Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the
issue of Relationships. This section is an archive of a
weekly column featured daily on our homepage by husband and
wife psychology team, Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski.
They live in Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5 PM and
Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com.
They are the bestselling authors of "The
New Intimacy" and "Opening
to Love 365 Days a Year." Visit their website at
www.thenewintimacy.com
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You can write us with questions about your personal
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Archive 2000. Updated
9/30/01. October 1-7 Loving Endearments The stereotype of men tells us that they are incapable of being nurturing, attentive, and supportive. Well we're always delighted to share stories about men that counter such a crippling image which isn't just crippling for men but for women as well. This endearment was submitted by our subscriber Sharon. I have the most wonderful man in the world. Fred and I have a 4-year-old daughter, Logan, and I have two sons from a previous marriage, Justin, 18, and Perry, almost 16. Fred and I have been together for almost nine years. When I was 35 years old, I was pregnant with our daughter. Fred stuck by me my entire pregnancy. He was so excited that I was pregnant and he just couldn't believe it. He did not think he could have any children. All through my moaning and groaning and getting larger during my pregnancy, Fred was there for anything and everything. I had a scheduled C-section for delivery of our daughter, Logan, on St. Patrick's Day in 1997. He never left my side the entire time I was in the hospital. He did everything for me. No one had ever treated me that well in my whole life. It felt so real and so special for Fred to "be there" for me like that in so many different ways. I will always love him for that. I will love him for all the things he did for me and for all the love he showed me at one of the times I needed him most. Thank God for Fred. The New Intimacy In the old intimacy, very often one spouse unilaterally dictated how certain aspects their life would be and the other spouse would singularly dictate the rest. For example, he might take care of their finances. She would know nothing about their assets/investments, or on the other hand, their indebtedness. She might make all the decisions about how their house was to be decorated and he would then live according to her taste. In the new intimacy the couple jointly co-creates their life. Both people are involved in major decisions and many of the small ones. We've been having our upstairs floors worked on. Jim has really wanted the old planks laid bare. Judith was willing to see what it would look like since she'd never lived with hard wood floors. A surprise came when Jim pulled back the old grey carpet. The floors were painted colonial blue! Then we learned that was popular in the past when people had no money for rugs or carpets. The magic of differences continues when we are preparing for the day of the sanding. How do we deal with the terrible noise and dust and then the horrible smells of polyurethane? Jim would just play it by ear from the moment the floor guy arrived. Judith wanted to know what to plan for where we'd stay, what work to take with us, where we might go during the days to take care of things we needed to get done and what might be fun, like visiting the old mansions on the banks of the Hudson River down near Poughkeepsie. On the other hand, Judith would have let the floor guy fill in some small holes (3" by 10") in the flooring and as well as leave it to him to deal with the large cracks between some of the planks. Jim has made sure that those holes were filled and he did it perfectly. He will also make sure that the man has a clear idea of what we want the finished product to look like before we depart. And he made sure that everything was protected with sheets of thick plastic taped around all of the doors to the rooms where work wouldn't be done. We went together to find a local B & B that would be inexpensive and yet charming. Then we talked through the general plans and then used our natural skills and inclinations to work as a team to get ready for the floor event.. Judith organized the work to take with us and Jim prepared the floors. No one dictating. No one left in the dark about what would happen. No need to argue. No need to get in each other's way. Yet each of us was contributing and helping to make the best of the disruptive situation. That's an example of the practical, everyday romance in the magic of differences that is at the core of the new intimacy. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I am 20 years old and I believe I have found the one I want to spend my life with. He is 22 and the type of person who looks at the big picture. I take things moment by moment. We are like silver and gold, very opposite. I am extremely sensitive and like to talk about things and he keeps everything inside unless I push him. I don't want to do that but I want him to open up to me. He says he loves me too and doesn't ever want to let me go. The problem is he attends one of the best art schools in the country down in Florida and I am in school up here in New Hampshire. The relationship becomes so stressful at times because of the distance. We try to make time for each other when there isn't any. But I have never been so sure of anything in my life, he is the one for me. Right now we are "taking a break" from the stress and trying to start over. He wants to get back together when he comes home this summer. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on what I should do. When we are together it is amazing, but when we are apart we argue. I would move to Florida but he said he would never ask me to do that. We have been through so much together already. He supports me in everything. I was diagnosed with depression/panic disorder and have been suicidal in the past. But he has stuck with me anyway and loves me for who I am. I believe this relationship is worth fighting for but I am lost on how to do it. Sincerely, Lost in NH when my heart is in FL Dear Lost, First of all you are not arguing because you are apart. That you are apart geographically is merely a fact of life. So the first question is, what are you really arguing about that gets triggered by being apart? Second, if you are both so certain about one another, why are you broken up? Do you argue from feeling insecure? Are you suspicious of one another going out with other people? Do you demand that contact be made by phone and/or email when neither of you really has the time? What is it that distracts you from the reality of your two different school situations, such that you argue instead of making the most of your time apart? Now, the fact is you cannot get back together and "start over". You must live your relationship in current time and deal with your history of arguing. Given the inclusion of your diagnosis of depression/panic disorder and feeling suicidal, we want to stress the need for you to look to your family of origin for the root causes of these feelings. How weren't you made to feel safe as a child? How were you expected to meet your parents' needs, rather than your own? At least from your side of the arguing, we're betting this is where you will find the root source for your discomfort and upset. And if you are not currently in therapy, we strongly suggest you see a very experienced therapist who specializes in helping people emotionally leave their home of origin. By that we mean that you need to develop a mature, independent sense of your identity, instead of carrying around your childhood programming as if it is the world you live in now. Please let us know your response to our answer. Judith & Jim © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments This endearment was submitted by our subscriber Jodi. I met WJ through the Internet. We exchanged e-mails every day and got along great. We met in person 3 months later and spent 8 hours together. We didn't want the day to end! We kept seeing each other and one month later, I was in the hospital for abdominal surgery. I was there for 16 days and that's when I found out how special WJ really was. He came to visit one day and brought his laptop. Then he hooked it up to the phone line so I could check my e-mail! He knew that I check it every day and I wouldn't be able to for a long time...unless he helped. He also stayed past midnight several times because he knew I'm a nightowl and there were no visiting hours. Here's the topper, there I was at my most unattractive and he says, "Sure, you have a nose tube and your hair is all greasy, but you're still pretty." Romantic, huh? It's almost 2 years later, I'm healthy, and we're still together. The New Intimacy Without communication there can be no intimacy. For communication to be meaningful you and your partner have to make your thoughts and feelings available to one another. And then, you must be willing to hear each other in terms of the other's experience. By that we mean each of you must grant the other the validity of their experience. That doesn't mean you have to agree or even like what your partner is saying, feeling, doing. But to truly communicate, to permit intimacy to flourish, you must let your partner be who your partner is and visa versa. Here's an example from our lives. We've been in the middle of a heat wave. The locals tell us they haven't seen such heat over so long a span of days for years. Judith finds this kind of humid heat intolerable. We actually think she may be allergic to it. So we bought two window air-conditioners. One for Jim's office and one for Judith's. Jim decided he'd install Judith's as soon as we brought them home. Judith's initial response was to ask him if he shouldn't hire someone to do it. Jim refused and eventually got it to work. Judith was deeply impressed. Now here's the point. Judith had seen her father, time and again, try and fail to do mechanical thugs around the house. She watched her mother's resignation when he decided to yet again do something and she would scorn him behind his back. After Jim secured the A/C and had it running, Judith realized how she had unconsciously assumed Jim would fail. Her suggestion to hire a handyman was not out of affection but out of an unconscious presumption of Jim's incompetence. That's why she was so impressed when he succeeded and why she felt chagrined in realizing what she had been feeling. Judith knew she had to confess her fears and distrust to Jim. Under the circumstances her feelings were understandable and the intimacy between us deepened. That could not have happened without Judith's willingness to reveal her true feelings and Jim's willingness to hear her without taking it personally. That doesn't always happen but, when it does, it allows for the richest communication and the sweetest emotional intimacy possible. In this sense it really is true that the truth will set you free. Trust your truth. Listen to your partner's truth. Only then can you build trust in your relationship so that you can open more and more to what you have and receive more and more from it. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I have an interesting question for you that has been on my mind for a while now. My husband and I have been married for four years and are not having any problems. Recently some friends of ours, who are also married, told us that they are swingers. Meaning that they sleep with other couples. I have to admit that it does sound interesting but my husband and I are reluctant for obvious reasons. We want a stranger's opinion on this subject and would like to hear from you. Thank you, Curious in Arkansas Dear Curious, If, as you say, "it does sound interesting," then we are curious as to what you mean by the "obvious reasons." If by that you mean being awkward and having sex with someone other than your spouse, then what, we ask, sounds interesting? If you do this the awkwardness will fade in time like everything and anything that is new until it is not. But that doesn't seem to be the point. Rather than ask us, you should trust your reluctance. Look into it. What is your reluctance telling you you would have to lose if you went ahead? Could it be that the "obvious reasons" are that you might lose each other? Or are you afraid you might enjoy it, which is an entirely different issue and will send you into a vast unknown? One of Jim's philosophy teachers once said, "Whenever anyone says something like 'It's obvious that. . . .' or 'It should be clear that. beware. That is where they are hiding the fact that they aren't sure of what they are saying." Look into your obvious reasons and listen to your reluctance. Yes there are those who swing. And among that group there are marriages that have lasted for years. But this has nothing to do with your reluctance. Something inside of each of you is reluctant, call it your soul if that word works for you, is trying to get your attention. Listen. There is much at stake here. © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments This endearment was submitted by our subscriber Heather. How wonderful to know others have discovered the magic that comes from just writing a little note. We were married just two months after I turned 18, and next February will be our 7th anniversary. Our first married Valentine's day, we'd just moved and the fees & deposits had left us broke, but I was still determined to have a romantic surprise waiting for him when he got home. I dug up some plastic mini-Easter eggs from the previous year, and in every one I put a little note about why I was in love with him; a memory of a moment we'd shared, a thank you for something special he did for me, a wish for our future, and all the things I found irresistible about him. I hid them all over the house, and never told him to look, but sure enough he found several that first night, and since I hide eggs pretty well, he found many more over the next few weeks. Six years later, I still do this for him. I tape notes all over the house, write love letters for him to read after a long day at work, and make signs for birthdays and anniversaries and tape them to the front of the house so he (and everyone else) can read "I love you sweetie!" when driving up the street. We always keep a dry-erase marker in the bathroom so we can write each other messages on the mirror. Sometimes I worry about how we'd manage to keep romance alive after several years of marriage, but when I see the growing stack of my notes and letters in his sock drawer, I know I have nothing to worry about. Happily married. Heather If you have an endearment you would like to share send it to us at jksjes@hotmail.com. The New Intimacy In the old intimacy, romantic relationships were choreographed by sex role expectations. Since both men and women had to conform themselves to fit into the roles they were taught to play, they often experienced a kind of emptiness instead of the passionate connection they hoped would be theirs. In the new intimacy, sex role stereotypes are obsolete. Romantic relationships are now choreographed and co-created by the needs and wants and sincere feelings of the two individuals involved. In the drama of yesteryear cliched emotions very often passed for real, heartfelt love. Now the true romance of intimate one-of-a-kind love is experienced in all of the large and small in-the-moment body-based feelings as well as in the spiritually meaningful commitment to learn and grow together. Growth fueled by love moves both people toward increased freedom to reveal themselves whole-heartedly -- which is a form of holiness. In the fourteen years we've been together, we've seen each other go through some very difficult emotional states, some lasting several days, some even weeks. In the old intimacy, most couples would have just tolerated one another during these kinds of experiences -- if they had felt free to show what they were really feeling at all. Instead, we feel enriched by the journey of accompanying one another into the darkness that is always the birth place of new awareness, new freedom to be who we really are. Rather than act out a stereotype, which will make you a stereotype, pay attention to what you feel that is real. Ask yourself why you believe you cannot show feelings that are true to you and express your true thoughts. What do you believe would happen? And what value is there in hiding behind a performance, which is what you do when you choose to act out a stereotype. You hide. You prevent who you are from being loved which will eventually cause you to feel unloved and, of course, you will blame your spouse. If love is what you want, then allow yourself to be loved for who you are. After all, who else can you be loved for. A performance? No way. Please have the courage to give your mate the opportunity to love more and more of you. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant with our daughter. I love him dearly. It's just that all I seem to think about is that I don't know what to do. How will I ever be able to trust him again. I feel as though I should cheat on him so he can feel the hurt I feel. I just don't know what to do. I really want our marriage to work our. What do I do? TX Dear TX, Though he cheated while you were pregnant, and that is reprehensible, have you talked with him about it? What was he doing? Does he have so little awareness of the consequences of his actions? What did he want? What was he trying to accomplish? If it was sex, then why did he have to go to someone else? Was he not satisfied with the lovemaking between you? If not, why not, and what can the two of you do about it? If he was satisfied, then what other motivation did he have? Power? Trying to get away with something? You say you want your marriage to work. Well, then what you must do is find out why he did what he did? That's for starters. Then you must determine if he wants the marriage the way you do. If you don't do this, then you will never be on secure ground. You must know where he stands. You must also explore your own feelings and desires. Depending upon what he says, do you still want the marriage? In any case, the marriage you had is over. What was is no longer. If you stay together, you must co-create a new marriage based upon new understandings and new commitments. In a sense, you must remarry. But do not, do not have an affair in spite. You will feel terrible afterwards and you will have gained nothing. An eye for an eye leaves both people half blind. And teaches your child that cheating and revenge are what to expect in their marriage. Can you ever trust him again? He will have to earn it. At the same time, you must deal with your hurt by letting him know how deeply you were wounded and what the effects of his thoughtlessness were. This need not break you two apart,. It can be a deep wake-up call to get serious about the connection you have. And make sure you discover together what the dis-connect was that led the way to his cheating. Finally, it would probably be best if you two saw a counselor, someone who can help each of you sort out your thoughts and feelings and help you both come to terms with what all happened and what needs to happen for you both to commit to a trustworthy love now. © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments We are in the process of having one of our rooms re-done. We're removing the carpets and exposing the old wide-beam wood plank floors. We will have them stripped and sanded and brought back to their natural color and grain. In an old house like ours, that means an extra helping of dust. Jim's brain works in a way that doesn't think of those kinds of details, you know, dust and the like. He's thinking about how to paint and wallpaper that room before the floor sander arrives. Well we had to move some of our clothing, mostly Jim's -- out of that room and some of it is stuffed into a corner of our bedroom which is right across the hall. Without saying anything, Judith covered those clothes with an old bed sheet to keep them protected from the dust that will get kicked up. As soon as Jim saw that, he knew exactly what she had done and why and was very grateful. In part for having his clothes protected, but more so for the absence of any criticism from Judith for not having thought of it himself. She knows him, accepts him (not all of the time), and has no need to make a big deal of his shortfalls (most of the time). Judith had no need to call attention to herself and that made her endearment even more endearing. The New Intimacy Every now and then an angel appears in our lives and blesses us with his or her presence and inspiration. We met just such an angel last weekend. We were in Philadelphia giving a keynote presentation and a workshop and we met Ed Thornton. He signs his email E.T. which is proof that he's an angel. He told us about his marriage to Linda. Here's their story. She knew she had cancer and so did he and that she was terminal. One afternoon she called him and said "we have to talk." Ed told us he cringed when he heard those ominous words. That evening, at dinner, Linda told him that the one thing she wanted to accomplish before she left this earth was to be married to Ed. He said, "Are you proposing?" She thought for a second and said, "I guess I am." He responded with, "Well, in that case, I accept." They were married for two and one half years and during the ceremony she had to wear a wig because of the effects of chemotherapy. They had a Quaker wedding. No minister. No Priest. Quakers believe that the Divine Spirit is present in all of us and, in that sense, we are all ministers. So Linda and Ed married each other by saying "We unite ourselves in marriage." Those who were present signed a marriage certificate as witnesses. They wrote their own vows and Ed gave us permission to share them with you. Here is some of what they said. Ed: Linda, I want to love you without possessing, appreciate you without qualifying, unite with you without intruding in your space, ask of you without demanding or expecting . . . I promise to be gentle with myself so I can be gentle with you. . . With my love and affection I want to truly enrich your life. I offer patience, persistence and perseverence. Linda: I intend to be gentle with you Ed, to be a loyal friend, lover and confidante. To not withhold things from you, but to share myself honestly, openly and from my heart. I commit to take care of myself to have the energy to be there for you . . . I promise to acknowledge my mistakes . . . be demonstrative in my love and affection and bring humor, passion and integrity to our marriage. They said: Together we pledge to be faithful and to make our marriage the top priority of all our activities . . We promise to look for the good in each other . . .to try to resolve conflicts quickly . . .our motto is forgive and forget . . . Within our marriage we promise to take responsibility for fully loving and nurturing ourselves and each other. And with that, they were man and wife. Two and one-half years later, Linda died in Ed's arms. Ed was glowing as he told us the story. So happy to have known, loved and lived with Linda for the time that they had. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I am 20, male and I have never had sex. My parents have very strong beliefs that sex should be kept for marriage. However, ever since I went to college I have questioned the wisdom of that many times, though I never crossed the line. I also feel that since it would be wrong for me to have sex with somebody why should I even start dating anybody. I know a lot of people want sex after a while and my standard would be disappointing to them. What can you say from your experience in counseling about this subject? I have heard so many explanations for both choices that it only makes things more confusing. Dear Confused, In our culture, sex is overly burdened with expectations and fantasies as well as rules and regulations. One side preaches celibacy. The other wants no judgment, no interference, as though engaging in sex has no consequences. And we're sure you've heard those arguments and some in between. You say you have questioned your parents' beliefs about sex and marriage, so something in you is stirring to at least explore alternatives, without, as you indicate, actually making love with anyone. But you must kook at what you wrote. You believe that having sex would be wrong. Do you? Really? Or are you simply struggling with peer pressure? Or perhaps what you think is peer pressure? Or perhaps only being an obedient son? What you need is a way to determine what is most important to you. You need to place your question in a context that will compel you to face what you hold most dear. Here are a few suggestions. What would you advise your own son if he was faced with your dilemma? Or, what if your choice, to wait or not, was to be used as the moral and ethical standard for all people your age. What would you choose with that responsibility as a determining guide? Or imagine you are at the end of your life looking back. What would you like to see? That you waited? Or that you decided not to wait? Your struggle is very fundamental because, no matter how you rationalize your final decision, to do or not to do, there are ultimately only two choices. You can't finesse this one with brilliant arguments or clever spin. This is an either/or choice which always puts us in a position to be initiated through the struggle to make our decision and then launches us into a particular way of being in the world. Sören Kierkegaard, a European existential philosopher wrote about the process of making life altering decisions. He said that we build a mountain of fact, stand in top of it and then leap to faith. He didn't mean religion. He meant that whatever our choice, we cannot predict the consequences. There will be some that will be negative. So we choose and live what comes. You must go into your heart and let it lead. And remember, your heart cannot provide everything. But if you lead with your heart you will have the strength to stand up under whatever comes to you. And, in the end, that is the prize of the struggle. © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments When Judith was a kid her family spent many a summer vacation on an old farm with relatives in Redding, CA. Besides an indoor bathroom, this farm still had a two-hole outhouse which everyone used in good weather -- not necessarily with someone else -- but because it had no door and overlooked a beautiful valley. (People yelled ahead to check out occupancy.) Ever since we moved to our 200 year old farmhouse sixteen months ago, Judith has wanted an outhouse by our pond. You can't any longer use them, but Judith has wanted one for the nostalgia and how fun they look. Friends of ours, Bob and Magdalena, provided the unusual blessing of giving us an old outhouse that has been on their property since forever and they didn't want it. That terrific surprise happened a couple of months ago -- but it still had to be moved -- and we had to prepare the space for it -- where -- as a future reading and meditation cubby -- with the door open you can look out on the pond and on to a wonderful stream that separates our land from the neighbors. A man down the road agreed to move it in his truck but we didn't exactly know when this would be. This morning Jim came into Judith's office and told her she needed to come outside with him. Why? He wouldn't say. When we were about to make the turn out of our garage (which used to be the barn) Jim instructed Judith to close her eyes and then guided her across the back yard.. Then Jim stopped her, turned her in a specific direction and said -- "Ok, open your eyes!" Well, Judith let out a huge shriek -- there sat her own, real outhouse right where she wanted it!!! Timmy and Kelly, our neighbors, and their two children, Branden and Morgan, had surprise delivered it last night when we were in town -- and Jim had just noticed it out a window before he called Judith outside! Sure he could have just told Judith to look out the window -- but why miss the romance of creating a delightful surprise!! How can you surprise the one you love this weekend? The New Intimacy Judith's delight with the new/old outhouse is unbounded. She's like a child who's received something she'd been waiting for for a long time. But that's what makes her such a pleasure to be with -- her capacity for genuine delight which stems form her alive and lively curiosity. Curiosity! It's one of the most powerful experiences we have as human beings. Think about it. When we are genuinely curious, we are open to possibilities. The world becomes a menu we can explore and choose from. And through our curiosity we get to extend beyond ourselves where the new awaits. One of the most lethal dangers for any relationship is when we take things for granted. We assume. That means that we believe we know beforehand what's going to happen, how our partner is going to respond, and so we don;'t have to pay attention. We don't have to be curious. Have you ever heard somebody say something like, "Well, you know how she is." or "That's just him. He's always that way." They assume they know all there is to know about the other person. So they stop looking. They stop listening. They stop hearing. In short, the connection disappears and they just plain stop. Then their relationship dies and they blame each other. In all fairness, it's so easy to take ourselves and one another for granted. We do get into habitual behaviors and we are to some degree predictable. If we weren't, relationships might be way too much work if not impossible. But love and intimacy are not free. There is a cost. Your attention and care. You wouldn't buy potted plants and never water them. You wouldn't buy a car and never tune it. Life requires our participation. We have to care if we want things to thrive. That's where curiosity comes in. We make the choice to pay attention. We let those we love know that we want to know them. We let them know we want them to know us. We open ourselves and we ask them to open to us. But if they aren't paying attention, why bother? If we aren't willing to extend an interest, why should they bother? What do you want to know about your lover, partner, spouse? Not just as an exercise, but really want to know. And what would you like your lover, partner, spouse to know about you that he or she doesn't yet? Even thinking about these questions stimulates curiosity, about your self and your partner. And, when you bring your interest to the one you love, what a compliment that is. what a recognition of the other person as someone you value and want to be more intimate with. Judith's capacity for opening to the new, for being genuinely curious, helps keep what we have alive and unpredictable. When that couples with Jim's particular ways of being curious, well, we can't ever take each other for granted. Finally, curiosity is one of the finest aphrodisiacs you can find and it's available to you at any time! Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I have recently begun a relationship with a man who lives 600 miles away from me. We met on a Christian dating site on the Internet. I don't ordinarily write people who live so far away, as a long-distance romance was the last thing I was looking for, but his note to me was so wonderful that I couldn't resist looking up his profile and responding in kind to his thoughtful letter. I flew to his city to meet him in person, after only 2 short weeks of continual emails and endless phone calls, and we fell for each other in a big way. Everything about each of us just seemed to "fit" with the other perfectly. Our personalities, our romantic natures, our thoughtfulness for each other, our senses of humor, even our heights (he's 6'4", I'm 5'11"). But 2 days later I found myself on a plane on my way home...alone. He and I had a wonderful talk the following day about where we each stood in our relationship and we agreed that we could see other people while we were apart, but that we would each keep the other one's best interests at heart when doing so. That way, the pain of being alone wouldn't be as apparent. My question to you is, how can a couple keep a relationship alive across so many miles? If you're only physically seeing each other once a month or so, how do you truly get to know each other well enough to determine whether or not to continue on to the next level? I'm much better in person than I am on the phone (as I am a very affectionate and physical person), so it's hard for me to be as happy having a relationship with a telephone and a keyboard as I would be having my honey here to hold as we talked. Any advice from you would be very much appreciated. Thank you so much! Dear love-at-a-distance, First of all, congratulations that this relationship is still alive and worthwhile. When we began reading your letter we fully expected you to say it fell apart and you don't know why. But that's not the case. The danger with long-distance relationships that work is the intensity that builds up between meetings. So much has to happen in a short time that it's often too much of a demand on what you have. So, first, be aware of and talk about not needing to pack one month into two days. That won't work because it cannot happen. If you don't keep that in mind, then your brief visits can become growingly disappointing and place an unnecessary burden on the difficulty you have to begin with. Also, do not withhold your "negative" feelings, perhaps anger at being apart; loneliness and longing; frustration with how things are. You are in a trying situation and you cannot pretty it up by pretending never to feel bad about it. The more you release to one another the more openness there will be and the more freedom and ease you can create for the time you are together. Of course, the loving feelings you have must be expressed as well, but they won't get in the way. Yes, being close and physical in important. However, you've accepted this relationship with its physical limitations. Ask yourself why? What's the benefit now to you and him? What do God, the Universe, or your own unconscious minds have in store for you that is best expressed by a relationship over a distance? In other words, don't step away from the reality you're faced with, embrace it, delve into it, look for the promise and potential it contains. In other words, trust that what is happening is right. All you need do is discover the rightness. As you do, the romance between you should grow from soil that is rich and fruitful. Then the distance will become a gift and your love will become more and more a treasure. © 2001 The New Intimacy August 27-September 2 First of all, thanks for all the work you do to keep the new intimacy newsletter going. I know it takes a great deal of time and energy, even if it is extremely rewarding as well. My husband and I are both in our early 40's, we've been married for a whole 6 months...LOL!!! But seriously, we both feel so very blessed that we have found one another at this late date in our lives. After the commercialism and expense of the Christmas season and the expense of our wedding...and my husband's birthday being on the same day as our wedding ...and several birthdays of family and friends in January we decided that we would not spend more than $10.00 on one another for Valentines....but we would use our creativity to come up with something special for one another. For my husband, I cut up strips of paper (like those in fortune cookies). On each strip I wrote what I love, admire, respect, and treasure in him, or small love quotes, or a free coupon for a massage, car cleaning, 20 minutes of snuggling, etc. I rolled them into tiny scrolls and put them in a heart shaped tin container. I also made a Valentines card explaining that inside the container were daily vitamins for the heart. My husband loves it. Every morning he opens his heart-vitamin for the day and shares it with me. Then he puts it in his shirt pocket and carries it with him throughout the day. At the end of the day he tapes it into a book where he's collecting them. It's been such a hit that although initially I'd only made about 60 days worth I've continued to make them each month. After 4 months I'm discovering that it is not just something I give him, but also something I find great joy in myself. For me, my husband bought a journal. Each day he writes a love quote at the top of one of the pages. Underneath he writes his thoughts and feelings about the quote, how it applies, or doesn't apply, to us. At the very end of the page he writes a short one or two sentences about what we did on that day that he enjoyed. I LOVE THIS!!!! Some of the quotes are funny, deep, thought provoking, serious, and romantic. I find such a thrill reading them and find that I look forward to it all day. Sometimes I go back to past days and read what was written there and remember what we were doing on that day. IT IS TRULY A HEART BOOST. And, no matter how busy our lives get, my husband takes the time to write that day, demonstrating a great deal of commitment. Thank you for allowing me to share our story, and again for all the great work you guys do to keep The New Intimacy going. It has integrity and a great message.....(kind of rare these days). Blessings, Lisa, a subscriber The New Intimacy We've had a number of requests to repeat a list of what intimacy is and is not that we published before. Since we're in the middle of a crunch to get several projects completed, we're taking this opportunity to repeat the column. Here it is. Many people imagine intimacy to mean sex. In fact, that is what most people mean when they use the word. Some people understand intimacy to be primarily about talking and sharing. Others are afraid of the whole idea, concerned they will lose themselves if they open up and allow themselves to be touched. And there are those who have no response. For us the experience of intimacy is very basic and very deep within human consciousness. So here are some things intimacy is and is not for you to ponder.
Finally, to be intimate is to allow yourself to be seen and willing to see what the other person is showing you. That takes strength of commitment, security in yourself, an ability to respond sensitively and creatively, and a willingness to enter into the unknown that exists between you. This is a list to inspire your thinking. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We have moved twice, built a practice, a home, she had 3 job changes, and we had two children all in this time. We have changed some from when we first started dating. She feels empty and worries about having a hallow marriage. She is contemplating divorce. These feelings have developed because we are different and I do not communicate to the level she needs. I want to learn how and develop a great relationship built on love, friendship, and intimacy. I would like to get that help. I want my wife, children, and a marriage. Thank you for your direction. Dear Wanting, We first want to acknowledge how demanding your life has been for the both of you. Two moves, a practice, home, jobs and kids all in five years is a stress that many relationships could not withstand. So, that the two of you are still together is to be applauded.. Now, with regard to your wife's concern about a "hollow marriage," no doubt the demands have taken your focus off of each other, and no doubt that was a disappointment to her. No doubt the reality of what she chose to participate in clashed pretty severely with her fantasy of what a marriage was supposed to be. One of the greatest dangers for people entering into marriage, even for those who've been divorced and are re-marrying, is the clash between what they imagine and expect a marriage is "supposed to be" and the reality of marriage as it turns out to be. Marriages are as unique as people and every marriage is a unique co-creation of both people. Neither party is innocent in the outcome. So the "hollowness" of the marriage has been made, in half, by your wife. You say you do not communicate to the level she needs. Why not? If you hold that position, then it's just an excuse for not changing. If you want the marriage, you will have to change the way you communicate so that she feels seen and heard. The question is, what does "to the level she needs" mean? If you are closed and not forthcoming, you'll need to learn to open up and make yourself emotionally available. That's learnable. And, by the way, when you do, she will have to open up reciprocally or it will not work. However, if what's going on is that the level she needs is being dictated by a fantasy of what "should" be, then no level of communication will work unless you become her. Fantasies are perfect because we create them that way. They are also solitary creations in which no one interferes with what we want. Real life is an amalgam of both people involved, and now that includes the kids, the house, and everything else that impacts your life togther. So are her demands reasonable? Or is she hiding from real intimacy with you by blaming you for her emptiness, rather than looking at her inability to receive what you give her? Bottom line, she is co-responsible for the "hollow marriage." If she doesn't recognize that, she will leave you, marry again and do the same thing with someone else and with different details. You two should see someone who can help you unravel what's happened. © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments After reading Judith and Jim's loving endearments to one another about the watermelon, I wanted to share an endearment about something my boyfriend recently did for me Dan is 40 and divorced, I am 37 and twice divorced). Wed live in Colorado. Dan: Becky spoke of the new Krispy Kreme donut shop that recently opened up in our town. We haven't had a moment to get over there and the lines have been to crazy to wait no matter the hour of the day. Becky: Dan is from Minnesota, to try a warm Krispy Kreme. Dan: I went on business to Omaha, Nebraska and there I drove Krispy Kreme donut shop. I simply had to stop and get some donuts for myself to try these crazy donuts that everyone in Denver was going nuts about. As was the rumor, they were delicious. I called Becky from Omaha and told her I had finally tasted a Krispy Kreme and how good these donuts tasted. Becky was disappointed, she wasn't with me for my 'first' Krispy Kreme experience at age 40. On my way back to Denver I decided to stop and pick up some Krispy Kreams to take back to Becky. Becky: Dan called me from his home and told me he brought me back Krispy Kreams! I couldn't believe it! Dan transported two donuts in his briefcase from Omaha and protected those donuts with his life to bring them all the way back to Denver and to me. I went over to his place that night and there they were, two Krispy Kream donuts, smashed, but nevertheless, they were the best two donuts I had ever put in my mouth. He had remembered such a small detail and wanted to share the experience with me. I swear, if the plane had landed on a deserted island with no food in sight, he would not have eaten those donuts... I have to tell you, Dan buys me flowers and treats me like a princess but nothing could ever have meant more to me than the thought of his bringing me those Krispy Kreme donuts from Omaha. Hands down, that is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. The New Intimacy Many of you tell us how you enjoy hearing about our life here in the country. So we'll tell you about Jim's new weed-wacker. Now, how does that relate to The New Intimacy? Well, it might not, if Judith hadn't needed to talk to herself about some of her knee-jerk responses. But some background first. When we moved here last year, to a 200 year-old farm house on 2 acres with a pond, the property hadn't been kept up at all. The house was in pretty good shape but the growth on the land, except for a small yard, was wild and way out of control. So last year we hired people to trim trees and take out dead ones and brush-hog the back of the property -- cutting down all the weeds and heavier overgrowth. This year Jim bought a weed-wacker and he is in country heaven as he goes out most every day to do battle with the weeds that want to re-take the place. Meanwhile, Judith noticed thoughts like, "He's just like a boy with a toy," "He ought to be doing more of the serious work we need to get done." Whoa!!!!! Unconscious old thoughts about men's work, learned at mom's knee, were popping up to interfere with all the fun Jim was having if Judith didn't catch herself and rethink the situation. So first she shared her inner sabateur with Jim so that we both could keep an eye on her. Then she determined to notice not only Jim's wonderful fun, but to focus on the increased beauty on the property when the weeds are kept under control. That was all the ammunition she needed to create new intimacy with Jim, the "Super-Weed-Wacker," and to get a kick out of his excitement, rather than try to kill it. And to support him further she's going to buy him some goggles this weekend to protect his eyes from the stones that pop up when the wacker sends them flying. Without loving awareness, the weed-wacker could have been the catalyst for some stupid fights. But instead, it's a fun new member of the family and a source of joy for both of us. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, Thank you for your interesting columns. I'm learning from them. Here's.my question:.How do I keep the romance in this relationship really alive and burning. My boyfriend lives back home in Africa and I study in England, and will be for a couple of years. We do love each other very much, and do hope for marriage soon when the Lord gives a GO! It's challenging sustaining our love over the miles, but we are trying thru emails, and occasional phone calls, not to mention the costs involved. I would like my relationship to be alive and full of vigor. I kindly request suggestions. Also I happen to be pursuing my medical career, hoping to complete in 2 years, and hopefully be married. My boyfriend is not in the medical profession, but we've been alerted how busy it can all be. I'm kind of finding it hard picturing myself with a family, married and my career, I don't want to scare him off with this busy career. I do happen to be the family type and would like to spend time with my family when married. Any suggestions. Thank you. Parted by Miles Dear Parted by Miles, First of all, you can't scare him off with a busy schedule if what you have is real love. Nor can the miles between you dampen the spirit in your hearts if you are both determined to be together when you finish school. And you are already staying in touch through email and phone calls. So we think there must be more to your request for help than you have shared with us. Perhaps it is your discomfort about being the one who is out of your country and not your man. Or perhaps it's your fear that you are being more ambitious than your boyfriend. We can only guess. The fact is that many, many women have demanding careers and families. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Many would tell you Yes! In fact, in one-third of married couples in the U.S. the woman earns more than the man. And certainly many of these couples are having children. So there's no reason you can't do it as well. Unless there's more to your concerns than you've told us. Please let us know. © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments Even the simplest moment is an opportunity for real romance, the kind of romance that's available everyday. JUDITH: This afternoon I went to the dentist and then to the market. I saw seedless watermelons on sale and bought two. I know Jim loves seedless watermelon and I was very pleased to be bringing them home for him and us. JIM: When Judith arrived she said "I have a treat. They're in the car." I went to the cars and saw that they were huge. As I brought them in Judith told me they were on sale. Okay, so where's the romance? JUDITH: I was delighted to see Jim's delight with the seedless treasures. He smiled and was truly appreciative. JIM: And I know Judith loves a bargain. I imagined her delight in finding such large watermelons at so good a price. We stood together in the kitchen sweetly appreciating each other for what pleased and pleasured us. That's real romance. Genuinely felt love and affection in the midst of a very daily event. You don't have to look for fireworks to feel romance. It's all around you everyday, in the small delights that convey your ongoing love for your partner and for your relationship. The New Intimacy We want to continue with the idea of intimacy contained in a simple everyday event. For example, the simple handshake. That common gesture, recognized throughout the world, happens countless times a day. It is so common that we take it for granted. But a moment's thought reveals that, when a handshake is sincere, it is both complex and complete while being exquisitely simple. First, it is an act of giving. You extend your hand to another as a means of greeting. You reach out as an expression of strength or tenderness, as a way of making yourself available. At the same time, you accept the other person's hand as a way of welcoming, of recognizing, of affirming. In one and the same moment, you give yourself and accept the other, and you do it without thinking. Both of you, giving and receiving, open and available, connected and intimate. Why do we write about this? To heighten your awareness, and ours, to the many times and many ways we make contact with one another without truly appreciating what is going on. We miss the subtle which is before our very eyes. And then we are trapped into looking for that which is emotionally intense as the only feeling-filled experience that catches our attention. Have you been in a movie theater recently and felt bombarded by the sound level? That's an example of the need to ratchet up the intensity as a way of feeling alive. How many people break off their relationships because "the thrill is gone?" They yearn for the beginning-time when it was impossible to miss the newness. You've heard the complaint that the older we get the less wonder there is in life. That's followed by the wish to be like a child, with the hope of being dazzled again with awe. We confuse that childlike wonder with the need to have emotionally large experiences. In other words, if we don't get knocked out of our socks, like a child seeing something for the very first time, whatever we're experiencing is too familiar to be interesting. Then we're forced to emotionally rev up our experiences to make them meaningful. Yet the awesomeness is everywhere around us, when we learn to look to the subtle, the simple and the daily. To keep romance alive, begin looking to the ordinary, to that which is around you every day. Then ask yourself "What's going on here that I haven't paid attention to?" At first you probably won't see much difference. But that's just a matter of habit. As you continue to open to what is not readily apparent you will begin to see more and more and more. Then the wonder returns. Not as childlike wonder, but as an adult mature wonder. When you make a sincere commitment to open your eyes, mind and heart, then even a simple handshake will bring you joy and the awareness that your life is filled with pleasure and meaning, even in the hard times. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, My life basically consists of taking care of my children (19 months and 5 months old ), my grandfather ( almost 80 years old ), my husband and of course myself. I wake up every morning, get the kids ready to go to the sitters and get myself ready and out the door by 7:20 a.m. On the days my husband opens at his work I have to help him get ready too. I work from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Mon-Fri. After work I go pick up the kids from the sitters and if my husband opens I go pick him up then go home. When I get home I immediately make dinner, get the kids cleaned up and ready for bed. I then wash the dishes and put them away and get myself ready for bed. I have to clean on the weekends. My grandfather is almost blind and can't see the messes he makes, so I have to clean up after him. My husband hardly helps me voluntarily. I have to ask him for his help almost all the time. We get along pretty well, but I wish he would put himself in my shoes. We are going through a bankruptcy because we put ourselves on too much debt before we got married. My questions are... How do I find time to take care of myself so I can be a better wife and mother? What do I need to change about myself to get my husband to understand where I'm coming from? How can I show my husband that I love and respect him for who he is? My husband and I are both 23 yrs. old and I am going to start school in the fall, but he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. How can I encourage him to be the head of the household and help him figure out what he wants to do for the rest of his life? I feel really lost and helpless. Sincerely, Loving Wife and Mother Dear Wife and Mother, The only way to find the answers to your questions -- is to talk with your husband, ask questions to see how he understands the workload in the house, and insist on talking and investigating until the two of you understand one another and know your goals in life. This may take weeks, months, even years. But you must be persistent or you will both lapse back into the lack of focus and unrealistic expectations of life that got you into debt before you were even married. Be firm and respectful of your husband, but do not back down about your need for him to handle ½ of the house and kids and your grandfather. Period. Somehow you learned to take care of everyone but yourself. Is that what your parents required of you? Is that what you learned at church? Wherever it came from, it is a poor model of womanhood for your kids and it enables your husband to remain a boy. Your relationship needs to be on equal footing for there to be hope of a good future between the two of you -- otherwise you will strangle your love and life with resentment and anger. Don't do it. You are young, so you may need to grow considerable backbone in order to deal more effectively with the challenges you face. We support you in doing so!!! © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments You can offer an endearment to strangers. Recently we were driving home when, about one hundred feet ahead of us a deer sprang from the woods. As it was coming down from its leap it landed on the hood of a brand new car, was thrown about fifteen feet into the air and onto the medium, and then leapt up and darted away. The deer was no doubt shocked, but it was obviously unhurt. The driver pulled her car to the side and, as we passed, we decided to stop. Judith got out and walked to the other car to see an older woman driving and a three year old child in a safety seat in back. The child was wide-eyed and the driver was alright. "Thank you for stopping," she said as she pulled Judith close to protect her from the traffic. "We were concerned for you," Judith said. "Thank you so very much for caring," the woman smiled. "We're a bit shocked but alright." As Judith was about to return to our car, the woman tugged at her arm and said again, "Thank you so very much for caring." We will never see her again. But we will remain a small part of one another's lives forever. That's the power of an endearment. They are always remembered, always cherished, and always create a real sense of connection. The New Intimacy At the heart of the new intimacy is the capacity to consciously open yourself and take in more and more of who your partner truly is. That's much easier when what you want to take in is familiar, something you already know and like. But when it comes to differences, ranging from those that are mildly dissimilar, to those that are foreign, or those you've been forbidden to even consider, then love may no longer be so easy or even so attractive. Simply put, loving someone who is like you is love, but it's elementary and will remain relatively superficial. Loving someone who is different is a love that requires commitment and consciousness and care. It can take you into profound realms of personal growth and remain a life long adventure. The more you are willing to learn, to extend yourself beyond what you've known, beyond what you are accustomed to, you will be opening yourself to the vast panorama of life and love. That kind of openness was very rare as recently as one hundred years ago. People hardly moved away from home. They married someone from the same community, whose lifestyle and values were like their own. Their roles were clear and set by tradition. Today, many of us move away from where we were born and raised. We meet people who are very different from those we knew growing up. What we want and expect from intimacy and relationship is far less determined by rigid social guidelines and more the result of our personal desires. That means we now have to rely on our own knowledge, experience and consciousness to discover what we want and how we will conduct our lives. It is vitally important today to bring a strong sense of identity to our relationships, because increasingly we are free to make personal choices and are responsible for managing the consequences. A strong, healthy identity will allow you to stop experiencing differences as tiresome, even threatening so you can come to respect and cherish them as the exciting blessings they are. Creating and sustaining a fulfilling love relationship is one of the most important things we do in life. Yet almost no one receives any preparation. Would you send your child to a school with unprepared teachers? Would you take your car to an untrained mechanic? Would you trust your surgery to someone whose only credential is an intense longing to be a doctor? Yet, with twenty-five dollars for the license and a willing minister or judge, anybody can leap into a trial by fire -- get married and have kids, all on the dream of "happily ever after." We live in very challenging times, so we need to have compassion for ourselves. But there is much we can learn to make loving and being loved more rewarding and deeply fulfilling. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I have had a relationship with someone for 5 years. We have been living together for 1 year. He goes to Cancun every year with his male friends and refuses to take me. He feels that he needs this time to chill with his male friends and then he also wants a separate vacation with me. I can't get him to agree to stop going to Cancun alone. This summer he is planning to go again and we had a huge fight and he does not care -- he is still going. According to him he needs this every year. I have never gone on a vacation without him but I feel that it is time. I am planning an all inclusive trip for a week to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic alone. Now I know that this is not good for the relationship but I do not find a way to get him to understand that we are a family and that he can no longer go on vacation with male friends. According to him he is not sleeping with anyone but what do I know. I feel that this is the only way to get him to understand that what he is doing is wrong. Help, how would you resolve this? I have not told him that I want to go alone. A part of me just wants to surprise him and tell him a day before I leave because, I know that he will make me feel guilty about going alone or it might make things worse. Please Help! Dear Help, You are stuck in a classic power struggle. Although Cancun and Punta Cana seem to be the issue, what is really at stake here is each of your unwillingness to change your minds. He refuses to consider your needs and even withstands a huge fight to maintain his position. You insist that going away with his male friends is wrong and that he can no longer do that. And neither of you has the care to sit down and sincerely listen to the other. In short, you are at war. You say you don't know whether or not he is sleeping with anyone, even after he's told you he's not. After fiver years, have there been any other clues that might lead you to not believe him? Or is it just about this vacation fight? If in fact he is not sleeping with anyone, what exactly is the problem with going away with his guy friends? Why does he have to chill every year without you? Do you know? Really know? Are you enraged because he will not take you? If he is truly going away with the guys, do you really want to be the only female there? Imagine you going away with the girls and his insisting that he be included? Would you want that? About your going to Punta Cana. If you spring it on him as a power play, yes that will probably make things worse. Why? Because it is just another punch in this fight you are both carrying on. Look, there is more here than separate vacations and, given what you've written, neither one of you are addressing the underlying issues. Both of you are defending something you consider precious. What is so important here to you? What is so critical for him? And look to your feelings about it rather than who goes where with whom. You seem to feel unwanted and abandoned by him with regard to this issue. He appears to feel smothered by you so he needs to get away. Your responses are typical for your genders. We strongly suggest you get some counseling around this so that when things flare up there is a reasonable third party who can help you through the hurts. © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments Growing up as children we are often told that our anger is inappropriate, inaccurate, and unwanted. So we are left to repress that which is natural to us and even worse to decide there is something wrong with us for even having the feelings. Then as adults our anger comes out sideways, passive/aggressively, or as abuse both to ourselves and others, along with a debilitating guilt accompanied by a sense that there si something bad at the level of our soul. One of the deepest and most healing loving endearments two people can give to one another is to respect their anger because it is conveying something that needs to be said and heard. JIM: We have learned to respect and treat one another's anger seriously, because we trust that whenever anger arises or erupts something needs attention. JUDITH: That's the value of anger. It announces, loud and clear, that some hurt has occurred. This is critical t understanding the real meaning of anger. It is almost never about the content. For example, it is almost never about not having taken the garbage out, or not checking with one another about something important. JIM: It is most often about feeling ignored, not respected, being taken for granted, not being listened to, feeling unwanted, feeling less-than, feeling overlooked, unappreciated, not included, or some other experience of being hurt. That's the foundation of the anger and that's what must be dealt with. JUDITH: So, taking each other's anger seriously, means you take each other seriously, and, after all, isn't that what you want ---- really. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim: I am turning 34 next week and I am single, and somewhat sad at the idea that I still don't have a serious relationship that may lead to marriage. I have always wanted to get married, it's such a cultural expectation for me, but also a personal wish. Based on my choice of partners, I acknowledge that I select men who are scared of commitment and really reluctant to move toward marriage. Usually I am the one who brings up the idea of marriage -- making them feel "pressured" by my desire for marriage. I departed from my boyfriend, right after Christmas, because he also said that he did not want to marry at this time and why string me along if he doesn't know that marriage will happen in the future. We had been together for seven months and he had me meet his family for the holidays. I don't ask for marriage now, but I do see it for myself in the future. The minute I say this to men, they seem to leave. Am I sabotaging my relationships by voicing my interest to get married? I have been unable to attract a long-term partner into my life. I know that marriage is scary but I am willing and able to enter into a committed relationship, regardless of fear and any insecurities I might have -- but I don't meet men who want to go in that direction with me. What must I do? If I am setting myself up for disappointment, then I need to figure out how to stop that. I really want to be committedto someone who wants to settle down. I really don't want to enter another relationship that leads to "just being friends" --What must I do, think or adjust in order to invite a partner into my life? Dear Still Single: You ask "Am I sabotaging my relationships by voicing my interest to get married?" This is a wrong question. Why? Because it keeps you focused on the men and their behaviors. You place all of the power and responsibility for what happens with them and then say -- "The minute I say this to men, (i.e. your desire for marriage) they seem to leave." What you are overlooking is your admission that you select men who are afraid of commitment. Your assessment maybe accurate. They may be afraid, as you say. But you keep choosing them! So, who's afraid of commitment? Are you really, really, willing to enter a committed relationship? The evidence would not seem to support what you believe about yourself. We live our priorities. That is a fact of life. Sometimes those priorities are unconscious. When they are, they drive us to repeat patterns. When those patterns go against what we say we want, we can be assured that an unconscious process is in charge.You say you want to be committed but do not choose appropriate partners. What are you in allegiance to that results in the choices you are making? There is a value in choosing men who won't work out. What is it? This is the question you must answer. © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments Growing up as children we are often told that our anger is inappropriate, inaccurate, and unwanted. So we are left to repress that which is natural to us and even worse to decide there is something wrong with us for even having the feelings. Then as adults our anger comes out sideways, passive/aggressively, or as abuse both to ourselves and others, along with a debilitating guilt accompanied by a sense that there si something bad at the level of our soul. One of the deepest and most healing loving endearments two people can give to one another is to respect their anger because it is conveying something that needs to be said and heard. JIM: We have learned to respect and treat one another's anger seriously, because we trust that whenever anger arises or erupts something needs attention. JUDITH: That's the value of anger. It announces, loud and clear, that some hurt has occurred. This is critical t understanding the real meaning of anger. It is almost never about the content. For example, it is almost never about not having taken the garbage out, or not checking with one another about something important. JIM: It is most often about feeling ignored, not respected, being taken for granted, not being listened to, feeling unwanted, feeling less-than, feeling overlooked, unappreciated, not included, or some other experience of being hurt. That's the foundation of the anger and that's what must be dealt with. JUDITH: So, taking each other's anger seriously, means you take each other seriously, and, after all, isn't that what you want ---- really. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim: I am turning 34 next week and I am single, and somewhat sad at the idea that I still don't have a serious relationship that may lead to marriage. I have always wanted to get married, it's such a cultural expectation for me, but also a personal wish. Based on my choice of partners, I acknowledge that I select men who are scared of commitment and really reluctant to move toward marriage. Usually I am the one who brings up the idea of marriage -- making them feel "pressured" by my desire for marriage. I departed from my boyfriend, right after Christmas, because he also said that he did not want to marry at this time and why string me along if he doesn't know that marriage will happen in the future. We had been together for seven months and he had me meet his family for the holidays. I don't ask for marriage now, but I do see it for myself in the future. The minute I say this to men, they seem to leave. Am I sabotaging my relationships by voicing my interest to get married? I have been unable to attract a long-term partner into my life. I know that marriage is scary but I am willing and able to enter into a committed relationship, regardless of fear and any insecurities I might have -- but I don't meet men who want to go in that direction with me. What must I do? If I am setting myself up for disappointment, then I need to figure out how to stop that. I really want to be committedto someone who wants to settle down. I really don't want to enter another relationship that leads to "just being friends" --What must I do, think or adjust in order to invite a partner into my life? Dear Still Single: You ask "Am I sabotaging my relationships by voicing my interest to get married?" This is a wrong question. Why? Because it keeps you focused on the men and their behaviors. You place all of the power and responsibility for what happens with them and then say -- "The minute I say this to men, (i.e. your desire for marriage) they seem to leave." What you are overlooking is your admission that you select men who are afraid of commitment. Your assessment maybe accurate. They may be afraid, as you say. But you keep choosing them!
Loving Endearments Taking delight in your partner, your lover your mate, is definitely a loving endearment. JIM: Yesterday afternoon we were in a video production studio editing what's called a media reel. It's made up of a series of clips from television shows we've been on like The View, 48 Hours, Mars & Venus, and others. JUDITH: We are preparing it for this fall when our next book -- Be Loved For Who You Really Are -- will be published. We will use it in our media promotions. Editing, for those of you who've never done it, is very exacting, slow and can be tedious. JIM: As we were working, Judith, sitting next to me, began to do leg exercises. She would raise her feet making her calves parallel with the floor and set them down. JUDITH: Although I loved what we were doing, there were moments when we had to wait for the editor to do something technically, so I thought I'd use the time productively. JIM: At first I thought she was just stretching, but after two or three leg raises, I knew she was exercising. I was delighted. There she was, being inventive as well as turning down-time into something valuable for her. JUDITH: Jim smiled and I knew he was appreciating my mini-workout. JIM: I was. And I was admiring the way she goes about her life. A smile, a gesture, a small word can communicate your delight to your partner and both of you can enjoy the pleasure of being lovingly endearing with one another. It doesn't take much. The New Intimacy The notion of "dependence" gets a very bad rap inour culture. The truth is, we are all dependent upon one another. That's the only way we can survive. And yes, there are those who have so little sense of self that they need to feel clingingly close with others to feel in the least way secure. This is not dependence but desperation. Real dependence is at the core a mature character, someone who is strong, self-confident and resilient and yet humble enough to know he or she does not, in fact cannot, go it alone. This is especially important in intimate relationships. Over time two people come to need one another -- not just for the day-to-day tasks and chores, but for something far deeper. Their very being together becomes a subtle tapestry woven from their individual identities into the "we" they become. That "we" cannot thrive without each of them investing heartfully into what they each have chosen to create. As your relationship becomes significant to you, you need your partner. You depend upon your partner. And in so doing, who you are becomes a composite of each of you individually as well as the couple, the "we" you also are. In the climactic moment of the film, "Jerry McGuire," Tom Cruise says to Rene Zellwieger, "You complete me." There is a real truth to that line. We do complete one another, even though we may not be able to articulate just how, and that's where dependence comes in. To admit dependence as part of who you are is to add to the completion of yourself, because dependence is part of the very fabric of this life. We cannot survive without it, let alone flourish. So -- how are you dependent upon the one you love? How is he or she dependent upon you? How can you celebrate the ways you need each other? Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, This is my first time asking advice on my relationship. I guess after 12 years I didn't feel I needed help. What I'm having a problem with is that my husband drove trucks over the road for a while. Now I kind of expected him to fool around but what kind of puzzled me is that he gave me permission to fool around on him. The other thing is that he is kind of getting kinkier as he gets older. Is this normal? I mean for him to go from normal standard love making to just out and out raunchy sex? Don't get me wrong! It's interesting to say the least but I'm still puzzled as to why. He's 43 going on 18. Does that make any sense? Is he going through a mid-life crisis or something? I'm just afraid that he is being too open-minded and I'm going to be the one getting hurt in some way. Please advise. Dear Puzzled, You ask if this is a mid-life crisis. In a way it is. The simplest way to understand a mid-life crisis is to realize at 43 your husband is old enough to see that many of his youthful dreams are not going to materialize. He's old enough to know who he is and to suffer some regrets for things that might have been. It is not abnormal for some men (and women too) to stretch themselves way beyond what they're accustomed to in order to stave off the feelings of constraint that can accompany mid-life recognitions. You've surely heard of the 45 year old guy who starts chasing 20 year old skirts, or the 45 year old woman who suddenly finds younger men to her liking. That rarely has anything to do with sex and more to do with resisting the aging process. So, regarding your husband, have you talked with him about his new sexual appetite? Have you told him your fears about being hurt? Have you asked him what he‘s after with his new sexual interests? It also seems like you are enjoying some of what's going on and if you weren't concerned with getting hurt, you might enjoy it even further. Have you talked with him about that? Please let him know how you are feeling. Tell him you're afraid. Invite him into your concerns. He may open your mind while you are opening his about how you feel. Is there risk involved? Sure. But there's even more risk if you two aren't emotionally and spiritually intimate while your sex life is changing. Talk with him. Let him know. And find out what's in his heart. © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments JIM: Last week my mother visited us for three days. She is 85 and has lived her entire life in the house she now occupies in Detroit. JUDITH: Jim has lived in four different states and in both urban and rural settings. There is a very large difference in the way he and his mother experience the world. Sincere respect of differences is the foundation of any loving endearment. JIM: For Sunday brunch, we took my other to the Tavern at Beekman Arms in Rhinebeck, NY the oldest inn in the United States. We knew she would be stretching well beyond what she's accustomed to. JUDITH: Although she had a good time, she clearly felt awkward and unsure of what to do. So we eased her concerns by asking her what she was feeling, and what she thought of the food. JIM: As we were driving away, she thanked us for being so sensitive to her and making it so comfortable for her. And she wanted us to know what a good time she had. JUDITH: And what did we do? We respected that it was an environment far outside of what she was used to. We respected her anxiety, her uncertainty and helped her relax. And we asked her beforehand whether or not she'd like to go there. If she'd said no, we would have chosen a more familiar setting. The New Intimacy We received the following from a subscriber: "The question I debate w/ people is can a person who has been intimate w/ someone evolve into a pure friendship if both people agree they are not suited for each other as mates but as friends?" In our work we've heard this question before. First, for clarification, the word "intimate" above means sexual. It so often happens that when two people stop being sexual, whatever relationship they had dissolves -- often with recrimination and resentment. But why? What is it about having been sexual that carries such a burden? Why is it that when two people share their deepest feelings, concerns, hopes and ambitions with each other and then break up -- that kind of intimacy doesn't carry the same foreboding? We have given sexuality far too much importance in the scheme of things. Granted, during orgasm one can be "out of control" and thereby reveal a vulnerability that is precious and powerful. But have you never been frightened, felt depressed, concerned about being incompetent, or any other vulnerable experience and shared it with a friend or lover? Have you never wept or been paralyzed with indecision and, in that sense, been as out of control as during an orgasm? We need to widen our understanding of intimacy to include the full range of self-revealing that is part of openly being with someone. Let's re-phrase the question. "Can a person who has been emotionally, intellectually, sexually and spiritually intimate w/ someone evolve into a pure friendship if both people agree they are not suited for each other as mates but want to be friends?" Certainly they can. What would stop them? We see two common reasons for terminating contact. In the first, one person is not truly finished with their romantic hopes and dreams and continues to muddy the waters with anxiety, possessiveness and/or subtle, even unconscious seductive maneuvers and the other person grows tired of the game playing. The other major problem arises when either one or both find another relationship that is as deeply intimate or even deeper. Their continuing friendship might then cause difficulties. If the two people continue to see each other as friends while being romantically involved elsewhere, then they must reveal their friendship and its former romantic roots to their new lovers -- otherwise they are carrying on an emotional affair which cheats the current lovers as significantly as a sexual affair. If their continuing friendship does not have a negative impact on their new relationships, then so much the better. However, it is the new lover, the mate who needs to be allowed in the most intimately and that kind of emotional and sexual intensity is not to be shared. Herein lies the problem. You cannot be equally close to two people. It is at this point that the friendship must recede. But, to believe that having been sexual is in itself an impediment to an ongoing friendship is to elevate sex to a level of power that it does not deserve. Sex is wonderful, but it is only one facet in the jewel of being with someone. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, First, let me tell you how much I like your column. My husband and I just celebrated our tenth anniversary, took a long-belated honeymoon without the kids, and are looking forward to the next ten years. Your wisdom and insight bring me hope and skills to get us there, in this time when many of our friends are leaving their long-term relationships. This brings me to my dilemma. About eight months ago, two very close friends of ours who were partners got a "divorce". One of them had an affair, and decided to leave the home the couple had built together to live with her lover, in a town about an hour away. I converse and spend time with the friend who was "dumped" quite often. I'm having a hard time figuring out my relationship with the friend who had the affair, however. First of all, it was not something I would have expected of her, so I'm still shocked and a little disappointed. I really do not want to get to know this new lover at this time, since all I know of her is that she pursued my friend even though my friend was in a committed relationship, and that bothers me. And then there's the fact that my friend moved so far away, making physical contact that much more difficult. I'm trying hard not to be judgmental, and I did value our friendship at one time, but now, I'm just confused. I know you typically deal with intimacy between partners, but how about friends? This person has not tried to explain her actions to me, and I feel it's not my place to ask. After all, she didn't do anything to me, only to er partner. I would appreciate any advice you have on this matter. Thank you very much!!--C Dear C, Thank you for your kind words about us. We are delighted and supported by your response. There are several issues here you must face. First, what has been shocked are your expectations. She behaved in a way that radically upset the picture you'd drawn of her. That doesn't mean she is not responsible. Before the "divorce" she behaved in ways that gave credence to your expectations. Nevertheless, the depth of your shock is equal to the certainty you gave to who you thought she was. We assume her affair didn't happen in an instant. To have left the home she'd participated in building must have required some time to persuade her. But she was persuadable That is at the crux of the issue. She was persuadable. So she either was not as satisfied as she appeared in the relationship you knew, or she saw something so incredible that she could not resist. Although the latter does happen, the former is more likely. You say it's not your place to ask her to explain her actions. Why not? She behaved as a friend and so she has a responsibility to you. She may not respect that responsibility but it is there nonetheless. If you do not ask, you are doing yourself a disservice. You have been fractured and you must do whatever you need to heal yourself. When you say she didn't do anything to you. That's not true. She disrupted you and all those who she helped believe she was content in her previous relationship. You say you were very close. That counts for something. We are not beings who live in isolation from one another. We are deeply, subtly and intricately inter-woven in each other's lives and if we enjoy the benefits of that intimacy we must hold ourselves accountable for the impact of our behaviors on that intimacy. We suggest you call her. You need to do that for you own well being and, if she was a friend, she owes you some explanation. If we are not responsible to one another for what we allow others to believe about us, then chaos reigns. © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments In "Be Loved For Who You Really Are" we show you how to develop the Grace of Deep Intimacy that blesses any couple's life when they travel the full journey of what love has to offer. One of the blessings of a spiritually sustained romantic love is that in it you find yourself relating to all of life through love. In this way, loving endearments can come from and be given to even strangers. For example, Judith has an old wrought iron bird cage stand that she found in a junk store ages ago and now she wants a plant to hand where the bird cage used to be. Today at our supermarket (45 minutes down the mountain) the following endearment occurred. JUDITH: I asked the woman watering the outdoor plants if she had any small hanging planters. She said no and then offered to walk me over to The Dollar Store (three stores away) to show me a small planter that might work. To do so she had to leave her post outside the supermarket where she sells the plants. I was so touched by her generosity and interest in sharing what she knew. When she showed me what she had in mind, it wasn't quite right but I'd been opened to think about some other options. As we walked back, I thanked her for her generosity and told her how meaningful her suggestions had been. She smiled and acknowledged that sometimes we just need someone else's input and then helped me pick out the best plant for my experiment and asked me to keep her posted on how it worked out. I asked her name -- Tina. And then I thanked her once more, assuring her that I would give her a full report the next time I saw her. We had been endearing with one another -- and she initiated it by offering to take me to the other store. Years ago I would have been too uptight to let a stranger give to me in that way. Today I can smile about this wonderful experience and look forward to buying and talking about plants with Tina. The New Intimacy When you put on an emotional mask to hide yourself, you are making a conscious or unconscious assumption that others will not accept you for who you are. Your mask is supposed to change how you appear to others, to stand in for or replace who you are, in the hope that people will accept your "made-to-order self." Masks are often necessary. It would be foolish, if not dangerous, to suggest that you just drop your masks and go out into the world soul-naked. But as your masks successfully keep you distant from those around you, they also keep you distant from yourself. Masks hide all kinds of perceived inadequacies. You may not feel attractive enough, so you wear heavy makeup or drive an expensive car you can't afford. You may thinkyou're not smart enough so you purposely limit your discussions with friends to a narrow range of topics. You may feel you need to compensate for being overweight or underweight, too sensitive or not sensitive enough, frightened, indecisive or anything else you feel you need to conceal. But masks don't hide just the bad things. We often use them to hide our talents and dreams, our skills and abilities in order to purchase acceptability. In our culture, women have often had to deny their own competence in the workplace in order to appear "ladylike." Many men have had to suppress their tender feelings to protect themselves from being called "wimps." It's not uncommon for teenagers to sabotage or deny their academic excellence in order to belong. Mask wearing is always a performance calculated to produce a specific result. The longer you keep the mask on the more practiced you become at being what you imagine someone else thinks is acceptable. You become increasingly dulled to your own impulses, feelings and responses and are finally unable, for all practical purposes, to distinguish between who you are and who you are trying to be. Even so, the truth of who you are never dies. It echoes out through a vague sense of fraudulence and through an almost silent guilt. Somewhere within you know you are acting out a deceit. You know you are accountable for the self-rejection that initiated the whole process, the self-rejection you are doomed to perpetuate as long as you keep concealed. It doesn't matter how successful you are with your disguise.You still lose yourself. In fact, your success is a death sentence, creating more and more emptiness, more and more loneliness, more and more spiritual hunger, because your mask cannot ever fulfill those you are trying to please nor can it be fulfilled by them. You can only come back to life by reclaiming your self and that's one of the primary rewards of lovework. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I just found out a few days ago that my boyfriend of a year has had an outbreak of herpes, both in his mouth and on his genitals. Well, he then broke down and told me that his previous girlfriend/mother of his 2 year old daughter had them, but never had the symptoms while they were together. He's been 100% faithful to me (I know), so he had to get it from her. The question is....I haven't had any symptoms yet, but I more than likely have it because we've been together a year, and do not use protection. We were planning on getting married and moving in together within the next couple of months, but I feel really down about this whole "showing symptoms now" thing. I don't know if I will ever be able to kiss him, much less have sex with him ever again. Is it too late, should I just stay with him and deal with it, or should I kick him to the curb? Pondering-the-thought, need some advice........... Dear Pondering, The very first thing you should do is consult a doctor. Herpes is a virus and that can be tested for. Also, has he seen a doctor? Does he have medical confirmation that what he is showing are in fact herpes? But these are secondary issues. You have framed this as an all-or-nothing response -- stay with him or kick him out. We appreciate your surprise and hurt and feeling betrayed. But the point here is whether or not your boyfriend is sincere. And whether or not you actually love him. Do you believe him when he says that his ex-wife "never had the symptoms while they were together." You say he has been 100% faithful. How does that factor into his being sincere? You've been with him for a year so there clearly are things you enjoy about him. When we are shocked, as you have been, we go into hyper- protective mode. That's an intensely black-and-white way of being. Given that you are unsure of what to do, trust your instincts and allow the shock and hurt to subside. We'd advise that you keep your sexual distance during that time. And then, when you feel stronger, talk with him about his side. How he feels? What guilt, embarrassment, shame does he feel? What remorse? Although it may look like a one-way-street -- that is, only you have input and it's exclusively your choice, that leaves you alone without information you need to make a decision you will be comfortable with. You two need some heart-to hearts. Express the hurt, fear, rage, whatever so everything is on the table. Then decide if love will prevail -- or will it be shock and disappointment that wins your heart? © 2001 The New Intimacy Loving Endearments Sometimes a loving gesture can appear to be just a chore or a job. But that's only when it's done without any awareness of your lover or spouse or not received with loving gratitude. JUDITH: For instance, we went grocery shopping a couple of days ago and Jim got a pint of lovely, fresh strawberries. JIM: But I didn't eat them right away. In fact I'd forgotten about them. JUDITH: Tonight, as I was getting dinner ready I spotted the strawberries hidden behind some left-overs in the refrigerator. So I stemmed and them and cut them up. JIM: When she served them to me for dessert with a little local maple syrup, I knew it was a love gift. Stay conscious about showing your love through your everyday "chores." The New Intimacy In our May 4th issue we wrote about the need to say "I'm Sorry," in a relationship. Michael M. sent in this response. "When "Love Story" first came out, I was about 18 years old. My cousin (female and about 14) asked me what I thought about that catch phrase from the movie, "Love means never having to say you're sorry". In that issue we said -- "It suggests that two people who love one another never crash into each other, never step on each other's toes, never say or do anything hurtful. Yet, anyone who's been in an intimate relationship knows that's not true." MM - Sounded like exactly what I said to her at the time. She gave me a different perspective that was not recognized in your (or my) interpretation." "She said, "Those words don't mean that you never do anything wrong, never do anything you have to say 'I'm sorry' for. It means that, when two people are truly in love, truly soulmates, that when they have the occasional lapse into the imperfections of humanity and get angry or do something hurtful, then when the 'perpetrator' comes back apologetic, he (or she) doesn't actually have to SAY 'I'm sorry'. The other person already knows it. 'Love means never having to SAY you're sorry'" Thanks Michael. Yes, it's true that there are times when there is no need to SAY anything. In fact, speaking may just get in the way. However, our problem with your cousin's interpretation is that it assumes a lot. First, that the offended partner already "knows" the other feels bad. Sometimes that's true. other times not. But it asks for people to read each other's minds. Also, if they need not SAY "I'm sorry," then they need not SAY "I love you" or "How was your day" or "Gee, you look good" or "What's going on with you?" Such soulmates just know. Well, that may apply at some times in some cases, but most people need to say it and hear it -- whatever it is. We would rather not leave love to mind reading. After years of working with couples, and witnessing the loneliness and desperation that arises out of silence, we opt for speaking. So we heartily suggest that expressing thoughts and feelings is not only safer, it actually fosters more intimacy because there has to be an overt giving and receiving. When two people do that, they lay themselves open to one another, which is at the heart of committed intimacy. One more point, we don't believe the "occasional lapses into imperfection" are in fact imperfections. They are part of the very fabric of this life. It seems to us that if we relate to them as imperfections, we deny their value as teachers and we hold a false notion of what it means to be human. And at the worst, we use "true love" as an escape from the fullness of what this life presents to us. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I have been married for over 15 years. I have had a male friend in my life for about the same amount of time. We have seen each other over the years only as friends. After all the years we decided to have sex. Well, I was not quite ready for it. It was lousy. When we were done he was deep in thought and I asked him what was wrong and all he could say was that he was thinking about work. I feel I ruined a good friendship by sleeping with this person. Things are not the same. What can I do to resolve this? I will not sleep with him again, but I would like to keep the friendship. Thank you. Goofed Dear Goofed, We are more concerned about your having sex with this person and not caring about the impact on your marriage of 15 years than whether you can keep the friendship. What is missing in your marriage that drove |
