How to Succeed with Women Archive Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the issue of Relationships. This section is Ron Louis and David Copeland's weekly column, How to Succeed with Women featured on our homepage. They are authors of How to Succeed with Women, The Sex Lover's Book of Lists, and The Mastery Program audio course. Send them those seduction questions: questions@howtosucceedwithwomen.com You're question may be used in the next newsletter! Subscribe to their Free newsletter for tons of Free seduction information. Type in your email address, and click on "subscribe," then click on submit! See a sample from The Rules For Getting Laid and a review on Amazon.com or the tape series. Also, check out their web site www.howtosucceedwithwomen.com and see a review of their book.   Another Seduction Question Answered Approaching Groups of Women Are you Seeing Anyone Else? Asking Women Out and Meeting Women Online To Become More than Just a Friend Dating Basics Dating Q & A The Dirty Half Dozen Do's and Don'ts of Dating Younger Women The Dumbest Pickup Lines of all Time The 8 Dating Myths Flirting Moves Flirting via Email Flirting with Humor Getting Women to Lose Weight Handling Women Who Have an "Attitude" How Can I Get Women to Approach Me? Is My Girlfriend Lying About Her Sexual Past? I Think I'm a Failure Keeping Casual Sex Casual and First Steps in Pursing WomenKeeping Your Confidence with Women and Not Having a One-and-Only Hope Overcoming Feeling "Beaten Down" and the Three-Step Process for Dealing With Rejection Penis Enlargement Techniques that Do Not Work Pornography To Enlarge or Not to Enlarge? Seduction Questions Answered Seducing Via Email with Love Poetry The Surprising Secret of Getting Yourself to Approach Women The Window of Opportunity Women Not Calling Back and Not Ending Up a "Friend" Other Relationship Issues, Books Is My Girlfriend Lying About Her Sexual Past? Dear Sirs, How can I manage to know if my girlfriend is lying about her past sexual experiences? In fact I don't trust in what she says about her past. Thanks Hi! Comedian Chris Rock has the answer for this: You take the number of guys your lady friend says she's had sex with, and double it--at least. The reason is that she's probably had all sorts of sexual experiences that, to her, "don't count." So Chris Rock's advice,which is pretty good, is to double it--at least. But the fact of the matter is that the problem isn't how many sex partners your girlfriend has had--the problem is how upset you seem to be about it. It's never wise to put a woman on the defensive about her sexuality. You've asked her how many guys she'd slept with. She told you. She probably revised the number downwards so as to not hurt your feelings. Sensing that you would be upset about her sexual past (as you seem to be), she revised the number downward to avoid trouble with you. Now you are either badgering her about how many guys she's slept with--"Are you sure you've only slept with five guys? How many have you gone down on?" etc., etc...or you are thinking about badgering her about it. This insults her in two ways: you are calling her a liar, for misleading you about how many guys she's slept with, and a slut, for having slept with so many guys she feels she needs to lie about it. Even if she has lied to you, and even if she has had a slutty past, you are only going to create trouble insulting her in this way. You are going to generate a fight with her. And for what? This all goes back to the basic distinctions of fighting with a woman: there is NO point in fighting with a woman. No matter what happens in a fight with a woman, you will lose. Either you lose the conflict, and she won't have sex with you, or you win the conflict, and she won't have sex with you. Or--worse case--she cries, and you REALLY lose. Why is all this so important to you, anyway? Our advice for you is to let all this go, and, every time you want to get yourself upset by thinking about her sexual past, think about the fact that she is with you now, instead. Let go of her past...it'll only create trouble if you don't. Are you Seeing Anyone Else? Dear Ron and David, A lot of women I meet want to be in long term, committed relationships or marriage before they will have sex with a guy. They want to be the "one and only" you are seeing or not deal with you at all. When a woman that I am pursuing asks me if I'm seeing someone else, how do I explain myself without destroying my chances of seducing her? Anonymous Dear Anonymous, Great question! As you know, we believe there is no point in misleading a woman. It makes you feel bad about yourself as a man, and is difficult to do well, anyway. Having said that, then, what should you do? We believe you should tell a woman the truth, but the intensity of the truth you tell should increase as you build a more intimate and trusting relationship with her. For instance, it may be true that you love pornography, or that your dream in life is to sleep with two bisexual women at once, but it would be wildly inappropriate to share these facts about yourself until the relationship has built up enough trust to handle the intensity of such revelations. Some "truths" really don't belong on a first date. "Truths" about "looking for the one and only" really don't belong on a first date. They are too intense, and your relationship isn't strong enough at that point to handle such conversations. It would be like you asking her on the first date if she likes to have sex every day, or if she would be interested in dressing up in latex for you. The questions aren't bad; just premature. Usually, dating and talking about dating other people works like this: You have no interest in a monogamous relationship with any woman. It's her JOB to convince you, to enroll you in the idea of a relationship with her. One of the ways she does this is through sex. Very often, this works for her: you have sex with her a bunch, and start to see her as potential relationship material, after all. Then (if all goes well), after you've been dating for a couple of months, she'll ask, "are you seeing anyone else?" At THAT point you have a decision to make...give up the woman, or give up other women. She's just shooting herself in the foot by asking the question anytime before she's given you good reasons to like her. So what should you do when she asks, "are you dating anyone else?" on the first date. First, don't make a big deal out of it. Tell her, "Yea, I'm doing some dating now, but certainly nothing serious." If she presses the topic, you can say things like, "I'm looking for a relationship that can develop, that we can both be really honest in, where we can really see what's right between us, you know what I mean?" or "I'm not really looking for a relationship, but I'm definitely open to one with the right woman. I feel like it's a little early for me to have that conversation with you. " These things are _true,_ and that's what's important. Second, you then need to be re-directing the conversation to something else, because, as we said, it's as inappropriate for her to ask you about your commitment potential right away as it would be for you to ask her about her sexual potential right away. Ask her about something else. Generate an experience for her. Get her thinking about something else. Some women are crazy on this subject, though. Just like some guys go up to women and say "hey baby, wanna fuck?", some women hammer men about commitment during her first conversation with a guy. If she won't get off it, you'll have to move on. But if you understand why it is inappropriate for her to be asking this, and understand how to handle it without being a liar, you will probably be okay. Penis Enlargement Techniques that Do Not Work Dear Ron and Dave; I am sure most men have experienced the "attitude". That is that a high percentage of American women either view men as oppressors or just pigs or both. It is probably the most ironic circumstance in history, since so many men sacrificed so much to protect the very freedom that so many women abuse every minute of every day. I have tried to adapt, hoping to find that unusual woman, but I find that it is so dibilitating and humilating dealing with these uncultured creatures that I wish there were a better way. I feel that you are genuinely providing an honest service and I would like to take advantage of your help if you think there is a positive outcome for me. Bob S. Dear Bob, This sounds like a difficult situation for you. It is true that in some places women are nicer than they are in others. Some places just have a snottier vibe; we don't know why. But even if you can't move somewhere else, there is something you can do about your situation. You actually face two problems. One, you face the problem that women aren't nice to you. Two, you face the problem that your anger about that has built up over the years, and now gets in the way in every interaction with women you have--even when they _are_ being nice to you. This second problem is much bigger than the first. If you are angry with all women, it just makes their attitude worse when you interact with them. They sense your anger, feel attacked, and get angry back at you. The problem is, in life you find what you are looking for. You understand this already--when you buy a new car, for instance, you start seeing cars just like yours everywhere. Your mind has become attuned to it, and you just naturally find it everywhere. The same thing happens with women. This isn't to say that women aren't often mean. They are. It's not all "just you." But once you've been hurt by how mean women can be, your mind becomes attuned to it. You tend to see it everywhere. You become so "on the hunt" for women being mean that you tend not to be able to see anything else, even when women are being nice to you. Eventually you lose your mind. If it's any help, you are right--women can be very mean. But being right all day will not get you sex and relationships with women you desire. You've got to take the necessary action to change the pattern you find yourself caught in. First, you must stop spending time thinking about how mean women are. The more time you dwell in it, the more pervasive it will become. When you find yourself ruminating about how mean women are, or talking about it, immediately think about or talk about something else. Second, you've got to create a series of experiences for yourself of noticing women being nice to you. Some women are nice, even in your life, right now. You've become expert at noticing when women are mean; now you have to become expert in noticing when they are nice. Notice and journal about when women are nice to you, no matter how small the examples may be. In time you will see women's niceness more easily. This will make you less tense and angry around women, which will make it much easier for them to be nice to you, because they won't feel attacked. Sometimes, if you are really angry, you may need some therapy to help you find a way to safely deal with it. That's okay. Keep the faith! How Can I Get Women to Approach Me? Hi Ron and David! Here's a question for you--how can I get women to approach me? Bob Hey Bob, The men who succeed at attracting hot women with little or no effort are the men who follow seduction fundamental #8: "Be building a life you love, separate from women." These are the men who have gone after what they really wanted in their lives...the rock stars, the presidents, the famous actors. You probably don't fall into one of those categories, but you can make use of the underlying principle, which is this: Women are attracted to men who are turned on by their lives and by what they are up to. This is why a guy in a garage-band can have women approach him for sex: he's excited by what he is up to, and doing something unusual, even if he doesn't have a lot of money or power. This is why "creating a live you love, separate from women" is a fundamental. Ultimately, we want you to be what we call a "level 5 'man's man" seducer,' living a life that women naturally want to be a part of. Getting to this point, however, requires effort. In our book, How to Succeed with Women we talked briefly about "gimmicks." Gimmicks are things that make you more approachable to a woman. If a woman wants to talk with you, but she can't think of a thing to say to you, or anything to talk with you about, she won't make the approach, period. If you have something about you that makes you easier to approach, the possibility of her making that approach goes up. However, we must warn you that gimmicks are not a cure-all. The biggest problem that our students have with gimmicks is that the students who are usually most interested in finding a gimmick try to use it to replace doing the other seduction fundamentals. That never works. They seem to think, "Great, I have a gimmick, I don't need to learn to approach women, or to initiate with women, or to handle rejection, or to learn how to flirt and show romantic interest, or any of the other eight fundamentals of seducing women." Then they are surprised when the gimmick doesn't solve all their problems with women. The bottom line is this: it's important that you don't indulge in thinking that there's a way out of doing the work to seduce women. Gimmicks might help, or they might not. Here are some of the gimmicks men use: - Learning magic tricks and learning to perform them in social settings - Having a dog - Carrying a baby - Having a hand puppet, and interacting with everyone you see with it - Going to a poetry reading and reading love poetry - Learning palm-reading and using it to talk with women These gimmicks are not as easy as they look, though--If you learn magic, you still have to have the balls to perform the tricks, and no doubt you'll end up coaxing women to "pick a card" anyway, so you are back to having to do the initiating. If you carry a hand-puppet (as one successful seducer we've known does), you still have to have the balls to go up to women and interact with them through it. Having a dog may get some women to approach you, but you'll do better at a dog park or dog-training seminar--and there you are, having to initiate again. If you read poetry at a poetry reading, women may come up and talk with you afterwards, but you're still better off making the first approach. And if you learn palm-reading, you still have to get it started with a woman...and if you are going to go to the trouble of getting palm-reading started, you might as well flirt with her in other, more authentic ways, like through "deepening" conversations. So perhaps gimmicks make the initial approach easier. But there's a better way to do it. The best way we've found to make the initial approach easy is through fundamental 5, "Do your niche work." You must find niches that work for you. Niches put you in situations where it's easy to talk with women, or even automatic, and that's what you really want. A niche is an event or location that has interacting with women you find attractive, more or less automatically. The best niches are points of entry into communities that contain women, and they set you up to interact with those women. These can be classes on all sorts of topics (from accounting to trapeze), churches, workshops, art openings, organizations of "friends" of the Art Museum or Zoo, new age events, personal growth weekends, clubs, or anything else you can find where people gather to share their enthusiasms. Niches can be a pain in the ass to find, but once you have found niches that work for you, it becomes much easier to meet women and seduce them. Let's talk a little about the "personal growth seminars" niche. Some of our top students use personal growth weekends as a favorite niche, because the women who go to them are often young, open-minded, and attractive. One of our students recently went to a personal growth seminar weekend and told us this about it: "There were two hot young Italian girls there, who at first I thought were lesbians because they were touching each other so much, but I guess that's what they do overseas. We got to talking about the different processes over the weekend, and I was in a small group with one of them, and I practiced all my flirting moves. I paid attention to what they shared, and talked with them about it when I could, and they were both really receptive, though one more than the other. The Sunday night after the program was over I took one of them out, made my move in the restaurant, and she started kissing me so passionately I was actually starting to feel like it was too much to be doing in public! We went back to her place, and it was great. The best part was I really didn't feel like I had to 'work' to get her to like me--being at the seminar together seemed to give us a lot in common automatically, and made things a lot easier." One of the key elements of most personal growth seminars is the deep level of bonding that quickly happens between participants. At a personal growth seminar, you will be in a group of people who are there to break out of their normal day-to-day routines and to try something new. This can be a good environment for you to experiment with new behaviors with women who will be much more receptive than women on the street would be. Most seminars stress emotional honesty. People who reveal their inner most secrets are often rewarded by the group leaders and gain the respect of fellow seminarians. This environment is perfect because you can come across as Mr. Sincere and Mr. Emotionally Honest & Available. This is attractive to women. On a break you could walk up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say something like, "I really feel like I can be honest about who I am here, and that I can take risks I've never been able to take before...and so I want to tell you I think you are a very beautiful woman, and I'd like to get to know you better." In such an environment, which stresses honesty and sharing, you can approach many women and honestly express your attraction, and ask them out. If that's too much for you, you can practice your flirting moves on breaks or when the group separates into small groups for sharing. Another advantage is that most women attending will be open to meeting you, and may even approach you first. Some will actually be attending with the sole purpose of meeting a man (like the woman our student connected with at the seminar he went to). You may find the information presented at the seminar useful, too. As we've said so often, the clearer a man is about his purpose in life, the easier a time he usually has with women. A seminar may help you develop this clarity. The only major downfall of seminars is that they may cost too much money. Try to find seminars that have an introductory evening that you can go to, first, and scope out the women who show up before you invest your time and money. Are personal growth seminars the answer for everyone? Of course not. You have to find out which niches work for you. The point is to get you thinking about the question, "What niches might work for me?" What are you interested in? What might you be able to become interested in? Check out your local weekly paper or events calendar, or your local newspaper's web site to start finding some possible niches for you. In the right niches, it becomes very easy (or even automatic) to approach and talk with women--and that's closer, at least, to having women approach you. The Surprising Secret of Getting Yourself to Approach Women Dear Ron and David, It seems like I'm always seeing chances to talk to hot girls, but I just can't seem to do it, even though I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what I might say, from the stuff I've learned from your book and web site. I end up feeling really bad about this. What should I do? If you could give me some insights, I would be very grateful. Sincerely, Amateur Joe Dear Joe, Thanks for your question! So, you are not taking the opportunities with women that life presents you, and feeling bad about it. Lots of men do this. Let's look at how you can go from "seeing an opportunity" to "taking an opportunity." The way to go from "seeing an opportunity" to "taking an opportunity" is: 1) Notice the opportunity you could have taken. 2) don't beat yourself up about not taking it 3) celebrate the victory of what you did do, and 4) imagine in your head what the next step could have been with this woman. 5) get closer to taking the opportunity, or actually take it next time. Let's go through these steps one at a time, because they are useful for any man who finds himself feeling intimidated or tongue-tied with women. 1) Notice the opportunity you could have taken: It's important to at least notice whatever opportunity you are walking away from. This is an important step toward actually taking the opportunity. 2) Don't beat yourself up about not taking the opportunity: This is crucial. What most guys do the moment they see an opportunity with a woman that they didn't take, they start beating themselves up. "I really screwed that up! Why don't I have any balls?! I suck!" They punish themselves for the opportunity they "missed." Think about your interactions with women: have you ever done this? When you punish yourself for not taking opportunities with women, you are trying to motivate yourself to take action. The problem is, beating yourself up to get yourself to take action really doesn't work, _especially_ in the world of women. And it gets worse. Beating yourself up about opportunities you don't take actually makes it harder for you to take opportunities in the future, because you connect so much pain to the entire thing. You won't even see opportunities in the future, because the whole thing hurts too much. The bottom line is, we wish beating yourself up worked, but it really doesn't. You have to give it up. 3) Celebrate the victory of what you did do: It's also critical that you celebrate the victory of what you did actually do. Did you talk to her at all? Feel good about it. Did you put yourself into a situation where you could have interacted with a hot woman, even if you didn't interact with her? Feel good about having put yourself in that situation. Find something to feel good about, and feel good about it. 4) Imagine in your head what the next step could have been with this woman. Once you are not feeling bad about yourself--and are even feeling good--you should spend a little time going over what you _could_ have said to the woman you did not approach. Did you simply need to say "hi"? What about her could you have asked "What's the story behind that?" What sort of Deepening questions could you have asked her? What genuine compliment could you have given her, perhaps after asking "What's the story behind that," which would have shown your romantic interest? What one or two flirting moves could you have done? Imagine yourself doing them, and it going great. What could you have flirted about? 5) Get closer to taking the opportunity, or actually take it next time: The path from seeing an opportunity to taking that opportunity runs directly through these steps. If you want to become a guy who "just finds himself" taking opportunities, you must be willing to go through a spell of seeing those opportunities without taking them, WITHOUT THEN BEATING YOURSELF UP, and while feeling good about what you did do. Then you must imagine what you might have done, without regret or upset. Seeing opportunities and not taking them is part of learning to take opportunities--but ONLY if you don't mess things up by beating yourself senseless about it. We have found that, with ourselves and our students, allowing these steps to happen leads to actually taking opportunities. When you feel bad about "missing" opportunities, you short-circuit this process, and are never able to go from "see the opportunity" to "taking it." So stop beating yourself up, today! The Window of Opportunity Q: Hey guys, I have your book, and it's done wonders for me. (How many times have you heard that?) My question is regarding the "Window Of Opportunity" you mentioned briefly in your book. I had a steady girlfriend recently for 6 months (using the techniques in your book). While I was with her I met and flirted with (though never dated) a few very attractive women. I even got their phone #'s, and invitations to parties, etc. I never took these girls up on their offers. I recently broke up with my girlfriend, and now I'm starting to think about these women I met while I was with her. Although, as you've stated, I feel sort of strange having "known" them for awhile, and now I'm just starting to actively pursue them. It doesn't feel quite right to me (almost like dating your neighbor). Is there a way around this, or should I start a clean slate and forget about these girls? - R. A: Dear R., Great question! Would it be odd to go back to these girls now, who you didn't pursue when you were in a relationship? The answer is, NO. Let us tell you why: Women are always looking to you for how things are going in an interaction. This means that if you are upset, or filled with the concern that what you are doing is somehow weird or inappropriate, she'll pick up on that and be concerned about it, too. If you are confident that it's okay that you are calling, even after a few months, she'll more than likely be okay with it, too. So often men ask us, "When is it appropriate to call a woman?" The same rule applies--there's no "set time" you must wait, you must simply be confident that when you do call, it's the "right time." Then she can look to you to see if there's a problem, see that there isn't, and relax herself. The fact that you've not called because you are a faithful guy who keeps his word in a relationship can actually work FOR you, rather than against you. What there is to do is call these women, and say something like "Hi! It's [your name]. It was really great getting to know you a few months back, but I have to tell you I never followed up because I was in a relationship, and was committed to keeping my word and being faithful to the woman I was with. That ended a little while ago, and, if you are open to it, I think it might be fun if we got together for a cup of coffee sometime. How does that sound to you?" From there you set up a coffee date, and you are off to the races! And if it's any help, we've interviewed women and asked them, "would it seem weird to you if a guy called a few months after getting your number," and the answer was almost uniformly some variation on "Not if it wasn't weird for him." Best of luck! Seducing Via Email with Love Poetry Q: Ron and Dave, When is a good time to start sending the romantic letters in the e-mail? I have known this girl for about 2 weeks. EXTREMELY HOT. I have to shake guys hands everywhere I go just because they have seen me with her. I don't want to push it too fast with the romantic talk, but I also want her to think romantically about me. I also have her home address if you would like to add anything there, thanks, Lucky A: Hey Lucky, Good work on the first stepsŠgoing out with a woman you find attractive. Now for the next stepŠturning into mindless hanging out to something romantic and sexual. You don't say much about your relationship now. What's it like? Are you kissing? Making out? Having sex? Heck, are you even holding hands? Does she know you are not just a friend? This stuff is important. Since you are reluctant to make romantic talk with her, you are probably not having sex with her. You must start showing your romantic interest in her. You must be complimenting her, for one thing. If you are not complimenting her as a woman or showing your romantic interest, then you are really in trouble--she may be thinking of you as a friend already. Email is great, because it gives you the opportunity to say things, especially romantic things, that you might not normally have the nerve to say to a woman. It gives you an opportunity to run "visualizations" on her. Remember, when you describe something to someone, they have to go inside and imagine what you are describing, just to be able to track with what you are talking about. If I describe one of the new VW Beetles, you have to imagine it. By the same token, if you describe an experience to someone, they have to go inside and imagine having that experience in order to understand what you are talking about. SO, you want to write emails that describe wonderful feelings of love and romance to the woman of your dreams. This will get her in the right state of mind for your next move. We suggest love poems. Search on-line, or go to a bookstore or library and look under love poetry. Write her emails that say things like, "I saw this poem and it made me think of you. I thought I'd share it." Then enclose the poem. Feel free to use the same poem on a number of women, just so long as they don't know each other. In your situation, romantic emails should be part of your approach. You should be showing your romantic interest, and taking her on a seduction date. You should have an outcome in mind for each date--kissing her? Having sex? Be sure to pursue other women--don't let her be your "one and only hope," and be willing to take the risk to find out what she thinks of you. If you haven't kissed her yet, you should soon. Whatever you do, don't let this hang out as "maybe-friends-maybe-potential-lovers." Be the man, push the situation, and FIND OUT. Asking Women Out and Meeting Women Online Q: Hey Guys--I just wanted to ask how to close the deal with a girl. After talking to them for a while I still have trouble getting their number, or asking them out on a date. I would appreciate your advice, Needs the Number A: This is simpler than you might think. After chatting with a woman for a while, and doing some of the flirting moves so she knows you are interested, you simply say, "hey, you seem cool. What would it be like if we went out for a cup of coffee sometime? Could I have your email address, or phone number?" If she says yes, try to set up the date right then. It's really just a matter of opening your mouth (or, as Ron calls it, your "pie trap") and risking rejection by ASKING HER. Q: Hi Ron and David--I bought your book and I am almost halfway through it. I decided to start trying to talk to women through the internet ads and have done a massive email campaign. I sent out emails on 23 different ads and have not received one friggin' response. I am trying to remain positive but this is disheartening in the extreme. I don't think that I am a hideous looking guy, but I sent my picture with the response to the ads, in order to forgo the later rejection if I happen not to be their type. please advise me on what else I am doing wrong. Thanks, Frustrated A: Dear Frustrated, Let's go over some of the basics of getting women on-line. First, sending out 23 emails and getting no response shouldn't be a big deal to you. On-line, no response is the norm, so you have to be able to move quickly through large numbers of women. The secret is quickly, quickly, quickly--using the same email, or one that requires very minimal changes, for each woman. There's three ways to meet women on-line: 1) On-line personals ads. This means both placing and answering ads. Remember, no where is it more of a number's game than on-line. 2) Chatting with women. AOL is our chatting means of choice. To you techies out there, yes, we know you hate AOL, hate what the software does to your system, etc. However, if you have AOL, you can search for women who meet your criteria, and find out if they are on-line. If they are, you can Instant Message (IM) them right away, and a certain percentage of the time get conversations going. Here's how you do it: In the AOL software: Under PEOPLE, Hit SEARCH AOL MEMBER DIRECTORY. Now hit the box in the bottom right corner that says RETURN ONLY MEMBERS ONLINE. Now hit ADVANCED SEARCH, and put in things like location, or shared interests. You might look under "new age," or "astrology" or whatever kind of woman you think you have a chance with. Oh yes, and also click FEMALE. This will return a list of women who are on-line right now, who you can talk with. Double click on their names to bring up their profile, if they have one. From there you can hit LOCATE and SEND IM. Just start with something like "hi!" 3) Seeking interesting women and emailing them directly. You do this the same way you seek women on-line, as we just covered. The only difference is you don't check RETURN ONLY MEMBERS ONLINE. It will then give you a list of all women who meet your criteria. You can literally send them all the same letter. Remember, it's a numbers game. Move quickly, and get through hundreds of women, and you'll have success on-line. Dating Q & A Q: What should I do when she hates my porn collection? A: When you are seducing a woman for the first few times, she simply shouldn¹t be allowed to find out that you have pornography. The only exception is if she asks to see some while you are having sex, and this is rare. Put it away where she won¹t find it while she¹s looking for a shirt to wear while she makes coffee the next morning. As you get to know her better, continue to keep your porn where she won¹t see it, until you can figure out how she feels about it. The main thing you need to know is that if she hates porn, you must never argue with her about it. Simply listen to what she has to say, then change the subject. Arguing about pornography will never change a woman¹s mind on the subject. Don¹t even try. And keep it away from her. Q: What should I do when she doesn¹t like my friends? A: When you are first seducing a woman, she shouldn¹t meet your friends. Your friends represent an unnecessary variable in the seduction equation. You don¹t know what kind of idiotic things they may say or do to screw up your seduction. They may even try to steal the her from you! If you run into a friend when you are out with her, get rid of him as quickly as you can. After you¹ve been sleeping with a woman for a while, she may begin to get to know your friends. The thing to know is that you must never abandon a friend because a woman doesn¹t like him. Don¹t hang out with them at the same time, but don¹t write him off, either. Some men abandon their male friends when they get into a relationship with women, and they pay the price in loneliness later. Don¹t make this mistake. Q: What should I do if I find unpleasant surprises under her clothes? A: This can happen. Henry was a rock musician, and after a performance in a bar, picked up an extremely hot woman and took her home. "When I reached under her skirt, I discovered she was a he!" Henry told us. "Needless to say, I told him to get the hell out of my apartment." This is an extreme example of the kinds of surprises you can get when you finally get a woman¹s clothes off. One of our students got an attractive woman back to his apartment, only to discover that all of her body was covered by fine black hair. "It was an incredible turn-off," he told us. "I felt bad about it, but what could I do?" Another man told us about a date whose bustline turned out to be entirely padding. "I was so looking forward to getting my hands onto her breasts," he said. "I might as well have saved myself the time I spent seducing her, and grabbed a box of tissues!" Another man told us of a woman who had a pungent, unpleasant smell once he got her in bed. It¹s tragic, but sometimes it happens that you want to get rid of a woman because you discover she just doesn¹t turn you on. What should you do? Most of the time, it doesn¹t pay to tell her your specific gripe about her body. All you¹ll do is upset her about something she may have little or no control over. Why devastate her? Why be mean? Try saying something like "I know! Let¹s go get some ice cream!" And jump up and start putting on your clothes. You can also say "I really want to know you better before we take this any farther," to tactfully slow down unenjoyable sexual play. It¹s no fun to have to bail out on a sexual experience, but if you do, try to do it as gently as possible. Approaching Groups of Women My question is on approaching a woman who is with a group of friends. Thanks to your book I could do it when they are by themselves, but I still can't approach them when they are in a group, even if I sort of know them. Confused Dear Confused, This is a place where teaming up with another guy can make a big difference. Recently we were running an individualized weekend for a client, and as part of it took him to a mall to help him learn about approaching women. We went to the make-up area of a department store, because there were lots of pretty women there, all standing around in a group, not working. The two of us flirted successfully with the five of them, and created interactions that could have lead to further interactions or to phone numbers. Some pointers: - Approach the group first, the individual woman second. You can approach a group with your male friend, and then split up pretty fast. You approach together, make some jokes, then start to focus more on separate women. At the store, the women were together, but they tended to drift back to their posts occasionally to look like they were working or to help a customer. As they drifted, we went with them. We also came back later and were able to go directly to the women who had been most responsive. - Be playful. It's good to let your romantic interest be known right away, perhaps saying something like, "Wow, I haven't seen such a bevy of beautiful women in as long as I can remember! How could one store be so lucky to have all of you?" We said this and they laughed and giggled, as much as it might make you gag to think about saying it. - Use your friend to demonstrate playfulness. One guy showing up and being playful with a group of women can be too scary for them--none of them want to get caught up in the playful vibe until someone else has, so they all might just stare at you blankly. If you are with a friend, you can both be playful and jokey, and that gives the women more permission to get playful with you. After all, someone else has already joined in. We did this by requesting free make-up samples, especially emphasizing each other's need for such a service. It created a vibe that they could let themselves get into, because they weren't the _first_ to get caught up in it. - Mix up being playful and more "normal." Full on playfulness will overwhelm your quarry if it never lets up. We also asked questions like, "Do men buy makeup? What kind do they buy?" and "What's your favorite part of this job?" or "Do crossdressers shop here?" Remember, your goal in flirting is to leave her feeling happy and excited about the idea of seeing you again. Leave while it's still fun, and check back in with her later. Getting Women to Lose Weight My wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have one child, 3 years old. While my wife is still a beautiful and sensual woman, I would like her to shed those extra 15 pounds. I have purchased gym memberships, workout classes and personal trainers for her. How can I convince her to get back in shape? David: Alert! Alert! Pay attention, boys: No woman will change because she feels you are pressuring her to do so! Ron: Look at it from her perspective. She's married you. She's been sexual for you. She's even produced an heir for you! And what do you do in response? Pressure her to change her body. Good luck, pal. David: A woman wants to feel loved the way she is. And buying her gym memberships will never make her feel loved the way she is. She'll resist you, get angry, and even get fatter! Ron: Back off for a while. Don't pressure her. Grit your teeth and tell her you are more committed to lover her the way she is than you are to her losing those pounds. David: And at the same time, you get yourself into shape, bub. Use the gym membership and personal trainers yourself. Invite, but never pressure her to join you. In time, she'll feel loved the way she is (as well as inspired by how you look), and want to lose that weight, too. Confidential to "Likes the real thing": We know you hate condoms. We know you REALLY hate condoms. We know you think you are special and exempt from the rules because you hate them so much. Here's the news: everybody hates condoms as much as you do. You're not special. Condoms are the law of the dating jungle. Unless you want to risk 18 years of child support and deathly diseases, wear one. You have no chance of changing the jungle; you must adapt to the harsh terrain. Wear a condom. Get over it. Confidential to the guy from Chicago who called us on the phone: Our telephone service provider accidentally reset our voice-mail system last week, causing us to lose all our stored messages, including yours. Call again! Seduction Questions Answered Question 1. What's the best opening line? A. "Hi." According to a University of Chicago study, "hi" is the best opening line there is, followed by "how do you like the band?" (but only if a band is, in fact, playing). All the cutsie lines you've heard--"Is heaven missing a couple of angels? 'Cause I can see them bouncing around inside your blouse,"--don't work any better, and usually work quite a bit worse. Even if the cutsie line does work, you are still left with the same basic problem--"there's a human being in front of me, what do I say? "Hi" works the best at getting you to that point.. Question 2: But the woman I want to say hi to isn't anywhere near me--I'd have to go up to her. What should I do? A. Try the "goodbye introduction." This is a cousin of the "goodbye compliment," which we discuss in How to Succeed with Women. Imagine you are at the gym, and you see a woman who is really attractive to you. But she's busy lifting weights, and it seems like your gym is not such a friendly place, anyway. The opportunity is this: time your leaving the gym for when she is between sets, or stretching. Then on your way out, introduce yourself like this (smile while you do it!): "Hi, I'm just leaving, but before I do, I really wanted to introduce myself to the woman who has such wonderful form. My name is David." She says something back, like "Oh hi, my name is Tracy," then you say something like "I hope to see you here again." Then you leave. This creates an opening for you to talk to her next time you see her--"Hi Tracy, how are you?" It also gives you a way of interacting with her for the first time without there being much risk--since you tell her up front you are leaving, she's less likely to be afraid of you wasting lots of her time. It also builds your esteem, and teaches your nervous system that you can actually survive talking to beautiful women, which makes it more likely you'll do it again, and again, and again. In time this can even help you develop the confidence to ask for her number in that situation, but for now, just try this much--we'll build on it later. Question 3.. I always beat up on myself, because I see opportunities to take action with women, but I don't take them. The other day I was at the mall, and there was this beautiful girl working at a store, and I was the only one there, and it would have been easy to do the "goodbye compliment" or "goodbye introduction," but I just couldn't. I really feel like a loser. What should I do? A. This may surprise you, but the more men we coach, the more sure we become that it is true: Seeing an opportunity and NOT taking it is part of the process of learning to take it. So when you see an opportunity to talk to a woman, and you don't do it, know this: that's part of doing it. It's like doing a little dry-run in your head. Or, you might say it's like there is this seducer guy inside of you, that you are learning to bring out. This guy comes out one step at a time. First he notices the situations where he could take action. Then, in time, he takes the action. But the first part (noticing the action, but not taking it) usually comes before the second (actually taking the action). Beating yourself up actually make this process go SLOWER, and makes it more painful. Our experience and the experience of our students has shown us over and over again that you can get through this process faster if you don't beat yourself up for seeing opportunities and not taking them. Best is to say, "Oh, that was an opportunity. What might I have done?" Then run through it in your head, followed by "Great! I'm one more step closer to doing it." Soon you'll find yourself just doing it--if you allow the process to happen. Another Seduction Question Answered Dear Ron and David, I want to be able to score with any woman, 100% of the time. I know you might think that's silly, but it seems to me that if it's too easy to get a woman, it doesn't really count. Like last week I met a woman while I was traveling, and I used your techniques, and it was like it was too easy; she was so into me right away that, even though she was pretty, it didn't seem like it meant much to score with her. What can I do to get the 'harder' women? - Hard up for hard women Dear Hard, This is an amazingly common trend we notice among the men who work with us: If things go easily, the seduction (or flirting conversation, or priming date, or whatever) didn't really "count," so they don't feel good about it. They seem to think that only if a seduction is 'hard' is it worth feeling good about. It seems like you have this problem. Let's take a look at it. First, you need to realize that some women are just not "open for business" and no matter how wonderful you are, they will not be interested in you. You can take a tiny spark of interest or sexual vibe with a woman and fan it into a flame of passion by making the right moves, but if there's absolutely no spark to start with, there's really not much you can do. In time you can learn to trust your gut about whether or not there is a sexual vibe. While you can kill the sexual vibe by being a bonehead, if there isn't one from the start, there usually is a reason that has to do with her. Here are some examples: - The beautiful woman Ron went out with recently who exuded no sexual vibe whatsoever. Near the end of the date, she confided in him that she had been heavily abused as a child, and had always hated sex. - The attractive woman David recently met at a personal growth workshop who emitted no sexual vibe at all. David was puzzled, as he was doing all the "right" things--until saw her sit down next to a butch dyke, and hold hands with her. - The hot woman you meet who doesn't respond no matter what you do, who you later discover is married or who has a serious (or jealous) boyfriend. The point is that a woman who is unattainable is unattainable for a reason, and you are not likely to change that. If you are living your life thinking that only scoring with an unattainable woman "counts," you are going to have a difficult life. Also, if you only let yourself feel good if a seduction was difficult in some way, you are violating seduction fundamental number 4, "Celebrate Your Victories." (To find out more about this fundamental, go to www.howtosucceedwithwomen.com/learn/07/body.shtml .) Our consistent experience is that violating the fundamentals of seduction is a bad idea. You can learn to succeed with increasingly difficult women, if you wan to, but you never will if you can't let yourself feel good about the "easy" ones. You need to spend some time looking at these so-called "easy" seductions or interactions with women and ask yourself two questions: First ask, "What did I do that made this interaction work?" Did you do the flirting moves (to learn about or review the flirting moves, go to www.howtosucceedwithwomen.com/specialsection/flirting.shtml .) Did you show your romantic interest right away? Did you find yourself doing situational flirting, asking "what's the story behind that?", asking romantic questions, or doing deepening conversations? Acknowledge yourself for that. As so many of us men know, it is possible to take a woman with whom you have great innate chemistry, and turn her into "just a friend" by not taking the opportunity right away and doing the right things. You did the right things, so acknowledge yourself. Second, ask yourself, "What bonehead things didn't I do to ruin it?" So many of us men have also experienced how easily a fart joke, physical humor or lighting up a cigar can permanently ruin an otherwise effortless seduction. Look at your "effortless" interactions and notice the places you could have screwed it up, but didn't. Acknowledge yourself. And let yourself feel good. Even if the seduction wasn't difficult. I Think I'm a Failure Dear Dating gurus, I used to be able to get women easily--now I'm not confident I can anymore. It seems like every time I get near an attractive woman now, I just think about what a loser I am all the time. Even if they are nice to me, I'm so convinced that I'm a loser that I can't be myself with them. What should I do? Missin' the good ol' days Hey "Missin'" It sounds like you are a victim of "operant conditioning". Basically, you've become conditioned to think of your "failures" when you see an attractive woman, which just makes you feel like even more of a loser, which perpetuates the whole cycle, right? What you really need to do is start breaking the cycle, which will not feel natural at first. We suggest you start relentlessly managing your mental state around women. First, you should start listing to yourself, every day, the things that happened that day that were successes with girls. Second, you should find a way to make EVERY interaction with a woman a success in your own mind--which won't feel natural at first, but will become so, don't let that stop you. LET YOURSELF FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR SUCCESSES. Third, you need to get over the "what will people think" concern--you do that by being outrageous with women (ie flirting, etc,) and making every interaction a win in your own mind that you feel good about. This will start breaking the negative cycle you are caught in. Don't dwell in rejections, change your focus and move on. Dear Guys, There's this woman I'm interested in. She has a boyfriend and doesn't show much interest in me, but I really want her and just find her so attractive. I'm not interested in anyone else-I visit this girl at the shop she works at, but she often says she's busy and can't talk. What should I do? Pining Dear Pining, One of the biggest mistakes you are clearly making is to put all your eggs in one basket. That is to say, you are only hitting on one woman and not pursuing other women. We strongly recommend you start to flirt and date many women at once, while you search for a girlfriend. When a man only pursues one woman he cannot be successful, as his mind becomes clouded with naive hopes. This will eventually lead to desperation, which is happening to you So, start today searching out for other women to pursue. One very useful thing you can start today is the HI program. Make a commitment to say HI to several women per day. This simple technique will improve your confidence and it will eventually build into having conversations with women. You can also use this tool to observe the areas within yourself that are resistant to talk to women, and start to work on them. At the beginning of your dating, you should never put all your eggs in one basket. Don't let this woman be your one and only hope, and you'll have a better chance with other women, and also be more relaxed and attractive around her. Flirting with Humor Remember this: you want to make women laugh. If you can make a woman laugh (so long as she isn't laughing at your expense) then you are delighting her, and she'll want to see you again. However, as most men know, women often find different things funny than men do. It's easy to misuse humor with women, and to frighten and offend them instead. With that in mind, here's a list of do's and don¹ts for flirting with humor. Don¹ts 1. Don't joke with a woman as roughly as you would with a guy, and don't make jokes about her appearance. This is very important. When a guy drops something, for instance, it's a funny, bonding joke to say "way to drop that, ass-wipe!" Among men this is great humor, occasions for "high-fives" all around. Such jokes are how we men play together. When a woman drops something, you must be much gentler on her. It's best to not make fun of her mistakes at all, or she will be offended. It's also better to not make jokes about her appearance, unless you are sure that the joke can be taken only in a positive way. Women are taught to be paranoid about their looks; if a woman can misinterpret a remark about their appearance, she will. When Robert told Greta "Wow, you've got such a nice, big butt. I like big women," he really sincerely meant it. Greta took offense, and so will every other woman in western civilization. 2. Don't joke about violence unless you are absolutely sure she'll like it. And she probably won't. Once again, play among men and play among women is different. Among men, jokes about violence are funny: You might ask a man for some information only to have him reply, "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." To guys, this is funny. To women, it's scary. There's a big difference. Kenny met Rachel at a day-long personal growth seminar. Afterwards they took his car to a nearby bar. Along the way, Kenny made his error. Thinking he was joking, he said "Oh, what the heck. I think I'll just take you out to the woods and kill ya." Rachel became upset, and only the fact that they were just then pulling into the bar kept her from freaking out entirely. "The thing is," he told us later, "I had used that line on a girl I met at a punk-rock concert a few weeks before, and she thought it was hilarious!" Most of the time, women hear jokes about violence as threats of violence. They aren't flirty, and you shouldn't make them. 3. Don't use physical humor with women. Guys play with each other using physical humor. They play-punch each other, give each other noogies, and generally get rowdy together. They make physical jokes about pissing, farting, and feces. Men find these joke to be great fun, but they don't work on women. Keep away from physical humor and body elimination humor. Just don't do it. These jokes will offend her. You have to decide which is more important: to make that fart joke, or to get laid. 4. Don't make yourself the butt on any jokes. This is very important. Remember what we've said; when a woman is first meeting you, she's deciding what position you will have in her life. Will you be a lover? A friend? Someone she avoids? She's trying to figure out what level of respect to give you, and one way she figures that out is by watching how you treat yourself. If you make jokes at your own expense, she knows that you aren't worth wasting time on. Some men are so used to making fun of themselves to entertain women that it's hard for them to stop. Jerry was always the class clown, was a little overweight, and was used to making fun of his heaviness as a way of entertaining women. "I learned that if I made fun of myself, they'd laugh," he said. "But I noticed I never got any sex. It was hard to give up being the butt of my jokes, but I did it, and now I've got a girlfriend." Do's 1. Do make "creative misinterpretations." When you approach a woman, you've got to be alert and have your eyes open. Look for the details in her appearance or in what she is doing that you can safely make jokes about. You do this by putting a new spin on something normal. When Bruce asks the bank teller "Do you get to keep a percentage of all the money you take in each day?" he's creatively misinterpreting something in her environment and using it to flirt. When he asks if she gets to keep a percentage, he's being silly in a way she can relate to. It gives them a joke to talk about that and creates a little separate little world for them together. Similarly, when Frank jokes to the girl at the heath-food store about being a major in the army, he's taking something at hand and creatively misinterpreting it, recasting it as something they can joke and flirt about. Every time he sees her they return to this joke, and she feels more comfortable with him each time. You should try to make your misinterpretations complementary to her. For example, misinterpreting the woman collecting the money as you leave a parking garage as "the parking goddess" would be more effective than misinterpreting her as, say, a trash collector who got lucky and got her current job. The first is a joke; the second is an insult. Keep track of the difference. 2. Do smile and say "hi." Your expression is an important part of your behavior. When you approach a woman to flirt, it's best to be relaxed and to smile, make eye contact, and say hi. Too many men approach flirting in a non-playful manner. They are resentful about having to do it, or are indulging a bad mood. They don't look relaxed and they don't sound relaxed. As we said in chapter three, you must overcome adolescent posture. It may be necessary for you to get some bodywork or to take some yoga classes if you habitually radiate tension . When you are relaxed and approach a woman, she sees it on her face and in your eyes. 3. Do ask them about things they know. Work related questions are good, as are questions about personal appearance. As well discuss later, one good line is "What's the story behind that...?" If, for instance, she is wearing an unusual necklace, you might say "what a beautiful necklace you are wearing. What's the story behind it?" 4. Do ask questions. Along the same lines, it's a good idea to ask them questions. After all, you want to find out about her, and asking the right questions can give you important information. It's not an interrogation, so don't badger her with questions, but do make inquiries about what she cares about. For example if she's holding a flower, ask her about it: "That rose you are holding is beautiful. Why did you pick roses? How do roses make you feel? Or you could ask "Why do you think women love flowers?" Either way, you are engaging her, through your questions, in a conversation that is about her likes, her dislikes, and her feelings. That's the kind of conversation that could become more romantic later on. 5. Do describe feelings for her. Your goal in flirting is to get her to think romantic thoughts about you, and to want to act on those thoughts. To do this, you must describe romantic feelings. Have you ever been with someone who was describing something disgusting? Perhaps a friend had been sick, and later described to you, in intimate, loving detail, every step and every nuance of how it felt to be about to throw up. Can you remember how you felt as he described his sickness? Did you start to get sick, too? Or have you ever wished someone would stop describing some horrible event or accident, because you are starting to feel how it must have felt? You probably have. These people have used a simple principle on you, that to describe a feeling to someone makes them experience that feeling. That's why you feel sick when your friend describes getting ill, or you feel queasy when someone talks about a disgusting accident. To flirt successfully, you absolutely must take advantage of this principle, only in reverse. You must describe the feelings you want her to have--romance, attraction, arousal--in lush and lavish detail. As you describe these feelings, she'll start to have them. The principle is simple: when someone describes something to you, you must imagine it to be able to understand what they are talking about. If I'm describing my new car to you, and tell you that it's a mini-van, and it's blue, you can't help but imagine it. Even if I tell you not to imagine something, you have to imagine it to know what not to think about. If I tell you not to imagine a mini-van, you must think of one, so you know what thought to avoid. The same thing happens when you describe a feeling to a woman. Whether she wants to feel the feeling you are describing or not, she must feel it to even know what you are talking about. The extent to which she feels it is dependent on how well you describe the feeling. For instance, Sven is talking to the attractive young woman behind the pastry counter. "I can imagine you must feel so great and special behind the counter, goddess of the whole store, and people come to worship you," he says to her. "Those great feelings of people coming to see you must really make you feel wonderful." He's playfully described feelings of specialness to her, and, if she is to evaluate what he's talking about at all, she must go inside and feel those feelings. As she feels those feelings while looking at Sven, she starts to connect his visits to her store with feeling those special feelings. In time, this will lead her to "naturally" feel attracted to him. Poets are the get-laid kings of all time. Poetry is a wonderful tool in teaching you how to make beautiful, and detailed, descriptions on romantic things. After all, 99% of poetry is about love. If you look at most any romantic poetry you'll find it's made up of descriptions of romantic, loving feelings. Romance novels are much the same way. They are unending streams of descriptions of romantic feelings. Learn to speak romantically by describing romantic feelings, and you will be much more successful with women. 6. Do be confident that your joking is okay. One of the top flirting mistakes men make is that they wait for the woman to be comfortable with the flirting before they become comfortable with it. We can't emphasize this enough: when a woman first meets you, she is trying to decide if you are dangerous or not. If you are uncertain and hesitant, you come across as though you, too, are afraid that you are dangerous. You act as though you are scared of yourself, and she will become scared, too. You must decide to have certainty that you are not hurting her, are not a threat to her, and that your flirting is fun and relaxed for you both. If you feel scared, uncertain and worried about your flirting until she seems relaxed, she'll never relax. If you are hesitant about your joking until she laughs, she'll never laugh. She'll be too scared by how worried you are. Pete has this problem. He tries to flirt, but to him it is such a big deal and he's so afraid that he's going to scare his prospect away, that he's a big ball of tension. When he talked to Natalie, the receptionist at his dentist's when he goes to get his teeth cleaned; he was as frightened as a cornered mouse. He had to work himself up to talking to her, and his heart was pounding. He kept asking himself "What if she doesn't like me?" and worrying about potential rejection. "So, I guess a lot of people get hurt here," he "jokes" with her, his jaw muscles throbbing with tension. She just stares at him, wondering what kind of a psycho he is. He notices her fear, and becomes more upset himself. "Uh, I mean, that's a joke," he says weakly. "Oh, heck. When's my appointment?" His fear, and his need for her to not be afraid of him, makes him fail with the receptionist, as he does with all women. Now let's look at how Bruce handles the same situation. When he sees Natalie, he knows he desires her, and knows that she may or may not be induced to desire him. He knows that she may not respond to him, and doesn't care. Bruce has decided that his joking is fine, and is certain that he is charming, even if she doesn't think so. When he walks up to talk to her, he is smiling and relaxed, radiating confidence rather than tension. "So, you are the guardian of this ba-a-ad, evil place, eh?" he says to her in a laughing way. She looks at him to decide if he's a threat, but he's so relaxed and seems so certain that everything is fine that she decides to laugh in response. "Oh yes, I'm the guardian, all right," she says. He continues in his confident, joking manner, "How could I persuade you to put a spell on me to keep me from harm here? In fact, I think I can feel you putting a spell on me already. You are bewitching me, Natalie," he says, reading her name off her nametag. She laughs at his joking. "Now I feel like I can go in there, protected by the spell you have me under. I'll just say to the dentist, 'the beautiful and charming Natalie put me under a protective spell.' How do you think that will work?" "You can try it," she responds, laughing. "But I'd still take the novocaine." "Oh, I don't need painkiller after seeing you," he comes back. "Have you ever had the feeling of meeting someone, and it's like you heart can only feel good feelings, can feel no pain? After meeting you, I'm sure I won't need anything else." She blushes, "Well, thank you!" Bruce made this interaction work because he was certain that it would work. If he approached uncertain, like Pete did, and waited for Natalie to give him approval before he allowed himself to relax, he'd have the same failure Pete has. Because he's not waiting for her to feel good for him to feel good, he's able to create the good feelings for them both. 8. Do be romantic with your humor. Just being a clown for her isn't enough. You must also make it clear that you find her attractive. In the above example, Bruce doesn't only make Natalie laugh; he also uses their flirting to let her know that he finds her beautiful and charming. He does this by slipping in the occasional compliment, sideways. When he says, "I'll just say to the dentist, 'the beautiful and charming Natalie put me under a protective spell,'" he's telling her that she is beautiful and charming, and that he's thinking of her as more than just a friend. By doing this, he makes her chose what category to put him in; friend or potential lover. If she keeps flirting with him after he says these romantic things about her, then she's accepting the fact that he's a potential lover. Only if she rejects his compliments will she be able to think of him as just another lowly male friend. But, because she's having so much fun flirting with him, she's unlikely to reject his compliments. By being romantic with his humor, he puts himself on the inside track for being her lover. When you look at how Bruce flirts with Natalie, you can see how she would have a hard time thinking of him as "just a friend," because of the romantic quality of his flirting. You, too, can do this, if you show your romantic interest as you flirt. Overcoming Feeling "Beaten Down" and the Three-Step Process for Dealing With Rejection Help! I live in [area with numerous military bases]. This area is teeming with single men, almost three to every eligible woman. The women here are spoiled, in that they have their pick of whomever they choose, and it is almost impossible to connect. The competition is over overwhelming, and, boy, do most of these women have attitudes! Regarding personal ads and the Internet, I have been told by many that they get over forty responses to every ad/posting. Answering them is futile, and when I place one the only (if any) responses are from old fat women with kids. No luck there. Go to a bar? There will be a handful of women in there being chased by every guy in the place, with the ratio of ten men to every one woman. Schools and social activities? Same thing, or there will be a lot of fat, ugly, gross women. I have tried almost every idea in your book. I am a handsome, successful guy with a lot going for me, and I realize that it is a numbers game, but the deck is stacked heavily against me. Any suggestions? -B. Dear B: Thanks for the letter! You're biggest problem is managing your own mental state in the face of the difficulties of your situation. Like so many men, you've become somewhat "beaten down" by how hard things are in your area, so each subsequent "failure" hurts more than the last, and makes it even harder to keep trying and moving forward. Behaviorists call this becoming "sensitized to a stimulus." What was annoying and difficult becomes insurmountable. Everything looks too hard, so why even bother? One thing we've noticed is that almost every man goes through a spell of being stop Flirting via Email (From the Internet Seduction Toolkit) It's important that you be able to flirt with women via email, both in responding to their ads, and in responding to their responses to your ad. This page will teach you some of the basics.  Fundamentals of responding to a woman's email: 1) You want to make it easy for her to write you back, so ask specific questions she can answer. If you answer everything in your email to her, but don't give her conversational openings, she'll have to generate it all, and she won't. 2) If you use the "reply" format, in which you quote something she says (quoted lines are usually preceded with a ">" mark, some programs use a " | "), make it easy for her. Cut out any of her stuff that isn't relevant to what you are responding to--you don¹t want to make her have to wade through a huge quote to figure out what part you are responding to. 3) Basically, you want to take stuff she talks about, and look for passion in it, and ask, - "how can I describe a kind of experience with this that will feel good for her to read?" - "What questions can I ask her that will have her think about great stuff, and feel good?" 4) You can throw in some "deepening," by asking something like, "I'm curious myself--I'm always interested in what people are passionate about. If you don't mind me asking, where's the place of greatest passion in your life? Where are those moments where everything seems to come together? For some people it's in their job, for others it's outside of work--I'd just be curious to know, where are those moments for you?" or just ask, "What do you do for a living?" This will connect her with her passion, all because of you! Be prepared--she'll ask back the same questions you ask her, but you can use it to describe more great stuff to her. 5) Give women pictures, so you can get pictures from them. You can get rid of a lot of these women quickly if you swap pictures, but you need a good one of yourself. If you don't have one, get one taken soon. It's okay to say "I don't have a picture right now, but I will in a few days." 6) This will take time! But it's worth it. Pornography Dear Ron and David, I've been dating a woman, and it turned sexual and everything was going great. The problem happened the next morning, when she opened my bedstand drawer and noticed a couple of porn magazines I had in there. She got really disgusted and went through them, one page at a time, lying on my bed and reading aloud in a derisive voice all the dumb comments they put next to the pictures. "Oh, I'm sure she said this!" Blah blah blah. I totally didn't know what to do. - Shamed porn-lover Dear Porn-lover, When you are seducing a woman for the first few times, she simply shouldn't be allowed to find out that you have pornography. The only exception is if she asks to see some while you are having sex, and this is rare. Put it away where she won't find it while she's looking for skin lotion or a shirt to wear while she makes coffee the next morning. As you get to know her better, continue to keep your porn where she won't see it, until you can figure out how she feels about it. The main thing you need to know is that if she hates porn, you must never argue with her about it. Simply listen to what she has to say, then change the subject. Arguing about pornography will never change a woman's mind on the subject. Don't even try. And keep it away from her. In your situation you needed to change the scene. Women can be real ball-busters about porn, and you simply have to change the scene and get her thinking about something else. Tell her you want to make her breakfast, or take her out to breakfast. Take a walk with her. Anything to get her out of your bedroom, and away from your porn. On the upside, while a lot of women really hate porn, a lot of those women have accepted that men like porn, and that their love of porn is one of the flaws of men they simply have to try to ignore. So make it easy for her, and get her away from your porn. She'll never be able to ignore it as long as she's holding it in her hands. Ron Louis and David Copeland To Enlarge or Not to Enlarge? Last week we began answering a question about penis enlargement. While we are not doctors, we did have the opportunity to research this question while putting together our book Sex Lover's Book of Lists. Last week we shared with you some methods that don't work. This week, let's talk about some that do.  Penis Enlargement Methods That Work 1. Enlargement surgery. Every year, over 6,000 American men have penis-enlargement surgery. There are two types of surgery; lengthening and widening. The average price is $4,000. One of the top enlargement surgeons in the country is Dr. Melvyn Rosenstein of Culver City, CA. He has single-handedly performed over 2,000 enlargement surgeries. There is a debate between doctors as to the safety of these operations.  2. Lengthening surgery. The lengthening surgery consists of cutting two ligaments connecting the penis to the public bone. Next, the penis is pulled forward from the body cavity. This operation adds around two inches to the length. 3. Widening surgery. Some men desire a thicker penis. The operation to achieve this goal is done by injecting fat under the skin of the penile shaft. The fat is taken from the lower abdomen and buttocks. The operation can double or triple the girth. The dangers are that the fat often melts away within a year and is reabsorbed by the body. 4. Penile Prosthesis. A penile prosthesis is an artificial rod or pump that is surgically placed inside the penis. Most doctors consider this to be the last resort for problems. The rod version has the penis stay in a continual state of erection. Many men report this to be useful, but it is much less popular than the pump because of safety and comfort issues. 5. Inflatable Implants. Surgeons perform approximately 20,000 inflatable implants surgeries each year. The implant has three components: inflatable cylinders are placed inside the penis. Tubing connects the cylinders to the abdomen, and the pump is placed in the scrotum. When a man pumps air into the cylinders they inflate and so does his penis. The pressure release valve connected to the pump reverses this process. Once again, the surgery is risky, expensive, and can be ineffective. However, it is rumored that Flip Wilson had implant surgery. 6. Weight Loss. Weight loss is much more effective that you would ever think. For every 35 pounds of weight a man carries over his ideal weight his penis will appear to be one inch smaller. Overweight men tend to have fat covering the pubic bone at the base of the penis. The result is that the penis appears smaller. Specialists recommend increasing exercise and decreasing fatty foods. Handling Women Who Have an "Attitude" Dear Ron and Dave; I am sure most men have experienced the "attitude". That is that a high percentage of American women either view men as oppressors or just pigs or both. It is probably the most ironic circumstance in history, since so many men sacrificed so much to protect the very freedom that so many women abuse every minute of every day. I have tried to adapt, hoping to find that unusual woman, but I find that it is so dibilitating and humilating dealing with these uncultured creatures that I wish there were a better way. I feel that you are genuinely providing an honest service and I would like to take advantage of your help if you think there is a positive outcome for me. Bob S. Dear Bob, This sounds like a difficult situation for you. It is true that in some places women are nicer than they are in others. Some places just have a snottier vibe; we don't know why. But even if you can't move somewhere else, there is something you can do about your situation. You actually face two problems. One, you face the problem that women aren't nice to you. Two, you face the problem that your anger about that has built up over the years, and now gets in the way in every interaction with women you have--even when they _are_ being nice to you. This second problem is much bigger than the first. If you are angry with all women, it just makes their attitude worse when you interact with them. They sense your anger, feel attacked, and get angry back at you. The problem is, in life you find what you are looking for. You understand this already--when you buy a new car, for instance, you start seeing cars just like yours everywhere. Your mind has become attuned to it, and you just naturally find it everywhere. The same thing happens with women. This isn't to say that women aren't often mean. They are. It's not all "just you." But once you've been hurt by how mean women can be, your mind becomes attuned to it. You tend to see it everywhere. You become so "on the hunt" for women being mean that you tend not to be able to see anything else, even when women are being nice to you. Eventually you lose your mind. If it's any help, you are right--women can be very mean. But being right all day will not get you sex and relationships with women you desire. You've got to take the necessary action to change the pattern you find yourself caught in. First, you must stop spending time thinking about how mean women are. The more time you dwell in it, the more pervasive it will become. When you find yourself ruminating about how mean women are, or talking about it, immediately think about or talk about something else. Second, you've got to create a series of experiences for yourself of noticing women being nice to you. Some women are nice, even in your life, right now. You've become expert at noticing when women are mean; now you have to become expert in noticing when they are nice. Notice and journal about when women are nice to you, no matter how small the examples may be. In time you will see women's niceness more easily. This will make you less tense and angry around women, which will make it much easier for them to be nice to you, because they won't feel attacked. Sometimes, if you are really angry, you may need some therapy to help you find a way to safely deal with it. That's okay. Keep the faith! Keeping Casual Sex Casual and First Steps in Pursing Women Dear Ron and David, I've gone out with a girl I met only a couple of times and the sex is great. It started out on a sexual level and I'm happy to keep it that way. All of a sudden she's asking me lots of questions, 'cause I initially lied about my age (cause I'm older than she thought, but I eventually fessed up). Now she wants me to tell her the "truth about everything." O.K. I admit...I even lied about my true name because sex was all I was interested in, and she doesn't need to know more. So here's the question. What do you do when chick starts to like you too much and wants more into your world than you care to have her, while at the same time you don't want to lose the sex? C. R. Hi! Thanks for writing! You have here what we call a "short-term sexual relationship." This means that when she wants more, it ends. It is short-term. Usually relationships that end after just a few times being sexual together end because the women wants "more." That's when you tell her you don't want more, the relationship ends. That's it. When you lie to a woman, it makes the end of the relationship even more dramatic. When you lie to a woman and she finds out, she either leaves or stays around to punish you. If she stays with you after you've lied to her about you age, your name, and who knows what else, it's going to be to take revenge. That might get you a bit more sex, but we guarantee it won't be worth it. To be clear: while we are supportive of short-term relationships, we do NOT support lying to a woman. We are against lying both because of the effect it has on her, and because of the effect it has on YOU. Lying to a woman is hard on your self-esteem and self-respect as a man. When you lie to a woman to get sex, you affirm to yourself that you HAVE TO lie to get women. It's almost like you are saying, "The real me isn't good enough to ge a woman, so