and what she thought of
the food.
JIM: As we were driving away, she thanked us for being so
sensitive to her and making it so comfortable for her. And
she wanted us to know what a good time she had.
JUDITH: And what did we do? We respected that it was an
environment far outside of what she was used to. We
respected her anxiety, her uncertainty and helped her relax.
And we asked her beforehand whether or not she'd like to go
there. If she'd said no, we would have chosen a more
familiar setting.
The New Intimacy
We received the following from a subscriber: "The
question I debate w/ people is can a person who has been
intimate w/ someone evolve into a pure friendship if both
people agree they are not suited for each other as mates but
as friends?"
In our work we've heard this question before.
First, for clarification, the word "intimate" above means
sexual. It so often happens that when two people stop being
sexual, whatever relationship they had dissolves -- often
with recrimination and resentment. But why? What is it about
having been sexual that carries such a burden?
Why is it that when two people share their deepest
feelings, concerns, hopes and ambitions with each other and
then break up -- that kind of intimacy doesn't carry the
same foreboding?
We have given sexuality far too much importance in the
scheme of things.
Granted, during orgasm one can be "out of control" and
thereby reveal a vulnerability that is precious and
powerful. But have you never been frightened, felt
depressed, concerned about being incompetent, or any other
vulnerable experience and shared it with a friend or lover?
Have you never wept or been paralyzed with indecision and,
in that sense, been as out of control as during an orgasm?
We need to widen our understanding of intimacy to include
the full range of self-revealing that is part of openly
being with someone.
Let's re-phrase the question. "Can a person who has
been emotionally, intellectually, sexually and spiritually
intimate w/ someone evolve into a pure friendship if both
people agree they are not suited for each other as mates but
want to be friends?"
Certainly they can. What would stop them?
We see two common reasons for terminating contact. In the
first, one person is not truly finished with their romantic
hopes and dreams and continues to muddy the waters with
anxiety, possessiveness and/or subtle, even unconscious
seductive maneuvers and the other person grows tired of the
game playing.
The other major problem arises when either one or both
find another relationship that is as deeply intimate or even
deeper. Their continuing friendship might then cause
difficulties.
If the two people continue to see each other as friends
while being romantically involved elsewhere, then they must
reveal their friendship and its former romantic roots to
their new lovers -- otherwise they are carrying on an
emotional affair which cheats the current lovers as
significantly as a sexual affair. If their continuing
friendship does not have a negative impact on their new
relationships, then so much the better.
However, it is the new lover, the mate who needs to be
allowed in the most intimately and that kind of emotional
and sexual intensity is not to be shared. Herein lies the
problem.
You cannot be equally close to two people. It is at this
point that the friendship must recede.
But, to believe that having been sexual is in itself an
impediment to an ongoing friendship is to elevate sex to a
level of power that it does not deserve. Sex is wonderful,
but it is only one facet in the jewel of being with
someone.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
First, let me tell you how much I like your column. My
husband and I just celebrated our tenth anniversary, took a
long-belated honeymoon without the kids, and are looking
forward to the next ten years. Your wisdom and insight bring
me hope and skills to get us there, in this time when many
of our friends are leaving their long-term relationships.
This brings me to my dilemma.
About eight months ago, two very close friends of ours
who were partners got a "divorce". One of them had an
affair, and decided to leave the home the couple had built
together to live with her lover, in a town about an hour
away. I converse and spend time with the friend who was
"dumped" quite often. I'm having a hard time figuring out my
relationship with the friend who had the affair,
however.
First of all, it was not something I would have expected
of her, so I'm still shocked and a little disappointed. I
really do not want to get to know this new lover at this
time, since all I know of her is that she pursued my friend
even though my friend was in a committed relationship, and
that bothers me.
And then there's the fact that my friend moved so far
away, making physical contact that much more difficult. I'm
trying hard not to be judgmental, and I did value our
friendship at one time, but now, I'm just
confused.
I know you typically deal with intimacy between partners,
but how about friends? This person has not tried to explain
her actions to me, and I feel it's not my place to ask.
After all, she didn't do anything to me, only to er partner.
I would appreciate any advice you have on this matter. Thank
you very much!!--C
Dear C,
Thank you for your kind words about us. We are delighted
and supported by your response.
There are several issues here you must face. First, what
has been shocked are your expectations. She behaved in a way
that radically upset the picture you'd drawn of her. That
doesn't mean she is not responsible. Before the "divorce"
she behaved in ways that gave credence to your expectations.
Nevertheless, the depth of your shock is equal to the
certainty you gave to who you thought she was.
We assume her affair didn't happen in an instant. To have
left the home she'd participated in building must have
required some time to persuade her. But she was persuadable
That is at the crux of the issue. She was persuadable. So
she either was not as satisfied as she appeared in the
relationship you knew, or she saw something so incredible
that she could not resist. Although the latter does happen,
the former is more likely.
You say it's not your place to ask her to explain her
actions. Why not? She behaved as a friend and so she has a
responsibility to you. She may not respect that
responsibility but it is there nonetheless. If you do not
ask, you are doing yourself a disservice. You have been
fractured and you must do whatever you need to heal
yourself. When you say she didn't do anything to you.
That's not true. She disrupted you and all those who she
helped believe she was content in her previous relationship.
You say you were very close. That counts for something. We
are not beings who live in isolation from one another. We
are deeply, subtly and intricately inter-woven in each
other's lives and if we enjoy the benefits of that intimacy
we must hold ourselves accountable for the impact of our
behaviors on that intimacy.
We suggest you call her. You need to do that for you own
well being and, if she was a friend, she owes you some
explanation. If we are not responsible to one another for
what we allow others to believe about us, then chaos
reigns.
© 2001 The New Intimacy
July 9-15
Loving Endearments
In "Be Loved For Who You Really Are" we show you how to
develop the Grace of Deep Intimacy that blesses any couple's
life when they travel the full journey of what love has to
offer.
One of the blessings of a spiritually sustained romantic
love is that in it you find yourself relating to all of life
through love. In this way, loving endearments can come from
and be given to even strangers.
For example, Judith has an old wrought iron bird cage
stand that she found in a junk store ages ago and now she
wants a plant to hand where the bird cage used to be. Today
at our supermarket (45 minutes down the mountain) the
following endearment occurred.
JUDITH: I asked the woman watering the outdoor plants if
she had any small hanging planters. She said no and then
offered to walk me over to The Dollar Store (three stores
away) to show me a small planter that might work. To do so
she had to leave her post outside the supermarket where she
sells the plants. I was so touched by her generosity and
interest in sharing what she knew.
When she showed me what she had in mind, it wasn't quite
right but I'd been opened to think about some other options.
As we walked back, I thanked her for her generosity and told
her how meaningful her suggestions had been. She smiled and
acknowledged that sometimes we just need someone else's
input and then helped me pick out the best plant for my
experiment and asked me to keep her posted on how it worked
out.
I asked her name -- Tina. And then I thanked her once
more, assuring her that I would give her a full report the
next time I saw her.
We had been endearing with one another -- and she
initiated it by offering to take me to the other store.
Years ago I would have been too uptight to let a stranger
give to me in that way. Today I can smile about this
wonderful experience and look forward to buying and talking
about plants with Tina.
The New Intimacy
When you put on an emotional mask to hide yourself, you
are making a conscious or unconscious assumption that others
will not accept you for who you are. Your mask is supposed
to change how you appear to others, to stand in for or
replace who you are, in the hope that people will accept
your "made-to-order self."
Masks are often necessary. It would be foolish, if not
dangerous, to suggest that you just drop your masks and go
out into the world soul-naked. But as your masks
successfully keep you distant from those around you, they
also keep you distant from yourself.
Masks hide all kinds of perceived inadequacies. You may
not feel attractive enough, so you wear heavy makeup or
drive an expensive car you can't afford. You may thinkyou're
not smart enough so you purposely limit your discussions
with friends to a narrow range of topics. You may feel you
need to compensate for being overweight or underweight, too
sensitive or not sensitive enough, frightened, indecisive or
anything else you feel you need to conceal.
But masks don't hide just the bad things. We often use
them to hide our talents and dreams, our skills and
abilities in order to purchase acceptability. In our
culture, women have often had to deny their own competence
in the workplace in order to appear "ladylike." Many men
have had to suppress their tender feelings to protect
themselves from being called "wimps." It's not uncommon for
teenagers to sabotage or deny their academic excellence in
order to belong. Mask wearing is always a performance
calculated to produce a specific result.
The longer you keep the mask on the more practiced you
become at being what you imagine someone else thinks is
acceptable. You become increasingly dulled to your own
impulses, feelings and responses and are finally unable, for
all practical purposes, to distinguish between who you are
and who you are trying to be.
Even so, the truth of who you are never dies. It echoes
out through a vague sense of fraudulence and through an
almost silent guilt. Somewhere within you know you are
acting out a deceit. You know you are accountable for the
self-rejection that initiated the whole process, the
self-rejection you are doomed to perpetuate as long as you
keep concealed.
It doesn't matter how successful you are with your
disguise.You still lose yourself. In fact, your success is a
death sentence, creating more and more emptiness, more and
more loneliness, more and more spiritual hunger, because
your mask cannot ever fulfill those you are trying to please
nor can it be fulfilled by them. You can only come back to
life by reclaiming your self and that's one of the primary
rewards of lovework.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
I just found out a few days ago that my boyfriend of a
year has had an outbreak of herpes, both in his mouth and on
his genitals. Well, he then broke down and told me that his
previous girlfriend/mother of his 2 year old daughter had
them, but never had the symptoms while they were together.
He's been 100% faithful to me (I know), so he had to get it
from her. The question is....I haven't had any symptoms yet,
but I more than likely have it because we've been together a
year, and do not use protection. We were planning on getting
married and moving in together within the next couple of
months, but I feel really down about this whole "showing
symptoms now" thing. I don't know if I will ever be able to
kiss him, much less have sex with him ever again. Is it too
late, should I just stay with him and deal with it, or
should I kick him to the curb?
Pondering-the-thought, need some advice...........
Dear Pondering,
The very first thing you should do is consult a doctor.
Herpes is a virus and that can be tested for. Also, has he
seen a doctor? Does he have medical confirmation that what
he is showing are in fact herpes? But these are secondary
issues.
You have framed this as an all-or-nothing response --
stay with him or kick him out. We appreciate your surprise
and hurt and feeling betrayed. But the point here is whether
or not your boyfriend is sincere. And whether or not you
actually love him.
Do you believe him when he says that his ex-wife "never
had the symptoms while they were together." You say he has
been 100% faithful. How does that factor into his being
sincere? You've been with him for a year so there clearly
are things you enjoy about him.
When we are shocked, as you have been, we go into hyper-
protective mode. That's an intensely black-and-white way of
being. Given that you are unsure of what to do, trust your
instincts and allow the shock and hurt to subside. We'd
advise that you keep your sexual distance during that time.
And then, when you feel stronger, talk with him about his
side. How he feels? What guilt, embarrassment, shame does he
feel? What remorse?
Although it may look like a one-way-street -- that is,
only you have input and it's exclusively your choice, that
leaves you alone without information you need to make a
decision you will be comfortable with.
You two need some heart-to hearts. Express the hurt,
fear, rage, whatever so everything is on the table. Then
decide if love will prevail -- or will it be shock and
disappointment that wins your heart?
© 2001 The New Intimacy
July 2-8
Loving Endearments
Sometimes a loving gesture can appear to be just a chore
or a job. But that's only when it's done without any
awareness of your lover or spouse or not received with
loving gratitude.
JUDITH: For instance, we went grocery shopping a couple
of days ago and Jim got a pint of lovely, fresh
strawberries.
JIM: But I didn't eat them right away. In fact I'd
forgotten about them.
JUDITH: Tonight, as I was getting dinner ready I spotted
the strawberries hidden behind some left-overs in the
refrigerator. So I stemmed and them and cut them up.
JIM: When she served them to me for dessert with a little
local maple syrup, I knew it was a love gift.
Stay conscious about showing your love through your
everyday "chores."
The New Intimacy
In our May 4th issue we wrote about the need to say "I'm
Sorry," in a relationship. Michael M. sent in this
response.
"When "Love Story" first came out, I was about 18 years
old. My cousin (female and about 14) asked me what I thought
about that catch phrase from the movie, "Love means never
having to say you're sorry".
In that issue we said -- "It suggests that two people who
love one another never crash into each other, never step on
each other's toes, never say or do anything hurtful. Yet,
anyone who's been in an intimate relationship knows that's
not true."
MM - Sounded like exactly what I said to her at the time.
She gave me a different perspective that was not recognized
in your (or my) interpretation."
"She said, "Those words don't mean that you never do
anything wrong, never do anything you have to say 'I'm
sorry' for. It means that, when two people are truly in
love, truly soulmates, that when they have the occasional
lapse into the imperfections of humanity and get angry or do
something hurtful, then when the 'perpetrator' comes back
apologetic, he (or she) doesn't actually have to SAY 'I'm
sorry'. The other person already knows it. 'Love means never
having to SAY you're sorry'"
Thanks Michael. Yes, it's true that there are times when
there is no need to SAY anything. In fact, speaking may just
get in the way.
However, our problem with your cousin's interpretation is
that it assumes a lot. First, that the offended partner
already "knows" the other feels bad. Sometimes that's true.
other times not. But it asks for people to read each other's
minds.
Also, if they need not SAY "I'm sorry," then they need
not SAY "I love you" or "How was your day" or "Gee, you look
good" or "What's going on with you?" Such soulmates just
know. Well, that may apply at some times in some cases, but
most people need to say it and hear it -- whatever it
is.
We would rather not leave love to mind reading. After
years of working with couples, and witnessing the loneliness
and desperation that arises out of silence, we opt for
speaking.
So we heartily suggest that expressing thoughts and
feelings is not only safer, it actually fosters more
intimacy because there has to be an overt giving and
receiving. When two people do that, they lay themselves open
to one another, which is at the heart of committed
intimacy.
One more point, we don't believe the "occasional lapses
into imperfection" are in fact imperfections. They are part
of the very fabric of this life. It seems to us that if we
relate to them as imperfections, we deny their value as
teachers and we hold a false notion of what it means to be
human. And at the worst, we use "true love" as an escape
from the fullness of what this life presents to
us.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
I have been married for over 15 years. I have had a male
friend in my life for about the same amount of time. We have
seen each other over the years only as friends.
After all the years we decided to have sex. Well, I was
not quite ready for it. It was lousy. When we were done he
was deep in thought and I asked him what was wrong and all
he could say was that he was thinking about work. I feel I
ruined a good friendship by sleeping with this person.
Things are not the same. What can I do to resolve this? I
will not sleep with him again, but I would like to keep the
friendship. Thank you.
Goofed
Dear Goofed,
We are more concerned about your having sex with this
person and not caring about the impact on your marriage of
15 years than whether you can keep the friendship. What is
missing in your marriage that drove |