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May
Watching Porn
The last time I watched a porn film was--it must
have been last year sometime. Given how I write a
column on sex and am always being asked to
recommend good porn films, you'd think I'd be
watching at least one a week. But let's face it,
it's a little difficult to sit down and pop a porn
tape in the video when the kids are watching Barney
and the neighbors are always dropping by. I mean,
what do you say, "Everybody out! Daddy's got to
watch a porn tape." It doesn't work that way,
especially when after five minutes I'm wishing I
was outside doing something fun with everyone else.
Cleaning out the duck house would be more
satisfying than watching most porn films, because
at least you can feel good about having been able
to hold your breath for that long without passing
out, and it's really nice in there when you finish
with the fresh cedar chips on the floor and no
ducks.
Also, there's something I should warn you about.
I was speaking last week to the book buyer at Good
Vibrations and I mentioned that I'd been sent a big
glossy photo book titled "Love, Lust,
Desire--Masterpieces of Erotic Photography for
Couples." I had hoped it was going to be something
I could recommend to you, but I found it to be a
total yawner. She said that people who work for
Good Vibrations might agree with me, but that she
would absolutely sell the panties off of this book
because most couples are afraid of erotic photos
that are very explicit. So be forewarned that my
judgement on what's hot might be a little different
from yours. Chances are, people probably don't
spill out their most intimate sexual questions to
you day in and day out, so what barely even gets my
attention might cause your jaw to seriously
drop.
I have a couple of rules when watching adult
tapes: the sound has to be off and I need to have
my finger firmly planted on the fast-forward
button. Even with AVN-award winning adult tapes, I
often fast-forward during the sex scenes as well as
during the other parts where you usually fast
forward. I don't know what it is, but there's an
arousal quality that's missing for me in most porn
movies. It doesn't matter if you're getting a
close-up camera shot of things that should be
illegal in most states, a lot of it doesn't work
for me. And please, don't tell me about the new
female-oriented porn films done by women's porn
production companies. Talk about lap-numbing, yawn
fests...
That said, I was pretty surprised by "Dark
Angels" from New Sensations. There was a certain
quality to this adult film where the women looked
like they were just as much into it as the guys.
And more than half of the women in this tape had
normal-sized, unenhanced,
not-a-bit-of-plastic-surgery-here chests. I didn't
fast-forward through a single sex scene, which is
an adult-film first for me. During the initial sex
scene I was wondering why these people were doing
the nasty with their sunglasses on, but at the end
of the scene the main babe turned toward the camera
and exposed her vampire fangs, and it sort of made
sense. Mind you, I could have done without the
dripping blood after she bites the guy on the neck,
and I couldn't understand why she'd bite him on the
neck anyway. This guy was sporting some seriously
large wood and I'm pretty sure all of the blood in
his body must have been pooling between his legs
just to keep it up. I don't see how any was left
anywhere else.
There's also a scene near the end of the tape
where there's a lot of neck biting and then some
pretty satisfying oral engagements afterward, but
with the way they tried to get all artsy with the
smeared blood on the thighs and faces it triggered
one of those
"Ooops-she's-started-her-period-early"flashbacks
that you may have had at some point during your
oral lovemaking history.
Another thing I have to say about this tape
concerns the screen names of the actors. In my most
tequila-inspired moments, I don't think I could
ever come up with the name "Jewel De Nyle." And
what would adult movies be without male leads like
"Erik Everhard" and "Evan Stone?"
Even with the sunglasses and occasional
fake-blood motif, I still give "Dark Angels" a
rating of 4 out of 5 WET SPOTS, with my average
rating for adult films being zero-nada-no WET SPOTS
at all. I'd watch it again, which is something I
don't even say about most mainstream movies. I
think you can get "Dark Angels" from Blowfish.com,
or try out your own favorite source.
©2007 by Paul
Joannides
Related Issues: Talking
With Kids About Tough Issues, Relationship,
Sexuality
Books: Relationship,
Sexuality
* * *
In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of
the world it is a fact. - Marlene Dietrich
Paul
Joannides is the author of the Guide
To Getting It On!--the Universe's Coolest and Most
Informative Book On Sex.
You can contact him at www.goofyfootpress.com
by clicking on the cover of the Guide that
appears on his web site. All columns are the
property of Paul Joannides and Goofy Foot
Press
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