A
Different Perspective 
Menstuff® provides a different perspective on men's work.
For
Starters
We Are
Different
A Twisted View
of Hatred
Violence
is a Social Disease
I Wish I Knew
Now What I Knew Then
A World Without
Passion Will Die
Homophobia
What's
Happening to Men's Work?
Make the
Political Personal
Are You Man
Enough to Ask for Help?
It's Not
Time for Relationship
Work
Men Make
the Best Fathers
When
Daughters Come Second
Fathers
& Teen-Age Daughters
Rite-of-Passage
Ritual
Abuse of Boys
As in Sports So
in Life
This is an oportunity to challenge beliefs that you carry which
may be your parents or those of some group. It's a chance to
challenge your own free thought process. Those beliefs, both conscios
and unconscious, shape our relationships. We often pick up these
beliefs from our parents, some group, or the general culture, and
never examine them. And often these beliefs warp our relationships
and prevent us from owning our truth. This piece points out beliefs
that hold us back from healthy relationships and fulfilling
lives.
For Starters
I believe that women and men are each other's natural allies. We are
inherently are eager to be in close, warm, loving contact with each
other, regardless of sexual orientation. Men and womenare not natural
enemies. We need to listen to each other's stories of victory and
struggle to eliminate the rigid rolls into which we have been locked,
taking responsibility for our own lives and moving forward.
We Are Different
As women and men, even as men and men, we are different. No two
bodies, minds, thoughts, or people are the same. Too many
similarities usually represents someone without a mind of their
own.
A Twisted View of Hatred
Some say a man rapes in the name of all men. Is this true when a
woman premeditatively kills her husband. Even when the women cheer
her on a talk show? Interesting concept. Reminds me of the Feminist
Dictionary definition of "misogyny: the hatred of women as a refusal
to suppress the evidence of one's experience with women; a man's
defense against fear and pain; an affirmation of the cathartic
effects of justifiable anger." While their definition for "Misandry,
the hatred of men includes the beliefs that men are stupid, petty,
dishonest, silly, irrational, incompetent, undependable,
narciccistic, dirty, un-emotional, oversexed, undersexed...Such
beliefs culminate in attitudes that demean our bodies, our abilities,
our characters and our efforts and imply that we must be controlled,
subdued, abused and used, not only for female benefit but for our
own." Are either of these acceptable concepts? Would either of them
be acceptable if the meanings were under the other heading, which is
the way they actually were in the dictionary. Interesting that hatred
of men is justifiable but hatred of women is a sexist attitude that
should be fought against at all costs.
Violence is a Social Disease
Violence is a social illness that is only getting worse. While it's
mandatory that we work with the after effects of violence or
potential violence, it is becoming clearer each day that preventative
measures must be implemented soon if we ever want things to change.
And, the education of our youth towards conflict resolution and
appropriate emotional release (not hitting and not thinking it away)
seems to be the primary preventative opportunity. Changingthe
fundamental attitudes and behaviors of our youth, is key. As long as
we teach our children to stuff feelings, we'll get nice girls and
boys growing up and nice men and women who, when things get to be too
much, blow their problems away. (See violence.)
I Wish I Knew Now What I Knew Then
Men are inherently gentle, intimate, responsible, enthusiastic,
sensual, tolerant, courageous, honest, vulnerable, affectionate,
proud, spiritual, committed, wild, nurturing, peaceful, helpful,
intense, compassionate, happy and to fully and safely express all
emotions. When will we stop training him to be otherwise? (See
Feelings.)
A World Without Passion Will Die
"Young men will burn down the culture rather than live meaningless
lives," quotes Michael Meade. A culture that denies passion and
intensity, mistaking it for potential violence, creates a situation
that offers no healthy alternative. Most women and men have been
required to "stuff it". "It" is one's feelings and intensity for
life, leaving us without the opportunity to face our multitude of
tasks with mystery, fascination and passion. The importance of
understanding that anger is an emotion, not a behavior, and violence
is only one of many behaviors that can be drawn on, is our true
lesson. When that is learned, by women and men, we will see men's
intensity return, including safe expressions of anger, leading to a
passion for positives changes in the world, the likes of which have
never been seen.
Homophobia
Homophobia is the fear of being or being perceived as a homosexual.
It locks all people into rigid sex-based roles that inhibit
creativity and self-expression. It inhibits appreciation of other
types of diversity, making it unsafe for everyone because each person
has unique traits not considered mainstream or dominant. We must
remove all oppressions so we and our children can lead full,
creative, happy lives. (See Homophobia.)
What's Happening to Men's Work?
More "Women Respond to the Men's Movement "than men. Our continued
portrayal that any man in a men's group or doing personal work, runs
around nude in the woods beating drums keeps men from risking. Let's
find ways to get men out of their caves rather than pushing them
further into it. Only people can give warmth to a cold, lost, angry
heart. And, a challenge to those who criticism men's work: don't
stand on the outside reading inaccurate information written primarily
by men who are not willing to experience the work. Find out from the
inside. Feel it first. Won't you take my hand. Will help each other
stand.
Make the Political Personal
Most men's work in the recovery and mythopoetic areas is personal.
Most work within the Pro-Feminist and Men's Rights areas is political
and is a place where workaholism is ignored. It's time to look at our
own dysfunctional behavior and how, by cleaning it up, our political
work will become healthier and probably more effective. As Andrew
Harvey said, "Political activity not founded in the heart is doomed."
The only thing more painful than going through recovery is not going
through recovery. Are you man enough? ("What
have you done for you lately?")
Are You Man Enough to Ask for Help?
While many men might think we don't have many if any issues beyond
work and family, we have been able to identify 100 major categories
and several hundred issues within these categories. Don't wait til
it's broke to start doing some preventative maintenance on your
life.
It's Not Time for Relationship Work
There's a trend for women and men away from personal work and towards
relationship work. Some may be truly ready. But, even more may be
using this as an easy escape from really getting to the bottom of
their own dysfunction, hoping that it will be cleaned up by working
together. Think again.
Men Make the Best Fathers
The more distant the father is kept from his children, the more
dysfunctional this society becomes. The brainwashing of the children
against their father's is at least psychological abuse of their
children. Now that girls are picking up Uzis and running previously
all-male gangs, maybe we need to start looking at the impact of
making the father a visitor rather than a full, participating parent
in his children's lives. (See Videos
for "The Vanishing Father".)
When Daughters Come Second
Alot of men's work has revolved around fathers and sons. The father's
responsibilities encompass many important lessons for his daughters
as well. He is the primary shapper of the way the daughter relates to
the masculine side of herself. The way he relates to her feminine
side will affect the way she accepts that part of her. And, since he
is different from her and her mother, he is the only one who can
really confirm for her that she is unique and separate from her
mother.
We, as fathers, inherently posses the ability to nurture as well
as teach the value of setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries
and limits. We need to model how to give and receive affection and
tenderness as well as the proper use of strength and power. We must
openly show our inherent vulnerability and sensitivity. When we
accept the role of primary disciplinarian and boundary setter, we
must also take the responsibility to lovingly prepare our daughters
to venture out from the protected realm of the home - to deal with
the outside world and its conflicts. We must seize the opportunity to
teach decision making, balanced with objectivity and responsibly
along with the ability to work with authority.
If we are not there for her in a committed and responsible way,
encouraging the development of her mental, physical and spiritual
sides in all of its uniqueness, it will, most likely, have a drastic
affect on the way she sees men and sees herself as a woman in the
world. (See Fathers
& Daughters.)
Fathers & Teen-Age Daughters
Rite-of-Passage
When fathers don't take an active role in the raising of their
children, their children will go elsewhere to be initiated into
adulthood. Many will initiate themselves before the age of fourteen
into the world of drugs, alcohol and sex. Others through initiations
like the first auto accident, joining a gang, a criminal act, even
the first pregnancy. These just aren't adequate replacements for
healthy rites-of-passage.
For the first time in history, women are taking on
"non-traditional" roles previously the exclusive territory and
responsibility of men. Because of this, there is a need to start
developing a unique rite-of-passage only a father can give his
daughter. One that acknowledges and supports these major social
shifts. In doing this, we can actually start developing completely
new models for positive ways fathers can be with their daughters, as
much as their sons, especially during the difficult teen years. See
also Daughter's
Rites.
Ritual Abuse of Boys
In the United States, 7 in 10 boys are ritually or sexually abused
before the age of 15 (less than 1 in 2 in California.) This common
custom of sexual mutilation called "circumcision" is a rite that was
picked up from primitive cultures and continues in only two civilized
countries in the world - Israel and the U.S. We know how tied it is
to sexual dysfunction, we're just learning how it may be tied to
misogyny. Whatever the connection, it disallows the child's religious
freedom by forcing them to have this primitive blood ritual done to
them, leaving them scarred for life. We wouldn't allow clitorectomies
of our girls (even if it is a religious practice in other parts of
the world). Why do we accept such a violent act to be forced into our
boys lives without the same concerns? See more at circumcision
and abuse.
As in Sports So in Life
The Washington Redskins are often a favorite to go to the Superbowl
in January. Other Division teams seem to consistently end up on top.
In the NFC West, it's the Atlanta Niggers. The NFC Central has the
Tampa Bay Yids, the Dallas Wetbacks are a good pick for the NFC East
while in the AFC, it's the Kansas City Savages in the West, the
Tennessee Crackers in the Central and New York Guineas in the East.
Did I offend you? If so, were you offended when I mentioned the
Washington Redskins? When will we start to honor, respect and really
understand that Native Americans aren't mascots, they are people.
Think about it! See Multicultural.
* * *
Differences challenge assumptions. - Anne Wilson Schaef
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