The Surprising Secret of Getting Yourself to
Dear Ron and David,
It seems like I'm always seeing chances to talk
to hot girls, but I just can't seem to do it, even
though I feel like I have a pretty good idea of
what I might say, from the stuff I've learned from
your book and web site.
I end up feeling really bad about this. What
should I do? If you could give me some insights, I
would be very grateful.
Sincerely, Amateur Joe
Thanks for your question! So, you are not taking
the opportunities with women that life presents
you, and feeling bad about it. Lots of men do this.
Let's look at how you can go from "seeing an
opportunity" to "taking an opportunity."
The way to go from "seeing an opportunity" to
"taking an opportunity" is:
1) Notice the opportunity you could have taken.
2) don't beat yourself up about not taking
3) celebrate the victory of what you did do,
4) imagine in your head what the next step could
have been with this
5) get closer to taking the opportunity, or
actually take it next time.
Let's go through these steps one at a time,
because they are useful for any man who finds
himself feeling intimidated or tongue-tied with
1) Notice the opportunity you could have taken:
It's important to at least notice whatever
opportunity you are walking away from. This is an
important step toward actually taking the
2) Don't beat yourself up about not taking the
opportunity: This is crucial. What most guys do the
moment they see an opportunity with a woman that
they didn't take, they start beating themselves up.
"I really screwed that up! Why don't I have any
balls?! I suck!" They punish themselves for the
opportunity they "missed." Think about your
interactions with women: have you ever done
When you punish yourself for not taking
opportunities with women, you are trying to
motivate yourself to take action. The problem is,
beating yourself up to get yourself to take action
really doesn't work, _especially_ in the world of
And it gets worse. Beating yourself up about
opportunities you don't take actually makes it
harder for you to take opportunities in the
future, because you connect so much pain to the
entire thing. You won't even see opportunities in
the future, because the whole thing hurts too much.
The bottom line is, we wish beating yourself up
worked, but it really doesn't. You have to give it
3) Celebrate the victory of what you did do:
It's also critical that you celebrate the victory
of what you did actually do. Did you talk to her at
all? Feel good about it. Did you put yourself into
a situation where you could have interacted with a
hot woman, even if you didn't interact with her?
Feel good about having put yourself in that
situation. Find something to feel good
about, and feel good about it.
4) Imagine in your head what the next step could
have been with this woman. Once you are not feeling
bad about yourself--and are even feeling good--you
should spend a little time going over what you
_could_ have said to the woman you did not
approach. Did you simply need to say "hi"? What
about her could you have asked "What's the story
behind that?" What sort of Deepening questions
could you have asked her? What genuine compliment
could you have given her, perhaps after asking
"What's the story behind that," which would have
shown your romantic interest? What one or two
flirting moves could you have done? Imagine
yourself doing them, and it going great. What could
you have flirted about?
5) Get closer to taking the opportunity, or
actually take it next time: The path from seeing an
opportunity to taking that opportunity runs
directly through these steps. If you want to become
a guy who "just finds himself" taking
opportunities, you must be willing to go through a
spell of seeing those opportunities without taking
them, WITHOUT THEN BEATING YOURSELF UP, and while
feeling good about what you did do. Then you must
imagine what you might have done, without regret or
upset. Seeing opportunities and not taking them is
part of learning to take opportunities--but ONLY if
you don't mess things up by beating yourself
senseless about it.
We have found that, with ourselves and our
students, allowing these steps to happen leads to
actually taking opportunities. When you feel bad
about "missing" opportunities, you short-circuit
this process, and are never able to go from "see
the opportunity" to "taking it." So stop beating
yourself up, today!
© 2010, Mastery
Other Relationship Issues,
* * *
We must try to trust one another. Stay and
cooperate. - Jomo Kenyatta
Louis and David Copeland are the authors of
to Succeed with
Women, The Sex
Lover's Book of Lists, and The Mastery
Program audio course. Send them those seduction
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