The New Intimacy


Marrying a white American

Dear Judith & Jim,

I am a smart, beautiful, well educated 26 year old African woman living in Africa. I have subscribed to your ezine for sometime now and find it very informative and helpful. I look forward to receiving them each time.

Since I was a teenager, I made up my mind that whatever time it is I will settle down (get married), it would be with a white guy. Please don't ask why. I find African men less romantic, and don't know how to treat a lady right. I narrowed the scope down as I grew older to white Americans. Now living in Africa does not make it very easy to meet the person I want. I have dated a white American man seriously but he was not looking for commitment.

Now, is it wrong to have such an ambition considering where I live and the circumstances around me? I have tried going to places that I am most likely to meet Mr. right like parties organized by the state department here, or other activities they are most likely to visit but have had no luck.There isn't much racism here and people from all backgrounds mix easily. There are also so many intermarriages between races. Do I have to come all the way to America to meet the man of my dreams?

Tell me all the possible ways I can meet a white man who will be interested in being friends. I am looking for age bracket 35 - 40 years with no present attachments. Can you help me get one? Or better, can you advise me what I should do? Please do not tell me to look within my African brothers. I have dated them, and each time with no success. That is the reason I made up my mind that I will only date white guys. Please help!

Miss searching for a white guy.

Dear Miss,

We urge you ro examine your need to narrow your prospects to a degree that, indeed, you'll more than likely have to come to the states to find a man who'll fit your specifics. Rather than aiming for a man of good values, high intellect, and fun to be with, for example -- of whatever culture/race/creed etc -- you're only looking for a skin color and nationality.

Why is that? And you need to answer that question in depth before you will be available to be with ANY man. We suggest you stay open beyond your narrow parameters, date a lot to see what you need to learn about being more available to relating and attraction that is in your way of having the good marriage you want. You may be expecting way too much from a man -- any man -- and you've set yourself up for disappointment. Does that strike a bell? So -- either come to the US and see if that works or you can recognize that the limits are within you -- and then go from there.

© 2005, The New Intimacy

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Intimacy is spelled "in to me you see". - Stan Dale

I have always made a distinction between my friends and my confidants. I enjoy the conversation of the former; from the latter I hide nothing. - Edith Piaf


Husband and wife psychology team, Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski, are the bestselling authors of "The New Intimacy" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a Year." Their latest book is Be Loved for Who You Really Are: How the differences between men and women can be turned into the source of the very best romance you'll ever know. They provide corporate trainings on breaking through resistance to success and relationship workshops about The Magic of Differences--romance based on respect and value for each other's unique ways. As guest experts they've been on over 600 television and radio shows including Oprah, The O'Reilly Factor, 48 Hours, Canada AM, and The View. Visit their website at

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