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February
I love sex, but my boyfriend isn't as
enthusiastic
Dear Paul,
I love sex, but my boyfriend isn't... well, as
enthusiastic. We've been together for 2 years now
and it's always been this way - even when we first
started dating. He says he has always been like
this. We have sex... usually once every 3 weeks.
And it's almost always the same: not very
interesting. We definitely have had some great sex,
but it's few and far between. He has never been big
on foreplay (especially on giving me oral
pleasure--in fact, I haven't had any in at least 9
months!). I am very open about sex and love to
experiment and talk about it. I think it's very
important to a healthy relationship. We've talked
about it a lot. But he doesn't like to talk about
it, he HATES it when I ask him to do a specific
thing while we're making love. So I constantly feel
as if I have to tiptoe around making sure not to
irritate him, but trying to get him in the mood. We
have a very strong relationship and we both love
each other very much. I would never leave him over
something like this, but at the same time,
something's going to have to change! I'm losing it
here! Not to mention it's not helping my
self-confidence much. Part of what's so wonderful
about being a woman is having the ability to seduce
men. Not being able to do that to my own
boyfriend... I'm sure you can imagine. He says it
really bothers him that he' like this, and he's
working on it. It's difficult for me though,
because he doesn't do anything physically to work
on it, and he doesn't talk to me about it, so the
only thing I can imagine he's doing is thinking
about it. I seriously doubt that he'll be willing
to see a counselor... I even tried giving him "The
Guide" - definitely didn't take to that well! So
basically I have to sit and wait.
Thanks!
Frustrated
Dear F,
First, I need to apologize to my readers at the
Daily. This makes two columns in a row where I've
thrown psychobabble at you. I promise that next
week I'll get with it and give you something to
chuckle over.
As for Frustrated, I'm a little fascinated that
you say "one of the wonderful things about being a
woman is having the ability to seduce men" yet you
have chosen a man who is unable to be seduced. The
psychoanalyst in me may still be on summer
vacation, but not on Mars or Jupiter.
So, my first question is, what are you trying to
address within yourself by having a relationship
with a man who you can't keep aroused?
Mind you, I've never seen a relationship that
was free from our mind's tendency to reenact past
hurt and failure. Some psychologists view this the
hope to "finally get it right this time." The
trouble is, our partners are doing the same with
us, and plenty of times we get locked into hopeless
struggles rather than being able to help each other
to grow and evolve.
So here you are, falling into a role with your
boyfriend where you feel sexually ineffective and
he disappears sexually. How do the two of you fix
this mess? Can you fix this mess?
From knowing about his history or family, do you
have any clues about why he might have to always
keep his sexual appetite on the back burner? What's
so dangerous about sexual passion for him? Why does
he need to keep his sexual excitement hidden from
you, and perhaps from himself?
One image I have is of Ulysses, having his men
wear earplugs so they can safely row past the
seductive call of the Sirens while he is tied to
the mast of his ship. Perhaps your boyfriend is
fascinated by your seductiveness, but fears you are
like the Sirens and will destroy him if he
surrenders to your call.
At the same time, it might be possible that you
are more like the sirens than you think--a wee bit
overwhelming. So you keep calling louder, and he
keeps resisting harder. Or maybe he is simply the
perfect person to act the out disapproving or
rejecting voices from your past...
What I'm trying to do is to find some way to
shake up the psychic stalemate that you and he are
in. Fortunately, you are in a good position to be
able to help each other to resolve the problems
that you are bringing into this relationship. The
trouble is, when couples resolve issues like this,
the amount of emotional closeness in the
relationship will increase substantially. And most
of us, regardless of how much we claim to want more
intimacy, tend to avoid it like the plague.
A more traditional approach to the problem you
write about is to focus on your boyfriend. For
instance, what happens if you gently caress his
back or thighs? Is there is a threshold of physical
closeness beneath which he is fine, but when the
excitement reaches a certain level, everything
needs to be shut down? Are you able to masturbate
together? Do you take showers together?
The goal would be to help him safely increase
his capacity for sexual excitement, just as you are
currently trying to do. But that would imply the
problem is all his, and I've never seen a
relationship where the problem fell on the
shoulders--or in the pants--of only one partner. On
the other hand, you and not he is asking for help,
and I've never seen a relationship get fixed when
only one partner was willing to try.
©2007 by Paul
Joannides
Related Issues: Talking
With Kids About Tough Issues, Relationship,
Sexuality
Books: Relationship,
Sexuality
* * *
In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of
the world it is a fact. - Marlene Dietrich
Paul
Joannides is the author of the Guide
To Getting It On!--the Universe's Coolest and Most
Informative Book On Sex.
You can contact him at www.goofyfootpress.com
by clicking on the cover of the Guide that
appears on his web site. All columns are the
property of Paul Joannides and Goofy Foot
Press
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