Tom Blake is an expert on dating after 50. He has
appeared twice on the "Today Show" and has written more than
500 columns on dating and relationships. His "Single Again"
column appears in The Orange County Register in
southern California, is read worldwide and is often featured
on msn.com. He is a
professional speaker. He spoke at the national AARP
convention in San Diego in 2002, and Chicago in 2006. His
book, Middle
Aged and Dating Again, is a humorous account of his
first year of dating after his third divorce. His new book,
Finding
Love After 50: How to begin, where to go, what to
do, is hot off the press. To ask a question or receive
Tom's free weekly column on middle-age dating and
relationships by e-mail, click on www.findingloveafter50.com
See Archives 2007, 2006,
2005, 2004,
and 2003. A week ago tonight, my partner Greta and I were in the kitchen preparing dinner. Greta held up a large envelope. "You received a package today from Hana, Hawaii. Looks like a photograph," she said. My first thought was that my sisters who had just been on vacation in Maui had sent a photo of the two of them. "Who's it from?" I asked. "Someone with the initials KK." "KK" didn't strike a bell. I thought, yikes, I hope one of our Finding Love After 50 newsletter subscribers didn't send a picture of herself in a bikini or hula skirt. After all, many of you have sent photos to me and we do have subscribers who live in Hawaii. I could tell Greta was as curious as I was. She asked if she could open it. "It's from Kris!" she said excitedly. Again, my reaction was that it was from my sister Chris, although she spells her name with a C. At this point, I need to provide you with a little background info. In April, I read that Rosanne Cash, daughter of Johnny Cash, presented the Johnny Cash Visionary award during the CMT Awards show in Nashville to one of Johnny's closest friends. Johnny and his family were friends of mine when I was the marketing director in the 1970s of the Victoria Station restaurant chain. I hired Johnny to sing our radio commercials and traveled with him extensively. Rosanne and I were pretty good pals. Last year, I published a memoir titled, "Prime Rib and Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?" (www.vicsta.com). It chronicles the rise and fall of VS during the eight years I worked there. Rosanne is quoted on the back cover, and the man she presented the award to is included in the book. In fact, one of the songs he wrote, "Sunday Morning Coming Down," is the title of one of the chapters. I contacted Rosanne and asked for his address, which she provided: Hana, Hawaii. Four months ago I sent him a book and the following letter: "Dear Kris: "Rosanne Cash gave me your address. "I wanted you to have a copy of this book. It's a memoir I wrote about Victoria Station, the restaurant chain that thrived in the 1970s. Your friend Johnny Cash did our radio commercials; he and June were friends of mine and are featured in the book. "You are also in the book. John and June always spoke highly of you and I thought you'd enjoy hearing that from a person you've never met. "Congratulations on all of your achievements, including being a Rhodes scholar. I admire your work. Your song, Loving her was easier than anything I'll ever do, is one of my all-time favorites. "I've owned a deli in Dana Point, California, called Tutor and Spunky's for 18 years (Tutor and Spunky's Deli). I would love an autographed picture of you for our deli wall. You'd be up there next to Johnny and June. It would mean a lot to me. "Enjoy the book. It's in memory of Johnny." Back to last Friday night. The autographed picture that was in the envelope came from the same Kris to whom I had sent the book. On Saturday, I mounted it on the deli wall-of-fame, alongside Johnny Cash's photo. Handwritten on the picture: "Thanks Tom. Peace. Kris Kristofferson." Sometimes, it's the little things in life that make one's day. From the Mail Bag Comments from last week: Larry, "My number one concern is acquiring HIV from strange, unsuspecting women. June, "It takes me forever (to the male), to even hold hands on regular dates." Anonymous, "Timing couldn't have been better as I know a lady falling for a guy 3000 miles away and is embarking on a trip back east to meet him late next week." Ann, "I know a few older women who choose macho good-ole-boys who probably wouldn't dream of using a condom." Another, "I not only shared this very good newsletter but took excerpts from it for Senior Friend Finder magazine in which I write." Joe, "Do you happen to know the names of the websites the women use that are quick to have sex? LOL." Jennifer: "Anyone who has sex with a total stranger at the first meeting is a complete fool." Jan, I've had this discussion (I should say monologue!) with one particular man on and off for several months. Every time the subject about 'safe-sex' is brought up, it meets with stone-cold silence and indifference. Doesn't sound very promising, does it?" Lynne, "YIKES! Throwing caution to the wind
because you think you know someone via the Internet is
foolhardy. It's still the Internet - a terrific place to
make up a personality. I didn't hop into the sack on the
first date, or have unprotected sex when I was 20. I
certainly wouldn't do it at 50! I like to think I got
smarter, not dumber." Internet dating's false sense of
security Women who use the Internet to meet potential mates realize every person they meet online is a stranger. They are aware that among these strangers are scammers, fakes and bad guys with evil intentions. Nearly every online dating site warns singles to be careful when interacting with strangers. Most women heed the advice and proceed cautiously. But, once they meet face-to-face with the strangers, too many women toss caution to the wind and put themselves at risk by engaging in risky sex. Paige Padgett, Ph.D., of The University of Texas School of Public Health, conducted an online survey of 740 women who placed personal ads on the Internet seeking men. Padgett published her study, Personal Safety and Sexual Safety for Women Using Online Personal Ads in the current issue of a publication titled "Sexuality Research & Social Policy." A press release promoting Padgett's study revealed mixed results-both encouraging and troubling. The encouraging aspect of the study revealed how women exercise caution when communicating with strangers: "Women go to great lengths to screen would-be suitors. The survey reported that they request photographs, check for small-talk inconsistencies, run criminal background checks and call workplace phone numbers. "Final precautions include meeting men in public places, arranging their own transportation, giving the man's name to a friend and calling a friend before and after the encounter." The troubling aspect of the study reveals what happens once women meet the strangers in person: "Many of the 568 surveyed women who eventually met their online dates engaged in risky sexual behaviors. Thirty percent of the respondents reported having sex on their first date. Seventy-seven percent of respondents reported not using a condom during their first sexual encounter." The press release explained why this reckless behavior happens: "Padgett said otherwise cautious women may engage in unprotected sex because they are lulled into a sense of 'virtual intimacy.' By the time the couples meet face-to-face, they have exchanged much information about their backgrounds, their likes and dislikes, as well as their sexual preferences." Padgett continued, "The high level of disclosure and frequency of e-mail exchanges with men provides women with at least a virtual intimacy-a sense of a relationship that may or may not exist in reality but may encourage sexual intimacy at a faster rate than what would develop through conventional dating methods." The Internet, because of its anonymous environment, creates a glass-like shield where people reveal more personal information than they normally would in person. Some fall in love with an image and trust that image although they've never met. It's the deceptive power of the Internet. Women need to be aware that their Internet exchanges with online lovers can create a false sense that sex is safe with that person. When, indeed, it may not be. The CDC, Centers for Disease Control reports that the fasting growing (percentage-wise) age group for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and HIV is the 55-plus age group. While the actual numbers are not as large as in younger age groups, one would not want to become a statistic and saddled with unpleasant and possibly life-threatening STDs. The CDC provides a discussion of STDs and a list of safe sex practices on its website at CDC WEBSITE. A good discussion to have with your online virtual lover before meeting in person should include the rules regarding sex that will apply when you meet him face-to-face. He may agree to no sex when emailing, but could turn into a sex-crazed monster in person. Even though you think you know your virtual lover on the
outside, you don't know what he is like on the inside. When
you have sex with him, you are exposing yourself to any STD
he might have acquired via all of his previous sexual
encounters. Don't take a foolish risk that could haunt you
forever. Response to single woman seeks
companion Last week, Linda, a 50-year-old widow of two years, wanted to know what she should do to start getting out of the house. She said, "As much as I will always love my late husband, my children, friends and family will never fill that void and the need for some companionship. Trouble is finding that someone." A bunch of you responded. Many said you are or have been in situations similar to Linda. Judith, a former vice president of Parents Without Partners, feels PWP would be a great place for Linda to start: "Once you join your local chapter, you may attend events at any other chapter. Ask, ask, ask. Attend the workshops, the family activities, the adult nights out, the dances, etc. "What's important is attitude. If the chapter offers them, wear your name badge! Another suggestion: take dance lessons, join a dance class. Good exercise, good evening out, new friends." Carmen asked, "Have you ever written about aerobics/exercise classes as a place to meet people? Not that I'd join just for that reason, but there are self-worth advantages, too. Trish wrote, "Linda has taken an excellent first step in letting the children know she is ready to 'spread her wings.' It is important for the children to know rather than being hit with: 'I'd like to introduce you to someone.' "Since my 2 ½ year relationship has ended, I am looking forward to dating again. I am in the process of moving and sending the kids off to college - come September I will be home alone." Ann, author of Travels With Annie (also offered at Amazon.com), a courageous story about how a widow challenged life, said, "I'd advise her to take up rock climbing at her local climbing gym. Take women technique classes; at the gym look for climbing partners. She will be invited to join others for outdoor weekend climbs. "I did that when I was 56 and although I never became romantically involved with any of my climbing buddies, several of them became good friends and available for "dates" when I needed one. "Besides the thrill of climbing in beautiful places all over California (like Yosemite) with expert climbers, I had a blast and got really strong. Pursuing any activity you like is worth a zillion internet dates." Bobbie said, "It doesn't make any difference if you are widowed or divorced, you have the same companionship aloneness. I'd advise Linda to focus on her kids & maybe do volunteer work in the community that includes her children, or alone if she so chooses. There are many volunteer opportunities out there, check your local paper or do so through your church or Habitat For Humanity." Donna, "The letter from Linda with children still at home could have been written by me; however, I'm not a widow. But, the situation is still much the same. I still have children at home. My advice to Linda is to make her children her main priority. "At the same time that the widow is giving her children more I would encourage her to take adult enrichment classes to meet other adults. There are many amazing guys out there." And from another woman. "I too, was widowed at the age of 46 and left with 2 girls ages 11 and 15. I am now 51 with a 16 and 20 year old. I have a new male friend who I socialize with, but keep it simple. I believe it is wise to keep my new relationship separate and not involve my children with dealing with it. My advice is to walk softly and move slowly." And as often happens, not everyone liked last week's column. ML said, "I am not interested in reading about younger women with children at home, and how they can or can't find companionship. I realize the lady is 50 and technically qualifies, but you have her talking about something an 80 year old told her and then the 50 year old and her sister laughed together, like the 80 year old was comic relief or something. "I wish to respectfully tell you that I did not like the tone of last week's column. The 80 year old gave good advice, and "shacking up" is her answer to the marriage dilemma. How is that funny? The 50 year old doesn't have any answers, and frankly, I think she should focus on her kids as you suggest." A variety of people, a variety of opinions. That's
good. Here's the situation. In 2005, two days before Valentine's Day and her birthday, which fall on the same day, a 48-year-old woman named Linda was widowed. She had a 16-year-old daughter and two sons, one 14, the other 12, living at home. Now 50, she's feeling the need to spread her wings a bit. She says, "I've never wanted anyone to pity me. God gave me 20 great years with a loving husband and father. Your life does change in ways you never expected. You find out who your true friends are and you realize life does go on." Linda says she feels the need to get out, to maybe meet someone. "As much as I love and will always love my late husband, my children, friends and family will never fill that void and the need for some companionship." She realizes she still has children living at home and that she has issues such as paying for college tuitions. "But, it doesn't mean I don't have time for some adult fun! I hope you can give advice for us 'younger" singles.'" Linda acknowledges that men may look at her situation as having too much baggage. But she doesn't expect a man to be saddled with those responsibilities. "I'm a good person with a good soul with so much to offer a man. So just how does one get that across without them thinking they are expected to raise my children? "I've done a great job so far and don't need help. I don't need their money," Linda said. Linda may never remarry. "At my husband's funeral, I was approached by an 80-year-old family friend who advised me not to remarry. She had, and was 'taken to the cleaners' by her second husband. After divorcing him, she is now happily 'shacking up' (her words) with a wonderful man and life couldn't be better! My sister and I couldn't stop laughing! "Looking back, I realize that made sense. I don't want to change my life for any man, but I do want to share it. Separate households would be fine, but my kids are open to whatever arrangements I end up with. Trouble is finding that someone." So how does she find someone for companionship who won't have to help raise her kids or shoulder that financial responsibility? And, who won't feel pressured to marry? She says she doesn't like the thought of trying online dating. I answered, "Focusing on your children is your top priority, as it should be. "The Internet is a mixed bag. One can waste a lot of time playing the game and results can be iffy. Perhaps joining a group like Parents Without Partners would be time better spent. I think your chances of meeting someone are greater in a club like that, instead of the Internet. There, you would meet people who understand a single parent's needs to take care of the kids. "Just getting out and meeting new people is important--that can greatly increase your chances also." What advice would you give her? From the Mail Bag Many of you responded with your experiences and stories of dealing with aging parents. The most common thread: As people grow older, they rebel against giving up their independence. And that is sure the case with my Mom. Perhaps, one day, we will do a column on our findings. I
realize that isn't a finding love after 50 issue, but it
sure is something many of us are faced with. Widowers who seek new mates often get a bad rap. Women who've dated them say many cling to the memory of their wives, or they are too controlling, or too this or that. But, widowers are also human beings who have a warm and courageous personal side. Today, Bill shares his views on loving again after the passing of his wife of 40 years. Bill writes, "I will never fully get over the loss of my wife. Yet, early on, I knew full well that I needed to transition to a more healthy place than continuing with the despair I faced with her passing. "While I can glorify the history of our life together, it was the last three years of her life that formed my current productive view of life. Attending to her every medical need, becoming an expert in wound care, facilitated loving her in ways I had never before imagined. I changed for the better. "The 'new me' is a reflection of my personal growth in those last three years. I am now capable of loving unconditionally and relinquishing control, while supporting the strength and independence of a new woman. I'm not sure I could have done that effectively earlier in life. This is a huge legacy my deceased wife provided with her passing. At the Fourth of July fireworks display the year following my wife's passing, imagine for a moment, two people both who have suffered losses, sitting on hard plastic lawn chairs sipping wine, eagerly anticipating the beginning of the celebratory night time display. I don't know what possessed me to lean over and utter the most difficult phrase imaginable since I last spoke those words to my dying life-mate. I turned to the lovely woman (Barbara) seated beside me and whispered, 'I love you.' Concurrent with that repressed confession, the skies opened with the booming cascade of rocket fire, explosions, and sparkling light. I was finally able to fully utter the "L" word in its entirety. I have repeated it at least twenty times a day from that day, for the second time in my life. Those difficult words-I love you-set the tempo for my new life. Bill and Barbara married. He continues with his story. "I have reassured my bride that only the heavens could have provided that unrehearsed moment of drama. Maybe my departed spouse had a small part to play, signaling approval of my actions, and maybe it was simply the scheduled time for the fireworks show to begin. It really doesn't matter in the overall scheme of things. "What really matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new spouse of the nature and profundity of the widower's prior relationships; and a widower who can provide a stable emotional environment for building confidence in the relationship. Confidence is best matured, when the widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions and independence of his new love. Removing doubt and fostering self confidence, minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits. Together, on equal emotional grounds, new life partners will find that life may again be truly lived to its fullest. The ability to change is all it takes. From the Mail Bag On Tuesday night, my partner and I went to the musical, "Jersey Boys," in Los Angeles. It's the musical story of Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. Highly, highly recommended. Ah, the songs of our times. Up here in Sonoma County, in the heart of the vineyards,
while visiting my mom, I got to thinking about the rest of
you who have had aging parents or still have them and are
faced with helping them in their later years. What are your
experiences? What are your thoughts? In last week's newsletter about the 25-year-old woman lawyer who is dating the 40-year-old man, I asked for your comments. I got an earful. A few of you took me to task, and in retrospect, rightly so. You said my comments were snide, almost sarcastic. Some felt the lawyer was not "full of herself," as I had stated. Many felt that the 15-year age difference wasn't monumental and shared their similar age-difference experiences. Thanks for being honest and for keeping me in line. I let my personal feelings get in the way of objective journalism. Some women who had married men 15-to-20 years older said they had wonderful marriages but were widowed earlier than they had hoped. One woman stated she'd like to meet someone who was 1/2 the man her deceased husband was. And some said they would not accept that great of an age difference with a man now that they are older. A surprising trend surfaced. Several women said they are attracting considerably younger men. For example, Janice commented, "I get a lot of offers from 35-45 year-old men, and probably should be more open-minded about dating them, but at this point in my life, would just like to find a nice guy fairly close to my age who enjoys some of the same things I do." Ann said, "I'm 72 and for some unknown reason, I attract younger men. I am asked to dates, and have received two flower arrangements in the past two weeks. I try not to be too involved at my age because I know the great chance of making a mess of my life. "If I was to date men my age, 72-82, I'd be taking my life into my hands every time they drive. Some of them can't drive late at night, but they insist on having two-three drinks with the evening. Sorry, I like my life and don't want to end up dead or in a wheelchair. Of course, there were several comments about the preponderance of older men asking out younger women. And the majority did not side with the 25-year-old. Lillian wrote, "I have noticed men my age prefer to 'court' women much younger. I feel a bit discouraged because I'm attractive and a pleasant woman. When I attend singles gatherings, men my age seek out younger women in the group. Of course, the ratio of women to men around here is about 3 to 1." One woman emailed, "I think I got this off the Oprah Show. If you want a good relationship, 'Get someone your equal or better.' This pertains to financially, emotionally, education, etc. Find someone with good energy who is able to shine in a social situation. I might have to date an older man to accomplish these objectives. "At 68, I am having a terrible time finding someone because I have to consider other things like liveliness and heath." Mary Jo has been on both sides of the age gap question. She emailed, "I have had experience with both older men and younger men. I was married to a man 20 years older and lived for 15 years with a man 22 years older. My last boyfriend was 23 years younger than I, so you see I am not biased. I think it depends on the persons. "I did come to a place where I wondered if I had what it took to care for an older partner, though I was married to the one when he had a triple bypass and found my matter of fact "You've been mended" approach was the right one for him. The only person I would be actually willing to care for in a time of age and disability was the last guy. It had nothing to do with his age, but the depth of my love for him." For me, the important lesson learned from last week's responses is to control my opinions and be more objective and understanding. From the Mail Bag There was an interesting article by Jane Glenn Haas in the Orange County Register, one of the papers that features my column, this past Monday Haas conducted a survey asking widowed and divorced women over age 50 if they wanted to remarry. She had received 493 responses so far. Only 25 percent want to marry, but about 44 percent would like a relationship. Close to 40 percent don't want a relationship or to be married. (The percentages are approximate). Hass cited the reasons women don't want to remarry: "They don't want to be subservient, they value independence, they have not made good relationship decisions in the past, they feel men want contol, they don't want to be 'a nurse or a purse.'" Hass wrote that two-thirds of the divorces over age 50 are initiated by women. Haas is doing more research on the topic. If you'd like
to participate, go to www.womansage.org. The survey is
called, "Live Close, Visit Often," and is in the left hand
column under "Sage Voices." If you don't want to take the
survey, it's still an important website for women's issues
that would be worth your time to check out. You might
mention to Jane that I referred you to her. Here's a bit of a change-of-pace topic today. I need your help responding to this young woman's email. She wrote, "I recently read your article in which you incorporated the reactions that older women had to the idea of men their age looking for younger partners." Note from Tom: The article to which she refers is embedded somewhere on my Finding Love After 50 web site. I likely wrote it three to four years ago. And since the site has in excess of 600 pages, I didn't go searching for it. She continued, "While, as an attorney and not a social scientist, I am not qualified to comment on wide-spread trends, I take offense at the assumption by you that a younger woman dating an older man is always either a gold-digger or a silly tart who is unwilling to take care of the needs of her older counter-part." Comment from Tom: It always amazes me that women dating considerably older men spend time researching this topic. And then they feel compelled to write to take issue with my stance. I have never written a newspaper article on older men dating younger women where I didn't hear from at least one woman involved with an older guy. And their responses always sound similar. She continued, "I am 25; my boyfriend is 40. I never planned on dating an older man. In fact, except for him, my boyfriends have always been very close in age to me. However, I met him and was immediately smitten. He is, admittedly, wealthy. However, I am independently wealthy myself and also possess high-earning capacity, having recently earned my law degree. The money plays no role in my desire for him." Tom: Wow. He's wealthy but his money plays no role because she's also wealthy. And she's a lawyer and a little full of herself. The question begs to be asked: why is someone 25-years-old who possesses high-earning power spending time on page 353 (strictly a page-number guess) of the Finding Love After 50 web site? A web site intended for people twice her age? She continued: "I date him because I care for him. Tom: (that's a unique concept). She: "I am attracted to him. He treats me better than any other man has ever treated me. He pays attention to me. I don't have to play games with him to hold his attention (i.e. pretending like I don't like him so that he will like me)." Tom: You've got to hand it to this 25-year-old. At least she's mature, having left childish games behind. She: "If the relationship works out and I hope it will, I will happily care for him as he ages. My motive for dating my 40-year-old boyfriend is the same motive I had for dating my twenty-something boyfriends: I love him." I wrote back to her. "What we don't know is, if he were not wealthy, would you care as much? But since he is wealthy, we won't ever know the answer. And, of course, you being wealthy clouds the issue also. You two may be a perfect match, two rich peas in a pod." I mentioned a couple of other things to her in my reply but didn't get a response. Perhaps she had to go to her law office to work. What I'm hoping is that some of you might want to add your two cents. We can put together a nice package of comments from the over-50 crowd and send it off to her. From the Mail Bag John emailed: "I have just finished re-reading your book, Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to do. On page 72 you say, 'Most people match up better with mates close to their age. They share the songs, dances, and historical events they experienced and have similar energy levels.' "My question is: How close in age should mates be?" Tom's response: There is no hard and fast rule. It all
depends on the two individuals involved. A woman can be
older than her partner and still run circles around him in
energy level. So, when I hear men say they want a woman
15-20 years younger, or more, I wince. They might not be
able to keep up with a woman their own age. They may be
simply kidding themselves and will never find success
looking for a mate. Last week, I mentioned that I often caution women about dating widowers. It's not because I think widowers are bad guys. To the contrary, most are wonderful men who were devoted to their deceased wives. For the most part, they understand what it takes to make a marriage work, and because of that perception, many women feel widowers would make great partners. I base my caution warnings on the stories women who've dated widowers have shared with me over the years. In a nutshell, these women have said that the widowers convinced them that they had adequately healed and wanted to be in a committed relationship. And then, somewhere down the road, reality hits the widowers. For a variety of reasons--often guilt, or holding on to precious memories--they can't proceed with the relationships they've jumped into. End result: the women get hurt. True, not every widower's situation is like that. Some make the adjustment just fine. But, it happens often enough that it's important to warn women who get involved with widowers about the possibility. Last week, a woman named Elaine called, and asked for a personal consultation about the widower she's dating. I suspected she would tell me he was having second thoughts about his relationship with her. Note about consultations: I advise people who want consultations that I am not a therapist, just a good listener who has heard about nearly every aspect of mid-life dating in my 14 years of writing about it. I've found when people want a consultation, they don't call to chitchat; they have difficult and unique issues. In Elaine's case, my suspicions were wrong. The widower doesn't have issues, she's the one filled with guilt. For years, Elaine was the best friend of the widower's wife. When the wife died, Elaine never gave dating him a thought. "I even had his next wife picked out; he had been an incredible husband to my friend" she said. He started to confide in Elaine. He revealed things about himself she'd never known. He was an even more remarkable man than she'd thought. Then, after a couple of years, he grew distant. She didn't understand why. She pressed him for an answer. He finally revealed that his hints about his feelings for her had been ignored. He wanted her in his life. She was surprised and reticent to date him, not wanting to jeopardize their friendship. Slowly, they started dating. He has professed his love for Elaine. She cares for him, and feels they could have an incredible life together, but she is so wracked with guilt about betraying her friend that she wanted an outsider's opinion. My first advice--the same thing I tell all women dating widowers: "Protect yourself from getting hurt." Then, I told her to stop focusing on the guilt, and start focusing on not letting him get away to another woman, that he will eventually go elsewhere if they don't hook up. Regarding her guilt, I said she had paid her dues to her friend. To help end her guilt, I suggested she write her friend a letter and explain her feelings. And without being frivolous, I told her if her friend didn't write back, then her friend had granted Elaine approval to move forward with him. Other members of our group chimed in. Louise wrote, "I think dating widowers is the BEST way to go. These men have been in committed relationships and have made the effort to stay married. Once they are ready for dating, I'd always prefer dating a widower. "They have learned what it means to make a commitment. Yes, perhaps it also means that there may be some left over issues about losing their spouse, but then, who doesn't have some left over issues about something? Note the boldface type: "Once they are ready for dating." That is the key to what Louise is saying. Avoid getting involved with a widower--or any person who has come out of a deeply committed relationship--until they are ready. And that is an entire different topic. Donna said, "I have been communicating with a widower. We haven't met yet. A few phone calls. But he is going out of town for a week. His actions made me think that maybe he isn't ready to meet anyone." It's good that Donna is being leery, but people do go out of town. It's too early for her to judge him just because of that. Dating a widower can work. But, please remember, many, many women have experienced euphoria dating their widowers, only to wake up one morning to find they've been abandoned, and left feeling pretty darned empty. Always protect your heart. From the Mail Bag Laurie-Ann Weiss is a friend of mine and a member of this group. Four years ago, she was devastated, becoming a widow at age 53. She authored an incredible book called The After Journey (www.laurieannweis.com), which describes how she rebuilt her life. (Note: her web site has one only "s" at the end of her name). For the last few months, Laurie has been listening with a different understanding to the widow/widowers who have written her. With the new information, she is updating her book. Laurie says, "I am going to write a new chapter for the end of the book and title it, "Years Later." It's been years since we lost our spouses. Life has changed so much. We've found a new normal. Some of us found a way to have joy differently. Others never found any joy again. Some things from the past are there and always will be. Some things are still very hard, some are easier. "My goal is to collect stories that tell what life is like now. Did people hook up again? How is it different? Are they single? What's that like? Did they move? How are the kids these years later? What was it like if they didn't have kids? How do they handle the grief that still comes or is it gone and there are only nice memories? "I know people will have very different stories and I think it's important to share the hope that we do go on and find a way to do it. What went well and what didn't? What are we still dealing with after all of these years? "Anyone interested can write and tell me their story. It's best to have people write who have been widowed for at least four years. I will change the names so the story is anonymous." We end today's mailbag with an opening line a man uses to weed out women who are only interested in his assets. When asked, "What do you do?" He replies, "I cut grass." He says it's amazing the number of women who immediately walk away. Have a great week. Last week, I was right and I was wrong. Remember Bill, the guy who launched a diatribe based on Diane's question about where to go to meet successful men? I was right because it made many of you angry. I was wrong because it didn't make many of you angry. You simply laughed at what many of you perceived as a bitter, cynical man. Mary wondered, "Who spit in Bill's Wheaties?" Linda said, "He's probably overweight, bald and 75, still single and miserable." Cheryl said he needs to get a dog-the only thing that would love him. A few of you suggested Bill stand naked in front of a full-length mirror. Mason said, "This is a man with very little sexual contact with women. If Bill thinks a man's libido is stronger than a woman's as we get older, he hasn't dated much." And believe it or not, a sampling of you sided with Bill. Paula said, "Everything he said is the truth. There are women who over-price and over-rate themselves. Stick to your guns Mr. Bill." Larry emailed, "Unfortunately, without the anger, I generally agree with Bill." To refresh your memory, here is Diane's quote that ignited so much discussion. "I am wondering if you have any suggestions on ways to meet more quality gentlemen. (By quality, I mean successful)." The mistake Diane made-and it was overwhelmingly the women who pointed this out-was that she didn't define "successful." Many of you helped by defining it for her. Barbi said, "Diane used poor judgment in her choice of words. Successful can mean many things." Donna agreed, "Diane should have defined successful. I think I know what she is looking for but she didn't define it well." Star said, "I don't defend Bill's rant, but somewhere in the midst of it is the kernel of a very valid question; Just what do we mean, especially at our stage in life, when we talk about a 'successful' human being? Success to Ms. Lou is simply meeting a man who is "nice, intelligent, and happy." And from Marcia, "Successful simply means a man is currently employed in a job he likes, has a decent FICO score, that reflects his care with his money and his credit history, and he's not wanted in three states for high crimes and misdemeanors." Claudie's idea of a successful man is "one who has grown up in spite of growing out, if he has." In her online profile, Sandra defines successful as "someone who has balance between work, family, physical fitness and the spiritual. " When Fred looks for a "successful professional" online, he means a person "having the energy and drive to have achieved something in life, or in a career, and having made a difference in the world." Jennifer shared, "When women say 'successful,' they usually mean self-supporting, at a minimum, and perhaps a modicum of success. They want to rule out losers and the unemployed, and can you blame them?" Mary believes successful is "being happy and fulfilled at what you are doing." The lesson from last week's column is the importance of
explaining to potential mates--on the Internet, in your
profile, or in person--what you mean by successful and to be
specific in what you seek in a mate. That should keep the
angry men at bay, at least for the time being. This week, my "Single Again" column in The Orange County Register--the nation's 20th largest newspaper--addressed an issue women frequently inquire about: where are the quality men? A woman named Diane asked a question that inspired the column. When I submitted it to the newspaper, I felt good about it, thinking it would be helpful to Diane and other single women who were also wondering where to meet quality men. I thought single women might respond, thanking me for such sage advice. I sure misjudged the reception. It was the men who responded and they weren't very nice. Here are the two paragraphs Diane wrote that angered the men. "I am 51 years young and back in the dating scene after 25 years of being married. I have met some nice gentlemen thru a couple of different online websites, but I am wondering if you have any suggestions on ways to meet more quality gentlemen. (By quality, I mean successful)." Diane added, "I am attractive with a good figure, educated and own my own company. My life is filled with great friends and family and I am in a great place to share the rest of my life with a great guy." I thought Diane's request to meet a successful man was reasonable. But it was the word "successful" that put some men over the top, even taking me to task. Many men responded. I picked one guy's response that was particularly harsh. Let's call him Bill (not his true name). Bill wrote: "I think you and Diane are a little out of touch with reality. When she uses the word 'successful', I think she means with money of his own-either wealthy-or moderately so. "Let me try to disabuse you and Diane of a few opinions you both seem to have." And then Bill began disabusing Diane and me: "First, what does she mean by the terms 'attractive' and having a 'good figure?' I'll bet the figure she now has is nowhere near as 'good' as it was when she first married at the age of 26, and I'm sure that her skin and muscle tone have deteriorated over the years." Bill was on fire: "In other words, she is starting to sag and wrinkle. I'll also guarantee that she is heavier than when she was 26. Her opinion of her own appearance is purely subjective, seen through the eyes of a woman who is probably longing to appear as she did when she was younger." Bill's disabusing continued: "Since time began, men and women have been trading money and power for sex. Women have a need for the security that money will bring, and men prefer their sex from a young woman. A man's libido is far more powerful and persistent than a woman's, which is why older men with money do not look for a woman of the same age when they select a partner. If your blood isn't boiling yet, it will be soon. Bill said, "An older woman with money can only interest a younger man with no money. Thus, an unspoken compact is undertaken - the young man, in exchange for servicing the older woman, (although he'd prefer a younger more sexually attractive woman) grits his teeth and goes through the motions in order to gain access to the woman's money." Bill wasn't done yet: "Please don't suggest the nebulous benefits of 'companionship' and 'conversation'. If I want either of those, I'll join a computer club, go to a baseball game, or find some other venue where the men are not there to find a partner, sexual or otherwise. "I suggest that Diane face reality, and broaden the acceptability criteria that she has chosen for herself, otherwise the only men who will find her attractive will be 75-year-olds, both with and without money. And then he ended with another shot at me (yikes, I was just the messenger): "Were the above observations too unpalatable for you to present to Diane, or are you so old you that you have forgotten what being fourteen and having spontaneous erections was like?" That was the end of Bill's rant. He sure covered a lot of territory responding to Diane's simple request about where she could go to meet successful men. He totally missed the point of the column. I want to thank Bill for doing women a big favor by reminding them why being single isn't so bad. Thank heaven most single men aren't like this man who comes off as angry, sexist and narrow-minded. Can you imagine what having a first date with him would
be like? The rest of the Paul McCartney
Story As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, a woman named Victoria came to my Dana Point, Ca. deli and purchased a copy of my Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do book. She asked me to inscribe it to Sir Paul McCartney. Victoria said she felt the book would help him-as it had helped her when she went through a tough divorce-to cope better during his current divorce from actress Heather Mills. I was pretty darned surprised. I picked up my pen. I can usually knock out a sentence or two without much thought when personalizing a book for someone. But what the heck do you write to Paul McCartney? You don't say something dumb like, "I enjoy your music," he's heard that millions of times. So, I wrote a sentence to the effect that he'll get through his divorce. I decided not to mention the folly of older men dating and marrying women 26-years younger. I added if there was anything else I could help him with to call me. And then I thought, yea, sure, Paul McCartney's going to call me. I didn't include my phone number. If he wants to reach me, my contact information is listed in the book. I finished my greeting: "Paul, if you'd ever like to sit down for a pint of Watney's Red Barrel (ale) together, I'm available." After Victoria left the deli, with Paul McCartney's autographed book under her arm, it occurred to me that adults all over the world have relationship issues later in life. Even an original Beetle. When I got home, I told my partner Greta about what had happened. She said, "If you ever sit down for a pint with Paul McCartney, I'll be right there with you." I wrote about the incident in my newspaper column. Responses poured in. Many women echoed Greta's comment: if Sir Paul comes to Southern California, they also wanted to be included. As I reported last week, not everyone was impressed. Two of our readers took me to task. Sharon said Victoria probably was throwing herself at him and Shirley said McCartney was a tightwad and not to bleed for him. Victoria told me she paid $63 to have the book shipped overnight to England, only to have the package rejected and not opened. She paid another $63 to have it returned. Then she shipped it to Paul's New York agent. She hasn't had a response yet. For me, this was all in good fun, I didn't think much about it, until Wednesday night. I was visiting my mom in Santa Rosa (Sonoma County) and happened to turn on Larry King. His show was devoted to the one-year anniversary of the Cirque Du Soleil show in Las Vegas called "The Beatles - LOVE." The show features the Beetles music and was approved by Yoko Ono (John Lennon's widow), Olivia Harrison (George Harrison's widow), Ringo Starr and, yup, Sir Paul. The four of them were guests on King's show live from Las Vegas. If you missed it, and you ever get a chance to see a rerun of it, watch it. The photos and the music brought back to me the incredible impact the Beetles had on our generation-whether you liked them or not. It was heartwarming to see the camaraderie among the four of them, particularly between Ringo and Paul. The Beatles considered themselves a family and still do. Paul admitted to King that the divorce was difficult, and he coped best by not discussing it. King changed the subject after that. And I got to thinking. With Paul so close to Dana Point,
a mere hour by air, perhaps he'll pop over and have that
pint of Watney's Red Barrel after all. But, as of this
writing, I haven't heard from him yet. For women, meeting eligible men to date gets harder as time passes by. With each year, there are fewer single men in the dating pool. When a man enters a woman's life, filling a void, it can be difficult for her to dismiss him as a potential partner when he doesn't measure up to what she is worthy of. The same applies to men. Some want so desperately to gain security or have a relationship they may not care about compatibility. Today, two women describe situations they got themselves into. While reading these two cases, guess which one came from one of our members, and which one came from an outsider. In situation number one, Ann emailed: "I'm 72. Been told I'm attractive and fun. Own my own home and usually work part time. "I met this gentleman at the gym. He made a very nice impression and seemed so desperate to please. He recently left his wife because she was going into a nursing home and he's filling for divorce. If he remarries it will be his fourth time. "His wife owned the house so he had to move to an apartment. He's retired military. He has a limited amount of money, poor health, no sex life, and generous spirit of spending and offering a good time. "Here's the problem: I'm not attracted to him for a romantic relationship as I befriended him to help him talk about his situation with his wife. He constantly talks about us getting married. He takes me to very nice restaurants and he generally likes to please me in everything. I'm trying to explain to him that we're just friends. In my heart of hearts, I think he's looking for another home and wife to hang his hat. "My friends think 'he's such a nice guy!' I feel I have to protect myself from making mistakes so late in life. Am I throwing away a good thing?" Our second email came from Wendy: "I met a gentleman while out with my girlfriend one evening. He was interesting, good looking and a sheriff, so feeling safe, I started out on the dating process. He is the kindest man, fun to be with and very good looking. "He told me he loved me within two weeks and began planning our future life together, and wanted to be with me 24/7 right off the bat. I did really like him, and kept asking him to slow down so we could get to know each other well. "Sadly, I finally had to tell him it was over just to get some breathing room! I know guilt is not love, and we cannot be made to fall in love, but I still have a hard time being 'mean.' Whatever happened to just going out and having fun for awhile before jumping in the sack or moving in together?" Did you guess which email came from one of our members? I'll tell you at the end. The good news in both cases is neither woman is going to settle with a man who doesn't measure up. But I have to ask why Ann wondering is if she's throwing away a good thing? Does she really need to ask? The guy is abandoning his wife because she has health issues, has no money, is in poor health, doesn't own a home and can have no sex life, which is probably a good thing because Ann isn't attracted to him anyway. Wendy, on the other hand, soon figured out that the sheriff has issues: mainly low self-esteem and the need to control. Sounds like he can't function on his own without a woman near him around the clock. That would drive me bonkers, as it would Wendy, which she realized. She simply wondered why they can't have fun together before getting so darn serious. If you guessed that Wendy is our member, you're right.
Thank heaven that neither Ann nor Wendy settled. Why get
involved in a relationship where you'll end up worse
off? Conversation opener: "Is that yours, dirt bag?" Believe it or not, that conversation-starter worked. Meeting potential mates is difficult for mature singles. When an opportunity to meet someone presents itself, it's likely a one-time occurrence. Seldom do singles encounter the same stranger a second time, so they need to be assertive at that very moment to improve their chances of establishing a relationship This applies to women as well as men. But some women are shy and others are at a loss about how to initiate a conversation with a man. Janet wrote, "I was wondering if you could run a column about appropriate "pick up" lines for older people? I ask because my sister insists on asking new men she meets 'What do you do?' "Her reason for asking this, according to her, is to have a basis of conversation. I think it's because she is screening them, i.e., if the man answers 'truck driver,' she will probably limit her time speaking with him. However, if he answers 'attorney,' this will perk her interest." Janet feels her sister's "What do you do?" question is a turn-off to men. "Good men rule her out because they think she is only interested in how prestigious their careers are or how much money they make. Would some men find my sister's opening line slightly offensive, or at the least, nosey?" Janet asked. In the world of mid-life dating, we don't call them "pickup lines" anymore; that was in the old days when we were camped on barstools trying to hit on the opposite sex. "Ice breakers" or "conversation openers" are better suited descriptions. Most men would find the "What do you do?" question offensive for the reasons Janet described. A former neighbor of mine, Larry, now single, says in Newport Beach (California), where he hangs out these days, what a man does and earns is at the top of the list of qualities single women seek and they waste no time popping the "What do you do?" question. Larry is a devilish guy with a twinkle in his eye. Sometimes he'll answer, "I inherited a large sum of money and investing it is a full-time job so I don't work." Larry says that that comment piques their interest. Another long-time friend, Bob, Laguna Beach, a few miles down the road from Newport Beach, says that "Where were you born?" is a more effective conversation starter. "It shows a personal interest and is a little different and catches someone off guard. But, the answer is easy, making it possible to explore things not so automatic or time worn. "A chance encounter hit pay dirt for me when a woman's home town in the Midwest matched mine. She attended a school located on the street where I was born." Carlene told us a month ago how she met a man wearing a kilt while standing in the food line at an outdoor Scottish Festival: "First a big smile and genuine hello followed by, 'What would you suggest from the menu?'" Then, the quick-thinking Carlene followed with "I like your kilt." That led to romance and a relationship with him. "Once you show you are friendly and open, it's easier to meet someone," Carlene said. Bob added that any first question with tasteful humor attached will open doors, as happened to him in the check-out line at Costco. A man behind Bob had a bag of fertilized soil in his shopping cart. A woman in the same line gave Bob a "broad, lovely smile" and said, "Is that yours, dirt bag?" Bob said, "We both walked out to our cars lighter, and a bit fascinated how a smile fits perfectly into those new moments of an encounter. Even when the words come out all tumbled together." The most important aspect of a conversation opener for older singles is being friendly. It's not so much what you say but how you say it. As long as you don't say, "What do you do?" Of course, saying nothing gets you nowhere. Plus, be careful how you use the "dirt bag" line. Some recipients might not be as affable as Bob. From the mailbag I'm not going to bore you with the full story, at least not yet, until I know how it turns out. However, I'll tease you with this. A woman came into my deli last Thursday and purchased a copy of my book, "Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do." She wanted it inscribed to "Paul." She said she was an acquaintance of his and could tell from his latest album that he was having a tough time with his divorce. In further discussion, I found out it was for that
Paul--Sir Paul McCartney. More later. Singles need to be careful when getting involved with anyone who hasn't properly healed after the loss of a mate, especially widows and widowers. Bobbie, Minnesota, shared her widower-dating experience. "We met at a swimming water-exercise class with me as the instructor and he as a participant. It started out great and was nice to have someone to do things with. We agreed that neither wanted to marry again. I've been divorced 26 years." They dated for two years. "We had a very nice relationship, as long as everything was about HIM and doing what HE wanted to do. We had many discussions about him always comparing me to his late wife. From time to time, he'd tell me he was having a bad time with the loss of his wife (five years) and was mad at her for leaving him. He is retired and they had many plans for retirement." But Bobbie endured, thinking he'd change. "I had given more of myself in these two years than I intended, as he had health problems and I took care of him, helped him through the loss of an old dog, which wiped him out, and to get a new puppy. I helped him complete his home, which he'd been trying to do for 25 years, and helped clean out all his late wife's things. I made a new 'Granny' quilt, shams & curtains for his new bedroom, that HE wanted." Bobbie added that sometimes he'd get depressed and be isolated from her for periods of time. Over the last few months, he didn't take her to couples activities as he once had. The romantic aspect dwindled before becoming non-existent. Bobbie feels he needs grief counseling. "I tried to talk to him face-to-face to seek counseling; he wouldn't discuss it. The next day I get an e-mail from him stating that he was 'putting himself to the curb' as he doesn't want to give me any of what I expect and life is going to be all about HIM now! I laughed out loud when I read it. I was tired of being second fiddle to everyone and everything in his life. I am one spunky, happy, lady, seven-years-younger than he, with lots more ambition. So it's over. "I am relieved," Bobbie says. "He is missing out on so much in life, but can't see it. One more picture to add to my 'trail of terror' on my refrigerator. "I don't regret the relationship or all I gave to it, but have self esteem and it is time to move on. Being mothers, women are naturally givers, but there is a time when our own worth has to be considered and we shouldn't have to give, give, give all the time." By the way, Bobbie still teaches the water-exercise class and he's still a participant. One has to wonder how "chilly" that water is up there in Minnesota. Bobbie says, "We both still attend--twice a week, It's fine with both of us. He doesn't seem to be uncomfortable about it and it doesn't bother me in the least." In writing this story, I feel there are some unanswered questions about the relationship-but I'll defer to you folks, who always have astute observations. From the mailbag: The May 2007 issue of the AARP Bulletin features an article, "Taking the Low Road," by Sid Kirchheimer, the author of Scam-Proof Your Life. The article warns people about signing up for travel clubs that allegedly offer big discounts for travel-related expenses. Kirchheimer singled out Branson, Missouri, as a travel-club Mecca: "Ten of the 15 travel clubs registered to operate in Branson have generated complaints (with the Mo Attorney General's office)," Kirchheimer wrote. Some people have paid $6,000 to $10,000. My take: avoid
travel clubs, not only in Branson, but in all parts of the
country. From time to time, we write about the importance of healing for people who've suffered the loss of a mate before they bring someone new into their lives. How long to wait? Everybody's situation is unique. What is best for one may not be appropriate for another. After corresponding with a widower online, Linda met him in person five months ago. A relationship began. Both had been married for 24 years.Linda said, "I was divorced seven years ago after years of mental abuse. It took me the first five years to realize I could move on in my life and come to terms that I am a special person and deserve all life has to give me." The widower was married one time. "He doesn't have photos of his wife out (deceased three years), but he speaks frequently about the life they had," Linda said. Linda wonders if he has gotten past the grief and can move forward into a new relationship: "He has issues with saying the "L" word. He hasn't been able to tell me he loves me, and states he cannot tell me until he knows he really means it." This week, the widower gave Linda a birthday card. She said, "He signed my card 'Lov,' minus the e, and told me he is getting closer to the full word." She admits she has fallen for him, but doesn't know if his heart is there for her. "My gut tells me I need to give him a little more time. It is already going to hurt if he walks away, no more so a few months from now, so do you think more time will help him find that missing 'vowel' in the word love?" Here's what I told Linda "Follow your gut, your instinct. Yes, he needs more time, but he sounds like a decent man who is being honest with you. Some widowers and lovers aren't honest; they just up and leave with no warning one day. "He may be cautious for two reasons. Perhaps, he isn't sure that he wants a relationship with you, and he may still be grieving. "Dating a widower can be risky, but not impossible. Don't pressure him. Show him you appreciate him without being syrupy. Stop fretting over the missing vowel. Exude more confidence. Relish the present joy he brings." "And yet, protect your heart. How? That's up to you, but I'd get involved in an activity or hobby that doesn't involve him. Linda answered, "I think your suggestion about having an outside, single interest will help me protect the hurt if he bolts and runs. I feel I have found one really special person and if I give him a little extra time, he will find that missing letter "e" in love. Only time will tell. Newcomers to this newsletter often ask if we have a chat room. The answer is yes. When I checked yesterday, there were 428 members who have posted more than 11,000 messages since its inception. Two wonderful women, Donna and Cydne, volunteer their time to moderate the chat room and make it function properly. I stay out of its daily operation. To join costs nothing. To check it out, go here: groups.yahoo.com/group/Tomscolumn/ But one huge warning. If you join, be sure you check on the "no emails" message option. If you don't, you will receive a copy of every message that is posted and you'll be screaming that your email inbox is being flooded with unwanted messages. If this happens to you, go to the homepage and click on edit membership. Change your status to "no emails" and save your changes. And speaking of Cydne, she was willing to share her story about finding love after 50. "A little over two years ago I got "dumped" by the first boyfriend I had had in 13 years. I did everything wrong, as if no time had passed between my series of bad relationships in my twenties and thirties and when I dated him." Cydne continued: "I worshiped him, something I had promised myself I was NOT going to do ever again when I was 38 and freshly out of a relationship breakup. "But here I was hanging on every word, waiting for him to call, and being hurt because I was just not nearly as important to him as he was to me! It was hell. At the end, I just could not take being treated like a petulant child anymore and suggested we end it. So I guess it was really a mutual parting of the ways." Cydne says she came upon one of my columns about Internet dating. "I ordered Tom's book (Finding Love After 50. How To Begin. Where To Go. What To Do) and read it in one day cover-to-cover. "I started thinking about how I was always putting my feelings on the back burner in favor of the man in all of my relationships. So the first thing I did was to list all of the things I hated about being in a relationship. Then I listed all the good things. From those two lists, I made a third. The third list was what I really needed and wanted from a relationship. The list was short but powerful. 1. Love "No more laundry list about the 'perfect guy,' I was free to consider ANY man as a possibility! I felt so free and empowered! I joined Tom's yahoo group when he announced its birth. Then I joined several Internet dating sites and started the fun process of finding someone. Fun, because I approached it as an adventure. Everyone is valuable in my eyes. This time I remembered to value myself too. "In a six week period I must have met 30 men for coffee! Funny thing is, I came back to the first man I had met! We celebrate our second year anniversary on Memorial Day this year. This man has turned out to be the love of my life. I never thought I would say that at the age of 53! Thanks Tom for being an important part of this process that brought me to my love!" I appreciate Cydne's compliments but she's the one who
changed her life and found happiness. Thanks to her for
having the fortitude to tackle her situation and for sharing
it with all of us. And thanks to Cydne and Donna for
unselfishly donating their time to help others. The email from a reader began: "Why do you post the stories only of the losers? On several occasions, I have asked you to please post some SUCCESS stories. Do you not care that in the "Widow Beware" she is involved-with a MARRIED man? "Does it occur to you to share in your newsletter that women can be users too? Don't go too far in UNDERestimating the lack of moral character in women also. "The sons are correct to threaten to disown the widowed mother with the way she is carrying-on. It is galling because she shows no dignity. With her age at 69, there is no wisdom to her ways. The sons should take active intervention to put a stop to it. Again, please post some SUCCESS stories." I replied: "I post the stories I receive. I don't get a lot of success stories, and when I post them, very few people respond. If you send them, I will post them." She responded: "Then please SEEK-OUT success stories! If one wants to hear about the losers, all one has to do is surf yet another internet dating site. "Your newsletter seems-to be conveying the message that as women age, and loneliness sets-in, women will settle for almost anything. "Please show us a higher ground. What is the purpose of your newsletter? Is it for women to "protect" themselves? And, how can women protect themselves if examples of success stories--and how things CAN be done--aren't shown? "Are you of a religious bent? If not, then how about some networking with other newsletters, and posting some links with newsletters to show aging singles a religious framework to cope with the aging process and the loneliness. "Face it, please, that most readers of most newsletters want to read about some HAPPY news. Thus, again, PLEASE SEEK OUT the success stories." Tom's thoughts on her comments. Give me credit for holding my tongue this long. Responses with an attitude that are abrupt and order me to do things are going to get my attention. Do I care that the widow is involved with a married man? No, I don't, but I think she is unwise to be with a married man, who is also living in her house. And then there was this zinger, "Please don't go too far in UNDERestimating the lack of moral character in women also. Your newsletter seems to be conveying the message that as women age, and loneliness sets-in, women will settle for almost anything." I don't judge moral character, I just report the facts. I've never suggested women settle. However, I think a relationship without sex would be a bummer. Her follow-up email was demanding, "Then please SEEK-OUT success stories!" (This directive was written three times). I've got a flash for her. If I take the added time to seek-out success stories, over and above what our members share, the price of the newsletter will go from $16.95 a year, to $100.00 per year. Please let me know if that is okay with all of you. Then, there was this: "Please show us a higher ground. What is the purpose of your newsletter? Is it for women to "protect" themselves? And, how can women protect themselves if examples of success stories, and how things CAN be done aren't shown?" Tom's comment: The purpose of this newsletter is to entertain and inform, that's it. To protect? Sure, that's a part of it also. By sharing the widow's story, I feel we are protecting others from making similar mistakes. And finally there was this: "Are you of a religious bent?" No. I have a strong faith and believe in treating others well, but preaching religion isn't my bag. I think, at our age, our subscribers know what religious beliefs work best for them. They don't want or need religious direction from me. I have a feeling this newsletter isn't for her. Perhaps she should start one of her own. Let's not lose sight of the widow who had the guts to
share her story and listen to the tough responses. And she
did it with humility. A 69-year-old widow of one year emailed, saying that her two sons had disowned her because of the relationship she's had with a man for six months. She asked to remain anonymous so we'll call her Sue. Sue provided background information: "He is living in my home. We are having a great time, traveling and enjoying life. There is no possibility of marriage. I don't want to, and he can't (he's married). He has no children. "We are very compatible, and so far, all is going well. I intend to maintain my independence, and do what I want, although he can be pretty controlling." The man is 71, in good health now, but went through massive aneurism surgery three years ago. "Our sexual life is almost nil, as he can't do anything, but I really don't care. So far, he is not doing his part money-wise, because of his ex," Sue said. Sue commented about the man and his wife (a wife is not an ex): "He split up with his wife after years of a miserable marriage. He set her up in a home of her choice, and they put the house up for sale. He gave her the car, and she lives on her Social Security, plus he supplements money to her when she asks for it. "She has a deadbeat son who is 60. She is supporting him, and wants my boyfriend to give her more and more money to help her support her son." Sue said her sons are worried he'll take her money. She countered by saying, "Once his house sells, he will have all the money he needs for us to share." Sue asked, "Do you think I am doing the right thing or what advice can you give me?" Normally, I keep my opinions to myself in situations like Sue's. But since the widow asked, I'll toss in a few thoughts. I'm glad she's happy and having a great time. Loneliness is difficult for older singles. But, more than a few things bother me about Sue's situation. He's still married and living entirely off of her nickel. Any money he has he gives to his wife. He has made promises that when his house sells, he'll have all the money he needs, which he intends to share with Sue. But will he? That he is controlling really bothers me. She's providing everything and he wants to be in charge? Yikes, sounds like a bad deal. Adults don't need to be controlled--by anybody. And then there's his damaged heart. Who will pay if he gets sick again? She's already a purse, she could easily become a nurse. And no sex life? If that doesn't bother her, well, I guess, then it's ok. I can assure you, it would bother me. I understand her sons' concerns. Other than companionship, what is this guy contributing? Nothing--he's got a free ride. My advice to her is to protect herself and her money. Her sons may be right; he may find a way to take her money, leaving her not only without companionship, but without the means to take care of herself. Widow beware. Two weeks ago, we wrote about cowardly breakups. Many of you responded, presenting reasons why using the telephone or an email to break up may be the best way. Safety One woman said, "Sometimes ending a relationship by phone or email is the safest way to do so. How many usually "gentle" gentlemen (or women) become raging maniacs when things don't go their way? "After listening to some of my neighbors' so-called happy relationships become battlegrounds in the middle of the night, for my own safety, I wouldn't hesitate to end a relationship by phone." Another woman wrote, "I think that aside from the issue of cowardliness, there is also the question of actual intimidation or fear. This guy was supposed to be a nice person, but he had said and done things that had hurt me badly. The emotional cruelty factor made me feel as if I didn't owe him another tortured conversation where I would be hurt. "When there is abuse, the departing partner might be foolish to meet with his or her mate face-to-face. Experts say that breaking up is the most dangerous time when there has been abuse in a relationship because the abuser is losing what he sought most to control. To Avoid Confrontation Barbara emailed, "I've been the one who's broken up my last few relationships. I've tried to do it nicely but no one likes rejection. My problem has been with controlling men who start out so very nice, then turn into "control freaks." I'm 72 and don't need that. "Once after thinking about how to breakup without causing WW3, I just took over the television control, changed from golf to a movie saying, sweetly, that I'd been looking forward to seeing this movie for several days. "I knew he would leave if I showed I had control of even such a simple thing as the TV remote. I'd already seen the movie, though he didn't know that. There was no fear or danger involved, I just didn't want a confrontation and was tired of the relationship. "He picked up his jacket and left saying he had to go home and feed his dogs. He never came back or called; it was a completely painless breakup." Donna, said, "I did the telephone breakup about three months ago because I didn't have the strength to do it in person the last time I was with the fellow. He had yelled at me three times because I 'interrupted him sometimes.' The yelling got successfully louder each time. So I called him and explained why I couldn't see him any longer and he yelled again so I hung up. One of the best things I ever did." Pat, shared, "I dated a man for three months. He was not my type and getting too in my face so I wrote an email to break it off. I knew if we talked face- to-face, it would have gotten nasty (and that was proven to me when he responded to my email with some very nasty comments)." A man said, "As soon as I become aware that there are differences which are too great, I advise the lady I'm dating of my decision, tell her that I believe that she is a great person but that I do not believe that we are 'right.' "There were several occasions that the response was highly 'unladylike'. On several occasions there were ugly acrimonious scenes. One lady threatened me physically. If the relationship is not going any further, why put yourself in a position to be the recipient of abuse, and threats?" Phone call or email is better than a post-it sticky note or no word at all Carrie, age 51, "I'd rather have a call or email rather than dead silence--no call, no email, no nothing-- just 'poof' they are gone. You don't know if you did something wrong, if you said something offensive, or they simply changed their mind, or if they've suddenly ended up in the hospital suffering some horrible disease that rendered them unconscious." Another woman said, "In all those scenarios, at least there was a phone call! I experienced not once but twice men who just walked out of my life with absolutely NO warning! So cowardly and ungentlemanly." Christine, "After being widowed for two years I began seeing someone who professed love for me, but, after a year ended the relationship without even a phone call. Nothing prepared me for the pain of losing my husband after 32 years of marriage, and having to deal with another loss after that was an incredibly painful experience. Now, however, I'm thankful that the relationship didn't work out - we were ill-suited for one another. "I broke up with my last boyfriend-a long distance relationship-- on the telephone. I was not going to travel all the way to where he was to break up with him. He had lied to me. There had been other problems and I began to see that we had a basic personality conflict. So I called and ended it. One man said, "A few years ago, a lady broke up on a phone message. Juvenile stuff. I see her around every so often and just disregard her as if she doesn't exist. I know we are supposed to be forgiving but. Every time I mention the story everyone laughs, and cross references the Sex in The City episode where someone broke up with a post-it sticky message." Well, you've convinced me. Breaking up remotely may be
the smartest way to end a relationship, particularly when
there is a question of your safety, or avoiding abuse. Do
what works best for you. Dining on sardines and octopus--Tom and Greta travel through Spain Dateline--La Pineda, Spain. Sardines and octopus for dinner? Not exactly what you'd expect as a romantic meal, but that's what my partner, Greta, and I shared in Salou, Spain, on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea one night last week. And it was romantic, as we were the only ones sitting outside at a cute little cafe, although the temperature was in the 50s. We are on a 16-day trip to Spain and other countries in Southern Europe. A trip like ours wasn't planned to test our relationship, but at times it can, when things inevitably go wrong while traveling. We left LAX at 7:30 a.m. Thirty hours, three flights, 14,000 miles, and two train trips later, we inadvertently got off the train one stop before we were supposed to, about a mile short of the train station. We weren't the only ones, about eight other people did the same thing. The problem, there were no taxis there, only an amusement park and some cows. So, dog-tired, we dragged our suitcases the final distance where we secured a taxi to take us the last five miles to the resort where we're staying. At the time, it wasn't funny, but four days later, we are laughing about it now. That tested our patience as a couple. Like, whose fault was it? (Mine, of course). We visited a nearby city called Tarragona, which is stair-stepped on a hill overlooking the Mediterranean. It was built around Roman ruins form the 14th Century. We enjoyed that city as much as we did Barcelona, which we visited the day after. Barcelona is a bustling city of a million and a half people, and reminds one of Paris. Our main mission was to walk a boulevard of shops and restaurants called Las Rambla, and to find the Picasso Museum, which we did. With all due respect to the great Pablo Picasso, after seeing hundreds of his works, you realize he was a bit strange. A couple hundred yards from the Museum, we passed a store that sold mainly olives--probably 50 varieties-- and sardines. It was packed with shoppers. You don't see places like that in the states. Our condo is about 30 yards from a bakery and supermarket. The first night we arrived, we shopped there for our dinner, having Spanish red wine, olives, fresh baguette, fresh cheese and the tastiest salami we've ever had. That's saying a lot for a guy who has owned a deli and been serving salami for 18 years. We are proud of ourselves for figuring out the train from the Barcelona Airport to the Barcelona Sants train station, and then finding another train to our resort 40 miles away, with five pieces of luggage, and for also using the bus service along this part of the Mediterranean coast. Not bad for a couple of folks in their mid-60s. Taking taxis would be easier, but taking public transportation teaches you more about the culture, not to mention the savings in cost. It's fun to travel as a team and marvel together at new discoveries in foreign countries. Yesterday, we hopped a high-speed train to Valencia, Spain, where we spent eight hours. Of all of the cities in Spain we've visited, we like Valencia the most. It's clean, the architecture is well preserved and unusual. The sidewalks are made of marble. Tapas bars are everywhere, you can get a snack or a meal at any time during the day. In Valencia, we came to a big happening, news event. There was an opening of a tourist office for the Castilla-La Mancha area and all city officials were there. When a TV station found out we were from the states, we were interviewed for the evening news. That was kind of a hoot. Tomorrow, we travel by train for 12 hours to Nice,
France, to begin the second half of our vacation. We're
holding hands and having fun, and will report on that part
of our trip next week. On Monday, April 24, Newsday, the prestigious Long Island, NY, newspaper featured an article about Internet dating for seniors. I was contacted by staff writer Pat Burson for my opinions and whether I had any tips on Internet dating. Here are a few Internet dating tips taken from my book, Finding Love After 50: How to begin, where to go, what to do and from a page on my website. It’s not a complete list, but it covers important aspects of Internet dating.
Who says middle-aged dating is easy? A while back, we featured a column about a guy who had lied about his age by one month to a woman when he first met her. They dated and were intimate for three months and then she used his age-lying as an excuse for breaking up. How did she breakup? By telephone. In another case, a widower of six years dated a woman for a year and a half. He said, “It was wonderful, I mean every thing was ‘wonderful.’ Then she ended our relationship by telephone two weeks before last Christmas, saying she decided to end it due to too many differences. Just like that.” He added, “I was completely devastated, and I didn't have a clue that anything was wrong. Her only complaint was I didn't like her dog (that upset her)". Over her dog? Maybe. I know some women who are attached to their animals and the man had better accept the animal or he’s out the door. But my point here is, after 18 months of dating, when everything else was peachy-keen, she phoned him to break up. Neither she nor the woman above had the guts or decency to break up face-to-face. What kind of dating etiquette is that? The breakup devastated the widower. “It was like getting my heart torn out again--brought on the grieving process again--I never thought I could fall in love again after losing my wife of 43 years. Having this happen to me is difficult to cope with. I just can't comprehend her ending our relationship (and we were very, very close) over a dog? (I am now two months away from 70 yrs., she was 71.)” He tried to reconcile with her but says she won't accept his phone calls or letters. “She even sent letters back unopened. No reason for her to act like this. Under the circumstances, perhaps it’s best to put it behind me and move on, but easy to say, difficult to do. It’s like I lost my spouse all over again. We were considered a handsome couple, meaning neither of us looked our age.” I'm not singling out women as the only culprits. Men can be just as guilty as women in breaking up in a cowardly way. And there are two sides to every story. In these two cases, there are likely circumstances we don’t know about. Maybe the guy did something that caused her to act the way she did. That being said, I can relate to the experiences of these two men. On Xmas Eve, 1993, my wife of six years backed up a U-haul truck to our Dana Point home, took what furniture and belongings she wanted, and moved out of my life. One would think a married couple would discuss an event of this magnitude beforehand, but I had been left out of the loop. I think the note left on the kitchen counter read, “Hi honey, have a Merry Christmas.” She also used the telephone--a couple of days after she moved out-- to let me know she wasn’t coming back. As if I didn’t know that. (Her leaving turned out to be the greatest favor anyone has ever done for me). Don’t be a mid-life singles coward. If you’re
planning to breakup, don’t do it by email, don’t
do it by telephone, have the guts and decency to do it
face-to- face. After last week’s newsletter, a woman wrote, “Show us something HAPPY with the sacrifices made to be together under one roof.” And that’s precisely what today’s newsletter is about—a long-distance, before-move-in story we featured last May 25, with an April 2007 update on how the move-in is working out. From last May: Living near St. Louis, MO., Gloria, 55, spent two years on a major Internet matching service. “I had pretty much given up finding anyone online. When I did meet someone in person, it seemed we had absolutely nothing in common,” Gloria said. She had seen the photo of a man named Ed online, had even read his bio. “Though he was appealing, I never dreamed of writing to him; he lived too far away (an hour’s drive).” To Gloria’s surprise, Ed contacted her. “We corresponded online and talked on the telephone. When it came time to meet, I balked, actually canceling two dates with him. Upon realizing that he was like me—a former flower child—I decided not to meet him at all.” Gloria explained to Ed via email why she was reluctant to meet: Former hippies brought back too many bad memories of a drug-dealing, physically abusive, hippie husband, who had made her life miserable 30 years before. Ed piqued her interest by reciting words from the song, Aqualung, a tune, Gloria said, “Any self-respecting former hippie should remember.” Note from Tom: Google described Aqualung: “The opening blast of ‘Aqualung’ is quintessential Jethro Tull; the guitar solo on that song ranks among rock's greatest.” Gloria and Ed had so much fun reciting back and forth lines from Aqualung that she decided to meet him, and this time didn’t cancel. That was in November, 2005. Ed is a “R.E.” (retired English professor) and Gloria an “E.R.” (still-working Emergency Room nurse). Living an hour apart doesn’t stop them from seeing each other nearly every day. They plan to move-in together in August in a little house in the country, which Ed is rehabbing for them. “We are two old hippies and have aptly dubbed our place, ‘The Lava Lamp Love Lounge.’” Gloria says, “I have never met a man who treats me so well, or that I love so much. I’m blessed to have found someone who makes me laugh out loud often, who sees humor in so many situations in our lives. We’ve been very good for each other. We’re both divorced, both actively involved in our children’s lives. Our past relationships made us feel fragile and somewhat vulnerable. Neither is perfect, but we’re perfect for each other.” That was last May. Update April 2007: We moved in to a little place in the country, that Ed renovated but had never lived in. I relocated from big city life to live in the country, but I am still able to drive to the hospital where I've worked since prior to our meeting. "It was a huge change for me, but I have come to love our life and home deeply. "Each day I realize how very much I care for this man, and how blessed I am to have found someone who feels the same way about me. I hope never to have to live life without him. We are a committed couple, and I know we could have never had this level of intimacy had we just continued to date and see each other a few times a week. "So I guess it all depends what you want in life, a "vacation" every time you're with your chosen partner, or perhaps a little more of the mundane. Me, I absolutely love sitting on the couch watching TV with Ed, or working out in the yard while he continues to put finishing touches on "The Lava Lamp Love Lounge", or sitting out on the back deck with Ed and listening to the sounds of the country." Gloria added, “Tell readers not to give up, and to
‘think outside of the box’ when it comes to
finding dating partners. I did give up. Thank God, Ed did
not. We are truly blessed. When a couple is meant to
be—which I believe is the case with Ed and
me—there is no stopping Karma!” When two people who live in different parts of the country meet, date each other, and fall in love, what’s the next step? How they met--via the Internet, while on a business trip or on vacation--doesn’t matter. To be together on a daily basis, one of them would have to move. That’s a mighty big decision. Barbara, 53, a widow, has been dating a man she met at a convention 14 months ago, who resides in a different state. Her views on their next step may surprise you. “Fortunately we are both able to travel a good bit, so we can visit each other once or twice per month and have an absolutely wonderful time. The rest of the time we communicate by e-mail and talk on the phone several times each day,” Barbara said. From her comments, one might think Barbara is selling her house and packing her bags to be with him. But it’s not so. She said, “I think it’s very different when you see someone every couple of weeks and spend special time together as opposed to seeing someone every day. While the temptation to move in together or closer is certainly there, there is something to be said for keeping a relationship long distance. It is a great dilemma for many of us.” Barbara says their relationship is like having their cake—being together often—and eating it too— maintaining their own space, friends and separate activities. She admits there are drawbacks to being apart: “Some week-ends are too quiet and lonely, but knowing you will see your special someone in a week or two and spend several days or a week together helps get through the times when you are separated,” Barbara said. She added, “After 14 months, my special person and I feel like we know each other pretty well. We have spent as much as 10 days together at a time. When we’re together, it’s like we are on vacation, even if it’s at his house or mine.” But, Barbara thinks moving in together would change things. “It would be very different, and maybe too different. He is 66, so there is an age difference but we have a lot of similarities in our backgrounds and lives that make us very compatible. Yet, I think too much togetherness may be more than either of us could handle, especially since both of us have spent many years individually since our spouses passed away. I feel that if isn’t broke, don't try to fix it.” Barbara says she and her mate have a perfect situation. “We can live our separate lives (neither of us is dating or fooling around with anyone else, of that I am sure) and then thoroughly enjoy the time when we are together.” It's great to hear of singles who are so confident in themselves, and so wise, they don't make decisions hoping somebody else will improve their lives. They know improving their lives and making themselves happy falls on to their own shoulders. At least for now, Barbara’s long-distance
relationship will remain just that—a long-distance,
win-win situation. Relocating to be with a man Part II Last week, we wrote about Mary who had moved from Northern California to Southern California to move in with a man. After two weeks, he threw her out. Today we hear Wendy's story of relocating to be with a man. While visiting Southern California, she met a man who owned a retail shop. After a year and a half of long-distance dating, he asked her to move to his city and share his home, rent free. "I even moved my 86-year-old mom to a neighboring town and gave up my kitty. I kept my home up north and rent it out to pay the expenses there. "When I moved in, the housekeeper disappeared, as did the gardener. The dishwasher, his car and hot tub broke, none of which he got fixed. He drove my 2005 Mercedes while I borrowed my daughter's 1987 car." "He was going broke then, but would not admit it. After three months, he insisted I was cheating with several men--my bosses. He started to get violent, and as I was calculating how to get out, I was ordered out. I have stayed in So. Cal. because I don't want to move my mom again." "It has taken me a year to regather my finances, (working six days a week) sense of humor and confidence. I was not cheating. I'm still looking over my shoulder and wondering, 'what the heck happened?'" "I've had to contact the police on several occasions as he still leaves 'hate mate' full of slurs and threats--for over a year after I left. He has written libelous letters to my bosses, their wives and my friends." "This 'gentleman' has a beautiful home, many friends from both childhood and recent years, is intelligent, articulate, well-traveled and gave me no reason to doubt his stability, honesty, etc. He was romantic and attentive, but in the end followed me to work and timed my trips to the store, and out with my daughter, when at my mom's and so on. " "Good actors are tough to spot. I just feel sorry for the next gal." Margaret shared her relocation story: "I moved a man I was dating into my home way too soon. Bad mistake. I paid in coinage of emotional and mental turmoil as well as footing the expenses of moving him out. I'm fixin' to be 61 and boundaries are really important, particulary my living space." Jennifer emailed her observations, "It's easy to deceive someone from far away. A man who looks for women in distant areas is often hiding something that would be detectible closer to home. You have to ask why he isn't dating someone from his own area. "Moving in with someone you only know for a short time and who lives in another area is very risky. People should know each other for at least a year before considering cohabitating. She takes all the risk and he takes none." Robin said, "Those who jump into life-changing scenearios need to do so slowly. How can women, who seems so intelligent and world-saavy, experience this sort of thing? Are we so insecure that we will grasp at anything that comes our way." In Summary, I hope our readers will learn from the lessons's of today's newsletter and last week's as well. Before co-habitating with a new love, you better be damn sure it's going to work. People can hide behaviors for only so long. Also, have a back up plan. Don't burn all of your bridges. Have a place to return to. Granted, some move-in situations work and work well. But
the quick-decision ones are very risky. If these articles
stop just one of you from making a poor decision, we will
have accomplished our mission. Feel free to forward today's
newsletter to any friend or person who is contemplating a
life-changing move to be with a mate. Today, thoughts from the top of my head, inspired by some of your comments in the last week or two. I’ve said it before. The readers of this newsletter are special—bright, experienced, some naïve, but all with a similar purpose of trying to get our arms around this phase of life we’re going through. You come from all over the United States and this week we had comments from Queensland in Australia and Macedonia. Most of us didn’t anticipate being in the situation we’re in. No longer married, kids out of the roost, single, some happy, some not, some working, some retired, but all trying to do what’s right. And it’s the relationship thing that puzzles the heck out of many of us. Today, a new subject, inspired by Lisa’s comment. “Don’t judge people by one small thing they say or do—we all make mistakes. We need to give people a chance.” Lisa explained, “I met my finance online. He said something very stupid the first time we met. I was turned off and dated another guy for a month. When that didn’t work out, I decided to give him another chance because there was something I liked about him, even with the ‘foot-in-the-mouth’ comment he made. We’re getting married May 5.” Lisa’s right. At our age, we need to be less set in our ways when judging potential mates. That doesn’t mean we settle, but to just not make snap decisions on everyone who doesn’t measure up in every way. I'm not suggesting you tolerate a jerk, or a chauvinist, or an older guy who says he “only dates considerably |
