Getting Past Sexual Shyness

Shyness in the bedroom is common for many people, in particular women. When it's present the result is always the same-physically relating to another person becomes difficult. If it isn't corrected early on, the foundation of a relationship can weaken, leading to sexual frustration, arguments, cheating or worse-a broken love affair.

By it's very character, sexual shyness acts as a barrier that keeps two people at a distance. However, it doesn't have to. There are ways to create and build sexual closeness.

Behind the Scenes

Other than being unfamiliar with a new lover, there are two primary reasons that cause someone to experience sexual shyness: 1. Lack of skills or inexperience with lovemaking, and 2. A real or perceived bad sexual experience. Regardless of the genesis, there are four simple things that you can do to help elevate it:

Learn Where it Came from. If you can uncover when you first began to have negative thoughts and feelings toward intimate acts, you will be on the road to rebuilding your sexual self-esteem.

A good way to begin the process is to try a simple technique-make a list of all the sexually-related experience that causes you angst. Next to each incident, decide if the experience holds true today. For example, although it upset you to be called flat-chested when you were 12-years-old, now as a fully-developed woman, the insult no longer applies. With that, it's time to let go of the damaging belief tied to the memory. The process of putting your thoughts into black and white will help to each more real and manageable. As you do this, you will begin to see a new confidence emerge.

Relaxation. The tenser you feel, the more sexual shyness you'll experience. Prior to being intimate with your partner, find ways to relax yourself: exercise, yoga, bubble bath, a hot drink.

Skill Development. The more you practice, the more confident you will be in the bedroom. Skill development can come about in a number of ways: reading books that instruct on sexual techniques, watching movies to learn how others do "it," visualization (imaging yourself in a sexual situation) and, of course, through actual practice with your partner.

Positive Self-Talk. Each time you catch yourself feeling shy, pay attention to what you are thinking. More than likely, it will be a negative thought that will exacerbate shyness. Stop your thought immediately and replace it with a positive statement that builds your sexual confidence.

© 2010

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Nancy Fagan is the best-selling author of 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Romance' and 'Desirable Men: How to Find Them' has appeared on several hundred radio and television shows including Ricki Lake, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, ABC News, NBC News, CBS News, The Berman & Berman Show, FOX News. She has been featured in most major newspaper in the United States and worldwide as well as regularly mentioned in the nation's top magazines such as Ladies' Home Journal ('Can this Marriage be Saved?'), Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Men's Health, Bride's, Seventeen, Women's Day, Family Circle, Women's Own, BBW, Complete Women and dozens of others. To read more, visit This column is reprinted with permission from Send questions to E-Mail

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