Susie & Otto Archive   Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the issue of Relationships. This section is an archive of Susie and Otto Collins's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. They are spiritual and life partners who are committed to helping others create outstanding relationships of all kinds. They regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and seminars on love, relationships and personal and spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA. They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit" which has helped people in over a dozen countries improve their relationships. It includes a video called Spiritual Partnerships plus two booklets Love and Relationship Success Secrets and 101 Relationship Quotes Worth a Million Dollars! You can also read more articles like these and subscribe to their weekly newsletter on love and relationships by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com Their new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go? has just been released and is now available www.stayorgo.com   Allowing the pain in our lives to help us create closer relationships All You Need is Love... A Look at Your Past Year Are your relationships getting better or worse? Are your relationships skinny or fat? Be Here Now Being Clear In Your Communication Blame: Letting Go of the need to be "Right" Cold Mountain's Lessons of Love The Common Relationship Game of 'Gotcha' Compatibility---Is that all there is? Creating an atmosphere of love Embracing The Change Around Us Everything isn't always as it seems 5 Steps To A Great Relationship A Good Way To Change What Doesn't Work How Good Can You Stand It? How To keep From "Losing Yourself" at the Holidays How to keep passion alive in your relationships How to Use Completions to Move From the Past to a Promising Future I'll Open My Heart If You Open Yours Is It Really Possible to Attract Someone into your life that is your Perfect Partner? It's Time to Let Go of Old Roles.... Kindness and Love Matters Letting go of your stuck position Oh, The Stories We Tell Ourselves! One Way To Honor Your Relationship and Each Other One Way To Honor Your Relationship and Build Trust, Part 2 One Way to Keep Your Relationships from Going Sour The Power Of Giving Your Relationships a Spring Spruce Up Raising The Bar on Love The real issue when you want someone else to change Recognizing Opportunities For More Love The small things can sometimes make all the difference Is Thanksgiving Everyday in Your Relationships? The Relationship Dance of Smothering and Backing Away Tips For Getting What You Want In A Relationship What are you Noticing? What Can You Learn About Building Better Relationships From a 950 Pound Pumpkin? What Games do you Play? What's Most Challenging In Your Relationships? What You Can Learn About Love At A Concert What You Can Learn About Love From Nancy and Ronnie What You Can Learn From Margie About Relationships What Relationship Movies are You Running in your Head? Which is it: Love of Something Else? Which of These Things Do You Do In Your Relationships? A Look at Your Past Year What can you learn about creating better relationships from what happened to you last year? Much more than you think. As we told you in last week's newsletter article, we've been taking time to do our personal and business planning for 2005 using a great book by Jinny Ditzler called "Your Best Year Yet!" Because of this process, we've made some interesting observations about our personal and business lives that are going to help us create an even better relationship and a stronger, more thriving business in the coming year. These insights are both simple and profound and we hope that you are able to use them in your life to create more of what you want as well. So what have we been learning (and re-learning)? Even though we are relationship coaches, authors and have done a tremendous amount of work on ourselves, we, like a lot of people, sometimes have to be reminded of what we already know. During the planning process, Otto was amazed at how much he had "forgotten" about all the "good" things that had happened during the past year. As often happens, he had been much more focused at times on what he wanted in the future, what he wanted to change about his life, and what he could do better instead of what had gone "right." Otto discovered during this process that when he appreciates himself, his contributions and what is already going "right," then he is actually paving the way in his mind for getting what he wants. This is what happens in your relationships as well. By celebrating what is going right in your relationships, instead of dwelling of what's wrong or needs "fixed," it actually helps you to create more of what you want because you are in a positive frame of mind and open to new possibilities. We suggest you create a celebration of what has gone "right" in your relationships this past year and see what happens in your life! For Susie, one of the most valuable aspects of this planning process was identifying the different roles she plays in her life and setting intentions for how she wants to live in each of those roles. She asked herself how she wants to be as a mother/step-mother, a spiritual partner, a business partner, a family member, and a friend--to name a few of her roles. So often, if we do any goal-setting or planning, it's in the context of what we want to accomplish in our business lives or how to be more successful. If we do planning for our personal lives, it's often tangible things we want to accomplish, like moving to a different house, paying off credit cards or losing weight. If you look at the different roles that you play in your life and set intentions for how you want to live in those roles during this year, you will probably be looking at parts of your life that you rarely look at. Do you want to spend more time with your partner? Do you want to have more patience with your child or be more loving toward your parent? If you want to create better relationships in 2005, try being clear on how you want to be in those relationships. So whether you are going through the planning process like the one we've been using or some other goal setting process, we suggest that you take some time to reflect on what went "right" in 2004 and how you would like to live in each of the roles in your life. What we've discovered is that successful relationships (whatever that means to you) don't just happen by accident. You have to decide what you want in your relationships and then and devise a plan for making it happen. Our relationship is much better than anything we could ever imagined just a few short years ago. Now we know we can go even higher. No matter how good your relationships are now in your life, you can make them better. We appreciate the opportunity to help in whatever way we can. Allowing the pain in our lives to help us create closer relationships We've been sick for the past two weeks with colds and flu symptoms and at times, we've been in pain and have not been at our best with each other. We haven't been as creative as we normally are in our work. Plus, some old, limiting mental beliefs have surfaced for each of us and have kept us from being as close and connected as we normally are. It's not only health issues that can cause old issues to resurface and come between two people. It can be any emotional or physical event that happens in our lives to rock our equilibrium. While our recent illnesses were in no way serious, we were reminded just how easy it is to slip into distance, disconnection and disharmony with the people around us. We were also reminded what a gift it is to have another opportunity to heal what is unhealed inside us. Painful situations can be very obvious like a serious illness, the death of a loved one or a divorce-- or they can be moments of frustration when our child is being difficult or not living up to his or her potential. The point is that when we are faced with events that shake our world, even in a minor way, we have two choices--we can either stuff our feelings down and maybe lash out at others, creating distance between us and the people in our lives, or we can choose to use this situation to heal and create closer relationships. It isn't always easy to do--but one of the keys to healing any situation in your life when there is pain is to find ways to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings--whatever they are--and to acknowledge that the pain is there. We've discovered that physical pain can and usually does mask emotional pain. When we can recognize what's underneath our physical pain, acknowledge it and maybe talk about it, both the emotional and physical pain begins to lessen. The idea is to shift your attention to be with your pain, to feel it and allow yourself to move through it, giving you another opportunity to heal perhaps something deeper than you realized. It may mean getting some support in the way of therapy to help you move through it or it might be taking some time to meditate, do some journaling, talk to a friend or take a walk by yourself in the woods. A woman we know lost her mother a few years ago and as you can imagine, it was a very difficult time for her. Recently, something happened in their family which triggered her to once again mourn the loss of her mother. She allowed herself to feel her grief--she cried and then she called her son and told him about what she was feeling. As she talked about her mom, she realized that she felt a closeness with her mother and also with her son. What this woman did was to acknowledge her painful feelings and then allow her grief to flow without hanging onto depression. She also opened to someone who loved her and who she loved and in the process, felt much better. When you find yourself in pain and old feelings and possibly limiting beliefs are coming to the surface in your life, here are some suggestions to help you to heal: 1. Commit to healing and to love. 2. Acknowledge your pain--don't try to stuff it down and pretend that it doesn't exist. 3. Look at things in your life the way they really are. Be careful of the "stories" you tell yourself about the situations that happen to you. Don't create "stories" about the situations that make them worse than they really are. 4. Feel what you are feeling in your body--locate where you are feeling the pain and breathe through it. 5. Talk to someone who cares about you. 6. Allow the feelings to move out of your body. Give yourself permission to heal. 7. Don't distance and shut yourself off from your loved ones. Allow them to love you and allow yourself to love them back. Even though it might be difficult, think of these situations as opportunities to move into a greater, more empowered you. It is possible to create closer, more connected relationships during these times and we urge you to have that as your intention. What are you Noticing? When it comes to creating great relationships, there's an important lesson about "noticing" even when it comes to seemingly ordinary happenings and events in our lives. Take for example, writing this newsletter... Sometimes when we sit down to write this newsletter, it goes really well and we're able to write an article that we think you'll find of value fairly quickly and easily. Other times, it doesn't go as easily and we seem stuck in our efforts to bring you a meaningful message on creating better relationships. That is what happened today. We just couldn't seem to get our ideas on paper. When this happens, we take a step back to "notice" what's going on within each of us and in our relationship that's making it difficult in that moment to write about something we're very passionate about, like relationships. Have you ever had a car that started making a small noise and you ignored it, thinking it was no big deal? Very often these "small" noises turn into something much more serious that require our attention in order for us to keep driving the car. So it is with our relationships. If we ignore feelings of separation, distance, lack of trust, jealousy (you name it), those feelings usually only get worse. We suggest that you start noticing when things are not quite "right" between you and another person--also within yourself. This noticing is about becoming a non judgmental observer of your situation and the feelings that are arising within you. When you are able to become the observer who doesn't assign blame but rather notices what's going on, you are opening yourself to making changes that will create better relationships. Here are some tips for "noticing" what's going on in your relationships and in yourself: 1. Make the commitment to becoming more aware of your emotions. It might be some form of meditation, breathing or simply stopping what you are doing and listening to what's inside you. 2. Become aware of whether you are moving closer together or further apart. Do you feel open and present with this person or are you shut down in any way? The two of us have a tendency to withdraw and "shut down" from one another when we are triggered in some way and it may not have anything to do with what's going on between us. When we feel that we have withdrawn or shut down emotionally, we recognize it, call attention to it and get to the bottom of why it happened. When we do, we are able to reconnect in a powerful way. 3. Be open to receiving an insight or "ah ha" from your "noticing." You will receive the information you need to make the changes you want if you are open to receiving it. 4. Notice when you are feeling good and congratulate yourself when you notice how far you've come toward having what you want. Be appreciative of yourself another person if that person has contributed to your good feelings. Notice and appreciate you when it's going "right." Whether it's in writing a newsletter article or anything else that we do in our lives, this "noticing" that we're talking about is one of the best ways we know to create closer, more connected and alive relationships. How To keep From "Losing Yourself" at the Holidays We read a great booka while back,"The Cultural Creatives," and in it, the authors, Drs. Paul Ray and Sherry Ruth Anderson, give one of the best descriptions of openness that we've heard--"Trusting yourself to listen to others and not lose your sense of direction." We think these are good words to live by, especially during this holiday season. One of the challenges for many people is to stay open to others and not lose themselves, especially during holiday get-togethers, with family, friends, co-workers and even intimate partners. Many get caught up in other people's dramas, losing sight of who they are and taking what family members, co-workers and friends say or do personally. They get caught up in playing old roles and in old arguments before they realize what happened. They step right back in where they left off, even though it may have been many weeks, months or years since they have been with those people. Recently, Otto took his parents out of town to a family celebration. He found himself talking and mostly listening to a family member who had very strong religious views which were not the same as Otto's. Otto found himself walking a fine line between being listening respectfully to this family member and expressing his own views in a way that could be heard. If you find yourself in one of those situations, we suggest that you listen to understand and stay open to the other person but in the words of Don Miguel Ruiz, author of "The 4 Agreements"--don't take it personally. Be the observer and stay in your center. How do you do that? Take a few moments to quiet yourself and check in with what you are feeling in the moment. (Even if you have to go to the bathroom to take these moments of quiet for yourself.) Breathe and get in touch with you. Find your inner sense of direction. We talk a lot about being conscious in your life and in your relationships. When you are listening to people, a good measuring stick to find out if you are staying open without losing yourself is to ask yourself how it feels inside when you "try on" what they are saying or even how you are acting when you are with them. Are you feeling joyful, excited or is there fear, anger, sadness? Are you acting out old roles that no longer serve you? Honor the feelings that come up and tell yourself that you can choose another way of being if you don't resonate with the way that's being shown to you or if you no longer choose to act a certain way. Is it important for you to express your viewpoint? If so, how can you express yourself so the other person can begin to understand you? We've heard it said many times that people are afraid of committing to an intimate relationship because they fear that they will "lose" themselves. We say that you can't "lose" yourself if you know who you are at your core and live from that place inside you. We think that your holidays, your relationships, and your life with be filled with much more peace and joy if you do. A Good Way To Change What Doesn't Work Because the holidays are here, we decided to give you a "pre-holiday" tip for enjoying the holidays with less stress and more love. We know it sounds simple but the tip is--If there are things about your holiday or family traditions that you don't enjoy or that add unnecessary stress to your life, ask for something different. Now, don't get us wrong--we think tradition is great and that certain activities and events can be very important in peoples' lives. Your family might have the tradition of serving Aunt Betty's special pecan pie and candied sweet potatoes each year at the holiday meal and everyone really enjoys these foods. Here's what we're talking about... For many years, Susie's family all gathered at her mother's for Christmas dinner and other family occasions. When it became apparent that her mother's Alzheimer's disease was preventing her from putting these meals together, Susie stepped into that role because she was the oldest. The problem was Susie began to feel resentful and stressed out when it appeared that no one was helping with these big meals. When she decided that she no longer had to "do it all herself" and could ask for help, she began getting it. Susie had to first realize what she was feeling, not ignore it, and then ask for something different in a way that her family could hear and understand what she was experiencing. Recently, we received a great story from a woman who had purchased one of our books and we wanted to pass it onto you because it illustrates our point beautifully. Here's what she said-- "This weekend we went to visit my mother-in-law. Thanks to reminding myself to use many of the same techniques and attitude approaches suggested in the book, I think we had the best visit ever. For example, just by "asking for what I wanted," we all ended up doing something besides just sitting around the old folks home. We definitely had much more fun. Even mom, who is 89 and in a wheelchair got out of her care home and went shopping for clothes, plus having dinner at her favorite restaurant. Both are things she hasn't mentioned wanting to do in ages." This woman asked for something different and magical things seemed to have happened because of it. Here are some tips for asking for what you want or something different: 1. Take a few moments, quiet yourself, and go inside yourself to find out what you are feeling. 2. Decide what you would like to have happen instead of what's currently happening or what probably will happen. 3. If it seems important, tell the other person or persons how you are feeling but if it's not important, simply make a positive suggestion about what you'd like to do or to have happen. You might find that others are happy that you have made your suggestion and are glad to go along with it. We've found that holiday get-togethers are very special times for families and groups of friends but they can be stressful and full of dread if you aren't actively participating in how your experience plays out. The real issue when you want someone else to change People write to us everyday--upset that their partner or mate isn't who they want them to be.... Suggesting that "if only he or she would only do this or that, or be like this or that" then everything would be just fine. They even say, "I've tried everything to get them to change--and nothing's worked." We agree that change is difficult and the bottom line is that you cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself.  A movie that has impacted us greatly is called "Pay it Forward." If you haven't seen it, we recommend that you rent it.   The major premise of the film is that 11 year old Trevor wanted to change three people's lives for the better and they would in turn change three other people's lives. What he found out was that he couldn't change people the way he wanted them to change. But, he did impact their lives in ways he didn't realize. Trevor tried to help Jerry, the vagrant drug addict, but Jerry just couldn't seem to kick the habit. Trevor thought he failed but his impact on Jerry was even greater than he thought. Because of Trevor's initial act of kindness, Jerry was able to ask for help from a person in the most unlikely of circumstances and take a step forward in healing himself.  Because of Trevor's example of unconditional love and kindness, his mother was able to extend forgiveness and unconditional love to Trevor's grandmother who was an alcoholic living on the streets. No, the grandmother didn't kick her habit but she was able to take a tiny step forward. What we are saying is, that no matter how we want someone else to be--they may change, but not necessarily the way we want them to. This is big reason we preach the value of "unconditional love."  Now, we believe that you have to decide what want out of life and if the people in your life are ones you want to be there. So, what do we suggest to the person who wants another to change ? We believe that people can change. But, in order for a person to make significant changes in their life, they have to want to change for their own reasons and not for you. Let go of the need to change them and examine your motivations for wanting to change them. If you are wanting another in your life to change, then your needs for the relationship are not being met. And that's the real issue-- it's that your needs are not being met.  So, we suggest that you concentrate on what you want out of life and don't focus on the faults of the other people in your life. Those perceived "faults" will only be magnified if you do. If you find that what you want out of life and what the other person wants out of life are so different then it may be that you can find happiness with someone else. It also may be that if the other person truly understands what your needs are that they can give you what you want. Relationships do require constant effort but they don't have to be a struggle. Relationship Quote of the Week  "All relationships are a transformative experience. We transform and let go of old Identities, like the snake shedding an old skin." Angeles Arrien The small things can sometimes make all the difference. We recently had dinner with some friends at one of those "buffet" type restaurants. One of the women accidentally bumped into her husband at the salad bar and began courteously apologizing before she realized it was her husband. Everyone at the table joked that they'd never heard her be so courteous to him. What she said next, completely astounded us. She turned to him and said " If I'd known it was only you,I wouldn't have been so apologetic." What we've observed is that many people treat strangers with more courtesy and consideration than they do their co-workers, friends,loved ones and partners. This may seem like an isolated event-- but it's really a metaphor for how many people treat those who are important in their lives. In Susie's previous relationship, she often found herself walking through the house, straightening things up while her ex-husband was trying to talk to her. She didn't give him her full attention and chose to do numerous other tasks instead of focusing on him. One of the things that we agreed upon early in our relationship was to give each other our full attention when we talk to each other. We are also very conscious of showing each other on a regular basis how important we are to each other. So, what this has done is to help create trust between us. It's a simple and wonderful way to honor another person who is important to us. Think about you kids, your co-workers or your partners... do you say "hello", "goodbye", "excuse me" and "I'm sorry" and give them your full attention when they are talking to you? When we do our "relationship coaching" sessions with people, one of the things that usually comes up is that one or both people don't feel appreciated, valued and honored by the other. Now, we're not saying that every relationship that's in trouble can be healed by only a kind word. But, we are saying that by consciously deciding to treat those people in your life with courtesy and love, you you are strengthening your relationships and helping them to become more vibrant and alive. Our suggestion is to decide consciously to be an "uplifter" of others--even your loved ones. In life, what you send out usually comes back to you. When you send out pure positive, loving energy--that's what you'll get back. Relationship Quote of the Week Love allowed to flow in a trickle brings happiness in dribs and drabs. Love allowed to flow in volumes brings a happiness and joy until now unimagined. Otto Collins Is Thanksgiving Everyday in Your Relationships? This Thursday in the United States, we'll be celebrating Thanksgiving, one day out of the year set aside to give thanks. We get together with our friends or families, have lots of food, and celebrate all the things we are grateful for. As we were thinking about Thanksgiving, we couldn't help but wonder what kind of impact it would have if everyone gave their appreciation and thanks everyday to the people in their lives. We try to practice appreciating each other everyday and that's one of the ingredients that helps us to create the loving, connected relationship that we have. Appreciation can come in all sorts of packages and here's a great example of that. Recently, Otto had a conversation with someone in which he wasn't owning and embracing some skills that he has. Later on, Susie pointed out to him that he did have those skills and he practices them on a daily basis. He told her how much he appreciated her for pointing this out. That simple acknowledgement that he appreciated her for being his friend and advocate and helping him to see what he couldn't see himself is a little act of kindness that keeps the connection strong. We believe that in every relationship that we have, it is our moment by moment actions that are either helping to create relationships that are close and connected and getting stronger or creating relationships that are distant and getting weaker. Sharing appreciation and giving thanks are things you can do on an ongoing basis to ensure that you continue to build your relationships and make them stronger instead of allowing them to atrophy. This morning we told each other what we appreciated about each other during the day and we invite you to do the same with your friends and loved ones. Even if you are appreciating someone and the other person does not reciprocate, genuine appreciation will feed your soul. If there's no one around to appreciate you, take time to appreciate yourself. Very often we put ourselves down and don't appreciate ourselves. Like our example with Otto, we find it easier to pick at our supposed "faults" than to acknowledge and appreciate our greatness. So whether you are appreciating another or appreciating yourself, we suggest that you be as specific as possible when you are sharing appreciation and giving thanks. You may want to use the following phrases--"I appreciated you when you ______________" and "I appreciate you for _______________". Start using these phrases and come up with your own as you begin making each day a day of "Thanksgiving." Being Clear In Your Communication Recently, Susie and her 6 year old grandson were traveling in her car listening to a tape of the comic adventuresof Amelia Bedelia by Peggy Parish. Amelia Bedelia is a housekeeper who takes her instructions quite literally. Reading the list of chores that her employer has left her, Amelia begins with "Dust the furniture." How odd, Amelia thinks to herself. "At my house we undust the furniture." Nonetheless, she dutifully locates the "Dusting Powder" in the bathroom, and proceeds to sprinkle it all over the living-room furniture and floor. Next she is asked to "Draw the drapes when the sun comes in." So of course, Amelia sits down with a sketchpad and gives it her best shot. Her employers were quite upset at the end of the day except for the wonderful lemon meringue pie she baked for them. In the end, they learned to "speak the same language" so that the work would be done according to the wishes of her employers. We think this is a great example of how we often communicate in our relationships. We speak and hear from our frame of reference, assuming that the other person is "following along" and is on the same page as you are. When the reality is, much of the time, they aren't following along at all. When we first got together, we had an experience that illustrates this point beautifully. Susie asked Otto to shuck the fresh corn for dinner and then asked Otto to throw the corn husks in the yard. Just like Amelia Bedelia,he took what she said literally and threw them in the yard. When Susie saw that he hadn't thrown them in the compost pile at the end of the yard but had thrown them in the middle of the back yard, she laughed. She laughed because she realized instantly that she wasn't clear in her communication and that he had done exactly what she had said to do! We realized later that this incident was one of the ways that we built safety and trust in our relationship. In Otto's previous relationships, his partner may have accused him of "not listening." When in reality it was just one person not being clear in their communication and the other not asking questions. Because we used laughter instead of accusations we learned a valuable lesson about being clear in our communication with each other. As a result, we were able to feel more connected because we approached the situation with love instead of judgement. There's a line from one of our favorite songs that's worth mentioning here. The line is from Bruce Springsteen's song "If I should fall behind" and the line says..."Let's make our steps clear so the other may see." This line "let's make our steps clear, so the other may see" is a wonderful suggestion we can all apply to improve not only our relationships, but our communication as well. So, if you're a person who often complains that someone in your life doesn't "listen" to you-- take some time and think about whether you are communicating clearly or not. Remember, what you think is clear may not be to the other person. If you're a person who often hears "you don't listen to me!" be sure and take an active role in the communication process by asking for clarification if you're not clear about something. Be gentle with one another and laugh whenever possible-- after all your friend,co-worker or loved one is not the enemy. Relationship Quote of the Week "We can learn to stop struggling by realizing we're naturally buoyant. If we relax and persevere, we cannot drown . " Paul Williams Compatibility---Is that all there is? Last week we (and probably millions of other people) got an email from a company that promised to help us or anyone else find a "compatible" partner. Since we're inundated with unsolicited, s*p*a*m email messages daily, we usually delete and ignore them. The message from this dating service caused us to think... Here is what the message said... "Our TRUE Compatibility Test is the only truly scientific online compatibility test and the only one endorsed by Psychology Today. We measure 99 relationship factors to help you finally meet your most compatible partner, someone who you totally fit with." While we're certainly not against compatibility, we think there's much, much more that goes into creating a relationship that is passionate, alive, vibrant and growing than just compatibility. Webster describes the word "compatible" as "able to exist or act together harmoniously." To many people, "acting together harmoniously" is something that they don't have in their current relationships and they would love to be with a "compatible" partner. Sometimes there's the belief that compatibility means never having "issues" that come up between the two of you--there's "smooth sailing" and neither one of you is ever triggered by the other. We don't think this idea of compatibility is what "alive" relationships are all about. We think there's much more that's possible for all of us. We believe that one of the reasons we are all in relationships is to help each other expand, learn, and grow. If you are helping each other expand, you are continually evolving and changing which may mean that the two of you aren't "compatible" at times. We've found that a common denominator in truly alive relationships is a commitment to growth, change, authenticity and keeping the relationship alive. How many "compatible" relationships have you seen end because the life had gone out of them and both people had stopped growing together? They had stopped doing the things that would keep their relationship alive. If you're like us, you've seen plenty of couples in this situation. Here are some tips that can help you create relationships that are more than "compatible", whether you are currently in an intimate relationship or looking for a new partner... (If you are looking for a new partner, practice these ideas in other types of relationships.) 1. Make the commitment to growth and allow change. Take the time and have the intention to constantly bring new energy into the relationship. It might mean listening to each other when you are not being "compatible" or trying something "out of your box." It might even mean opening to a new level of intimacy. 2. Make a commitment to authenticity. Nothing can kill a relationship quicker than if there are things left unsaid that are building walls between the two of you. Sometimes being authentic is very difficult but we've found it's one of the main ingredients to having a relationship that's alive and growing. 3. Talk together about what you want for your relationship and your life. Take the time to focus on each other, your relationship and your life. We often get too busy constantly "doing" in our lives and forget what's really important. 4. Open your heart and never take your relationship or each other for granted. Recently, we talked with a friend of ours who's a cancer survivor. When we asked her and her husband what they most learned from this experience, both of them immediately told us that they learned not to take each other, their relationship and their lives for granted. We think these are wonderful words to leave you with this week and hope that you will look beyond relationships that are merely "compatible" and choose to create ones that are vibrant, alive and growing. Be Here Now It often been said about the weather here in Southern Ohio where we live-- "If you don't like the weather, just wait 24 hours and it will change." Today was absolutely gorgeous. It was one of those perfect and totally beautiful 70 degree autumn days and Susie took some time off to go rollerblading. Since she's not an expert at it, every time her attention would wander from looking at where she was going, her skates would wobble. She never fell but because she want to stay on her feet, she was constantly being reminded to keep her mind on skating and not on anything else. This is a great reminder for your relationships as well. One of the most important things you can do to help your relationships is to be entirely "present" with each other and to give your full attention when you are with someone. Several years ago, when Otto was a salesperson for one of the region's major employers, he was taking some sales training and one of the first steps in the training process was what the trainer called--"Be here now." In sales, the idea of "Be here now" is about being fully prepared to greet customers, knowing the correct pricing of all items, leaving all your problems at the door, and being prepared to focus totally on your customer or client. Not only did the sales trainer show how this applied in sales, but he told us about a personal situation in his life that also gave an excellent illustration of what it means to "Be here now" in our relationships and the importance of doing this. The sales trainer said that he was having one of those days where a million different things were going on. There were problems to solve and a dozen different pieces of paper strewn all over his desk when his wife called to tell him about a problem she was having with one of their young children. He found himself just saying things like "uh-huh" and "sure" and "wow" and wasn't really listening to the problem she was describing to him. Midway through her explanation of this situation, she suddenly stopped and said to him, "I'm really getting angry with you because you're not listening to me at all." Needless to say, this got his attention. He had not really been present with her. He was not really listening to her and was focused on other things. As you can see by this story, there are really two important aspects to the idea or concept he called "Be here now." One requires that you, the listener, clear your mind of chatter, worry or planning what you're going to say next and focus totally on that person and what they are saying. We believe that giving someone your full attention is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. Whether it's the clerk at the local convenience store, your mother, your mate, or your child--give them your full attention. If you don't have time at that moment,tell them that you will give them your full attention when you finish what you are doing and then keep your word. The other aspect is that if you are the one speaking and you notice the other person "nodding off" and not following what you are saying, it's a good idea to do what this sales trainer's wife did and "call" them on their lack of attention--possibly by asking for their attention. Something like--"I have something I'd like to talk with you and I'd like your full attention. Is this a good time to do that?" We've learned that many problems in relationships result from this very issue of not being present for another person. By not being present for that person, you are not honoring and respecting them. And by not speaking up when another person is not totally with you, you risk building up resentment and mistrust. We've discovered that the concept of "Be here now" is really important if you want relationships that are vibrant, alive and growing. Being present to us means focusing on what's happening in the present moment with yourself and between you and your partner and not allowing your mind to wander to the past or the future. What takes us out of the present moment? When we are too absorbed in the daily nitty, gritty details of life or just get too busy and too much in a hurry, we're pulled out of the present moment. One way you can tell if you're not in the present moment is if you've got a lot of mental chatter going on in your mind. Mental chatter can come in many forms, like judging others and yourself, living in the past or making assumptions about the future. Whatever form it takes, your mental chatter blocks you from hearing and understanding others and allows very little chance for true connection with yourself and with other people. So this week, we suggest that you give the people you are with your full attention when they are talking to you. If the person you are with doesn't give you their full attention, ask for it. If you do, we know that there will be a deeper connection between the two of you. What Can You Learn About Building Better Relationships From a 950 Pound Pumpkin? It's billed as "The Greatest F-R-E-E Show on Earth" and whether this is really true or not can be up for debate. But, one thing is for sure-- there's a lot that can be learned about relationships from this event that happens every year at this time in a small town not far from where we live in Ohio. Of course we're talking about the "Circleville (Ohio) Pumpkin Show" What happens is that every year during the third weekend in October, over 200,000 people attend this 4-day festival in a town with normally 14,385 residents. Schools and some businesses are shut down for the week and the town is transformed into a big street fair and celebration of the pumpkin. There's the usual carnival food, along with a full line of pumpkin delicacies like pumpkin donuts, pumpkin burgers, pumpkin pizza and pumpkin ice cream. Some people come to see the world's largest pumpkin pie (It's is 6 feet in diameter and weighs 400 lbs) and some people come to see the large pumpkins. Last year's 1st place pumpkin weighed in at 950 lbs. We couldn't help but think what it would be like if we treated our relationships like the people of Circleville Ohio treat their "Pumpkin show." Most of the downtown streets are closed and the people of the town are inconvenienced. Funny thing is--the people not only accept this "inconvenience" but seem to embrace it as something that is "for the good of the town and the Show." In other words, there's no blaming and finger-pointing about their inconvenience. They are just acting in kindness and love when many people might be upset because of how difficult it is to get around with this many people in a small town. What if we treated each other every day--even when we may be inconvenienced or not feeling at our best--with this same feeling of love and caring? As we said before, during this week every year, the Pumpkin Show is the focus of the community and everyone joins in. What if we treated our relationships, especially those with our loved ones, with the same kind of focus and attention? During the Pumpkin Show, there are parades at least twice a day and the streets are full of people celebrating and having fun. What we've seen this week makes us think about questions like these... How could we celebrate those relationships that are special to us more often? How can we shower the people we love with more love? How can we open our hearts more of the time? How can we act with kindness more often? These are great questions to think about. Ones that can make a difference in our relationships and lives. So, if you're in the area, we invite you to visit the "Greatest F-R-E-E Show on Earth" and enjoy the pumpkin delicacy of your choice. If you are or aren't able to attend, we invite you to bring a renewed feeling of focus, attention and celebration to all of your relationships and just see what happens. What we know for sure is that the more we focus on, give attention to and celebrate the relationship between the two of us, the better it gets. We're willing to bet it will work for you as well. What's Most Challenging In Your Relationships? One of the things that a majority of people find the most challenging about creating better relationships is being able to act from and be in a place of love even when they are triggered and when it's difficult and uncomfortable to do so. Here's what we mean... Yesterday, we visited friends who live about 1 1/2 hours from our home. Because it was late when we left, Susie was tired and she wanted to get home as soon as possible because she had to teach a class this morning. Otto was driving and stopped for gas at convenient mart on the way. When Otto went inside the mart to buy some water and pay for the gas, he also decided to search for something to buy to eat. From the car, Susie could see him leisurely walking down each food aisle and she began getting more agitated by the moment. She got out of the car, walked to the mart, opened the door and in a very agitated tone of voice said "Could we go?" What Otto did next was very different from the way he might have reacted in similar situations several years ago. What most likely would have happened in a situation like this several years ago was that he would react from a place of fear, anger and rebellion instead of love, compassion and understanding. Years ago, he might have thought the other person had no right to tell him what to do. He might have reacted negatively, harshly or with anger if he even suspected that another person was trying to tell him what to do or "restrict his freedom." We all have our triggers and predictable patterns when we're upset or angry. Those just happened to be Otto's. Years ago, Otto might have ended up lashing out at the other person or becoming silent, distant and cold. What he did last night instead was what we are calling an "instant relationship breakthrough." He initially felt himself react negatively to what Susie was saying to him but then shifted his thinking to his love for her and having compassion for her needs. He quickly made a conscious choice to come from love and not fear, anger or the desire to be right. As a result of his decision, we stayed connected and there was no distance between the two of us. Coming from a place of love can be very challenging when there is a perception that the other person is being critical. It's important to understand that while we are encouraging you to come from a place of love, compassion and understanding as much of the time as possible-- we are not suggesting that if you are being emotionally or physically abused that you just "take it" and not do anything to help yourself. Setting boundaries and expressing how you are wanting to be treated is important in all relationships. The lesson in all of this is to approach every situation with as much love, kindness and compassion as possible because you have no idea what the other person is going through in the moment. In order to create great relationships, it's important to act from a place of love as much of the time as possible no matter what else is going on. If you think that doing this might be difficult, start by taking baby steps, noticing when you have a better awareness or more positive reaction to things that would normally trigger or upset you. When you find yourself triggered, stop and take a moment to ask yourself "Will this reaction move me closer to or further from the love and connection that I really want with this person?" This simple question may be difficult to do in the heat of the moment but if you practice it, it will become second-nature to you. The more you are able to do this, you'll find that your relationships will be closer, more loving and more connected and your life will be much more rewarding in every way. 5 Steps To A Great Relationship Someone wrote us a shocking e-mail recently. It was very brief and we couldn't help but wonder whether other people truly feel this way. In the body of their note, they said-- "In my humble opinion, the only thing necessary for a relationship to work is great sex and that is all." After we got over our initial shock-- we couldn't help but think that this is a person who has much to learn about relationships. Let's be really clear, we enjoy making love and having sex as much as anyone. What we've discovered about relationships from our own lives and from working with thousands of people from all over the world in our relationship coaching practice, is that "great sex" alone does not make a great relationship. There's much more to it than that. If we could sum up how to have a great relationship in 5 steps, here's what they would be: 1. Decide what's most important to you in your relationships and spend your time, focus and energy on creating that. Many people go through life on auto-pilot, never taking the time to decide what is important to them and then living their lives according to those things. In order to have great relationships, you have to first decide what that means to you and then commit to having them. This doesn't mean that if you're in a relationship with someone already that you have to leave them to have it. Quite the contrary! One of the biggest surprises that many people who buy our book "Should you Stay or Should you Go?" tell us about is that by reading and going through the questions and exercises in the book, they find out (sometimes for the 1st time) what's important to them and what they haven't been doing to support those things in themselves and their relationships. We urge you to take the time to discover what is important to you in your relationships and then commit to moving toward having it. 2. Keep an open heart and open mind All of us bring our past experiences with us as we come together with people in relationships. Many times, we build walls between us and others because of past experiences that have been painful. We are not saying to ignore the lessons from the past but rather to acknowledge what you've learned and open your heart and mind with compassion for others. Before we judge or label others, be open to listening to understand where the other person is coming from. You may not agree with that person but if you truly listen to understand and acknowledge that understanding, you will feel a connection on some level. Opening your heart to other people requires us to risk. But if you don't risk, you may never have what you want. 3. Make your steps clear. Learn to know what is truly inside you--how you are feeling and thinking-- and then let others know who you are, your hopes and your dreams. Don't make the mistake of thinking that your partner, your friends and family are psychics that have a special crystal ball that lets them know what's going on inside you. If you don't share where you are in your life, you can never expect to get what you want and to have the relationships that you want. Make conscious agreements with the people in your life. A conscious agreement is between two or more people about what they expect from each another in a given situation. Ideally, you would create these conscious agreements in advance before the situations became real problems. Of course, following through on these agreements is an important element to their success. Conscious agreements can ward off problems and can be created for any relationship in any area of your life. They require you to take an inventory of what you want and then be honest with each other. 4. Commit to working through all challenges without running away. Many of us have not learned the art of "staying with" a challenge until it's resolved. We run away physically by leaving the room or we shut ourselves off emotionally by agreeing when we really don't mean it or by turning on the television, computer or television and retreating. In order for the relationship to grow stronger, both people must learn how to stay present and not get defensive even though there are challenges to work through. Here are some things that we do that help us not "run away" when things get tough: Find out what "running" away means to each of you Make an agreement before you have disagreements that you will not run away If you are too angry or emotional to talk and listen, take some time to breathe and feel what's underneath that anger and emotion. That may mean time by yourself to clarify what you are feeling. If you do need time by yourself, commit to coming back together at a certain time Give yourselves some private time and space to listen and speak to each another. Turn of the television, look at each other and stay present. Remember that you love each other. 5. Keep passion alive between the two of you What we're talking about here is not just sexual intimacy between two people but rather the aliveness and connection that comes from constantly growing together and appreciating each other. So many couples we see are polite with each other but the passion has died many years ago. There is no excitement in the relationship and both people feel like something is missing. No matter how many years two people have been together, we know that this doesn't have to be the case. Here are some ways to keep passion alive: Treat each other with respect. Think more about the words you use, especially when you are tired, irritated, need sleep, or stressed out See how gossip hurts people, including yourself and your partner, and work to eliminate it from your life Try to replace words that hurt with words that encourage, uplift and give praise In your thoughts, dwell on what your partner is doing right instead of what he/she is doing wrong We realize that there are many more ideas we could talk about that go into creating great relationships but these may give you food for thought. Whether you are not currently in an intimate relationship, in the beginning of one or making a conscious choice to try to improve an existing relationship--we believe that these are some practical things you can do to create sensational relationships in your life. You can use these tips to improve any relationship and we invite you to put some of these ideas into practice. What Games do you Play? We recently talked to a friend who complained that the women he meets "play games" and even went so far as to say that ALL women "play games" with the people they are in relationships with. As we thought about his comments, we are certain that playing games is not something that only women do but pertains equally to both genders. This "game playing" also isn't limited to just the people that we date or are in intimate relationships with. Game playing goes on at work, in social groups, organizations and in our families. There are a lot of different behaviors that could be considered "gam playing" in relationships. Some examples of might be-- trying to intentionally make somebody jealous by being with another person; telling someone you are busy when you really aren't; misrepresenting who you really are and what you're thinking; agreeing to go somewhere or do something that you really don't want to do; and telling your boss at work you're sick when you just don't want to be there. If you "play games" in your relationships and in your life-- fear is at the bottom of your game playing. Many people fear that if they are completely honest and open with the people in their lives, they won't get the love that they want and their needs won't be met. The trouble with "game-playing" is that when you play games to avoid what you fear may happen--then what you fear usually happens by default. When you play games in your relationships--you are creating distance, disconnection and mistrust. If you are trying to get more attention from your loved one by trying to make him or her jealous or any other ways of conscious or unconscious manipulation to get what you want, it will backfire and only push you further apart. We both played games in our previous intimate relationships. Before we got together, we had decided that what we wanted in an intimate relationship was to reveal our full selves, to be open, honest, share all of our feelings and to live consciously. From the very beginning of our relationship, we made a conscious agreement to eliminate game playing and to be open and honest with each other no matter how painful it might be to do so. We've attempted to carry this commitment to every part of our lives. If you want to create more connected, vital and alive relationships, we invite you take a hard look at the areas in your life where you play games. Step one is to eliminate the game playing and step two is to begin living your life in a manner consistent with who you really are and who you want to be. How to Use Completions to Move From the Past to a Promising Future It was almost 25 years ago that Marsha suddenly decided to end her relationship with her lover. It wasn't until a recent coaching session with us that she realized that she had been carrying the guilt and pain of that broken relationship into every corner of her life. Why? Because Marsha didn't have closure with her boyfriend, she has guarded her heart, sabotaging every relationship since then. What we have discovered from our own experiences and from working with our coaching clients-in order to begin creating the life and relationships that you want, it's often important to make completions. One of the challenges that most of us face is learning from the past, appreciating it, leaving it in the past and focusing on the present moment. Making completions in a loving way is one way to move into the present and start moving toward what you want. Does your life seem stuck? Are there important words that you haven't spoken to someone? Are you still holding on to past relationships that have ended-whether you consider them to be "failures" or not? Are you wondering why you're not meeting a person who could be your "perfect partner?" If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, there may be some completions that you need to make and here are some suggestions: 1. Have a long-neglected conversation with the person, either in person or with a likeness. Our coaching client Marsha contacted her old boyfriend and apologized to him. After she did, she felt a peace that she had not felt for many years. If you cannot or choose not to actually talk with that person, you can make a likeness of the person with something like canned biscuit dough and then have the conversation that you need to have with that likeness. In this conversation, make sure that you thank the person for what you have learned by being in that relationship. If possible, do this "ritual" by a lake or river and let the likeness go in moving water, along with those old feelings. 2. If you need to forgive yourself or the other person, take steps toward doing so. Remember that forgiveness is always a step toward your physical and emotional health and does not mean that you condone what you or the other person did in the past. When you begin to realize what you learned from that situation, you can begin to appreciate it and to forgive. 3. Do a physical act to get rid of constant reminders of a past relationship that keep you tied to the past. A year after Sam left his marriage, he burned his collection of Jackson Browne CD's which was the music that he listened to during his painful, last years of marriage. During the burning, he let his old feelings go into the fire. In addition to the burning, he stopped listening to that music that was only reinforcing the pain that he had felt during his marriage. After several years, he was able to listen to Jackson Browne's music again without those emotional ties that had been so painful for him. 4. Do a ceremony, giving thanks for what you learned in a previous relationship and the blessings that it brought to you. Years ago, after the two of us decided that we wanted to be together, we chose to do a ceremony at a beautiful spot at the ocean on Bald Head Cliffs in Maine. We thanked our previous spouses, sent them love, threw our wedding rings in the ocean and made a commitment to each other. This "Ring Toss" ceremony opened us to developing the beautiful relationship that we have built with each other. Completions, if done in a spirit of love, can create the space for you to move from the past and begin attracting what you want for your life. If you are willing to appreciate the past and let it go, wonderful things just may be in store for you in this present moment. Tips For Getting What You Want In A Relationship Sally and Robert have been dating for two and a half years and although they've had many good times together, they've fallen into a familiar relationship trap without even knowing it. Here's the problem: Robert wouldn't always follow through when he said he would call or arrange to get together with Sally. He didn't always do what he said he would do. In the past, Sally would get very upset with him and tell him what he was doing wrong. When she would do this, he would become defensive and say "Well I just won't say anything anymore" and clam up. Because they have a great connection at times, Sally didn't want to give up on the relationship but she also didn't feel respected when Robert behaved irresponsibly. She was so frustrated with this situation that she was ready to call it quits with him. Before ending the relationship, she decided to try a different approach in telling him how she was feeling and she hoped that it would make a difference. Here's what she did... Before she talked with him, she centered herself, got herself into a calm place and rehearsed how she wanted to tell him about how his behavior made her feel. When she talked with him, instead of "beating him up" for not coming through once again, she asked for what she wanted in a positive way. She said, "I would like for you to do what you say you're going to do" and then gave him some examples. She also told him that she may choose to leave the relationship if he didn't make some changes. This time he listened, thought about her request and agreed to make the changes that she asked. Although she doesn't know if he truly can and will make the changes she wanted, she felt empowered and knows that even if he can't follow through and she chooses to leave the relationship, she was able to say what was true for her in a way that he could hear and understand in that moment. What many people often do in relationships is focus on the negative behavior of others instead of focusing on the result or the outcome that they want. What we've found is that if you continue to stay focused on what you don't want in your relationships and your life, that's what you'll get more of-- what you don't want. What Sally did was great. She made the shift from telling Robert what she didn't want to what she did want. So, how can you use this idea to make some improvements in the quality of your relationships? Here are a few simple shifts you can make using this idea that we think can make big differences in the quality of your relationships... 1) Take some time to be very clear about what you are feeling and what you want. Get into a clear, calm space and listen to what's inside you. 2) After you know what you want, choose a time to talk with the other person when they are most likely to be able to hear you without distractions. 3) You might start the conversation something like this-- "Remember when we were first together and we always made time just for us? That's what I'd like for us to do again." 4) Ask very plainly for what you want. If you don't ask for what you want, chances are you'll never get it! To continue the example above--"I would like for us to have a 'date' for just the two of us once a week, even if it's taking a walk together." Focusing on what you want instead of what you don't want is an abundance principle that's been taught for thousands of years. We invite you to put it into practice in your relationships this week. What You Can Learn About Love At A Concert What we are about to tell you is an amazingly simple idea that (if used) can dramatically improve the quality of all your relationships almost immediately. Although it's a very simple idea, not doing this one thing will almost assure you of having mediocre or even poor relationships. So, what's the idea? The best way to share this with you is to offer three lines from a song that Kathy Mattea sang at a recent concert we attended of hers. The lines she sang that night were ones she said that her father had once said to her. We think that these lines contain a lot of wisdom in three short sentences. The lines were ... "You've got to sing like you don't need the money You've got to love like you'll never get hurt and You've got to dance like nobody's watchin' " Since this newsletter is about relationships, we want to focus on the power of the second line--"You've got to love like you'll never get hurt." If we don't love like we'll never get hurt, then we're spending our time focusing on the very thing we don't want--and that's getting hurt. If we're not loving the other people in our lives like we'll never get hurt, then we're coming to those relationships with our hearts closed while at the same time wondering why those relationships aren't as close and connected as we would like them to be. An open heart is one of the master keys to a great relationship. What we've discovered is that the quality and depth of your relationships are directly related to how open your heart is. Some of you may have had some past relationships that have caused you a lot of pain and you find that you have been guarding your heart in your current relationships. Some of you may be in relationships right now that bring you a lot of pain and you find that you are putting up walls between you and that other person so you won't be hurt again. Trying to have more love come into your life when your heart is closed is a little like trying to talk with someone on the telephone when that person isn't available. Opening your heart doesn't mean being a door mat and allowing yourself to be hurt over and over. It does mean loving yourself and setting limits while being open to new possibilities, whether with that person or with someone else. What if every time you got in your car, you thought you were going to have an accident? You probably wouldn't drive very often. So it is with relationships. If you have the mind set that you are going to get hurt, you probably will. You'll probably keep attracting those kinds of relationships into your life that will be painful in one way or another. We've learned that each of us is responsible for our own happiness and for creating our lives the way we want them to be. So we suggest that you begin to open your heart more and at every opportunity, "love like you'll never get hurt." The more you are able to do this, the more love, happiness and joy you're going to invite into your life. Raising The Bar on Love Last weekend, we saw the movie "The Notebook" and it was a remarkable love story. There wasn't a dry eye in the theater! What was interesting was the comment Otto overheard one woman make to another as they were coming out of the theater after seeing the movie. She said to her friend, "After seeing this movie, it's caused me to raise my standards." We thought this was a very interesting comment because it's been our experience, whether you're single and still looking for a perfect love or you've been married 6 months or 30 years, something we all can do is to continually raise our standards. What does it mean to raise our standards and why is it important? Raising your standards in love and relationships can mean different things to different people. To the person looking for a partner or a mate, raising your standards will mean determining exactly what you want in a partner and not settling for anything less. To the person who is in a relationship that isn't as good as you want it to be--raising your standards will cause you to continually look for new ideas and strategies that will make your relationship stronger, better and more alive and vibrant. To the person who's already in a good relationship--you can always find small ways to make your relationship better if that's your intention. To the person who is dating around--raising your standards may mean not being with people you don't want to be with. The point is that no matter what kind of relationship you have, you can always raise your standards and go for something higher and better. Our own relationship is a good example of what we're talking about... Even though we feel we have an outstanding relationship, we are always looking for ways to take it to the next level. In the last few days we've been doing just that. We have been "raising our standards" in our relationship by finding more empowering ways to communicate with each other on an old issue that comes up every now and then. We've made some discoveries about how to deal with this issue that are going to help us deal with this issue more effectively and be more understanding and compassionate with each other about it. These new ways of dealing with this issue will ultimately make our relationship better in all ways. To us, this is very exciting. Even though we consider ourselves to have a great relationship, we feel that there is always something positive that we can do to create even more love in our lives. Raising our standards continually is one of those things. Here are a few suggestions for "raising your standards"-- 1. Decide you are worth it. 2. Adopt the mind set and belief that you can have what you want. 3. Look for examples of possibility. 4. Ask for what you want. Raising your standards can be a joyous process if you have that as your intention. Raising your standards is also something that must happen in order for you to have more of what you want in any area of your life (especially your relationships). Don't settle for less than you deserve. Know that a beautiful relationship is available to you. Just determine what you want and then start creating it. That's what we've done and you can do it too. Everything isn't always as it seems Because we live near the area where a sniper killed a woman and shot at 23 other vehicles on major highways near Columbus, Ohio, we have been paying attention to the news about this for the past several months. Since we're relationship coaches, we found it fascinating about what Amy Walton said on the national news earlier this week concerning her brother who was arrested in Las Vegas as the accused Ohio highway sniper. She said that he was the kindest, most gentle soul she'd ever known and that she would stand behind him no matter what. She also said he was a very passive individual who would never hurt anyone. In this case, her relationship and experience with her brother are totally different from what most other people experienced him to be, especially the 24 people he supposedly shot at on Ohio highways. It's amazing but true that no two people have the same relationship or experience with anyone. Recently, we attended the funeral of the husband of a friend of ours. Although we have known this woman for many years, we had never met her husband. We only knew about him from what she and other people had told us. Just like in the example of the accused sniper and his sister, our perception of our friend's husband wasradically different from the person who gave his eulogy at the funeral. We really wondered whether the speaker was talking about the same man that we had heard so much about because his eulogy spoke of our friend's husband being a kind soul who had wonderful relationships. This is definitely not the same perception we had of him! These two stories made us think about how we often judge and form perceptions of people without really knowing them and how others do the same. These stories also remind us that each person is a complex, multi-faceted individual and that just because one person has a negative experience with someone doesn't mean that you can't have a different experience. The question is... Are you really open to the possibilities in the relationships with the people you come in contact with every day or do you find that you pigeon-hole people based on what you've heard about them, their looks, where they live, how much money they make or how much education they have? If we didn't come to our relationship with an openness to possibilities, we wouldn't have gotten together and you wouldn't be reading this newsletter right now. For example... *There's 16 years difference between the two of us *We do not come from the same socio-economic background *We had radically different religious upbringings *We have not had the same educational opportunities If we had judged each other based on these differences before we got to know the "real" person, we would never have attempted to even begin a relationship together. We're very grateful that we remained open to possibilities because the relationship we now enjoy is much greater than anything we could ever have imagined. Now, we're not saying that you shouldn't pay attention to differences when you are entering into a relationship with a person, especially an intimate relationship. What we are saying is to open to learning who this person is instead of pre-judging them by how they look, their job, their living arrangements or perhaps what you've been told about them. Decide in your own heart and mind what feels right to you about your relationships with anyone in your life. Cultivate and honor your own ability to make choices in your life. Remember, everything isn't always what it seems. Recognizing Opportunities For More Love A couple of weeks ago, we got some sad news. Gypsy, our 16 year old cat is dying. It seems that Gypsy has been diagnosed with something called hyperthyroidism and after being given our treatment options by the veterinarian, we decided that we didn't like any of them. What's happening is that her metabolism has sped up so much that she's losing weight to the point that it's obvious that she's very ill although she doesn't appear to be in any pain. The interesting thing is that we are finding that we are being kinder to her in little ways. We give her extra pieces of her favorite foods--chicken and turkey. We're giving her extra attention during the evenings when she wants to cuddle. Now, don't misunderstand us--we've never been anything but loving with Gypsy but now we're even more loving and kind because we know that she is dying. With what we've been noticing about our own behavior with Gypsy, there are some big relationship lessons we want to share with you. A similar kind of lesson came to us several years ago after Otto felt like he had been misled about a job promotion in a company where he was employed. He found that he had become bitter and angry with his employer and this went on for several months. About the time that Otto decided to leave this job, he noticed something interesting about this situation. After making this decision, he found that he became kinder, more friendly and more co-operative with his co-workers and employer. The point is that in any of our relationships, we don't need to wait until someone you care about is dying, a relationship is dissolving, or you're leaving a job you can't stand to open your heart a little further. In your own life--Just think about all the missed opportunities for connection and love because of anger, resentments, holding onto the need to be right, preoccupation, and busyness. We invite you to take a moment and show kindness and/or love to someone or something that you may have been neglecting in your life. Otto's father always said that he wanted his flowers while he was living and we think this is great advice to pass along to you this week. This speaks to the idea of showing the people in your life that you love and care about them and how important it is to let them know. As for now--Gypsy seems to be doing well and is enjoying her time with us. Which is it: Love or Something Else? Have you ever wondered when love is really love? Is it possible that you or someone you know has thought they were "in love" when they were really coming from some other place? Here's an example of this kind of question in action... Margaret recently woke up and realized that she has been obsessed with a man she thought she was in love with. They are miles apart but keep in touch by email and instant message and when she doesn't hear from him, she's lost. She is always thinking about him and can't seem to concentrate on anything else until she has been in touch with him. She asked us--"What's the difference between obsession and love?" This is a fascinating question and here's our answer... Love is coming from a place of fullness, possibility, joy, acceptance, appreciation, truth, authenticity, connection, and beauty. Often you are a better person for truly loving another.