The New Intimacy


Workin' It Out - Together

In the early days of love it all seems so bliss filled and romantic -- and it feels like it will last forever.

Then you settle down, get married, create a home, have kids and......where did the magic go!? There's so much to do, the errands never end, the house always needs work, the kids are demanding, and your love seems to have slipped away. Or has it?.

You wish you felt more connected. You wish it was more like it was in the beginning when you couldn't get enough of being together. And perhaps you feel overburdened and lonely doing the chores and making a living and taking care of the kids and.....

Well, kind to yourself, your partner and your relationship and check to see if you both feel the same way. Chances are you do. And chances are really good that because you've cared enough to ask, this kindness will open new possilbities for deciding to do more of the daily family maintenance and caretaking--together!

Sure you may have different schedules. But surely you can find some time when you BOTH fold the laundry (while watching TV, perhaps!), pick out a new paint color for the bathroom (even if one of you has to bring home a bunch of swatches from the home deco store and look them over late at night) or take the kids to the birthday party together (even if you have to forego a golf game or shopping trip just this once).

You may be thinking, big deal, it's still a chore to do that stuff. Yes, that's true is you only hold on to a worker-bee attitude. But if you approach these tasks as ways to be kind and make life more enjoyable, then you will be well on your way to finding the daily romance in workin' it out together.

Judith: Even if we seldom have company that will be shown around our house (meaning they get to see our bedroom on the second floor), we both make the bed together nearly every morning. We've remarked on how much this mundane kindness reminds us of our care for each other and for our home.

Jim: Frequently one of us washes the dishes after dinner and the other dries. The tasks may be menial but the bondedness of consciously doing them together is revitalizing and endearing -- while making the work more fun!

Find just one thing you typically do alone and figure out how to make it a form of daily kindness to yourselves and to your relationship. The practice of teamwork, a joint contribution to being together, will allow you to trust one another more and create new avenues of shared experience and discussion.

And be as kind to yourselves as you might be to outside help. For example, include your favorite snacks and good music if you're doing something like building a new fence, re-doing your flower beds, painting the house or cleaning out the garage.

Be kind to one another and make it as fun as possible to to get the work done--together!

© 2005, The New Intimacy.

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Intimacy is spelled "in to me you see". - Stan Dale

I have always made a distinction between my friends and my confidants. I enjoy the conversation of the former; from the latter I hide nothing. - Edith Piaf


Husband and wife psychology team, Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski, are the bestselling authors of "The New Intimacy" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a Year." Their latest book is Be Loved for Who You Really Are: How the differences between men and women can be turned into the source of the very best romance you'll ever know. They provide corporate trainings on breaking through resistance to success and relationship workshops about The Magic of Differences--romance based on respect and value for each other's unique ways. As guest experts they've been on over 600 television and radio shows including Oprah, The O'Reilly Factor, 48 Hours, Canada AM, and The View. Visit their website at

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