The New Intimacy


He's 43 going on 18

Dear Judith & Jim,

This is my first time asking advice on my relationship. I guess after 12 years I didn't feel I needed help. 

What I'm having a problem with is that my husband drove trucks over the road for a while. Now I kind of expected him to fool around but what kind of puzzled me is that he gave me permission to fool around on him.  

The other thing is that he is kind of getting kinkier as he gets older. Is this normal? I mean for him to go from normal standard love making to just out and out raunchy sex? Don't get me wrong! It's interesting to say the least but I'm still puzzled as to why.

He's 43 going on 18. Does that make any sense? Is he going through a mid-life crisis or something? I'm just afraid that he is being too open-minded and I'm going to be the one getting hurt in some way. Please advise. 

Dear Puzzled,

You ask if this is a mid-life crisis. In a way it is. The simplest way to understand a mid-life crisis is to realize at 43 your husband is old enough to see that many of his youthful dreams are not going to materialize. He's old enough to know who he is and to suffer some regrets for things that might have been.  

It is not abnormal for some men (and women too) to stretch themselves way beyond what they're accustomed to in order to stave off the feelings of constraint that can accompany mid-life recognitions. You've surely heard of the 45 year old guy who starts chasing 20 year old skirts, or the 45 year old woman who suddenly finds younger men to her liking. That rarely has anything to do with sex and more to do with resisting the aging process. 

So, regarding your husband, have you talked with him about his new sexual appetite? Have you told him your fears about being hurt? Have you asked him what he‘s after with his new sexual interests? It also seems like you are enjoying some of what's going on and if you weren't concerned with getting hurt, you might enjoy it even further. Have you talked with him about that?

Please let him know how you are feeling. Tell him you're afraid. Invite him into your concerns. He may open your mind while you are opening his about how you feel.  

Is there risk involved? Sure. But there's even more risk if you two aren't emotionally and spiritually intimate while your sex life is changing. 

Talk with him. Let him know. And find out what's in his heart.  

© 2006, The New Intimacy

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Intimacy is spelled "in to me you see". - Stan Dale

I have always made a distinction between my friends and my confidants. I enjoy the conversation of the former; from the latter I hide nothing. - Edith Piaf


Husband and wife psychology team, Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski, are the bestselling authors of "The New Intimacy" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a Year." Their latest book is Be Loved for Who You Really Are: How the differences between men and women can be turned into the source of the very best romance you'll ever know. They provide corporate trainings on breaking through resistance to success and relationship workshops about The Magic of Differences--romance based on respect and value for each other's unique ways. As guest experts they've been on over 600 television and radio shows including Oprah, The O'Reilly Factor, 48 Hours, Canada AM, and The View. Visit their website at

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